


In My Life

by Letticiae



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Drama, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Substance Abuse, Survivor Guilt, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-08-07
Updated: 2015-07-16
Packaged: 2017-11-11 15:00:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 56
Words: 236,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/479751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Letticiae/pseuds/Letticiae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where the Alenkos decide to foster a sixteen-year-old girl after an Alliance patrol led by Kaidan's father rescues her on Mindoir. Shenko. From pre-ME1 to post-ME3.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Alenkos

**Author's Note:**

> If you're just now starting this story and you enjoy listening to some fitting music while reading, please check out the playlist In My Life, by maryread, on 8tracks. She chose songs for each chapter; wonderful songs, perfectly paired with the storylines.

March 20th, 2170

Like he did every day while on duty far away from home, at 2100 Staff Commander Rylan Alenko made a vid-call to his wife, Barbra.

The dark-haired woman appeared on his holoscreen with a bright smile on her face. "How was your day, honey?"

Looking tired, he sighed heavily. "Bad. We got a distress call from a colony. Mindoir. But we got there too late. Slavers had raided the place. Killed everyone. Must have taken a few of the colonists with them, too…"

"I saw it on the news. I'm so sorry, honey. But don't beat yourself up. They said a girl survived. That's something, right?" she offered, trying to cheer him up.

"Yeah, but she was in pretty bad shape. We brought her back to Arcturus with us, but I don't know if she's going to make it."

"The poor thing. How old is she?"

"Fifteen, sixteen, maybe. She was barely conscious when we picked her up. Gomez was trying to talk to her, keep her awake when we were on our way back to the station, but she wasn't answering. She might be in shock. Hell, Zabaleta is in shock. It was pretty rough down there."

"What's her name?"

"No one knows. She had no ID and then she went into surgery and hasn't woken up yet. We're calling her Jane D-… Jane."

"Jane? You mean 'Jane Doe'?"

"Yeah…"

"That's just awful!"

"What else could we do?" Rylan said and noticing his wife was starting to look upset, he thought it was best to change the subject. "How's Kaidan?"

Unfortunately, that question did nothing to improve her mood and she sighed sadly. "He's either out or locked up in his room, always by himself. I don't think he'll ever be the same…"

"He'll get over it."

"Maybe… uh…" Barbra trailed off, wringing her hands.

"Don't tell me –"

"– he should see a shrink. I think it would be good for him."

Rylan blew out an irritated breath. "What would be good for him is to return to the Alliance."

Barbra looked away for a moment and shook her head. Her husband could be such a bullhead sometimes. And so was her son, too.

* * *

When Kaidan got home and saw his mother on a vid-call with his father, he tried to slip past her and get into his room without being noticed. However, the instant his door clicked closed behind him, she was rapping on it, telling him to come out and have dinner with her in the kitchen. He didn't open it. Yelling from inside that he had already eaten, he hoped she would just give up and leave him be.

Since he had gotten back from Jump Zero, a few months ago, it hadn't been easy facing her. Or anyone else. Brain Camp had ruined him. He had gone through hell there. Five kids had died; three of them were friends of his. But what had finally made him snap had been Rahna having her arm broken. Damn, was he insane? He had no idea he could be that much in love with someone. So madly in love that seeing her get hurt had driven him to kill a man… And now she wouldn't even look at him anymore, so afraid of him she was. With good reason, no doubt. They were all freaks, but he was much worse than the others. Of the many students that had snapped there, he was the only one who had gone crazy enough to kill somebody.

The programme was immediately shut down after that. Kaidan couldn't help but wonder if his father had had anything to do with the fact that he had been promptly forgiven and no word had ever been spoken about what he had done there. Nothing had even been noted in his record. They shouldn't have bothered cleaning up his mess. He would have faced the consequences, whatever they were.

But none of it mattered anymore. At first, he had been so lost, he had moved back to his parents' place in Vancouver. Now, he was starting to figure things out. He wasn't going back to the Alliance and he didn't want any more training. He was going to try to live a normal life, without using his 'powers' and far away from other biotic people.

* * *

March 22nd, 2170

"She's a biotic. Scared the hell out of the doctors when she woke up," Rylan told his wife on their usual 2100 vid-call.

Barbra was happy to see the amused half-smile on her husband's face. "They didn't know? Did anyone get hurt?" she asked.

"No, she's not jacked."

"Did you find out her real name?"

"Not yet. She's not big on talking."

"What will happen to her?"

"She was supposed to be taken to an adoption agency on Earth once she recovered, but now that we know she's a biotic… I'm not sure."

* * *

March 26th, 2170

"Jane D–… I mean,  _Jane_  will get those new L3 implants, on Captain Hackett's orders. That kid, Hendel Mitra, who went to BAaT with Kaidan, will begin training her as soon as she recovers from the surgery," Rylan Alenko told his wife. "Not sure if he knows enough to teach, but he's the only other biotic in the station right now. Lieutenant Kyle will oversee."

She saw right through him. "You are recruiting her already? Did she even finish High School?"

"You know how unlikely it is that someone will want to adopt a fifteen-year-old biotic kid? Maybe it's best to find a place for her here in the station until she's old enough to go through Basic. Plus, we need every human biotic within our ranks. They give us an edge in battle and it's the best way to control them. They can be dangerous otherwise."

"Do you think Kaidan is dangerous?" she asked, with an indignant look on her face.

He glanced around to make sure he was alone before he answered, "You don't? You know what happened on BAaT, Barbra. Biotics are not easy to control and there are some kids having problems with the L2 implants. It would be best for everyone if he were to come back to the Alliance."

* * *

March 30th, 2170

Barbra knew her husband wouldn't react well to the news she had for him, but keeping it from him wouldn't be right. And he would find out about it anyway when he came home for his leave. "Kaidan got a job."

"A job? Are you kidding me?! You need to tell him to get his ass back in the Alliance."

"Maybe we should let him find his own path. He's working at a shop repairing omni-tools, consoles, gadgets… all this tech stuff he likes."

Rylan shook his head. "I'll talk to him," he said, immediately ending the vid-call with his wife.

There was no way that conversation would go well, Barbra knew it, and it didn't surprise her when, minutes later, Kaidan came out of his room to tell her he was going to move out as soon as possible, preferably, even before his father came home for his next shore leave.

* * *

April 4th, 2170

"I went to see Jane with Captain Hackett today. She's really invested in learning how to control her biotics and do something useful with it."

Barbra looked off camera, pensively. "Kaidan used to be like that."

"Yeah. Private Mitra is doing a decent job as a teacher. Better than we expected. It could be Kaidan in his place, you know? He should come here, see for himself. Maybe it would inspire him to get back in the Alliance."

"What happened to yelling at him until he changes his mind?"

Rylan snorted at his wife's teasing. "It's not working, is it? Do you think he would agree to come here? I could get him clearance. Perhaps some of Jane's enthusiasm will rub off on him."

"Why don't you bring her here instead? A fifteen-year-old colony kid suddenly locked up in a space station… It can't be good for her. And I bet she would love a home-cooked meal."

"You say that as if Arcturus were a small place. And the girl is sixteen. She's talking now. Not much, mostly to me and Hackett, actually. She hates the psychologist. That's what I like about her," he laughed. "Still, she didn't tell us her real name. She said  _Jane_  was fine."

Barbra didn't answer, just frowned and her eyes dropped to her lap.

"Don't let this bother you, Barb," Rylan said. "I can see why you would sympathize – the kid is human and a biotic. But this kind of thing that happened to her, it happens all the time. The galaxy is a dangerous place."

"I know, but it's so unfair. An entire colony destroyed, only one person survived and she's human and a biotic and you're the one who rescued her… I can't help but to feel for her. I wish I could help her, too. It can't be easy to lose your mother… lose everything at sixteen."

"You don't know anything about this girl. She could be a criminal or have some contagious disease."

Barbra raised one eyebrow and asked wryly, "Really?"

"You know I can't just pick her up and take her to Earth."

"Can't anyone there give you permission? It's for her sake."

He rubbed the back of his neck. "Actually… hmm… the psychologist already recommended her for an adoption and foster care agency in Vancouver and someone will have to take her there. He thinks the agency might find her a home and a home would be better for her than staying here. He says that restoring some of the normalcy in her life might help her get a better hold of her emotions, which will improve her control of her biotics."

Barbra folded her arms in front of her chest and raised an eyebrow. "Did you seriously need a psychologist to tell you that?"

Rylan cleared his throat and continued, pretending his wife had never spoken. "Anyway, the Captain agreed and he seems convinced that Jane will come back to the Alliance by herself when she's of age. So… if it will please you, I might volunteer to take her to the shelter for the agency on my leave and then you can meet her, bake her a cake or whatever it is that you want to do for her."

"I knew you had a soft heart," Barbra grinned.

"Yeah. I'll talk to Hackett.


	2. Lisa Mae

March 20th, 2170

Lisa Mae Shepard woke up in the middle of the night with the noise of weapons being fired and people screaming. A second later her dad was opening the door to the room she shared with her grandmother and rushing them out. He was holding a shotgun and her older brother was right behind him with a baseball bat in his hands.

"Hurry! I can see them. They're getting close. Oh, God! They're killing everyone!" her mom shouted from the other room.

Immediately Lisa Mae went to help her grandma, who was understandably confused to wake up with the house in uproar and the sounds of a war going on right outside her window.

Nervous and in a hurry, her brother picked grandma up on his arms and led the family to the pantry in the back of the house while dad stayed behind turning off all the lights and locking the doors.

Instants later, he rejoined them. The whole family was crammed up inside the small pantry, trying not to make any noise and praying their hiding place wouldn't be found. Silent tears were running down her mom's cheeks and her dad put an arm around her shoulder while the other kept a firm grip on his shotgun.

Lisa Mae was sweating and shaking, her heart racing in her chest. She could feel the dark energy beginning to ripple through her body; that stupid blue light that insisted on flaring when she least wanted it to. Her family was staring at her with panicked, pleading looks on their faces, noticing her struggle and hoping to God she would be able to restrain herself.

They all held their breaths when they heard steps inside the house and her brother grasped her arm roughly. "Control yourself, freak," he hissed.

The steps were getting louder, closer. Terrified, Lisa Mae squeezed her eyes shut, gritting her teeth and clenching her fists as she fought with all her willpower to keep the dark energy in her at bay. But she could not control it. No matter how much she tried, she had never been able to. She had searched the extranet for information about her  _condition_ , as the people on Mindoir used to refer to her biotics, and though there hadn't been much on human biotics, she had still found out there were implants and training facilities for people like her. Not that it mattered. Her parents thought developing those strange abilities wasn't worth the trouble, because it wasn't like she was going to need them anyway to work on their farm.

However, maybe, if she had gotten those implants and gone away to train, she wouldn't have flared when they were hidden tonight, the flash of blue so intense and bright that even if the pantry had no windows it would be hard for anyone inside the house to miss it. After that, it all happened so fast. It took the slavers only a second to get the pantry door open. Her father shot in the face the first one that came into view, killing him, but there were six others behind him who shot her whole family multiple times in the blink of an eye. They all slumped to the floor around her and, suddenly, she was pistol-whipped. The blow sent her to the ground, blood gushing from her cheek where it had been split open.

The alien who had hit her picked her up and threw her over his shoulder. She didn't kick or scream, paralyzed in fear and horror and still dizzy from the blow to her face. As he walked out of the house with her, she saw dozens of dead bodies, all people she knew. The only ones alive were a few girls, crying and screaming, as the batarians dragged them to their shuttles. She thought she was going to be sick. Oh, God, she was going to be sick.

With the contents of her stomach running down his back, the batarian threw her on the ground, yelling at her as he kicked her and hit her on the face with the butt of his pistol.

Then his gun was pointed at her chest and she didn't move, just wished he would kill her and get that nightmare over with. Other batarians passed by them, shouting and rushing to their shuttles. The one in front of her looked at them apprehensively and shouted something back. Another one that seemed to be in charge shook his head, pointing to the other girls that were being taken. They were all much younger than her. The slavers didn't want her and she would be killed too, like the adults and the boys.

The batarian took a step back and shot at her twice before turning around and running towards the shuttles to escape with the others.

* * *

All she wanted was to fall asleep and never wake up. But they wouldn't let her, those people that rescued her, treated her wounds, gave her meds, fed her and kept trying to make her feel better.

She didn't know what for. What was she supposed to do with her life? Where was she supposed to go once she was healed? She was utterly and completely alone in the galaxy; an underage girl with no money and no skills or talents. What future was there for her?

Her belief that her family was watching her from heaven made living through each day even harder and more painful. What could she possibly do with the rest of her life for them to forgive her, to be proud of her?

That dumbass psychologist they kept sending into her room had no idea either. All he would do was ask her more and more questions when answers were what she really needed. Like shit, that was how she felt every single day. Why did he even ask? Hadn't he heard her whole family and every single person she knew had been murdered? Didn't he see the reporters that had gone there to take pictures of the "sole survivor of Mindoir" with her rescuers only to leave her out of their shots when they noticed how badly damaged her face was? Didn't he know the doctors had to remove a bullet lodged in her ribs and she would still need months of rehab to fully recover the movements of her arm because of the other bullet that had gone through her shoulder?

That was why she liked Captain Hackett, Commander Alenko and the other soldiers there. They didn't ask her anything; they just told her what she was supposed to do. And they were completely unfazed by her marred face. Hackett even had a scar similar to hers, but his looked old and completely healed while hers was still puckered on the edges, swollen and angry.

As the days went by and she remained in recovery and mostly stuck in bed, it was from them that she got the answers she was looking for. They changed her name, calling her Jane Doe or just Jane when they noticed she had her eyes open; they got her some used clothes with military patterns; they gave her implants for her biotics; they assigned people to teach her how to control her flares and use dark energy to lift and pull stuff; and they told her they would send her to foster care, but that she was supposed to return to the Alliance when she turned eighteen. It was a solid plan and it was not like she had any other options anyway. Even if she had, this would be the path she would choose, because it was thanks to the Alliance that her biotics were becoming useful instead of causing damage. For someone who had been thinking she should be dead and that there was no more place for her in the galaxy, to find out now that she was  _Jane – biotic recruit for the Alliance_  was such a relief. As a soldier she would be able to help people, like they had helped her, and maybe… hopefully, make up for her family's death on Mindoir.

* * *

April 14th, 2170

She was not at all excited about going to Earth. Resting her head against the window in the shuttle, she closed her eyes and said a silent prayer, hoping to God the shelter where she would be staying in Vancouver was a nice one, because most likely that was where she would live for the next eighteen months, until she could go back to the Alliance. What were the odds of this agency finding some warm family home willing to take in a freak like her? Surely not great. But what did she care if no one wanted her anyway? She didn't want anyone either. Her own family wasn't comfortable around her since she was ten and flared for the first time. Still, hers was the only family she wanted. And… yes, it would be best if the agency didn't find her another.

As if to corroborate her own thoughts on the matter, she heard Commander Alenko on a call with his wife. "She's got a nasty scar across her left cheek that goes down to her upper lip. There was some nerve damage the doctors weren't able to repair so her mouth deviates a little towards her right side when she talks. That's probably why she doesn't talk much. I thought you should know, so you won't have a… any strong reactions when you see her," he said.

He had probably thought she was sleeping so, not wanting him to find out she wasn't, she kept her eyes closed. She was fine with him warning his wife about her. It was understandable that he wouldn't want to scare the woman. She should have refused going to his home in the first place, but it wasn't like anyone had given her the option. They were trying to be nice to her, she got it. She just wished they wouldn't bother. It would be the most awkward lunch ever, with Commander Alenko's civilian family pretending they didn't pity her or that her scar didn't gross them out.

 _Civilian family_ , she repeated the words in her head. Her entire life she had never even considered becoming a soldier. Now she didn't fit anywhere else but in the military. Only in the Alliance she would be useful instead of a burden and her biotics would help rather than scare people. Unfortunately, for the next year and a half she would remain an unwanted freak forgotten in a damned shelter for orphans in Vancouver.

* * *

April 15th, 2170

It was early in the morning on a Sunday when they arrived in Vancouver. The Alenkos lived in a very nice and peaceful residential district, with big houses and really clean streets. With her good arm Lisa Mae grabbed the half-empty duffel bag that contained her belongings and waited by the commander's side while he approached the military-grade scan on the door to his home. The door unlocked and he beckoned her in.

A woman in her late 40s, a little overweight, with beautiful olive skin and dark hair came running to hug the commander and gave him a quick peck on the lips.

"Jane, this is Mrs. Alenko," he said.

The woman rolled her eyes and waved him off. "You can call me Barbra, dear," she corrected him with a warm smile on her face, already setting Lisa's duffel bag on the floor and helping her out of her coat.

"Jesus, Rylan!" Mrs. Alenko turned to her husband with her hands on her waist. "Why didn't you say she needed clothes?"

"What's wrong with her clothes?" he asked, confused.

Lisa blushed and looked down, crossing her arms in front of her chest defensively. She had used a knife to cut three more holes on the old belt she was wearing so it would hold her large cargo pants in place and her grey t-shirt was about three sizes too big for her and probably a decade old.

"What else do you have there?" Mrs. Alenko pointed at her bag.

"I… uh… just stuff the soldiers gave me," Lisa said, still not looking up.

The older woman shook her head. "How about we go shopping later?"

Lisa chewed on her lower lip, unsure about how to deny the invitation without disappointing this woman that was trying so hard to be nice to her and without having to explain that she didn't have any money. "These clothes are fine," she finally said.

"Nonsense. We are going, dear. It'll be my treat." Mrs. Alenko put a hand on her shoulder. "Come, there's breakfast in the kitchen."

Lisa looked at Commander Alenko as if asking for his permission. He was dragging a hand over his face, but then he nodded and followed them into the kitchen.

After breakfast, he retired to his room and Jane stayed in the kitchen with Mrs. Alenko. The older woman was doing most of the talking, telling Lisa about the weather on Earth and other bland, safe topics.

Lisa was sitting at the table, on a chair facing the kitchen door when it hissed open and a tall and lean young man came in. Instantly, she lowered her head and let her shoulder-length dark-brown hair fall over the scarred side of her face.

Mrs. Alenko smiled widely to see him. "Kaidan, there's someone I want you to meet. You saw about Mindoir on the news, right? This is the girl your father rescued there. Her name is…" she hesitated. "Uh… they call her Jane."

Without raising her head, Lisa shook hands with him and muttered a barely audible, "Hi."

Immediately, he let go of her as if he had been shocked and she hastily put her hand over her scar to make sure it was covered, thinking that he had pulled out like that because he had seen it.

He turned to his mother, frowning. "Is she a biotic?"

Oh, it was not the scar then. It was the other… thing. "I'm sorry. I… I have to… go to…" Lisa mumbled, trying to make an excuse to leave. She bumped on the table as she got up, making the glasses on top of it sway dangerously. As she reached out to steady them, Kaidan was already on it, so she pulled back. Nervous and embarrassed, she couldn't control the blue corona that started forming around her.

"… go to the bathroom," she finally managed to finish and fled the kitchen.


	3. Boys

Kaidan couldn't help but wince as Jane passed by him on her way out of the kitchen. Whenever he was near other biotics he could feel the buzz of dark energy coming from them and it was just that — a buzz. And of course there was Rahna. Being around her felt really good. The hum of her biotics was pleasing and soothing, almost melodic and always in harmony with his. But Jane's… what the hell was that? Definitely not a buzz. It was more like a screech, utterly irritating, as if it were out of tune. He was certain than being around her would trigger a migraine, so he was about to tell his mother he couldn't stay for lunch when she spoke first.

"I thought I had taught you better than this. You can't even be polite around other biotics? Don't you know what this poor girl has been through?" she scolded him.

"Ma, you don't understand. She's –"

"– a lovely girl," she cut him off. "I don't want to hear another word, Kaidan. You will stay for lunch and you will be nice to her."

Not willing to admit his defeat just yet, he blew out an irritated breath, but he knew there was no way he could win this argument. Of course a girl with a tear-jerking story like this one would win his mother's heart. So, for his mother, he would stay and be nice to Jane and endure the migraine that surely would come from it.

He went after her and found her in the backyard using a biotic lift on her duffel bag.

"What are you doing?" he asked, unable to keep his annoyance from showing in his tone.

Immediately, she dropped the bag and lowered her head, her hair falling down and covering most of her face. "Commander Alenko said I could practice outside the house."

He watched her for a second, looking like she wanted to disappear and decided to try again. "Look, I… I didn't mean to… I'm sorry. Why don't you come inside? Let's see what's on TV."

"The commander said you are a biotic too," Jane said, grabbing her bag and following him back into the house.

"I don't really want to talk about it," he replied.

They sat on the couch and he began shuffling through channels. She was completely quiet, her head lowered and her hair still covering half her face. It didn't seem like anyone could actually watch TV like that.

The silence was stretching between them, getting awkward. To make it worse, every now and then a wave or dark energy would flow from her. It felt as irritating as being poked and it was taking all his self-control not to snap at her again. Her biotics were a wild, cacophonous mess of untamed energy that was setting his teeth on edge. God, how he missed Rahna and the even, soft whisper of her biotics, so delicate as it mingled with his.

"Can we watch that?" Jane asked, interrupting his thoughts.

It was the tenth remake of Battlestar Galactica. "Do you like this show?" Kaidan raised his dark eyebrows at her.

"If you don't want to watch it, it's fine. I shouldn't have said anything."

He stared at her for a moment, realizing she was as uncomfortable there as he was. Or even more so. Her head was still down. Not even once they had made eye-contact.

"This version is terrible," he said, going for a lighter tone. "You should watch the second and the eighth remakes. They're the best. Real classics."

She nodded.

There was finally something they could talk about after those endless minutes of awkward silence that had felt more like hours and he was not going to let her just drop the subject like that. "I have them in OSDs. Want me to copy them to your omni-tool?"

"I… ah… there's no need. Thank you."

Damn, she was so frustrating. "Didn't you say you like this show?"

"I don't have an omni-tool. I had, but… I used to take it off before going to bed and I was sleeping when they…"

It seemed he couldn't get one right with her. But before he could give it another try at being at least polite, his mom appeared at the door.

"Kaidan, your father wants to talk to you upstairs. Jane, dear, will you help me in the kitchen?"

* * *

Lisa Mae shuddered at the unexpected pulse of energy that passed through her and exchanged glances with Mrs. Alenko when they heard glass breaking upstairs.

"I'll be right back, dear," the woman said, forcing out a smile as she rushed out of the kitchen.

There was some yelling, but Lisa couldn't make out the words. After a few minutes, Kaidan stormed down the stairs enveloped in dark energy and headed to the backyard.

"Are you okay?" she asked, going after him.

"Don't come near me!" he hissed, clenching his fists and pacing angrily. "Why doesn't it stop?"

"Because you're angry and upset," she replied, getting closer to him.

For the first time she was feeling his biotics interact with hers. He had been so controlled earlier, she had no idea he was so powerful. It felt like fire burning inside her, raw energy setting her own to flames.

As she flared, his own corona seemed to have found renewed life. "You're not helping," he snarled.

"I'm trying to." She captured him with a biotic lift and held him upside-down in the air.

"What the hell are you doing?" he yelled so she could hear him despite the rapidly increasing distance between them.

"Calming you down so you can regain control," she yelled back.

It worked. It wasn't exactly easy to focus on anything, not even your own anger, when you were floating upside-down and in a few instants the only energy around him was hers.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Alenko exclaimed from the balcony on the first floor. "Rylan, come here!"

Shit! Startled, Lisa dropped Kaidan. If his parents had thought she might have been attacking their son, now they were sure of it, because she was letting him fall head first on the ground. Thankfully, she managed a biotic pull at the last second, making him come crashing against her instead.

As they hit the ground, he immediately rolled off her and got up on his feet. "Are you insane?"

She wanted to apologize but her voice didn't come out, the wind knocked out of her when her back had hit the ground with all his weight on top of her. Her not-yet-completely-healed body protested as she tried to get up and her face contorted with pain.

"What happened there?"

"I was trying to help," she replied, but as she looked at him she realized that was not what he was talking about. His expression had softened and his eyes were on her face. "Oh, this? This was…" she covered her scar with her hand.

Looking embarrassed, he shook his head. "Never mind. I shouldn't have asked."

Before he could offer a hand to help her up, she turned on her side and used her left arm to push herself up.

He nodded at her right arm, eyebrows furrowed. "Are you hurt?"

"No. Yes. I mean… I took a bullet…" she trailed off and looked away from him. She hadn't talked to anyone about Mindoir and she wasn't going to start now. It was maddening that every subject seemed to end up there at some point.

Commander Alenko and his wife joined them in the backyard and she was grateful for their timing even if they were going to throw her out of the house.

"The landing needs more work, but the lift was solid, Jane. Nice job," the commander said, an amused smile on his face. "Kaidan could give you some tips. He was the best in his class."

Surprised, she smiled and shot Kaidan an expectant look, but he just rolled his eyes and went back into the house.

After that, lunch was pretty uncomfortable with an upset Kaidan staring at his plate and stabbing at his food.

Commander Alenko spared a glance at his son and then cocked his head to find Lisa's eyes. When she met his gaze, he deliberately knocked a glass off the table. Before it hit the floor, she picked it up with a biotic lift.

Immediately, Kaidan dropped his fork and knife noisily over his plate and stalked out of the kitchen.

"Rylan!" his wife chided him and Lisa almost curled into herself in embarrassment.

He just shrugged and tapped the girl on her bad shoulder. "You'll make a fine soldier, kid."

* * *

After lunch and going shopping for a few things with Mrs. Alenko, the commander dropped Lisa off at the shelter for the adoption and foster agency.

The shelter was a slightly dilapidated building, surrounded by high walls. On the ground floor there was the reception, kitchen, cafeteria, laundry, two classrooms and a common room with a big TV and many couches and chairs of different sizes and colors, mostly old and worn out. On the first floor there was the girl's dorm, with bunk beds and lockers, and shared bathrooms. Each kid was entitled to one locker which was more than enough since none of them had enough possessions to actually fill it. There were about thirty girls there, all younger than her which made her feel bad as if she was failing at something, but she didn't quite know what it was.

When all the kids got together for dinner in the cafeteria, she noticed the boys were twice as many as the girls and a few of them were her age or older. She felt a little better, though still strangely embarrassed to be there.

"You're new."

Lisa raised her eyes to look at the boy sitting across from her. "Yeah."

"I'm Jarell. You?"

"Jane."

A kid dropped his tray behind her. She was startled by the unexpected loud noise and turned around abruptly to see what was going on. It took her only a couple of seconds to turn back and hide behind her hair again, but it had been enough for Jarell to get a good look at her face.

"Damn! That's one nasty scar you got there. How did you get it?"

She let out an annoyed sigh. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Alright," he shrugged. Waving to his friends who were on the table to his left he mouthed, "She's staying."

"What does that mean?" she asked, trying to rein in her irritation.

"Just telling my friends – Tyronne, Mano and Rajit," he pointed at each one of them, "you're staying. I've lived here for ten years, you know? If you're not a cute baby girl, you're not getting out of here any time soon."

"Whatever." It was not like she was hoping she would anyway.

"There was a blonde one here once," he continued. "People were lining up to adopt her. Redheads don't stay long either. And next are the kids with green eyes. But you, Scar, you're old, you don't have rare eye or hair color and you have  _that_  on your face. You'll be here until you're eighteen and then they'll throw you out. Just like me. Like us," he made a gesture towards his friends again.

"I don't care. I don't want a family." She really didn't. But why thinking that no one wanted her was making her so angry?

"Of course not. Me neither," Jarell said, looking down to his tray of food.

They just sat there, quietly eating their dinner for long minutes, until a four-year-old redhead girl passed by their table, running and giggling. Damned kid was cute indeed and it annoyed Lisa deeply. Jarrell nodded at the kid. "Arrived yesterday and will be gone by the end of the week, I bet a month's dessert on it. Not that dessert here is any good…"

"What do you want?" Lisa asked, her patience running thin.

"Nothing, Scar. Relax."

At that her control snapped and dark energy erupted from her body.

"Whoa!" he exclaimed, his jaw dropping.

She quickly regained control, but the cafeteria had gone silent, everyone staring at her. Then there was the sound of heels clicking on the hard floor, approaching her fast and she took a deep, calming breath, focusing on not making things worse.

Two supervisors escorted her to the manager's office, where the three adults discussed for a long time, until the manager, Mrs. Legrand, came talk to her. The woman went on forever about how benevolent it was of them to accept  _someone like her_ , how she should be grateful and not cause any problems.

Lisa had only been in the shelter for a few hours, but she hated it already. All her focus and willpower were going to into holding back her biotics as Mrs. Legrand scolded her. If anything good could come out of her staying there, it would be that after eighteen months of putting up with that place and the people there, she would surely become the master of self-control.

* * *

April 16th, 2170

Jarell sat with her for breakfast. "Hey, Scar, they gave you a hard time?"

"No." Although she wasn't in the mood to talk to him or anyone else, that wasn't a lie just to avoid follow-up questions. People treating her badly because they didn't understand and/or were afraid of her biotics wasn't news to her and she wouldn't consider it a hard time. More like a  _regular_  time in fact.

"That blue thing you did, it was so cool! I thought only asari could do that."

When she didn't say anything, he insisted. "Can you control it like them? Do tricks?"

To see someone actually excited that she was a biotic was a nice change. The Alliance was all business when it came to it and people in general were scared. Suddenly, she was feeling less inclined to keep ignoring Jarell. "Yeah."

"No way! You have to show me."

"I'm sure Mrs. Legrand would love that."

"Not here. I know a place," he muttered.

"Aren't we supposed to have a class or something right now?"

"Or something. There are only two classrooms. One is for the kids up to eleven and the other is for everyone else."

After learning that, Lisa was not surprised that the classes turned out to be a complete waste of time. There was only one teacher to handle all subjects and try to make it work with kids in totally different levels of education. It took forever just to get everyone to sit down and the woman never managed to get them all to shut up. After lunch there was more of the good-for-nothing classes and then PE, which wasn't so bad. At 5pm they finally had some free time and while most kids went to the common room to watch TV, Lisa followed Jarell to the second floor. The boy's dorm was there and the whole floor was off-limits for the girls, however the shelter didn't have enough staff to keep constant watch everywhere and the corridor was empty at this time. They rushed past the boy's bathrooms and the janitor's closet and reached an emergency exit. Lisa thought the fire alarm would go off when Jarell pushed the door open, but he told her it hadn't been working since forever. They went up two flights of stairs and got out on the flat roof. The shelter was surrounded by other grey prefab public buildings, making for a very boring view. But at least it was quiet and spacious up there.

"Alright, Scar. Show me your asari tricks," Jarell said and Lisa brought her biotics to life.

There wasn't any object up there she could use, so she asked him to take off his jacket.

All she knew was pull, lift and throw and, to his amusement, she used them all on the piece of clothing quite a few times, until she was feeling exhausted and they sat down for her to rest.

"That was amazing, Scar! You're like a super hero! What are you going to do when you get out of here? Put on a uniform and fight crime?" he asked, excitedly.

"Yeah, sort of," she smiled. "I want to join the Alliance."

"It figures. With the things you can do... and you'll even have a uniform. I guess, you'll really be a super hero then."

"What about you?"

His excitement faded and he stared pensively at the horizon. "I don't know. I still have six months to decide, but if you're still here when you turn eighteen, they give you the enlistment papers and try to convince you to join the military before putting you out on the street. In the end, most kids join, you know. It's the only way to be sure we'll have food, a roof and a salary when we get out. Well, there are the gangs, too."

"Gangs?" That word alone bothered her. It made her think of criminals, people like those batarians who attacked Mindoir. "You would join a gang?"

"They do some heavy recruiting around here, not unlike the Alliance. I know people who left the shelter for both sides."

"What about Tyronne, Mano and Rajit?" she asked.

"Raj is definitely Alliance. Ty and Mano, gangs. Ty's brother lived here too, you know? He left a year ago and we heard he's been doing well for himself with the Reds."

Lisa was annoyed by that, but she didn't press the matter. It was almost 6pm and they had to get to the ground floor before the supervisors began scanning rooms and corridors, rounding up the kids for dinner.

From that day on she made all meals with Jarell and his friends, sat with them during classes and they began going to the roof with her in the afternoons. Hanging out with them gave her a comforting sense of belonging. Although they called her Scar, they were not in the slightest moved or bothered by her face. And they were thrilled by her biotics. For the first time since the attack on Mindoir, she was actually having fun as she used her powers to make them float over the building during their 5pm break.


	4. A New Home

May, 14th, 2170

Lisa could hardly believe when Mrs. Legrand told her they had found her a foster family. Not only that but all the paperwork had already been done and approved and she would be meeting them the next day. During lunch she gave Jarell and his friends the news, but they acted as if it was nothing and then, after PE, they didn't follow her to the roof.

Alone, she decided not to practice that day and just sat there, staring at nowhere, trying to figure out how she felt about having a family again. She had been convinced she didn't want any that wasn't hers, but there was no denying it was comforting to know someone out there wanted to take care of her.

"Hey," Jarell interrupted her thoughts, sitting by her side.

"Hey," she flashed him her crooked smile. It was good to see him up there, even if it was almost time for them to go down for dinner. The way he and the others had acted earlier, as if they didn't care that she was leaving, had really bothered her. They were friends and she thought that they would be happy for her. Or maybe sad that she wouldn't be around anymore. What she didn't expect was their indifference.

Jarell looked upset and she scooted closer to him. "Are you okay?"

He let out a wistful sigh. "Yeah. It's just… we thought you were staying, you know? Everyone that goes is a reminder that we are getting left behind."

"Only five more months and you'll be out, too."

"Yeah…"

"Promise me you'll join the Alliance."

"I don't know."

"Please, Jarell. Alliance, not some gang."

"I promise you I'll think about it"

"Thank you," she said softly.

"Damn, Scar. I was so sure you'd be staying," he uttered, his voice low and sad.

"Because I'm not a  _cute baby girl_?" she asked, playfully quoting him and nudging him with her elbow.

Looking into her eyes, he tucked her hair behind her ear, exposing the marred side of her face. "You are beautiful, Jane, but I know most people can't see past the scar. That's why you cover it with your hair, isn't it?"

"This is the first time you've called me 'Jane'."

"It is your name, right?"

She broke eye-contact, looking down. She might still think of herself as Lisa Mae, but no one else did. There wasn't a single person alive who had known Lisa Mae Shepard and that was why she had become Jane Doe. All traces of her old life and the girl she was were gone. "Yeah," she replied, even though she knew it had been a rhetorical question and he wasn't waiting for an answer.

They were quiet for a while and then she spoke, "Do you really think I'm beautiful?"

"Promise me you won't be mad?" he asked and she nodded. "The day you arrived I only sat with you because I wanted to check you out. I had seen just half of your face and thought you were beautiful and then I saw this…" he reached up and gently traced her scar with his fingers, "I can't say it's beautiful and I'm sorry you had to go through whatever caused it, but I was sure this scar was going to keep you here, so… yeah, I… uh… I can't say I didn't like it."

Of all the various ways people had reacted to seeing her scar – pity, disgust, horror, curiosity, feigned indifference – Jarell's was no doubt the most unexpected. He liked it? That horrible thing on her face that was a constant reminder of the worst day of her life? That couldn't be right.

"You  _like_  it?" She had to be sure.

"I  _liked_  it because I thought it meant this beautiful new girl was staying at the shelter. Now I like it because it's part of you and… I like you. You're pretty cool, Jane," he said, giving her a disarming half smile.

His fingers trailed gently down to her neck and she closed her eyes. She had never been touched like that. Since the attack on Mindoir, she had not been touched at all but for medical reasons and the occasional handshake. And before that… ever since the colonists had learned she was a biotic, they had avoided getting too close to her. No one knew much about human biotics and, from being able to read minds to being radioactive, the weirdest rumors had been spread about her on Mindoir.

When she opened her eyes again, he was really close to her and she could feel his breath blowing warm against her lips.

"Can I kiss you?" he asked, barely waiting for her nod as he leaned in and his mouth connected to hers.

Lisa blushed and for an instant there she didn't know what to do. His tongue brushed her lips softly and she parted them for him and just let it happen, more out of curiosity than anything else. When they broke the kiss to breathe, though there had been some fumbling, she thought it had been good enough for a first time.

Jarell was a dear friend and she was glad that it had been with him that she got to share her first kiss. That was a nice memory to have; the best from her time at the shelter.

* * *

When Lisa saw the Alenkos waiting for her, ready to take her home with them, she felt a huge relief. At first she had thought the shelter would be preferable to any family that wasn't hers, but these people… they were different. They seemed to understand her.

Mrs. Alenko met her with a warm smile on her face and hugged her as if she were part of the family already and had been missed. Commander Alenko was not one for displays of affection, but he was looking content as he patted her on her bad shoulder and he even carried her duffel bag to the car for her.

On their way home they asked her about the things she liked to eat, if she had any allergies and if she needed any more clothes or supplies of any kind. When they arrived, they immediately set the front door scan to recognize her and then they gave her a room with her own bathroom and left her alone to bathe and get settled while they prepared lunch.

The room they gave her had been Kaidan's. When he moved out he took most of his stuff with him, so it was empty but for two items.

On a shelf there was a real paper book, a hardcover edition of Childhood's End by Arthur C. Clarke. On the first page there was a simple dedication from the commander to his son. One did not come across real books every day. They were mostly rare and valuable special editions with limited copies. That wasn't something you just forget when you move out. Kaidan must have left it behind on purpose to spite his father, to make a statement. It was a shame, but it gave her the chance to read a paper book for the first time and she wouldn't waste it. She grabbed the book and put it on the nightstand by the bed.

The only other thing he had left there was in the wardrobe — a t-shirt with Leia, Luke and Han Solo from the latest Star Wars holo-movie that had been released a few years ago. She had loved that movie and wondered if he would mind if she wore it to bed, since she had no pajamas. Probably not, after all he had left it behind.

* * *

Her first week with the Alenkos was alright, though being in an actual home made her miss her family and her old routine even more. She had no idea that simple things like her mom's cooking, watching TV in the evening with her grandma, helping her father with the orchard and even the screaming matches she had with her brother were such a big part of her life and that she would miss them so much.

The Alenkos were doing their best to keep her occupied. She would go jogging with the commander on the beach in the mornings and then he would put her to work out with him in the guest room that he had repurposed into a gym. And Mrs. Alenko would require her help in the kitchen and with the garden, bring her along when she had errands to run in the city and keep her company while she practiced her biotics in the backyard.

Although she was staying in his old room, reading his book, sleeping in his shirt and listening to Mrs. Alenko talk about him all the time, since the day they had met she hadn't seen Kaidan again. However, as soon as the commander's shore leave ended and he returned to Arcturus, she was sure Kaidan would show up there to visit his mom. And Lisa was kind of looking forward to seeing him. Apparently, he didn't like his powers much, but maybe she could change his mind. It would be so nice to have another biotic around for her to practice with.

* * *

May 30th, 2170

Kaidan shook his head vehemently, hoping he could get his mother to see reason. "This is not a good idea, Ma. Her biotics are completely out of control. You have no idea how dangerous that is."

Barbra shrugged. "Don't worry, son. I've been watching her practice. She's getting better."

He stared at her image on the holoscreen in disbelief. "She's living there already?"

"For the past two weeks, yes."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You'd know if you came here more often."

Kaidan let out a frustrated sigh. "Is Pa still there?"

"Yes. He leaves for Arcturus tomorrow. Can't you come at least to say goodbye?"

"No. I'm busy tomorrow."

By the look of disappointment on his mom's face, she knew he was lying. "I'll come see you on the weekend, okay?" he tried to fix it. "Unless… Ma, with Pa back on duty, are you sure you're going to be safe?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"I don't like the idea of you alone with a biotic who can't control her powers. Isn't Pa worried about this?"

"He was the one who told me to stay with her while she practices."

"Hell, Ma! You shouldn't stay anywhere near her when she's –"

"It's fun," she interrupted him. "She lifted me the other day. It was like flying, Kaidan. It felt incredible."

He took a deep breath and said patiently, "I have to go now, Ma. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

The instant he ended the vid-call there was nothing calm about him anymore.  _It felt like flying? It was incredible?_  Did his mom lose it? What was she trying to do? Be best friends with some unstable biotic girl? God, to think that crazy girl was using her poorly controlled biotics on his mom. He didn't care whatever hell she had been through; he wanted to smack some sense into her.

Dark energy was crackling on his hands, his own control snapping. Fuck! He was no better than her. But at least he wasn't putting anyone else in danger. He tried to calm down, to focus on his breathing, to relax, but it wasn't working. Small objects were starting to float around him; he needed to cool it fast. The last time something like this had happened, that insane Jane kid had lifted him and held him up in the air upside-down. It'd worked and… yeah, it'd felt incredible indeed.

Despite himself, Kaidan laughed and realized the blue corona around him was subsiding and the floating objects were landing softly on the floor. He held on to that feeling until he was in complete control again. To be fair, Jane had handled that lift pretty well that day. Until she hadn't anymore and had dropped him. Yeah, it was best not to let her practice anywhere near his mom.

* * *

June 1st, 2170

His father had left Earth on Thursday, so Kaidan decided to go check on his mother on Friday. The instant he entered the house he knew Jane was using her biotics. He followed the direction the irritatingly uneven waves of energy were coming from and found her in the kitchen with his mom. Jane was using a biotic pull to bring down a bowl from the top shelf of the cabinet.

It annoyed him so much, he didn't even greet them. "Can't you use a ladder or climb on a chair like normal people?"

"Kaidan!" his mother reproached him.

"I believe Pa said she could practice outside the house. I don't see how this is outside."

Barbra put her hands on her waist. "So now you decide to listen to your father?"

"I'm just worried you're alone here with her," he retorted, pointing at Jane who was already running away from the kitchen, the halo of dark energy around her spiking as she passed by him. "See? She can't control it!"

"She was controlling it just fine before you started yelling at her."

"She was not. I felt it, the minute I came in here –"

"I've been watching her practice every day and she never lost control, she never even broke anything. You have to give her a chance, Kaidan."

"Ma, you have no idea how aggravating it is to be around her. Dark energy radiates from her all the time. At least tell her not to use her amp."

"What amp? She doesn't have one."

"What?!" Damn, she was powerful. Too fucking dangerous. With an amp she would probably spike higher than him. "Ma, I beg you, please, for your safety –"

"Kaidan, son," Barbra interrupted him, lowering her voice. "Don't think for one second that your father and I don't know what she's capable of. We know it better than her and that's why we decided to foster her. She's got no one else and with her powers... it's very important that she follows the straight and narrow. We can give her the support and stability she needs to make sure that she does.

"When we let them take you to BAaT, we didn't know any better. What happened there was not your fault, Kaidan. They're the only ones to blame, you have to believe this. We're helping this girl so something like this doesn't happen to her, too. We –"

"– are trying to do better for her, because you couldn't do it for me," he finished for her, his voice no more than a whisper as realization dawned on him.

His mother gave him a sad smile and nodded, the tension in the room dwindling.

"I... I have to think about this."

* * *

From the balcony on the first floor you could see the Locarno Beach and feel the moist and salty breeze coming from the ocean. It became Lisa's favorite spot in the house. She had never seen the ocean before coming to Vancouver and she found it very soothing to watch the waves crashing against the shore.

That was where Mrs. Alenko found her after what had happened in the kitchen.

"I apologize for Kaidan's behavior, dear. He wasn't always like this. He used to be a very sweet kid, actually," the woman said softly.

Lisa was quiet, so Mrs. Alenko continued. "He was eight when his biotics manifested for the first time. When he was fourteen he was taken to BAaT. Or Brain Camp, like he calls it. It was some kind of school for human biotics. They came for him because Rylan had added his information to this database the Alliance keeps on human biotics. Of course we knew very little about biotics at the time and we honestly thought this school would be good for him. But some very bad things happened there and they ended up shutting the place down. When Kaidan came back, he had changed." She sighed. "Really changed."

The older woman came closer and leaned on the railing by Lisa's side. "It's nothing personal. He acts like that because he doesn't want anyone to get hurt. He's just… afraid. Afraid of his own power, of not being able to control it."

Mrs. Alenko put a hand on her shoulder. "Rylan is so proud of you, Jane, of your abilities, your dedication. He's sure you'll do well in the military. We want that for Kaidan, too. Maybe you could help him with that, with accepting who he is."

Oh? So she was there for a reason, Lisa realized. The Alenkos had decided to foster her not to help her — or at least not  _just_  to help her — but to help their own son. And how was she supposed to do what they expected of her? She was a complete mess and Kaidan seemed to hate her.

"Let's go downstairs and have dinner, dear. Kaidan left, but maybe you could go to his shop on Monday. You need an omni-tool, right? I'll ask him to set you up," Mrs. Alenko said, keeping the hand on her shoulder as they headed to the kitchen.


	5. Friends?

June 4th, 2170

Lisa was taking summer classes to finish the 11th grade so she could start her senior year in September. Just one more year and she would be done with what had been a torment for her ever since the biotic flares had started – going to school. She now had a little more control over her powers and if she kept her head down to hide the scar, she would probably succeed in going through this last year of school without anyone taking notice of her. Fortunately everything else about her was pretty ordinary – skinny, medium height, dark-brown hair and eyes; plus her once beautiful sun tanned skin was rather pale now.

Living so close to the beach, she could probably have kept her tan… if she didn't have all those horrible scars from bullet wounds and from being pistol-whipped. She should really start saving money for a plastic surgery. It would be nice to look normal again.

Lucky her that Jarell had kissed her that day at the shelter. Thanks to him she knew how a kiss felt and, damn, it'd felt good. If only they had had more time together… She was sure it wouldn't be easy to find another boy who liked her. Certainly not until she could afford that plastic surgery…

Lisa sighed, looking at her reflection on the mirror, at the once red scar on her cheek that was now turning a just-as-ugly shade of purple. On the plus side, it wasn't swollen anymore. As usual she covered it with her hair before going out.

Today after class she would go to Kaidan's workplace to get an omni-tool for herself, like Mrs. Alenko had told her to. She was not looking forward to meeting him again. He was a powerful biotic — more than Private Mitra, she had noticed it when she had first visited the Alenkos — he was smart and really handsome and she was living with his parents, so yes, it would be nice if they could be friends. They should be friends, actually, but he clearly didn't want to. Hell, he seemed to despise her.

* * *

As she walked into the backroom where the guy on the counter had told her she would find Kaidan, she took a deep, calming breath to keep her biotics in check, knowing full well how much her powers irritated him.

She found him surrounded by dismantled terminals and console parts and greeted him shyly.

"There's something I need to finish first and then I'll set up your tool," he said, not bothering to look at her. His eyes were fixed on whatever he was doing on his workbench.

"Thanks. Can I wait here?"

"Sure."

She didn't know how long it would take and he didn't seem very willing to talk to her, so she didn't ask, just looked around for a chair, since he hadn't offered her one either. There were only two stools in the room. He was using one of them and there was a big box of tools and parts on the other. It looked heavy and she considered using a biotic lift to take it off the stool, but Kaidan would probably yell at her and throw her out of there if she did. Sighing, she decided to give it a try with her own hands. Damn thing was heavy indeed and it didn't help that her right arm was still much weaker than the left one; the box ended up landing noisily on the floor.

Kaidan spared her a sideways glance and exhaled heavily, shaking his head before resuming his work.

"Bad shoulder," she said, giving him and apologetic crooked smile, which he ignored.

Her right shoulder was hurting with the exertion and she began massaging it with her left hand as she waited for him, sitting on the stool and trying not to make any noises. Going there had been a bad idea. They would never be friends and she would only get hurt if she kept trying, not only emotionally, but physically too, as it had just happened. The only reason she had picked up that stupid box instead of using her biotics had been to please him and now she was in pain and he didn't look pleased at all.

"Are you okay?" he asked after some time.

"Wonderful," she answered dryly, still caught up in her thoughts. "Uh… I mean… I'm sorry. That wasn't… I'm fine."

"Is that where you got…?"

"Yeah, but I'm okay, really. I shouldn't have picked up that box. I…"  _should have just stood here for who knows how long, because you wouldn't offer me a chair, you couldn't clear a stool for me, you get mad when I use my biotics_. Damn, that train of thought was only making her angry at him and that wasn't doing any good for her self-control.

"I guess it's not like we see in the movies," he said, gesturing to her shoulder.

"Getting shot? No, it's not."

He stared at her, clearly waiting for her to elaborate on her answer. As long as he didn't ask her any follow-up questions about her family and the attack on Mindoir, she could give him something on the specifics of her getting shot, just to satiate his curiosity and for the sake of them having something to talk about.

"The shock was too great, so at first I didn't feel any pain. When I looked down, saw the blood pouring… that was when it started hurting and it was like the wounds were on fire. I couldn't get up, not even sit down and couldn't move my arm at all."

"Wounds?"

"They… they shot me twice." Okay, talking about this wasn't as easy as she thought it would be. And to think that getting shot was one of the least traumatic things that had happened that horrible day... "One bullet went through my shoulder. The other was lodged here," she touched her ribcage, under her breast. "It wasn't just the pain. The tissue, nerve and muscle damage was extensive, especially on my shoulder. The Alliance doctors repaired what they could surgically, but the recovery process is slow. I don't think this arm will ever be as good as the other," she rolled her right shoulder as she spoke. God, they needed to change the subject right now.

"I should have told you that box was heavy. Uh…" he scratched the back of his neck. "Is there anything I can do?" he offered, gesturing towards her shoulder. He looked guilty and was making an effort to smile at her. Every time something reminded him of her recent past, he felt bad for treating her poorly because of her biotics and then tried to make up for it . It was an annoying behavior. She didn't want to guilty him into liking her.

"No, don't worry about it. I have a muscle rub at your parents'. When I get there, I'll –"

"There's a drugstore right around the corner," he interrupted her. "I could –"

"I'm fine," she insisted, her eyes pleading with him to just drop it.

Thankfully, he nodded and resumed his work. Not knowing any other subjects that might interest him, she decided it was best to just stay quiet and wait.

Her stomach growled and she blushed, hoping he hadn't heard. He was taking too long and she was getting hungry and impatient. Private Mitra had told her to always carry energy bars with her, but she hadn't anticipated Kaidan would make her wait all this time and hadn't brought any. "I should go. Maybe I'll come back another time, when you're less busy," she said.

"Your tool is ready. I was just downloading some apps and transferring those Battlestar Galactica vids I told you about and a few others I thought you might like." He went over to her and gave her a Buzz IV tool from Aldrin Labs.

She put it on. It was a model better than she expected and he had even gone into the trouble to download and install several programs for her. Maybe she had been reading him wrong. "T-Thank you," she said, her eyes on the holoscreen, scanning the folders with the programs, apps, vids, games, music and everything else he had put there for her.

"Yeah… Can I ask you a favor?"

Smiling, she looked up at him. "Sure. After this, even more than one."

He didn't look amused, though. "Could you please not use your biotics near Ma?"

"The commander said –"

"I know what he said."

She hadn't read him wrong, Lisa realized. It was infuriating how everything always came down to her use of biotics whenever he talked to her. Abruptly, she took off the tool and dropped it on his workbench. "Sorry to take so much of your time, but I think I'll get a simpler model somewhere else. Thanks anyway," she said, as politely as she could manage and stalked out of the room.

"Hey, wait! I didn't mean…" Kaidan went after her and was about to touch her shoulder to stop her when she flared.

The other guy who worked at the shop instantly jumped behind the counter as if he was being shot at. "Fuck, man! What was that?"

Kaidan pulled back, flinching. Feeling the messy waves of her biotics did nothing for his self- control and he let her go, like she knew he would.

When Lisa got back at the Alenkos and Barbra asked her about the tool, she just said Kaidan had been busy and she would get it some other day. She didn't know if the woman bought it, but thankfully she didn't ask her anything else.

Lucky her that everyone in her family was good with plants. She hadn't realized that was some sort of special talent until the neighbors started asking Mrs. Alenko who the girl with the green thumb was that was doing wonders for her roses. In no time Lisa was gardening for several houses on their street and making a few bucks.

After a couple of weeks she had enough to afford a Buzz I omni-tool and she got it from a store at the mall. Mrs. Alenko must have figured out something had gone wrong the day Lisa had met Kaidan at his workplace and she was trying her best, but without success, to get them together again. He had been visiting more often, but Lisa was sure it was just to make sure she was not practicing her biotic abilities near his mother or inside the house, so she would always come up with an excuse to lock herself up in her room while he was there. Lisa knew Mrs. Alenko wanted them to be friends and she hated to disappoint the woman who had given her a home, but she could not do what was expected of her. She had way too many issues of her own to help Kaidan with his silly ones. What did he have to complain anyway? He still had his family and his home and didn't even appreciate them.

* * *

October 28th, 2170

Kaidan knew he had handled poorly every single encounter he had had with Jane. If not for her biotic abilities, he was certain they could have been friends like his mom wanted them to be. They were so different, the two of them, and there were many things he would like to ask her about – how life in a colony was, if the orphanage had been as grim as they usually were in the movies, why on earth she wanted to join the army, how her shoulder was recovering, what it had been like at Arcturus Station, how she liked Vancouver, what it was like for her to live with his parents. There were other things that would be tactless to ask but that he was curious about too – details about the attack on Mindoir, how she had gotten the scar on her face, how she had managed to survive, how his father had found her. And, of course, there were the things he could ask, but wouldn't admit he wanted to – when she had found out she was a biotic, how her mother had been exposed to element zero, when and how it had been that her biotics had manifested for the first time, how the people in the colony had reacted to her powers, if she had ever used an amp, why she liked using her biotics so much…

Yet he couldn't get past his own hatred for the powers that took him away from his family, turned him into a murderer, scared away the girl he loved, ruined his relationship with his father and fucked up his life. And the irritating erratic waves of dark energy that emanated from Jane's body every now and then as if to test his own control were a constant reminder that she was a freak, just like him, and that she could kill as easily as he had.

Every time they had been around each other had been a disaster and he was pretty sure she had been avoiding him ever since that day at the shop. However, his mom's birthday was on October 23rd and Jane's was on the 26th so his mom had decided to celebrate them both together on Sunday, the 28th, with a barbecue in the backyard for the whole family. Barbra would be turning 50 and it would break her heart if he missed it. That meant he would have to spend the day around Jane and all he could do was hope that she would be in control enough not to make him lose his own.

Besides being around Jane and her wild biotics, he had other concerns about that birthday party. All his relatives would be there – uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents. They had stopped visiting his parents a long time ago and he hadn't seen anyone in years, though his mom had mentioned having them over for lunch or dinner several times while he was at Brain Camp. Surely it was not a coincidence that they had only visited his parents again after he had been taken to Jump Zero.

That was going to be a hell of a party. Or, the party from hell.

* * *

Lisa had made only one friend at school, Emily, who was also Lisa's only guest for her birthday barbecue. From the corner where they stood, trying not to get too much attention, Lisa watched as Kaidan unintentionally disbanded several chatty groups of people with nothing but his presence. They were afraid of him, she could tell. The minute he got too close, the others would make up some excuse to leave.

"So, who's the hottie?" Emily asked, with a nod towards Kaidan.

"Kaidan?" Lisa smiled. "Yeah, he's kinda cute, isn't he?"

"'Kinda cute'? He's gorgeous!"

"Want me to introduce you?"

"Sure! But don't worry, I won't hit on him. He's all yours, okay?"

"W-What? Why would you say that?"

"Jane, please, the instant he showed up here you didn't spare a single glance at anyone else, me included."

"I… uh… It's not like that," she said a little flustered. "It's just… remember how I told you the Alenkos' son was a biotic too? That's him. I was noticing how his relatives are avoiding him. I know what that's like."

"He should sit here with us then. We don't mind," Emily said, winking and nudging Lisa with her elbow.

Lisa shook her head. "We don't, but he does." Emily gave her a puzzled look, so she explained. "Well… because I'm a biotic."

"What? This makes no sense. You'd think he'd know better."

"He doesn't," Lisa sighed. "You should see how he reacts when I use my powers near him, even if it's just a flare, he flinches and glares at me as if I were some kind of threat and were deliberately trying to hurt him."

"That's awful! If I were you, I'd totally be glowing all blue right now, just to spite him."

"I'm sure you would," Lisa laughed. "I did it on purpose once, but in my defense he was being an ass. Mrs. Alenko wants us to be friends, but I don't think that's ever going to happen, since he wants me to stop using my powers and I won't."

"You know, something doesn't add up. His parents are okay with this biotic thing or they wouldn't have fostered you, right? So why isn't he?"

"Yeah… there's a reason for that. He was taken to this… sort of school on Gagarin Station, I think, to train his abilities. Something bad happened there, the programme was shut down and he hates anything biotic-related ever since."

"It must have been a really serious 'something'. I'll do some research and see if I can find out what it was."

"You just can't let anything pass, Emz."

"Of course not! I'm a journalist," Emily said, putting her hand on her chest proudly.

"You write the bottom half of page 4 of the school paper!"

"Hey! That's the best half!"

They chortled loudly, the noise catching Kaidan's attention. He spared a glance towards them, apparently thinking twice before finally deciding to go over to them. Lisa greeted him with a polite smile and introduced him to Emily. Then, with his hands behind his back, he wished Lisa a happy birthday. Instantly she figured out that weird posture of his was because he didn't want to touch her. Damn, that was annoying. Wondering how far he would take it, she held out her hand to him.

He hesitated, staring at her hand for an instant as if he didn't know how a handshake worked, but she didn't pull back. Emily looked from one to another expectantly. Another moment passed; it was getting awkward. Sucking in a deep breath, he shook her hand, gritting his teeth as he took in the shock he always felt when they touched and the turbulent dark energy in her interacted with his.

The handshake was as quick as it could be, but Lisa noticed Kaidan had still tensed up, certainly worried that their contact might trigger an involuntary flare. For her, that feeling was great. It was like her biotics were fighting his, both trying to fit in where there was barely enough room for one and since none would recede they would end up bursting, the surge of energy uncontrollable. God, it felt awesome. Private Mitra was the only other biotic she knew and she had never had a sensation like that around him. Yes, Kaidan was stubborn and frustrating and he didn't like her, but even when she was annoyed or angry at him, there was no denying she enjoyed the tantalizing way their biotics interacted.

And so she pulled him into a hug. It wasn't impulsive as it looked; she wanted more of that feeling and she would never admit it out loud, but a tiny part of her enjoyed irritating him. Her arms brushed his, her forehead touched his jaw and, as she tightened the embrace, her fingers grazed the nape of his neck, over his headjack, where an amp would be if he used one.

As a reflex, he began raising his arms to return the hug, but stopped himself before he could close them around her. Still, there had never been so much of her bare skin in contact with his and blue light sparkled in every spot where they touched each other.

The surge of dark energy inside her was so sudden and so powerful, it caused her to shudder from head to toe. She didn't even try to control it. She didn't want to and even if she did, she knew she would fail. Her shudder made him instinctively close his arms around her and he gasped as that action led to his own control slipping. The scent of eezo filled the air as their biotic fields clashed violently, warring until they burst in a flare so wide and bright no one could stand to watch it.

As they let go of each other, Lisa had a smile on her face, but it died down at the sight of his embarrassed, mortified expression. He put some distance between them and opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out and he just turned on his heels and left, practically running out of the house.

"Wow, Jane! That was amazing!" Emily exclaimed, looking at her friend with wide eyes.

"Yeah, it felt amazing too. It's a shame he'll never come near me again," Lisa replied with a sad smile, noticing how everything around her – cups, plates, chairs and even a table – had been displaced.

After that little show, the barbecue was over in the blink of an eye with all relatives and friends of the Alenkos making up reasons to leave as quickly as possible.

"It seems like I've ruined the party," Lisa pointed out, gesturing towards the rapidly fleeing guests.

"Yeah, they're not even going to wait for the cake, are they? But, Jane, don't feel bad. Kaidan helped," Emily said brightly.

Lisa smiled. Letting her biotics flow freely and interact with his like that had felt so good she did not regret it, but she did tell the Alenkos she was sorry for having ruined their party. However, the Commander just shrugged and said that had not been the first time an involuntary biotic discharge had ended a party at his house, while Mrs. Alenko said the party had lasted long enough and asked for help cleaning up the house.

Emily was the only guest left and Lisa accompanied her to the door, so the cleaning could start. "Thank you," Lisa told her friend.

"For what? I didn't even get you a present. But, in my defense, this was a bit of a short notice."

"It's not that. Thank you for thinking I could land a cute guy like Kaidan."

"You  _can_. With the right make-up…"

"You mean a plastic surgery. Make-up won't cover this scar."

"Forget the scar. Your eyes are your strongest feature."

Lisa, her eyebrows furrowed, shot Emily a questioning look.

"You have these beautiful long dark eyelashes," the girl explained. "With a good eyeliner and mascara, no one will be looking at your scar when they talk to you. You might as well stop covering it with hair."

"I don't think that's going to happen."

Emily rolled her eyes. "Let's go to the mall this week. I'll get you a nice make-up kit and I'll show you how to use it. It will be my birthday gift to you. And we'll do something about your eyebrows too. They're a bit too thick; we need to give them a more delicate shape. "

"Oh?" Lisa touched her eyebrows self-consciously. "Uh… okay, then."

* * *

Kaidan still hadn't managed to completely calm down by the time he got home. That barbecue had been a disaster. Jane was an irresponsible, reckless biotic kid, playing with her powers as if they were no big deal and with no concern for the people around her.

Exhaling heavily, he slouched on the couch. The picture frame on the stand by its side flicked to life and he grabbed it. It was showing an image of Rahna and him in which he was grinning like an idiot, because he had just asked her to be his girlfriend and she had said yes. The beautiful, sweet and innocent Rahna, the one he had thought was the love of his life and now wouldn't answer his calls or reply to his messages; she was so scared of him.

Every time Jane's crazy biotics interacted with his, he tried to think of how Rahna's felt, though he could never remember it right. It was impossible to focus on anything when Jane's untamed dark energy was causing a fucking revolution inside him. Her rampant biotics inciting and inflaming his, it was maddening and so damn… exciting! Hell, it was amazing how it made him feel, raising goose bumps on his skin and making all the hairs in his body stand on end. It was so thrilling he just wanted to forget about everything else and let his own biotics flow, unleash powerful mass effect fields and show everyone what he was capable of.

Another image appeared on the picture frame and it caught his attention. Rahna's perfectly fair and smooth skin was lighted up by a faint blue glow. Without Jane anywhere near him, he could finally remember the feeling of his ex-girlfriend biotics, always soothing and delicate as she was, always so… so dull. He almost couldn't believe that thought. Until not long ago he was sure he would never get over Rahna, he would never love again, he would never find someone so perfect for him like she had been. Now, days would go by without him thinking of her once and when he did the memories of the two of them together seemed so distant...

He dropped the frame and went into his room to search the bottom drawer of his wardrobe for something he hadn't touched for a year. Taking the small hard plastic case in his hands, he sucked a deep breath before opening it. Lightly, he ran his thumb over its content — his bio-amp, a model that still wasn't outdated. The teachers at Brain Camp thought he had potential, so every year his amp had been replaced with a new one. Usually a better one than what most of the kids there would get.

It was surprising they didn't take it away from him after what had happened to Vyrnnus, but he guessed everyone was so worried about covering that mess up and making it go away as fast as possible, that no one really thought about that detail.  _They simply let the murderer and his weapon go_ , he thought grimly.

And, even so, all he wanted to do right now was to put the damn thing back on. He shouldn't do it alone though. His body was not used to it anymore and it was hard to tell how his biotics would react, especially with him being an L2. It always took some time for his implants to adjust to an amp, no matter the model, and since he had just managed to regain full control, it was best not to try it right now.

Perhaps he should invite Jane over and ask her to help him with that. She was powerful, she could probably contain him if something went wrong and her "technique" to calm him down, lifting him upside-down, was… well, it worked. But on the other hand, she had caused his control to slip many times with the way her unstable dark energy provoked and stimulated his.

Kaidan closed his fingers around the plastic case, trying to decide what to do. Deep down he knew his mother was right and it was past time he gave Jane a chance. He had even kept the Buzz IV omni-tool he had gotten for her. It didn't feel right selling it to somebody else, since he had spent so much time setting it up for her, choosing apps, vids and games he thought she would like. It was hers and he felt bad for having acted the way he had when he'd given it to her. No wonder she had rejected it; he understood her. Maybe he should start by making that right if he was going to give it a try at being friends with her.


	6. Amends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buzz omni-tool, Duty bio-amp and other equipment you saw and will see here are completely made up and do not exist in the game (though the companies that supposedly made them all exist in the game and the names I'm choosing for them make some sense according to the way each company named the rest of their stuff). Since this story begins thirteen years before the first ME, I thought it wouldn't be right if their equipment were the same.

11/05/2170

The paint on the walls was a different color, the pillows were too soft, the family sleeping in the next room wasn't hers. It was all wrong.

It wasn't that Lisa didn't like living with the Alenkos. She did. They had been nothing but good to her. It was just that everything reminded her of Mindoir. Every damn thing. And it didn't happen only at the Alenkos. At school, out on the street, in a fucking supermarket… Memories of her old life on Mindoir would come to her everywhere. All the time.

By now, she had learned to live through the memories without breaking down, always keeping a straight face and carrying on with whatever she was doing. It was the nightmares that killed her. During a nightmare, she couldn't compartmentalize the pain; there was no holding back her emotions. It was exhausting to say the least. She always woke up a nervous wreck, sweaty and shaky, in tears and with her biotics on fire.

That was how Lisa had awakened today. To make things worse, her right shoulder had hurt all day and she hadn't been able to concentrate and study for the exam she would have at school the next morning. So, when Mrs. Alenko knocked on her door and insisted she'd come out to see Kaidan, she felt like pulling her hair out. His father had left for Arcturus only minutes ago, and Kaidan had appeared there as if on cue. No doubt he had come there to scold her because of what had happened at her birthday party, and she was not in the mood to take any shit from him. Her day was already crappy enough as it was; she didn't need him to add to it.

However, not to upset Mrs. Alenko, she dragged herself out of her room. She felt the tingling of dark energy starting to amass and stir inside her; maybe because she was irritated and impatient, maybe because there was another biotic in the next room. If he pissed her off, she could always use a flare to scare him away, so she didn't bother focusing to keep it in check.

Mrs. Alenko left them alone to talk in the kitchen. As she sat across from him at the table, Lisa noticed he only shuddered at her proximity instead of his usual flinching and wincing and gritted teeth. Was he trying to be polite, reining in his aversion towards her? Then, to her utter surprise, he gave her the Buzz IV omni-tool he had set up for her a few months ago. "I want you to have this."

She hesitated. "I'm not going to st–"

"I don't want you to."

Lisa studied his face, trying to figure out why he was doing that, what had changed, but she couldn't tell. There was a flicker of anxiety in his eyes, but nothing else. Giving up, she thanked him and powered on her Buzz I and the Buzz IV, setting up a link to transfer her files from the old tool to the new one.

As she switched the tools on her left arm, she hissed and rolled her right shoulder. It was hurting with her every move. Probably it had something to do with the weather; the doctors had mentioned she might experience more pain in the cold. Although Mrs. Alenko had told her that, thanks to global warming, it hadn't snowed in Vancouver for at least sixty years, they still had low temperatures beginning towards the end of fall and during winter.

When the Buzz IV tool was properly adjusted on her arm, she looked up at Kaidan again and caught him staring at the scar on her shoulder. Ever since she had gotten shot, she only wore sleeveless shirts when alone in her room. Except for today, when she had been angry and upset, and hadn't bothered changing out of her tank top. So, it was the first time he was actually seeing  _that_ scar. It was a weird one, sunken down into her shoulder; the tissue puffed and discolored where the entry wound had been.

Embarrassed, he immediately looked away and then a thought hit her and she couldn't stop the sparks of dark energy that crept on her fingers. "You're not giving me this out of pity, are you?"

"No," he quickly answered. "Of course not. I just… it's just…"

She was surprised to see him just letting it happen when the faint blue light started to envelop him. If she didn't know him any better, she'd say he looked almost pleased.

The biotic sparks on her fingers evolved to a full-body flare when he flared. Their mass effect fields clashed violently, making every object in the kitchen shift, until they found balance with each other and finally mingled, making them both gasp.

It was a wonderful feeling and for the first time he smiled at her. Forget cute. Emily was right – he was gorgeous.

"Jane, uh…" He rubbed the back of his neck, a little embarrassed. "I need your help with something. There's no one else I can ask."

She raised her eyebrows. This ought to be interesting.

* * *

11/09/2170

Lisa felt like an idiot standing in front of Kaidan's apartment building waiting for her watch to hit 5:40 pm. He had asked her to meet him there at 5:30 pm, but Emily had insisted that she shouldn't arrive exactly on time for some stupid reason Lisa couldn't even remember right now. This was not a date, no matter how much her friend wanted to believe it was. She was just going to assist Kaidan while he put on his bio-amp and, since he didn't want his parents to know, he had asked her to come over instead of going to his mom's. Surely, if he knew any other biotic in Vancouver, he wouldn't have called her there. Plus, he was way out of her league.

Yet, Lisa had let Emily pluck her eyebrows and she had put on some light make-up, as her friend had told her to. As if her eyes were ever going to be pretty enough to draw attention from the scar on her cheek…

At exactly 5:40 pm, Lisa buzzed in and he let her in. He shook her hand, but this time he didn't let go as if she had burned him. The contact made his breath catch in his throat and… he smiled again! She hoped it would become a habit. It was much better than the old flinching and wincing.

His place was small, clean, and organized. He took her coat, but then he didn't even tell her to sit down and went straight to retrieve his amp. It was not a date.

She sat on the couch to wait for him and, when he returned, she was looking at this image of him and a beautiful blonde girl on his picture frame.

"Girlfriend?"

"Uh… ex-girlfriend. I should have changed these pictures a long time ago…"

But he hadn't. Clearly, not a date.

Sitting by her side on the couch, he carefully opened a small plastic case and detached his amp, a Duty II made by Sirta Foundation. He told her how to put it in and turned his back to her. She scooted closer to him and knelt on the couch behind him so her legs wouldn't touch his. Not that she would mind, but he probably would.

His hair was a little too long, partially covering his headjack. As she moved it out of the way, she noticed the skin there was ragged and blemished with old burn marks. "Are you sure this is safe?" she asked, lightly running her fingers over the small scars there so he would know what she was talking about. Goose bumps raised on his skin, so she pulled her hand back, thinking that her biotics might be bothering him.

"This amp, yes. The ones Conatix developed and tested on us, not so much," he said with a bitter laugh.

"I didn't know Conatix made amps."

"They don't. But they made several attempts before shutting down their amp development division."

"I'm sorry." What a nightmare it must have been for those kids over at Jump Zero at the mercy of some greedy unscrupulous company...

"It's okay."

They were quiet for a second and then she put a hand on his shoulder. "Are you ready?"

"Yeah… listen, if I can't control it, I need you to…"

"Lift you upside-down?"

He looked over his shoulder and smiled at her. "I'd say take it out, but that works too."

As she slid the amp in, his whole body tensed, and a strangled groan escaped his throat. She noticed the muscles on his neck, arms, and back flexing, and there was a powerful discharge of dark energy that caused her to jump back and avert her eyes. Thankfully, when she looked at him again, he was already in control and there was only a perfectly even and stable light blue corona around him.

The same couldn't be said about her, though. Incited by his powerful surge of energy, her biotics fired up messily, knocking over the stand by the couch.

With an incredibly fast and efficient movement, he used a biotic lift on her. It took her by surprise, and she let out a girlish squeak. Lisa had used lift, pull and throw thousands of times on many targets while practicing and on her friends at the orphanage, but she had never had them used on her. It felt amazing and she chuckled wholeheartedly, like she hadn't done in a long time.

That "technique" was effective indeed and, seconds later, her wild biotics had settled down and he had a cheeky grin on his face as he lowered her softly to the couch. His content look quickly turned into a frown though, when he noticed his picture frame was broken on the floor.

"Shit! Kaidan, I'm sorry," Lisa hastily apologized, realizing what she had inadvertently done.

"It's fine. It's… no big deal." But the gloominess that took over him as he knelt down to gather the pieces of broken glass said otherwise.

"I'll buy you a new one," she offered. Why was he so sad? The image files surely could be retrieved and pictures frames like that were pretty common and cheap.

"There's no need, Jane. It's fine, really."

It didn't seem like it was though, and it got too uncomfortable for her to stay there. "I better go. I'll see you later."

"Yeah," he said simply.

Lisa let herself out and went home upset, still not quite understanding what had just happened. Tiptoeing around him and all his stupid issues and insecurities was exhausting.

* * *

As he threw the remains of the frame in the garbage can, not bothering to download the images of his ex-girlfriend to his tool first, Kaidan mused bitterly over the irony of that incident. Biotics were inherently destructive, and it seemed some things were always meant to be broken by it.

* * *

12/02/2170

Mrs. Alenko had to make a last-minute trip to Singapore, where she would meet her husband and attend his grandmother's funeral and last will reading. She would be away for at least a week, so she had asked Kaidan to go check in on Jane every now and then so the girl wouldn't be alone all the time.

When he got there that evening, Jane was on the couch watching TV. Her hair was damp, she was barefoot, and wearing shorts and his old Star Wars t-shirt. She clearly wasn't expecting anyone to show up there.

"Why are you wearing my shirt?" he asked her.

"This? I sleep in it. It's comfortable."

"It's mine." His retort sounded harsher than he'd intended. He didn't care for that stupid t-shirt; he'd just found it odd that she was wearing it.

"If you wanted it, why did you leave it here when you moved out?"

"I don't want it. I thought Mom would throw it away when I left it. This movie sucked anyway."

She rolled her eyes. "Let me guess—there's a much older version that is the real deal and a thousand times better than this holo-trash."

"Well, yeah."

"So, you really don't want this shirt back; you're just bugging me about it for no reason whatsoever!" God, he was so frustrating!

"Look, I didn't mean it, okay? You can keep it."

"Now I don't want it anymore." She hastily took it off and threw it on him with a little more force than necessary. "And send the old version of this movie to my tool. I want to watch it," she said as she went into his—no,  _her_ room—wearing only shorts and a white bra, and locked the door behind her.

He had gotten only a quick glance at her as she had turned around and walked away, but it had been enough for him to notice that her toe nails were painted red, her legs were toned and lean. She had a taut stomach, and yet another nasty scar right under her left breast, but her breasts were beautiful, round and small and perfect.

Fuck! What was he doing checking out a crazy biotic underage kid like that? His… foster sister or something. Was that really a thing? Foster sister? Hell, he needed a girlfriend ASAP. A normal one.

* * *

12/04/2170

It was Kaidan's birthday. Lisa knew it was, because Mrs. Alenko had mentioned it several times. Since his mom wouldn't be back in Vancouver until the end of the week, Lisa had thought he would never show up there on his birthday. Yet, after work, there he was.

Didn't he have any friends? Not that Lisa was complaining, of course; just wondering. This was the most she'd seen of him since she had been to his apartment and broken his picture frame.

At least she had the chance to give him a gift, like Emily had insisted she should do. Her friend was right. Despite everything that had gone by between them, in the end, he had given her that expensive omni-tool for free and it would be nice of her to return his kindness. But, in her own way, of course.

Their whole debacle over his Star Wars t-shirt had given her a good idea for a gift, and now he was holding the small oblong package in his hands and frowning. "You didn't have to get me another picture frame. I told you that, didn't I?"

"You did, and I didn't."

The package really seemed like it could have a picture frame inside. It had the same shape, and it wasn't too thick or too heavy.

Kaidan didn't look happy to open it and find out it was the hardcover edition of Childhood's End that his father had given to him a couple of years ago.

"I finished it already and thought you might want it back," she said.

"I don't. That's why I left it here."

"Well, you should take it with you. If it means nothing to you anymore, sell it on the extranet. I bet you can find a very good price for it."

He ran his fingers over the cover and then opened it to re-read the dedication his father had left him inside. "Fine," he shrugged. "Thanks, I guess."

Although he was acting aloof, as if he didn't care for the book, she noticed he had gingerly placed it next to his keys on the stand by the front door. She was sure he wouldn't sell it.

"If you had told me you were coming, I'd have baked you a cake," she said.

He shot her an incredulous look. "You bake?"

"Sure. I lived on a farm until… uh… you know. There wasn't much to do there." A _nother subject, fast!_ her mind practically screamed at her. "I was going to make spaghetti for dinner. You want some?"

"Ah, yeah. Sure."

They went into the kitchen together and she thought he would just sit down and wait. Instead, he hovered over her the entire time, watching her every move and giving his unsolicited opinion on everything—the ingredients she was putting in the sauce, the quantities, the cooking time. He obviously didn't trust that she knew what she was doing, and she made a point of refusing every piece of unwanted advice from him, just so she could prove him wrong. When he took his first bite, she was staring intently at him so she wouldn't miss his reaction and, though he tried, he did a poor job of disguising his delight, barely holding back a moan of approval.

Lisa smirked and shook her head. The guy was a biotic, for crying out loud; she knew what that was like. Her cooking was not bad, but even if she had served him plain white bread he would have feasted upon it as if it were a juicy piece of steak. That was just the way human biotics were with food.

"Are you comfortable around me?" she asked, breaking the silence while they ate. "I mean, my biotics are not disturbing you anymore?"

"You… hmm… you feel very different. Unlike any other biotics I've known. But I'm getting used to it. To you."

She gave him a crooked smile. "You feel different, too. Compared to Private Mitra, I mean. I don't know any other biotics."

"Hendel Mitra?"

"Yeah. They assigned him to train me while I was at Arcturus. He told me the commander's son was a biotic, too, and that he had met you at Brain Camp, but I didn't know you back then."

Kaidan suddenly looked apprehensive. "Did he tell you what happened there?"

"No. I know it was something bad. Your mom told me you came back different from there."

"Let's just drop it," he said at the same time she asked, "What happened?" It must have been something really serious, because not even her friend Emily with her investigative reporter tendencies could find out a thing about it.

"It was so fucked up. I don't want to talk about it," he said.

"Come on. It can't be worse than what happened to me."

"I didn't know it was a competition. And you never talk about what happened to you."

"But, you know, don't you? It was all over the news. While I don't know anything about your thing. It's not fair."

"Okay, if you really want to know, I killed someone," he spoke sharply.

She was unimpressed. "Bullshit. If you're just trying to scare me, it won't work."

It didn't seem like he was even listening to her anymore though. Dragging his hands over his face, he exhaled heavily and muttered, "God, I need a drink."

Lisa leaned back on her chair and crossed her arms over her chest. "I know where your father stashes his liquor."

Now he was listening.

* * *

12/05/2170

Lisa Mae woke up with a start. There was too much light in the room and she blinked a few times until her eyes grew accustomed to the brightness. She instantly jumped to her feet, knocking an empty bottle of whisky on the floor, when she realized that she had slept snuggled on the couch with Kaidan. Her skin was still warm and tingling from being close to him and his biotics for so long. Ha! She had to tell Emily about this; her friend was going to have a field day.

And that reminded her… Shit! She was late for school!

* * *

It took Kaidan a few moments to realize where he was and what was going on. The first thing he saw was a frantic Jane running around, getting ready for school.

"I'm taking your car. Is it okay if I take your car?" She was trying to put on her shoes as she walked. It wasn't working.

He stretched out his arms and yawned. "Why don't you take Mom's?"

Jane made a face. "Yeah, about that... She might have made me promise that I wouldn't take her car while she was traveling. And I usually walk to school, you know, because it's not that far and I always wake up early."

"Just not today," he pointed out.

"Not today," she repeated under her breath as she grabbed a bunch of snacks in the kitchen so she could eat on her way to school.

"I'll drive you," he offered. "Just give me a minute."

Kaidan went into to the bathroom to freshen up and straighten himself up as quickly as he could and then met her outside. It was not that he didn't trust her with his car, it was just that… well, he had a feeling that he  _shouldn't_ trust her with his car.

As she settled on the passenger seat, she handed him an apple. "For us biotics, skipping breakfast is not very wise."

He smiled and took the apple.

"Why don't I have a hangover?" she asked.

"Was this the first time you got drunk?"

"Yeah."

Damn, what had he done? She was just a kid; he shouldn't have agreed to that. "Well, it's different with biotics. We just sort of power through it. As long as you keep yourself fed and hydrated you should be fine."

"Oh? That is good to know."

He could only hope she wouldn't take that as encouragement to keep drinking.

When he pulled over in front of her school, she thanked him and kissed him on the cheek before getting out of his car. It was just a quick peck, but it was enough to disturb his biotics. That was odd. They had just spent the night sort of together; his biotics should have been used to hers by now and not getting all riled up with such a small contact.

Already outside the car, she bent over to look at him through the passenger's window. "By the way, did we… hm... make out or something?"

"No. Of course not. God! I'd never… No!"

Blushing, she turned around and walked away from him as fast as she could. She looked disappointed and embarrassed. Had he offended her? Maybe he had been too vehement with his denial, but she couldn't possibly be thinking he would try something when she was drunk, even if he was drunk, too. Or, that he would be interested in her  _that_  way. Because he was not. She was just too crazy. And weird. And not right for him.


	7. Barriers

12/05/2170

"… and he looked horrified by the idea that we might have made out," Jane finished her account of her last encounter with Kaidan.

"Maybe he thought you were asking if you'd had sex," Emily offered.

"I didn't have to ask that! I was sure we didn't. And honestly, Emz, that doesn't make it any better. No matter what he thought I was asking, he seemed disgusted to even consider it."

Emily hated to see her friend miserable like that. Since she had tried so hard to convince Jane that she had a chance with Kaidan, she couldn't help but feel a little guilty about the way it had all played out.

Jane deserved some happiness; she was such a mess. If only Emily could set her up with someone else, but the boys at their school were out of the question. They always made fun of her and, foolishly, not always behind her back. If they kept pushing her like that, Emily didn't put it past Jane to snap and go all Stephen King's Carrie on their asses.

Maybe it would be best if Emily waited a few more days before breaking the news to Jane that she had a new boyfriend…

* * *

12/12/2170

Lisa hadn't seen Kaidan since he had driven her to school the morning after his birthday. But, she figured he would show up there soon, since Mrs. Alenko had called and said she would be back tomorrow from Singapore. Lisa didn't know why she had been thinking about him so much, why she even cared. The guy clearly wasn't interested in her. It was just that she had been feeling even lonelier than ever since Emily had gotten a boyfriend, combined with the fact that the Alenkos were away and that she didn't have any other friends… she just wanted someone to talk to and spend some time with.

In moments like this, she really missed Jarell. The orphanage had already kicked him out by now and she hoped he was doing fine by himself.

Lisa was all sweaty, in the middle of a workout session in the room Commander Alenko had repurposed into a gym, and completely caught up in her thoughts when Kaidan came in, startling her and making her flare up instinctively.

"Hey, relax. It's me. Who did you think it was?" he asked.

"I don't know. Not you, since you haven't come here in days."

"Yeah, sorry about that." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Mom told me to check on you every other day, but I, uh… was busy, so if you could please not tell her I didn't come…"

Suddenly, she felt an irresistible urge to start training with the punching bag. "I won't. And you didn't have to come here just for that. You could have called."

He seemed to have something else on his mind though, and just ignored her reply. "Why did you flare when I came in instead of throwing up a barrier?"

"You startled me, but I didn't think I was in any danger, so…"

He opened his mouth to say something, but she had a feeling she knew what it would be about and beat him to it. "I don't know how to throw up a barrier. Private Mitra never taught me."

"Are you serious? It should've been your first lesson."

"The guy was eighteen, Kaidan. He wasn't exactly qualified to teach. He only got the job because there were no other biotics on the station. What did you expect?"

They were quiet for a while until she lost her patience. "Are you going to teach me or what?"

He hesitated and she rolled her eyes. It was obvious that he was coming around on all his issues against biotics, but he was stubborn and wouldn't admit it. As an incentive, she used a biotic throw on her sweaty gym towel, launching it towards him. He looked positively disgusted by it but, as she had predicted, the residual dark energy on the towel made him instantly flare as he got hit. Good thing he sucked at pretending he didn't enjoy it when she teased his dark energy into flames.

"Teach me. I know you want to."

For a while longer, he resisted and, to humor him, she kept insisting—instead of calling him on his feigned reluctance—until he finally agreed.

* * *

"You don't need any movements or gestures to create a barrier. It's similar to a flare, but you have to make it steadier and stronger, so you have to focus. Let's try it like this: Close your eyes."

Jane straightened herself up, squared her shoulders, took a deep breath and did as he said.

"Let dark energy pool inside you. When you feel it's strong enough, let it out."

Only seconds later, she flared. It was chaotic and rampant as usual, and Kaidan had to concentrate not to flare, too.

"Now, focus on your body; your limbs, fingers, toes, every part of you. You have to mold your mass effect field around you and keep it that way. Don't let the energy flow freely, do not waste it. Try to control it, to hold it all around you."

It was taking more time than he'd thought it would. By the way her hands clenched into fists and sweat broke on her forehead, he could tell she was struggling with the urge to make a move and discharge all that energy, turn it into a pull or a throw. She wanted to use it, not hold it back.

Maybe he wasn't explaining it right. He didn't have to learn how to throw up a barrier, he just knew it. He'd been able to do it since he was a kid. The instructions he gave Jane were the same he had heard repeated several times to the other biotics at Brain Camp, but he had never needed to follow them.

"Stop. Open your eyes."

Her tight tank top and shorts allowed him to see her muscles relaxing as she complied. Her body was beautiful, toned and slim. He knew she worked out a lot in the gym and jogged on the beach. That was his father's doing—he was grooming her to be a marine.  _The career Dad wanted for me, but I refused, so he replaced me with this girl._

His bitter thought must have showed on his face, because Jane asked if there was something wrong. Kaidan was not unreasonable. He knew it was not her fault. His mother was right—he had to be nice to Jane. She was family. Sort of. "Let's try it again."

There was no improvement on her second try. That technique might have worked for the kids at Brain Camp, but it seemed it was no good for someone like her, whose biotics were wild and powerful and above average. Perhaps, if she felt him doing it, she would understand how it worked and would be able to do the same…

He told her his idea, but did not move, unsure of how to carry it out. In theory, it was possible to expand a barrier enough to envelop other people. Kaidan had never done it and had never seen anyone do it either. Most probably, it was extremely draining, thus not recommended. He wasn't going to try it now, without enough information on the matter and without his amp. It seemed there was only one other way to follow through with his idea then.

While he was over thinking the issue, Jane had already reached her own conclusions and taken charge. She turned around, pressed her back against his chest, and drew his arms around her. "All right. Do it."

It was much more contact than he expected and his breath caught in his throat. Her closeness provoked a sudden spike in his biotics and, thankfully, he was skilled enough to channel most of that energy into a barrier.

His barrier had never been this strong, almost purple instead of the usual light blue, and it did something to Jane. She gasped and shuddered in his arms and, for some reason, he was pleased to see that he could affect her like she affected him. When she drew her next breath, a barrier was formed around her. Her barrier. His idea had worked.

He immediately missed her as she slipped out of his embrace and turned to face him. Surely it was just because she was warm and the room was colder than usual. Her smell—of eezo, sweat, and a hint of lemon that was probably from her shampoo—lingered and he decided it wasn't as bad as he had thought it would be when she had thrown her towel at him.

Her barrier was still glowing around her and he met her crooked smile with a proud one. Not that she could give any other kind of smile, but he liked crooked. And the dimple on her left cheek, had it always been there? He had never noticed it before. It was really cute.

_Okay, enough of this_. Kaidan tried to shake those weird thoughts about her out of his head. If he hadn't been alone for so long, he wouldn't be getting all worked up around this girl. It was most probably just an effect of her crazy biotics interacting with his anyway. He should get himself back out there, go on dates, get a girlfriend and he would be fine.

For good measure, he put some more distance between them. "So, do you think you got it?" She nodded. "Good. Try it again, by yourself now."

* * *

12/31/2170

Kaidan invited Lisa to spend New Year's Eve on the beach with him and some friends. There were going to be fireworks at midnight on the English Bay, but they wouldn't be watching it from one of the hottest and most popular downtown beaches. Instead, they were going to the Ambleside Beach, on the north shore. It was a quieter place, visited mostly by couples. Emily was sure that, this time, it was a date. Lisa was sure it wasn't.

The day he had taught her how to throw up a barrier had been… interesting. She was glad she hadn't learnt it before. Kaidan's teaching "technique" had been much quicker and more effective than Mitra's. She wondered if his adorable flush afterwards was just a figment of her imagination. It probably was, since he had kept his distance from her the next couple of times they'd met, including during the tense and awkward Christmas dinner at his parents'. So, no, tonight was not a date.

It was a good thing that she had kept repeating that to herself and hadn't let Emily's enthusiasm rub off on her because, when she met Kaidan that evening, her disappointment wasn't too great. The "friends" he had told her would be there were actually a beautiful blonde girl that was all over him, and a fairly good-looking guy whose name and occupation Lisa hadn't bothered committing to memory since he had shot her one look, his eyes had drifted to her scarred cheek, and then he had said that something had come up and that he had to leave.

Kaidan and his date bought the guy's excuse right away, clueless about the real reason he had left (or just not caring enough to give it a second thought). Lisa wasn't surprised. The blonde woman was practically latched on to Kaidan and hadn't spared a single glance in Lisa's direction, so she most probably hadn't even noticed the scar. And Kaidan was too distracted by that damned woman attached to his neck.

Blowing out an annoyed breath, Lisa put some distance between them so she would be less of a third wheel, and sat down on the sand to wait for the fireworks. She looked around her and all she saw were couples making out. Maybe she should go back to the Alenkos and watch the fireworks alone from their balcony or just go to bed early and wake up next year.

A loud laugh startled her. It had come from Kaidan's date. He wasn't that funny. That girl was trying too hard.

A few seconds later, another ear-splitting laugh. Lisa was starting to get irritated and she checked her omni-tool for the time. Exactly seven minutes had gone by since she had arrived on the beach, but it felt like a lifetime already. There was no way she was going to stay there until midnight.

Kaidan opened two beers from a six-pack he had brought with him and handed one to his date. Lisa knew she was not allowed to drink at age seventeen but, nevertheless, it annoyed her that they didn't offer her any. She shot them a nasty sideways glance and his eyes met hers briefly before turning back to his girlfriend. He said something that Lisa couldn't quite catch, and the obnoxious woman burst into clearly forced laughter for the third time in less than fifteen minutes.

The aggravating noise made Lisa cringe and she decided she had had enough. Staring at Kaidan with a challenging look on her face, she let wisps of dark energy flow from her fingers.

He glared at her, causing his date to turn around to see what was going on, but Lisa ended the wisps just in time for the woman to miss them.  _So, he didn't tell her he's a biotic? That's interesting. I wonder what excuse he made up for the creepy headjack…_

Lisa let energy erupt from her hands two more times, each time increasing the strength of her discharge and having fun as she watched Kaidan get all nervous and fidgety, certainly worried that his date might see what she was doing or, even worse, that his control might slip and he would flare in front of her.

The blonde remained unaware though, and reached blindly for a second a beer, her eyes focused on Kaidan's handsome face. Lisa took the chance to use a biotic pull and get for herself the bottle the woman's wandering hand was about to touch.

Popping it open, Lisa took a swig and met Kaidan's angry stare with a petulant one.

This time, his date noticed something was amiss and looked from one to the other, asking him what was going on. He hastily said it was nothing, gave her a beer and put an arm around her, pulling her closer to him.

Lisa scoffed and rolled her eyes. She should have left a long time ago. The only problem was that, since the Alenkos had gone out to a party and Emily was with her own family, if Lisa left, she would be utterly and completely alone. Being alone wasn't the issue per se; she was used to spending a lot of time on her own by now. The real problem was the time of the year. Lisa hadn't anticipated that the holidays would make her hurt as much as the day after the attack on Mindoir. It was as if her wounds were all fresh and open again, but not the physical ones. The pain wouldn't be nearly as great if it were physical wounds that were making her bleed.

Seeing all those happy families on the streets, on TV, on all the commercials; everyone grinning, shopping, stuffing themselves, and having fun when hers was gone; it was so unfair. She still felt guilty. She still spent way too much time torturing herself with what-ifs. If she'd known how to use her biotics to fight for them, or at least if she had learned how to control her flares, or if she hadn't gone to hide with them in the pantry, if, if, if… There was no end to those thoughts. When they started coming, they would trap her for hours.

The day Mrs. Alenko had asked her help to set up the Christmas tree, about a month ago, Lisa had made up an excuse and left the house to hang out alone on the beach for a good few hours until it had seemed safe to presume the tree would be all set up and decorated. That day, it had hit her that her family wasn't going to be around for Christmas, New Year's Eve, or any other celebration, and that all their habits and traditions were gone with them. The Christmas tree, for instance, her family would usually set it up only a week before Christmas, because her father had always wanted to be the one to choose the tree and then cut it down by himself. But, then he would procrastinate forever because he was too busy with the farm, and choosing the perfect tree took a lot of time, and then her mother would pester him a thousand times a day for not having a tree yet. Lisa used to find that so annoying, but now she missed it and it hurt.

That was why she was putting up with being a third wheel for Kaidan and what's-her-name. If she were to be alone right now, Lisa feared she might suffocate on her grief, since she was missing so badly even the silly things her family used to do during the holidays. She needed a distraction and disturbing those two lovebirds was as good as any.

When Kaidan reached for the second to last beer, Lisa waved her arm at the same time, releasing a biotic pull to take the bottle away from him. It was bit sudden, and the pull came out messy; the mass effect field generated was considerably larger and stronger than needed. There was no way for the blonde woman to miss it this time and, as she screamed, Kaidan flared, which did not help at all. His date looked terrified as she scrambled to her feet and ran away from them, already yelling for a taxi.

Kaidan strode purposefully towards Lisa, his eyes narrowed to slits and his nostrils flaring. "Why would you do that?"

She lost focus on the pull and the bottle fell to the ground. "Why are you even talking to me? Go after her."

He threw his hands up in the air in exasperation and shook his head. "Didn't you see how scared she looked? Do you think she'll still want to talk to me after this?"

"Why not? I would." Lisa shrugged and used her best nonchalant tone just to annoy him more.

It worked a bit too well and he pointed an angry finger at her. " _You_  don't count, because you're a freak, too."

Until that moment, she had managed to keep her cool. She had provoked him, yes, but his retort was a lot harsher than she was willing to take and she lost it completely. Her whole body lit up as she waved her arm, attacking him with a biotic throw. It died down instantly on his barrier, without getting him to move even a single inch backwards.

Lisa was taken aback. They were two feet away from each other; how could he have formed such a strong solid barrier so fast? He must have felt her building up energy for that throw and had been already prepared for it when she'd released it. Still, it had been a shockingly fast and solid response and she wondered if he was using his amp.

"You attacked me? What is wrong with you?" Kaidan was fuming and didn't even try to keep his voice down.

He didn't see it? " _Everything_  is wrong with me." She matched his tone and volume. "On New Year's Eve, Dad would spend a whole hour in the orchard choosing the perfect pomegranate for us to eat the fucking seeds for good luck. Mom would make us eat twelve damned grapes at midnight. And Grandma wouldn't stop annoying everyone until we all ate a good portion of her horrible bland and overcooked black-eyed peas. They had all these stupid traditions from the places they were born and the places they'd lived before moving to fucking Mindoir. We'd spend all night involved with that shit," she blurted out angrily. Tears burned in the back of her eyes and she turned away from him, sucking in a shuddering breath as she tried to keep them from rolling down her face.

Kaidan raked his fingers through his hair and exhaled loudly. "Stop cursing so much; it won't help."

Lisa kept her eyes down, immediately regretting her outburst and embarrassed for having attacked him. "Look, I wouldn't have let you get hurt. I'd have used a pull before you hit something," she said sheepishly.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, too. I didn't know you… I had no idea. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"

"I don't want your pity."

"Good, because that's not what I'm offering. So, what can I do?"

She pulled her coat tighter, protectively around her. Her eyes were stubbornly fixed on a random spot on the ground. "No."

"'No'? What kind of answer is that?" He sounded frustrated, but he did not give up. "What was your thing on New Year's Eve? We could do that."

"I didn't have a thing. I just rolled my eyes at my family for doing theirs. Had no idea I'd miss that crap."

"Okay. How about we do my thing then?"

That piqued her curiosity and her eyes met his. It was obvious he didn't have any traditions of his own either, and she wondered what he could have come up with so out of the blue. "And what would that be?"

There were two beers left and he handed her one. "Having a beer on the beach."

It wasn't bad. It was simple and Lisa went along with his last minute, made up "tradition". He was trying to do something for her and she appreciated it.

For a while, they just stood there, side by side, staring at the ocean and drinking their beers, for the first time in a companionable silence. No, it was not bad at all.

When they were done, she watched as he gathered all the empty bottles to drop in the closest recycling bin and couldn't take her eyes off his ass. He had a fine ass. And, she had no idea why she cared about that. She shouldn't. That ass was just another reminder of how gorgeous and how way out of her league he was.

Yet, the guy he had brought to meet her had been really cute, so maybe Kaidan didn't find her completely hideous. "Why would you set me up on a date?" She couldn't figure that out, she had to ask.

"Devon's just started working at the shop. He's eighteen, so I'd thought—"

"You thought he would like me just because we're about the same age?" she asked, fighting the urge to roll her eyes.

"Look, Mom said you were spending too much time alone since your friend got a boyfriend. I was trying to help."

"Help? Setting a guy up on a blind date with me? Really? Look at me, Kaidan. See anything out of the ordinary?" she asked, her sarcastic tone causing his eyebrows to furrow in suspicion.

"I don't know. Is that a trick question?"

"Just answer it."

"Fine. Hm… your lipstick, it's a different shade from your usual one. It's darker. I like it." As he spoke his voice lowered, grew huskier with each word. He seemed a little flustered, but did not break eye contact.

Lisa, on the other hand, blushed to the tip of her ears and looked away, her pulse suddenly quickening. That was not what she'd expected. She was sure the first thing he'd mention would be the scar, proving her point that someone like her couldn't be set up on blind dates because she'd always be rejected at first sight.

"Have I said something wrong?" he asked.

Trying to recompose herself, she took a deep breath and cleared her throat. "No. It's not that. I, uh… thank you."

He looked confused, so she tried to explain. "Your friend, he took one look at me and left. You hadn't warned him about the scar and I thought… Well, I didn't know it was because you didn't mind it."

His lips curled into a sweet a smile and, for a moment, they just stared into each other's eyes. There was a burst of light and color in the sky indicating that the New Year had just begun, but neither broke eye contact to look up.

"Happy New Year, Jane," he wished her.

"Happy New Year, Kaidan," she wished him, and then they hugged, causing a burst of light and color of their own.

When their biotics finally settled and they pulled away, he asked her if she wanted to stay and watch the rest of the fireworks together. She nodded her agreement, and they sat down side by side on the sand. There was no one else on the beach. They had scared all the other couples away.

Leaning her head on his shoulder as he put an arm around her, she sighed. 2171 was off to a good start.

* * *

01/07/2171

Emily was looking at her friend in disbelief. "And after all that, you didn't kiss him?"

"No," Lisa said. "I don't think he likes me in  _that_  way, Emz. Plus, he had been kissing that blonde all evening."

"So?"

"So? I'm not going to kiss someone after they just kissed somebody else. That's disgusting!"

Emily rolled her eyes dramatically. "It is not."

"It is, too!"

"Look, this isn't going anywhere. Let's just try to figure out how we make him like you in  _that_  way then."

"Or, we could just drop this. His father is in town, so I probably won't be seeing him for a while."

"That just means we've got more time to figure this out."


	8. Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear readers, I love you! You made me really happy this year with your lovely reviews and all the interest you showed in this story. This is the last update of 2012, but if you feel up to some more F!Shenko, check out the one shot I wrote as a Secret Santa gift to Saga Svanhildr. It's called Step Inside Love.
> 
> Thank you to my beta, the amazing, talented Suilven.
> 
> Happy New Year, everyone!

03/24/2171

Barbra was watching them from the window in her bedroom. She could get a better view from the balcony, but then they would notice her there and she was afraid her presence might interfere with their dynamics. She didn't want to intrude. They were always more comfortable with each other when it was just the two of them.

Right now, Kaidan was using an exercise ball from their gym to teach Jane a new biotic move. He would send the ball rolling across the backyard and she was supposed to make it stop with a stasis field. After several failed attempts, in which she had either made the ball float up in the air or thrown it even further away, he had decided to just leave it on the ground, right in front of her. It had made no difference. She couldn't get it right, even with all his additional instructions and a dozen demonstrations.

By the way he was pacing and kept shaking his head, his mother could tell he was growing frustrated and impatient, but Jane seemed like she was having fun.

After a few more failed attempts, they started arguing and Barbra hoped Kaidan wouldn't give up. He threw his hands up in the air and she sighed sadly, thinking that was it. To her surprise, he went to stand behind Jane instead. With one arm curled around her waist, he pulled her against his chest. The contact made them both flare, and Jane gasped as Kaidan inhaled a sharp breath. It seemed oddly intimate and Barbra felt embarrassed and looked away.

When she looked at them again, Kaidan was still holding Jane and waving his free arm, which created a stasis field around the ball. After his field had died down, he used his hand to guide Jane's and repeat the gesture. The field that was formed around the exercise ball this time was not as bright and thick as the previous one. Definitely hers. They had finally done it.

Grinning, Jane turned around and threw her arms around Kaidan's neck. He returned the hug, even lifting her off the ground for a brief second, the most beautiful smile on his face. It was a wide, genuine smile like Barbra hadn't seen since he had returned from Jump Zero. It was a glimpse of her old son, of a time when he was happy and whole, and it brought tears to her eyes.

From the start, she had known that, if Kaidan would give Jane a chance, these two would be good for each other. It had taken him long enough—he was too stubborn—but it had happened and he was making peace with himself; using his powers again and re-gaining his confidence. It was all thanks to Jane. And, thanks to him, Jane was not so closed off to the world anymore, allowing herself to feel and to laugh again.

Barbra was so happy for them, for her small family.

* * *

04/26/2171

Lisa looked at herself in the mirror and shook her head. This had been a bad idea. "I shouldn't have let you convince me to do this, Emz. I look stupid."

"C'mon, Jane. We've been over this. First, there was his ex-girlfriend… Raissa?"

"I think it was Reena."

"Nah. Radha, perhaps?"

"Could be. Or, was it Raika?" Lisa really had no idea, even though Mrs. Alenko had told her about this girl, about how beautiful, nice, and sweet she'd been. She had been Kaidan's first girlfriend. Lisa also knew her from the pictures in the frame she had broken at his place.

"Anyway, there was her, and then there was his date on New Year's Eve. He likes blondes, Jane. I think it's worth a shot."

It really wasn't. Lisa was glad Kaidan didn't despise her anymore and that was enough for her. Expecting something more, that someone like him would fall for her, was asking to have her heart broken.

She was sure she looked ridiculous with her new hair color. To make things worse, it was getting her more attention at school and not the good kind. But, she knew Emily wouldn't leave her alone if she dyed it brown again before meeting with Kaidan at least once, so she decided to keep it blonde until his next visit. She just hoped it wouldn't take too long.

* * *

05/16/2171

Barbra's tool chimed. The call traced back to Jane's friend, Emily, which was odd. It was still early in the day; weren't they at school?

"Mrs. Alenko? This is Emily Wong."

"Hi, dear. How are you? Aren't you at school with Jane?"

"Yeah. Look… Principal Fischer, he… he will be calling you any time now and I just wanted you to know that the situation is not as bad as it seems. You know principals, right? They can be such drama queens."

"What is going on, Emily? Is Jane all right?"

"She's fine. It's just… did she ever tell you she was being bullied?"

"No. Why didn't she tell me that?"

"Yeah… I begged her to tell someone—one of the teachers, the principal, the school counselor—but, you know how she is. She's not the sharing type. "

"What's going on? Spit it out, young lady!" Mrs. Alenko's tone was all business.

"Well, she might have, you know, snapped just a little bit and those biotics of hers can get a little out of control…"

"Oh, God!"

"No one was harmed… much. There are three guys in the hospital, but I think they were just acting… mostly. Probably."

"Where are you?"

"They wouldn't let me go with her, but I think she was taken to the principal's office. The bullies are at Vancouver General."

Mrs. Alenko's hands were trembling when she ended the call with Emily to answer the principal's. Was this what had happened to Kaidan all over again?

"Mrs. Alenko, this is unacceptable." Mr. Fischer was fuming and skipped any pleasantries. "You were aware of our policy. All medical conditions must be disclosed at enrollment so the school can be prepared in case of an emergency."

"Biotics are not a medical condition!"

"I have to disagree with you on that, Mrs. Alenko. Biotics are a disease that cause violent behavior, insanity, and who knows what else!"

"Clearly, you wouldn't even have accepted her if you knew about it beforehand."

"We wouldn't have, and we would have been right in doing so. She endangered the lives of our students."

"She was protecting herself from bullies!"

"If she was being bullied, she should have come to us. She shouldn't have taken care of it by herself—assuming that this is true, of course, which it most probably isn't. I have to expel her; there's no other way. And further action will be taken in accordance with what the police say should be done in situations like this. Your immediate presence is required at our school so we can resolve this issue."

"I'll be right there." Barbra ended the call with the principal and contacted her son. "Kaidan, I think I might need your help."

* * *

Kaidan had heard only his mother's side of the story—that Jane was being bullied, lost control of her biotics, and hurt three kids. It didn't seem right. Jane was so smart, athletic, and… beautiful in her own way. Why would anyone pick on her?

He got Devon to cover for him at the shop and met his mother at Jane's school, the same one he had gone to before he'd been shipped off to Jump Zero. In the hallway, there were angry parents and teachers shouting and complaining, and Kaidan hoped he and his mom would manage to get Jane out of there fast. It seemed it wouldn't take much for the situation to get out of hand.

When they got into the room that Jane was being held in, they were horrified to find her cuffed, and with dried blood under her nose, on her shirt, and hands. A small crowd surrounded her, made up of the school's principal, counselor and security guards, as well as police officers and even a special ops unit.

As Kaidan and his mother came closer to Jane, she screamed and squirmed, falling to her knees.

"What is going on? What are you doing to her?" Mrs. Alenko asked, indignant.

"This girl is dangerous, Mrs. Alenko. She needs to be contained. There are three students in the hospital! How are we going to explain to their parents, to all those parents outside, that we allowed a dangerous, unstable individual to attend our school? Their kids are supposed to be safe here!" the principal bellowed, outraged.

Kaidan was waging a war with himself to control his biotics while witnessing the horrible scene playing out in front of him. Painful memories of all the injustices he and the other kids had had to endure at Brain Camp came to the surface of his mind. If Jane weren't a biotic, she wouldn't be treated like this. It was ridiculous that so many security guards, police officers, and even a special ops unit, had been mobilized to take care of one seventeen-year-old girl.

Without a second thought, he moved towards her, wanting to comfort her, to tell her it was going to be all right, but she flinched and then her body jerked violently.

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. It's the cuffs," she muttered weakly.

A man from the special ops unit explained mechanically, as if he was reading from a manual, that the cuffs were a prototype they had been testing, specially designed to restrain suspects with biotic abilities. They were equipped with sensors that would pick up on the activation of the suspect's biotic implants and give them a small shock to disrupt the channeling and discharge of dark energy. The electrical pulse was delivered at an average of 600 volts, carrying a low-current of 0.005 amps.

Aghast, Kaidan immediately stepped away from her so his own right-now-very-poorly-controlled biotics wouldn't disturb hers more. The realization that he had been responsible for her being shocked the previous two times was killing him already.

"Mrs. Alenko, I'm so sorry. I'll go back to the orphanage. You don't need to keep me. I'm sorry," Jane murmured with difficulty, her breathing labored and skin slick with sweat. Who knew how much she had already endured before they had gotten there.

"Don't say that, dear. You're part of our family. Rylan and I love you like a daughter," Barbra said, barely keeping her voice from breaking as she lowered herself down and put her arms around Jane. "You need to be calm, so they won't hurt you anymore, okay?"

Jane nodded once, quietly, and lowered her head to Mrs. Alenko's shoulder, out of exhaustion more than anything else. She was shaking and pale, looking like she might pass out at any minute.

"Please, get her out of those things," the older woman begged the policemen.

"We cannot do that until we are sure she's not endangering anyone else, ma'am."

"She isn't! Look at her! Let me take her home!"

"She will have to appear in court to answer for her actions. A doctor and a psychiatrist will be appointed to examine her as soon as possible, so we can determine how much of a danger she is to society," one of the officers informed them. "Until her court appointment, she's going to be held at a reintegration center for young offenders."

Kaidan felt his blood boil in his veins. It was inhuman what they were doing to her. The dark energy in him was running rampant, threatening to erupt and making his head hurt as he put his own self-control to the test. He would've thrown these men across the room already if not for those cruel shackles on Jane's wrists. Given the way their biotics usually interacted, it would certainly cause her too much pain if he lost control now.

"No! You can't take her away from us! There must be another way!" his mother protested.

"This menace—" the principal started, before the school counselor interrupted him.

"Maybe we should take this to another room?"

Kaidan was relieved that they all agreed. Jane certainly could do without listening to them insult her.

His mother helped her to a chair and asked him to stay with her before following the others into the next office. A few security guards and policemen stayed behind to watch Jane, as if she would be able to do anything in the state she was in.

Kaidan rubbed his temples. His head was throbbing; a migraine already creeping its way into his brain. "I'm sorry." He didn't meet her eyes as he said those words, hating himself for not being able to help.

"What for?"

"For causing you pain. When I came in, I… I didn't know. I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"I wish I could help."

She gave him a faint smile. "I know, and it's enough for me. Thank you."

Well, that made him feel like shit. He should be the one comforting her and not the other way around. "Would it be better if I waited outside? I don't want to—"

"No, please… stay. You can stay. I'm fine."

She wasn't fine. Her voice was so weak, that could only be a lie. From the bottom of his heart, Kaidan hoped they wouldn't take Jane from his parents, and promised silently to himself that he would help her get over this.

After a while, his mother burst back into the room and hugged Jane. "We're going home, dear. They'll take those things off you. Everything's going to be fine, you hear me?"

Right behind her, the head of the special ops unit was speaking, "An officer will escort her and the cuffs will be removed only at the destination. This does not exclude the suspect from her obligation to appear in court or her attendance at the appointments with the doctors that will be assigned to her case."

Kaidan hated the man's tone and attitude as he said those words, and how she was dragged out of there like a criminal and pushed into a patrol car. The mob of angry parents followed them until she was out of the school premises, yelling insults and threats, only a few pitchforks short of a witch hunt from the medieval era.

It was revolting that human biotics were feared this much; outright considered dangerous by society, labeled as prone to violence and insanity. No one even tried to understand them, to give them a chance... except for the Alliance.

"How did you convince them?" he asked his mother.

"Called your father and he got Captain Hackett and even Admiral Yoshida to intervene in Jane's favor."

Of course. Jane was a biotic and wanted to become a soldier. The Alliance wasn't going to give up on a potential biotic recruit only because she'd attacked a few kids. Hell, he had killed someone and the Alliance still wanted him. They were willing to overlook anything so they could have more biotics in their ranks. For better or for worse, only the Alliance valued them.

* * *

Only once Jane was inside the house, did the police officer remove the cuffs from her wrists. She was a wreck and, without a word to anyone, she locked herself in the bathroom. The shower was turned on, but Kaidan and his mother could still hear her strangled sobs along with the noise of running water.

Barbra went over to the bathroom door, trying to get Jane to open it and make sure she was okay. There was still nothing Kaidan could do for her, but he wouldn't leave. She might need him later. He knew what she was going through, he had been there; he knew what it felt like.

Trying to manage his migraine with only half the dosage of painkillers he was used to taking—he would be of no use to anyone if he was out of it—Kaidan waited, slumped on the couch, his arm covering his eyes so the daylight wouldn't worsen his condition.

The doorbell rang and he thought his head might explode. His mother had just managed to get Jane out of the bathroom and they were locked up in his old bedroom now, so he had to push himself to his feet to answer the door.

It was Emily, who was coming from the school and had stopped by to see how her friend was. Kaidan let her in and gave her the short version of that afternoon's events.

"I still don't know what happened exactly. Were you there?" Kaidan asked her.

"Yeah. I have footage." Emily powered on her tool.

"You were filming instead of getting help?"

"It wasn't like that. Jane hadn't wanted to tell anyone about the bullying, but I'd decided to go ahead and tell the school counselor, Mr. Peltier, anyway. When he went to talk to her about it, she denied everything and said I'd been mistaken. She's got a temper, that one, you know?" Emily shook her head. "I was afraid something like this might happen. I was planning to catch the bullies on film and show the principal, so she wouldn't be able to deny what they were doing to her. But, then… I don't want to say it. You can watch it, if you want to know."

Kaidan leaned forward to watch the footage on the holoscreen of Emily's tool. It started with Jane coming over to Emily's table in the school's cafeteria. Her head was down, her hair covering her scar, but it didn't keep the kids at a nearby table from snickering and calling her "Two-Face" as she passed by. They teased her about having dyed her hair blonde and said that no matter what she did she would still be "butt-ugly."

Why would they say that? Just because of the scar on her cheek? Hadn't they noticed her soulful dark chocolate eyes, her cute crooked smile, and her lean, shapely body? The blonde hair… it had been a bad decision; the old color suited her better, but she was still beautiful.

Kaidan was already pissed at those nasty kids, and it surprised him that Jane didn't look upset at all, only bored as she settled down at the table with her tray.

The kids got up. Jane was minding her own business, but they wouldn't leave her alone. What Kaidan heard next made him flare up in anger, so he could only imagine what it had done to Jane. The bullies said her mother had become a whore for the batarians and that Jane had been left behind on Mindoir because she wasn't good enough even for that.

The holoscreen suddenly flashed a blinding white and Kaidan had to avert his eyes. Emily explained that that was the moment when Jane had lost control of her biotics. As the light subsided, he saw Jane enveloped in fading blue flames and wiping blood from her nose. Three of the bullies were on the ground; there were chairs and tables upside down, and the other kids were screaming and running from the cafeteria.

To do something like that without an amp wasn't for just anyone.

"How do they know about Mindoir?" Kaidan asked Emily.

"From the news, but the news failed to mention the sole survivor was a biotic. Those bullies had no idea what they were dealing with, but they deserved what they got if you ask me."

Their conversation was interrupted by Mrs. Alenko, looking drained as she left Jane's room. "She's sleeping now. I'm going over to the hospital to see how those three injured students are doing and talk to their parents. Will you stay here? I don't want her to be alone."

It wasn't clear if she was talking to Kaidan, or Emily, or both, and the two of them nodded in agreement.

Kaidan couldn't bring himself to really worry about the three bullies. It was for Jane's sake that he was hoping they would be fine. The guilt he carried, he wished on no one.

By now, the medication had kicked in, mitigating some of his pain. Maybe it would help if he ate something, which reminded him that Jane hadn't eaten anything in the last few hours. Being a biotic, and after what had happened, she would certainly be starving.

He went into the kitchen and quickly fixed some sandwiches. "Emily, would you please take this to Jane? She must be hungry."

"Nah, you do it."

"You're her friend. I think she might want to talk to you."

"Honestly, I think right now she'd rather talk to someone who's a biotic like her. Everything that's happened, and whatever she's going through, you certainly understand it all much better than I do."

Emily was right. He knew what Jane was going through and he could help her. So, he made a tray with sandwiches and energy drinks for the two of them and went to knock on her door.


	9. Sharing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you may have noticed, I've never mentioned medi-gel in this story. It's because I'm considering it hasn't been invented yet. Also, I made up a middle name for Kaidan. In my head, it's after his grandfather on his mother side. Hope you don't mind.

"Jane, are you awake?" Kaidan asked softly.

"No."

Her answer brought a sad smile to his lips and he insisted. "I made you a sandwich. Can I come in?"

"Not hungry."

"Not true."

She sighed. "Fine."

The door unlocked and Kaidan went inside, carrying a tray with a few sandwiches and two energy drinks. Jane was sitting up on the bed with her back against the headboard. Her legs were tucked under the covers and she had changed into shorts and his old Star Wars t-shirt.

Kaidan pulled her desk chair closer to the bed and sat down to eat with her. It pleased him that his shirt was back with her and he would definitely comment on that later. Now, there were more important things for them to talk about.

"How are you?"

"I'm okay."

"Do you want to talk about it?" His eyes were boring into hers, hoping to show her that despite all the times he had treated her badly just because of her biotics, he was on her side.

"No."

"I know what you're going through. This happened to me once, you know?"

She eyed him curiously, an eyebrow arching in doubt. "Really?"

"Yeah, I… remember how I told you I had killed a man?"

"That was true?"

He nodded. "His name was Vyrnnus, a turian. He was one of our instructors at Brain Camp. Things were… rough there. One day, Rahna reached for a glass of water instead of pulling it biotically and Vyrnnus went mad. He broke her arm, Jane, just because she wanted a drink without getting a nosebleed. And, like an idiot, I stood up. Didn't know what I was going to do, but I just… I had to do something."

His gaze fell to his lap and he might have left too long a pause, because Jane squeezed his hand to encourage him to go on. He looked at her, and then her hand was gone from his, and he found himself wishing he had held it before she'd pulled away.

"Vyrnnus was an ex-military commander," he continued. "He pushed us hard, too hard for most of the kids there, and he didn't tolerate insubordination. So, when I stood up, he wouldn't have it. He never liked me and didn't hesitate about hitting me. Hell, he beat the crap out of me."

"Is that how you got these?" She ran her fingers softly over the small scars on his lips and Kaidan closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. The dark energy in her left a faint tingling sensation across his skin in the wake of her touch and he wished her hand had lingered a little longer on his face.

Why was it that every time they touched it had to feel so damn intense? A brush of her bare skin against his and he couldn't concentrate on anything else.

"Yeah." At least he'd remembered she was still waiting for his answer. "At some point a knife came up and he had it right in my face. I… I cut loose, hit him with a full biotic kick, the strongest I've ever managed."

"And it killed him," she finished for him.

He almost corrected her.  _I killed him, not it_ , he thought about saying, but it wouldn't be of any help in trying to make her feel better.

"It was not your fault," she said and he wondered if he was that easy to read. Or, maybe it was just her who understood him better than anyone else.

Anyway, their conversation was not going according to his plans. How come whenever he tried to comfort her, she ended up comforting him instead? "Look, Jane, I want you to know I'm here for you. I know what you're going through. You can talk to me."

She gave him a quick nod. It seemed a bit dismissive. Would she rather talk to someone else?

"I mean it. I know you didn't want to hurt anyone," he insisted.

At that, she sucked in a shuddering breath and turned away from him. "But, I did."

"Jane?" He put a hand on her shoulder, but she still wouldn't look at him.

"I attacked them with all the power I could muster, Kaidan. I was so angry, I wanted to hurt them," she said, her voice breaking with the threat of tears.

"What?"

"Those bullies, they hadn't touched me. I wasn't fighting for my life or anything like that. It was not the same as what happened to you." She was shaking, nervous hands swiping at her eyes. "After Mindoir, I… I wanted to use my biotics to help people. But, today, I… How could I do this?"

Although she was still facing away from him, it was obvious she was crying. "I did not lose control; it was not an accident. I put all I had in that blow. I wanted to get them off my back for good."

It was not the first time Kaidan had had to deal with a crying woman. Rahna used to cry a lot, actually, when they'd been at Jump Zero. Whenever a student had died, or the teachers had been too rough, or she'd missed her family, she would burst into tears and Kaidan would hold her and whisper sweet nothings in her ear, and eventually the sobs would cease.

But, this situation was different. Despite everything that had happened to her, Kaidan had never seen Jane cry. However, when she'd gotten home earlier today, she had locked herself up in the bathroom, gone in the shower, and cried. Now, she was crying again. If she hadn't even shed any tears when she was wearing those cuffs that had shocked her whenever her implants were activated, he knew it took a hell lot to make her cry. So, it was safe to assume there was a lot more behind those tears than she was letting him know.

Suddenly, she was up and fussing with her stuff in the wardrobe. "You were right about me. I'm dangerous."

Was she thinking about leaving? In two quick strides, Kaidan was by her side and grabbed her arm to get her attention. "Hey, what are you doing?"

She finally looked at him, eyes red and puffy. "Your mother can't stay here alone with me."

He stepped between her and the wardrobe. "Jane, I'm so sorry I ever said those things. You would never hurt her. Or anyone. I know that now."

"I just did!" She tried to push past him, but he wouldn't budge.

"Only because they pushed you, they hurt you first. Emily recorded the whole thing; I saw the vid. You could have attacked them one by one and really harmed them, but you didn't. One throw for the three of them wouldn't cause too much damage; you knew that. It was… relatively safe, I guess."

"What if I were more powerful, or if I had had an amp?"

"But you aren't, and you don't. You knew exactly what you were doing."

"Still, I shouldn't have done it. I disappointed your mother. I disappointed them… again."

Even though he was facing her, Kaidan almost didn't catch that last sentence. It had been just a whisper. " _Them_?"

"My family." Her voice faltered and more tears rolled down her cheeks.

Now Kaidan knew what was really making her fall apart. She was shaking and he guided her back to the bed, relieved that she didn't offer any resistance. "Why would you think you'd disappointed your family?"

"After Mindoir, I promised I would make up for what happened to them. I would only use my biotics to help people."

"You don't have to make up for anything, Jane. You're not responsible for what happened there."

"It's my fault they're dead, Kaidan," she sobbed.

"Hey, come here." He scooted over to lean against the headboard and pulled her into his arms. She curled up between his legs, body resting against his chest, head tucked in the hollow of his neck and her legs draped over his thigh. Wisps of dark energy erupted and danced across their skin and he was glad she didn't try to hold them back.

Although, a second later, he was wishing she had. His whole body was reacting to her and... damn him, he wasn't reacting only to her biotics. Her closeness, her scent, her delicate feet with red toenails, her legs, long shapely bare legs...

Kaidan caught himself short of smoothing a hand over her thigh. What the fuck was wrong with him?

"We were hiding during the attack and I couldn't control myself. Back then, I didn't even know how. I was so scared… and then I flared… The batarians saw it and found us." Her voice was heavy, laced with pain and regret and her shoulders were quaking with her sobs.

He tightened his arms around her, burying all his inappropriate thoughts and feelings deep in his gut as he focused on giving her the comfort and reassurance she needed. "There were no other survivors on Mindoir, Jane. Those batarian slavers found and killed everyone. No hiding place was safe. You know that, right? It was not your fault."

Kaidan couldn't even imagine what it was like to live with that kind of guilt. It had been different with him. He regretted having killed Vyrnnus, but he was not sorry the guy was dead. What Jane was going through was way more complicated, and he didn't know if he could really help her, but he would try.

"I wanted to die with them. Should have died with them."

"Please, don't say that."

"I don't deserve to be alive, Kaidan, but, if I have to be, then I should be making up for what happened to my family; I should be trying to make them proud. Instead, I'm hurting people."

"Jane, you're helping much more than you know. Believe me. My parents are so proud of you."

She was shaking her head, tears still rolling down her face and soaking his shirt.

"You helped  _me_ , you know? You… you changed my life," he said at last, and his voice came out with more emotion than he had anticipated.

The sobs halted and she took a deep steadying breath as she raised her head to look at him. "How?"

"I didn't want to use my biotics ever again after I came back from Brain Camp. I… hated myself. Hated what I was, what I could do. But, then you came along, so eager to use your powers, so proud of the things you could do and… there's also the way your biotics feel all the time, so wild and untamed. It's like you're urging me on… It's hard to resist it."

"It's not always like this."

"Oh, it is. I feel it every time I'm near you. But, it's okay."  _I love it._  "I got used to it."

"Yeah, but… it's not like this when you're not around." She looked down again, embarrassed, and he wondered what that meant. Were his biotics exciting or irritating for her?

"How does it feel for you?" he asked, hoping that he felt as good to her as she felt to him.

"Like there's a source of raw energy fueling mine and it's almost impossible to control myself. I feel stronger, more powerful. It's … amazing."

"Yeah? It feels pretty amazing for me, too."

She let out a content sigh, making herself more comfortable against his chest, and he lowered his chin to her hair, eyes closed, just enjoying how she felt in his arms as their biotics mingled and stabilized in a thick blue corona that enveloped the two of them as if they were one.

* * *

Barbra came home exhausted after dealing with the angry parents of the three injured teenagers. One of them had had a concussion; the other, a broken arm; and the third, a mild concussion and a broken wrist. They would be fine, thank God, but she wasn't so sure the same could be said about Jane.

She found the house dark and silent, and wondered if staying at the hospital until this late hour had been a bad decision. It was night already, and Kaidan and Emily must have gone home hours ago. Jane probably hadn't eaten anything and she could still be crying and torturing herself over what had happened.

Worried, Barbra rushed over to the girl's room. The door was closed, but not locked, and she opened it slowly without knocking so she wouldn't wake Jane in case she was sleeping. It surprised Barbra to find Kaidan lying on his old bed with Jane curled up against him, her head on his chest and his arms around her. At first glance, she thought it was inappropriate and she was going to wake them up, but then she came closer and noticed they were lying on top of the bedcovers with all their clothes on. Kaidan even had his shoes on. Clearly, they had just accidentally fallen asleep.

She tried not to make any noise as she picked up the used tissues on the nightstand and the tray with empty plates and glasses. It seemed Kaidan had taken good care of Jane and there was nothing for Barbra to worry about, so she left the room, closing the door behind her and leaving them to their sleep.

* * *

Lisa woke up in the morning to find Kaidan still asleep by her side. She wanted to smooth his messy hair, to take off his shoes so he would be more comfortable, to snuggle against him and stay in bed for a little longer… Instead, she rolled out of his embrace very carefully so she wouldn't wake him and sat down on the edge of the bed. After last night, it was probably safe to say they were friends, but it had been hard enough to get there and she wasn't going to make things weird by letting him know she had a crush on him. Okay, maybe it was more than just a crush. Which only made things worse. If his beautiful ex-girlfriend and his hot date on New Year's Eve were any indication, he really cared about looks and he could do much better than Lisa. Not even when they had gotten drunk together on his birthday had he shown any interest in her, so surely friends was all they would ever be.

Lisa sighed and went into the bathroom to get ready for… nothing. Only six weeks until graduation and she had gotten herself expelled. What was she going to do? She should finish high school; her parents would have liked to see her graduate. However, it was highly unlikely that any school in Vancouver would accept her now. Perhaps Mrs. Alenko would have some ideas to help her with that?

At first, Lisa had thought the woman would be disappointed in her for what she had done to those bullies at school, and might even send her back to the orphanage. It would be hell to live there again, without Jarell, Ty and Mano—only Raj was not eighteen yet and probably still lived there. But, then Kaidan had told her about how she had helped him make peace with himself and his biotics, and hearing that from him had taken a huge weight off her shoulders. She had not disappointed the Alenkos after all. They had taken her in to do just that—to help Kaidan with accepting who he was—and she had done it.

For what it was worth, Kaidan had helped her, too, and he probably didn't even know how much. Last night had been the first time she had opened up to someone about the attack on Mindoir. She had thought she would never be able to tell that story, but Kaidan had broken through to her. It still hurt like hell, and she didn't think she would ever come to terms with the events of that horrible night, but finally talking about it made her heart feel a little less tight in her chest.

She probably wouldn't have said anything if Kaidan hadn't told her about Brain Camp first. The angst and self-condemnation she'd seen in his eyes as he'd spoken about what had happened to him in his final day there showed how much he had been affected by it. Now, she understood why he hadn't liked her when they'd first met, and why he'd avoided using his powers. She could only hope she had managed to alleviate some of his pain as he had done for her.

All and all, it seemed she had gained more than she had lost yesterday.

After using the bathroom and brushing her teeth, she came back into the room without changing. There was no rush, since she didn't have anywhere to be.

Kaidan was yawning and stretching languorously in bed. When he saw her, he sat up and rubbed at his eyes. "Morning," he said sleepily. "Sorry I fell asleep here. I should've gone home."

"It's fine."

He smiled and nodded at her chest, still in his Star Wars t-shirt . "You kept the shirt."

"You left it on the couch that day, so I took it back."

"Good. I shouldn't have bothered you about it. I didn't even want it. And, it looks better on you anyway."His eyes widened a little bit and he blinked a few times before hastily averting his gaze, as if he couldn't believe he had said that out loud. "I mean, uh… did you watch the original movies?"

How could that shirt look better on her if it was huge, practically covering the shorts she was wearing underneath? Was he flirting with her? If he was, it seemed he regretted it the moment the words were out of his mouth, so there was no point in dwelling on it. "Yeah, thanks for sending them."

"No problem. How did you like them?" He looked anxious to hear her reply and Lisa found it really adorkable how important it seemed to him that she had liked the original Star Wars movies better than the holo remakes.

"They're okay, I guess," she said, feigning nonchalance just to tease him.

He looked disappointed. Were this some other day, he probably would've argued with her about it. "So, uh… you didn't like them better than the holo versions?"

She laughed and covered her mouth with her hand. "I find your lack of faith disturbing," she said in a grave muffled voice and exhaled loudly in her palm before lowering her hand again. "Of course I liked the old ones better. They're awesome!"

His face lit up as he grinned at her. "Yeah, they are!" he agreed, relieved, and she chuckled at his reaction.

Mrs. Alenko interrupted them, opening the door to announce breakfast was ready. They both looked at her sheepishly and Kaidan immediately started to explain himself, but she stopped him.

"I know you didn't do anything wrong, son. But, I'd prefer if you'd sleep in your own bed from now on," Barbra said with a small smile to take the sting out, but her tone still firm enough so he knew she meant it.

* * *

06/20/2171

Mrs. Alenko tried, but no school in Vancouver would accept Jane. Her expulsion had been justified with very strong words in her school record. They had compared her biotic abilities to someone bringing lethal weapons into the classroom and that had ruined her chances. No principal could look past those words, no matter how good her grades were. The only option left was for her to enroll in an online high school and take some crappy courses on the extranet to complete her creds and get a diploma.

She was done even before her former classmates but, when Barbra had asked if she'd wanted to celebrate, she'd refused. It was getting harder and harder to get her out of her bedroom, and the older woman decided to call her son for help. He and Jane had become friends. Barbra knew they had been frequently exchanging messages through their omni-tools, but since she had caught him in Jane's bedroom that morning, he hadn't showed up at the house again. He was probably embarrassed of what she might have thought he was doing in there, but Barbra knew he was a decent man and wouldn't cross the line with his seventeen-year-old foster sister.

The reason she called him was to ask him to take Jane out next Saturday. Barbra explained it would be the 29th and Jane would have been attending her graduation party if she'd still been in school. No doubt it would be good for the girl to go out, do something fun, and get her mind off her troubles for a bit.

"I don't know, Ma. I'll think about it, okay?" he said.

"You could go bowling, watch that movie with the big jellyfish, have a pizza. Something a brother and sister would do for fun," she insisted.

Kaidan swallowed hard, suddenly looking flustered and distressed and Barbra knew there was something wrong.  _Oh, God!_  She narrowed her eyes at her son. "Kaidan Zachary Alenko, please don't tell me you and J–"

"No!" he hastily interjected. "Of course not, Ma! I would never!"

"Thank God," she breathed out. "So, you take her out Saturday and you better behave like a good older brother, mister."

"Yes, Ma."


	10. Trials

06/29/2171

Lisa was wearing an above the knee, light blue chiffon dress that had a gentle flare to the skirt, short sleeves, and a banded waist. She had borrowed it from Emily; the only summer dress her friend had had that covered the scar on Lisa's shoulder. Luckily, Emily had great taste and fashion sense. The attire was beautiful and fitted Lisa nicely.

After she put on a little make-up to highlight her eyes and lips, Lisa took a picture of herself using her omni-tool and sent it to her friend. If not for her own prom today, Emily would certainly have been there helping her get ready for her… date? This time it really was a date, wasn't it?

Emily immediately messaged Lisa back, approving the look and wishing her friend good luck.

Temperatures were warm this time of the year, and it was still sunny outside when Kaidan arrived to pick her up. He looked stunning, with his hair carefully styled, and wearing an ash grey trimmer-fitting shirt and slim-cut dark jeans. Lisa had missed him these past weeks; just exchanging messages was not the same. So, she pulled him into a hug that he returned in kind, their biotics coming to life around them.

Mrs. Alenko appeared behind them and cleared her throat, causing them to separate. She reminded them that Lisa was not supposed to stay out late, and told them to have fun as she sent them off.

As she got into his car, Lisa felt her heart pounding in her chest. She had never been asked on a date before. Should she compliment him on his looks? Where was he going to take her? When they got there, was it okay for them to hold hands? She had never held hands with anyone before; it must feel so nice…  _Okay, calm down. One thing at a time_.

"So… where are we going?" she asked, trying to keep her cool but failing epically. Her excitement was clear in her voice and in the stupid grin that wouldn't leave her face.

"I… uh…" He rubbed the back of his neck. "I thought we could go grab a burger…"

_A burger?_  It was like having a bucket of cold water thrown at her. "Okay…"

"Would you rather have a pizza?"

There was something wrong. This was not a date, was it?"Burgers are fine. What did you have in mind?"

"There's a place not far from here, on 4th Avenue."

"You mean McDonald's?"  _Ugh!_  She had thought they'd go somewhere romantic, hold hands, talk and laugh, and, at some point, they would kiss. Perhaps she had watched too many movies and her expectations were unrealistic. Or, what seemed more likely right now, this was not a date.

"You don't like it? There are other places…"

"Whatever." She shrugged and turned to look out of the passenger's window. It wasn't a date. She had made a fool of herself getting all dressed up for this.

They did not exchange another word. She kept feeling his eyes on her, but every time she looked back at him, he'd pretend he hadn't been looking at her.  _He must be wondering why I'd put on make-up, a fucking dress, and high heels just to go grab a bite with a friend. God, this is so embarrassing._

The silence between them was stretching, getting more awkward, and the instant he parked the car, she hastily got out, grateful she didn't have to sit alone with him in that small space anymore. He stayed in the car for a moment longer and, through the windshield, she noticed how he dragged his fingers through his hair and exhaled heavily before opening his door. When he had picked her up, he had been in such a good mood. Now, he was upset and it was all her fault. She had misread his intentions and ruined their evening.

"Kaidan, look…" She came closer to him. "I'm sorry. When you asked me out, I thought…" Shaking her head, she buried her face in her palms. "Gosh, this is embarrassing," she muttered and took a deep breath before looking at him again. "I thought this was a date, all right? I don't know why I'd think that. Can we just pretend this never happened and that I'm not wearing this stupid outfit and making a complete fool of myself? Today is Saturday, you probably have a real date to go to after you drop me off, so let's just go eat some fucking Big Macs and get this over with."

His eyes traveled down her body and then shot to the place they were about to go into and he shook his head. "Fuck this. Get in the car."

She was already on her way to the restaurant and turned around, looking surprised. "What?"

"Get in the car," he repeated, already getting back inside himself.

She hurried to catch up with him. "Where are we going?"

"We're taking the lift to Grouse Mountain so we can watch the sunset from up there."

That was one hell of a romantic thing to do. What was going on? Damn, this man was driving her crazy. "Kaidan, you don't have to do this."

"I want to. It's where I wanted to take you when I asked you out."

"So why…?"

"I'll tell you later. There's something I need to ask you first."

"Okay. Ask."

He was quiet for a while. It seemed he was reflecting on whatever it was that he was about to ask her and she decided to wait and not press him.

"Tell me about your brother. I mean… only if you don't mind, of course," he finally said, still hesitant.

That was unexpected. "Well, he was little more than a year older than me. Looked more like Mom — caramel-colored hair, blue eyes…" She trailed off, staring pensively out the window.

"You two were close?"

A wistful sigh escaped her. Over a year after their deaths, it shouldn't still be this hard for her to talk about her family. Maybe it wouldn't be if she had at least tried to do it every once in a while, instead of avoiding it completely.

Kaidan must have thought his question had upset her, because he began to apologize for it. But, she could talk about this with him, couldn't she? She had done it once already, and somehow he had made her sad memories hurt a little less.

"We… we were always at each other's throats." She cut off his apologies, willing herself to speak and answer him. "His name was Jeremy, just like my father. Sometimes, when I wanted to piss him off, I'd call him Junior. He hated it so much." She let out a little laugh, but it died quickly. "I guess he… he didn't like me much. People were scared of me and that cost him his friends."

"I'm sorry to hear it. Wish I could say people are not so intolerant and prejudiced here, but…"

"Yeah. There are a lot of kids from my former school in the neighborhood. Everyone knows what I did, what I am, and they're afraid. The moment they see me, they usually run away, though some of them prefer to insult me first. That's why I'm not running on the beach anymore. Or gardening for the neighbors."

"I'm sorry. I know how much you loved it."

"Not really. They only have useless decorative plants and they would look at me like I was crazy whenever I suggested replacing their pointless rose bushes for a pumpkin patch."

"You're crazy," Kaidan laughed.

* * *

They arrived at the station at the foot of Grouse Mountain and got in the line for the lift. The place was packed with tourists this time of the year, and Kaidan cursed himself for not going straight there after picking up Jane. He would have, if his mother hadn't kept reminding him Jane was his foster sister and he was supposed to act like an older brother to her. At least, and to his relief, it didn't seem like she saw him that way.

The lifts were going up full to capacity and, when it was their turn to board, Kaidan grabbed Jane's hand and hurried inside, pushing past the crowd until he could get a spot in front of a window. The windows were huge, but Jane was a bit too short to be able to admire the view outside if not standing directly in front of one. He was hoping it wouldn't be too late for them to catch the sunset.

Kaidan stood right behind her, close enough to feel the buzz of her biotics and the warmth of her body, but not touching her, so there was less of a risk of one of them involuntarily flaring and causing panic among the tourists during the ride. However, the lift lurched forward as it started to move, and Kaidan instinctively put one hand on the railing in front of Jane and the other on her waist to steady them. For a few wonderful moments, her body was flush against his and it took all his willpower to keep his dark energy under control. Thankfully, she managed to hold back, too, but it must not have been easy. He had felt her shudder, heard her gasp, and noticed how her body had straightened up and tensed.

Suddenly, all his blood seemed to be rushing south and he found himself struggling to control more than his biotics.

The lift was softly rocking back and forth now as it went up. Kaidan put a few inches of distance between Jane and him, so he could get a hold of himselfand his biotics, but his hand that was resting on the curve of her waist had found a home there and was refusing to let go.

For the tourists to have time to take pictures and appreciate the panoramic view of the city and the coast, the ride up the mountain was really slow. So, when the sun began to set over the ocean, Kaidan and Jane were still in the lift. It was not how he had planned for this to happen. But, lucky him, this way was even better. Watching the sunset while suspended in mid-air was magical. The view was so breathtaking that everyone in the lift was suddenly quiet, admiring the scenery and making no more than the occasional appreciative noise.

Jane reached for Kaidan's free hand, entwining their fingers, and he took it as an encouragement to come closer to her again and tightened his grasp on her waist. When the last reflections of the sun were fading from the horizon, she turned around in his arms to face him.

He let go of her hand and reached up to tuck the strands of hair that were covering the scarred side of her face behind her ear . Blushing, she averted her eyes, but he kept his gaze on her until she took a deep breath and looked up at him again. They smiled when their eyes met, and he parted his lips as the tip of her tongue darted out to moisten hers.

There was nothing he wanted more than to kiss her right now. His mother was going to be so disappointed in him; she would probably give him the scolding of his life. Not to mention that his biotics would certainly go off the instant his lips touched Jane's, and inside a crowded lift with nowhere for this bunch of terrified tourists to run to... it could only end badly. Still, why was he inching closer to her instead of pulling away?

A loud chime rang inside the lift, and an electronic voice announced through the speakers that they were arriving at their destination and that all passengers should prepare to disembark. Jane flashed Kaidan an understanding half-smile as she turned away from him. The moment was lost and it was probably for the best.

They got off and walked to an observation deck, watching quietly as the artificial lights were gradually lit in the city below. He got them two sodas as she spent a credit to use one of the high powered binoculars to appreciate the view in more detail. It was breezy up there, the wind making the light fabric of her dress flow and press upon her thighs. Kaidan felt his mouth going dry. She was his foster sister; it was wrong to feel this way about her. But, then why did it feel so right? Guilt and desire were battling inside him when his omni-tool chirped. It was a message from his mom —  _Don't bring Jane home too late. Remember, she's only seventeen._  Guilt won.

Kaidan found a quiet spot for them to sit down and have their drinks and tried to think of a safe topic for them to talk about; something that wouldn't lead to flirting or any inappropriate behavior on his end.

"When is your hearing?"  _Damn!_  He instantly regretted that question and how it made her shoulders slump and her head drop.

"There's an arraignment in a few weeks and then they'll set up the hearing. I just want this to be over. Can't stand going to any more doctor appointments. They're… annoying."

That was an understatement. His mother had told him about the doctors Jane had been required to see before her appearance in juvenile court. They had been questioning, poking, prodding, and subjecting her to extensive tests and scans, most of which seemed pointless and completely arbitrary. And, they wouldn't even tell her what it was that they were trying to find. To make things worse, whenever Jane had one of these appointments, she had to wear those horrible cuffs for biotics and was escorted by two police officers the whole time, into every room, even when a doctor required her to undress for their tests.

Kaidan was not one to believe in conspiracy theories, but he was starting to fear these ignorant, intolerant people might make something up just to get Jane locked up. Apparently, his parents agreed with him, because his mother had been keeping his father updated on all the developments on Jane's case, and his father was passing along all crucial information to his superior officers. Kaidan had a feeling the Alliance's help would be needed again and, thankfully, his dad seemed intent on assuring Jane would get it.

"I shouldn't have brought it up. I was supposed to distract you from all this. Ma said you never leave the house anymore unless you have one of these doctor appointments, and she is worried about you. So, she told me to try and get you out, take you to do something fun. A sanity check, you know?"

Jane stared at him. There was a slight tremble to her fingers, but her face was carefully expressionless. "Your mother told you to ask me out."

It was a statement, not a question, but he answered it anyway. "Yeah."

She swallowed hard. "I think I want to go home now."

"Jane, is everything okay?"  _Did I say something wrong?_

There was no reply. She just got up, tossed the empty soda bottle in the nearest recycle bin and started walking towards the station to get the lift down the mountain.

He hastily followed her. "Jane?"

"Your mother told you to ask me out. This is a fucking pity date," she said with a self-deprecating laugh.

"No! God, Jane! Of course not. I mean, she told me to ask you out, but this is not a… oh, fuck!" This evening had been going so well, but he had to put his foot in his mouth.

"So, what is it then? A friends' thing?"

"No. I don't know." He sighed. "It's complicated."

"Let me know when you figure it out then, because you're confusing the hell out of me and I don't think I can deal with this right now."

How come he had managed to fuck this up so badly? If only he knew what she really was to him… Sister? Friend? More?

He had tried to do something "a brother and sister would do for fun", like his mother had suggested, but when he'd seen that was not what Jane had been expecting from him, it had felt like a huge relief. He didn't know how to be a big brother; he had never been one and he didn't want to start now. Not to Jane, he didn't. The thoughts he had been having of her were far from brotherly. She was not a sister to him. Definitely not a sister.

A friend, then? When she had been in his arms inside the lift, it had felt like the world was in slow motion and there had been no one else but them in there. It wouldn't be like that if friendship was all that existed between them. It was more than a reaction to her biotics, what he had been feeling whenever she was close to him.

So, she was more. Or, at least he wanted her to be. He should ask her out again and make it clear to her that it was because he wanted to go out with her, and not because his mother had told him to do it. And, hopefully, he wouldn't put his foot in his mouth again. And, he would kiss her. Yeah, that sounded like the right thing to do.

* * *

08/26/2171

Lisa was in her room when Kaidan showed up at his mom's, insisting on seeing her. Ever since their "date", she had been avoiding him. He had asked her out two other times after that, but she had refused. Things were already confusing enough between them, and she didn't want to complicate them even more, especially when there was a chance she could be taken away from her foster home and locked up somewhere.

However, the court appointment that would decide her fate was tomorrow and, when Kaidan had gotten there that evening wanting to see her, she couldn't find it in herself to deny him a third time. She didn't let him into her room though, remembering how Mrs. Alenko hadn't been too happy to see him in there the morning after Lisa had gotten expelled from school. So, she led him to the balcony on the first floor instead.

"Why have you been shutting me out, Jane?" He went straight to the point, sounding upset.

It was time to come clean with him. She couldn't leave him without an explanation when there was a real chance they might not see each other again for a long time. "I should've never agreed to go out with you in the first place when I already knew I could be taken away from here. I guess I wasn't thinking straight. It was selfish of me and I'm sorry." She had reached that conclusion after returning from Grouse Mountain, as she had taken off the dress she had borrowed from Emily and wiped the make-up off her face. The next day, she had re-dyed her hair the color closest to her natural shade of brown as she could find.

"I won't lie, Jane; I've thought about that possibility, too, and I was afraid you wouldn't give me the chance to say good-bye in case you… you know." He sounded sad and she fought the urge to touch him, turning to lean on the railing instead and looking over at the ocean.

"But, you understand, right? You understand why I wouldn't go out with you again?" They would only get hurt if they started something now, when there was a strong possibility they would be forced to part ways.

"I do." Sighing, he leaned on the railing by her side. "At least you gave me an explanation," he added with a bitter laugh, and she wondered if there was story behind that reaction. Perhaps it had something to do with that ex-girlfriend of his, Radha or something.

"Of course. You deserve one. I would've told you sooner, but I didn't want to risk you trying to change my mind," she said.

"Do you think I would?"

"Try?"

"Change your mind."

"If you tried, yes, and that wouldn't be good for anyone."

"I don't think I agree with that." The look he gave her as he said those words was so intense, she blushed. Damn this man! He was crumbling her resolve with no effort whatsoever, just by being there.

_Say good-bye before you do something stupid._  "Kaidan, I… I have to wake up early tomorrow so… I better... uh... go inside and…" God, where had all the words gone?

"Okay. But, can I at least give you a hug first, for good luck?"

She nodded without even thinking and he pulled her into his arms.

Lowering his head, he whispered in her ear, "When this is over, will you go out with me?"

"Yes," she smiled brightly.

Still holding her, he pressed her even tighter against his chest and kissed her hair. "Good luck tomorrow."

Looking up at him, she replied, "Thank you." Then she stood on her toes to give him what was supposed to be a quick and innocent peck on the cheek. But, her mouth seemed to have an idea of its own and trailed down to brush the corner of his lips. Dark energy burned around them and he inhaled sharply, his lips parting.

Pulling away from him instead of deepening the kiss was unbelievably hard. "When this is over," she whispered, for his benefit as well as hers.

"I'll hold you to that."

* * *

08/27/2171

At the arraignment, a couple of weeks ago, Lisa Mae had pled guilty. Today, she would be sentenced. Commander Alenko and Captain Hackett had come from Arcturus Station to Vancouver to defend her and to try to convince the judge to give her community service instead of sentencing her to serve time in some facility for young offenders. There was a third Alliance officer with them, who Lisa didn't know. He was wearing a black uniform with a red stripe on the right arm and an emblem on the chest with a letter and a number:  _N7_. Juvenile hearings did not have a jury and were closed to the public, but nobody had messed with this unknown soldier when he had come in with the others who were actually participating in the hearing.

Private Mitra and Lieutenant Kyle were there, too. They had come to testify in her favor. They praised her self-control to the judge and insisted that, contrary to what the civilian doctors had been saying, individuals with biotic abilities weren't inherently violent or prone to insanity.

Lisa was glad to see the Alliance hadn't abandoned her. She wasn't naïve; she knew they wouldn't have taken an interest in her if it weren't for her biotics. But, the way she saw it, it meant they valued her for something that caused almost everyone else to treat her like a freak. It only strengthened her resolve to join the military once she turned eighteen.

Her friend Emily had also been called to testify and, as she had been instructed beforehand by Captain Hackett and Commander Alenko, did not mention the footage she had made of the attack. Although the vid showed Lisa was being bullied by the kids she had hurt, the fury and strength of her reaction might scare the judge who clearly, until this day, knew next to nothing about human biotics. And, he didn't seem much interested in learning either.

Juvenile court was a busy one in a city as big as Vancouver—with over eight million people, and gangs recruiting minors in the poorest neighborhoods—and the judge just wanted to get her case over with so he could move on to the next and fulfill his schedule for the day. He looked bored as hell as he waited for all the witnesses and angry parents to speak and kept checking his watch for the time.

In the end, he gave Lisa fifty hours of community service, and had to call in the police to remove the parents of the injured kids from the courtroom, who were shouting accusations that the military must have intimidated the judge for her to get away with just community service.

Whether he had really felt intimidated by all those uniforms on Lisa's side, or had just believed in their assurance that they would keep her under their watch and had found it good enough, the important thing was that Lisa was free.

She felt Commander Alenko putting his arm protectively around her shoulders as Hackett, Kyle, and Mitra surrounded her. The man in the black uniform took point, his right hand hovering over where his sidearm was holstered as he hastily led them out of the courtroom and past the small crowd that was making a protest against human biotics outside the building.

Barbra and Emily followed suit. Their group quickly split into two cars and they all headed to the Alenkos' residence. Rylan invited his fellow soldiers in for drinks, as an improvised celebration, as well as a thank you for their help. Since they were all going to spend night on Earth anyway, they accepted.

Lisa powered on her tool and wrote a message to Kaidan:  _It's over. I'm staying._  In about an hour he would be getting out of work and she hoped he would stop by to see her.


	11. Together

Kaidan arrived at his parents' to find a group of soldiers drinking and chatting casually in the kitchen, uniforms with unbuttoned collars, the hems of their shirts hanging over the waistbands of their pants, and boots with loosened ties. His mom was laughing, sitting on his father's lap. One of the men was shuffling a deck of cards. There were half-drunk bottles of beer and whiskey on the table and quite a few empty ones on the floor and by the sink.

It looked like they had forgotten it was Monday and Kaidan wasn't about to remind them. He didn't think he had ever seen his father so relaxed. Perhaps, and for a change, Kaidan would even get in and out of there today without them picking a fight with each other.

After he had said hello to everyone, his mother told him Jane was in the backyard with friends and he went over to meet her.

The instant he stepped outside, she appeared in front of him, throwing her arms around his neck.

"Is it really over? You're staying?" he asked, returning the hug.

"Yep. They gave me community service."

"That's good to hear."

Sparks of dark energy were still flying around them as they let go of each other.

"What the hell, man? You two together feel like a thunderstorm!" Hendel Mitra said cheerfully, coming out from behind Jane.

The old friends from Brain Camp shook hands vigorously and patted each other on the back. "Dell! It's been a long time! How are you, man?" Kaidan greeted him.

"Fine. Trying to look good with the brass," he nodded towards Captain Hackett, who was coming out of the kitchen, probably searching for a bathroom, "and score a promotion. What about you? I'm glad Jane's in good hands. Are you training with her? Taught her any new moves?"

"Yeah, a few," Kaidan replied, his eyes dropping as he thought about all the time he had wasted avoiding Jane. He could've taught her a lot more. They could've been practicing for over a year now.

Mitra didn't seem to notice his mood shift and turned to his former student. "You'll have to show them to me later. I need to see if the technique is good enough for my standards." He made a mock smug face. "Don't forget Kaidan here is just the substitute teacher, all right? When you join the service, you'll be back to learning from the master."

"Sir. Yes, sir," Jane joked, making a sloppy salute.

Emily joined them briefly just to say her good-byes and Jane left to accompany her to the door.

Suddenly looking serious, Mitra put a hand on Kaidan's shoulder. "How are you really, man? I heard you didn't want to train anymore, wouldn't even use your biotics. But, I guess that's not true, right?"

There was a hint of a smile on his lips as he spared a glance towards Jane retreating form. "Not anymore."

"Good. We were worried about you—me, Mark, Toni, Kat, Yuri. You disappeared, wouldn't answer the messages we sent you… Kat was heartbroken."

Kaidan shot his friend a surprised look.

"Oh, man! You didn't know? She was hung up on you," Mitra explained.

"Really?"

"Guess you only had eyes for Rahna, huh? I don't blame you. Girl looks like an angel. I wish I had that silky hair."

Kaidan couldn't help laughing and shaking his head at his friend.

"I'm still in touch with her, you know?" Mitra said, watching his friend intently for his reaction.

"Who? Kat?"

"No, man. I mean, I'm in touch with Kat, too. She joined the Alliance. But, I was talking about Rahna."

Kaidan swallowed hard, his stomach churning; memories flooding his mind and rendering unable to speak. Why would Mitra tell him that? Had Rahna mentioned him? Had she forgiven him? If Mitra was in touch with her, it meant Kaidan could get a message through to her, maybe even see her. But, did he want to?

"Kaidan, are you there?" Mitra waved a hand in front of his friend's eyes to get his attention.

Kaidan abruptly turned to peek inside the house through the doorway. There was no sign of Jane; she must be talking to Emily out in the front yard. For some reason, Kaidan was thinking it would be best if Jane didn't hear this conversation. He was actually feeling bad for even having it, as if he were doing something wrong. Still, he couldn't stop himself from asking, "How is she?"

Mitra looked away. It seemed he was carefully considering what he was going to say next. "She's… okay. You know, she was the only one who wouldn't recognize you saved us. She still doesn't, truth be told."

"What do you mean?"

"We were all grateful you got Brain Camp shut down, Kaidan. That place was hell. We might still be there if it weren't for you. Who knows by now how many other kids would have been taken away from their homes and forced into that nightmare? We wanted to throw you a fucking party for what you did. You saved our lives. You saved many lives."

Kaidan's forehead crinkled in confusion. That couldn't be right. He was a murderer, not a hero. Mitra was wrong. "What I did there was terrible, Dell. It ruined my life."

"Being dragged to Brain Camp ruined your life. Getting that place shut down saved it. Believe me."

That gave him pause. He had killed a man and lost Rahna in the process; was shutting down Brain Camp worth it? His last day there, he still remembered it so clearly... _Rahna and her perfect features distorted with horror as she watched Vyrnnus slumping to the floor. The turian gasping in vain for air to fill unresponsive lungs, eyes blinking desperately as his body twitched and refused to obey._

Later, Kaidan had wondered if Vyrnnus could have been saved, if the infirmary there had been equipped to treat a turian, if anyone there even knew how. But, in the heat of the moment, he could only think of Rahna. The instant he had gotten Vyrnnus off him, he had rushed to her side, worried about her broken arm, wishing he could kiss the pain away, whispering promises that he would never let her get hurt again.

_For a few moments there, he didn't understand what was going on. Each step he would take towards her, she'd take one away from him; her good arm cradling her broken one, fat hot tears running down her cheeks. She kept shaking her head, eyes pleading. Why wouldn't she stay in place and let him hold her and make it better? As her back hit the wall, he reached out to her, and then she screamed. A loud, unbelievably high, truly terrified scream and it tore him apart. At that moment, he realized she'd been trying to protect herself from him, scared to death of what he had done, what he had become._

_He immediately pulled back, almost as terrified as she was, and she scurried away, out of his life but, for many nights, still in his dreams._

"I don't know, Dell. What I did there made me lose Rahna."

"You're not seeing the bigger picture, Kaidan. Rahna... what is she to you now?"

"She's…" When they were together, he'd been sure he'd found the love of his life and that he was going to marry her someday. Right after BAat, he'd thought he would never find someone as perfect for him as she'd been, and that he would spend the rest of his life aching for her. Nowadays, if he had the chance to see her one more time, he would like to talk to her and get some closure. He would apologize to her, set things straight, and that would be it. Trying to rekindle their relationship was not something he would consider anymore. Rahna belonged to a part of his life that was over. He wanted to move on.

"What, man?"

"Someone I hurt…? An ex-girlfriend?"

"Is that all she is?"

"I...hm, I think so."

"You don't miss her?"

"Not anymore." It was true. He hadn't missed her in quite some time, actually.

"Look, I only mentioned her, 'cause I wanted to know if you were over her."

"Why? Are you…? But, I thought you were…"

Mitra rolled his eyes. "Not even Rahna can swing my head in that direction, man. I'm still with Mark. I just asked because Jane has a major crush on you, you know? She and her friend were talking about you the whole time before you arrived."

Kaidan couldn't help the small smile that crept on to his face.

"Hey," Mitra poked at his chest, "this is serious. I met Jane right after the attack on Mindoir and we spent a lot of time together at Arcturus Station. Her scars run much deeper than those marks on her skin, Kaidan. I don't want her to get hurt."

"You think I would hurt her?" Kaidan frowned. "Dell, you know me better than that. I'm not that kind of guy."

"You're not? Then why does she think she's got a chance with you, huh? Why does she think you're going to ask her out?"

"I'm not leading her on, if that's what you're saying. I…" Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck and glanced sideways before leaning closer to his friend and muttering, "I like her, okay?"

Mitra narrowed his gaze at him, an eyebrow shooting up in suspicion. "You like her?"

"Yeah, I… I do."

His friend let out a relieved sigh. "Good."

* * *

Lisa and Emily talked for a while at the door, discussing their upcoming trip. Emily had been accepted at the University of Toronto and she would be moving there soon. Her parents were going with her, and would spend a few days there until they got their daughter settled. Now that Lisa wasn't at risk of having to serve time anymore, Emily had invited her to come along. With Mrs. Alenko's agreement, Lisa had accepted the invitation.

Of course, Lisa was happy for her friend, but she couldn't help thinking how much she would miss Emily and how her days would be even lonelier now. At least they would get a week together in Toronto to say good-bye.

When Emily left the Alenkos and Lisa went back inside, she ran into the man in the black uniform, who apparently had stepped out of the kitchen to answer a call on his omni-tool.

Commander Alenko had introduced him to Lisa earlier as Lieutenant Commander David Anderson and Lisa had noticed that, despite his unusual uniform, his commission was still Alliance Navy. Her curiosity piqued, she had been about to ask him about it when Captain Hackett had caught his attention with another subject. She hadn't been about to interrupt them, so she'd just dropped it.

As she was passing by him now, on her way to the backyard, he turned off his tool and looked at her. "Hey, kid. You did good in court today. It was rough there, but you kept your cool the entire time."

She stopped and turned to face him. He didn't seem in a hurry to rejoin the others.

"Alenko says you'll make a fine soldier one day. I think I agree," he continued. There was a hint of a smile on his lips, barely there, but enough for her to notice it.

"Thank you, sir."

He still wasn't walking away. Maybe now she could ask him a few questions, sate her curiosity.

"Sir, your uniform… I've never seen it before and I was in Arcturus for weeks."

He touched the N7 emblem on his chest appreciatively. "I earned it for graduating from the Interplanetary Combatives Training program. 'The Villa' as we like to call it. To put it simply, we—the N7s—are the Alliance's special forces."

"Oh? And you came down here just for –"

"Don't flatter yourself, kid," Anderson let out an amused laugh and ruffled her hair playfully. "I was already in Vancouver and Captain Hackett wanted to see me. He asked me to meet him in court because he wouldn't arrive in time to stop by the Alliance headquarters first."

"Anderson, we're waiting. You in or out?" Rylan shouted from the kitchen.

"I'll be right there, Alenko. You can deal me in." He gave Lisa a nod and went into the kitchen.

Lisa had had a few follow-up questions already lined up for him, but now it seemed she would have to file them away for another opportunity.

She smoothed her hair and continued to the backyard to find Kaidan and Private Mitra. Her heart skipped a beat at the sight of Kaidan smiling brightly at her as their eyes locked. They must have been too obvious, because Mitra hastily came up with some excuse to leave.

The two of them sat at the wooden picnic table in the yard, facing each other, and she told him about the hearing, skipping only the parts where she had been gratuitously insulted—it wasn't important and he probably could guess something like that had happened anyway.

Her hands were resting in front of her on the table and he put his really close to hers but not quite touching. His gaze kept shifting from her eyes to her mouth and then the table. He was still a little shy and hesitant, even though just yesterday she had said she would go out with him again and then had brushed her lips against his.

"So… will you let me take you out on a proper date now?" he asked her, an expectant look on his face.

It would have to wait until she was back from Toronto, but, at least, it was finally going to happen.

Hoping to assure him she wasn't blowing him off, she leaned forward and put her hand over his as she told him about her upcoming trip. Emily was really important to her, her best friend, her only friend. So, Lisa would go on this trip, but she would be back in a few days and then she and Kaidan could have their date.

He looked a little disappointed, but then he laced his fingers in hers and she knew he understood.

"Soon," she promised.

* * *

09/01/2171

Emily and Jane were sitting on a bench outside the Niagara Falls visitor's center. Even wearing a raincoat, you got wet when you got close to the falls, and they were waiting for their clothes to dry out a little before getting in the car the Wongs had rented for the duration of their trip.

While the Wongs were at the gift shop, getting souvenirs for their family and friends, the girls had a little time to themselves. Emily was glad Jane had accepted her invitation to spend a few days in Toronto with her. Being in a place where Jane had no chance of running into anyone who knew she was a biotic was doing her good. It was noticeable how much more at ease she was whenever they went out.

However, soon Jane would be back in Vancouver, and it worried Emily that she didn't have any other friends waiting for her there. If only Kaidan hadn't screwed up their date, maybe Jane would have a boyfriend by now and wouldn't be so lonely anymore.

Jane's tool chirped. Emily recognized the noise as the alert for a text message. By the way Jane smiled, Emily had a guess as to who had sent it. "Kaidan?"

Jane nodded and Emily scooted closer to her friend so she could read the message on her tool.

_KaidanA.: Having fun in Toronto?_

Along with her reply saying yes and a smiley face, Jane sent him a picture she had just taken at the Niagara Falls.

_KaidanA.: You're not in the picture…_

Emily immediately powered on her tool to send Kaidan a picture she had taken of Jane the night before, when they had gone out for dinner with the Wongs at a very nice restaurant.

Jane's eyes went wide when she realized what her friend was doing, but it was too late to stop her. The alert that the file had been delivered was flashing on the holoscreen of Emily's tool. "I can't believe you did that, Emz."

"And I can't believe you're blushing! For God's sake, Jane! He's not even here."

His reply came a few seconds later and Emily showed it to Jane, who buried her face in her palms.

_KaidanA.: That's better. Thanks, Emily._

"He's into you. I think you should give it another try."

"I will. We're going out again after I get back."

"You are? And when you were going to tell me about it?"

"I don't know. You're busy, Emz. Starting college, moving here… I didn't want to bother you."

Emily shot her a playful stern look. "I'm still your best friend, Jane. I _need_ to know these things."

Jane laughed, but Emily noticed it didn't reach her eyes. It was no accident that Jane had failed to mention she and Kaidan were going on a second date. She was probably wondering if she still had a place in Emily's new life. They were growing up, and their friendship was changing. Who knew when they were going to see each other again once Jane returned to Vancouver?

"Are you okay?" Jane asked her.

"Just thinking that I'm going to miss this. Us."

"Me, too," Jane gave her a sad smile. "But, don't worry, Emz. You'll make some new friends here in no time. You're good with people."

"But what about you?"

"I'll be fine. I have other friends, too, you know?"

"Yeah? Who?"

"Hmmm… Mrs. Alenko?"

Emily rolled her eyes and shook her head. Jane could be really depressing sometimes. She wouldn't even call the woman by her first name, like Mrs. Alenko had told her to do several times already. "Gosh, Jane, we really need to get you that boyfriend…"

"Yeah, about that… can I borrow your blue dress again?"

Emily frowned. She had an idea of where this might be going and she did not like it one bit. "Sure, but if you don't mind me asking, what for?"

"For my next date with Kaidan," Jane stated, as if it were obvious.

"I knew it," Emily muttered under her breath, pinching the bridge of her nose. What was her friend going to do without her? "Jane, on your second date, you can't wear the exact same outfit you wore on your first date," she explained slowly as if to a child.

"It wouldn't be exactly the same. I mean… I think the high heels would be the same, too, since I only have that one pair you made me buy, but –"

"Please, stop." Emily stood up to emphasize her point. "That's it! Tomorrow, we're going shopping."

* * *

09/14/2171

Lisa put on a sleeveless white blouse she had only bought because the straps were wide enough to cover the scar on her right shoulder. Along with her cherry red flats and a denim mini skirt, she was ready for her second attempt at a first date with Kaidan.

It was early in the afternoon and the weather was still pretty hot. Lisa tried not to think about why he was picking her up at this odd time. She was sure it was a date, and didn't need to look for any signs that might indicate otherwise like she had done the previous times.

They hadn't seen each other since the day of her hearing. When he arrived, she was going to give him just a friendly hug, but somehow their lips met for the briefest second. It was like they couldn't help it and it just happened.

When they parted, he glanced around, probably looking for his mom, and seemed relieved when Lisa told him Mrs. Alenko wasn't home.

They got into his car and chatted casually about her trip to Toronto until they reached Stanley Park. He was taking her to the Vancouver Aquarium.

The placing was bustling with activity and they went straight to the indoor exhibits which appeared to be less crowded.

As they walked through the dark corridors, lit only by the blue glow of the huge fish tanks, Kaidan slipped his hand in hers. It made her pulse quicken and she smiled. Things were certainly looking up this time.

There was an unoccupied bench in front of one of the largest tanks, the one that housed the beluga whales, and they decided to sit there for a while. Despite the heat outside, it was chilly inside the Aquarium. Kaidan must have guessed she was cold, because he let go of her hand and put his arm around her shoulders. Without even thinking, she let her left hand slip to rest over his thigh and leaned her head onto his shoulder.

The way his fingers were slowly running up and down her arm was making her feel warm and cared for. This time, the silence between them was comfortable, and Lisa sighed happily. She couldn't even remember the last time she had felt so at peace.

"Jane," he whispered and she raised her head to look at him. The intensity of his gaze made her heart flutter in her chest. "I'm sorry about last time."

No, she didn't want to talk about their failed date. It was water under the bridge.  
"Kaidan, it's okay." She squeezed his hand to reassure him.

"I really want to make it up to you." His voice was low and husky and Lisa found it very hard to concentrate on giving him a reply.

He cupped her face, his thumb gently trailing over her scar and her cheek. The next thing she felt was his breath blowing so temptingly close to her, so she just closed her eyes and parted her lips, hoping he would forget about talking.

His mouth met hers, gently at first, until she put her hand behind his head and pulled him closer. The invitation was clear and he deepened the kiss, his tongue brushing hers, exploring her mouth and making her shiver and tighten her grasp on him.

The scent of eezo filled the air as they flared. Their coronas mingled, but refused to settle, burning wildly and furiously, like fire, around them. Without breaking the kiss, they stood up, both instinctively seeking more contact. Curling an arm around her waist, he crushed her against him. Their kiss turned hungry and desperate, matching the intensity of the flames of dark energy that enveloped them.

There was something going on in the Aquarium, an agitation that Lisa hadn't noticed before. Noise growing louder, surrounding them… All of a sudden, she opened her eyes and broke the kiss. Sucking in a deep breath, she spoke, "We have to go."

"What?" For an instant, he looked lost, a little dazed even. He still hadn't noticed the commotion around them.

His eyes widened suddenly and she knew he had finally listened to the urgent voices; confused, scared, angry, saying things like, "What are they doing?" and, "They're going to hurt someone," and, "Somebody stop them!"

"Run," she told him more firmly and grabbed his hand, pulling him with her as she started towards the exit.

Worried parents were picking up their children as the two biotics passed by, frightened visitors were jumping out of their way, security guards were running after them, and then they saw the exit and there was a guard closing the doors to keep them from leaving. They hadn't done anything wrong, but if they stayed there and let those guards catch them, they would end up having to explain themselves for hours. Maybe even the police would be called in and, if charges were pressed against Lisa, that would get her in some major trouble. A second strike so soon after her first would certainly land her in a detention center.

Lisa raised her hand in preparation to launch an attack, nothing strong, just something that would get her out of there. But, Kaidan beat her to it. He had already released a stasis field that caught the guard by the exit. Next, he hit the doors with a strong biotic kick, blasting them open.

Only once they had fled the Aquarium area and the security guards had given up chasing them, did they stop running. They had taken one of the dozens of pathways that cut through the park and found themselves alone among the trees. Panting, Lisa leaned against a thick tree trunk to catch her breath and cursed herself for not bringing any energy bars with her. She sure could use a couple of them now, especially because she fully intended to kiss Kaidan again, even if it meant getting her biotics all riled up and burning all the energy left in her.

She barely had time to finish that thought and his mouth was capturing hers, his body pressed flush against hers, pinning her against the tree trunk. The way she felt every time his lips were on hers was nothing short of amazing. A hand slipped under her blouse, clutching at her waist and spreading warmth throughout her body. She thought her knees would give out as he started trailing kisses along her jaw and down her neck. His teeth lightly grazed the soft skin there, making her breath hitch.

* * *

Kaidan groaned as he reluctantly let go of her. He was hanging by a thread. To think that the way her wild biotics interacted with his, always so enticing and instigating, could feel even more intense when they kissed... So intense he could hardly bear it but, at the same time, he never wanted to stop. He couldn't get enough of that sensation, of how alluring and addictive it was to feel her skin on his. God, he wanted more, a lot more than small touches and hugs and kisses. He wanted her.

But, the right thing to do was to stop that now, before it got out of control. He didn't want to risk doing anything she wasn't ready for. She had been through a lot of trauma. Most of her life, people had been afraid of her, even her family. She'd probably never had a boyfriend; he knew she'd barely had any friends. For her, he needed to take this slow.

"We should go get something to eat," he said. It was true. He hadn't put on his amp today and, after making out with her and what he had to do for them to escape the Aquarium, he was feeling drained. But, it didn't make it any less of an excuse. He'd rather stay right here with her, lost amidst the trees, touching, kissing, feeling her against him, even if it gave him a migraine afterwards.

She flashed him her crooked smile and nodded in agreement. He didn't have to explain himself to her; she understood him.

After today, his life would never be the same. He wondered if she had any idea of how important this day had been to him. He had used his biotics on a living, breathing being that wasn't her for the first time since Brain Camp and he hadn't even given it a second thought. If he and Jane had been caught and the security guards had called the police, Jane would be taken into custody, no doubt about that, since she was still on probation for her first offense and hadn't even began to serve the sentence. Kaidan wasn't going to let her get locked up, not when she was innocent and under his watch.

When he had hit that guard with the stasis field, he had known the man wouldn't be hurt. For the first time in a long time, Kaidan had completely trusted himself and his ability to control his biotics. He'd known what he was doing, and he had done exactly what he had wanted to do. It had been thanks to Jane, to her influence and her stubbornness, to the way she would never hold back her powers around him, to the way she'd kept pushing and testing his limits, that he had regained his confidence.

And, it had been to protect her that he had used his powers on someone else. Not that she had needed his help. If he hadn't stopped that guard, she would have. He had felt the surge of energy within her, a clear sign that she had been more than ready to take care of that situation by herself. However, he had wanted to do it anyway and prove to himself he could and that he was ready. Right now, he was feeling really proud of himself.

Yeah, this had been, by far, the best day he had had in years. He hoped Jane would be willing to share many more like this with him.


	12. Old Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

09/18/2171

Lisa Mae Shepard would have many vids of her go viral during her life. The one from the security cams at the Vancouver Aquarium was just the first. Luckily, she and Kaidan had been caught either from the back or too distorted by glowing ripples of dark energy to be recognizable to anyone who was not very familiar with them. Of course, Emily Wong could tell it was them. She was the one who saw the vid first on the extranet and told Lisa about it.

The images began when Lisa and Kaidan were already running towards the exit doors and preparing to attack the guard and make their escape. Whoever had edited it before releasing it must have intended to make them seem dangerous and wanted to give the viewers the impression they must have been doing something wrong, since they were running away.

For a couple of days, biotics were the most recurrent subject on the local news networks—with the footage from the security cams being constantly replayed on every TV show—and doctors, scientists, politicians, and even asari being called to give their opinions on human biotics. However, it lasted only until the next event the media considered to be breaking news, which was a celebrity couple that was getting divorced. Then, with the landslide that trapped fifty workers underground in an iridium mining facility on Korar, Lisa and Kaidan's vid was definitely forgotten.

Mrs. Alenko had recognized it was her only son and her foster daughter in the footage, and must have talked to Kaidan about it first, because when she came to have a conversation with Lisa about that incident, she was already aware of quite a few details.

"I know why you and Kaidan acted like you did at the Aquarium and I know you can't always control these biotic flares you have, but you have to be more careful. Rylan and I did all we could for you not to be taken away from here, Jane. Rylan even brought a captain with the Alliance to vouch for you, and that was only a few weeks ago."

Lisa didn't answer, just looked away, with a lump in her throat. She was causing problems for her foster parents again. If it weren't for them, she would still be at the orphanage. Jarell had said she was too old, not to mention all her other issues, for any family to be interested in taking her in.

What the Alenkos wanted was for her to help Kaidan heal from the emotional scars left by his long stay in Brain Camp. Lisa hadn't exactly planned for it, but she had done it. In exchange, they had given her a home. Now, they had no more reason to keep her here, did they?

"Thank God Kaidan did the right thing and got you out without anyone getting hurt. But, I don't want you taking any chances anymore." Barbra sat on the bed by her side and put a hand on her shoulder. "Jane, you're part of the family. If they had gotten you that day, you'd be in a detention center now and what would we have been able to do?" she said, her voice soft and sad.

Her eyes burning with the threat of tears, Lisa took a deep steadying breath. She was always so afraid to disappoint the Alenkos and kept waiting for the moment they would reject her, but it had never come. They'd accepted her like her own family never had. Still, she kept resisting them, avoiding any displays of affection, spending most of the time locked up in her room. She felt like if she gave in to Mrs. Alenko's love and care, if she admitted the woman was a mother to her, she would be betraying her own mom.

It was getting really hard to keep that up now.

In six weeks, she would turn eighteen and join the service. It was past time she changed her attitude. "Barbra…" It was a start. Despite Mrs. Alenko having asked her to call her by her first name countless times, Lisa had never done it before.

The older woman noticed the change and pulled her into a hug, which Lisa returned, blinking a few times to keep her tears from falling. "I'm sorry. I'll be more careful."

"At least I know you and Kaidan are looking out for each other. I was so proud. Brother and sister have to stick together."

Lisa felt like she had been slapped in the face. Was she supposed to see Kaidan as a brother? That thought hadn't even crossed her mind before now. She blanched, her body suddenly stiffening and making the hug quite uncomfortable. At the same time, her tool beeped and she practically jumped to check it, relieved she had an excuse to pull away.

_KaidanA.: Hey, I've just talked to Ma and… don't tell her we kissed, ok?_

"Jane, is something wrong?" Barbra frowned.

Shit! What was she going to do? What would Mrs. Alenko think if she found out about them? But, Lisa couldn't lose Kaidan now. He was the one good thing that had happened in her life in months, with the bullying she had endured, her expulsion from school, the neighbors being afraid of her, her trial and community service, and Emily moving to Toronto.

Mrs. Alenko was watching her with a suspicious look on her face. "Oh, my God! Kaidan had the same reaction when I told him he had to be a good older brother to you." The woman got up abruptly as realization dawned on her. "Whenever I saw you two together, I couldn't figure out what was going on. I guess I suspected, but I didn't want to believe it. I mean, you're just a child."

Pacing, Barbra pinched the bridge of her nose. "What did you…? Did he…? Oh, God, I'm a terrible mother."

"Mrs. Alenko, I don't know what to say."  _I think I'm going to be sick._  "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Oh, dear, please, don't go back to 'Mrs. Alenko.'" She sounded a little desperate. "I'm ruining this. I've always wanted to have a daughter but, after the accident… we didn't think it would be prudent to have any more children."

"I'm sorry," Lisa kept repeating. She really didn't know what else she could say.

"I should've seen this coming. Only... I thought I had taught my son better than this."

"Mrs. Alenko, please. Kaidan didn't do anything wrong. This is not your fault and it isn't his either. He didn't even like me when we met, but I… I think I fell for him. I kept trying to get his attention."

"That was why you dyed your hair, wasn't it?" Barbra halted her nervous pacing, her hand covering her mouth that was hanging open. "Oh, Jane, dear, I don't think I know how to deal with this."

I'm so sorry." Lisa was shaking as she spoke, her voice wavering. "It's all my fault." That was it. Her foster mother was probably regretting ever taking her in and she would have to stop seeing Kaidan.

Lowering her head, Lisa buried her face in her palms. Mrs. Alenko would never look at her the same way, Kaidan would never go out with her again, and Commander Alenko… What would he even think about all this, about her? Her life was ruined.

"Okay." Taking a deep breath and exhaling loudly, Barbra sat back down on the edge of the bed. "Does he feel the same way about you?"

Apparently, while Lisa hadn't been looking, Mrs. Alenko had decided to try a less panicky and more positive approach.

"I, uh… I don't know. I think he likes me. As a girl, not a… you know?" She couldn't even bring herself to say the word 'sister.' The way he'd kissed her, how it had made her feel; there was nothing innocent or fraternal about it.

"Jane, I need to know. How far did you…?"

"I'm seventeen, Mrs. Alenko. I'm not a child."

"Of course," Barbra agreed with a pointed look that said differently.

"But, we just kissed."

"Okay, dear. I'm sorry I overreacted." She smoothed Lisa's hair tenderly. "I have to go talk to Kaidan now."

"Mrs. A– Barbra, boys… when they see my face, they only give me a second look when they have some morbid curiosity and want to know how I got the scar. But, Kaidan… He doesn't mind, he doesn't think I'm ugly, and he even likes the way I smile. He's not afraid of me. Please, in six weeks I'll be joining the Alliance and I probably won't even live in Vancouver anymore. Just let me have this. Please."

With tears in her eyes, the older woman nodded and left the room.

Lisa immediately sent Kaidan a message.  _She knows. I'm sorry_ , it read.

* * *

Kaidan and Jane were her kids, and she still didn't think a romantic relationship between them was in any way appropriate, but she couldn't take anything away from a girl who had lost it all once already.

Not long ago, it had crossed her mind that something might be going on between the two of them, but she had shrugged it off, convincing herself she was being paranoid and overprotective. Maybe she just hadn't wanted to see it, even though it had been right in her face for quite some time now. Whenever Jane and Kaidan touched each other, it somehow seemed so intimate and passionate, even when it was an innocent gesture, like a handshake or a hug.

But, maybe there was no need for her to worry too much. That situation would sort itself out once Jane enlisted and moved out, right? It was probably just an infatuation anyway, since Jane was still young and Kaidan was smart, handsome, and older than her.

Now, Kaidan… If he just wanted to fool around, Barbra hoped he knew better than to get involved with someone as troubled as Jane. That girl didn't need to have her heart broken on top of everything else she had been through already. How far was Kaidan planning on taking this?

Sitting in front of the terminal in her room, Barbra was about to call him when she decided to talk to her husband first. Perhaps Rylan could help her figure out what would be the best way to deal with this.

It was earlier than the time they usually talked, and the commander appeared on her screen looking worried, probably noticing she was upset.

"Barb, is everything okay?"

"It's Kaidan and Jane, Rylan. I think they're dating."

"Dating? That's great news! So, he finally got over that ex-girlfriend of his? Rhonda?"

"Rahna."

"Moping around over that girl was doing him no good. It must've been one nasty break-up. I think he spent more time pining for her than actually dating her."

Barbra didn't know exactly what kind of reaction she had been expecting from her husband, but that was not it. He was not one to search for the bright side of things. If he had said it was good that Kaidan and Jane were dating, then it was because he really hadn't seen anything wrong with it. Was she overreacting?

"Look, I was going to tell you this later, but since you called… There's a big op coming up. I'll be commanding the SSV Einstein again. I won't be able to make it for your birthday; I'm sorry."

"It's fine, Rylan. Don't worry about it."

"I'll make it up to you."

She smiled. "I know." He was never home much but, whenever he could, he would always do his best to make up for his absence.

"Look, I can't really talk right now. Can I call you later, the usual time?"

"Sure. Stay safe, honey."

So, maybe it was not the end of the world that Kaidan and Jane were dating and it didn't mean Barbra had done something wrong as a parent, but she had to make sure Kaidan knew what he was doing. Jane had been through a lot of trauma and, emotionally, she was more fragile than she would let on.

"Ma, I'm not going to apologize." It was the first thing he said. Barbra figured Jane must have warned him. "And, I'm not going to stop seeing her either. We're not doing anything wrong."

"How do you feel about her?"

Looking surprised by her question, he opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out; he only stammered.

"You can't sleep with her, son," she continued before he could answer.

"Ma! I can't believe we're talking about this." He dragged his hands over his face, shaking his head. "Look, we're not brother and sister, okay? We're not even remotely related. She's been living with you for little over a year and, most of that time, I… I spent avoiding her." His expression saddened at the end, his tone losing its initial heat.

 _He likes her._  She saw it in his eyes. "You really do like her," she whispered, more to herself than to him, but he heard her.

"I… I do." He sighed. "Ma, I won't do anything irresponsible. I'll take care of her, you can trust me."

Her son was a decent man, she knew he was; she had raised him that way. It was just the oddity of the whole situation that had made her so unsure and worried about his relationship with Jane. But, yes, she trusted him. Kaidan wouldn't hurt that girl. Maybe it would even be the other way around; Jane would hurt him once she enlisted and went off to who knows where the Alliance would send her.

* * *

09/23/2171

Lisa told her probation officer, Mr. Flores, that she could work every day, six, even eight hours a day. She just wanted to get her fifty hours of community service over with before she turned eighteen, or it would delay the beginning of her training and military service. But, Mr. Flores seemed to really care about all the young offenders placed under his watch and wouldn't allow her to work more than four hours a day. As if to test her patience, he scheduled her to work only three times a week because, despite her claims that she was used to it, he considered the work she had been given too heavy.

For her, it really wasn't. She had been assigned to help with the maintenance of the many public parks in the city. Her chores involved raking dry leaves, trimming any leaves and branches that were invading the pathways within the parks, and pulling up any dead plants and planting new ones on their place. Except for the raking, which was really tiring and boring, all her other functions were pretty familiar to her.

Still, there was no convincing Mr. Flores to let her work longer hours. That left Lisa with a lot of free time on her hands. At Commander Alenko's suggestion, she joined a gym to take martial arts classes. He had told her several times that, if she ever wanted to go to the front lines, she couldn't rely solely on her biotics. Eventually, she would learn how to shoot, but it surely couldn't hurt to know how to fight, too.

Lisa also took up cooking dinner, so Mrs. Alenko could have her evenings free.

Ever since their talk, a few days earlier, Barbra hadn't mentioned Lisa's relationship with Kaidan again. Both women were clearly avoiding the subject, though Lisa knew that her foster mother had started to accept it to some level or Kaidan wouldn't have shown up for their date last Saturday.

They had gone to the movies, talked and had fun, but in order to not to cause another incident like the one at the Aquarium, they hadn't done much more than hold hands. Only when he was dropping her off, had they kissed.

It had been too little. She wondered if it would be like this every time. Maybe they should practice trying to better control their biotics when they were together; yet, it felt so good to let it out, to flare and let it burn. She decided that the next time they went out, she would suggest that they go to his place afterwards, so they could really be together without having to worry about holding back their biotics.

* * *

09/28/2171

In the afternoon, Kaidan showed up for his date with Lisa. This time, he had brought his bike, and Lisa was going to rent one from a bike stand at Locarno Beach, so they could ride together along the bike path on the English Bay. Trying to avoid the inevitable awkwardness that would come from the two of them being in the same room as Mrs. Alenko, they rushed out of the house.

Kaidan and his mom usually got along really well, and Lisa felt bad for causing this discomfort between them, but she couldn't just end things with Kaidan. Her whole life, she had been alone. Now, she had someone who wanted to be with her and she liked him, too; she wasn't going to give up on that. Even if the Alliance sent her off-planet, it didn't mean it would be the end for them, right?

He had asked her about her community service and they had been talking and riding for quite a while, when it started drizzling.

"It's raining," he said.

Lisa shrugged. "It's just a drizzle. I don't mind."

"Don't you think we should seek cover somewhere until it stops?"

"I was raised on a farm, Kaidan. Growing crops. I don't mind a little rain and mud."

"Yeah, but…"

"Oh! I see what's going on.  _You_  mind the rain, because it's going to mess up your hair." She gave him a cheeky smile and he blushed.

"No, I… uh…"

"Ha! I knew it!" Right now, he looked so embarrassed, she decided not to tease him further. "Okay, how about we go into that café across the street?"

"Sounds good."

They crossed the street and locked their bikes at the bike rack outside the café. Just as the drizzle was starting to turn into a shower, they got inside.

They found a table and ordered sandwiches and drinks. As they waited for the food, she held his hand over the table, intertwining their fingers.

"Kaidan, do you think we could go to your apartment after this?" He seemed a little taken aback by her question, so she hastily added, "You know, if it's not too late and you're not busy…"

"Jane, I— ah, I don't know if that's a good idea."

She frowned. "Don't you want more than just holding hands and a good night kiss?"

"Are you kidding me? Of course I want more. Gosh, Jane, you have no idea how you make me feel. It's just that…"

"We won't do anything you don't want to."

Kaidan laughed. "You know, you always do that..."

"Do what?"

"Say the things that I'm supposed to be saying. Like when I'm trying to comfort you and you end up comforting me instead. Don't you think I should be the one inviting you to my apartment and reassuring you that we won't do anything you don't want to?"

Lisa smiled, stroking his hand tenderly. "I trust you, Kaidan; you don't have to tell me stuff like that. But, I'll be enlisting in a few weeks and I don't know how often we'll be able to see each other, so… I wanted you to know that I'd like to spend more time with you while we can."

His eyes dropped, his expression turning sad. "Yeah. I guess I hadn't thought of that. I mean, I knew you were going to join the service, but… I hadn't realized that would be happening in less than a month."

Lisa took a look around, considering if it was safe to reach across the table and kiss him.

"We shouldn't. Not here," he told her.

It made her grin that he had figured out her intentions. "Can we go to your place, then?"

"Yeah," he agreed.

They didn't have time for anything else. That very instant, three masked men suddenly stormed the café, waving guns and yelling, "Everyone on your knees! Now! Keep your faces down and your hands above your head!"

What the hell? Even having her back to the men, she recognized the voice that had told them to get on their knees. She knew him.

Slowly, Lisa stood up with her hands in the air and turned to face the criminals. Kaidan was getting on his knees and muttered angrily under his breath, "Jane, what are you doing? Are you insane? They have guns!"

The men were wearing black ski masks, and she could see only their eyes and mouths, but she was pretty sure who two of them were. The third started coming towards her with his gun pointed at her chest and she felt the surge of dark energy in Kaidan. "Don't ," she told him urgently and he gave her an indignant look.

Her eyes locked with one of the guys she recognized and he told the one who was threatening her to stop and go watch the people behind the counter.

"Jarell?" she whispered her question to Ty — her friend from the orphanage who had apparently joined the same gang his older brother had been a part of.

 _Please, God, don't let Jarell be in some gang with them_.

Ty shook his head. "Alliance," he replied and she let out a relieved sigh. "Raj too."

"Can I go?" she asked, her voice low and careful.

He nodded and she reached for Kaidan, taking his hand in hers. Mano and Ty exchanged glances and she shot them a pleading look. A tense second went by until they nodded and Kaidan slowly got up on his feet. His body was glowing blue with his barrier and she squeezed his hand hoping he wouldn't try anything as Mano took a step towards her.

"Scar," Mano touched her arm lightly and she felt Kaidan tensing even more, "take care," he said.

She looked at him and Ty. "You, too."

Keeping a tight grasp on Kaidan, she turned around and hastily left the café with him. Once they were out on the street, they retrieved their bikes and started down the road under the pouring rain.

Only a block away from the café, he waved her to stop and they sought cover under the marquee of a closed shop. They dismounted from their bikes and leaned them against the wall. Kaidan was making a call with his tool but she stopped him, holding his arm. "What are you doing?"

"Calling the police."

"No. They let us go. Just leave it. Someone else probably called them already anyway."

"You're protecting them, those criminals? Are you mad?"

"Kaidan, it's not like that."

"Of course you are protecting them. You even know them! How come you know them, Jane?" He raised his voice and it wasn't only because the rain was heavy and loud around them.

"Calm down! I can explain."

He yanked his arm out of her grasp. "Why didn't you throw up a barrier? One of them was pointing a gun at you!"

"They were not going to shoot me!" she yelled back, losing her temper.

"That other guy, the one you didn't know, he could have!"

"Mano and Ty wouldn't let him."

"Mano and Ty? You have nicknames for them, your criminal buddies?" Kaidan raked his fingers through his hair, anger radiating from him. "For fuck's sake, Jane! They were armed!"

"They were my friends from the shelter. They wouldn't hurt me."

"How could you know? One of them called you 'Scar!' Do you think they care about you? Or anyone?"

"That's just a nickname. I don't mind. They were always good to me. They made living at the shelter bearable."

"What if they shoot someone in there?"

She didn't want to even think about that. "Kaidan, please, let's just go."

"No. You can go; I'm calling the police."

"You don't understand. They lived in the shelter their whole lives. They never had a family or someone who cared enough to teach them better. The shelter doesn't even give you a proper education and then they throw you out on the street when you turn eighteen and you're supposed to live on your own. Do you think they had a chance?"

"Are you trying to justify their actions? You think that because they had a rough childhood they have the right to point a gun in innocent people's faces?"

Kaidan was fuming. His fists were clenched and dark energy was burning around him. There was no way she was going to change his mind. Deep down, she knew he was right, but she couldn't see Ty and Mano as the bad guys he was making them out to be. They had been such good friends to her and, even after what had just happened at the café, she still wanted to believe they were the same kids that had laughed with her as she'd made them fly on the shelter rooftop.

She climbed on her bike. "Fine. Don't do anything crazy; just call the police, okay? I'm going home, I don't want to be here."

As she left in the pouring rain without saying good-bye, he didn't protest. He just let her go, both of them stubbornly avoiding giving each other another look until she had disappeared around the corner.


	13. Apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: PTSD episode (in the second to last line breaker)

_JaneS: Did you call the police?_

_KaidanA.: Yes._

_JaneS.: And?_

_KaidanA.: Your friends escaped before they got there_.

Lisa was relieved to know that, but she wasn't going to mention it to Kaidan. He wasn't going to be happy to hear it and he could probably figure out her feelings on the matter anyway.

_KaidanA.: That's what you wanted, isn't it?_

Yeah, he figured it out.

_JaneS.: It doesn't matter now._

_KaidanA.: Of course it matters._

_JaneS.: I let you call the cops, didn't I?_

_KaidanA.: You bought them time, arguing with me just to delay the call._

Now, that was kind of offensive and Lisa turned off her tool. She didn't want to talk to him anymore.

Several days went by without them contacting each other. If he was waiting for her to apologize, well… she wouldn't. In the end, she had let him call the police, like he had wanted to, so she didn't think she had anything to apologize for. It was not her fault that her friends had escaped. Or, maybe it was, because while insisting with Kaidan not to make the call, she really had bought Mano and Ty some time. Still, she hadn't done it intentionally and did not regret it.

* * *

10/05/2171

For the last three weekends, they had gone out together. This Saturday, despite their fight last time, she had still hoped he would call. During the whole day, every chirp of her omni-tool had sent her heart racing in her chest, and every time she had been disappointed when it had turned out be something else.

Night was falling and she was losing hope. She put on her workout clothes and went to run on the treadmill for a distraction. Her tool was left in her bedroom so she could resist the urge to keep checking it for messages every five minutes.

She kept increasing the speed on the treadmill, pushing herself past her limit. She wanted to run to exhaustion and then pass out in bed, so this day would be over quickly. When had she become so needy? For most of her life, she had barely had any friends, and never a boyfriend, but that had never been a problem for her. Now she had gone one week without talking to Kaidan and was feeling lonely and lovesick. This was ridiculous. She had to pull herself together.

Even though the AC was on, she was sweating. Her legs were starting to hurt, her breathing was labored, but she kept running. Taking off her tank top, she used it to wipe her face and neck and then threw it on the floor.

Her hair was damp, she was flushed, and the muscles in her legs were burning when she thought it was time to stop. Someone opened the door to the gym and came inside, the door sliding shut behind them. If she hadn't just slowed the treadmill to finish her training, she would have probably stumbled and fell, so surprised to see it was Kaidan. She hadn't expected him to show up like that, and she looked like a mess.

His eyes ran down her body and then back up, making her feel self-conscious in her sports bra and very short shorts. Covering the scar under her breast with her hand, she jumped off the treadmill before it had stopped and went scrambling for her discarded tank top. She turned her back to him as she put it on and, when she turned around again, he was rubbing the back of his neck, looking a little embarrassed.

"Hey, I… ah, I didn't mean to stare. Sorry I made you uncomfortable."

"I just wish you had told me you were coming. I would've showered and got dressed and—"

"Don't worry. You look fine."

"I seriously doubt that."

"You do. Trust me," he said with a smile. "And, I did call you, but—"

"Right. I left my tool in the bedroom when I came in here."

"I was wondering if we could talk."

"Sure." She led him to the bench next to the set of dumbbells, but decided against sitting by his side, since she probably stunk.

"Aren't you going to sit?"

"I think I should take a shower first. Can you wait? I won't be long."

"Jane," he got up and gently held her arm so she wouldn't leave, "I just want to work things out."

His touch made her shiver, the feel of his biotics raising goosebumps on her skin. She wondered if she would ever get used to this sensation, if one day touching him would stop feeling this intense. Honestly, she hoped it wouldn't.

Their eyes met and she found it very hard not to just kiss him and forget about everything else. But, shouldn't they apologize first?

He was probably thinking the same thing and, at the same time, they both opened their mouths to say it, but neither went through with it. They were quiet for a while, just staring at each other.

It seemed there weren't going to be any apologies then, and she didn't think it likely that one of them would come around on their opinions. So, now what?

"Maybe you could tell me about the orphanage and the friends you made there?" Thankfully, he had a plan B to try and make this reconciliation work.

They sat down together this time and she started talking. She told him about the cramped dorms and the poor education provided by the shelter—with all kids over eleven years old sharing the same classroom. She also told him how she had met Jarell, Ty, Mano, and Raj, and about her involuntary biotic display in the cafeteria that Jarell had provoked.

Kaidan was annoyed to hear this, but she assured him she was glad it had happened, because it had led to the only moments when she had had fun at the orphanage—and the first times she had laughed after the attack on Mindoir, but she didn't tell Kaidan that part–which had been when she and the boys had gone to the shelter rooftop for her to use her biotics.

She explained to him how usually no one wanted the older kids; that most couples would go there looking for babies and kids with rare traits, like blond or red hair and green or blue eyes. "With the scar, the biotics, my age, and uninteresting hair color, I was sure I would be there until I turned eighteen, you know? Jarell, Mano, Ty, and Raj thought so, too. That was why they allowed me to get close to them. After years there, never being chosen while there were always others getting adopted, I understand why they would shut everyone out." She looked down and let out a sad sigh. "When I told them I was leaving the shelter, that Mrs. Legrand had found me a home, they didn't take it very well. I never wanted to hurt them, but I did."

"Hey," Kaidan softly cupped her cheek, making her look up at him, "you couldn't have known my parents would want to foster you. What could you have done? You weren't going to just stay there."

"Yeah… and I guess that, eventually, they understood."  _Or, they wouldn't have let me go, or let me take someone out of there with me that day at the café. They still trust me and consider me a friend. Ty even told me to take care._  This thought brought a small smile to her lips, but it was gone when Kaidan pulled away and started staring pensively at a spot above her shoulder.

"Was this why you didn't want to call the police that day? You think you owe them something because you found a family?" he asked.

He was making an effort to keep his tone neutral and have a polite conversation instead of another argument, and she tried the same as she answered, "No. I owe them, but it's not because I was lucky enough to find someone who would take me in. They made me feel accepted, the first friends I'd had in a long time. You know, if I could have, I would have tried to talk Mano and Ty out of going through with the robbery, or even from joining a gang in the first place. They are good people–"

Lisa noticed Kaidan's lips were pressed into a thin line, his annoyance clear on his face as he resisted the urge to interrupt her and object to what she had just said.

"–and they deserved to have had better opportunities in life," she continued. "I know what they were doing was wrong, but they're still my friends and I don't think getting them arrested would be of any help."

Kaidan started to say something, but she cut him off. "And, since there was no other way I could help them at that moment, I decided to just not make things worse for them."

"What about all the people they were robbing? Did you think about them?"

He didn't look surprised when she didn't answer that. "So, where's this Jarell? I saw you ask for him and your friend said he had joined the Alliance, right? And the other one, too. Raj." He was losing his cool. Their make up conversation was going south.

"Yeah…"

"So, there is a choice. They all had opportunities, but the two of them still decided to become criminals and you're defending them! I know you don't have many friends, Jane, but some of them are not worth keeping. You have to draw a line somewhere. If they're pointing a gun at you, you're way past that line."

"You can either be a soldier for the Alliance or a soldier for a gang. What kind of choice is that? What if you don't want to fight? What if you don't want to be a fucking soldier? Do you think you can get a job when you can't even afford an omni-tool for people to contact you? Do you have any idea of what it's like to be alone, with nowhere to go and no means to survive? Do you know what it's like to live in a world where there is no one you trust, no one who even knows you or you know them?"

Only at the end did Lisa realize she was practically screaming. At some point, this argument had become about her, too.

"You'll never understand this, because you have everything. And you take it all for granted. You have a family, but you don't talk to your father and you spend months without coming here to visit your mother. You're the most intelligent person I know. You could go to a really good university if you wanted to, and your parents would gladly help you pay for it. You're also the most talented biotic I've ever seen. You could be in the Alliance, using your powers to help people. Instead, you're… you're…"

Lisa halted her rant short of calling him a spoiled brat and insulting him even more. It wasn't fair to him. His biotics had put him through hell, too, but he had turned out better than her, since he had been trying to do right thing while she had been drowning in double standards. Lowering her forehead to her palm, she took a deep calming breath. "Look, I'm sorry. I think I might have crossed a line there somewhere."

"You  _think_?" He snorted and shook his head.

She reached a hand to touch his, but he avoided her, his biotics flaring. "Don't," he hissed, getting up and walking away.

Before he could reach the door, Lisa caught up with him and grabbed his arm. "Kaidan, wait."

Her touch made his steady blue corona destabilize, dark energy crackling messily around him. He looked hurt and angry as he turned to her. "What?"

She said nothing. He hadn't deserved to hear the things she had just told him. She always avoided talking about her family, the attack, and its aftermath until she couldn't anymore and had these outbursts. On her bad days, the simple fact that someone had a parent or a brother was enough to awake in her the pettiest feelings of jealousy and envy. On her worst days, she stayed locked up in her room, angry at the world and hating everything and everyone.

He deserved better, so she just shook her head and let him go.

* * *

10/21/2171

On the weekends that followed, Lisa stayed locked up in her room. This Monday morning, when she came out, Mrs. Alenko asked her if everything was okay. The 'between you and Kaidan' part was implied. Of course the woman had noticed she hadn't gone out with him the past few weekends.

Lisa lied, saying that everything was fine. Even though Barbra had been really upset to find out about their relationship, Lisa had insisted on keeping it up. Now, she was too embarrassed to admit they were over already and that she had put Barbra through all that angst for nothing.

Mrs. Alenko wasn't buying it, looking at Lisa with a frown on her face. But, at least, she didn't ask any more questions.

This was Lisa's last day of community service. It was windy and she came home exhausted, her back and right shoulder hurting badly, from raking dry leaves for hours at Stanley Park. At least she had managed to serve her sentence before her eighteenth birthday.

Despite her dirty clothes and sweaty skin, she dropped into bed. A shower could wait.

She set her omni-tool to play a list of old country love songs she liked and closed her eyes. Emily used to tease her, saying she had terrible taste in music, but Lisa didn't care. These songs reminded her of Mindoir, of her family's farm, of her father when he picked up his guitar and played for them at night…

Lisa was half asleep when a song came on that made her think of Kaidan.

_It's your love_  
 _It just does somethin' to me_  
 _It sends a shock right through me_  
 _I can't get enough_  
 _And if you wonder_  
 _About the spell I'm under_  
 _It's your love_

_Better than I was_  
 _More than I am_  
 _And all of this happened_  
 _By takin' your hand_

_And who I am now_  
 _Is who I wanted to be_  
 _And now that we're together_  
 _I'm stronger than ever_  
 _I'm happy and free*_

She had been missing him badly these past days. If only they could sort this out some other way, or just forget this fight had ever happened… She considered calling him—he couldn't be so mad at her that he wouldn't be willing to at least talk—but she looked like a mess. She wasn't going to make a vid-call looking like that. With a tired sigh, she dragged herself out of bed and into the bathroom. Her right shoulder was so sore that she had to wash her hair with her left arm only. When she was done, she wrapped herself in a towel and went straight back to bed.

She imagined she still wasn't looking that good, but it would have to do. As she opened his contact on her tool and was about establish a connection, she noticed the date on the corner of her holoscreen. It would be her birthday in five days; they had run out of time. Once, she had thought they could still be together, no matter where the Alliance might send her. The Alenkos had been in a long distance relationship from the start, and they had always made it work. However, after their fights, she realized relationships were hard, even when you lived close to each other. She and Kaidan were not like the Alenkos, or any other couples she had ever known. They were both biotics who could barely control themselves around each other, thus, they couldn't even kiss in public. And, how many girls out there were friends with criminals and would try to talk their boyfriend out of calling the police to protect them? Not mention all her other issues, like her ugly scars, her nightmares, and all the things she had been hiding from him—including her real name.

It was best not to call him. He really was better off without her. And, he had probably already moved on.

* * *

10/23/2171

It was his mother's birthday. She had decided to not have a party this year, so Kaidan had called her and promised to stop by on the weekend with her gift. Barbra took the opportunity to ask him if everything was fine. She didn't say it, but he could bet she was talking about Jane and him. He just said he'd been busy, but that everything was okay. What had happened at the café, how Jane had reacted after running into those bandits that had turned out to be her friends, was not his story to tell. His mother wouldn't approve of her attitude, and would probably lecture her, and Kaidan didn't want Jane to think he had told on her.

The day of the robbery, after Jane had left, he had wondered if he should have gotten involved with her in the first place, since she would be leaving soon to join the military and, odds were, she wouldn't live in Vancouver anymore, maybe not even on Earth. However, he had been thinking about joining, too. He had seen how the Alliance had been there for Jane whenever she'd needed them. They valued biotics, and would give him a chance to grow and do something useful with himself. It sure seemed better than his dead end job at the shop. Plus, he would be joining on his own terms now, and not because his father had pushed him to do it.

There was a purpose in being a soldier. It was about doing what was right, protecting innocent people, and securing humanity's future in space. It was about preventing other colonies from having the same fate as Mindoir; it was about saving a girl who had lost everything and giving her a reason to live.

It was about, and for, this girl.

Only, she was incredibly stubborn and frustrating, and they weren't even speaking to each other anymore.

Kaidan lay down in bed, resting his head on his folded arms as he stared at the ceiling, thinking about how he could fix things with Jane. He still had no clue as to what to do by the time he fell asleep, much later.

* * *

10/26/2171

It was the middle of the night and Lisa woke up with a start. Someone was knocking on her door, a desperate voice calling her. The person came inside her room. It was dark; Lisa squinted, but couldn't see who was there. Her mind was foggy, still half asleep.

The lights were suddenly turned on and she closed her eyes instinctively to protect herself from the brightness. Her heart was racing in her chest as she stumbled out of bed. Was this her home on Mindoir? Were they being attacked? She felt like she was going to be sick and covered her mouth with her hand.

"Jane," she heard someone call. Who was Jane? Her name was Lisa, her mother was Hannah, and her grandmother was Louise. There were no other women in the house. Oh, God! Her grandma! Someone needed to help her out. They were under attack and had to move fast.

"Jane, you're shaking. Are you all right?"

Sucking in a deep breath, trying to keep herself from throwing up, Lisa tried to find her grandma's bed. Her eyes were finally growing accustomed to the light and, as she looked around, she realized she didn't know where she was. The room was spinning, or maybe it was her, and she fell on her hands and knees.

"Mom, Dad." She wanted to shout for them to help but it came out just a hoarse whisper.

"Oh, Jane, my dear, I didn't mean to scare you."

There was a woman by her side, helping her to her feet, and then sitting her down on the bed. Lisa looked at her, blinking a few times. It was not her mother. This was not her room on Mindoir. "You're… you're Mrs. Alenko."

"I'm so sorry, dear. I shouldn't have barged in here like this. I was so nervous, I wasn't thinking straight."

Lisa froze, only now realizing Barbra was crying. "Did I hurt you?"

"No, dear. It's Rylan. I've just received a call from Captain Hackett. Something went wrong during his mission. They won't tell me what it is. It's all classified."

Lisa was still feeling sick from whatever had just happened to her; how was she supposed to deal with this news, too?

"He was closer to Earth than Arcturus. They are bringing him to the hospital here," Barbra said, wiping nervously at her eyes.

"How bad is he?" Lisa managed to ask.

"I don't know. I tried to reach him on his tool, but there was no answer, and Hackett wouldn't tell me anything. Would you come with me to the hospital?"

"Of course. I just need a minute."

"Oh, God! I still have to tell Kaidan," Mrs. Alenko sobbed.

Lisa was going to put her hand over Barbra's to comfort and reassure her, but gave up when she noticed she was still shaking and her hands were cold as ice. She wouldn't be of any help if she didn't pull herself together. Right now, she needed to be strong for her foster mother, not give her one more thing to worry about.

When the older woman left for Lisa to get dressed, the girl rushed into the bathroom and locked the door behind her. She quickly turned on the shower so she wouldn't be heard, and barely had time to reach the toilet before the remains of her dinner came spewing out.

She retched a couple of times, until there was nothing left in her stomach. Feeling tired and weak, she didn't even undress as she went under the shower and sat on the tile floor, letting the hot water run over her.

* * *

His mother had scared the hell out of him when she had called him, crying, at three in the morning. She seemed calmer now when Kaidan found her in the waiting room at the hospital. Her eyes and nose were red and puffy, but at least there were no actual tears running down her face. She got up when she saw him and hugged him tightly.

Jane was slouched on a chair by her side, holding a hot beverage and looking somewhat like a zombie. He had never seen her skin so pale, and there were dark circles under her eyes. He read the 'hi' on her lips, since there was no sound actually coming out of her mouth as she had spoken.

He turned back to his mother. "How is he?"

"He went straight to surgery. They didn't let me see him."

Kaidan put his arm around her shoulders and they sat down together as she told him the little she knew about his father's condition.

After a few minutes, they were interrupted by the sound of Jane's cup hitting the floor, the quietness of the waiting room amplifying the noise. The girl scrambled to her feet, picking up the cup and running into the restroom as she frantically wiped her shirt where the liquid had spilled.

"She must have dozed off," his mother said. "I better go check on her."

Kaidan frowned, finding it odd that Jane would fall asleep while drinking coffee. "Don't worry, Ma. I don't think her coffee was hot anymore."

Barbra glanced at the door Jane had disappeared behind. "It's not just about that; something happened to her earlier today. When I woke her up, she seemed… disoriented. She was shaking and fell on her knees, calling for her parents." She sighed tiredly. "Son, I don't know why you two hid from me that you weren't dating anymore. But, with everything that is going on with your dad right now–"

"Ma, don't worry about us, okay? I'll go talk to her."

Barbra nodded in agreement and Kaidan went over to meet Jane as she was leaving the restroom. She looked like she could use some… food, rest, clean clothes, a friend… yeah, she was in pretty bad shape.

Kaidan asked her if she would like to go get something to eat at the hospital's cafeteria and she agreed. At this hour, the place was empty, and only the vending machines were working. They got snacks and drinks and sat down at a table together.

"Are you okay? Ma said you–"

"I'm fine. Just tired," she interrupted. "I think we should head back. The doctors might come back with news."

Kaidan stared down, pensively. He didn't even remember the last time he had talked to his father that hadn't ended up in an argument. What if something happened to him now? Would his last words to his dad be angry ones?

"Hey," Jane said. It was just one word, but enough for him to notice she was sounding much less defensive now. She knew something was bothering him. "The commander is tough, and I want to say that he'll get through this for sure, but… sometimes that doesn't happen. Not everyone gets a second chance."

She took a deep breath and went over to sit on the chair by his. "If he does, try to make things right with him. We never know when it's the last time we might see someone, and it really sucks when you try to remember the last moments you had together and all that comes to mind is angry yelling."

He didn't know much about her family, but he knew enough to figure out she was talking about her brother. "The commander is a good man, Kaidan," she continued. "If you have another chance, don't let it go to waste."

Her words weren't the most optimistic. There were no empty reassurances that everything would be fine—which wasn't surprising, given the tragic, abrupt way her family had been taken from her. She was so young, but already hardened by a life that had showed her little mercy.

"Whatever happens, I'm here for you, Kaidan. I hope you still consider me a friend." Her hand reached for his, slow and uncertain, testing if he would reject her touch. He didn't.

"I do. Thank you." Their eyes met and he slid a hand up her arm and pulled her into a hug. She was stiff for a second, but then she gave in. They both needed it, the contact, the warmth, and they clung to each other. He buried his face in the crook of her neck, his lips lightly touching her skin and making her shiver and lean into him.

As they began to pull away, Jane kissed him softly on the cheek. He inhaled a sharp breath and decided to stop their retreat. His hand went up to the back of her neck and he held her to him as his lips pressed to her cheek and the corner of her mouth, his kiss a little more forceful than hers. She turned then, just that one inch that was missing for their mouths to fully connect.

His tongue brushed her lips slightly. She tasted like candy from the sugary strawberry energy drink she'd just had. He pulled back and smiled at her. Their eyes locked and he kissed her again. "I missed you," he whispered against her lips.

"Kaidan…" Her tone was sad and it worried him. She tensed as she leaned back in her chair. "This is wrong. You're upset and worried about your father. You're vulnerable. I shouldn't have done this."

He could tell her the same thing. She was clearly not fine and, instead of talking to her about it, getting her to open up to him, he had talked about his own problems and then he had kissed her, too.

"Jane, I–"

"We should head back, stay with your mom. We can talk about this later, if you want."

He agreed, but he already knew where he would stand in that conversation, and he made it clear to her by lacing his fingers in hers and letting a wisp of dark energy twirl around their joined hands as they walked down the quiet hallways of the hospital. When she gave his hand a gentle squeeze and released a wisp of her own to mingle with his, he let out a relieved breath. A small smile crept onto his face, and they kept their hands entwined, only letting go of each other when they were about to enter the waiting room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Song  _It's Your Love_ , by Tim McGraw.


	14. Fireworks

10/24/2171 –  _Two days before the end of the last chapter_

The operation had been underway for months now. An N5 operative had gone undercover to work with a pirate group that had been targeting settlements and shipment vessels in the Exodus cluster. The N5's mission had been to find out how many pirate bases there were and where they were located, so the Alliance could launch a simultaneous attack to take down all their bases at once and end their operations for good.

Once all the information had been gathered by the operative, the Alliance had started to secretly monitor the pirate bases and had put several ships on hold, waiting for the right time to start the attack.

Under Rylan Alenko's command, the SSV Einstein had been assigned to take down the pirates' headquarters on Loki. The planet's inhospitable atmosphere and vast network of underground tunnels proved to be an excellent hideout. Any long-range attacks from orbit, or the surface, would be ineffective. They would have to go in on foot, infiltrate the tunnels, and fight the pirates to the last man, or at least until they could locate and shut down all the life-support systems that had been installed in the tunnels.

It was no simple mission, and Commander Alenko had put every single one of his marines on it, dividing them into two teams. He had decided to personally lead the first team and had let the head of his marine detail be in charge of the second.

Despite being caught by surprise, the pirates had been numerous and had known the layout of the tunnels better than anyone else. The marines had managed to advance, slowly and meticulously clearing that treacherous hideout, but not without taking casualties.

The last thing Rylan remembered was a pirate aiming a missile launcher, not at him, but at a weapons crate he had just passed by along with his team.

* * *

Nov/2171

Lisa wasn't surprised that Emily had been the only person in the galaxy to remember her birthday. Kaidan and his mother had too much on their minds with Commander Alenko hanging by a thread in the hospital.

At first, all they knew was that Rylan had been hit by some sort of explosion and had gotten buried under a collapsed tunnel. It was only on the next day that they had found out the extent of his injuries. The doctors had had to perform several surgeries; repairing a skull fracture that was causing a cerebral hemorrhage, removing shrapnel from his body, reconstructing one of his hands, growing and implanting skin where his had been burned along with his armor, and repairing broken ribs and a punctured lung.

He had been in an induced coma for weeks while going through all the medical procedures needed to save him. During all this time, his family had only been able to see him through a thick glass window that looked into his ICU room. When the doctors had begun to consider moving him to a regular room, he had gotten pneumonia, and the punctured lung the doctors had repaired at first ended up having to be replaced by a cloned one.

Lisa postponed her enlistment, so she could be there for her foster parents and help them through this hard time. Once the commander had been awakened from the induced coma and released from the ICU, she started taking turns with Kaidan and Barbra to stay by his bed at the hospital. His wife didn't want him to be alone since, during his waking hours, he was still experiencing confusion, trouble with his memory, lack of coordination, and other difficulties due to the head trauma he had sustained and was still recovering from.

* * *

12/04/2171

Kaidan arrived at the hospital to spend the night with his father. His mother was still there, and told him she could stay tonight so Kaidan could go out with his friends to celebrate his birthday. However, he didn't feel like celebrating and assured her she could go home and rest.

His father's room was small, but it had a couch that could be used as bed, a wheeled table, and a chair. It was late at night and the old man was fast asleep. Kaidan had turned off all the lights except for a lamp over the couch where he was sitting as he read the latest updates to Rylan's medical chart.

He had just put the pad away when Jane showed up there unannounced. He wasn't expecting her, but it sure was a nice surprise. Noticing the commander was asleep, she tried not to make any noise as she pulled the wheeled table closer to the couch and sat down by Kaidan's side.

"Happy birthday," she whispered and hugged him.

They still hadn't had a chance to talk and sort out their relationship, if they even had one, and what they were going to do about it. With this whole deal with his father, everyone had been worried all the time, always coming and going from the hospital, sending updates about his condition to each other, and there had never been time, or the right mood, to discuss the two of them. Tonight, it wouldn't be any different, but at least it seemed they would spend some time together and, for that, he was happy.

"How is he?"

Kaidan looked over at his father, his shaved head and new scars making him look different, older. His dosage of pain meds was still too strong and kept him sleeping most of the time. And, during his waking hours, he always seemed tired. His voice was hoarse; his hands were clumsy and weak. Kaidan had never thought he would see his father like this. His condition was improving a little each day, but it was a slow process.

"Getting better," he said. "They brought him soup for dinner and he ate it all by himself. It was a bit messy, but he did it."

"Using his right hand?"

"Yeah." It was the hand that had to be reconstructed, and Rylan was having trouble adjusting. He never complained, but Kaidan was sure it hurt, given the way his father grimaced whenever he tried to use that hand during his physical therapy sessions.

"That's great news, Kaidan." She smiled, and he nodded in agreement.

Jane retrieved a few things from a backpack she was carrying and set them on the table—a six-pack of Kaidan's favorite beer, plastic plates, forks and knives, and a white box. With a little more fumbling, she produced a birthday candle and a lighter. His curiosity got the best of him and he opened the box to find a small cake with messy blue frosting.

"I'm not good with decorations. Sorry. But, the cake is good. Red velvet."

"You made this?"

"Of course I did. From scratch. Told ya I could bake, didn't I?" She gave him a playful smug look.

"Red velvet with blue frosting?" He frowned.

"What? Are you the pastry police now? It's not like there's a rule that says red velvet cake can't have whichever color of frosting we like. Open your mind, Kaidan," she teased him, waving her hands in an exaggerated manner.

They laughed quietly and Kaidan grabbed the plastic knife to cut the cake, but she stopped him. "Candle and wish first."

He watched her as she lit the candle and settled it on the cake and thought that he already had one of his wishes come true—to find a girl who understood and accepted him, who was not afraid, who was a friend and a partner. As she looked back at him, he smiled at her and did make one wish when he blew out the candle: for his father to get better.

The cake was delicious and proved to be no match for their biotic appetites. They ate whole thing in minutes. Kaidan finished first and eyed her last piece greedily.

Pulling the plate protectively closer to her, she turned away from him. "Mine."

"C'mon, I just want a small bite."

"No."

"Please?"

She glanced at him and he made his best puppy eyes look at her. "Damn you, Kaidan. Biotics don't share food," she grumbled, but fed him with the chunk of cake on her fork.

He let out a pleasured moan as he ate it, a cheeky grin on his face. "You really can bake, Jane. What do I have to do to get another one of these?" he asked, his mouth still full.

Her plate was now empty, and she settled it on the table as she turned back to him, covering her mouth to muffle her laugh. She had a witty reply ready for him, but it died on her lips as she realized how close they really were to each other. He had scooted over to steal her cake, and now he had one arm stretched over her backrest and the other on her knee.

Kaidan swallowed and pulled away, flushing with embarrassment. They should have talked about this, about them. He knew what he wanted, but he wasn't sure if she wanted the same.

"Beer?" she offered, and he was thankful that she had spoken before the silence had gotten too awkward.

They each picked one, popped them open and toasted quietly. "How did you get it?" he asked her.

"What do you mean? I bought it."

"Yeah, but how?" At her look of confusion it dawned on him that it would be no trouble for her to buy alcohol, because she had already turned eighteen. He had completely forgotten about her birthday. "Fuck, Jane. I'm sorry. It was in October, right?"

"It's okay, Kaidan. It was the day your father checked in here. You'd barely had any sleep. You were tired and worried; I don't mind." She shrugged.

He looked down and shook his head. "I should've remembered. You're doing all this for me and now I feel like an asshole."

"Hey," she ran a hand through his hair and then cupped his face, making him look at her, "it's fine."

His hand covered hers on his cheek, holding her to him. "So, uh… you're not leaving? I thought you were joining the service."

"I am, but I've decided to wait until the commander gets better. Your mother could use the help."

"I guess. Thank you. You didn't have to do this."

"Yeah, I did." She smiled, and he leaned in to touch his forehead to hers, his hand sliding to entwine in her hair.

"Jane, can I… I want to…"

She sucked in a shuddering breath and gave him the slightest nod. His lips met hers and their biotics began to crackle. They kissed slowly and softly, trying not to making any noises that could disturb his father, and holding back the discharge of dark energy so they wouldn't light up the room. Still, the urge to deepen the kiss was driving him insane.

Jane must have been feeling the same, because she reached for the cover he had brought to spend the night on the couch and pulled it over them. Instantly, her lips parted and their tongues touched; their biotics enveloping them as they got lost in each other.

He wanted to lower her onto the couch, slide his hands under her shirt and feel her bare skin. Then, he would trail kisses down her neck, get rid of her shirt, unhook her bra and… God, his father was right there. This was not the time for them to be doing this.

She slid her legs across his lap as she pulled him to her, seeking a better angle and more contact, and he realized he already had his hands under her shirt and was halfway to laying her down under him on the couch.

"Jane…" It sounded more like a moan and not at all like he meant for them to stop. He cleared his throat and tried again. "We can't. We have to…"

"… I know." She took in a deep breath as he blew out a frustrated one and, grudgingly, they pulled apart.

Getting up, she straightened her clothes and smoothed her hair. "I guess I should go."

He wanted her to stay and, if he asked, she probably would, but the couch was too small for both of them to sleep on and it was killing him as it was to have her there but having to hold back. Plus, she was getting the morning shift with his dad and deserved a good night's sleep.

"I'll be back at six so you can stop by at home before you go to work."

He nodded. "Thank you."

* * *

12/24/2171

The commander was back home by Christmas Eve. After everything that had happened, and to Barbra's relief, he was thinking about an early retirement. The Alliance had even offered him an honorable discharge after the doctors had declared him physically incapable of resuming his previous functions.

Barbra was happy to see he was already making plans for his retirement, including buying land in the country and finally having an orchard, like he had always wanted to; like his grandmother used to have in Singapore, where he'd grown up.

The woman watched as her small family took their places at the table for their Christmas dinner and her eyes welled up with tears. It was terrible that Rylan had gotten so badly hurt, but at least it had brought them closer together. Kaidan had been at the hospital every day to see his dad, had spent many nights with him, had given him moral support during his physical therapy sessions, had helped him feed and bathe when he had been too weak to do it by himself. Father and son had been fighting for so long, years, and now they were finally on good terms again. Barbra could hardly believe it.

There was also Jane. The girl had delayed her enlistment just to help them take care of Rylan. Barbra hadn't asked her to do it. She had understood, and was even expecting Jane would go away the week after her birthday, but the girl had stayed. Jane was the piece that had been missing to make the Alenko family whole; the only one who had managed to break through to Kaidan, tear down the walls he had built around himself after BAat, and put a smile back on his face.

Her two kids were always discreet in front of others and did not comment on their relationship, but Barbra knew they were together again—the same way she had known when they had been apart a couple of months ago. She could see the complicity in their eyes when they exchanged glances, the genuinely content smiles that they did not share with anyone else, and the touches, light, small, but constant.

Barbra was sure they loved each other. It was not on the way she had expected they would, but it was still honest and beautiful. They seemed happy together, and, so, she was happy for them.

* * *

12/31/2171

Like last year, Kaidan asked Jane out to Ambleside beach on New Year's Eve. Only, this time, it would be just the two of them. They were going to watch the fireworks together and carry on the "tradition" of having a beer on the beach that he had made up to cheer her up last year.

Although Ambleside beach was usually quiet, because of the occasion, it was quite busy tonight. Luckily, Kaidan managed to find them a nice spot, and laid out a blanket for them on the sand. They each picked up a beer from their six-pack, opened them, and clinked the bottles together before taking a swig.

The night was cold and windy. Kaidan remembered Jane saying her shoulder hurt on days like this. He noticed she kept rolling it, despite the three layers of clothing she was wearing, and he couldn't help thinking how much he would like to take her somewhere warmer and take care of her. Somewhere where he could lay her down in bed, rub a pain relief cream on her shoulder, maybe give her a massage and kiss her until she felt better.

"God, Kaidan… if you keep looking at me like that I'm going to kiss you and we're going scare everyone away from this beach for the second year in a row."

Flushing, he rubbed the back of his neck and looked over at the ocean. He hadn't even noticed he had been staring. "Sorry." His voice came out so low and husky, he cleared his throat before continuing. "I didn't mean to—"

"It's okay. I just wish we could be together whenever we felt like it. I wish…"

"We were normal?"

"No, I wish people just didn't mind the biotics. Weren't afraid. Didn't think we're crazy or violent and might hurt them just because we'd flared." Under her breath, she muttered, "Damned  _muggles_."

Kaidan heard her and laughed. The reference was very appropriate. "This is not a biotic thing, Jane. I have no problem controlling myself around other biotics. This is you… us."

Their eyes locked for a moment, until she licked her lips and his gaze dropped to her mouth. "Damn it, Kaidan," she grumbled as she leaned in, closing the distance between them.

He put his arms around her and they kissed for a few seconds, just until the surge of dark energy got too strong and wild for them to be able to keep it in check and then they hastily pulled away to avoid flaring.

Kaidan took a deep breath and opened his second beer. This was getting really frustrating and there was still some time until midnight. They needed a distraction to help them keep their hands off each other.

"I've been thinking about joining the military," he said, remembering he hadn't told her about it yet. Also, it was a safe subject, one that most likely wouldn't lead to making out and flaring.

"Really?"

"Yeah. You were right, you know? With the biotics, I could do some good in the service. And the Alliance values people like us. No one else does."

Jane nodded in agreement. "Have you told your parents yet?"

"I talked to Pa about it while he was in the hospital. He was happy to hear it. Apparently, almost getting killed was not enough to change his appreciation for a military career." Kaidan smiled.

Jane did not share his amusement. She broke eye contact, her expression turning sad. "I should have told you earlier. I've enlisted already, on Thursday."

That was what she wanted, wasn't it? Then, why was she looking upset? "I thought you would once Pa was back home. If you'd told me, I'd have gone with you."

"I had no idea you were considering joining."

"I wish I had told you sooner, too, but things were so crazy with Pa in the hospital… When do you start basic?"

"January 6th."

"That's next week."

She nodded.

"Here?"

"Arcturus."

So that was why she was looking sad, then. What did that mean for them? Was there even a 'them' to begin with? They still hadn't talked about it. And, now that she wasn't his parents' responsibility anymore, she didn't have to ever come back to Vancouver if she didn't want to. "You weren't going to tell me?"

"I just did."

Kaidan rolled his eyes. He would have said something if the people on the beach hadn't been already getting up and beginning a countdown to midnight.

9, 8, 7…

Jane stood up, too, and held out a hand to him.

… 6, 5, 4…

He took it and didn't let go as he got to his feet. They intertwined their fingers and held each other's gaze as they finished counting.

… 3, 2, 1!

The fireworks started just as everyone was shouting, "Happy New Year!" All the  _muggles_  around them be danmed, there was no way he wasn't going to kiss her now.

He pulled her into his arms and their mouths met with lips already parted, both eager to taste each other. The kiss escalated quickly, their hands roaming frantically, trying to find skin underneath all those layers of winter clothing.

Suddenly, she broke contact and took a step back, holding his arms to stop him, and he panicked. Had he done something wrong? Something she didn't want? Had he crossed a line with her without asking, without even noticing?

"Let's go back to your apartment," she said, and he let out the breath he'd been holding.

He thought of what this could mean, of all the implications… "Are you sure?"

Her lips curled into the most beautiful crooked grin ever, and he knew what her answer would be even before she voiced it.

"Yeah, I'm sure," she said, and despite the loud pounding of his heart in his ears, he heard her reply loud and clear—and read it on her lips, and saw it in her dark chocolate eyes—and, for a split second, he forgot it was New Year's Eve and thought the fireworks were only for them.

In the blink of an eye, they got rid of the empty bottles and picked up the blanket and headed out to his apartment. It might be past midnight but, for them, the night had just begun.


	15. Love

At school, Lisa had learned about sexual organs and reproduction and it had all seemed very unappealing. Of course, there had been novels she had read and movies she had seen that had sex scenes in them, and these had definitely been more interesting than her classes. Also, Emily had told her about it when she had slept with her boyfriend for the first time, but Lisa had been embarrassed to ask too many questions. So, overall, Lisa didn't think she knew much about sex.

The idea of a guy looking at her naked body was something that made her uneasy. Her scars were not easy on the eyes. And, if even before she'd gotten those awful marks, she'd never had a boyfriend, after them, she'd been sure she would never have one. That was, until she had met Jarell. He was nice and cute and funny and he'd thought she was pretty the way she was. He'd even kissed her.

Now, there was Kaidan. He was so handsome, athletic, and smart, and, if not for Emily encouraging her, Lisa would never in a million years have thought she had a chance with him.

Lisa remembered when she and Kaidan had gone on that date at the Aquarium, how eagerly his hands had slipped under her shirt as if he couldn't help it, as if he couldn't resist not touching her. His fingers had felt amazing on her skin; caressing, exploring, getting so close to her breasts, but always stopping short of actually touching her there. His knee had slid between her thighs, their bodies pressed together, as he had kissed her against a tree, and it had felt incredible.

That very night, she had dreamed of the two of them going further in their make out session, hands roaming freely, hastily undressing each other like in the movies. In her dream she had been perfect, unmarred, and he had whispered her real name as he had entered her. She had awakened right after that, panting, feeling hot and with her biotics burning. Lowering a hand to press against her center, she'd rubbed herself and it'd taken her only a few seconds until she was seeing stars, her body trembling from head to toe. Then, it had felt like all the tension had left her body and she had wanted nothing but to stay in bed for a while longer, just enjoying that sensation.

* * *

Arriving at his apartment brought her back to reality. Dream sex with Kaidan had been perfect, but the real thing was bound to be awkward, to say the least. What if it hurt? Was he aware that she had never done this before? She should tell him. What if she was bad at it? For all she knew, she could be. And, what if he didn't find her attractive? The scar under her breast, where the bullet had been lodged, was damn ugly.

After removing her coat, she decided to take off her sweater, too; it was warm and comfortable, but definitely not flattering. Thankfully, her dark skinny jeans and the form-fitting white t-shirt she had underneath didn't look so bad.

While he went over to the kitchen to get them drinks, she sat down on the couch in the living room and took a moment to just breathe and try to relax.

"So, I've got energy drinks, juice, coffee, water…" he yelled from the kitchen.

"No whiskey or beer?"

"Well, yeah, but I don't want to get you drunk."

Jane rolled her eyes, but did not argue. "Fine. I'll have whatever you're having."

He came back with a sexy smile on his face, holding two glasses that she couldn't care less about their contents, and looking gorgeous without his coat in a dark blue t-shirt and washed black jeans.

She extended her left arm to pick up one of the glasses from him, but his smile turned into a frown and he didn't give it to her, setting both glasses on the coffee table instead. "You're not using your right arm. You're in pain, aren't you?"

"No," she lied.

"On the beach, you kept rolling your shoulder. I saw it."

"I'm fine."

"Really? Then raise your hand," he said, standing in front of her with his arms crossed. "Above your head," he added, and she scoffed. "The fact that you're not doing it is confirmation enough."

She grumbled a curse word and, with a sharp intake of breath, she did as he had asked. Her shoulder was hurting indeed and she only held her hand up for a split second, gritting her teeth to hold back a grunt of pain as she lowered it again.

He had a concerned look on his face and she tried to reassure him she was fine, but he wasn't buying it. "You should get that checked again."

"Yeah."

"I mean it. Shouldn't it be healed by now?"

"Look," Lisa lowered her head, dragging her fingers through her hair, "it's complicated. A lot of muscle and tissue was destroyed. It was the middle of the night when I got shot. I can't tell what time it was when the commander found me, but…"she rubbed her eyes nervously, and spoke in a hurry so her voice wouldn't falter, "it was daytime already. Then, there was the trip to Arcturus. They gave me first aid in the shuttle, but there was only so much they could do, since there were no doctors in the crew. By the time I got to the hospital, the wounds were badly infected and that's why the scars are so bad." She ran her nails a bit too roughly on the scar tissue on her cheek, the healthy skin around it turning red.

"Jane…"

"The doctors did all they could. The muscle and nerve damage was extensive, especially in my shoulder." God, why did she have to get into that? Kaidan was looking like he was going to cry, she was feeling miserable, and the mood was completely ruined. "I don't want to talk about it, okay? Maybe I should go."

He hastily sat by her side and held his hands in hers so she wouldn't leave and would stop scratching her scarred cheek. "Jane, I'm sorry. I didn't know and I didn't mean to upset you. Please, stay."

"Kaidan, I…"

He raised his hand to gently run his thumb over her scar and then he softly pressed his lips against it. "I just wanted to help."

Lisa closed her eyes and nodded. "I know."

"Can I at least try to make it better?"

"Mm-hmm."

Kaidan smiled and gave her a peck on the lips. "Okay, then. Turn around, put your legs up on the couch and keep your back straight."

She followed his instructions and he turned, too, so that her back was against his chest. Out of habit, she took off her shoes and socks before putting her feet on the couch—her mother had always scolded her and Jeremy whenever they had lain down on the couch in the dirty shoes they had been wearing out on the farm.

Kaidan was looking at her a little surprised, so, apparently, that was not a rule at the Alenkos. Lisa wouldn't really know, because she had never put her feet up on Barbra's white couch when she'd had shoes on.

She was about to ask if she shouldn't have taken them off when Kaidan got rid of his. He kept one foot on the floor and pulled the other leg up to her side in such a way that she was sort of sitting between his legs.

Lisa didn't know what to do with her arms. Would it be okay if she rested them on his thighs?

"Hey, relax," he said, and she took that as a yes to her unspoken question.

The next thing she felt was his hand on her bad shoulder, fingers sure but gentle, massaging her sore muscles. His other hand was on her hip, and she wished he was touching her bare skin and not over the fabric of her shirt.

The massage was wonderful and she couldn't help the moan that escaped her when his fingers eased the tension out of an especially painful spot, making it better.

"God, Jane…" he whispered in response, his husky voice sending shivers down her spine. "Don't do that."

He pushed her hair out of the way to fall over her left shoulder, and she felt his breath blowing warm against the nape of her neck. Heat was pooling low in her belly at his closeness, the warmth of his body, his touch.

His fingers ran softly up and down her neck. It didn't look like a massage anymore, just a caress. It felt too damn good and she covered his hand that was on her hip with hers and guided it under her shirt.

He leaned in to plant kisses on her neck, fingers curling around her waist. His other hand snaked under her shirt, too, and she tightened her grip on his thighs, squeezing him as their biotics erupted.

Their hands met on the hem of that annoying piece of clothing, both wanting to get rid of it. She raised her arms, her bad shoulder not so bad anymore, and he pulled it off of her. He removed his own shirt, too, and she leaned back against his chest.

He slipped a finger under each strap of her bra, sliding them down to fall over her arms, before caressing and kissing the exit wound mark on her back from the shot she had taken to the shoulder.

She shivered as she felt his breath hot on her ear. "Can I take this off?" he asked, his fingers trailing down to find the clasp of her bra.

Not trusting her voice right now, Lisa just nodded.

He unhooked it and slowly pushed it off her, hands skimming lightly down her arms and raising goose bumps on her skin.

Only now, she noticed his hands were glowing brighter than the rest of him; the dark energy concentrated in his fingers making her even  _more_  sensitive to his touch— as if it wasn't already too intense without that extra effort on his part.

Her head fell back to lean on his shoulder as his lips found her throat, kissing and nipping. He enveloped her with his strong arms and crushed her against him. She felt his arousal straining his pants and ground against him, making him gasp.

His hands were on her, roaming her body, the pace torturously slow, until he reached her breasts. He cupped them gently, his thumbs rubbing her already hard nipples… God, he was going to kill her like that. She wanted to turn around and pounce him. But, the lights were on and she had those scars…

Suddenly, he stood and went over to face her. Her hands immediately shot up and he thought she was going to cover her breasts. Instead, she was covering her scars, one hand on her shoulder and the other under her breast.

He looked into her eyes as he took her hands in his and gently pulled them away from her beautiful body. "You are perfect," he told her, still holding her gaze.

She flushed and broke eye contact, a shy smile creeping onto her face. But, he knew she believed him because, when he guided her into his bedroom, he nodded towards the light switch, leaving the choice for her to make, and she chose to leave the lights on.

His mouth went dry as she shimmied out of her tight jeans and, then, she proceeded to unbutton and unzip his pants when he had just stood there, unable to move and take his eyes off her. She really was perfect.

Taking her in his arms, he kissed her deeply, their tongues finally meeting, fighting hungrily and making sparks of blue fly and gravity shift around them. She wound her arms around his neck as he backed her towards his bed. He settled between her already parted legs as she lay on her back, lowering his body to cover hers, their mouths still connected.

Her hands ran down his back, fingers tentatively slipping under the waistband of his boxers to find the curve of his ass. His body was beautiful, strong, with toned muscles all over. He could probably get any girl he wanted and here he was, with her. She could hardly believe it.

She was going to protest as he slid down, his fine ass now out of her reach, but then she felt his stubble lightly grazing the sensitive skin of her breast and a pleasured moan was all that came out of her mouth. His rich lips closed around her nipple, sucking and teasing it with his tongue as he palmed her other breast.

"Kaidan…" she breathed.

Every little sound she made was so damn sexy, she was driving him crazy. His fingers ran lightly over the scar under her breast and she tensed. The bullet had been in there for too long. The mark was broader than the one on her shoulder, the skin more jagged.

He pressed tiny kisses to it. "Perfect," he reassured her, and continued his way down her belly, kissing and licking her soft skin.

Hooking his fingers on the sides of her panties, he was ready to take them off her, but she stopped him. "Wait." She propped herself up on her elbows to look at him, worrying her lower lip between her teeth. "Kaidan, I… I've never done this before."

"Hey, it's okay. We can stop if you want." It would kill him to stop right now, but if she wasn't sure she was ready, he wasn't going to insist. He remembered how it had been the first time he and Rahna had had sex. Neither of them had had any experience at all and they had been really nervous. It had been messy and awkward and probably not that good for her. But, in time, they had learned and gotten better at it.

"No, that's not it. I want to do this. I want it to be with you."

Hearing this made him smile; he was a lucky man.

"I'm just worried that I might not know what to do. That I won't be good and…" She trailed off as he lowered his head again to kiss her stomach and navel.

"Shhhh," he whispered against her skin. "Don't worry about me, Jane. Let me do something for you first. Trust me, okay?"

She nodded and, as he began sliding down her underwear, she closed her legs and raised her hips to help him get rid of it.

Putting his hands on her knees, he pushed her legs apart and felt her shiver as his fingers ran down the inside of her thighs. His lips followed, kissing one side and then the other, burning a path to her center. And, then, he stopped right there, his breath blowing warm against her folds. She wanted so badly for him to touch her; the anticipation was making her pulse quicken. When he finally did, it was with his tongue, and a throaty whimper escaped her.

Her biotics spiked under his ministrations, igniting his like a lit match to gasoline and causing pillows and their discarded clothes to shift. Objects were knocked off his nightstand and crashed onto the floor. Datapad? Alarm clock? He couldn't care less. It felt amazing not having to worry about controlling the discharge of dark energy and he just let it run rampant.

She threaded one hand in his hair, the other grasping the sheets as he slipped a finger inside her. He groaned to find her so hot and wet. His mouth was still on her, sucking, licking, tasting her. His name fell from her lips in between lustful moans as she came, her body writhing and trembling in his hands.

Kaidan pulled away for a few seconds just to take off his boxers and crawled back in bed, hovering over her. Her eyes traveled down his body, a hand hesitantly following. "Show me how to… you know, do the same for you?" she asked.

Her fingers brushed his erection and he gasped. They would have to leave that for another time. Right now he needed to be inside her. "I will. Next time, okay?"

He cut off her reply with a searing kiss that she returned with the same eagerness. Her fingers closed around him, glowing brighter than the rest of her. She was concentrating dark energy in her hands like he had done when he was caressing her. She learned fast, and it felt way too good; he wouldn't last very long.

Kaidan grasped her hand and pinned it above her head as he lowered his body onto hers, his erection pressing against her stomach. "Next time," he uttered, and she smiled mischievously.

With his free hand, he reached for the drawer on his nightstand.

"I'm on birth control," she said, noticing he was getting protection.

"You are?"

She took his hand in hers and guided his forefinger to feel the tiny bump of the contraceptive implant under the skin on the inside of her left arm. "In one of those mandatory medical appointments I had to attend, the doctor gave it to me."

Kaidan frowned and rolled off to her side. That seemed odd. "Jane, this... did you ask for it?"

Well, not exactly. The doctors didn't think it was safe for biotic women to have children and gave her the implant, saying it was a precaution. She didn't protest, because she had never given that matter any thought, so she honestly had no opinion on it. Plus, at some point during those endless medical appointments, she had stopped caring about what was being done to her and had just kept it to herself as they'd pushed her around and run their tests.

Being a biotic, too, Kaidan surely was familiar with doctors that looked at them as if they were lab rats and not actual patients. No doubt he had endured his share of prodding and poking at hospitals. So, Lisa understood why he would be worried if the contraceptive implant had been her choice or an imposition.

"Not now," she replied. There was no way she was going to start talking about that. It would ruin the mood. Those doctors had been too much of a pain in her ass already; she wasn't going to let them ruin this, too. This night was going to be perfect. She deserved it. She would have this memory — happy, wonderful, unblemished — to take with her when she shipped off to Arcturus.

To make sure he would drop it, she drew him in for another kiss. He gave in, and she took advantage of his distraction to push him flat on his back on the bed and straddle him.

The message was clear—she didn't want to talk about it. He filed it away for later, but couldn't help wondering just how much he didn't know about her. What else had she gone through that she hadn't told him? Why was it always so hard to get her to share anything.

She reached a hand between them to grasp his length, making his breath hitch. Tentatively, she stroked him; her gaze on his face, watching his reaction to see if she was doing it right.

It had been some time since he had slept with anyone and she sure was testing the limits of his self-control. But, he couldn't resist covering her hand with his and showing her how to do it the way he liked it, the pressure, the pace… Damn! She really was a fast learner and he was about to burst.

In one swift movement, he flipped them over so he was back on top. She spread her legs invitingly and he positioned himself at her entrance.

"Jane, I want this to be good for you. I don't want to hurt you, but the first time—"

"I know. I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm ready. I want this, Kaidan."

Holding her gaze, he began to slide inside her. Just the tip at first and then slow, shallow thrusts while her body learned to accept him. When she grasped his back and urged him on, he didn't resist her and pressed in more firmly until he was fully sheathed inside her.

With a sharp intake of breath, she arched into him, her short nails biting into his skin. He held as still as possible, giving her some time for the pain to wane and for her body to adjust, while he kissed her throat and murmured sweet nothings in her ear.

When he started moving, the pleasure was so intense he almost couldn't bear it. She was so tight, warm, and wet; it was heaven. In no time, she was rolling her hips to meet his thrusts, her legs and arms wrapped around him. He stroked in and out of her, faster each time, harder.

She drew her legs up, closer to her to her body and he sunk even deeper into her. It was perfection and they moaned in unison. Her orgasm hit her like a shockwave and his immediately followed as she cried his name, her velvety walls clenching around him. Their biotics were burning like a wild fire, making their skin tingle, enhancing the sensations, making it last longer.

Panting, he lowered his forehead to hers, breathing in her scent. This was it. Her. She was all he'd ever wanted. He had never felt so… happy, sated, whole, in love.

"I love you," they both said breathlessly, at the same time, and laughed as they realized it. They were one. And cheesy as hell.

They pressed their lips together and, for once, there was no urgency in their kiss. It was slow, serene, tongues tangling lazily as they enjoyed that rare moment of pure bliss.

He rolled over to her side and pulled her to him. She rested her head comfortably on his chest and sighed. Ever since the attack on Mindoir, she had never felt this much at peace. Now, no matter what else life threw at her, she would have this one perfect memory to hold on to. This was what was going to keep her sane the next time the galaxy was out to get her. Him. Coming back to him. She had a home again.

He brushed the sweaty strands of hair that were clinging to her face and neck. "Would you like to take a shower?"

"Yeah. Shower would be great."

"With me?"

She raised her head to look at him, a wicked smile on her face. "Even better."


	16. Marines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Remember the vid-calls from the first chapter? I'll be using that format again to move story forward whenever Kaidan and Lisa are in different locations.
> 
> \- Here's how the Marine Corps of the Alliance Military works in the 22th century (it's a mix of USA, United Kingdom, and my country's actual military. I took from each of them what I think is going to work best for this story):
> 
> After the recruits pass the PFT (Physical Fitness Test), there are twelve weeks of Recruit Training (also called Basic or boot camp). They're trained by DIs (Drill Instructor). After they graduate, there are six weeks of SOI (School of Infantry) for non-biotics, or eight weeks of AIT (Advanced Individual Training) for biotics. In the end, the marine's class or MOS (Military Occupational Specialty) is defined. The training that comes afterwards and how long it lasts depends on the MOS.
> 
> Every recruit or soldier who hasn't made it to Officer is assigned a bunk in the barracks. Officers get a private room or even a small apartment (depending on their rank) in the base where they are serving, if available. If not, they get a bunk. Housing allowance to live outside the base is only for officers who are married, have dependents, or are higher rank.

* * *

Kaidan was slowly coming out of his slumber, his skin still tingling from being close to Jane and her biotics for so long. He stretched out his arms and yawned lazily. Grinning, he looked over to his side, only to frown when he found out he was alone in his bed. He sat up abruptly and called her name when he noticed it wasn't even warm anymore where she had been lying.

There was no answer. The objects that had fallen off his nightstand had been picked up and her clothes were nowhere to be seen; there was no sign that she was still there.

Slipping on the first pair of pants he could find, Kaidan went looking around his apartment for her, confirming that she really was gone. He put on his tool and realized it was past ten in the morning. He was starving; she'd probably been, too. Maybe that was why she'd left.

He decided to call her to make sure everything was okay and invite her to have lunch with him. After a few tries, he gave up; she wasn't answering. Kaidan replayed the events of the past night in his head, trying to figure out if he had done or said something wrong, but couldn't think of anything. She'd seemed so happy and she'd said she loved him. It had been better than he could have ever imagined.

He waited all day, but she didn't call him back. At night, he could still catch the lingering scent of eezo in his bedroom and his pillow still smelled like her. He was used to sleeping alone, but his bed had never felt this big and empty before.

The next morning he woke up with her name on his lips. Even setting the shower on the lowest temperature wasn't helping when all he could think of was how he had taken her in his arms and made love to her in there. The way her breasts had felt pressed against his chest, her shapely legs wrapped around him, her needy moans as she urged him on, asking for more…

After a very long shower, Kaidan got ready for work. As he ate breakfast, he decided to call his mom to see how his father was doing and casually ask if Jane was around.

"She's probably out of reach of any comm buoys. You should be able to talk to her tomorrow," Barbra said.

"What? Why? Where is she?"

"She shipped off to Arcturus yesterday morning. You didn't know?"

Kaidan swallowed hard, his lips pressed into a thin line. "I've gotta go, Ma."

* * *

01/03/2172

Jane appeared on his holo-screen with a small smile on her face. "Kaidan, how've you been?"

"' _How've you been?_ ' Is that all you have to say?" He had planned to play it cool until she had a chance to explain why she had left without telling him she was leaving Earth, but her casual tone set him off.

She frowned. "What do you mean?"

God, was she doing this on purpose just to piss him off? "Why didn't you tell me you were leaving, Jane?"

"But I did. I'd said I was starting Basic on the 6th, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but you didn't say you were leaving the next morning."

"It takes almost three days to get here from Earth in a shuttle. And my PFT for the Marine Corps is tomorrow morning. I had to get settled in and get some rest before that. You didn't expect me to arrive here the day training would start, did you?"

He hadn't thought of that. He didn't even know she was trying for the Marines, but that explained why she had been working out so much. If he asked, she would tell him anything, but only if he asked—it was really frustrating. "Why didn't you wake me then? At least to say goodbye…"

She looked down, chewing on her lower lip. "I don't know. You looked so peaceful; I didn't want to disturb you."

Kaidan rolled his eyes, shaking his head. "Next time, wake me, okay?"

She breathed out loudly, relieved. "You seemed so angry, for a moment there I thought there might not be a next time. I'm sorry, all right? I'm just not used to having a… you know, to this… I, hmm, didn't want to bother you."

He felt a little guilty that she still didn't know what they were and if they were in a relationship. They should've talked about it; he should've told her. "Jane, it wouldn't have bothered me at all if my girlfriend had woken me up before she'd left my house."

She blushed and giggled, and he thought that was the most adorable sound ever. "Your girlfriend, huh?"

"That's right. I was planning on making her breakfast, you know?"

She looked confused and then her eyes turned sad. "You were?"

It was true, but Kaidan almost felt bad for having told her. That she would look this upset just for having missed breakfast showed how she had no expectations at all that people would ever treat her nicely—not even him, when he had just slept with her and told her that he loved her. "Yeah. I'll make it next time. I promise, okay?"

She nodded, and Kaidan was relieved to see a corner of her mouth curl up in a half smile.

"So, when do I get to see you again?" he asked her.

"If I pass PFT for the Marines, in about thirteen weeks—after Basic and graduation. Lieutenant Mitra told me I'll probably get a few days off before starting AIT."

"Lieutenant? Dell's an officer now?"

"Yep, 2nd Lieutenant."

Kaidan rubbed the ragged skin around his headjack. Hendel Mitra was almost two years younger than him and was already making a career in the Alliance. There really wasn't anything better for a biotic to do, no place where they would be given the same opportunities and treated equally.

"Are you still thinking about enlisting?" Jane asked. She must have noticed he had drifted off when she had mentioned Dell's promotion.

"Yeah. I just need to sort some things out first." Things like quitting his job at the shop, checking with his mother to see if she was going to be okay on her own with his dad, and, if he was really serious about making a career as a soldier, he should go ahead and sell his car and vacate his apartment. He didn't have too many personal belongings he would want to keep, but there were a few things—they would fill no more than a couple of boxes, probably—and he would have to check with his parents if he could leave them at their home.

"Okay, let me know, all right?"

"I will. Good luck tomorrow on your test. Is your shoulder okay?"

"Yeah. I think I might have pushed too hard on my last workout session; I was worried about the PFT, you know? But you made it better." She gave him a cheeky grin. "I've gotta go. Talk to you tomorrow?"

He returned her smile. "Yeah, I'd like that."

* * *

01/04/2172

"I passed! I'm going to be a marine, Kaidan!"

It was good to see her this happy. He wished he could hug her. "That's great news, Jane. Congratulations! Pa will be proud."

"He is. I called him right after I got my result. He was the one who told me I should try for the Marine Corps, you know?"

Yeah, Kaidan knew very well. After all, that was what his father had wanted for him all along. At least Jane hadn't disappointed the old man.

"You should try for the marines, too, when you enlist. Just make sure you're ready for the PFT, 'cause it's tough. Even giving all I had, I couldn't get a perfect score. But, I swear to you, if it weren't for my bad shoulder, I would've nailed those twenty pull-ups in thirty seconds."

"How many did you get?"

"Sixteen and a half."

"I don't think that half one counts."

"It doesn't," she grumbled and kneaded her bad shoulder. "I could use another massage, you know?"

Damn, he really wished he were there.

* * *

01/13/2172

If not for the scar on her face, Kaidan wouldn't have recognized Jane at first glance when she appeared on his screen.

"Your mouth is hanging open, Kaidan. You don't like it?"

"N-No, it's not that. I'm just… surprised. That's all."

"DI said she would have my head shaved if I didn't stop lowering it to hide behind my hair."

"And then she did?"

Jane chuckled to see Kaidan's slightly shocked expression. "No, I did. I thought it might be a good idea for me to break that habit once and for all. There's no point in ever lowering my head now that people will see the scar anyway." She shrugged and smoothed a hand over the short, prickly stubble on her head.

"Couldn't you've just tied it into a bun?"

"Nah. This way, even when I'm off-duty, there's no hiding."

"You're keeping it like that, then?"

"Maybe I'll let it grow a little, but not much. I want to keep it short, at least until graduation. You don't think I'm ugly, do you?"

Some guy in a PT uniform chose that moment to appear over Jane's shoulder. "Is that your boyfriend, Shepard?"

"Get out of here, Eriksen. I've still got five more minutes to use this terminal." She pushed him out of sight.

"What do you think of her new haircut, man?" the guy asked him, coming back to face the camera and, then, turning to Jane. "He probably thinks you look like some crazed cultist, but I think you look hot." Eriksen winked and had a hand on Jane's shoulder. Kaidan instantly hated him.

"Out, Eriksen! Now!" Jane snapped and let just her eyes glow blue to show him she meant business.

The recruit raised his hands, showing his palms in surrender. "Okay, okay. Relax. I'm going. Jesus…"

"Sorry about that, Kaidan. Eriksen is an asshole," she said, completely collected only a second later, when the guy was finally out of sight.

"Yeah." Just one of the dozens of horny eighteen-year-old assholes who were in Basic with his girlfriend. Possibly ogling her. No, definitely ogling her.

She put her fingers on the screen of her terminal as if she could touch him. "Hey, don't be upset. I love you and I really miss you."

Kaidan uncrossed his arms, trying to pretend he wasn't annoyed. It wasn't her fault that he was in a bad mood because he had just realized there were a bunch of guys out there spending time with his girlfriend, maybe even hitting on her. "I miss you, too."

When they ended the call, he grabbed a beer from the fridge and threw himself on the couch. Things were changing fast and he had a lot to absorb. The shaved head, he didn't mind; he just needed some time to get used to it. She was still beautiful. Even the recruit who had teased her was calling her by her last name, which made it a little bit less annoying. And, it was good to see that she was holding her head high now, that she was getting to know new people, maybe even making friends and that she seemed happy with the direction her life had taken.

She had found her path and he needed to do the same.

* * *

03/22/2172

The first thing Kaidan did after enlisting was to call Jane to tell her the news. He would be taking the PFT for the Marines on April 10th and Basic would start on the 13th.

Her eyes gleamed with hope. "Please, say it's here."

"It is," he beamed.

"When are you coming?"

"Uh, since you're getting a few days of leave after your graduation, I was thinking that maybe you could come here and stay with me? Then, you could help me clear out the apartment and we could go back to Arcturus together. What do you think?"

Her lips curled up in a beautiful smile. "Perfect."

* * *

03/29/2172

Lisa Mae Shepard had never stood as proudly as she was now as she marched with her platoon across the parade deck for the beginning of their graduation ceremony. She was proud of her Drill Instructors who, in only twelve weeks, had made fierce, strong fighters out of five hundred formerly undisciplined teenagers. She was proud of every single one of these five hundred kids, now men and women, who had endured the toughest Basic Training program of the Alliance military. Most importantly, she was proud of herself for finally finding a place for her in life—a life that she had many times pondered if it was really worth living while she had lain in bed, recovering from the wounds she had sustained on Mindoir.

This was only her  _first_  time in a dress uniform; she'd known it the moment she had put it on. The first of many to come. Her sense of belonging with the Alliance and her platoon was so strong, it didn't even hurt that much that she had no one there to see her, no family to hug and congratulate her after the ceremony ended. Since the day she had arrived back at Arcturus Station, there had been no anxiety, no fear, and no doubt tugging at her nerves. It hadn't been distressing like going to Earth for the first time with Commander Alenko, or to the orphanage, or to school—places where she had learned the hard way that all she could expect from most people was that they would be afraid of her, they wouldn't understand her, and they most likely wouldn't even give her a chance. Civilian life had taught her to keep her head down; among soldiers she had been  _required_  to hold her head high (and, damn, it felt a hell of a lot better this way).

Even when she'd been drenched in sweat and with every muscle in her body aching after an especially long and grueling training session in the combat simulation room, she'd still felt great and like she was where she was supposed to be. She really was one of  _the Few, the Proud; an Alliance Marine_.

Once the ceremony was over, Lisa didn't bother searching the audience for familiar faces. She knew the Alenkos would've been there if the commander had been in better health. He was practically recovered from his many injuries, but long off-world trips in cramped shuttles still weren't recommended. And Kaidan had wanted to come, but he was wrapping up his business on Earth so he could move to Arcturus the next week, so the timing wasn't very good. He'd been upset about missing her graduation, but she'd reassured him that she didn't mind. In a couple of days she would be in Vancouver anyway, and they would be together then.

She was making a hasty exit, heading out to her bunk, when her path was blocked by a tall black man with broad shoulders and muscular arms. Her gaze traveled from his chest, where his uniform seemed to be just a little too tight, to his face and her eyes widened, jaw falling before a grin took over.

"Jarell? I mean," she searched his uniform for signs of his rank, "Corporal…?" Fuck, he had never told her his last name and he probably didn't know hers either.

"Turner," he supplied, and interrupted her salute, wrapping his arms around her. He squeezed her gently and then more firmly, even taking her feet off the ground for an instant, when she hugged him back.

"But it's just Jarell for you, Private…?"

"Shepard."

"Shepard," he tested it, "I think I like it better than 'Scar'."

She smiled at him. "It's been a long time. How's life been treating you?"

"How about I tell you over drinks? And we can celebrate your graduation, too."

"Sure."

"Do you have… people here? Anyone you want to ask to come along?"

Lisa scanned the crowd, spotting a few of the guys of her platoon. They were all surrounded by their families, taking pictures, hugging, chatting. "No. Let's go."

"Any preferences?"

There were only three bars at the station and they were usually loud and crowded. Tonight they would probably be even worse, since it was graduation night and there were soldiers celebrating and families visiting.

"Not really. And I don't think there's anywhere where we'll be able to talk much tonight. Or even find a table, for that matter."

Jarell stopped and pondered for a second. "Actually, I know a place."

"Where?"

"You'll see."

They bought a bottle of cheap rum at a convenience store and Jarell led her to a part of the station where she had never been before—the officers' apartments. They took the elevator to the top floor and came out in a narrow and long hallway lit only by the red glow of the dozens of locked doors facing each other.

"Are we allowed to be here?" she asked him.

"Sort of. Officers can have visitors and some have their spouses living here, so we could get away with it if anyone finds us. But, this floor just got done and no one lives here yet, so we should be alone. Come on."

Lisa followed Jarell and smiled at herself, remembering how he had his  _secret place_  at the orphanage, too, on the rooftop, and had shared it with her two years ago. That hour they got to spend there every afternoon had made living at the orphanage much more bearable.

At the end of the hallway, there were stairs that led to a big open construction site, full of equipment and piles of different materials. Only, there was nothing actually built yet.

"They won't start this floor until next year. There have been a lot of officers leaving service, and it's not to retire. Some of them have gone completely off the grid. The head of the marine detail I was part of on my first tour was one of them. So, the Alliance postponed the expansion of the apartments," Jarell explained.

They sat on the ground, side by side, with their legs hanging over the edge of the flooring, and opened the bottle. Lisa took a swig, grimacing as the liquid burned her throat, before passing it over to Jarell. "Do you know what is going on?"

"Not for sure, but I've heard rumors. Some say there's a black ops division within the Alliance and they're recruiting these officers."

"Black ops?"

"Everyone has problems they rather solve through unofficial channels, especially the military. There are no true paragons, Scar. Shepard. Jane. Which one do you prefer?"

"Shepard is fine."

"I like your hair,  _Shepard_." His tone was lighter now and he smiled at her.

Lisa had let her hair grow a little and it was now in a short messy pixie style. "Thanks."

"No hiding now."

"Exactly."

"Good. "

She drank from the bottle again, hoping it would sting less the second time. It didn't, and she mused that Commander Alenko's whiskey was much better than this.

"Have you heard from Raj?" she asked.

"Private Rajit Singh, if you want to find him. He's going to college through the Alliance. Wants to become an engineer."

"Good for him."

"Yeah."

"I, uh… saw Mano and Ty some time ago."

"By the look on your face I'd say they are with that gang Mano's brother was part of?"

She nodded.

Jarell sighed, downing some more rum. "Damn."

They were quiet for a while, just passing the bottle between them, until Lisa broke the silence. "How did you find me?"

He looked down, shaking his head. "I don't wanna tell you."

"Why not?"

"It's embarrassing."

"C'mon, now I really wanna know! You have to tell me."

Jarell took a long gulp and cleared his throat. "Damn it, Shepard. You know how many times I cursed myself for never asking your last name or at least your birthday? I went to see eight graduations either here or at the HQ in Vancouver in the last year hoping to find you."

Lisa swallowed, not knowing how to respond. What did that mean?

"I'm damn glad I found you, you know? These graduation ceremonies are so fucking boring," he continued.

She chuckled and took the bottle. The rum was going down smoother now.

"So, how's everything else? Did the family that took you in treat you right?" he asked her, getting the bottle back. Between the two of them, they were draining it pretty fast.

"Yeah, I was lucky. They're very nice people. I'm… dating their son."

Jarell choked on his drink and Lisa snatched the bottle from him as he coughed it out. "Your foster brother? That's fucked up, Scar. Shepard," he said, after catching his breath again. "Damn!"

"Hey!" Her tone was of mock indignation and she hit him on the arm playfully. "It's not like that. Kaidan didn't even live with his parents when I moved in there. For about a year, we barely saw each other."

"Fine. Whatever helps you sleep at night, Shepard," he teased her.

"He does," she retorted.

"Ugh! Don't overshare, Private."

She burst into laughter. "I can't believe you're pulling rank."

"Whatever it takes." He tried to keep a straight face, but couldn't. Her laugh was contagious.

They were both lying on the floor when they managed to stop, sighing as they caught their breaths.

Lisa turned on her side to look at him. "Are you seeing anyone?" she asked.

Turning to face her, too, he reached out to touch her scarred cheek, but stopped short and pulled back. "Nah. I was hoping I'd find you, and... you know. But I guess I'd better move on now." He sounded amused, as if he were joking, but in his deep dark brown eyes there was a glimpse of something else. Disappointment, perhaps?

Lisa couldn't tell if he really meant what he said.

* * *

"Hey, sweetheart. I thought you were going to call me after the ceremony."

"Oh, fuck! Lost track of time, Kaidan. Sorry."

Kaidan didn't miss the silly smile on her face as she apologized, the slightly slurred speech, and the undone buttons on her dress uniform. She looked drunk, not sorry. "Celebrating with your friends?"

"Nah, it's just me and Jarell. I told you about him, right? He's my friend from orphanage." Jane stretched her arm so her omni-tool could catch Jarell on the frame for Kaidan to see. "Look, it's my boyfriend." She nudged the Corporal so he would look at her holoscreen.

"Hey, man." Jarell nodded disinterestedly towards the screen and gulped from a bottle of rum. By how much he had to tilt it up, Kaidan could tell it was almost empty.

Jane brought her tool back in front of her and took the rum from her friend, taking a swig of her own. Kaidan thought that sharing a bottle like that was a bit too intimate and it didn't help that the person his girlfriend was sharing it with was a young, good-looking man.

"Talk to you later?"

Great. Now she was dismissing him and they had barely talked about anything. But it seemed it would be of no use trying to talk to her right now anyway.  _Remember she's eighteen_ , he told himself, taking a deep breath. "Sure."

He turned off his terminal, and went back to bed to sulk.


	17. Intimacy - Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I might have gone a little overboard with the smut in this chapter… I blame all the Kaidanites on Tumblr and the wonderful #Kaidan Porn Week they just held. Consider this my (very late) contribution.

* * *

04/01/2172

Kaidan couldn't wait to be with Jane again after all this time apart. Luckily, she had managed to get a ride on an Alliance frigate and would get to Earth one day earlier than if she had taken a shuttle. To his relief, it seemed she was as eager as he was for them meet again.

Ever since her graduation night, he had been… worried. Her excitement about her new life in the military was understandable—she was finally around people who respected her, who didn't mind her scars and valued her biotics. It was a new experience for her to have this much support. In almost two years in Vancouver she had made only one friend. She had been bullied, expelled from school, prosecuted, and spent most of the time inside the house. Now, she was finally having the chance to be herself, which was great, and she deserved it. What worried Kaidan was being left behind. He wanted to be part of it, of her new life.

The frigate she was coming in would dock in New York. From there, Jane would take a commercial flight to Vancouver. If he hadn't already sold his car, Kaidan would've gone to pick her up at the airport. Instead, he was home, staring at the door for an embarrassingly long amount of time, waiting for the doorbell to ring.

When she finally arrived and he opened the door for her, his breath got caught in his throat. She looked beautiful. Her chin was up and her back was ramrod straight, making her look taller than he remembered. She was wearing military fatigues and a hoodie and carrying her duffel bag, which he took from her and set on the floor so he could hug her properly.

She cupped his face and pulled him down into a kiss, her lips invitingly parted. Her mouth was hot on his, demanding. The kiss escalated quickly. It was passionate, almost desperate as they tried to make up for three months of longing.

He picked her up in his arms as she wrapped her legs around him and he carried her to his bedroom.

"I'm hungry," she pouted as he set her down.

"Later." He started pulling her hoodie and t-shirt off as she toed off her boots. "Just let me have you now and then I'll cook whatever you want."

"Hmm, I want steak," she said with her crooked smile while helping him out of his shirt.

"Done." He pulled her pants down along with her underwear and she stepped out of them.

Backing away from her, he took a moment to admire her naked body; his predatory gaze causing a shy smile with a hint of mischief to appear on her face. "Perfect," he said huskily.

Kaidan pushed her down on her back on the bed and was delighted to see how she readily spread her legs for him as he took off his jeans and boxers. She was so eager and always so damn responsive to his touch. Nothing had changed; she was still his and he was hers, and he buried himself inside her so they could get lost in each other.

* * *

04/02/2172

Lisa came out of the shower in the morning to the smell of bacon. Kaidan was making breakfast. She giggled; her boyfriend was making her breakfast. She was starving and just slipped into her panties and a tank top and went to meet him in the small kitchen. He was also making eggs and pancakes and she wanted to help him, but he insisted that she just sit down and wait. He had already cooked for her last night and she wouldn't have minded helping, but it seemed like he wanted to make good on his promise of making her breakfast, so she let him.

There was something off, she noticed, as he worked. He wasn't handling the pans and ingredients as expertly as he had the night before. She didn't miss the long blinks and slightly slower movements, the deep breaths…

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," he answered simply, without making eye contact.

Lisa went over to stand by his side. The scrambled eggs seemed more than ready, but he kept stirring them and the heat was still on. She turned it off and took the frying pan and spatula from him, putting them away.

He opened his mouth to say something, but then he just grimaced and shut his eyes, pressing his fingers to his temples.

"Hey," she said softly, putting a hand on his shoulder, "tell me what's going on. Please."

"It's a… headache. I just need to stay in the dark for a while and it'll be fine." He twitched out of her grasp and went back into his room, leaving her alone in his kitchen.

She looked around, uncertain about what she should do next. Her stomach growled and she decided to have breakfast by herself. After she was done, she made Kaidan a plate and knocked on his door. There was no proper answer, only a wordless groan. Since the door was unlocked, she went in.

The blinds were closed, the lights were off and, in addition, he had his arm slumped over his eyes. As she set the plate on his nightstand, she saw the used syringe. Turning her back to him, she powered on her omni-tool so she could read the label. It was no medication she was familiar with, so she searched it on the extranet and found out it was an injectable prescription-only painkiller—something way too strong for someone to take for a simple headache.

"Kaidan," she whispered, "I brought you breakfast."

"Yeah, I can smell it and it's not helping," he said hoarsely.

"You should eat. Biotics–"

"I know."

"Okay…" Lisa looked around and shifted uncomfortably on her feet, not knowing what to do with herself. If she had pants on, she would have tucked her hands in her pockets. "Should I leave?"

"No. It's just…"

"If you tell me what it is, maybe I can help?"

"It's a headache."

"I had very bad headaches right after I got the L3 implants, but they were never this bad. Why don't you tell me what's really going on?" She sat on the bed gingerly so as not to jostle him, but he still winced. "It's me, isn't it? My biotics?"

She tried to get up, but he put a hand on her thigh and squeezed weakly. "No. Please, stay."

He dragged himself up on the bed to lean against the headboard so he could eat. Since he didn't seem very willing to talk, she kept it to herself until he was done. She took away his plate and returned to sit by his side.

He scooted down to lie on the bed, snaking his arms around her hips as he rested his head in her lap. Hesitantly, she lowered a hand to his hair. When he didn't complain, she gently ran her nails along his scalp. He made an appreciative sound in the back of his throat, so she continued repeating the movement. It didn't take long until he was asleep.

Lisa figured it was going to be a few hours until he awakened, considering the strength of the painkiller he'd just taken. She could try to extricate herself from him, but that would certainly disturb his sleep; and it wasn't like she had anything to do anyway, so she decided to stay there with him. Eventually, she fell asleep, too, since the past night they had spent more time trying to make up for the last three months apart than actually getting any sleep.

* * *

Kaidan rubbed at his eyes, still a little groggy from sleep and the medication he'd taken. Thankfully, it had worked and the throbbing pain in his head was now just a dull ache. He rolled on his back and smiled as he realized he'd been lying on Jane's smooth thighs. When he looked up, he saw she was sleeping in a rather uncomfortable position—sitting up with her back against the headboard and her head hanging down over her shoulder.

He hoped she hadn't been like that for long or she would wake up with a stiff neck. It had been probably not to disturb him that she hadn't made herself more comfortable. If he'd been thinking straight, he wouldn't have let her fall asleep like that. Or have abandoned her in the kitchen, for that matter. But, whenever a migraine hit, he was always rendered useless.

Once she was up, he would have to tell her what had happened to him. After today, there was no avoiding this subject. He should've told her already, but it wasn't exactly an easy conversation to have. She had probably figured out he was an L2, since the L3 implants had come out only two years ago. But, she most likely didn't know what being an L2 meant. The crippling migraines were just the tip of the iceberg. He knew what would come next, what the future held for him. Some biotics who had those same implants had gone insane pretty fast. For now, he only had migraines, but there was no assurance that wouldn't change. Every time he had one of these episodes, he wondered if it was going to be the one that would fry his brain for good. It was a constant fear that the pain might be too much to bear and no amount of painkillers would end it and he would lose it.

Carefully, so he wouldn't wake her, Kaidan put an arm around Jane's neck and the other around her waist so he could ease her down on to the bed in a more comfortable position. But, despite his efforts, her eyes opened slowly and she sighed.

"Hey," he whispered when her eyes found him.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" she asked.

"Better. Hungry?"

"Yeah."

"I'll order something for lunch. How about Thai?"

It was the middle of the afternoon already, but biotics knew better than to skip a meal.

"Sure."

He left the bedroom without giving her the chance to say anything else. It was obvious he was stalling; she was probably onto him, but had let him go because having a boyfriend was new to her and she was still unsure about how much she could pry into his life. He felt a little guilty. She shouldn't even have to ask him about his migraines; he should've told her already. But, he hadn't, and now he was in a very difficult situation—she would surely want to know what had triggered it this time and it would be hard to explain without making her feel responsible for it.

The thing was that, in the three months she'd been at Arcturus, he hadn't used his biotics once. Then, he'd spent the night with her, and that meant a constant activation of his implants; spikes of energy and plenty of involuntary flares. In the heat of the moment, it felt great not having to worry about controlling his biotics, but the aftermath could be grueling. This episode only served as confirmation of something he had already been suspecting—the longer he spent without using his biotics, the worse he felt after finally using them again. It was not her fault.

They sat at the table to eat the food he had ordered from the Thai place nearby. An awkward silence was stretching between them while Kaidan tried to decide how to tell her about his implants, their terrible side effects, and his grim prospects.

Jane hissed as she rolled her neck and he decided it was time to, at least, break the silence.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let you fall asleep like that. How bad is it?"

"It's fine." She poked around her plate, aloof. For a biotic who was past her lunchtime, she was oddly uninterested in her food. "Aren't you going to tell me what happened to you this morning?"

"It's–"

"Don't say it was just a headache." She cut him off, pointing her chopsticks at his chest. Okay, so maybe she wasn't insecure about prying into his life, she was just giving him the chance to explain himself. When it'd started to take him too long, her patience had run out.

"I wasn't going to." Kaidan took a deep breath. "You know I'm an L2, right?"

"I figured you were, since you got your implants a few years before me."

He nodded and then he told her. He told her how he and the other kids at Brain Camp had been wired with the L2 implants even after the first subjects had started showing severe adverse reactions; how there were people his age who had already suffered permanent neurological damage from the implants; how there was no guarantee he wouldn't be the next L2 to go insane.

"Kaidan, I'm so sorry. Isn't there a way for you to upgrade to the L3 implants?"

"It's not that simple. I'd have to get mine removed first, but the risks of the operation are much greater than the chances of success, so all good doctors frown upon it. You're more likely to have brain damage from the surgery than from the implants."

"How often do you have these migraines?"

"Not that often; usually when I overuse my biotics."

"But when did you over– Oh!" She covered her mouth with her palm and swallowed hard as realization hit her. "Oh, fuck. Kaidan, I'm so sorry. You should've told me. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Look, this only happened because my implants hadn't been activated in a long time and then suddenly I was using them again."

It seemed she wasn't even listening to him. She looked terrified. "All this pain you were in earlier, it was all my fault."

"No! Jane, please, if anything, you made it better."

She snorted and shook her head. "Don't lie to me."

"Jane, listen–"

"No, you listen. I want to be with you, Kaidan. I fucking love you, dammit! So we better find a way for me not to cause you these damn fucking migraines, because I don't plan on going anywhere."

Kaidan tried to muffle a chuckle with his hand. She always cursed so much when she was upset; it was oddly endearing.

"This is not funny, dammit!" She pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes and took a deep, calming breath. "Kaidan, I'm… I'm happy and I honestly believed I'd never feel this way again after the attack. But now… now I have you and your parents and the Alliance. I'm not alone anymore. There are actually people out there who know me and who would notice if I was gone."

' _Notice' is a huge understatement_ , he thought.

"I don't want to lose this, Kaidan. I can't."

There was emotion in her voice, a certain urgency that he noticed despite her efforts to hide it, and his heart broke for her. He quickly strode over to her side of the table and pulled her to her feet and into his arms. "God, Jane. You won't," he said, planting a kiss on her forehead.

"But, I don't want to hurt you either; I don't want to cause you pain."

"Sweetheart, you don't. You couldn't. It was not your fault. You have to believe me."

"I will, if you promise to tell me if this ever changes; if I cause you to have a migraine, or do something that doesn't help. You have to tell me."

"I will, I promise."

* * *

04/03/2172

It was a beautiful, sunny day and Lisa suddenly realized she hadn't been outside once since she'd arrived at Kaidan's apartment. She hadn't even put on pants, truth be told. Not that she wanted to. These lazy few days off with him were just what she needed before starting another training marathon.

Her eyes went from the window to the floor where he was doing push-ups, practicing for his PFT. He was only in his boxers—he hadn't been dressed much either these past couple of days—and she took a moment to appreciate his gorgeous body and the way his well-developed muscles were contracting and straining with his movements.

"How many?"

Damn, she was supposed to be counting. "Thirty… five?" She hazarded a guess.

He stopped and sat on the floor. "No way. I counted at least fifty."

"Sorry. I got distracted."

"Yeah? With what?" The smug smile on his face was telling her that he already knew the answer to his question, but she decided to indulge him with a reply anyway.

"You." She licked her lips, meeting his eyes with a heated gaze. "Your ass."

With a swift movement, he grabbed her bare legs and pulled her down from the couch to his lap. Giggling, she straddled him as he kissed and nipped at her neck. His mouth trailed down to her chest and he sucked a nipple over her flimsy grey tank top.

"No bra today, huh?"

"Nope."

Kaidan made an appreciative sound at the sight of the sheer fabric, wet and slightly transparent over her pebbled nipple; a result of his ministrations. "I like it." He moved on to the other breast, suckling just as eagerly as he had the other one.

Cupping her backside with both hands, he dragged her even closer to him, increasing the friction as she started grinding against his arousal. She peeled off her tank top and was getting up to remove her underwear, but he held her in place. "Don't."

He slid his boxers down only enough to free his erection and pushed her panties aside. His strong hands grabbed her hips as she slowly lowered herself onto him; her name falling from his lips in a hoarse whisper when he was finally fully sheathed inside her. However, she got tense and stiff in his arms. Her eyes were squeezed shut and brows furrowed in concentration.

"Sweetheart, let go. It's okay. I'll be fine."

She shook her head. "I shouldn't… we shouldn't…"

Dark energy flowed from his body, enveloping both of them. She gasped and shivered in response, her pulse quickening, but she was still holding back her biotics.

"Let go, Jane. Please."

"I don't want to give you a migraine."

"You won't. Trust me on this. It only happened because I hadn't been using my biotics." He flared brighter and started moving his hips. She couldn't resist much longer; he could feel the energy surfacing despite her efforts to control it. Not long ago, he wouldn't have even considered doing something like this. She had teased him into flaring a couple of times and he had been really angry at her. Now, he was the one telling her not to worry about it and let go. He had come a long way. No, she had dragged him a long way while he had fought her most of the time.

"Oh, fuck," she growled as her control slipped, a powerful biotic pulse escaping her.

Kaidan gasped, goosebumps rising on his skin. His corona burned brighter, fueled by her biotics. They ignored the sounds of objects falling, the sensations too intense for them to focus on anything else.

"You better be telling the truth," she said, her breathing growing ragged as she started riding him.

"Damn, Jane. Trust me." He punctuated each word with a sharp thrust of hips.

She had one hand on the back of his head and the other grasping his shoulder; her grip in his hair turning almost painful as she took charge and set a punishing pace. Her legs were not only long and beautiful, they were strong; all solid muscles underneath soft skin. He couldn't take his eyes off the place where their bodies were joined, watching as she lifted herself on her knees until he almost slipped out of her and then slammed back down.

The pressure was building quickly for both of them. Kaidan wrapped an arm around her and ran a hand along her thigh, urging her to curl her legs around his waist as he pushed himself up from the floor and got on his feet. Her breath hitched as her back hit the wall and he started pounding into her again. His lips found the curve of her neck and he grazed with his teeth the spot where it met her shoulder. Her pleasured moans encouraged him to suck and bite harder, and he did, even though he knew it was going to leave a mark. Hell, he didn't care. She was his and all those horny teenage boys of her platoon better not forget it.

He loved how easy it was to fuck her against the wall like that. She was a head shorter than him and her body was light and supple. Holding her up was barely any effort for him.

Her legs trembled and tightened around his waist and she arched into him, crying out his name, as her climax hit. With her nails scoring his back and her velvety walls squeezing his length, he was thrown over the edge. His eyes snapped shut and his head fell back as he emptied himself inside her with a low groan.

They were both panting heavily, bodies slick with sweat, when Kaidan gently set her down. After straightening their underwear, they slid to the floor. He pulled her to sit between his legs and she lowered her head to the crook of his neck as their breathing and their biotics grew quieter. For a while, they just stayed there in a companionable silence, enjoying a moment of blissful peace.

"Never do that again," he spoke softly, breaking the silence.

"What?" she murmured, and he thought she might have been asleep.

"Hold back your biotics. If you can't be yourself when you're with me, then–"

"I didn't want to give you a migraine."

"Then don't ever stay this long away from me again, okay?" He tightened his arms around her and planted a kiss on her hair.

"Okay," she mumbled sleepily.

* * *

"So, you and Jarell are… just friends?" he asked, trying to sound casual, while they were watching a movie on the couch and waiting for the pizzas they had ordered for dinner to arrive.

"Yeah. I mean, we kissed–"

"What?"

" –once. We kissed  _once_ , back when we were at the orphanage."

"You should have told me that."

"What? Why?"

"Because I'm your boyfriend. When you go out with your ex, you should at least tell me."

"He's not my  _ex_. It was just one kiss."

"Does he have feelings for you?"

"It was one kiss, ages ago. Why, after all this time, would he have feelings for me?"

"I don't know, Jane. You're smart. Charming as hell. Beautiful. More than you think. I mean, look at you. How can a guy not like you?"

"I appreciate the thought, Kaidan, but you're delusional."

"You know, the fact that you don't see it and you're not stuck up about it makes you even more attractive. You're kinda like Rahna, I guess."  _And I can't believe I said that out loud_. He regretted that last sentence the moment the words were out of his big mouth.

"You're comparing me to your ex-girlfriend?" she asked, a look of disbelief on her face.

He rubbed the back of his neck, intantly flustered. "I'm sorry. It sounded better in my head," he replied lamely.

Lisa huffed and rolled her eyes. "You know I saw her pictures, right? Tall, lanky, and your mom loves her, with her natural blonde hair and fucking blue eyes."

"Green." Damn, couldn't he keep his mouth shut?

"You have got to be kidding me, Kaidan. Fuck!" She scratched her scarred cheek a bit too hard and he grasped her hand to stop her and get her attention.

"Jane, sweetheart, it doesn't matter. It's not those traits that make someone beautiful."

"Don't give me that crap, Kaidan. Are you still hung up on this  _Rianna_  woman?"

Thankfully, he stopped himself from correcting her this time. It wouldn't be of any help. "How can you even ask me that? I told you I love you, Jane. That's not a word I'd use lightly."

She buried her face in her palms and exhaled loudly. "It's just… when I saw her with you in that picture… and then your date on New Year's Eve… Fuck, Kaidan. I already had a crush on you and I don't hold a candle to those women. So, I thought I'd never have a chance with you. I wanted to just move on, try and get over you, but Emily wouldn't let me."

"Smart girl."

"Well, that whole blonde hair fiasco was her idea. But she was right in the end, so–"

"Wait. That time you bleached your hair, it was just to get my attention?"

"Fuck," she muttered under her breath, blushing to the tip of her ears. It hadn't been her intention to let that slip.

"I can't believe you thought you had to change your appearance for me to like you. Did you really think I was that shallow?"

"How was I supposed to know? You rarely talked to me, and I'd seen you with those super hot and all dolled up girls, so of course I'd th–"

He suddenly jumped on her, pushing her down on her back on the couch and covering her with his body. "You're hotter than all of them combined," he whispered, cupping her chin, his face only a few inches from hers and his eyes locked on hers to show her he meant it.

"See? You  _are_  shallow," she teased, a smug smile playing on her lips.

Kaidan moaned as she opened her legs and he found a more comfortable position between her thighs. "I'm not," he remembered to protest.

"Oh, yes, you are."

Grabbing her wrists, he pinned her arms above her head. "Shut up," he said, before claiming her mouth with his.


	18. Intimacy - Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have another NSFW chapter (extra long and with some plot, too). Hope you enjoy. ;)

04/04/2172

The Alenkos wanted to show Kaidan and Jane the land they had bought in the country, so they stopped by their son's apartment to pick them up. It was still early in the morning. The farm was about a hundred and fifty kilometers from Vancouver and Barbra was going to drive them there. Rylan had insisted they stay overnight, so Kaidan and Jane were bringing her duffel bag with a change of clothes and a few other things they might need.

Kaidan didn't know anything about farming, but it seemed it wouldn't take too much work to turn the place into the nice orchard his father wanted. The whole area was about one hectare. There was a small artificial lake, a kennel, a warehouse, and a wooden cabin that looked charming and cozy but had seen better days and could use a few repairs. Being retired now, Rylan surely would have a lot of free time to take care of it.

The tour around the property ended by a weird structure made of wood and with a large screen door. Kaidan couldn't tell what it was, but Jane explained it was a chicken coop. He thought he really didn't know the first thing about farming; he had never even seen a live chicken in his life.

"We're keeping it," Barbra said about the chicken coop. "It will be nice to have some animals here. Maybe we'll get a few geese, too."

"And a dog," Rylan added, "to keep predators away from all these birds your Ma wants to get."

Kaidan had asked for a puppy a million times when he was a child, but his parents had never let him have a pet. They probably thought he would end up killing it with his biotics. "It must be nice for a kid to have a place like this, at least to visit, while growing up," he said, his tone betraying some resentment.

"It is," Jane replied quietly, sad eyes avoiding him and staring at the horizon.

In a heartbeat, Barbra was by the girl's side, putting an arm around her shoulders. "Come, dear. Let me show you the house," she said cheerfully.

Damn, his mother was fast. Kaidan had barely had time to register what Jane had said and Barbra was already on it, providing a distraction.

"Maybe we shouldn't have come," he told his father once the women had disappeared inside the cabin.

"Nonsense. She's going to be fine. Your Ma's got her."

Kaidan nodded in agreement, but didn't feel reassured. After retrieving Jane's duffel bag from the car, he went to find her in the cabin. His parents must have some spent some time there earlier in the week, because the place was very clean and organized.

"I'm afraid there are only two bedrooms," his mother was saying when he found them. "You don't mind sleeping on the couch in the living room, do you, Kaidan?"

"What? Why?"

"I don't know if it's appropriate for you and Jane to share a bedroom."

The girl blushed and made a hasty exit, leaving mother and son to come to an agreement on their own.

"Ma, you do know she's staying at my place, right?"

"Yes, but –"

Kaidan let out an impatient huff. "Ma, I'm not sleeping on the couch."

"Let the kids enjoy themselves, Barbra," Rylan said as he joined them in the small living room.

"Are you forgetting that, if her parents were alive, they might not approve of this? Did you know her mother was Catholic?"

No, Kaidan had no idea her mother was Catholic. He didn't even know if Jane was religious and what her beliefs were. Why was she so bad at sharing and talking about herself? She wouldn't give him anything if he didn't ask. His mom sure must have spent a lot of time talking to her, since it was just the two of them in the house most of the time. Nevertheless, Kaidan felt like he should know more than his mother did about his girlfriend.

"She's very young, son. She's still a child," Barbra added.

"She's not a child, Ma, she's a –"

" – marine," Rylan said at the same time Kaidan said, "– woman."

"Yeah, that, too," they both uttered in unison again and Barbra rolled her eyes at them.

"Go, son. I'll talk to your Ma. She's old-fashioned, but I've always been good at being a... bad influence," he winked at her.

Barbra blushed and chided, "Rylan!"

"Not listening!" Kaidan kept repeating as he rushed out of the room.

* * *

"So, are we allowed to sleep together?" Jane asked Kaidan when he found her in the second bedroom.

"Yeah."

"Good. I... I didn't want to spend the night alone."

"Jane, we don't have to stay here, you know? We can leave, go back to Vancouver right now if you want."

Staring out of the window, she wrapped her arms around herself. "No. I want to stay. I'll be fine."

Kaidan embraced her from behind, enveloping her with his larger frame. "Are you sure?"

She sighed and he felt her relax in his arms. He was glad she was taking the comfort he was offering.

"No, but I can't spend the rest of my life running from everything that reminds me of home, can I?"

He buried his nose in her hair and pulled her tighter against his chest, wishing there was more he could do more for her. "I guess not."

* * *

They all sat down together to eat the lasagna Barbra had brought and heated for lunch.

Kaidan exchanged a worried glance with his mother and shifted uncomfortably in his seat when his dad started asking Jane about her parents' farm on Mindoir.

"Did you have an orchard there?"

Jane swallowed hard, her gaze dropping down to her plate. This question had upset her more than the previous ones, Kaidan noticed.

"Yeah," she replied.

"Who wants more lasagna?" Barbra cut in on their conversation,forcing out a wide smile.

"What did you grow there?" Rylan continued, ignoring his wife.

Jane cleared her throat, a hand shooting up to scratch the scar on her cheek. "Vegetables, fruits…" she answered vaguely.

"Which ones?" the man insisted.

"Pa." Kaidan used a warning tone.

Jane rolled her bad shoulder, eyes still trained down. "Pumpkins, chayotes, oranges, mangoes, pomegranates. There were others, too. I don't remember them all."

By her reluctance in making eye-contact, Kaidan was betting she did remember, but had told that small lie just to end the conversation. He was about to ask his father to drop it when the old man spoke first.

"Why don't you choose some seeds for me? What would you like to grow here?"

It didn't seem like Jane was expecting such an offer and she finally looked up. "Uh… pomegranates would be nice, I guess. Dad liked those."

"What about you? Which ones did you like best?" Rylan asked her.

"The mangoes."

"Well, I'm sure we can find some variety of mango that will grow here, right, Barbra?" Rylan looked at his wife and she nodded in agreement.

"There are lab-developed seeds that grow almost anywhere," the woman said.

"They take up a lot of space." Jane's nails scored her scar again and Kaidan gently took her hand and held it down in her lap, under the table.

"I'm sure we have room for at least one," Rylan replied.

"We'll get you a mango tree, dear," Barbra added.

A ghost of a smile passed over Jane's lips. "Thank you."

She squeezed Kaidan's hand under the table before letting go. He knew it was her way of telling him she was fine.

"The mangoes were the tallest trees we had at the farm," she said. "I used to spend a lot of time on top of them after… the flares started."

Kaidan heard what she wasn't saying. He knew her family hadn't been very supportive when her biotics had started to manifest and that she had lost her friends, too. The reason she would have spent so much time on top of the highest trees she could find had to be either to avoid scaring people with her flares or to protect herself from their fear and anger. Or, maybe both. That was one hell of a depressing memory of a very lonely childhood, he thought. But she didn't look sad, just nostalgic.

"They were a little tough to climb and I'd always get a few scrapes," she looked at her arms as if the marks were still there, "but, it was worth it. When it was mango season, I didn't have to come down when I got hungry, so I liked it even better."

Rylan took the opportunity to share a memory of his childhood, too, from his grandmother's farm in Singapore where he had spent a lot of time as a kid. Then, to Kaidan's shock, Jane shared another one — about when her father had been teaching her how to drive their tractor and she had accidently driven it into the wheat field. It looked like everyone was better than her boyfriend to get her talking.

After lunch, Kaidan sat with his mom on the cedar swing on the porch while Jane and Rylan, still caught up in the boring conversation about crops and livestock they had started while doing the dishes, took another walk around the farm.

"Someone has to look out for her, son. She has no one else," Barbra said, her eyes on Jane.

"I know, Ma, and I do. You don't have to worry."

"Don't break her heart."

"I won't. I… I love her."

Barbra didn't seem surprised at his admission. "Have you told her?"

"Yeah."

She smiled and gave him a slight nod of approval. They were quiet for a while, until she spoke again. "I assume you two are... having sex?"

"Ma..." Kaidan looked away, rubbing the back of his neck. It was answer enough for Barbra.

"I should've talked to her about this. I don't know if her parents ever did."

He let out a relieved breath when his father waved to get their attention and called them to come help him and Jane clean up the warehouse.

"Just... take care, son. Don't get her pregnant," his mother said as he jumped on his feet and hastily walked away.

* * *

Kaidan woke up in the middle of the night with his implants buzzing. Jane was curled up into a ball by his side, the fetal position making her look small and fragile. There was a dull blue glow surrounding her and he noticed she was shaking. He pulled the blanket up to her shoulders and ran a hand tenderly through her short hair, trying to get her biotics to settle down. She was probably dreaming.

"No, no, no, please," she murmured in her sleep, and he noticed the tight line of her jaw and that her brows were furrowed in an expression that seemed pained and fearful.

There was a strangled sob and tears rolled down her face. "No, please."

"Jane, sweetheart," Kaidan wiped a tear from her cheek with his thumb, "wake up."

Her biotic corona shone brighter and she continued with the pleading and crying.

Sitting up, he grasped her shoulder. "Jane, wake up," his tone was harder now as he grew more worried.

He could feel dark energy building up fast inside her. It was going to be bad once she released it. The lamp on the nightstand and the framed artwork on the wall would be caught in it for sure and his parents would awake to the noise of things falling and being broken. Kaidan threw up a perfectly stable and solid barrier and held Jane against his chest, hoping it would work to turn her discharge into a barrier instead of a wild flare — the same way he had done when he had first taught her how to throw up a barrier.

"Jane, please, sweetheart. You have to wake up."

A tremor wracked her body as her corona darkened. Kaidan whispered apologies in her ear as he covered her mouth with his hand in time to muffle the scream that came when her eyes snapped open. She kicked and squirmed, attacking him with a biotic throw that died on his barrier.

"Jane, stop. It's me. You're safe. I've got you, okay?"

She blinked a few times, eyes nervously scanning the room. Her gaze finally settled on his face and her expression softened. Slowly, her fists unclenched, the tension leaving her body as she sighed in relief.

He cupped her cheek, fingers gently caressing her skin, damp with tears and sweat. "You're safe," he reassured her and kissed her forehead.

"Kaidan," she breathed out, the blue fire around her receding and fading.

Suddenly, her lips crashed against his and she pushed him flat on his back as she climbed on top of him. She straddled his hips and then her mouth was back on his, hot and demanding, her tongue seeking entrance. Her nails grazed his chest a bit too roughly on their way down to his groin. He was only in his underwear and she was wearing her usual tank and panties.

"Jane, what are you doing?" He managed to break the kiss long enough to speak and grabbed her wrists to stop her, but she twisted out of his grasp.

She took off her tank and, then, her hands and mouth were back on him, fingers slipping underneath his boxers. "I want you. Now. No talking."

More firmly this time, he held her wrists to still her. "No, Jane. Stop it. Not like this."

"Fuck, Kaidan! Let me go," she spat angrily and fought him to free herself, but he kept his hold on her.

"No, Jane! What's wrong with you?" Maybe he should have worded it differently. He knew she hated that question. Every time he had asked her that, she had snapped.

This time, however, she just halted her struggle against him and her shoulders slumped, so he let go of her. The marks his fingers had left on her wrists made him wince. He had never wanted to hurt her.

Her eyes were brimming with unshed tears and she looked away from him. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to talk about it; I just wanted to forget."

"About your nightmare?"

She nodded.

"You could've just told me that."

"You would've wanted to talk about it anyway."

"Jane, you said you wanted to stay here, that you didn't want to keep running from the things that remind you of home."

She let out a wistful sigh and sounded tired as she spoke, "See? You want to talk about it."

"Of course I do. You scared the hell out of me. You wouldn't wake up, your biotics were out of control, you were crying in your sleep and, then, you woke up screaming. You can't expect me to act as if everything were normal. I want to help."

"There's nothing you can do to help this. I often have these nightmares, ever since the attack."

"Why haven't you told me about this?"

"I don't know. You never asked?"

That had to be the lamest answer ever. "God, Jane! You're so frustrating, you know that?" Kaidan dragged his hands over his face. He couldn't keep having this argument. Why was it so hard for her share to anything? What else wasn't she telling him?

"Fine." She took a deep, steadying breath. "When I was walking out there with the Commander this afternoon, I was thinking about home and my family the whole time. I was remembering the farm and all the things we had there and I was fine because, although these memories make me sad, they're still good memories. Now, the nightmares… they're different. They're not memories from home. They're just pain and fear and hurt. So, I don't want talk about them, okay? Please."

Kaidan understood her point now. He didn't approve of the way she had handled it, but he understood.

"I'm sorry for… you know. I just wanted to feel better and forget about the damn nightmare."

"I'm sorry, too." He reached for the hand that was closest to him and caressed her wrist, hoping it wouldn't bruise.

Her eyes flickered from his face to her wrist and then back at him. "Don't worry about it." It never ceased to amaze him how she always seemed to know what he was thinking. "You were right to stop me. I shouldn't have…"

"Hey, it's okay. Come here." Kaidan pulled her to him, and they lay down together. He spooned her, her petite body fitting perfectly against his. She rested her head on his arm as the other curled protectively around her waist, and he slid a leg between hers.

Every day there was something new. They were still learning about each other and adapting to being together. It was hard to break through to her sometimes and Kaidan was thankful for this chance to spend a few days with her. They really needed this to get to know each other better. It was a shame that, once they shipped out to Arcturus, they wouldn't be able to be together like this anymore. Not even share a bed. He would miss sleeping with her and he didn't like the idea that when she next had one of these nightmares, he wouldn't be there to comfort her.

* * *

Lisa woke up in Kaidan's arms, in the same position they had fallen asleep in the middle of the night. The only difference was the pressure of his arousal against her backside. By his deep and relaxed breathing, she could tell he was still sleeping. Smiling to herself, she wiggled her ass against him.

His arm tightened around her waist and he let out a soft sigh. She teased him again, this time grinding more insistently against him. His thigh that was between her legs pressed harder against her sex, eliciting a pleasured moan from her.

"Kaidan…"

"Mm…"

"You're awake, aren't you?"

"I am now. Minx." He lowered his head to kiss her neck just the way she liked it, his teeth teasing her soft skin.

His hand that was around her waist traveled up to her chest. Gently, he squeezed her breast and teased a nipple between his thumb and forefinger.

"Sleep well?" he whispered in her ear, giving her other breast the same treatment.

"Mm-hmm."

After her nightmare and their talk last night, they had cuddled and she had felt safe and loved. The low hum of his biotics and the steady beat of his heart had been incredibly soothing. Lucky her the Alenkos had let him sleep there with her or she would have awaken everyone in the middle of the night with her scream.

His hand trailed down her stomach, lightly brushing her skin in a touch so delicate it was almost ticklish. His fingertips traced along the waistline of her panties and then down, but still over the fabric. Arousal was pooling low in her belly and she pressed her ass more firmly against his hips, feeling him grow even harder.

As he slipped his hand underneath her panties, he smiled against her neck at her sharp intake of breath. His fingers traced her folds in torturously slow movements. He circled her clit and she let out a needy whimper.

"Kaidan, please…"

His hand dipped lower, a finger sliding inside her with ease.

"So wet…" His breath caressed her ear, his deep voice sending shivers down her spine.

A second finger followed and he started thrusting them in and out of her. His palm kept rubbing against her clit and she was rocking her hips to match his movements. The rhythm, the pressure, the friction, it was all just perfect. It didn't take long for him to bring her to the edge.

"Come for me, sweetheart."

The moment the words were out of his mouth, her release was upon her. Dark energy rippled through her body, setting his own biotics off, too. She fisted the sheets, her inner walls clenching around his fingers as she writhed with his touch.

With his arm that was under her, he lifted her head just enough for his mouth to easily reach hers, swallowing her cries of pleasure with a passionate kiss.

He held her until she came down from her high and her biotics faded. Only then, did he allow his fingers to slide out of her. She remained on her side with her back to him, but once he had extricated himself from her to remove his underwear, she turned her head around to watch at him. With a hand planted firmly between her shoulder blades, he stopped her from lying on her back and pushed her onto her stomach.

Kaidan hovered over her for a moment, pleased to see how her breath was quickening with anticipation, her body quivering under his gaze. He lowered himself to kiss and lick a path down her spine until he reached the waistband of her panties. The fabric was soaked over her sex and he hooked his fingers on both sides, drawing them down and off her.

Her legs parted for him and he smiled; they both enjoyed this too much. It was incredibly arousing seeing her always this eager.

Goose bumps raised on her skin as he trailed kisses on the back of her thighs, his hands following his mouth, kneading her muscles. She always liked to squeeze his ass when they were making out, but hell if he didn't find hers way nicer than his. He cupped one cheek as he bit down on the other. She jumped, startled, and then giggled when he soothed the sting of his bite with light kisses.

He grabbed her thighs and spread her legs wider. His hands went to her hips and he pulled her up just enough to allow him to go deeper as he entered her with one thrust. Dark energy flowed unrestrained, his and hers melding together and washing the room in blue light.

"Oh, Jane…" She was so perfect like this, he could hardly bear it.

He started with slow strokes, pulling out completely before sliding back in. However, despite his efforts to take his time, pressure was building fast. Her wanton moans as she pushed back against him and the sexy sway of her hips were driving him insane. Keeping his hold on her with one hand, he braced himself on his other arm so his weight wouldn't fall on her as he bent over her and began to pound her harder.

He wouldn't last much longer, but he wanted to make her come again, so he raised himself up and pulled her with him to lean on his chest. His hands were free now to roam all over her body. He touched her where they were joined, relishing in the way her back arched as he pressed the little nub between her thighs. As he teased and rubbed it, her head fell back on his shoulder. Her moans were growing louder, her breath coming in ragged pants and he knew she was on the edge again.

He touched a finger from his free hand to her mouth to quiet her. "Shhh, sweetheart. We're not alone."

Her lips were parted and her tongue brushed his finger. Before he knew it, he slid it inside her mouth and she was sucking it hungrily. Hell, this girl was going to be the death of him. She kept sucking on his finger as she peaked for the second time that morning, and only low, throaty whimpers came out of her.

With her core impossibly hot and slick, twitching around him, clutching his cock, he couldn't resist any longer; he wanted to come. He pushed her down so she was on her hands and knees and it took him only few more strokes until he was releasing deep inside her.

They collapsed in bed together, sweaty and panting. Lisa snuggled into him and sighed, content. He had been right to stop her last night. Sex should be like this, out of love and desire, not out of despair and fear.

"Thank you," she whispered, her fingers lazily tracing patterns on his chest.

"Mm?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

* * *

Lisa and Kaidan were back in the city by lunchtime. They were shipping out to Arcturus tomorrow, so they spent all afternoon packing and cleaning Kaidan's apartment. He removed from his closet only the few things he was going to take with him to the station and Lisa was boxing up what he was leaving behind, so they could drop everything at his parents'.

Only now she was noticing the several boxes of model ships on the upper shelves of his closet. She took one of them and opened it to find a little ship, like new, inside. A turian cruiser from the First Contact War. Had he never opened these?

"What are you doing?"

Slightly startled, she turned around to face him. "Helping you pack?" She hadn't done anything wrong, had she?

"You opened that?" There was an edge to his tone; it seemed he was struggling to keep his calm.

"Yeah. Why?"

"They're valuable collectibles. You're not supposed to open them."

"Then how do you play with them?"

"I don't. They're not toys. Well, technically they are, but…" He sighed in frustration. "Look, just give it to me. Go watch TV, play a videogame. I'll finish packing."

She blinked at him and held on to the ship, dropping the box on the floor.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath. "Look, I've been holding on to these model ships for years and…" He lost track of what he was saying and stared at her in horror as she handed him the turian cruiser and started opening the box of the model SSV Everest — the first dreadnought of the Alliance navy.

"You know, you're looking so appalled right now, it makes me want to lock you up in a stasis field and rip all these boxes apart in front of you," she said provokingly.

"I can feel you coming from a mile away, Jane," he retorted, scoffing. "There's no way you could ever get me with your messy biotics."

"Is that a dare?"

They both flared, him a split second after her.

When she tried to hit him with a lift, he sent a weak biotic pulse towards her, just enough to disrupt her barrier, and then, trapped her in stasis. She was no match for him. Yet. Damn her if she wasn't going to be the best in her class once AIT started next week.

She tried to free herself but, using just her mind, without being able to move her arms, she couldn't generate a mass effect field strong enough to negate his.

His gaze traveled up and down her body and settled on her eyes that were glaring daggers at him. "You know, it's really hard to stay mad at you when you're just in your underwear all the time." He licked his lips and she, too, almost forgot she was angry at him.

If she could have talked, she would have reminded him that the only time  _he_  had worn any pants this week had been when they were with his parents. And, no, that wasn't a complaint.

He picked up the model of the SSV Everest from where it had fallen on the floor and turned it around in his hand to see if it was broken. Luckily, it was all in one piece. Looking down, he shook his head and let out a tired sigh.

"Here. You can have it if you want it," he told her, before releasing her from the stasis.

With a petulant look on her face, she crossed her arms in front of her chest. "I don't. Thanks."

"Just take it."

"I want that one." She nodded towards the unopened box of the SSV Geneva — the Alliance cruiser that, under Admiral Drescher's command, had taken point in the battle to take Shanxi back from the turians during the First Contact War.

"God, Jane. You're the worst, you know that?"

"Can I have it or not?"

His eyes went from her to the box and then down. It seemed he wasn't going to agree with her and, blowing out an annoyed huff, she stalked out of this bedroom.

She grabbed a beer from the fridge and slumped on the couch, making a point of not turning on the TV. The furniture had come with the apartment, so they didn't have to worry about it. It was only in Kaidan's room that there was still some packing to be done, but since he had dismissed her help, he was on his own now.

There was nothing better for her to do, so she decided to check her messages. Jarell had written her, wanting to see her once she was back at Arcturus. Sure, why not? She made arrangements to meet up with him on Friday, while Kaidan would be involved with his PFT.

She had finished her beer and was about to go get another one when Kaidan came into the room and sat with her on the couch.

"Here." The model SSV Geneva was in his extended hand, out of its box.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Lisa had only seen the SSV Geneva in vids and documentaries about the First Contact War but, as far as she knew, this little replica seemed perfect. There were a lot of details and small parts. It was not a simple toy. It looked expensive, and she felt bad for having opened those first two boxes, making him open a  _third_  one,  _and_  for having dropped the SSV Everest.

"I can't take it. I'm sorry. I should've never opened them in the first place."

"Just keep it, you know, to remind you of this week."

She looked into his eyes. This had been the best week she had had in ages; she didn't need a souvenir to remember it. "Kaidan, I could never forget this."

"I want you to have it anyway."

She ran a finger appreciatively along the length of the ship and flashed him her crooked smile. "Okay, thank you."

He smiled back at her and she waved the ship around, 'flying' it towards him.

"Pew, pew, pew."

He chuckled. "That's definitely not the sound of an Alliance cruiser shooting."

"You're no fun," she replied, playfully hitting him on the forehead with the ship's nose.

Snatching the toy from her, he held her hand. "Oh, I am. Come here."

Kaidan led her back into his bedroom and her eyes widened in surprise.

"You opened them all?"

The model ships were all scattered on his bed, out of their boxes.

"Can't play with them otherwise, right?"

"Which one is that?" She pointed to the largest one.

"That's a quarian liveship. The Rayya."

She picked it up. "Oh, wow! It's really cool."

They sat on the bed among the ships and Kaidan started to tell her about each one of them. As Lisa watched him talk — and pestered him, crashing ships into him as he batted her hands away — she thought that she was going to miss this like mad once she was back at Arcturus. Intimacy had come so easy for them. Hopefully, it wouldn't be too long before they could do this again.


	19. Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes on boot camp and Biotic AIT for the Alliance Military: I'm considering all biotic abilities available in ME1 (plus Pull) to be the basic ones. Biotic soldiers in training will learn them all. This means Sentinels know and use Warp and Vanguards know and use Stasis and so on. Also, everyone learns how to shoot with all types of guns during boot camp. Kaidan might not be a good sniper and Shepard might not be the best with an assault rifle, but they know how to, and can use, all guns.

04/10/2172

Lisa's tool chirped. It was a vid-call from Kaidan.

"Hey, sweetheart. I passed the PFT."

"I knew you would."

"And, guess what? Got a perfect score!"

"Really? Congratulations! Damn it, I'm jealous." She scowled playfully and he chuckled.

"Where are you? Thought we could celebrate."

"I'm at…" She looked at Jarell, who shook his head in a vehement no. They were at the empty construction site on top of the officer's apartments that was  _his_  sort of secret place and Lisa wouldn't share it with anyone, not even Kaidan, unless her friend was okay with it. And, apparently, he wasn't. "I'll come find you. Tell me where you are."

Kaidan looked at her with one eyebrow raised. "Who else is there with you?"

She stretched her omni-tool arm so Jarell was on the frame. "Say hi, JT."

"You're not going to start calling me that, Shepard."

"You gave  _me_  a nickname; I can't give you one?"

"If you come up with something more creative than JT, then,  _maybe_ , I'll be okay with it."

"Oh, like  _Scar_  for the girl with the huge ass scar on her face," she teased him. "Yeah, very creative."

"Jane," Kaidan called out impatiently, trying to interrupt them.

"I never said it was a good nickname," Jarell said.

"Fine. Corporal Turner, then," she replied and he rolled his eyes.

"Jane!" Kaidan tried to get her attention again. "Where are you?" he asked, frowning, when she appeared back on the screen.

"Nowhere. I'm coming to find you."

* * *

04/14/2172

Lisa was exhausted and drenched in sweat. At least, in her new quarters with the other biotics that were in AIT with her, it was easier to find an available shower; they were just twenty-four sharing a dorm that was meant for forty people.

This had been only her second day of training, but they had been given amps today and, despite all the preparation they had done for this moment the day before, the instant Lieutenant Mitra had slid the amp into her headjack for the first time, it had felt like her implants were going to explode and her brain was boiling inside her skull.

She had tried to contain her reaction and control the flow of dark energy, but hadn't been able to until she had discharged against one of the practice targets.

The Antares I, manufactured by Aldrin Labs, was the weak amp that the Alliance had provided to all biotics in training. They would get a better one once they completed the AIT, but even a weak one was a huge difference from no amp at all. Despite how much her head was hurting, Lisa still found it much easier to channel energy to get the result she wanted with the amp and she was also able to pull off more attacks in less time without getting drained.

Hours later, although her implants didn't feel like they were going to melt her brain anymore, she still had a very bad headache. Adapting to the amp would take some time.

When she came out of the shower, Kaidan was waiting for her with a protein bar and an energy drink and that definitely improved her mood. It was amazing how he always knew how to make her feel better.

A few days ago, he had been upset with her because she had gone to see Jarell without telling him about it. She didn't know why he would take issue with that. The corporal was her friend. Nothing else. Maybe she should arrange for the three of them to meet, go out for drinks together. Perhaps, if Kaidan and Jarell got to know each other better, they could all be friends.

* * *

04/18/2172

Kaidan thought Jarell would meet him and Jane at the bar. Instead, the guy was at her dorm when he got there. Kaidan checked his tool and saw that he was right on time. That meant Jarell had arrived early, probably to spend some time with Jane without her boyfriend around.

As if he weren't annoyed enough already, Kaidan saw the guy running his fingers on the back of her neck, over her headjack.

"Does it always get this hot?" Jarell asked her.

"No. Only when I use the amp for too long."

"Ahem." Kaidan cleared his throat, making Jane and her friend turn to look at him.

"Kaidan!" Jane threw her arms around him and gave him a peck on the lips. "This is Jarell. I mean, Corporal Turner."

"Recruit," Jarell greeted Kaidan, at the same time reminding him he was supposed to get a salute.

 _Great._  Kaidan saluted the guy while trying to remember why he had agreed to this in the first place. Oh, right. Jane had insisted, and she had so few friends, that Kaidan hadn't had the heart to refuse, even though he wasn't sure if friendship was all Jarell wanted from her.

"Nah, man. I'm just kidding," the guy said with a wide smile. "It's Saturday night and we're off-duty. No saluting tonight."

Kaidan was more at ease after that and, about an hour later, he had decided he had to give the corporal some credit. The guy had been talking to him the whole time and was really trying to be nice. Even if he was just doing it for Jane, it was fine, because Kaidan was just doing this for her, too. And, she needed to have people who truly cared about her around.

Two hours later, Kaidan was sure he and Jarell could be friends like Jane wanted. They had exchanged stories and even found a few things in common. Very few, truth be told, but enough to keep the conversation going. They both liked hockey and their favorite beer was the same. Jarell had even told him some funny story about the orphanage and Kaidan had shared an inconsequential one about his time on Jump Zero.

Three hours later and Kaidan wanted to punch the guy. Biotics held their liquor much better than most people. He was fine and so was Jane, but Jarell was getting drunk and way too comfortable with her. Kaidan looked away for a few seconds, just to call the waiter, and, when he looked back, Jarell was whispering something in her ear. Jane tried to fill him in whatever her friend had been saying, but Kaidan replied that it was okay and he didn't want to know.

"Maybe we should go," she suggested and Kaidan immediately agreed. She had probably noticed Jarell's behavior was starting to upset him.

Kaidan thought that it was just his luck that this guy would be a loving drunk. It made him wonder if, at Jane's graduation, Jarell had gotten this handsy with her, too.

When they were leaving the bar, the guy pulled her into a hug and kissed the top of her head, saying that he had missed her badly.

Jane chuckled and gently pulled away from him. "I better make sure he gets to his bunk," she told Kaidan. "See you tomorrow?"

"What? No. I mean, I'll come with you," he said, trying to keep his cool and not seem too jealous. Thankfully, she agreed without protest.

Jarell kept bumping into her as they walked and she kept pushing him away. Playfully, and not seriously, Kaidan noticed. He wasn't finding it funny, despite how much both soldiers were laughing. Even though Kaidan wasn't that much older than Jane, sometimes it felt like a lifetime.

"Wait. Do you know where his bunk is?" He halted midstep. So much for pretending he wasn't jealous...

"I know his block and floor. Why? I'm sure someone there can point us to his bed."

"I'm not that drunk. I can find my own bunk," Jarell protested and then burst into laughter when he realized his sentences had rhymed.

Jane leaned on her friend, she, too, doubling over in a fit of laughter. "You're a fucking poet, Jarell," she said breathlessly.

Kaidan rolled his eyes. A lifetime, indeed.

The barracks for the soldiers serving at the station were not like the officers' apartments. They were shared quarters with twenty bunks each. There was no privacy. Still, for some reason, Kaidan was relieved his girlfriend didn't know which bed was Jarell's.

After they finally dropped the corporal off, Kaidan walked her to her quarters and they stopped at the door to say goodbye. The hallway was empty and the lights were dimmed, so he took the opportunity to push her against the wall, his lips crashing against hers in a bruising kiss.

She responded in kind, winding her arms around his neck and parting her legs so he could slide a knee between her thighs. He wanted to fuck her so badly; she was his girlfriend. His. And, seeing that other guy touching her—twice on her shoulder, three times on her hands, and even on her knee once, whispering something in her ear, hugging… damn, it had annoyed the hell out of him.

He grabbed her ass and lifted her, pinning her between him and the wall and grinding his erection against her core. Despite how fast her legs had wrapped around his waist, she found it in herself to remind him they could not do that there.

Kaidan growled in frustration as he set her down. They both looked around, trying to think of a place where they could finish this without being caught. Jane took his hand, leading him to the showers, and he was grateful that, this late at night, the place was empty. They hastily got inside, locking the door behind them.

For a moment, Kaidan thought that maybe they should be talking instead of making out. It upset him that she couldn't see that Jarell was not looking to her for just friendship, and, yeah, Kaidan was jealous and these things shouldn't be left unresolved. But then she opened his jeans, sliding them down along with his underwear, and he forgot about everything else as she dropped to her knees in front of him.

* * *

 

06/05/2172

After weeks of hard work, 2nd Lieutenant Mitra and Staff Lieutenant Kyle were proud to announce that all the twenty-four soldiers they had been training had excelled in all basic biotic abilities—barrier, stasis, lift, pull, throw, warp and singularity—and were going to graduate.

Each of these kids had their strengths, of course. Some could channel more energy than others into an attack; some were faster to pull off a move; some, like Shepard, could easily chain two or three powerful attacks without getting a nosebleed or feeling lightheaded. And, finally, some of them were not only talented biotics; they had also come with a commendation from their DIs on the above average skills with firearms they had shown during boot camp.

Taking all these factors into consideration, Mitra and Kyle assigned their students to their classes in the Alliance, now that their AIT had come to an end. For the next few months, these kids would be taking class-specific training.

Lisa waited in her dress uniform with the other adepts-to-be to exchange a salute and hear a few words from their instructors. The future sentinels were lined up behind them. The vanguards stood up front. Graduating from AIT didn't have a pompous ceremony like graduating from Basic. There were no guests, the brass didn't attend, and there was no leave afterwards either. Class-training would start in two days.

After they were done, Lisa went for a beer with the guys she had grown closer to in these past weeks—Jones, Saito and Mikhailovich. Parker had used to hang out with them, but had refused the invitation this time, quickly disappearing with the other future vanguards. Lisa was surprised that Parker would just dump them like that, but Jones explained that most vanguards tended not to mix much with the other classes of biotics.

"They think they're better than everyone else. Always acting superior," Jones scoffed. She and Saito were going to be sentinels, while Mikhailovich was going to be an adept.

Lisa just shook her head. At least the others seemed like they were still going to be around. All in all, she was happy with the outcome of her AIT. Adept was the right option for her; she wasn't exactly a great shot, always going for three bullets in the chest instead of one in the head during the combat training sessions in the simulation room, and there had always been a lot of fumbling whenever she had had to assemble a sniper rifle.

Tonight, she and her friends decided they were going to get wasted. Although it wasn't exactly easy or fast for biotics to get drunk, they were determined to beat their own bodies and accelerated metabolisms. This was their idea of having some fun before training started again on Monday.

After being kicked out of the first bar they had gone to for repeatedly using their biotics to pull drinks that weren't meant for them from the waiters' trays, they stopped by a convenience store. They all chipped in to buy a few bottles of some cheap vodka and were trying to figure out where they could go to drink them when Mikhailovich said his father's apartment was empty this weekend.

The scanner on the door was set to recognize him, so they had no trouble getting in. Lisa had never been inside an officer's quarters before. This one was tiny, grey, and with old and worn furniture. The lack of personal effects didn't surprise her; soldiers moved around much and living lean made things easier.

"Why don't you live here with your dad?" Jones asked Mikhailovich.

"I don't know. He thinks living in the barracks with the others is an important part of being a marine. He says it builds character." He shrugged and added, "Or something like that."

As they settled around the table, Saito went straight into the kitchen, searching the cabinets for shot glasses. When he found them, he asked Mikhailovich for a deck of cards so they could play a drinking game.

Saito then started a very long explanation about the rules of the game he wanted to play, in which each card meant a different action they had to perform and not all of them involved drinking.

"How about we each take a card from the deck and whoever gets the lowest has to drink a shot?" Jones suggested instead, interrupting Saito.

Lisa liked Jones; she was always practical and straight to the point. They all agreed to her idea and played several rounds in a quick succession until they had emptied the first bottle.

Saito looked at it and spoke as if he had had the greatest idea ever. "Let's play spin the bottle!" He settled it on the floor and Jones and Mikhailovich immediately took their places around it.

Lisa thought Jones must be drunk already if she was thinking kissing either Saito or Mikhailovich was a good idea. "I don't think I should be playing this. I have a boyfriend and–"

"C'mon, Shepard. Don't be a stick in the mud."

"It's just kissing."

 _Just_  kissing? That was still a pretty big deal for her. "Why don't we spin the bottle and then whoever gets it drinks a shot and there's no kissing involved?"

"Fine by me," Jones promptly agreed.

The men were glaring at her, but Lisa didn't care. She had told Kaidan she was going out for a beer with her friends because it was their last day of AIT and he had said it was okay and that he would see her tomorrow. If he knew 'going out for a beer' meant getting wasted on vodka in an empty apartment and kissing other guys, he probably wouldn't have been so fast to agree.

They were halfway through the second bottle when Lisa got up to use the bathroom. The room seemed to spin around her and she had to lean on the wall for an instant. She was definitely drunk now. When she came back, Jones and Saito were all over each other, making out on the floor. Their kisses were sounding so wet and loud; it was disgusting.

Fuck. Dropping to the floor, Lisa grabbed the vodka and took a swig straight from the bottle.

"So…" Mikhailovich, who was sitting across from her, wiggled his brows, staring at her face like a creep.

She kicked him. "Don't make this weird."

The guy moved over to sit by her side and elbowed her. "C'mon, Shepard. Who's gonna know? It's just us here."

" _I_  will know," she replied, her tone dead serious.

It was unusual for her to have men wanting to be with her like this, even if it was just for one night of fooling around with no strings attached. At school, either on Mindoir or in Vancouver, no boys had ever been interested in her. Among soldiers, however, no one would give two shits about scars or biotics, and sometimes she would catch a guy checking her out or even hitting on her. Not that it made any difference. She had a boyfriend whom she loved and Mikhailovich was just a friend. Damn, why did he have to make this awkward?

* * *

Since Jane was out with her friends, Kaidan thought this would be a good opportunity to catch up with Dell. They hadn't really had a chance to talk yet after Kaidan had moved to Arcturus. Wanting a change from the perfectly balanced, healthy, and usually tasteless military rations, they went to an area of the station where the lodgings for civilians were located. Families, reporters, politicians, and other civilians who either worked at, or were visiting Arcturus, stayed in that area, so there were a few fast-food restaurants, a sushi bar, and even a steakhouse there. Kaidan would have preferred the latter to the burger joint where he and Dell were seated at right now, but the steakhouse was very expensive and he'd rather save it to visit on a special occasion with Jane.

"Did Shepard tell you about her class?"

"Yeah, she texted me right after you dismissed them."

"You'd be a great adept, too, man. When is your graduation?"

"Next week. Uh… are you going to be my AIT instructor?" Kaidan thought that would be really weird, since Mitra was younger than him and they had attended BAaT together.

"Honestly, I don't think you have to go through AIT. It's biotic training for beginners; you definitely don't need it. You should take the Vocational Battery and go straight to class-training."

"How do I do that?"

"Lieutenant Kyle is the one in charge of the AIT program for biotics. I can't dismiss you from training; I answer to him. But, I'll talk to him and tell him you learned the basics at BAaT. He'll want to see a demonstration, but that should be no problem for you. Kat skipped AIT, too, when she joined. She's a vanguard now."

Kaidan knew that several kids that had gone to Brain Camp with him had joined the Alliance afterwards. However, of his closest friends, only Kat and Dell were currently serving. "Is she at the station?"

"No. She's serving at the HQ in Vancouver."

"And what about Mark? How are things between you two?"

Mitra blew out a sad sigh. "He's living in London. The distance is killing us. I even considered asking him to marry me, just so I could bring him to live here."

"Whoa, Dell. Are you serious? You're too young to get married."

"I know. You don't need to tell me twice; I gave up on that idea. Mark is in college and I shouldn't get in the way. I don't think we'll last much longer, though. Long distance relationships are tough. It was Christmas the last time we saw each other, and he gets really upset when there's a holiday or some special occasion and I can't come."

"I'm sorry, man." Kaidan could relate. After New Year's Eve, he and Jane had spent three months apart and he had almost gone insane. Relationships between a soldier and a civilian hardly worked. He knew very well how much effort his parents had put into theirs so they could last. His father had missed more birthdays and anniversaries than he had been there for.

"What about you and Shepard?"

"We're good." Kaidan tried not to speak too enthusiastically about his relationship when his friend had just confessed his was crumbling. He didn't want it look like he was boasting.

"Great, man. I'm glad. Uh… can I ask you something about her?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"I tried to talk to her about , but she wouldn't tell me anything. It's just that... Jones told me Shepard woke up the whole dorm the other night, flaring and screaming because of a nightmare. Do you know anything about that?"

Kaidan tightened his grip on his glass, his free hand clenching into a fist over the table. "Damn. I hate not being there."

"So, you do know, then. How often does it happen?"

"I have no idea. It happened only once when we were together and she refused to talk about it. Fuck. I should've insisted."

"I know she doesn't like shrinks much, but I've been thinking about recommending her for psychological counseling. Kyle could talk to someone to make it mandatory for her to be able to continue her training."

"Why do you say she doesn't like shrinks?"

"Well, she was assigned a psychologist right after her rescue, but she never really talked to him. The guy would go in to see her every single day and still couldn't get her to tell him anything about the attack or her family."

"Why not? How was she when she got there?" Kaidan couldn't resist taking this chance to try and learn more about Jane. It was so frustrating how guarded she was about everything.

Mitra looked down and took a deep breath. "You… do you really want to know about this?"

"Yeah, I do." This was probably going to make him feel guilty about the way he had treated Jane when they'd first met, but… yeah, he really wanted to know. What she had gone through, a tragedy of that scale, had affected every single aspect of her life. If he knew more about it, perhaps he would get better at helping her get over it.

"I saw her for the first time the day after she was rescued. They called me because her biotics had manifested when she had woken up from surgery and I was the only biotic at the station at the moment. She was… bad. She wouldn't talk, she wouldn't even move, just staring at the same spot for hours." Mitra shook his head. "You know how eager the Alliance can get when it comes to recruiting biotics, right?"

Kaidan nodded in agreement.

"Well," Mitra continued, "they didn't give her enough time to recover from the first set of surgeries before putting her through another one to give her the L3 implants. I'm sure you remember the pain of waking up after getting your implants, right? The headaches, the constant buzzing in your ears, the pressure inside your head that makes you want to crush your skull against the wall…" He let out a bitter, mirthless laugh. "We might be familiar with this kind of pain now, because of our L2 implants, but imagine that along with everything else she was going through?"

Kaidan had no idea things had gone down like that for her. If only she had told him… But, back then, it probably wouldn't have made any difference—he had been too busy trying to avoid her and blaming her untamed biotics for his migraines.

"I should've gotten her an omni-tool before she went to Earth. Civilian life doesn't agree with biotics. I bet she would've liked to have kept in touch with me and a few other soldiers."

"Hey, you helped her a lot, Dell. She's not very good at showing affection, but I know she likes you and she's grateful for everything you and the Alliance have done for her. That's why she's here."

"Yeah, but I wish I could do more. She's still traumatized."

"Recovering from something like that is a slow process, but I think she's getting better."

"I don't know, man. She still won't tell anyone her name and there are these nightmares, too…"

"Wait. What do you mean 'she won't tell anyone her name'?"

"Why? Did she tell you? Do you know her name?"

Kaidan froze and swallowed hard, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer to his next question. "Isn't it  _Jane_?"

Dell looked at him with furrowed eyebrows. "Do you seriously not know? She was unconscious when she arrived here and she had no identification. And, then, after she woke up, she wouldn't talk. So Jane is the name we gave her. You know, Jane Doe."

"WHAT?"


	20. Enough

Were it any other name, it wouldn't be this bad. But,  _Jane Doe_ … that was the worst name he could imagine. Kaidan immediately sent her a text saying that they needed to talk. There was no reply, so he called her. No answer. Fuck.

"Kaidan, calm down, man. She's out with her friends. They're celebrating. You can talk about this some other time."

"I have to go." Shaking his head, Kaidan left as if he hadn't even heard what Mitra had just said.

How could she do that to him? To herself? Let him call her by that awful name when they were making love, when he'd told her he loved her… He'd trusted her, had opened himself up to her, and she hadn't even told him her real name. What else had she hidden from him? What other lies had she told him?

"She's not here," he uttered, his irritation clear in his tone when Dell found him pacing by the door to her dorm.

His friend had brought him his burger in a paper bag and shoved it in his hands. As if he had an appetite to eat anything right now.

"You're overreacting, man. Why don't you eat and go get some rest?"

Kaidan took a deep breath, trying to find a polite way to tell Dell to fuck off. "I will as soon as I talk to her. You don't need to keep me company."

"With no one here to distract you, you're going to be overthinking this and nothing good will come out of it. Shepard's a good kid. I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt you."

"Dell, you don't understand. Jane, or whatever her name is, and I are… were more serious than you think. Or, at least I thought we were… Damn. I need to talk to her and settle this. Tonight. I'm not postponing this conversation, so don't bother defending her and asking me to let this go because I won't."

Mitra nodded, but didn't leave until Kaidan had eaten his burger and seemed to have cooled off a little. "Just… don't do anything stupid, man, and call me if you need to talk," he told Kaidan before going back to his quarters.

A couple of hours later, Kaidan was growing impatient again and went into her dorm. The wait was turning out to be much longer than he had expected, and it would be less uncomfortable if he waited sitting on her bed instead of on the floor. There were several other soldiers in their bunks already. The model SSV Geneva he had given her was dangling over her bed, tied with string to a slat from the bed on top of hers. He ripped it off and sat on her bunk, staring at the little ship as he remembered that perfect week they had spent together at his apartment in Vancouver.

_Perfect_. He let out a self-deprecating laugh. What did he know? He'd thought he was with the woman he loved; instead he was fucking Jane Doe. She had never trusted him; not even with her name. Everyone knew more about her than him; his mother, Mitra… damn, his father must have known Jane wasn't her real name. If only he had been on speaking terms with the old man at the time he had rescued her, if he had asked… No, this was not his fault. It was hers. Kaidan had told her about Jump Zero, Rahna, Vyrnnus, about his faulty implants, and his migraines. He had confided in her like he'd never had in anyone before her and what had he gotten in return? He didn't even know her fucking name.

He threw the ship hard against the wall, smashing it into pieces.

"Hey, trying to sleep here," someone complained from one of the other bunks.

Kaidan said nothing, just lay down on her bed. It didn't smell like her; she had probably changed the sheets today. Good.

Another hour later, when he fell asleep, his anger had subsided and only sadness and disappointment were left. Of all the things they had talked about, was there any truth to any of it?

* * *

06/06/2172

Lisa woke up feeling like shit. Her tongue was like sandpaper in her mouth, she had a pounding headache, and even the dull light of Jones' omni-tool was hurting her eyes. Was this what a hangover felt like? Kaidan had told her she had to keep herself fed and hydrated if she didn't want this to happen, but she had done none of those things last night, and she didn't remember ever having drunk this much before. To make things worse, she had fallen asleep on the cold, hard floor.

Squinting, she noticed Jones was lighting the way for Saito as he placed a bowl of water on the floor next to the couch where Mikhailovich was sleeping. Then, he gingerly pulled the guy's hand down, so it was inside the bowl.

Trying to muffle their giggles, Jones and Saito carefully stepped away from the couch. Lisa instantly got to her feet, before they decided to pull a prank on her, too. She sneaked out of the apartment with them, wincing at how much light there was on the outside, even if it was just artificial.

They were all starving, so they went for breakfast before going back to their quarters. Lisa saw a text and a few missed calls from Kaidan, but thought it was too early in the morning to call him back.

The memories of the last night were a bit hazy in her mind. Did Mikhailovich try to kiss her?

"Jones, about last night…"

"What? You don't remember?" Saito chimed in. "You and Mikha were all over each other."

All the blood drained from her face and Lisa felt like she was going to throw up.

Jones punched Saito on the arm. "Don't be an ass. Fucker." She turned to Lisa, "He's messing with you, Shepard. When Mikha tried to kiss you, you caught him in a lift and dropped him on the couch. He was so wasted, he didn't even try to get up and just fell asleep right there."

Lisa breathed out, relieved. "Thank God."

After breakfast, when she was finally back in the barracks, she was startled to find Kaidan on her bed. Had something happened? She was going to wake him up when she saw the smashed SSV Geneva. Her heart tightened in her chest as she knelt on the floor to gather up the broken pieces of the ship. There was definitely something wrong.

She deposited the remnants of the toy inside the metal trunk that contained her belongings at the foot of her bed. It didn't seem like it could be fixed. If she glued all those broken parts back together, it would probably look awful. But, she wasn't ready to throw it away just yet.

Every night before bed, she used to run her fingers along the smooth surface of the little ship and find comfort in the fact that it was the last thing she saw before falling asleep, because of all the good memories that were associated with it. Her nightmares had been much less frequent after she had hung it over her bed, and she didn't think it was just a coincidence.

Tears burned in the back of her eyes, but she quickly willed them away. It was just a toy, and it was stupid to cry over a toy, wasn't it? Attributing that much sentimental value to it had probably been stupid, too. It was just that everyone else seemed to have things they cherished from their childhood and things that had been given to them by loved ones, and this model ship was all she had. Everything else she possessed was just stuff to cover the bare necessities, like clothes and a toothbrush.

Damn it, she needed to know what had happened. Sitting on the edge of her bed, she put a hand on her boyfriend's shoulder. "Kaidan," she called softly.

He moaned and his hand covered hers. She insisted, until he blinked a few times and yawned. As he saw her, he pushed her hand away from him and sat up.

"Is everything all right?" she asked.

"What time is it?"

"0700. Why?"

"Where were you? Those are your clothes from yesterday, aren't they? Where did you spend the night?" He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes. "Fuck! You don't need to answer. I don't care."

"Kaidan, what's going on?"

He got up and began pacing in front of her bunk. "What's your name?"

"What?"

"What. Is. Your. Name?"

Oh, fuck. He knew. Between his hostile tone, gritted teeth, and clenched fists, she could tell he was fuming.

The dorm was completely quiet. Everyone in there was staring at them.

"Maybe we shouldn't do this here." She led the way out and he followed. They couldn't lock themselves in the showers now; there were always people there in the morning. So they just went to the end of the hallway and she hoped no one would approach close enough to hear what they were saying.

"J– Shep–" He shook his head and dragged his hands over his face. "What should I call you? Is Shepard even your last name?"

"It is."

"And should I just believe you when you say that?"

Okay, perhaps she deserved that but, still, it annoyed her. She powered on her tool and showed him her brother's profile on a social networking site.

"Jeremy Shepard," Kaidan read out loud. "That doesn't prove anything."

She opened a page with her brother's pictures and skimmed through them one by one so Kaidan could see them. Her eyes filled with tears and she looked away. There was a reason she never looked at those pictures; it still hurt too damn much. Most of them were just her brother with his friends, but there were a couple with her parents and her grandma.

Kaidan pushed her arm away. "You're not in any of those pictures."

"I told you Jeremy didn't like me much, remember? But, you could see the farm, right? And my parents? People used to say I looked like my father…" She took a deep, steadying breath. She wasn't going to cry in the middle of the barracks. No way.

Their eyes locked for an instant and she thought he wasn't so mad anymore. Maybe he had noticed the resemblance. "There… there are no other pictures left or I would've showed you," she continued. "I never had a profile on any of these sites." Why would she when she didn't have any friends to add anyway?

"Okay,  _Shepard_ ," he tried it. "But, what about your first name? Why would you let me call you by some other name when we were together, when I said I loved you," he lowered his voice to a whisper, "when we were having sex?"

It made her feel guilty how heartbroken he sounded, even though she had never meant to hurt him. "I'm sorry. I don't know. It never–"

"If you say it never came up, I swear to God, Ja–Shepard…"

Great, she had managed to make him angry again and that had been exactly what she was going to say. "That  _wasn't_  what I was going to say."

He ignored the obvious lie. "How about all the times I called you  _Jane_? That's how many times it came up. Or that week we spent together at my apartment… you could've told me then. That week meant everything to me and I thought… damn! I thought it had meant the same to you."

"Is that why you broke my ship?" she asked quietly. "Because you think that week didn't mean anything to me?"

He didn't say anything so she continued. "Ever since you gave me that ship, I've kept it over my bed so it's the last thing I look at before I fall asleep. That's the only way I see something good, instead of death and destruction, when I close my eyes. I needed it, Kaidan." Her voice broke at the end, but she quickly recomposed herself with a sharp intake of breath. "That's how much it meant to me. That ship, that week, you. Fuck." She turned away from him, angry and disappointed in him, and in herself. They were both handling this poorly and making things worse.

There was a pregnant pause before he spoke. "I'm sorry, okay? It wasn't my best moment," he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck.

They were quiet again for a long time, both facing away from each other. She really wanted to fix this, but she didn't know how. Would it be okay if she touched him? As she hesitantly reached for his hand, dark energy swirled around his fingers and he pulled away.

"Don't," he uttered without heat, but she still thought it was best not to insist. "I still don't know your first name, or where you spent the night, or what's going on between you and that friend of yours from the orphanage. I can't keep going like this. You never let me in. You don't tell me anything. This is not how relationships work. You're too… immature, Shepard."

She thought it was best not to go into any details about last night. Two girls and two guys getting drunk in an empty apartment wouldn't look good, and it wouldn't help her case right now. Swallowing hard around the lump in her throat, she moved forward. "It's Lisa, all right? Lisa Mae. It's a stupid farm girl name. I'm not that girl anymore, so it doesn't matter."

"It matters to me, Shepard. And if you think it doesn't, if you think I'd be okay with calling you by the wrong name, then you don't know me at all. Why wouldn't you tell me? Why would you let me learn this from someone else?"

"You don't understand. When I woke up here after the surgeries, people were calling me Jane Doe. They had no other option, since I didn't want to talk to anyone, and I had no ID. And, honestly, I couldn't find it in myself to care about what they were calling me, so… I just let them," she tried to explain.

"But, you told them your last name."

"That was later. I couldn't be Jane  _Doe_  when I went to the orphanage or to school."

"Does Jarell know your name? Did you tell him?"

"Why? What difference does it make?"

Kaidan rolled his eyes. "'What difference does it make?' How can you be so oblivious?"

There's  _nothing_  between me and Jarell, Kaidan. There never has been."

He grabbed her arm a bit too forcefully. "No? So, where did you sleep last night? Weren't you with him at your  _secret_  place?"

"Hey!" she yanked her arm out of his grasp. His control must have been slipping, because his touch left her biotics in complete turmoil. "No! I was with my friends from AIT, like I told you. You think I'd lie to you?"

"How the hell am I supposed to know? Haven't you been lying this whole time?"

Her blood boiled in her veins and she took a determined step towards him, getting in his face. "No, I haven't. I'm not a–"

"Hell, Shepard! You smell like booze." He snorted, shaking his head.

Immediately, she stepped back and looked down, crossing her arms defensively over her chest.

"This… this is not working. I don't think you're ready to be in a relationship," Kaidan muttered.

Her eyes widened and, when she looked at him, he avoided meeting her gaze. "Are you breaking up with me?"

He raked his fingers through his hair, still not making eye contact. "I… I don't know. I guess I am. I can't be around you right now, Shepard. I need time to… to think about all this, and I think you need it, too. You need to grow up."

"Kaidan, please, I'm sorry. I don't know how to… I don't have… I'm not…" Fuck, she hated the pleading tone in her voice. What to say, how to fix this, she didn't know. She was feeling embarrassed and humiliated. He was probably right—she wasn't ready for a relationship; she didn't even know how to handle a breakup or whatever the hell it was that had just happened.

Looking down, Kaidan just shook his head and walked away. Jones and Saito hurried to Lisa's side, but she dismissed them. They were very nice company to go out and have fun with, but she wasn't going to confide in them; they weren't that close. Stalking out of the barracks, she went to find a place where no one would bother her.

* * *

"I think he broke up with me, Emz."

"Are you all right? Where are you?"

"Here." Lisa held her omni-tool arm up and waved with the other at the completely dark background.

"I can't see anything," Emily said.

"It's because it's a secret place," Lisa whispered conspiratorially.

Emily frowned. "Are you drunk?"

"Getting there." Lisa showed her friend the half empty bottle of vodka.

"Tell me what happened."

"I don't know. He thinks I'm a liar. It's all my fault."

Emily approached the screen, squinting. "Are you in your dress uniform?"

Lisa looked down as if she was only realizing it now. "Yeah, I guess I am."

"What time is it there?"

"About 11 am. I mean, 1100."

"Have you been wearing that uniform since yesterday?"

Flushing with embarrassment, she scratched her scarred cheek. "Maybe."

"Did you get any sleep?"

Lisa rolled her eyes and dropped her tool arm to her lap. This hadn't been why she had called Emily. Kaidan had already made her feel bad enough when he had smelled alcohol on her.

"Fine, just tell me what happened," Emily said, despite not being able to see her friend's face.

There were a few moments of silence. The sound of Lisa sucking in a ragged breath was the only sign that the call hadn't been disconnected.

"Hey, Jane, it's okay. You know you can talk to me, right?"

Suddenly, there was a lot of interference on the screen as it moved around erratically.

"Fuck!"

"Jane? What's going on? Please, point this damn thing at your face before I get motion sickness."

"My biotics are still all riled up, I needed to discharge." There was a lot of interference on the screen again as Lisa released a singularity next to the entrance of the abandoned construction site. Of all the tricks she had learned to perform with her biotics, singularity was the most draining one.

"Jane, are you there?"

" _Jane,_ " Lisa snickered, the holo-screen finally in front of her again. "That's not my name. That's why he broke up with me."

"What do you mean?"

"When I got here after the attack, no one knew who I was, so they called me Jane Doe."

"Oh, no."

"They could call me whatever they wanted for all I cared."

"That is awful! What is your name?"

"It doesn't matter."

"What should I call you then?"

"Shepard!" someone yelled. Lisa immediately recognized Jarell's deep voice. He had been caught in her singularity.

" _Shepard_  is fine," she told Emily. "I have to go. I'll call you later, okay?"

Emily nodded. "Keep me posted. We'll figure this out," she said before hanging up.

"Don't worry. It'll end in a few seconds," Lisa yelled back at Jarell.

"What is this? This is new, right?" he asked, sounding a little exasperated as her bubble of dark energy kept him off the ground. "It feels weird."

"Watch out!" She grimaced as the singularity faded and he fell on his ass.

"Fuck, Shepard! Dammit!" He was shaking his head and wiping the dust off of his uniform as he got up and walked towards her. When he got closer, his eyes ran up and down her body, taking in her disheveled look and the bottle in her hand. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. No."

His brows furrowed, his expression turning serious. "What happened?"

"Kaidan, he… he broke up with me."

"Really? Why?" Sitting down by her side, he tried to take the vodka bottle from her, but she tightened her grip around it, glaring at him. He pulled it harder, finally yanking it out of her hand with a grunt. "Hell, Shepard."

"Fine. You can have it. I don't care." She sighed in defeat. "Wanna know what happened? I lied to him. To you. To everyone."

"About what?"

"My name. It's not Jane. That's just the name they gave me here when I was rescued and no one knew who I was."

"Like Jane Doe?"

She nodded in agreement, hoping he wouldn't be too angry at her; she couldn't handle having another argument just yet.

"That's fucked up. What about  _Shepard_? Is that made up, too?"

"No, that's… that's real."

Letting out a breath of relief, he playfully hit her in the arm. "Good thing I never liked to call you 'Jane', huh?"

"Yeah, I guess." She gave him a small, sad smile, which he responded to with a wide grin and pulled her into his lap.

"You can cry if you want, Shepard. I won't tell anyone."

"You… you're a good friend, Jarell. But, I'm fine. I'm not going to cry," she said, her voice breaking.

"I know," he replied, pretending he wasn't seeing the moisture welling up in her brown eyes.

With his hand running up and down her back to comfort her, she buried her face in the crook of his neck and finally allowed herself to shed the tears she'd been holding. The past few hours had been overwhelming and she couldn't hold back her emotions anymore. She loved Kaidan with all her heart, but she had hurt him and he had dumped her. The little SSV Geneva that had gotten her through so many nights was now broken into a dozen pieces and she didn't like the idea of going to sleep without it. And to think she had to be ready for her first day of adept training on Monday morning...

Thankfully, Jarell kept it to himself while she cried, giving her time with her thoughts as he sipped her vodka. After what had happened on Mindoir, the brutal way that everything and everyone had been taken from her, she should've learned not to let herself get this much attached to anything or anyone again. It was all her fault that she was heartbroken and feeling like such a mess right now.

But, she had gotten through much worse and she could and would get through this, too. Luckily, she hadn't fallen apart in front of Kaidan. She didn't want him to think she couldn't handle a breakup like a mature adult.

Some time later, the tears stopped and she took a deep breath, recomposing herself before looking up at Jarell again. She was still feeling badly, but not as miserable as she had been before. He and Emily had been so understanding. Why did Kaidan have to get so upset? No, enough. At this point, dwelling on this would accomplish nothing. He wasn't wrong to be angry at her; she was — for not telling him the truth and letting him learn about her name from someone else. The only problem was that she had never thought it mattered to anyone what they called her. However, to Kaidan, it obviously mattered a great deal.

Her thoughts were disrupted by Jarell gently tracing the scar on her cheek with his thumb, like he had done the first time they had kissed. What the hell! She couldn't deal with this right now. Had Kaidan been right all along? Did Jarell want more than her friendship?

"If you try to kiss me, I'll punch you," she deadpanned, breaking eye contact and pulling away from his touch.

"Hey, I wasn't going to!" he replied defensively, throwing his hands up in the air. "You just broke up with your boyfriend and I was trying to be a good friend and comfort you."

"Really?" she asked, one eyebrow rising in suspicion.

"Yeah, I was totally going to wait until tomorrow to try and kiss you."

Her incredulous look was met with an amused, unapologetic one from him. "Are you messing with me?" Lisa asked.

"I don't know. Am I?"

She smacked him on the back of the head. "Stop it."

"Ouch!" He tried to retaliate, but she ducked. "This behavior is unacceptable, private. Now, stay still so I can smack you back."

"Hahaha! You wish." At least he had made her laugh. He was good at that. "Jarell, I, uh... thanks."

"For what?" He winked at her. "Want to have lunch together?"

"Sure."

"So… what are you going to do? Do you want to get back together with him?" he asked her as they made their way out of the construction site.

_I do. Dammit!_  "Since he was the one who broke things up, I don't think it matters whether I want to get back together with him or not... He said we need time and that I need to grow up."

"Oh, you're grown up enough for me."

"Stop that." She gave him a warning a look. "You're confusing me."

"God, Shepard. Relax. This is just some harmless flirting. For fun, you know? Just trying to cheer you up."

"Fine, it's just…"

"What?"

"Never mind." If Kaidan hadn't been so jealous and worried about Jarell, she wouldn't be acting all suspicious and paranoid like this. What was she thinking? Of course Jarell just wanted her friendship.

They walked in companionable silence for a while until she remembered something that made her stomach turn. "Shit. His graduation ceremony is in less than a month and his parents are going to be here. They'll think it's weird if I don't go, won't they? What should I do, Jarell?"

"Maybe you two will have sorted this out by then."

"I don't think he'll consider a couple of weeks as time enough for me to 'grow up'."

"Hmm, I can come with you to his ceremony if you want."

The irony of that offer wasn't lost on her. Kaidan would  _love_  that. "Thanks, but I think it'll be best if I go alone."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by Mass Effect 2. We all want Kaidan and Shepard to be together, but Kaidan has to act like... Kaidan, right? And, we know that when Shepard had disappointed him, he wasn't as willing to believe in her and as fast to forgive her as the other companions were. Please, try to understand and don't throw bricks at me. I'm already working on the next chapter.


	21. Service

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sharilin made a wonderful render of Lisa Mae Shepard and Kaidan finally getting their happy ending post-ME3. Check it out (and her other amazing Shenko renders) on DeviantArt and/or Tumblr. Look her up. ;)

* * *

Before getting the L3 implants, Lisa Mae Shepard had had no control over her biotics and all she could do was flare. The implants had been what made it possible for her to properly channel and manipulate dark energy. Then, in her second day of AIT, she'd gotten her first bio-amp―the Antares I―and channeling energy became easier, faster, less draining. Now, with a more powerful amp―the Antares III, the standard bio-amp for all biotics in active duty in the Alliance―she was feeling incredibly strong, easily chaining three or four biotic attacks in a row without even breaking a sweat.

However, this time, after she'd gotten her new amp, Kaidan hadn't been there with a smile on his face and a snack to help her recover her energy. She'd gone to eat with Jones, Saito, and Mikha and it hadn't been the same.

She was missing him badly; his touch, the feel of his biotics, talking to him, spending time together… On her end, nothing had changed. She still loved him. The things she had told him about her past, no one else knew. There wasn't anyone she trusted like she trusted him. If only he would see that, despite her not having told him her real name; she'd never meant to lie to him, nor hurt him in any way. It was just that she'd been so confused after her rescue. Whatever they'd been calling her didn't matter when she had been trying to figure out if there was a still a place for her in a galaxy where no one knew her and everyone she had known and loved had been killed.

Since the breakup, she'd been spending her free time either at the gym or at the shooting range. They were nice distractions, but not enough to take her mind completely off how her relationship had ended and how she had disappointed the person she loved most. Ever since the attack, her best, happiest memories had been by his side.

Now, she couldn't wait for her class-training to be over. Hopefully, she wouldn't be stationed at Arcturus; she had had enough of that place. Around every corner, everywhere she looked, everywhere she went, she was constantly hoping, and at the same time dreading, that she would run into him. She wanted to see him, but she feared she wouldn't know what to say and would only make things worse. What if he were still at angry at her? What if he turned his back on her again?

A few days ago, Hendel Mitra had come to talk to her. He'd confirmed what she'd already suspected―that he'd been the one to tell Kaidan that 'Jane' wasn't her real name. He'd been feeling guilty for their breakup and tried to apologize, but she'd stopped him. It hadn't been his fault and Shepard would never blame him for it.

"He wasn't fooling around with you, Shepard. He was in for the long run. That was why not knowing your real name upset him so much. I guess he felt like you weren't invested in the relationship like he was," Mitra had told her. "I saw him after your fight and he didn't look good. He really likes you. Just… give him some time and I think he'll come around."

Every time she'd seen Mitra after that, she'd had to resist the urge to ask him for more information on Kaidan. What else had he told his friend about their breakup? How was he? Was he missing her like she was missing him? Was he still upset? But, it wouldn't be right to drag the lieutenant even deeper into this mess. Although he wasn't her DI anymore, he was still a superior officer and certainly had bigger things to worry about.

* * *

06/29/2172

The psychologist was the last straw. It was just her luck that she would be assigned to the same guy who had treated her before, right after the attack. She hadn't talked to him then and she didn't feel like talking to him now either. Damn, she just needed to get finished with her adept training and get the hell off that space station.

This stupid mandatory appointment with Dr. Clark was all because of a nightmare. It wasn't just a coincidence that, without the model SSV Geneva, she was having bad dreams more often. Usually, she would wake up flaring. Sometimes, there were also tears. But, when she had woken up screaming one night last week, her DIs had gotten word of it and had made her go see a therapist.

"I can't clear you for duty if you don't talk, Shepard."

"Great," she grumbled, feeling like she'd been cheated. "I'm fine."

"Your superiors seem to disagree or you wouldn't be here."

"It's just… my boyfriend. He broke up with me." She decided to give him something so he wouldn't make her life harder.

"Is that what is giving you nightmares?"

 _No. I've been having these nightmares ever since the attack on Mindoir. There are times when they get worse and now is one of those times._ "Yes."

"What happened between you two?"

 _I let him call me by the wrong fucking name for two whole years. He was always honest with me and I didn't reciprocate. I disappointed him, made him lose his trust in me._ "We had a fight."

His next question was about Mindoir. Clearly, he wasn't buying her bullshit story about a fight with her boyfriend being reason enough for her to have nightmares and wake up screaming and flaring in the middle of the night.

Fortunately, it had taken her a long time to start talking in the first place, so she only needed a few more vague answers before her time was up and she could leave. Unfortunately, he said he would have to see her a few more times before he could clear her for action. It seemed she had no option but to cooperate and hope this would be over by the time her training ended, so it wouldn't delay the start of her first tour of duty.

* * *

07/03/2172

Barbra Alenko sent Jane a message telling her where they were and saved her a seat by their side as she sat with her husband to watch their son's graduation ceremony. Minutes later, the girl arrived. She was in her uniform and Rylan saluted her with a proud smile on his face. Barbra hugged her and they settled into their seats just in time for the ceremony to begin.

Tears sprang to the woman's eyes when she spotted her son on the parade deck with his platoon. He looked so handsome in his dress uniform and navy regulation haircut. If not for Jane, Kaidan wouldn't be there now. Barbra would be eternally grateful to the girl for helping him make peace with himself and find his path.

When the ceremony was over, Kaidan went down to meet them. Barbra knew there was something wrong, because he was keeping Jane at arm's length. Whenever those two touched, sparks flew―often, literally. For some reason, Kaidan was avoiding it.

He scowled as Jane facepalmed when a tall, good-looking man, who was also in military uniform, approached them.

"Corporal…?" Rylan asked the man.

"Turner, sir. I'm a friend of Shepard's from the orphanage."

That immediately piqued Barbra's interest. In two years of fostering Jane, the only friend of hers they had met had been Emily Wong. It was good to know she had others. "It's nice to meet you, corporal."

"Please, call me Jarell, ma'am."

"You should come to dinner with us. It's not every day that we meet one of Jane's friends," Rylan said and looked at his wife, who nodded in agreement.

"He can't. He's got that… thing. Right, Jarell?" Jane said, giving her friend a pointed look.

"Nah, the  _thing_  got cancelled. Dinner would be great," Jarell replied with a grin.

Kaidan was glaring at Jane, who was glaring at the corporal. There was something definitely wrong there. If Barbra were going to take a guess, she would say that Kaidan and Jane had had a fight and that Jarell might have had something to do with it.

* * *

At the restaurant, Kaidan went after Shepard when she excused herself to go to the restroom. His father and Jarell were caught up in a conversation about military service and weren't paying much attention to him, but his mother had her eye on him and gave him an encouraging smile as he got up. She'd probably noticed he and Shepard weren't on good terms.

When the girl came out of the restroom, he blocked her path with his body in the narrow hallway, stopping her from heading back to the table. "What is  _he_  doing here? Are you two together?" It came out harsher than he had planned it to be, and he had probably just bought himself a fight.

"What? No! And I didn't invite him here. You saw it," she answered impatiently and tried to sidestep him, but he got on her way again. Looking up at him, she halted but did not step back. "Anything else?"

Even though they weren't touching, they were close enough for him to feel her biotics. God, how he had missed that feeling. Goosebumps rose on his skin as dark energy soared inside him, threatening to burst, and he knew it would only take a brush of his fingers against hers for his control to slip.

"Shepard…" He reached out to touch her, but then thought better of it and retreated.

He'd been really looking forward to seeing her today, but finding out that she had gone to his graduation with Jarell had soured his mood. However, now, with her this close to him and no one else around them, it was impossible to concentrate on being angry at her.

Kaidan had fallen so badly for her; he'd thought she was the one. Damn, who was he kidding? He still loved her madly. Why did she have to lie? He shook his head and sighed. Twice he had fallen in love and both times he'd ended up heartbroken. He should've learned his lesson the first time. He should've waited longer before having Shepard stay with him in his apartment, and telling her that he loved her. He shouldn't have been so fast to jump into this relationship.

He should've left himself a way out.

"What?" she spat, glowering, and for a moment he thought she might actually attack him.

"Never mind." He stepped aside so she could pass. They weren't going to solve anything with a two-minute talk at the door to a public restroom anyway.

As she walked past him, her shoulder bumped roughly against his arm. Despite the lack of actual skin contact, it still felt pretty intense. With a sharp intake of breath, Kaidan resisted the urge to pull her into his arms. A month had gone by since they had last seen each other, and all he wanted right now was to give in and let his biotics burn and mingle with hers while he held her close. Hell, if only it were just that feeling, just her crazy biotics that he missed… but, damn him, he missed her laugh, the delicate curves of her body, her scent... He still had it bad for her.

Back at the table, Jarell kept his eyes on him while leaning in to talk to Shepard. The man's expression was carefully guarded, but Kaidan couldn't help seeing it as a provocation and stared back at the guy.

"Are you okay?" the corporal asked Shepard.

"Great," she replied wryly.

"Want to get out of here?"

"Yeah."

Shepard turned to the Alenkos, thanked them for dinner and made up some excuse for leaving before dessert. Jarell followed her lead and confirmed her story, saying his good-byes, too.

"Private." She threw Kaidan a salute. There were no hugs and not even a handshake. Clearly, she was avoiding touching him. Their exchange in the hallway must have been pretty intense for her, too.

Watching her leave with Jarell made him want to punch something. Kaidan thought that, if there had been nothing between them before, now he had probably thrown her into the guy's waiting arms.

"What happened, son?" his mother asked, and his father took a sip of his drink and looked away, not wanting to take part in that conversation.

"We… she… it wasn't working."

"You were both very tense tonight. You should try to talk to her and sort it out."

"I don't know, Ma. She… she lied to me. I don't know if I can trust her."

"Maybe it was just a misunderstanding, son. Why would she lie to you? She loves you; I can tell," the woman said with a kind smile.

"It was not a misunderstanding."

"Have you talked to her about it?"

"Yeah." He thought better of it, recollecting their argument over her real name, and rectified his answer, "Sort of." If only he had listened to Mitra's advice and taken some time to cool off before talking to her, maybe things would've gone down differently. Instead, overwhelmed by his anger and disappointment, he had barely given her a chance to explain herself, and now they weren't even friends anymore.

His father shook his head at him reprovingly, and Kaidan found the gesture aggravating. The old man had yelled at him for years because he had given up on pursuing a military career after BAat, never caring to really listen to his son's reasons for making that decision, so who was he to judge?

"You're bullheaded just like your father," his mother remarked. She knew exactly what his 'sort of' meant.

And, she was right. The realization made Kaidan feel as if he'd been slapped in the face. How he had treated Shepard hadn't been very different compared to how his dad had treated him whenever he'd failed to fulfill the old man's expectations.

Rylan downed the rest of his whiskey in one gulp and set his glass on the table, dragging a hand over his face. "I was trying to stay out of this. You know I'm not very good with this relationship stuff, Barb. But, since you dragged me into it…" He turned to his son. "I was never bullheaded enough to just sit there brooding while my girl ran off with some other guy."

"Rylan!" Barbra chided.

"What? If I hadn't gone after you after that fight we had, you'd probably be married to that Donovan guy now."

"It's Donald. And I wouldn't," she replied indignantly. "My friend Carla was in love with him. I wouldn't do that to her."

"So, Carla was the only thing stopping you, huh?"

"For God's sake, Rylan. That was almost thirty years ago! And, I was already in love with you. You know that."

Kaidan had long stopped listening and immediately stood up, tossing his napkin over his half-finished meal. "Thanks for dinner."

"Kaidan!" his mother yelled as he stalked out of the restaurant.

"Let him go, Barb."

* * *

_KA.: Can we talk?_

_JS.: I don't know. Can we?_

Kaidan took a deep breath, trying to swallow his irritation.

_KA.: Where are you?_

_JS.: I'll come find you. Tell me where you are and I'll be there in five._

That answer annoyed the hell out of him. It meant that she was with Jarell at their secret place; he knew it. Fuck. Of course she would be there. He was a fool if he thought she hadn't moved on already. She had history with that guy. The fact that her boyfriend was jealous and sure that the corporal was in love with her had never stopped her from hanging out with him before and surely wasn't going to stop her now that she and Kaidan weren't together anymore.

_KA.: Never mind._

The next ping on his tool was not from Shepard. Kaidan looked at the sender's name in disbelief.

_RA.: What was this 'big lie' about anyway?_

_KA.: Did Ma put you up to this?_

_RA.: Just answer me, private._

If his dad was going to start pulling rank on him now, maybe joining the military hadn't been a wise choice.

_KA.: You probably know about her name, right?_

_RA.: What about it?_

Kaidan didn't answer and decided to just drop that conversation. His father had rescued her and surely knew how she had become 'Jane'. Plus, getting relationship advice from the old man was probably a bad idea anyway.

_RA.: Look, your mother wasn't very happy about us calling the girl 'Jane' either. Is that why you broke up?_

So his mother knew it, too. Was he the only one who hadn't known? Why the hell had no one told him?

_KA.: Yeah._

_RA.: The kid was traumatized. Give her a break._

_KA.: Is it that simple? How can I trust her again?_

A few minutes went by until the next text from his father arrived.

_RA.: It's getting late, son. Good night. Tell your mother I helped._

* * *

08/10/2172

Kaidan watched from a distance as Shepard hugged Jarell and said good-bye. Her class-training had ended on August 8th and she was already being deployed for service. Kaidan had no idea where her first assignment would be, but he had gotten word her platoon was shipping out today, so he had gone to the docks to see her. When he'd spotted Jarell, he'd decided to keep his distance and had resigned himself to just sending her a good luck text message. He was thankful she and Jarell didn't kiss; he wasn't ready to see that. It made him feel a little better to think that maybe they weren't together after all.

Shepard looked around, probably trying to find Kaidan after she had gotten his message, but he lowered his head, doing his best to keep out of her line of sight. Luckily, the docks were crowded and he was successful in his endeavor. He wouldn't know what to say to her after all this time anyway.

He wondered when and if he would see her again. Like Mitra had advised him, after his graduation, he had taken the Vocational Battery and gone straight to class-training. His years on BAat had saved him some time, allowing him to skip AIT. However, sentinel training lasted almost twice as long as adept, so he wouldn't be ready for duty until about the end of October.

Deep down, he was hoping he wouldn't be stationed too far away from her.

* * *

10/31/2172

Shepard wiped off a bead of sweat that was threatening to reach her eyes before closing her visor again as she advanced on her target. If her calculations were right, in the morning, Kaidan would be shipping out for his first assignment and she made a mental note to send him a text wishing him luck when she got back to the base. She wondered if they were ever going to see each other again. Maybe, if he got a post in the Sol System…

"Private Shepard, this is the second time I've had to call your name! Get your head in the game, soldier! Do you want to get us all killed?" Major O'Neill chastised through the comm, managing to yell and whisper at the same time, and effectively cutting through her thoughts.

"Sir. No, sir." She needed to get better at compartmentalizing. Kaidan shouldn't be in her mind right now.

Shepard was the only biotic on Major O'Neill's team, and he'd made her their scout. He'd thought it was best that way because she had the extra protection of a biotic barrier—inn addition to the kinect shield projected from the emitter all soldiers carried. Of course, the barrier was to be used only in case the mission went FUBAR, since it attracted a lot of attention and it could be seen from afar.

"So, what do you see, private?"

"Two hostiles outside the gate at twelve o'clock, sir."

Before today, she had only been out on two recon missions as they were trying to find the hideout of a terrorist group that was keeping three Alliance soldiers hostage. Although these soldiers had been stationed at the same base Shepard was, in Cairo, they had been taken by the terrorists before she had gotten there, so she didn't know them.

"Thompson, Santiago." The major made a gesture with his hands and the two snipers on the team assumed their positions, getting ready to shoot.

Seconds later, the enemy guards crumpled to the ground.

"Hostiles down. Shepard, confirm kills," the major spoke.

"Moving up to confirm, sir," she murmured on the comm.

She was at a vantage point, one hundred meters ahead of the rest of the team. When she was about to start her advance on the enemy position, there was a noise behind her. She turned just in time for a bullet to miss her. The next shot would be a hit, she was sure of it; fucking hostile was damn close.

In a split second, dark energy erupted around her, her barrier springing to life as she waved her arm to hit her attacker with a powerful, adrenaline-fueled throw. Another one was coming right behind him and she shot him twice in the chest with her pistol. How come she had missed these guys? She really needed to get her head in the game. Another mistake like that and she might not come out of this alive.

"Hold position," the major ordered his team. "Shepard, what's going on up there?"

The hideout they were storming was about an hour north of Cairo, just past the city of Tanta. The place would look like a farm if not for all the armed guards on the perimeter.

"Hostiles ambushed me, sir. One down. Going to check on the other."

"Double time, soldier, before someone spots the bodies at the gate and we lose our advantage."

"Aye aye, sir."

Shepard swiftly slid down the small hill where she had been positioned, avoiding the slippery pool of blood around the man she had just shot, and approached, with her gun in hand, the foe she had hit with a biotic throw. He was crumpled in a heap on the ground and expelled his last breath as she knelt by his side to confirm the kill.

His neck was twisted and bent at the most unnatural angle and his eyes were open. Rare and beautiful green eyes, Shepard noticed with a shudder. Had she really just killed two people? She took a closer look at the guy—he was young, almost as young as her. Somebody's son, brother, boyfriend, friend, maybe father even? Damn, taking a life was hell. Was she supposed to take this with the same detachment with which she shot down dummies and holo-targets during combat simulation sessions?

"Shepard, lose the barrier ASAP. You can be seen from a klick away." The major's harsh voice over the comm brought her back to the ongoing mission.

She swallowed hard around the lump in her throat and took a deep, steadying breath. "Done, sir. Kills confirmed. Moving up to confirm the other two." Thankfully, her voice betrayed nothing of her unease.

From that point on, the mission was an astounding success. Shepard used stasis and lift on a couple of foes so her teammates could finish them off, but she still ended up having to take down a third one by herself. The marines sustained no casualties, only one wounded—though not gravely—and managed to clear the hideout and retrieve the hostages.

In the shower, back at the base, she let the hot water run over her head and shoulders for long minutes, but she still couldn't relax; she kept seeing those lifeless green eyes whenever she closed hers. The eyes of the man she had killed with her mind. How fucked up was that? She hoped Kaidan wouldn't see this much action so soon after his training like she had.

But, he had killed someone once already; he would understand what she was feeling right now. Maybe he could offer her some reassurance. Being able to kill with your mind was a damn messed up talent for someone to have. Would it be okay if she called him? Would he even want to talk to her?

She got out of the shower, put on a tank and shorts, and curled up under the covers in her bunk. Kaidan was sure taking his sweet time to answer her call and she was about to give up when his face appeared on her holo-screen.

"Shepard?"

She recognized the background as the karaoke bar at Arcturus. It was midnight in Cairo, which meant it was one hour earlier at the space station. No doubt Kaidan was having a get-together with his friends before they shipped out the next day.

"Hey, Kaidan. I… today I…"

"What? I can't hear you."

"It's just that…"

Someone called his name and he turned to look at them, shouting an answer she couldn't understand, before facing the screen again. Whatever his friend had said had made him laugh, but his brows furrowed in concern as he noticed her somber expression. "Are you okay?"

"I don't know. I –" she started again, but someone else caught his attention, handing him a beer.

She shouldn't have called. There was no way they were going to be able to talk while there was a party going on around him. Plus, a conversation about death and killing was very likely to ruin his mood and she didn't want that. She'd had her fun with her friends before her call of duty and he deserved to have his.

"Good luck on your first assignment," she half-yelled to make sure he would hear.

"Thanks. It was nice of you to call. I… ah… I'm glad to see you," he replied with a charming, if a little shy, half-smile.

"You can call me any time, you know?" she said before she could stop herself.  _Just end this conversation before you make it any more obvious you're still pining for him._ "Okay. Bye." Without waiting for him to reply, she disconnected.

At least he didn't seem so angry at her anymore. It didn't make her feel any less miserable over what she'd had to do during the mission today but, still, it was nice to know that they could talk to each other again without yelling and fighting.


	22. Bad Call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the short chapter. I had this written already and I decided to post it as it was because I don't know when I'll be able to update this story again (I'm not dropping it. IML is already outlined until post-ME3 and it'll get there eventually). But, my country is on fire right now, everyone is out on the streets protesting, myself included (and my family and friends), so it's hard to focus on anything else. What's happening here, in Brazil, is not about 20 cents and public transportation. It's much more than that. Protests are happening everywhere (in 388 cities so far), every day. You might have seen our situation mentioned on the news once or twice in your country, but the riots and protests here are happening every single day for over two weeks now. I won't say more because I don't want to bother you with our third world problems. If anyone's interested in knowing more, feel free to message me.
> 
> Thank you all for your patience and, also, to my dear friend and beta, Suilven, for her help and support.

* * *

11/01/2172

"Shepard, you look like hell."

"Thank you, sir."

"Did you get any sleep last night?"

Nothing ever escaped Major O'Neill. He ran a damn tight camp.

"A rookie fresh out of Basic like you; I bet you're not used to the action," he continued.

No, she was not. Simulations were nothing like the real deal. How the fuck was she supposed to get a good night's sleep after killing three people, one of them with her mind?

She cleared her throat and tried to sound sure as she spoke. "I can handle it, sir."

"You'd better, private. They didn't send me any other biotics and I need you on our next operation."

"I'll be ready."

"Good. And, Shepard, it's either kill, or be killed out there. This is not an easy posting. I've already lost eighteen marines here this year alone. Just help me make it to Christmas without having to break bad news to any more families."

"Mine is dead, sir, so you don't have to worry about it."

"Ah, you're one of those." He shook his head and sighed tiredly. "Of course you are."

"Those what, sir?"

"Those kids with a death wish who join the service just looking for a chance to go out in a blaze of glory. Do I have to recommend you for therapy?"

Going out in a blaze of glory seemed like a good way to die. Kaidan would get the call; he was her emergency contact. Maybe she should change that now that they weren't together anymore. But he would still care, wouldn't he? The Alenkos, Emily, Jarell… there were a few people out there who would miss her. Even if there wasn't anyone, she had promised herself she would make up for what had happened to her family on Mindoir, for not being able to protect them, and though going out in a blaze of glory was good, it wasn't good enough. She wanted to do more for humanity.

"No, sir. Not looking forward to dying any time soon. My family might not be here anymore, but they're watching. I want to make them proud."

* * *

12/04/2172

Shepard would've called Kaidan again, but Emily had told her to wait, that the next move should be his. Clearly, he was either unaware of that rule, or not interested in seeing her again, because his move never came.

On his birthday, Shepard finally had the perfect excuse to break Emily's made-up dating regs, and she did, sending him a vid-call request.

"Hey, Kaidan. Happy birthday."

"Thanks, Shepard. It's good to see you. How's Egypt?"

How did he know? She had never told him where she was. "Spying on me, private?"

He chuckled at the suspicious look she gave him. "Ma told me."

Of course. Mrs. Alenko usually called Shepard once a week to ask her how she was, talk about Vancouver, the orchard, and insist she visit them on her next leave.

"What about you? Where are you?"

"At the HQ in Vancouver. Can you believe it?"

"Good for you. Your mom must be happy."

"Yeah. But, you know what she's like. She still complains I should visit more often." Kaidan smiled and then looked off-screen. There was someone in the room and he waved them over. "Shepard, this is Private Katrina Makowski. She's a vanguard. We went to Brain Camp together."

The woman put her head over his shoulder, so she could fit on the screen with him. "Hi. Nice to finally meet you," she said with a bright grin and Eastern European accent. "Kaidan talks a lot about you, you know?"

"Kat!" His eyes widened and he flushed to the tip of his ears.

"What? It's true. You talk about her every time you drink," Katrina replied.

Shepard's head was spinning. Was Kaidan saying good or bad things about her? Did he miss her? And, how often was he drinking with this girl, anyway? Was there something going on between them? But, then, he wouldn't be talking to her about his ex-girlfriend, would he? Were they just friends? Did any of them want more than friendship? Fuck! This girl was damn pretty, had a sexy accent, Kaidan called her by a nickname, and they went way back. Shepard hated feeling jealous, but she just couldn't help it right now.

Was this how Kaidan had felt every time he had seen her with Jarell? Was this why he'd been so jealous and suspicious? God, this sucked.

"Time to go. I'll go get Rick and we'll wait for you outside," Kat told Kaidan and then turned to Shepard. "Bye."

"I… ah… better go. They convinced me to go out for a beer for my birthday, so…" he said after Kat left.

"It's okay. Have fun." Shepard smiled at him and he smiled back.

"Shepard, uh… thanks for calling."

Sighing, she disconnected the vid-call with the feeling that they were on opposite sides of the galaxy instead of just a few hours away. When did the distance between them get this big?

* * *

12/31/2172

2302 hrs

Still in her uniform, Shepard slipped her hoodie over her head to protect herself against the cold and stepped out of the shuttle. She had left Cairo in a hurry, so she wouldn't be late. A change of clothes in a bag was all she carried, since she would have to head back to the base tomorrow.

Emily would kill her if she knew what she was doing right now, but she didn't think this counted as running after the guy who had dumped her; this was just her carrying on a tradition. Plus, she liked to think that she and Kaidan could at least stay friends, if nothing else. If he showed up on the beach tonight, it meant there was still a place for her in his life.

Of course, she was aware there was a huge chance she would go back to Africa even more disappointed and heartbroken. They hadn't talked to each other since his birthday and she hadn't told him she was coming, so she had most likely gone through all the trouble of making this trip to Vancouver for nothing at all. Still, she hoped that wouldn't be the case and that she wouldn't end up spending New Year's Eve alone.

2312 hrs

Kaidan was starting to regret his decision. The only reason he had invited Kat and Rick to watch the fireworks on the beach tonight was because Shepard probably wouldn't show and he didn't want to just sit there alone thinking about what could have been. However, he really hoped she would find a way to be there. Chances were slim, but if there was even a slight possibility that she would show, then he was going, too.

He hadn't talked to her in almost a month and they hadn't made any arrangements for this day specifically, but the previous years they had spent New Year's Eve together; having a beer and watching the fireworks from the shore. And, they had called it a 'tradition', so he was carrying it on.

Now, Kat was taking her sweet time getting ready and Kaidan was getting anxious. He didn't like the idea that Shepard might be there already and feeling disappointed at not finding him.

2317 hrs

Shepard finally managed to find a cab and asked the driver to stop at a convenience store on the way Ambleside, so she could get a six-pack.

2319 hrs

"Wow, Private Katrina Makowski, you look hot!"

"Can it, Rick," Kat replied.

Kaidan blew out a relieved breath. "Good. You're ready. Let's go."

"I've never seen you wearing make-up before. Kaidan, look at her." Rick nudged the sentinel's arm with his elbow.

Kat scowled. "I'll kick your ass, Rick."

"Leave her alone, man," Kaidan said, hastily leading the way out of the dorms.

2330 hrs

The store didn't have Kaidan's favorite beer, so the second best would have to do. Maybe he would bring his own, if he even showed… Shepard sighed as she scrunched the receipt in her hand and threw it over her shoulder towards the recycle bin, before getting back in the cab.

2331 hrs

Kaidan picked up the crumpled up receipt someone had just haphazardly tossed towards the recycle bin before leaving in a cab. It had hit the rim and landed on the ground. Shaking his head, he disposed of it properly before going into the convenience store. Unfortunately, they didn't have his favorite beer and he had to settle for the second best.

2342 hrs

Shepard got out of the cab in a hurry. She had eighteen minutes to find him. If only traffic hadn't been so bad… At least there were fewer people on the waterfront this year than on the previous ones. The locals must have gotten tired of being scared out of there by the biotic couple with no self-control. Now, where was she going to start looking for him? She looked both ways and decided to go left.

2345 hrs

Dammit, it had taken too long for them to get to the beach. He only had fifteen minutes to find her before the fireworks started. In which direction should he look for her first?

"Kaidan, where are you going?" Kat asked.

"Just something I need to do. I'll be right back."

"What if the fireworks start and you're not here? I'll come with you."

"No, Kat. Stay here. I'll be back."

"He probably just needs to take a piss," Rick told Kat and Kaidan didn't deny it.

"Why is he taking the beer then?"

Kaidan hastily shoved the pack in Rick's hand and took two bottles out of it. "Actually, I'm only taking these two. You can have the others."

While Kat and Rick exchanged a confused glance, the sentinel looked from one side to the other and decided to go right.

2358 hrs

Shepard had covered half the beach and hadn't found him. The fireworks were about to start, so she opened another beer and decided to stay where she was. He probably wasn't there anyway and she had been a fool to even consider it. Maybe it was better this way. That was why she hadn't called him earlier to set this up; she didn't want him to show up just because she'd asked. This tradition of theirs either mattered to him, or it didn't.

And, most likely, it didn't. He had dumped her. He had messaged her once after that, but had never called her. The times she'd called, he'd barely talked to her. If she had asked him to come here tonight, he would've either showed up out of guilt, or would've refused, and both options would suck and make her feel like shit.

2359 hrs

Kaidan was back where he had started after covering about half the beach. Of course he hadn't found Shepard. What had he been thinking? That she would fly from Cairo to Vancouver just to have a beer with him? Was that even a tradition when they had made it up out of the blue and had only done it twice?

"You didn't drink the beers," Kat pointed out, interrupting his thoughts.

Kaidan stared at the bottles and blew out a tired breath, his shoulders slumping as he set one beer down and opened the other. After taking a large gulp, he looked around and frowned. "Where's Rick?"

The vanguard lowered her eyes and chewed on her lip. "Something came up and he… uh… had to go."

What could possibly have come up a few minutes before midnight on New Year's Eve? That was odd.

0000 hrs

Shepard didn't take part in the joy that took over people around her and all across the beach when the clocks reached midnight. She didn't look up as the first fireworks painted the sky in bright colors.

While everyone celebrated, she tried not to curse too loudly. New Year's Eve had just gone back to sucking like any other day. Someone who had already lost everything should know better than to let themselves get attached again, clinging to stupid, fleeting stuff like model ships and made-up traditions. Celebrations were for people who had families and loved ones. She had no business being on that beach tonight.

Her eyes wandered uninterestedly to the people around her as she turned to leave and then she saw him to her right, not twenty meters from her. Her heart warmed when he met her gaze and his lips curled into a genuinely happy smile. Her frustration was immediately forgotten; she was damn happy to have come to Vancouver tonight.

0001 hrs

She was there. She had come and she was smiling back at him. He'd known he had to be here, because this mattered to her. Hell, it mattered a lot to him, too.

The last time he had visited his parents, his mother had talked to him about Shepard for a long time. "Don't hold that little lie about her name against her. She didn't do it on purpose, son. I think you're missing the bigger picture," Barbra had told him. She'd also said that he should forgive Shepard; that the girl might have become a marine and act tough, but that she was actually very fragile emotionally; that she was still haunted by Mindoir; and that letting people in was hard for her.

He knew all that already, but his better judgment had been clouded by the fact that she had lied to him, which had caused him to ignore everything that was behind the lie–her loss, trauma, her insecurities. How broken must she have been that she would accept people calling her 'Jane Doe' as if she were an unclaimed corpse? That was probably how she must have felt after losing everyone who once knew her; that was why she had accepted that awful title.

By coming to Ambleside tonight, Kaidan hoped he'd showed her he still cared. Now, all he had to do was close the distance between them, both literally and figuratively, apologize, and make this right.

He took a step towards her, remembered the beer he had saved for her, and stepped back to retrieve it.

"Oh, Kaidan, the fireworks are wonderful! Thanks for inviting me," he heard Kat say before she grabbed his face with both hands and kissed him. On the lips.

He was stunned for an instant until he pushed her away. "Kat, what are you doing?"

"Kissing you?" she replied, looking a bit confused.

"Why would you do that?"

"Why? You were the one who invited me to this romantic New Year's Eve on the beach, with fireworks and couples everywhere!"

"I'm sorry, Kat, but this was a misunderstanding. And, I invited Rick, too, didn't I?" he replied, glancing around for Shepard, but she had already disappeared from sight. "Shepard!" he shouted as he rushed to look for her.

"She's here?" Kat started after him.

Damn, he should have seen this coming. Kat had had a crush on him back in BAat, according to Mitra. Tonight, she had taken her time getting ready; Rick had pointed out she was even wearing make-up, which was unusual for her. Then, Rick had mysteriously disappeared—Kat must have told him to split so he wouldn't be a third wheel.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Kaidan looked desperately for Shepard. He made several calls to her omni-tool, he sent texts, he shouted her name. There was no answer and no sign of her anywhere. Kat had left at some point, and he hadn't even noticed. Damn, he would have to apologize to her, too.

0320 hrs

After giving up his search and before going to bed, Kaidan wrote Shepard a long message explaining what had happened—that he had gone to the beach to see her, that he and Kat were just friends and their kiss wasn't what it looked like, that it hadn't meant anything, that he had no idea why Kat would do that, that he had broken the kiss and told the woman he wasn't interested. He ended by telling Shepard that he missed her and couldn't stop thinking about her and that he was sorry.

It didn't matter that it was all true, it still sounded like a bunch of excuses and lies. It was no wonder that only answer he got was a very harsh, and way too succinct, one — considering the two pages worth of text he'd sent her — that said, "You don't have to apologize or explain yourself to me. We haven't been together in months. You can do whatever the fuck you want. I don't care."

* * *

Kat and Rick stopped hanging out with Kaidan after New Year. The sentinel always tried to be nice and respectful to everyone, but the events of that December 31st had made him look like an asshole to both his friends and to Shepard.

She didn't contact him again. Sometimes, he would learn her whereabouts and what she was up to from his parents, who were still in touch with her. That was how he found out she wasn't serving in Cairo anymore and was now stationed at an Alliance outpost on Terra Nova.

On her twentieth birthday, he texted her, but got no reply.

* * *

12/31/2173

Shepard didn't hurry this year as she made her way to the waterfront. There wasn't anyone she was trying to find this time. She bought a single bottle of beer, found a quiet spot, and sat down on the sand, pulling her hood over her head.

Kaidan was there with his head down, a few meters ahead of her, closer to the sea while she was closer to the boardwalk. Despite being alone, he had a six-pack with him. How ironic that when she was not looking for him, she would immediately spot him.

She tried to be quiet and not catch his attention. It worked and he never saw her. At midnight, he sent her a text. The sound of the fireworks exploding in the sky while the people cheered on the beach kept him from hearing the beep from her tool when she received his message.

The pyrotechnic show was still going on when she left. As the physical distance grew between them, she decided to take the first step towards bringing them a little closer on a different level. Breaking the year-long hiatus, she finally replied to one of his messages. "Happy New Year, Kaidan," it read.


	23. Conflict

After her superior officers had approved her request and authorized her transfer, Shepard had still had to wait for her replacement to arrive before she could leave. It had taken forever, but now she was finally back at Arcturus Space Station.

She had signed up for specialization training mostly to get the hell off of Terra Nova than anything else. Guarding the gate to an Alliance outpost all day, wearing armor, in a place that had sixteen hours of sunlight in its 37-hour days, and an average surface temperature of 56°C was maddening. It didn't help that biotics  _already_ ran hotter than everyone else. The Alliance seriously needed to get the companies that provided for them to start making cooler uniforms and armor for biotics.

The heat wasn't the only problem with serving on Terra Nova. The colony was as dull as ditchwater. Occasionally, there had been an escort operation on the planet, but she hadn't been assigned to any of them. She was sure there were a lot more military personnel there than was needed, but Terra Nova was the fastest growing human colony in the galaxy and the Alliance was keen on having a strong presence there.

In the last twelve months, Shepard hadn't seen action once; not that she was looking forward to going into combat every other day — although putting her own life on the line wasn't a problem, taking lives still made for sleepless nights for her — but just guarding a gate day after day had never gotten anyone too high up in the ranks. She wasn't aspiring to become admiral but, if she really wanted to make a difference, she would need better assignments and a command.

For an enlisted soldier to make it to officer, it was hard. She hadn't even made it to corporal yet. Getting a class specialization would definitely improve her chances. It was either that, or going to college. Because it was faster, she chose the specialization, and decided she would become a bastion adept.

* * *

07/23/2174

For the past two years, Jarell and Shepard hadn't met once in person, but they had kept in touch through their omni-tools. He was still serving at Arcturus and, now that she was there again, she contacted him so they could see each other. She suggested they meet at a bar, but he told her to wait for him outside the officers' apartments.

He was in his uniform when he arrived, as usual, and was carrying a bottle of vodka, too. They hugged and there was a smile on his face, but she noticed it was not reaching his eyes. She understood why when they went up into the building. The construction on the top floor had started and his secret spot would be gone soon.

"I'm sorry," she said, putting a hand on his shoulder.

He sighed sadly. "I want to say that it's okay and that I'll find another place, but quiet spots aren't exactly abundant at Arcturus. Not to mention that I don't have clearance to go into over a third of the buildings here. And, I liked it here, this spot. Fuck."

"If you want, I can keep an eye out and see if I can find a new place."

"Yeah? That… that's nice, Shepard. Thanks."

"You're welcome. I really liked it here, too, you know? You think we can stay tonight?"

He nodded. "I guess. The workers only arrive in the morning."

They sat down side by side on the dusty floor with their backs against a pile of material. Jarell opened the bottle and took a swig before passing it over to her.

"So, tell me about Terra Nova."

"There isn't much to tell. At first, I was glad for the lack of action — especially after watching three marines die in my last operation in Egypt."

"Damn, it must've been rough, Shepard. I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, I'm… I'm fine. We'd suffered other losses in our platoon before them. I just thought being a soldier would involve more saving and less killing, you know? But, I did much more of the latter than the former on my first tour. And then those three soldiers were killed, and I started having trouble sleeping again. Major O'Neill must have thought I couldn't handle it, because a few days later he recommended me for the posting on Terra Nova."

"And, can you handle it? I know it's not easy. In my very first assignment, a girl from my marine detail took a headshot from a sniper and died right in front of me. I got drunk for the first time that night. Couldn't sleep otherwise."

"I'm sorry." She passed him the bottle and scooted closer to him.

He took a large gulp and put an arm around her shoulders, lowering his head to rest on the top of hers. "It's okay. I'm fine. What bothers me is that we get used to it, to losing people, to losing friends."

Shepard nodded in agreement and sighed, staring pensively at a random spot on the ground. "I still don't know if that's for better or worse."

For a while, they were quiet. Eventually, Jarell set the bottle aside, his free hand going up to stroke her cheek. He was comforting her and she thought she was doing the same for him, but when she raised her hand to rest against his chest, she felt his heartbeat quickening. Before she could ask if he was okay, he pulled away from her.

"Are you, hmm, over that guy? Your… brother?" he asked her.

Dammit. Not this again. "Fuck, Jarell. My brother died, all right? And, if you mean Kaidan, I wouldn't even say he's my foster brother. We were never like that."

"Hey, relax, Shepard. I'm just teasing you."

With an annoyed huff, she replied, "But, yeah, I'm over him." Probably. She hadn't allowed herself to get distracted thinking about him again. After last New Year's Eve, whenever he had texted her to ask how she was, she had answered him, but hadn't made conversation.

"Are you seeing anyone?"

On Terra Nova, she had gone out with a guy a couple of times — Corporal Mike Rivera. He was Alliance army; they had ground units down there in charge of patrolling the colony. But, it hadn't worked out between them. "No. Why?"

Jarell rolled his eyes. "'Cause of this, Shepard," he said as he closed the distance between them.

The split second that it took for his lips to meet hers wasn't enough for her to figure out if she wanted to be with him like that. After, there was no time. The next second, they heard the roar of an explosion and the ground shook beneath them. Hastily, they jumped on their feet.

Jarell activated his shields and drew his pistol. "Come on."

Pulling up a barrier, with her sidearm already in her hands, Shepard followed him down the stairs. The emergency lights were on, fire alarms were sounding; it wouldn't be safe to take the elevator.

As they were passing by the eleventh floor, the door to the stairs opened abruptly. Shepard and Jarell pointed their weapons towards the door, but immediately pulled back when they saw that the man coming through was wearing the famous black armor with a red stripe on the right shoulder.

The N7 tossed an assault rifle to each of them and kept a sniper rifle for himself. "You two, follow me," he bellowed.

Shepard didn't mention it, since this was no time for chatting and he probably wouldn't remember her anyway, but she recognized him from the day of her juvie trial.

"I don't suppose you have your comm units with you, do you?" Lieutenant Commander David Anderson asked them.

"No, sir," they both replied.

"Fine. We'll have to do this the old-fashioned way then."

"Do you know what's going on, sir?" Jarell asked.

"Not yet. Stay sharp, corporal."

Each floor they passed by, more people were coming out to take the stairs. It was late, and most of them were in their pajamas and seemed to be civilian spouses and kids that lived there. Some of the officers were leading them to safety while others fell into step behind Anderson, Shepard, and Jarell.

The closer they got to the ground, the louder they could hear the sound of gunfire. Outside, they found a station in chaos. Part of the sixth floor, on the right side of the building, had been destroyed, compromising several apartments.

Anderson led the small group in a brisk advance towards the gunfire. It seemed to be happening at the docks for cargo shuttles, about five hundred meters from where they were. There were dead and wounded on their way, but others were already coming to tend to them. At the first enemy contacts, the N7 cursed and shouted his orders, "Hold your fire and find cover. They have hostages."

Then, he signaled for the marines in the back to close the entrance to the docking bay and not let anyone else in, while the others were to wait for his orders.

From behind the pile of crates where she and Jarell were squeezed together for cover, Shepard took a peek at the attackers. "What the fuck? They look like Alliance."

There were five hostiles left; all wearing Alliance colors. One of them was on the boarding ramp of a shuttle, holding a gun to the head of a kneeling hostage. Another hostile was just outside the shuttle, positioned to provide cover fire to their three accomplices who hadn't boarded yet and were surrounded. The only reason they were still alive was because they had also taken a hostage.

"Fuck! It's them, isn't it? It's gotta be," Jarell murmured.

"Who?"

"Cerberus — an Alliance cell that went rogue some time ago. Remember I told you they were recruiting? Of course they would have agents infiltrated here, soldiers who affiliated, but never left service; probably planning for this all along."

"How do you know all this?"

"They tried to recruit me. Sort of. It's a long story. How about I tell you next Saturday over dinner?"

"Are you asking me on a date while we're in the middle of a hostage situation?"

He shrugged, and she meant to give him a disapproving look, but couldn't hold back the amused smile that crept on her face.

A man stepped out of cover with his hands up and started trying to solve the stand-off by talking the hostiles down. He was in civvies, so Shepard couldn't tell who he was. Anderson's group hadn't been the first to arrive, and there were soldiers in armor, in PT uniform, and in BDUs, so the hierarchy wasn't exactly clear at the moment.

In cover across from Shepard and Jarell, and taking advantage of the distraction provided by the negotiator, Anderson started signaling his next orders. They didn't have time to follow through with his plan, though. The Cerberus agent who was holding the hostage shot at the negotiator.

"Fuck. Take him down," the N7 told Jarell, and took aim at the hostile on the shuttle boarding ramp. With a nod towards Shepard, he ordered, "You, get the hostages."

Shepard dropped her rifle and her barrier wavered, but held, as she concentrated her biotics on executing two pulls at once, one with each arm, so she could get the hostages out of harm's way. She had to be as fast as Anderson and Jarell's bullets, or there was chance the enemies could still shoot the hostages.

Seconds later, it was all over. The hostages were safely behind cover with Shepard, while the other soldiers took care of the remaining Cerberus operatives.

As the medics came to see to the hostages and the negotiator, and Anderson talked to someone on his comm, Jarell came closer to Shepard and wiped a bead of sweat off her forehead. "You look pale. Are you okay?"

"Guess I had too much to drink and too little to eat tonight."

"As soon as the commander dismisses us, we're getting some food into you then." His fingers lingered on her face until Anderson cleared his throat and the two marines snapped to attention.

"Do you serve together, corporal?" he asked.

Was he thinking they were fraternizing? Shepard knew better than to go down that road; she always played by the rules.

"Sir, no, sir," Jarell hastily answered. "I'm with Major Krantz's garrison and Private Jane Shepard is an adept and is currently completing her bastion specialization training."

Anderson turned to her, "Ah, you're Alenko's kid, aren't you?"

"The commander was my foster father, yes."

The N7 grabbed her gun from the floor and gave it back to her. "Rifles have a strap so you don't have to drop them when there's no time to sheath them. Always put the strap around you. You're a marine. Dropping your rifle like that is unacceptable. Didn't you learn that in Basic?"

Fuck. If a hole opened on the ground right now, she would gladly crawl into it. "I did, sir. It won't happen again."

"Good." Anderson's stern expression softened up a little bit. "Other than that, impressive work out there. I wasn't sure you could pull it off, but there was no time and that move was our best shot. Glad you delivered."

"Thank you, sir."

* * *

"What the hell? Barb, come here!"

Barbra Alenko hurried over to find her husband in front of the TV, watching the Alliance News Network. They were broadcasting live from what looked like a war zone. "What happened?"

"The reporters are still speculating, but three explosions at practically the same time… it looks like a terrorist attack to me."

"Where?"

"Arcturus."

"Oh my God! Jane's there, isn't she? Have you contacted her?"

"No. I've just heard about this now."

The woman immediately started calling her foster daughter's omni-tool, but there was no answer.

"Ha, would you look at that! Barb, I don't think she'll be taking any calls now," Rylan said, calling his wife's attention back to the TV.

Two dock workers were telling the reporter about how they had been taken hostage, and then the reporter accompanied them as they went to shake hands with the marine who had saved them. Like a good soldier, Jane said she was just doing her job, and quickly slipped away to avoid having to give an interview.

"Thank God," Barbra breathed out, relieved. "She's a hero, Rylan."

"I knew she would do fine in the military," he said proudly.

* * *

The Alliance HQ in Vancouver stopped to watch the ANN's live broadcast from Arcturus. The images on TV, along with the reports they were receiving from Alliance command, were giving them a better idea of what had happened. Bombs had gone off at the officers' apartments, a restaurant, and a Rapid Transit terminal, resulting in over a hundred wounded and forty casualties.

Kaidan immediately thought of Shepard, hoping she was alive and well. He was about to call her when she appeared on TV. Apparently, she had saved two hostages, and he felt happy for her. That was what she had wanted, the reason why she had enlisted ― to help people.

He wondered if he was ever going to have the chance to do something meaningful like that. Kat Makowski was their go-to biotic at the Vancouver HQ whenever they needed one and, all this time, Kaidan had done nothing but tech work.

Although he knew now that Shepard was safe, he still wanted to call her; just so she would know that he had thought of her and was glad she was okay. She would like that, wouldn't she? Before he could do it though, he saw on TV the reporter resuming her interview with the dock workers as Shepard walked away. With that guy. Jarell.

Damn, Kaidan had no idea why this would still bother him this much. It didn't even mean that Shepard and the corporal were dating; not to mention that he and Shepard hadn't been together in ages. She could date whoever she wanted; that was none of his business. For fuck's sake, he even had a girlfriend. They hadn't been going out for long, just a few weeks, but he had a good feeling about her. Lydia was nice, smart, pretty, and a civilian; she was good for him. Maybe he should introduce her to his parents, make it official. Shepard was his past. Lisa could be his future.  _Lydia_. Fuck!

* * *

07/30/2174

Instead of going on their dinner date, Shepard and Jarell attended the collective memorial service for the forty-one soldiers who had lost their lives in last week's terrorist attack. Eight civilians had died, too, and there were people who hadn't left the hospital yet, so the final body count could still change.

Once the ceremony was over, the two marines went out to drink to the memories of the friends they had lost. They went to McEnroe's, an Irish Pub in the civilian-living area of the station, and chose a quieter booth at the far end of the bar.

Jarell produced a datapad with the list of names of everyone who had been killed in each of the three explosions. Some of the names were highlighted: Admiral Masaru Yoshida, who had died at the restaurant; Captain Benjamin Martel, at the RT station; and Captain Jerry Reyes and Rear Admiral Lucia Moreno, at the officers' apartments.

"Do you know what they have in common?"

"I imagine you're asking for a reason besides the obvious."

"They were against Cerberus from the beginning, against the creation of the cell. When Cerberus went rogue, they wanted to send a team after them, to take them down. But the mission was never approved by the brass. And, recently, they'd been sniffing around Claude Menneau's death. They believed Cerberus was behind it."

"I saw that on the news. Charles Saracino became Terra Firma's leader in Menneau's place."

"Yeah, that guy, he's with Cerberus and he's much more radical than Menneau. There are suspicions that Menneau was assassinated so Cerberus could have their guy take over Terra Firma."

"So you think Cerberus was targeting Yoshida, Reyes, Moreno, and Martel with these attacks?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure."

"And you said Cerberus tried to recruit you?"

"The head of the marine detail I was part of during my first tour joined Cerberus and he contacted me, said they needed more operatives and that the pay was good. Well, better than what we get with the Alliance at least. Damn, I knew Cerberus used to run some black ops assignments for the Alliance, but I had no idea they were going to turn out to be terrorists once they went rogue. But, that's what they are, isn't it? Damned terrorists."

"And, attacking Arcturus? That's pretty fucking daring. Do you think we've got all of them, the ones that were here, at least?"

"I don't know, but now there's no denying Cerberus poses a real threat. The brass has to take action."

Shepard gave him a small smile. "I'm glad you didn't join up with them."

"They're aligned with Terra Firma and this human supremacy shit isn't for me." He shook his head and then he grinned. "Have you seen those asari? They are hot!"

Shepard punched him playfully on the arm. "Pervert."

"But, you are hotter, you know?" He winked at her, making her laugh.

It always amused Shepard how easily Jarell could go from serious talking to teasing and flirting.

When the night was over and he walked her to her bunk, they finally finished the kiss that had been initiated a week before. It wasn't anything like she remembered from that afternoon at the orphanage. This time, there was urgency and longing that hadn't been there the first time and, instead of trembling hands, their grasp on each other was sure and confident.

* * *

12/25/2174

"Shit!" Shepard woke up with her omni-tool chiming.

"Mine or yours?" Jarell grumbled beside her.

"Mine. Sorry, I have to answer it," she replied and rushed to the bathroom, closing the door so she could have some privacy and wouldn't disturb him even more.

The vid-call request was from someone she hadn't been expecting to contact her. "Hey, Kaidan."

"Hey, Shepard."

"Do you know what time is it here?"

"Too early?"

"Well, for a Sunday and a holiday, yeah." Jarell would be on duty after lunch, but Shepard had the day off, so waking up this early hadn't been in her plans. Arcturus Space Station was at UTC 0 time; for Kaidan, at UTC -8, it was probably a reasonable hour.

"Sorry." He gave her a sheepish smile, rubbing his headjack on the back of his neck. "I was wondering… about New Year's Eve… uh, are you coming?"

"I've never missed it. It's a damn tradition, Kaidan. I take these things seriously."

"Never? Not even…?"

No doubt he was asking about last year. Even after seeing him with that other girl the year before, she had returned to Ambleside Beach. "I was there."

Looking down, he nodded. "And, do you think we could meet? Spend it together, you know, like we used to?"

She would really love that. It would mean a lot to her, but she tried not to sound too excited as she spoke, "Yeah, I guess."

"Okay. Merry Christmas," he said.

"To you, too."

Shepard went back into the bedroom. The apartment she and Jarell had been using belonged to a friend of his who was a lieutenant and was spending his leave on Earth. The guy had set the scanner on his door to recognize Jarell, so he and Shepard could spend some time alone, since the barracks didn't give anyone much privacy.

"Something wrong?" he asked her.

"No. It was just… a friend."

"Okay, come back to bed."

"Jarell, about New Year's Eve…" Shepard sat down on the bed, rubbing at her eyes.

"What would you like to do? There's going to be a party at McEnroe's."

"I have to go to Vancouver."

"Vancouver? Why?"

"It's complicated."

"You want to see your foster parents? I'll come with you."

"No, it's not that. I have to go alone." She had hated when Kaidan had brought that girl to the beach on New Year's Eve; she wouldn't make the same mistake. That tradition was theirs only.

"Dammit, Shepard. You're going to see that guy, aren't you?"

"What guy?" she asked, just to buy herself some time. She knew she'd been caught.

Jarell huffed loudly, sitting up in the bed. "Don't be like that. You know who I'm talking about."

Yeah, of course she knew. Jarell would never understand, but she was going to Vancouver anyway. "I'm sorry."

* * *

12/31/2174

Shepard tried not to think about the extremely pissed off boyfriend she had left behind when she met Kaidan on the beach. "Hey."

"Hey." With a smile, he handed her a beer.

"Thanks."

They stood side by side looking at the ocean. It was a little awkward at first, with neither of them knowing what to say.

He finally came up with something. "So, how are things at Arcturus?"

"Fine. I've just finished my bastion training and now I'll be serving on the SSV New Delhi."

"The New Delhi? Wasn't that Captain Martel's command?"

"Yeah. Isn't it fitting that we're using his ship to hunt down the organization that was behind his death?"

"You're going after Cerberus?"

"Yep. The New Delhi is Commander Anderson's now, and those are his orders. He personally picked his team; I never thought I'd be part of it."

"You must have made an impression when you saved those hostages."

"It was much less heroic than they made it look like on TV."

"You're a good soldier, Shepard, and a talented biotic. Don't sell yourself short. I'm sure you deserve this position."

"Thanks."

She finished her beer and, when he passed her another, their fingers touched. It wasn't accidental. Missing him more than she cared to admit, she had gone for the touch. Dark energy stirred inside her, making her skin tingle. With a sharp intake of breath, she quickly broke eye contact, retreating with her beer, so that the moment wouldn't turn into something that it shouldn't.

After watching her for a few seconds, he asked, "Are you, er, dating anyone?"

She nodded. "You?"

He nodded, too. "Jarell?"

It lasted only for an instant, but she didn't miss the hurt that crossed his features when she said yes to his question.

"How long?"

"About four months. There'd been nothing between me and him before, Kaidan. I swear."

"It's okay. It doesn't really matter. I don't know why I asked."

"What about your girlfriend? Is it Katrina?"

"No, her name is Lydia Briggs. She's a really sweet girl. Civilian."

"Oh? Good. That's good, right?" Shepard didn't know what else to say.

"I'm... not sure. She's not happy I'm being transferred. She thinks I should ask them to let me stay here, but that's not how it works. You know how it is, right? It's complicated. Plus, I want to go. I didn't sign up with the Alliance just to keep on repairing terminals and updating omni-tools."

Shepard knew exactly how it was. She had seen her fair share of soldiers complaining about their civilian counterparts who couldn't understand the erratic lives they lived. "Where are they sending you to?"

He took a long gulp from his beer and there was a pregnant pause before he answered. "Mindoir."

"M-Mindoir?"

"Yeah. They're rebuilding the colony and the Alliance wants to patrol the airspace and set up an outpost there."

"Hmm."

"Maybe you… you'd like to… visit?"

Staring at her feet, Shepard swallowed hard. "Uh, ah… no. I don't know. Maybe." She needed to give it more thought so, for now, she decided to change the subject. "Your girlfriend, where is she?"

"Probably at a party at her friend's house. She wanted us to spend New Year's Eve together. When I told her I couldn't, she got pretty angry."

"Why didn't you bring her here?"

"For the same reason you didn't bring your boyfriend? Look, this is our thing, Shepard. I was wrong to bring Kat here that time. Was Jarell okay with you coming here?"

"No. Not at all. I'm not even sure where we stand right now. He was damn upset when I left."

Kaidan shoved his free hand in his pocket, looking a little embarrassed as he spoke. "This may sound selfish, but I'm glad you're here."

She gave him a small, crooked smile, and bumped her arm into him. "Me, too."

When the first fireworks started exploding in the sky, he put an arm around her, pulling her closer to him in an affectionate semi-hug. "Happy New Year, Lisa."

She clinked her beer against his and leaned her head onto his shoulder. "Happy New Year, Kaidan."


	24. Chase

03/20/2175

"Private Shepard?"

She scrambled to her feet and saluted Commander David Anderson. "Sorry, sir. I didn't see you there."

"At ease, soldier. That was because you were sleeping over your cup of… well, it looks like coffee. Honestly, Shepard, I've never seen anyone fall asleep while drinking coffee before. Shouldn't you be in your pod? You're part of the ground team and we're going planetside first thing in the morning."

Shepard sighed. This night specifically she did not feel like spending inside a coffin-like sleeping pod. Unfortunately, bunks on Alliance ships were for officers only. "Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"Granted."

"Shouldn't you be sleeping, too?"

Anderson let out an impatient huff. "Do I need to take back your permission, private?"

"Sorry, sir."

He took her cup and emptied it in the sink. It seemed she had no option but getting inside a damned pod.

"I read your file, Shepard," he said, and she halted. "I never recruit anyone without reading their files first, especially when it comes to individuals with biotic abilities."

She remained silent, waiting to see where he was going with this.

"Mindoir's sole survivor…"

Of course, _that_ was where he was going.

"…that's five years today, isn't it?"

 _Shit._ "I hadn't noticed, sir," she said, hoping he wouldn't see through her lie.

He went over to his locker and retrieved a french press and a sealed bag of ground coffee. "Cut the crap, private. Mandatory counseling during your adept training? Early transfer from Cairo? Bastion specialization?"

"What's wrong with that, sir?"

"I was at your juvie trial and I remember what you did to those kids. After that, I'd have guessed you'd go for Nemesis and not Bastion. Afraid of your powers, or trying to make up for something?"

"Neither, sir."

Anderson pointed to a chair at the mess table as he began to prepare the coffee from his personal stash. "Sit down, private. If you're not getting any sleep, you'd better have some of the good stuff."

He had just called her Shepard, so the fact that he had gone back to using her rank made this feel like an order. She returned to the table and waited while he was busy boiling water in the small mess kitchen of the SSV New Delhi. Minutes later, he poured her a cup of coffee and sat across from her with his mug.

"You know why I picked you for this team?"

"I've asked myself that several times, sir."

"This is going to turn into a very high risk mission if we find what we're looking for. I've worked with individuals with biotic abilities before, and I needed someone as powerful as an L2 and as reliable as an L1."

"And you think that's me? _Sir_ ," she remembered to add.

"I think it could be, Shepard; with the proper guidance, of course. Looking at your previous assignments in your record, I can tell your past COs didn't have experience enough with biotics to know how to make good use of your skills in the field. It won't be like that this time."

"That's good to hear, sir."

"Truth is, for this mission, a vanguard commando would have been my first choice for a biotic—someone focused on offense, and not defense. But, I think you can do both. What can I say? I guess you made an impression in the few times we've met."

The tiniest smile crept onto his face as he raised his cup to his lips. It was just enough for her to see, and it made her feel proud of herself, which was quite unusual for her. His subtle praise couldn't have come at a better time; she really needed it, especially on this day.

"I won't disappoint you, sir," she said, and she really meant it. Anderson was a damn good officer and commander and she was going to prove herself worthy of the amazing team he had assembled.

"What did you think of the coffee?" he asked her when she was done.

"It's… strong, sir."

He laughed, amused. "That's how they drink it in Brazil. I learned to appreciate it while I was at the N-Academy in Rio."

"What was it like, sir?"

The N7 indulged her with a few stories from his time at the Vila Militar, taking her mind off Mindoir for a while. When she finally went to bed, she was feeling much lighter. Maybe this night she wouldn't smash her face against the thick acrylic cover of the sleeping pod after having yet another nightmare.

* * *

06/19/2175

Anderson and his team had been, for months now, trying to track down Cerberus, but those humanity-first fanatics were a damn illusive bunch. The New Delhi had been jumping from one system to another, investigating abandoned military bases and sketchy research facilities and getting nowhere. It didn't help that it had taken the brass too long to allow this operation in the first place and the trail had run cold. The N7 couldn't help wondering if there was someone important in the Alliance who didn't want Cerberus activities to be disrupted.

They were just leaving the Fuel Depot in the Enoch System, when their comm specialist intercepted a suspicious transmission from a shuttle with no known signatures.

_THIS IS HADES 2 TO HADES LEADER. TAKE OFF ABORTED. THERE'S A PROBLEM WITH OUR FUEL LINES. REQUESTING ASSISTANCE._

_HADES 2, THIS IS HADES LEADER. REQUEST DENIED. BLUES IN THE AREA. WE'RE REPORTING THIS EVACUATION COMPLETED. YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN._

" _Blues_? Do you think that's us, sir?" the comm specialist asked Anderson.

"I think so, Foley. Can you trace the ship that this transmission originated from?" There was no way they were leaving this system without investigating a ship with that call-sign. It _had_ to be Cerberus.

"Yes, sir. It seems they're on Joab. I'll need a few minutes to pinpoint the exact location. Whomever they were talking to is not in this system anymore."

"Very well, Foley. When you're done, hand the coordinates over to Harrison," the commander ordered, and then activated the intercom. "Franco, Wright, Shepard, Santiago: suit up and meet me in the hangar deck in fifteen."

* * *

They found the Cerberus shuttle abandoned on a launch pad near a deserted excavation site and what looked like a research facility, in a scarcely inhabited area of the planet. The vehicle was empty and powered down. Anderson ordered the team's tech expert, Lieutenant Dwayne Wright, to try and get any information he could from the shuttle computers, especially flight plans and destination coordinates. Private Gabriela Franco was to stand guard while the N7, Shepard, and Private Daniel Santiago scouted the area, looking for the occupants of the shuttle.

After clearing the dig site, Anderson's group approached the research facility. It looked empty, and Santiago hacked their way inside.

The place was scrubbed clean; there was no sign anyone had ever been there. They were just leaving when they heard the noise of glass being broken in the back of the main lab. Anderson ordered them to take cover behind the counters and wait.

A loud group of men entered the facility through a window. There were seven of them and they appeared to be armed, but were disorganized; probably not Cerberus, but looters or some gang.

"What are you doing?" Shepard whispered to Santiago as he tried to quietly open a tall cabinet on his right while still crouching behind the counter.

"I saw something glimmer in there through the glass. Maybe it's a datapad," he whispered back. "It could contain information on what Cerberus was doing here."

As he opened it, the door squeaked and the invading group suddenly quieted. Santiago gave her a victorious grin as he slid a datapad out of the cabinet, but Shepard was too focused on the men to return it.

"Shit," she muttered when the datapad slipped from his hand and clattered on the floor.

"Who's there?" a guy shouted and turned to one of his friends. "I thought you said this place was empty."

"It is, man. They evacuated it a week ago. I saw it."

Shepard exchanged a glance with Anderson. That information couldn't be right. Specialist Foley had just intercepted communications that seemed to be happening during the evacuation.

"Sir," Franco's distressed voice sounded in their comm units, "hostiles in the area. We're surrounded and severely outnumbered. They want the shuttle."

"Wright, are you done? Have you acquired the data?" the commander asked.

"Almost, sir. I just need two more minutes," the lieutenant replied.

Anderson gave Shepard a nod and she pulled up her barrier and took a peek over the counter. With their guns drawn, the thugs were advancing towards them, trying to find the source of the noise. Shepard's movement caught their attention and they shot at the counter and in her general direction.

The sound of gunfire was coming from outside, too. The information from the shuttle computers was crucial; they had to secure it.

"Shepard, Santiago: I'm going to help the lieutenant. Cover me until I'm out of the door, take care of these guys, and then meet us outside," Anderson ordered.

"Yes, sir," the privates replied in unison.

They all broke out of cover. While Anderson bolted to the door, Shepard and Santiago engaged the looters.

"Santiago, get down. I'll handle these guys."

"What the fuck, Shepard? Are you crazy?"

She pushed him down biotically and used stasis to trap the looters instead of killing them. It was not an N7's style to take prisoners or let bad guys walk after a confrontation, but Anderson wasn't in there and she wasn't going to kill anyone unless she had no other option.

Her barrier resisted a few shots but, when it fizzled out, Santiago kicked her on the side of her knee and she fell back behind the counter.

"What the hell, Santiago? I still have my shields."

"We're a fucking team, Shepard."

"Fine. There's only one guy left. I'll take care of him and you disarm the others before the energy fields holding them die down."

Santiago did not look happy, but nodded in agreement. Taking a deep breath, she pulled up a new barrier and rose, jumping over the counter. It made her quite an easy target, and the remaining hostile didn't resist breaking cover to take a few shots at her. She then easily caught him in a stasis field.

"I'm going to check on the commander," she yelled to Santiago as he proceeded to disarm the looters.

"Shepard, wait!" he shouted back, but she ignored him.

Out of the research facility, she found herself caught in the middle of crossfire between the rest of the gang, and Anderson, Franco, and Wright. Gathering the last of her energy, she released a huge singularity that sucked in most of the hostiles and then she dropped to her knees.

"Lieutenant, grab her. We'll cover you," Anderson bellowed.

Wright acknowledged and reached for Shepard, dragging her to cover while Franco and the commander finished off the remaining enemies.

Minutes later, Santiago came out of the facility with the seven prisoners lined up and holding their hands above their heads. As Franco and Wright went off to confirm if all other hostiles had been neutralized, Anderson radioed in for an Alliance patrol to come pick the prisoners up. Then, he approached Shepard.

"What the hell was that, private?"

"You said to come for you once we were done inside the research facility, sir."

"Good work with the singularity, but never get in the middle of crossfire like that again."

"Barrier and shields, sir. I can afford to take a few bullets."

"That was an unnecessary risk, Shepard, and it's not how I operate. N7s go in to get the job done, not to die trying."

"I'm sorry, sir."

"Take that as your motto and you'll do better than most in this career."

"I'll try. I mean, I'll _do_ it, sir."

Anderson shook his head, but let out a small smile as he walked away and left her to deal with her bleeding nose.

Santiago came over next and tossed her an energy bar.

"Why do you have this?" she asked him, ripping the wrapping open with her teeth.

"The commander makes us all carry a few every time you're on the ground team."

She glanced at Anderson, then back at the private. "Thanks. And, what's on the datapad? Was it at least worth the trouble?"

"Call of Duty: Galaxy at War."

"Really?"

"Yep."

"Can I have it?"

"Sure." Santiago handed it over to her and sat on the ground by her side. "You're the worst team player ever, you know?"

"I- I… I am?"

"You are. You always want to do everything by yourself."

She opened her mouth to argue, but he stopped her. "Don't deny it. Look at what you just did in there."

"What?"

"You attacked me, Shepard."

"You kicked me!"

"Yep, to protect you, because we're a fucking team; not to get you out of my way like you did to me."

Okay. Maybe he had a point...

* * *

06/27/2175

"Shepard, what the hell are you doing?"

"It's okay, sir. I've got it under control. Go!"

Maybe a better question would have been: What the hell was _he_ doing taking orders from a private? But, now was no time for formalities and she was right on this one. They hadn't been able to find anything on Cerberus for months. All of a sudden, they happened to come across an abandoned Cerberus shuttle with flight plans and coordinates to their rendezvous point still on its computers. Then, after traveling to the place, they found what looked like a base for the enemy and easily infiltrated it.

 _Easily_. Of course there was something wrong there. It had to be a trap. Everything had suddenly been too easy when they had just spent _months_ chasing dead ends with the terrorist organization always a few steps ahead of them.

So, when Flight Lieutenant Linda Harrison contacted him through his comm unit, he had known what she was going to say even before she'd said it. He only wished the realization had come sooner and he hadn't led his team into this trap.

But, now, there was no time to waste. The New Delhi was under attack and he wasn't going to lose his ship and all the people inside it. So, he was going to leave Shepard by herself to fend off the Cerberus troops inside the base while he escaped with the rest of the ground team. There wasn't much of a chance she would come out of this alive, he knew it, but her biotic skills made her the best choice for holding off waves of enemies and buying him some time. It didn't matter that he thought she had potential in the military, or that he had actually grown a little fond of her these past weeks; she would have to be sacrificed.

Like the good marine that she was, she had figured it out even before him and had told him to go. A damn good marine, indeed.

In the last second before they exited the facility, Anderson stopped Santiago in his tracks, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him behind cover so they could speak. "Private, get back in there and stay with her. Keep her safe. We'll come back for you."

"Yes, sir."

* * *

 

There was no trying to keep enemies alive this time. They couldn't afford it. Santiago was bleeding from a shot he had taken to the ribs, her amp was burning in the back of her neck, and they were running out of ammo.

The two privates were holding their ground, but it was clear this wasn't a fight they could win. Shepard had never fought against other biotics before, except in training sessions, and Cerberus had quite a few biotics in their ranks. They were focusing their attacks on Shepard and she was having to concentrate most of her energy on holding up her barrier, instead of counter-attacking.

"Santiago!" she yelled when he fell to the floor, holding his side. There was a bit too much blood oozing out of his wound.

He was still managing to hold one arm up, though, to shoot at the enemies that were trying to surprise them from behind.

" _Shepard, Santiago, are you there? What's your status?"_ It was Specialist Foley's voice on the comm.

"Santiago is wounded, specialist. We can't hold for much longer," Shepard replied. "Is the ship secure?"

" _Yes. We're coming to pick you up. Harrison is sending you the extraction point coordinates."_

" _Get your asses down there as soon as possible. We're blowing this facility to hell,"_ the pilot spoke.

"How long do we have?"

" _Ten minutes."_

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. "Santiago, we gotta move."

"I don't think I can run, Shepard. You make a break for it and I'll do my best to hold them."

"Don't pull this crap on me, Danny. Come on!" She put his arm around her neck and helped him up. "I still got one clip in my pistol. Here."

Shepard holstered his empty sidearm and took his shotgun, since he probably couldn't take the kick right now. With a limp hand, he held her pistol. It didn't look like his aim was something she was going to be able to rely on to get them out of there.

Her body lit up as she sent several throw fields around the room, creating a mess of flying crates and corpses, so they would have a better chance to escape. More slowly than she would have liked, they reached the corridor where they had come from.

" _7 minutes,"_ Lieutenant Wright informed them over their comms.

Santiago groaned in pain as she had to use the arm that was around him to shoot at an incoming hostile.

"Sorry, Danny, but I need the other hand free for the biotics."

The enemy had managed to hit her with a concussive round before she'd killed him, and her barrier was gone. Her head was pounding and the burning in the back of her neck was starting to worry her, so she decided to rely solely on her shields and save the last of her energy in case they ran into more enemies in the final push out of the building.

"It's okay. Let's just get out of here," he mumbled.

" _5 minutes."_

They made it out of the corridor and into the entrance hall. The door was a mere ten meters away from them. Perhaps they were going to make it after all.

A few steps in and she heard the click of a grenade latching onto the wall beside them. The last thing she remembered was using a biotic throw on Santiago to get him away from the explosion.

* * *

06/28/2175

Shepard woke up in the New Delhi medbay feeling like she had been run over by a freight train. Everything hurt. On the cot beside hers, Santiago was sleeping, and it gave her some relief to see him safe and healing.

Dr. Benson noticed his patient moving, and came over to talk to her about her injuries, recovery time, and the precautions she would have to take during the next few days.

"How did we get out of there, Doc?"

"The commander. He went back–"

"Shepard, glad to see you're awake," Anderson interrupted them, entering the medbay.

"Get the job done, not die trying, right, sir?" she replied.

"Well, you held them back and got the job done, private. Maybe I should add that dying afterwards isn't an option either?"

"I'll keep that in mind, sir."

"Good. I already ordered you a new set of armor and an amp."

Shepard immediately touched her headjack where her amp was supposed to be. Her skin around it was blistered, sore, and hurting, and she winced.

"We're heading back to Arcturus," Anderson continued. "The New Delhi is going to be docked for a few days for repairs. I suggest you take the time to rest and make a full recovery."

"Yes, sir."

* * *

07/03/2175

 _Lisa_. No one had called her that in years, except in her nightmares. When Kaidan had said that name last New Year's Eve, it had felt really weird, as if it was someone else and not her. She had been trying so hard to put the tragedy on Mindoir past her that it seemed she had ended up losing all connection with the girl she once was.

So, when he'd said _Lisa_ , the Lisa that had come to her mind hadn't been her, but the helpless and terrified girl of her nightmares. Her grandma was the confused old lady being dragged out of her bed, her mother was the crying woman inside the pantry, her father was the man unable to protect his family, and her brother was the eager young man who died without ever having the chance to prove himself.

They always died in her nightmares. Sometimes in different ways, or in a different order, but they never survived. That was not how she wanted to remember her family, but they wouldn't come to her mind in any other way anymore. They were either dead, or dying, or trying in vain to save themselves.

A vid-call request to her omni-tool cut through her thoughts. It was from her boyfriend and he looked worried.

"Baby, where are you? The New Delhi docked over an hour ago."

"I'm not at Arcturus, Jarell."

"Where are you then? Are you coming?"

"No. There was a place I needed to visit."

"Dammit, Shepard! We haven't seen each other in months. You said you were staying here while they repaired the New Delhi."

"I know I did, and I'm sorry. This was sort of a last minute decision. I should've called you, but..."

"I'm getting tired of your apologies."

Another apology was the only answer she could think of, so she decided it was best not to say anything.

"Fuck. Tell me where you are and I'll see if I can get a few days of leave and meet you there," Jarell said, trying without success not to sound too upset.

"Thank you, but this is something I have to do alone."

She had to make peace with what had happened on Mindoir, so she could remember her family the way they deserved to be remembered ― alive, whole, happy. That was why she had gone to the colony for these few days of leave she had, instead of meeting her boyfriend at Arcturus.

Jarell did not seem happy when he finally gave up and hung up without getting any useful information out of her on her whereabouts. The reason she wouldn't tell him anything was because he might show up there―in a shuttle, the trip from Arcturus to Mindoir would take about ten to twelve hours; it wasn't that far―and she didn't want that.

"Shepard?"

Suddenly, her chest didn't feel so tight anymore. She might have told her boyfriend that she had to do this alone, but it was damn good to hear a familiar voice in this place, even if it wasn't from anyone she'd known back then.

"Hey, Kaidan."


	25. Mindoir - Part 1

07/03/2175

"I wasn't sure you'd come." Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck, not knowing what to do with his hands. He would've liked to give her a hug, but she didn't move a muscle towards him and barely made any eye contact, so he just kept it to himself.

He had been really looking forward to spending some time with her, just the two of them. There hadn't been a day, ever since the break-up, that he hadn't thought about her. He had tried to convince himself that it was just because he cared about her as a friend, but then why was just seeing her making his heart pound like this?

"Me neither."

Her stance was guarded and she looked stiff and uncomfortable, so Kaidan offered to carry her duffel bag for her, thinking that maybe it would help.

"Thanks," she said, rolling her shoulder. Even though the bag wasn't heavy, she seemed relieved to be rid of it.

"How long are you staying?"

"I don't know. Just for tonight and the next, I guess."

Now that he was looking at her more closely, he noticed there was a bandage covering her headjack, and there were fading cuts and scratches on her right arm and on the right side of her face.

"What happened there?" He touched her arm, letting his fingers gently trail over the marks to point out what he was talking about.

Her skin and her biotics still felt the same. _She_ still felt the same, and dark energy soared inside him, awakened by hers.

"This, uh…" With a long blink and sucking in a deep breath, she tried to recompose herself; she had felt it, too. "… It was just a frag grenade that went off a bit too close. I'm fine; don't worry."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"When did this happen? It looks recent."

"A few days ago. We found an enemy base, but it turned out to be a trap."

"Cerberus? Are you still chasing them?"

"Yeah. Santiago and I were trying to escape. He was hurt and I'd lost my barrier. When the grenade exploded, the blast knocked me out cold. It was too strong for my shields, too, and shrapnel pierced through my armor. I woke up on the New Delhi, feeling like shit and with a fried amp." She lightly touched the bandage on the back of her neck. "Stay away from the Antares series."

Were her tours always this action-packed? Being posted first in Vancouver and now on Mindoir, Kaidan had never taken part in any real combat situation while in the service. God, even in her free time Shepard had gotten involved in that mess at Arcturus, when Cerberus had attacked the station. It seemed trouble followed her around.

"Shepard, that sounds really bad. You could've died."

"I'm fine," she repeated more emphatically.

Kaidan knew better than to take her word for it whenever Shepard said she was fine. But, for now, he dropped it and led the way out of the spaceport. Later, though, at a more appropriate time and place, he was definitely going to try and convince her to let him take a look at her headjack, just to make sure everything was as fine as she was saying it was. Unfortunately, he had had a lot of experience with bad amps and was probably better than most doctors at cleaning and repairing amps and headjacks.

Since it was past 1900 and his shift had already ended, they went straight to the Alliance camp, located about two klicks from the spaceport. Kaidan asked for Shepard to wait while he talked with his CO. Moments later, Major Keller made a gesture for her to approach them.

"Private Jane Shepard, of the SSV New Delhi, ma'am." She saluted the sentinel's CO.

"Alenko just told me you're Mindoir's sole survivor."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Well, I'm sorry for your loss."

"Thank you, ma'am."

"There's a memorial wall to the victims, if you'd like to pay your respects."

"I'd like that, ma'am."

"Alenko, find her a place to sleep and then take her there tomorrow. I'll tell MacTavish to cover for you."

"Yes, ma'am," Kaidan replied.

After being dismissed, the two privates went over to Kaidan's tent, where he dropped off Shepard's duffel bag. He planned on letting her have his cot, but decided not mention it for now, so she wouldn't think that staying there overnight would inconvenience him.

Next, they went to get something to eat in the mess tent. The whole time, she was awfully reticent. He tried to talk to her, telling her about how things were at the colony and the rebuilding efforts. A few nods were her only reaction.

She was probably tired from the trip, so he gave her some privacy for her to change into her PT uniform and get ready for bed. Then, with a first-aid kit in hand, he met her back in his tent and asked her if he could take a look at her headjack. She agreed, but not without rolling her eyes at him and saying once more that everything was fine.

Carefully, he pulled off the bandage from the back of her neck to find sore, red, and blistered skin. It looked painful.

"Shepard…"

"I know," she sighed. "It was a busy day. The Antares couldn't handle it."

"You spike too high. You need a better amp."

"Yeah."

Her resigned answer made him realize she obviously knew those Aldrin Labs amps the Alliance provided weren't good enough for her; she didn't need him to tell her that after what had happened in her last mission. It was a real shame that all decent bio-amps on the market were terribly expensive. There was no way she had twenty thousand credits to spare on a Kassa Fabrication Astrum V.

He couldn't do much about it either but clean her amp-port, so he did it to the best of his ability. He also tended to the damaged skin around it, gently applying a layer of the gel the New Delhi doctor had given her for the burns.

In reaction to his touch, her biotics surfaced, forming a dull blue corona around her. He felt the energy flowing from her, teasing him, testing his control in the most pleasurable way. It made him glad to see she wasn't holding back and seemed comfortable under his care. Her shoulders had relaxed and she didn't look so stiff and tense anymore.

After he applied a fresh bandage and was done dressing her injury, his fingers lingered on her neck, left bare and so perfectly kissable by her pixie haircut. It could be just wishful thinking, or maybe the way she had turned her head to thank him, but he was under the impression that, for a moment there, she had leaned into his touch.

"So… where am I going to sleep?" she asked him.

Reluctantly, he let go of her before it got awkward.

In his tent, there was only his cot, a desk piled up with omni-tools, consoles, and datapads for him to fix and/or update, and a chair.

"Here." He pointed at the cot.

"What about you? Where are you sleeping?"

"In one of those larger tents at the far end of the camp. Those are the actual barracks, so I'll just bunk there with the others."

The Alliance camp on Mindoir wasn't too big. Even the officers, except for Major Keller, slept in shared tents. The only reason Kaidan had his own was because he had moved a cot to the 'shop' tent, so he could work late on those tech repairs without disturbing the others or being disturbed by them.

"Oh. Okay." There was a glimpse of something in her eyes. Worry? Doubt? Insecurity, perhaps? It was gone too fast for him to be certain.

"Shepard, are you going to be all right here by yourself?" he asked for good measure.

She frowned at him as if he was talking crazy. "Yeah, of course. I'm fine; you can stop worrying. Good night," she said, waving him off.

As he walked out of the tent, he couldn't shake the feeling that there was something wrong. She had said so many times that she was fine, it was starting to feel like she was trying to convince herself as much as him.

Instead of looking for an available bed for the night, Kaidan decided to stay up a little longer and watch his tent. The lights went off inside pretty quickly and everything seemed normal.

"Alenko, where's Shepard?"

It was Major Martina Keller approaching him and he snapped into attention. "Major."

"At ease."

He nodded towards his tent. "She's sleeping, I guess. Ma'am."

"I've looked into her service record. Not the most stable character."

"She's… all right, ma'am."

The major gave him a measuring look. "You've known her for long, private?"

"A few years, ma'am."

There was a strained silence between them. Was Keller waiting for him to elaborate? If she wanted to know more, she would have to ask for it specifically. His relationship with Shepard was complicated to say the least; definitely not something to be discussed with a CO.

"I see. Keep an eye on her, Alenko. I don't want any trouble in my camp," the major said, before finally walking away.

"Will do, ma'am."

From where he was standing, things in his tent continued to look perfectly quiet and normal — there were no signs of movement, or unexpected flares, and the lights were still off. So, he decided to find himself a place to sleep.

* * *

"Alenko, I heard that girl you were hanging out with earlier is Mindoir's sole survivor. Is that true, man?" MacTavish asked from the bunk opposite to Kaidan's.

"Yeah. But, don't go grilling her about it, okay? It's hard for her to be back here."

"Shepard, right? Hot chick," Marsden said, getting in the middle of their conversation. "I thought you were boning her, Alenko, but then you show up to sleep here with us? Tsk tsk. You disappoint me, man."

Letting Shepard have his tent had been the right call. Kaidan had forgotten what it was like to bunk with the guys. He hadn't exactly missed it. "You know I have a girlfriend, Marsden."

"So you won't mind if I hit that nice piece of ass tomorrow, eh?"

God, that annoyed Kaidan to no end, and it wasn't just about the guy's tone and the awful way he had worded that sentence.

"Shut up, Marsden," Walker replied from one of the other cots.

"Jealous, baby? 'Cause, you know, there's enough of me for both of you."

"Jesus fucking Christ! What's wrong with you?" Walker turned on her cot to face the canvas and pulled her blanket over her head.

Marsden continued, unfazed by her reaction or the dead serious look on Kaidan's face. "The only thing that puts me off a bit is her face, but I'm not one to complain. I'll just do her doggy style," he said, laughing out loud.

That was it. Kaidan jumped on his feet determined to punch the guy, just as MacTavish rushed between them.

"Leave it, man," he told Kaidan, pushing him back just hard enough to get his attention. "You know how the major is. She doesn't care about who started it, she'll have you both in the brig."

Glaring at Marsden and with his fists clenched, Kaidan stalked out of the tent, but he still heard Marsden shouting, "I thought you had a girlfriend, Alenko. Does she know she's sharing you with Private _Scarface_?"

It took all his self-control and several deep breaths not to go back in there and deck the guy.

After wandering aimlessly around the camp for a few minutes, he decided to stop pretending and just go check in on Shepard. That was what he had wanted to do from the start, even though there was no sign of any disturbance in her tent.

As he approached it, he heard something though. Muttering? Sobbing?

"Shepard," he whispered.

There was no answer, so he called a little louder. Still nothing. But, there was definitely some noise coming from inside the tent.

He opened the flaps and went inside. The noise, whatever it had been, ceased completely. The lights would make it too bright in there, so he just turned on his omni-tool. Shepard was lying on her side on the cot, curled into a ball, trembling, with her arms wrapped around her head. He had seen her having bad days a couple of times, but never this bad.

"Shepard…" It was all he could say. _Are you okay? What's going on? Do you need anything? —_ those were all stupid questions that would only make her lie to him.

"Y-Yes?" It still came out shaky, even though she had sucked in a ragged breath and cleared her throat in hopes it would help her sound like everything was normal.

As he came closer to her, she buried her face even further into her arms. He knew this was probably inappropriate, that his CO wouldn't approve, that he had a girlfriend, and that he and Shepard weren't a couple and hadn't been for years. None of it mattered, though. Shepard needed him and hell if he wasn't going to let her know he was there for her.

"Hey, you're not alone," he spoke softly as he powered down his tool and crawled in bed with her, pulling her into his arms.

Welcoming the warmth and safety of his embrace, she allowed herself to break down and sobbed into his chest. "I… I'm not… I'm not fine, Kaidan. I don't think I can do this."

Their biotics washed the tent in blue, reminding him of a time before lies, jealousy, misunderstandings, and other people had come between them. Were they finally getting past all those issues?

"Hey, I've got you." He planted a tender kiss on top of her head. "We'll do whatever you want. If you want to stay here, we'll stay. If you decide to go to the wall, the farm, wherever you want to go, I'll come with you. You won't be alone, okay?"

She tightened her grip on him, breathing in his familiar scent. "Okay."

* * *

07/04/2175

Kaidan was woken up by Shepard, always the early-bird, trying to disentangle herself from him so she could get up. His cot was way too small for two people, but they had made it work.

She stopped moving when he met her eyes, then leaned over him and gave him a peck on the cheek. "Morning."

"Morning." He smiled at her and her lips quirked up a bit in response. Waking up by her side felt so damn right.

"So… do you think you can come with me to see the wall?" There was still a hint of uncertainty in her eyes, but it was nothing compared to the state he had found her in last night.

"Of course."

She got out of bed and started to change into her fatigues, not minding that he was in there with her. Still, he didn't feel like it would be right if he looked, so he turned away to give her some privacy.

Only after she was done and out of there, did he get up and change. Then, he met her at the mess tent for breakfast and took the seat opposite to hers that she had saved for him.

On his way to the queue for a morning ration, Private Marsden spotted them. He shot Kaidan a disdainful look and stopped behind Shepard to make a lewd gesture with his hands and crotch.

"Oi, Marsden, cut this shit out and get the fuck in line," Staff Lieutenant Morales bellowed.

"Aye, sir," the private replied, straightening himself up and moving on.

That guy was getting on his nerves and Kaidan was glad for the intervention or he would've ended up getting himself, and probably Shepard too, in trouble. They were not the most in-control biotics out there. She had sent three bullies to the hospital once. And, hell, he had killed one. If Marsden knew their history, he would've thought twice before messing with them.

At least, Shepard didn't seem to have noticed anything, and was just staring pensively at her plate, fidgeting with her food.

When they were done eating, Kaidan went to talk to the Operations Chief about getting a ride to the Memorial Wall, which was located about forty klicks north of the camp. The man said they could use one of his trucks for the day, as long as the sentinel promised to get rid of a virus he had gotten on his terminal without asking any questions or mentioning it to the major. It beat waiting for a ride, so Kaidan agreed.

* * *

The wall had been built on the square in front of the cemetery. Like most of the colony, the place was deserted. There wasn't even a store where one could buy flowers or candles to honor the dead. The only people on Mindoir these days were the Alliance, contractors, and the companies that were providing services for them.

After some hesitation, Shepard asked to be alone, so Kaidan just watched her from a distance. She approached the wall slowly, as if she wasn't sure about what she was doing. Then, for a long time, she just stood there with her head down in front of the monument. He couldn't tell if she was praying or just having a hard time gathering up the nerve to look up and read the names. Maybe it was both.

He wondered if there was anything else he could do to help and show his support, or at least to remind her that he was there for her if she needed, but, at the same time, he didn't want to disrespect her request for privacy.

When she finally raised her head, she looked at him and not at the wall. He gave her a nod to encourage her and she nodded back at him before starting to read the names. She didn't need any reminders, he realized; she knew she could count on him.

There were over two thousand names carved on the memorial and he was afraid she was going to hurt herself with the nervous way she kept scratching the scar on her cheek while she searched for the ones she'd gone there to see. When she found them, even from afar, he could see her hands were shaking as she traced them on the metal.

With a shudder she stepped away and started walking at a fast pace towards him.

"Are you okay?" he asked, rushing to meet her halfway.

"It's nothing." She let out a self-deprecating laugh. "I brought this on myself."

"What?"

"Did you know about this? Because you could've told me. A heads up would've been nice." She sounded distressed and was again scratching her scar.

He took her hand in his and pulled her a little closer, so she would stop with the scratching and look at him. "What are you talking about, Shepard?"

"My name. My fucking name is on the fucking wall." Shaking her head, she snorted. "I guess it's fitting."

Kaidan honestly didn't know about that or he would have told her before bringing her here. He had never actually visited the memorial. "Shepard, I… I had no idea. I'm sorry you had to see that."

"Don't be. I'm not that girl anymore." Her eyes shifted to the wall. "Lisa Mae died with her family; it says right there. Some Jane Doe was the only survivor."

"Shepard…"

He wanted to comfort her, but she pulled away from him, taking a few steps back. "I'm fine."

It didn't look like she was, but he knew it was pointless to argue with her about it. "I'll see who I can talk to about getting your name removed."

"No. Leave it. It's not my name anymore. Let her rest with her parents."

"This is not right, Shepard."

"It is. You don't understand." Her eyes narrowed and she shook her head. "You never did."

True; he really didn't. Why would she still want to go by _Jane_ , a name that she was given when she was just another unclaimed and unidentified victim of violence in a hospital bed? "Shepard, it's –"

"I'm not having another argument about this with you, Kaidan. Let's just get out of here," she interrupted him, sounding impatient, angry even.

Great. He had pressed the wrong buttons and now she was upset with him. Years later and that whole issue about her real name was still a sore spot for both of them.

Feeling frustrated, he followed her back to the truck and they just sat there without talking, each looking out their respective side window. After some time, he reached for the MREs he had brought along for the ride and handed her one of the packs. It was a bit early for lunch, but he was already hungry, so she probably was, too. She accepted it and they ate quietly.

When they were done, she broke the silence. "There are no graves."

Kaidan kept his mouth shut and let her talk. Perhaps just listening to her was the best way to go about this.

"There were too many bodies and they had been out in the open for too long, so they had to be piled up and burned. I was still at the hospital when I heard about it." There was a long pause before she continued, "Mom would've preferred a grave. She would've liked the whole family to be buried together."

"Shepard, I'm sorry." Kaidan couldn't stop himself; he felt like he needed to say something.

"Don't. I'm the one who's sorry. I know you were just trying to help, and I shouldn't have snapped like that."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not. You didn't have to be here with me, but here you are anyway. And, I couldn't do this alone. Not yet, not so soon." She sighed sadly. "I sound pathetic, don't I? It's been five years and I still think it's too soon."

"Shepard, I'm not going to pretend I know what you're going through here, but I'm sure there's no time limit for this. If you want to go back to the camp –"

"No." She grimaced and pressed her fingers to her eyes, rocking in place. "I need to see this through. I can't keep having nightmares about this place. I need closure. I need to move on. I'm so damn tired, Kaidan. I need to be able to get a good night's sleep."

"Okay." He offered her his hand and she took it. Tenderly, he stroked her skin with his thumb, giving her a moment to calm down. "Where do you want to go next?"

"The, um..." She swallowed hard, and he squeezed her hand reassuringly. "The farm."


	26. Mindoir - Part 2

Her family's farm was abandoned, like everything else had been for the past years on Mindoir. Kaidan drove by the house slowly, giving her time to decide if she wanted to go inside. The windows were darkened with dirt and the front door was partially bent and broken, with marks of gunshots on the lock.

"Not yet," she muttered, avoiding looking at the house. "Just… keep going."

Right past the house, they found the barn and the chicken coup weathered, but still standing. The fence around the pasture had crumbled in several spots and there were a few animal carcasses around, making it all look terribly eerie and grim. The weather wasn't helping either; the afternoon was cloudy and grey.

"Fuck." She swallowed hard, and turned away. "Keep going."

A few meters ahead, Kaidan saw the orchard that she had so fondly mentioned a couple of times before. He stopped the truck and climbed out, staring at the trees in awe. Shepard had her face buried in her hands and was mumbling that maybe it hadn't been a good idea to visit the farm after all, when he opened the door for her.

"Shepard, I think you'll want to see this."

She didn't move and kept shaking her head, so he unbuckled her seat belt and took her hand, gently pulling her out of the truck. "Trust me."

Sucking in a deep breath, she finally looked up. Her mouth fell open and she covered it with her hand. "Oh, my God!"

The trees were still alive and green, and there were fruit, colorful and ripe, everywhere. His heart skipped a beat when she tightened her grasp on his hand and dragged him with her as she rushed into the middle of the trees.

"Kaidan, look at this! How is this possible?" Her eyes were sparkling as they walked on the soft earth beneath the trees, their service boots squishing fallen fruit and dry leaves.

Most of the smaller plants, like the tomatoes and chayotes, had died, and new fruit trees were growing in a disorderly fashion in the orchard area and beyond. Since his arrival, Kaidan hadn't seen any other place this alive and green on Mindoir.

Shepard kept pointing at the trees, telling him which ones were the apples, the peaches, the pomegranates, and he let her. Even though he didn't need any help identifying those, he didn't want to spoil her excitement either. And, to be fair, there were a few that he had never seen before, like the guavas.

It was the first time he had ever seen her smile this much and this easily; she looked beautiful.

When she spotted the mangoes, she let go of his hand, expertly climbing up one of the trees. Kaidan couldn't take his eyes off her and the way her body stretched and her muscles flexed as she hoisted herself up and moved from one branch to another until she almost disappeared amidst the leaves.

He had never climbed up a tree before and he didn't think he could follow her up there; at least not without falling on his ass a few times first. When he was about to shout that she could take her time and that he was going to wait for her down here, he was caught in a biotic lift. Without much success, he tried to avoid hitting the branches on his way up.

"Stop flailing. You're going to get hurt," she yelled at him.

"I'm not flailing," he yelled back.

She grabbed him as he was floating past her, and kept her arms around him while he tried to find his balance on the not-that-thick branch where she was standing.

"Are you sure this is safe?"

She just laughed at him and her breath blew warm on his neck, making him suddenly all too aware of how close she was. He slid one hand to the curve of her waist, the other resting by her head on the tree trunk.

"Kaidan…" She wasn't laughing anymore. His name simply fell from her lips in a low, hushed tone and he had to look away to keep himself from closing the distance to her mouth.

"Just trying to find purchase," he lied, wishing it were true. They were finally starting to get comfortable around each other again and he was already thinking about muddying things. Again.

He felt her body stretching along his as she reached up to grab a branch above them. God, what was she doing? She was going to kill him like that. Then, a strong leg hooked around his and her free arm snaked around his neck, pulling him flush against her.

"Shepard…"

With a swift movement, she spun them around, switching their positions. His back hit the tree trunk as his feet found more stability now that he was on the thickest part of the branch.

"There," she said, disentangling from him, but still keeping her grip on the branch right above them to steady herself. "Feeling safer now?"

Had they just had a moment there or was he imagining things? "Yeah, thanks," he replied, trying not to sound as disappointed as he was feeling with the sudden lack of contact. What did he want out of this anyway? He still had a girlfriend and they had promised they would try to make their relationship work, despite the distance. Shepard was probably still dating Jarell, too.

"You're bleeding." She pointed at a bad scratch on his forearm and gave him a smug look. "I told you to stop flailing."

"I wasn't flailing; I was just trying to not get hit by every damn branch on this tree. That was one hell of a messy lift, Shepard," he said just to tease her. It had been pretty impressive for a biotic without an amp, actually.

"Hey, that was a great lift! I didn't even let you fall to your death!" Her tone of mock indignation broke at the end with a chuckle. It was brief, but genuine.

She gazed at the farm around her and he knew she was making peace with this place. It showed in her eyes and in the way a small smile crept on her face and stayed there long after she had stopped laughing.

"Mango?" she offered, choosing a fruit of her liking from the ones that were hanging closer to them.

"Yeah. Sure."

"Take off your shirt, then."

"What?"

"Take off your shirt," she repeated, already removing hers.

This morning, he had turned away and given her some privacy while she changed, but this was different. She wouldn't be getting dressed again; she would be staying in her bra. An Alliance-issue sports bra, but, still… Why was she doing this to him? She had left the camp in military fatigues and he had already thought she looked hot. How was he supposed to look away now, especially when he didn't want to?

"Kaidan?"

"Y-Yeah?" His mouth had gone dry and his voice came out a little rough but, to his credit, he managed to stop staring and look at her face.

"Shirt." She pointed at his chest with a combat knife. When had she taken it out of wherever she had been keeping it?

He briskly got rid of the unwanted piece of clothing, hanging it besides hers on another branch. When he turned to face her again, she blushed and quickly looked away, and he knew she had been staring, too.

"These, uh…" she cleared her throat, "these are damn great mangoes, you know? Juicy. Ripe. You don't want to get stains on your uniform."

"Sure," he replied with a smirk.

"What? That's a real reason."

"I know." He totally agreed it was, but the way they had been staring at each other made it sound like a poor excuse.

"So why are you smiling like that?"

"I'm not." Except that he was. Why couldn't he stop? Maybe it was the realization that they were on the same page, both still making each other's heart race.

Shaking her head, she sat down and started peeling the mango with her knife. Kaidan plopped down, too, with his back to the trunk and each leg dangling to one side of the branch.

"You got a tattoo," he remarked, noticing the circle and arrows that were the symbol of the adept class on the back of her left shoulder.

"Yeah, we all got it at the end of class training. It was Mikha's idea. Do you like it?"

"I do."

"Look." She turned so she had her back to him, and let the dark energy in her surface for just an instant. When it faded, her tattoo continued to glow.

"How do you do that?"

The blue light was perfectly within the lines of the adept symbol. No one had that much control.

"There's a tiny amount of eezo in the ink."

"Where did you get it? Is it safe?

"Probably not. And… I'm pretty sure it's illegal, too."

"You're insane, Shepard," he said, amused.

She just shrugged in response and, even though she couldn't see it, he grinned at her. "Can I touch it?"

There was a long, kind of awkward pause before she said yes. It gave him just enough time to think about what he had asked and understand her hesitation. They were toeing the line there. Not being available wasn't keeping them from staring at each other, teasing and flirting. And now, they were alone, shirtless, and he was about to touch her bare skin. This wasn't the same as holding hands, like they had done earlier; this felt a lot more intimate. Where would it stop when neither wanted it to? Touching for them was not like for normal people; it was intense and electric every single time; not to mention arousing, too. He thought this would change once she went through proper training and learned how to better control her biotics. It hadn't.

 _Maybe I shouldn't. I shouldn't. Don't touch her_ , he thought while he did the exact opposite. He didn't just touch her; he caressed her illegal-eezo-ink tattoo. As if her skin didn't drive him crazy enough that he could barely keep his biotics in check, now there was eezo in the mix. A tiny amount, she had said, but still, it felt good as hell to touch her tattoo.

It incensed his dark energy and he just let it flow unrestrained. She dropped the knife and the mango, leaning back into his touch, her body glowing blue.

"Kaidan…" She breathed out his name.

It sounded like an invitation. One that he hadn't taken a few minutes ago, thinking he might have imagined it. He didn't have it in him to let it pass again now.

Putting an arm around her waist, he dragged her closer to him, so she was sitting between his legs. The branch creaked, but they pretended not to hear it; it was just another item on the list of reasons why they shouldn't be doing this and, at this point, it was clear they had chosen to ignore it.

She moaned as he kissed her tattoo, the contact making his lips tingle. He didn't stop there, moving on to the top of her shoulder and the curve of her neck. She tilted her head to the side, giving him easier access. Her hands fell to his thighs around her, her fingers squeezing him, kneading the muscles.

"Is this still hurting? I want to check it out again when we get back to the camp," he whispered in her ear, lightly running a finger over the bandage covering her amp port.

"Whatever you want, Kaidan. Just… don't stop now." Her hands covered his and he let her guide them on her body. She pressed her back against his chest, dragging one hand up on her thigh and the other over her taut stomach, until it reached her breast.

"God, Shepard…" That was it; she was going to be the death of him. Literally, because the branch was creaking again. "I… I can't."

She stilled in his arms and he could feel her tensing up.

"We can't," he insisted, kicking himself internally for stopping this now, but knowing he would probably hate himself if he went through with it. His girlfriend deserved better and so did Shepard. He still had one hand on her breast and the other dangerously close to the warmth between her legs though, and he slid them off her and into his lap to cover his arousal.

"Fuck," she muttered, quickly sobering up. "You started it."

Debatable, but he knew better than to pick this fight. "Yeah, and I shouldn't have. That's why I'm ending it."

Pulling away from him, she reached for their shirts and threw his at him. "If you didn't want this, why would you let it get this far? Fuck! You still have that girlfriend, don't you?"

"Shepard, please, you have to understand –"

"I thought I was over you, dammit!" She slipped into her shirt and, in the blink of an eye, she had climbed down the tree and reached the ground.

This afternoon had been going so well. Why did he have to cross that line and muddle things? Why was it so hard to resist her? Actually, he knew the answer to that one. It was because he didn't  _want_  to resist her; he wanted to be with her.

He needed to go after her fast, but he didn't know how to even begin the climb down. There was a loud crack when he stood up on the branch. It started to give, and he looked around, trying to figure out which ones might support his weight. Before he could test his luck by jumping onto another though, the branch broke.

Instead of falling, he floated. Shepard had caught him in a biotic pull when he had thought she wasn't even around anymore.

"Stop flailing!" she yelled, impatiently.

"I'm not!" he yelled back.

He crash landed on her and she hit the ground on her back with him on top of her.

"Say my pull was messy, and I swear to God, Kaidan," she spat before he could say anything.

"Hey, I was just going to thank you for catching me. That's all," he replied defensively.

She grunted and squirmed underneath him. "You're still on top of me."

"Sorry." He rolled off her and, when she didn't move, he just stayed there, too, lying on the ground by her side.

"God, I'd forgotten how draining this is without an amp. I'm gonna need a minute here."

He nodded and looked up at the heavy rainclouds and the quickly darkening sky. The orchard, with all those trees, was no place to be during a storm.

"I thought I was over you," she said again, but this time she didn't sound bitter or angry. There was a distant look on her face and a sad smile on her lips. "I guess I need to have a talk with Jarell."

"I should've asked if you were still seeing him, but… I didn't want to hear a yes. I… I miss you, Shepard."

She sighed tiredly. "What are you saying, Kaidan?"

"The same thing I was trying to tell you before you jumped off the tree and left me there."

"Then say it."

"I want to be with you, but not like this; not when you still have a boyfriend and I have a girlfriend. We need to do this right. I mean, if this is what you want, too."

"Fuck, Kaidan. What do you think?"

"Is that a yes?"

A few raindrops fell on his face and chest and, a second later, it was already pouring. Shepard quickly got up, tucked her knife back in her boot, and grabbed a ripe mango from one of the lower branches of the tree.

"Come on!" She rushed him to his feet.

He thought they were going to take the truck, but she just dropped the mango in there and kept running in the rain towards the house. Following her there, he helped her move the broken door out of the way so they could get in.

It was dark inside and it smelled strongly of mold. There were leaks in the roof, puddles on the floor, and the furniture, the walls, everything was covered in dirt. He waited in the hallway while Shepard went inside the bedrooms. There were three, but she only lingered in one. From each of them, she had come out stuffing something into her pockets.

"Let's go," she said, taking much less time in there than he had thought she would. She hadn't even spared a glance towards the back of the house, where the kitchen, the pantry, and the garage were located.

They left the house in the rain, and he ran about twenty meters before noticing she wasn't following. She had stopped in front of the house, staring at it, probably committing it to memory and saying good-bye.

"Shepard," he called. The rain was getting worse, with lightning striking in the distance and the roaring wind making it extra cold outside.

As he tried to wipe the heavy drops that were trickling into his eyes, she caught up with him and, suddenly, she grabbed him, crashing her lips against his. It was unexpected, but his response was immediate; he kissed her back. It had been hard enough to deny her earlier; doing it again just now would be too much to ask.

Their tongues clashed and their arms wrapped around each other. They moved in that perfect synchrony they had acquired when they were together; their biotics mingling, their bodies fitting against each other, as if no time had passed at all. It felt like coming home.

She was the one who put an end to it this time, grabbing his hand and leading him back to the truck, while he was still flaring and a bit stunned by the torrent of sensations her kiss had caused him.

"That's your answer," she said.

A yes, then. They were going to try again. Hopefully, this time, they weren't going to mess it up.

Drenched, but content, they got inside the truck. As he drove past her old house, Shepard looked out of the window, a peaceful expression on her face. "Even though I came here searching for this, for anything that would make what happened here hurt less, I never thought my last memory of this place would be a good one."

"What do you mean last memory? This place is yours, Shepard."

"No, it's not. I'm not reclaiming it. This place is for someone with a family, kids, a dog; someone with time to take care of it. I'm not that person and I don't think I ever will be. Let someone else try to find happiness here. Maybe they'll have better luck."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I want  _this_  to be the last day I spent here."

* * *

The whole time while on the shuttle to Mindoir, Shepard had thought about turning back. After landing, she had stayed inside until the cleaning crew that had come in to sanitize it before the next flight had practically thrown her out.

Now, she was convinced that she had made the right choice in coming here. For the first time since she could remember, she had gone into her brother's room and he hadn't yelled at her to get the fuck out. For the first time since she was ten and the flares had started, she had walked around the farm knowing that no one there was afraid of her. She had let her biotics loose, without anyone chiding her for it. When she had climbed that tree today, it hadn't been to hide.

The weather had been bad; the wheat field, destroyed; the animals, dead; the house, sad and empty. Still, coming back to the farm had been better than she had ever expected it would be. She had been wrong when she had said Lisa Mae had died. There was still a lot of that little girl inside Jane Shepard. And, today, she had gotten in touch with her again.

"Would you mind if I slept in here?" It was Kaidan, cutting through her thoughts as he walked into his tent. "I don't mean anything by it. I even picked up a sleeping bag. Just want to make sure you'll be okay."

Her lips curled into a smile. It was really sweet that he was worried about her, but she knew she would be okay tonight, and it was, in large part, thanks to him. "I won't take your bed and let you sleep on the floor, Kaidan. It's cold."

"Nah, don't worry about it. I don't want you to be alone."

"I'll be fine, but… yeah, you can stay. Not in the sleeping bag though."

"I want you to have the bed, Shepard. You said it yourself; it's cold."

She scooted to the right, making room for him on the small cot. Last night, she had needed him; that was not the case tonight. She would be fine on her own and she knew it. "I never said I'd sleep on the floor." Tonight, she wanted him. It was different.

Their eyes met, a moment of understanding passed between them, and he joined her in bed without another word. Marines didn't care about spending the night in sleeping bags or on the cold hard floor. They had just been making excuses, instead of admitting that what they both wanted was to share that ridiculously small cot, like they had done last night.

"I was wrong," she said, once they had settled into their favorite spooning position, with her back to his chest and his leg between hers. Wisps of dark energy were following her fingers as they idly traced patterns on his arms. They were comfortable and relaxed; there was no tension in the air.

"What about?"

"Me." She didn't have to be Jane. Not all the time, not with him. With him, she could be herself. The farm wasn't her home, she had realized it today; he was.

He didn't press her to elaborate, responding only by tightening his arms around her and pulling her even closer to him.

"When there's no one around, when it's just the two of us, do you think you can call me Lisa?"

"I'd like that."


	27. Timing

07/06/2175

Jarell loved her. He had waited for her. From the beginning, he had accepted her the way she was. Every time she had needed him, he had been there for her, taking care of her, except when she hadn't let him.

In return, she had brushed him off and then made out with someone else behind his back.

She had to end things with him and it was not only because Kaidan still had her heart, but also because Jarell deserved better. She wasn't good enough for him. He was a better person than she ever was.

It was damn unfair that doing the right thing also meant breaking his heart. She shouldn't have the power to do that, or the right. This sucked, and she hated it.

"You're here," he spoke softly, smiling, when she met him at the end of his shift in the hallway to his dorm. "Please, tell me you still have a couple of days of leave. I missed you."

She wished he didn't look so happy to see her. For once, he wasn't making things easier for her. Promising she would break up with him while she and Kaidan were snuggling in bed was one thing; actually going through with it was a whole other story. She didn't even know where to start.

Strong arms enveloped her, lifting her off her feet. His hands ran down her body, coaxing her to curl her legs around his waist. His mouth caught hers hungrily, his tongue teasing her lips, seeking entrance.

This was not fair. With each second that passed, the harder it became to stop him. It didn't help that the last two days with Kaidan had felt like the longest foreplay ever, and there had been no release in sight since they had decided not to cheat and who knew when they were going to see each other again.

As much as her body wanted it though, she couldn't use Jarell like this. She couldn't sleep with him while thinking about another man. The fact that they were still in the hallway wasn't that much of an issue, since he was pretty good at finding secluded corners for them to do it in.

"Jarell, stop. We need to talk," she said, still a little breathless from their kiss.

"Not now, Shepard. It's been almost four months since you last set foot here. Please." He buried his face in the crook of her neck, breathing in her scent and giving her wonderful feather-light kisses that were raising goosebumps on her skin.

It was getting out of hand. She had to put an end to this. "I went to Mindoir," she blurted out.

That gave him pause. Slowly, he set her down and pulled back enough to face her. "Why didn't you tell me? I would've have come with you. How was it?"

"It was… the way I needed it to be, actually."

He shook his head and let out a relieved sigh. "I think I owe you an apology. When you said you weren't coming, I thought you were going to Vancouver to see that guy."

 _Fuck me._  This was going to be horrible. "Jarell," she sucked in a deep breath, "Kaidan was there–"

"What?"

"–with me–"

"Are you saying–"

"–on Mindoir."

"What the fuck, Shepard? Why would you tell me you needed to be alone then? Just so you could be  _alone_  with him?"

"It wasn't like that. I wasn't expecting…" She dragged her hands over her face, frustrated with herself for being so bad at this, for never knowing the right things to say. "I didn't plan to… Look, I'm sorry."

"Did you…? Fuck. Please, don't tell me you… Oh, man. You slept with him, didn't you?"

She could see it in his eyes, underneath his angry tone and the snarl on his lips that he was hurting, and she hated it. "No! No. I didn't. I wouldn't." Or would she have? If Kaidan hadn't stopped them when they were at the orchard, would she have? Oh, wait. In a sense, she had slept with him. "I mean, we–"

Her omni-tool pinged and she opened it to check who was trying to contact her. It was a timely interruption, or she might have tried to explain to Jarell how she had, in fact, slept with Kaidan but had not had sex with him. There was little chance that that piece of information would make this mess any better.

Jarell gave her an incredulous look. "You're going to check your mail  _now_?"

Dammit. She should have ignored it. But, then again, it had been a message from Specialist Foley requiring all New Delhi crewmembers to report back to the ship ASAP. "I'm sorry, but–"

"I'm so tired of your apologies, Shepard. They mean shit."

"–the commander wants everyone back on the ship. I have to go."

"Then go. I'm done."

"Can't we talk later?"

"When, Shepard? In three months, when you dock here again? Or does this look like a conversation to be had over text messages to you?"

Would it be bad if she suggested a vid-call instead of texting?

"Just say it. You're still in love with him," he continued, hitting the mark, and he knew her well enough to recognize the guilty look on her face. "You want to get back together." It was an accusation, not a question.

"I hadn't realized it before, but–"

"He dumped you; he broke your heart. I found you drunk, sleep-deprived, and in tears on top of that building, because of him, Shepard. I hope you know what you're doing." With that, he stalked into his dorm, and she had no other choice but report back to the ship. Anderson was waiting for his team.

* * *

Shepard sat in the New Delhi's mess, sipping on some terrible coffee one of the other marines had made. She couldn't believe the night she was having. First, breaking up with Jarell had been much harder, and had gone worse, than she had thought it would. Then, she had gotten back to the ship only to find out from a very tired and frustrated Anderson that the Alliance brass had terminated their operation; not that the commander had made his emotions on the matter clear, but she had been able to read them in the lines around his eyes and mouth.

Their mission had been written off by the admiralty board as a 'huge success' that had ended the Cerberus threat by blowing up their base of operations.

It had to be some kind of messed up joke. Everyone on the team knew that that base was a decoy; just a trap Cerberus had set up to destroy the New Delhi and its crew, like they had done to the officers that had been investigating them.

At least the Alliance hadn't taken command of the ship away from Anderson, nor reassigned anyone from the team he had so carefully assembled.

"Shepard." The commander walked past her and towards his locker to retrieve the coffee from his personal stash.

"Commander."

"You look like hell, private."

"If I may say so, sir, you don't look that good either."

Anderson halted and stared for a moment at the French press in his hand before stuffing it back in his locker. "Want to go for a drink? I'm buying."

Right at this moment, there was nothing she wanted more. "Just the one, sir?"

"Don't push it, private." He tried to keep his tone serious, but the corner of his mouth quirked up a bit.

* * *

Half a bottle of whisky later, Anderson was considerably less stern and uptight, but a lot more bitter. "They're promoting me to Staff Commander, but it feels like they're buying me off to drop the talk about Cerberus."

She couldn't decide if she should follow that up by saying 'congratulations' or 'I'm sorry'.

"I shouldn't have accepted it," he said, shaking his head.

"Sir, is there really anything we can do about Cerberus now?"

"The orders concerning our next assignment are coming in tomorrow. I can't just disregard them. There are other issues in the galaxy that require the attention of the Alliance."

"I understand, sir. For what it's worth, I'm proud to be part of your team. We might have fallen into a Cerberus trap, but they were the ones who ended up take a beating. And, you still got all of us out of there in one piece. Your promotion is well deserved, if you ask me."

Anderson poured them another dose of whisky with an amused look on his face. "Giving your CO a pep talk, Shepard?"

She smiled back at him. "It looked like you needed it, sir."

"I hope I'm still around to see you get your first command. I have a feeling it'll fit you like a glove."

"I don't know, sir. No offense, but you'll probably be dead of old age by then. I'm not exactly flying through the ranks."

"It might take less time than you think, Shepard. I've appointed both you and Santiago for a promotion. It's already been approved. I couldn't have gotten everyone off that rock alive if it hadn't been for you."

She had automatically been promoted to private 1st class when she had finished her specialization. Now, thanks to Anderson, she would move up to the next rank in much less time; that definitely brightened up her day. "Thank you, sir."

"You deserve it,  _corporal_." He raised his glass and she clinked hers with his.

* * *

07/10/2175

The SSV New Delhi would be departing in the next hour, and Shepard went over to her locker to see the new set of armor and the amp Anderson had ordered for her. The Antares series amps that were standard Alliance gear came in plastic boxes, but in her locker there was only a brushed metal one. She opened it to find a twenty thousand grand, Astrum V manufactured by Kassa Fabrication—one of the best amps on the market.

Her eyes roamed the deck until she spotted Anderson. He was looking at her, and gave her a nod. With a small smile on her lips, she closed her hand around the amp, and nodded back.

It didn't matter what their mission would be this time. Anderson was the best CO she'd ever had and she would follow him into hell itself.

* * *

12/31/2175

Shepard went into the restroom at the spaceport in Vancouver and changed into her civvies. From a side pocket in her duffel bag, she retrieved her amp box. Inside it was not her Astrum V amp, but one of the small treasures she had recovered the day she had visited her old house on Mindoir with Kaidan—a name necklace her grandma had given her over ten years ago. She used to wear it every day back then, only removing it before bed. Like everything else she had once owned, it had been left behind on the night of the attack.

She put on the gold necklace and detached her amp from her headjack, storing it back in its box. Looking at her reflection in the mirror, she ran her fingers slowly over the letters that now lay on her chest. _Lisa_. Seeing that name brought a smile to her lips. She looked almost… normal.

Her hand went up to cover the scar on her face. Now, she looked normal... and, not quite right. She dropped her hand to her side. That scar was a part of her as much as anything else. She wasn't Lisa Mae or Jane. She was both, the farm girl and the marine; a woman only Kaidan knew. That was why she had chosen today to wear that necklace again. After they had decided to get back together, this would be the first time they were going to meet.

* * *

01/01/2176

Kaidan looked down at Shepard, asleep on his shoulder on their ride back to Arcturus. From there, he would return to Mindoir, where he was still serving, and she would be back on board the New Delhi. God knew when they would be able to see each other again. Was it always going to be like this for them; having one stolen night after months apart?

Fourteen hours—that had been the total amount of time they had had alone, in the hotel room he had booked for them to spend the night in Vancouver.

_They stumbled inside, mouths on each other, hands working frantically to remove all the pieces of clothing between them. She pushed him down on the bed and crawled on top of him. His eyes fell to her necklace, the only thing she was still wearing._

" _Lisa," he whispered, and he felt her smile against his lips as he pulled her into a kiss._

He closed his eyes, smiling at the memory. Staying on the beach until the fireworks started had proved to be impossible. They had been waiting too long for that reunion to be able to keep their hands off each other.

_She was driving him mad within seconds, slowly lowering herself onto him and then pulling out, teasing him with the warmth and wetness of her sex. When he tried to spin them around, she pinned him to the bed, holding his wrists to his sides. If he wanted, he could break free, but he was enjoying her display of power too much; it was hot as hell._

That had never happened before. She had never taken charge of their love-making so decisively like that, with not even a hint of shyness. During their time apart, she had changed, grown more confident.

_Eyes locked with his, she finally took him in fully, his name a wanton moan on her lips. She released his hands to explore her body as she rode him, setting a punishing rhythm on her own. She was so strong and athletic, so full of desire; his help wasn't needed and he let her fuck him as he focused his attention on the pert breasts bouncing in front of him. Her skin was feverish with her biotics ablaze, making her wonderfully sensitive to his touch._

Kaidan laughed, remembering how fast it had ended.

_Lisa crying out his name, short blunt nails digging into his chest as he emptied himself inside her._

It had been no surprise. All that pent-up sexual energy that had been leaving the air charged around them ever since their last encounter months ago on Mindoir needed urgent release.

But, of course, that had been only the first time they had had sex last night.

_She looked so enticing in the shower, with water dripping down her naked body. It reminded him of the abandoned farm on Mindoir when she had kissed him, soaked from the rain, and how badly he had wanted to just take her there on the dirt. Now, there was nothing stopping him and he joined her, trailing a path down her body with his mouth; kissing, licking and nipping, tasting and teasing her until he was on his knees in front of her. He put her leg over his shoulder, opening her to him as he reached between her thighs. His tongue dipped into her, making her gasp. He replaced it with his fingers as he started sucking her clit. He used his other hand to steady her as she quivered and moaned. Her grasp on his hair was almost painful until she came and had to lean heavily against the wall so she wouldn't fall._

Around midnight, somehow, they had managed to take their hands off each other long enough to get dressed and make it to the balcony. The view hadn't been that bad, with the waterfront just three blocks down the street from the hotel. They had even remembered to crack open two beers, thus fulfilling their New Year's Eve tradition. Surprisingly, making it back into the bedroom had also proved to be a challenge.

_Lisa kissed him. It was sweet and slow at first, the tip of her tongue dancing on his lips until he gave her access. Although he couldn't know for sure, he guessed it had been on purpose that her fingers had softly run over his amp port just as her tongue invaded his mouth. His biotics burned like a wild fire, clashing with hers in a bright messy flare that made his whole body tingle. She dropped to her knees while still holding eye contact, a mischievous glint in her gaze. Lowering his jeans and underwear just enough to free his cock, she didn't give him time to register the cold outside; instantly, hungrily, taking him in her hot little mouth._

Eventually, they had found their way back to the bed and naked, under the covers and wrapped around each other, they had fallen asleep.

He didn't realize Shepard was awake until he felt her hand on his lap, a finger running along the length of his… erection over his uniform. Damn. Thinking about last night had gotten him hard. He grasped her hand to stop her. They were taking a ride on an Alliance cruiser; definitely not the place for that. The ship had broken out of atmo about an hour ago and most of the crew and other marines on board had already unbuckled their seatbelts and were walking about, but Kaidan and Shepard hadn't moved from their seats because she had fallen asleep and he hadn't wanted to disturb her. The truth was, they hadn't gotten that much sleep last night, so he figured she could use the rest.

"So… what are you thinking about, huh?" she asked, that wicked crooked smile of hers making him want to crush his mouth to her lips.

This morning, he had woken up to that same smile as she'd rubbed herself against him like a cat.

_He got on top of her this time, pinning her on her stomach with his weight. He straddled her, his thighs keeping her legs closed as he entered her from behind. It was perfection how tight she was like this. And, the way she squirmed underneath him, trying to open her legs to take him in deeper; it was maddening._

"You. Last night. This morning." Fuck. He sucked in a deep breath, shifting in his seat, trying in vain to make his arousal less obvious. "We can't do this here, Shepard."

She pulled back, sighing. "I know. Just… think of something else then."

"Like what?" He didn't want to think of anything else, he wanted her.

 _After eating breakfast in bed, they went for another shower. In three hours, it would be noon and they would have to check out of the hotel; more than enough time though for him to have her against the wall in the steamy bathroom. He was thrusting slowly into her for a change, alternating light kisses to her neck and long ones on her mouth; drinking her in; reveling in the feel of her body pressed against his. At the same time, she was all soft skin and hard muscles, sharp angles and tantalizing curves;_  s _he was beyond compare. It was easy to lift her. She was so light and nimble, he could take his time and still wouldn't need the help of biotics to hold her up. It didn't keep dark energy from constantly radiating from him though, or from her. Not having to restrain himself around her was a wonderful feeling. He could let it all loose, like she would always do, too._

"I don't know. What about those toothless dudes in the hockey matches you watch?" she suggested.

Yeah. That did it.

After a few moments of silence, she asked the question they'd been avoiding, "So… when do you think we'll be able to see each other again?"

They should've talked about this already, should've discussed their relationship and how they were going to make it work, but they had been too caught up in making up for lost time.

When it started taking him too long to formulate his reply, she said, "Do you think you can get some time off on Armistice Day? The commander will be giving us some shore leave."

The Alliance Military was made up of people of all nations and beliefs. So, it was common that Christian soldiers would request leave on Christmas, for instance, and the non-Christians would cover for them. The same would happen on Yom Kippur and other religious holidays. They all covered for each other. There was, however, one holiday everyone celebrated, and that was the First Contact War Armistice Day.

The Alliance never slept and never stopped. But, on the third week of April there would always be more soldiers on leave than at any other time of the year.

"I'll have to check with Major Keller."

She nodded. "The New Delhi will be docked at Arcturus. We could meet there and then go some place else together."

"Any ideas?"

"I heard Elysium is nice."

* * *

04/15/2176

The SSV New Delhi docked at Arcturus. From there, the crew could catch a ride to wherever they wanted to spend their week of leave. Shepard and Kaidan had made plans to go to Elysium and had even made reservations, but then he had been transferred from Mindoir to the brand-new Alliance frigate SSV Agincourt and there was no way he could get a week of leave after having just started his new posting.

Regardless, he had insisted that Shepard should go anyway and get some rest; that she deserved a nice vacation. She had offered his ticket to Emily. Her friend had graduated from the University a few months ago and had been upset at not yet managing to find a job in her field. Shepard thought a trip might be just the thing to cheer her up.

Junsuke Saito, Brianna Jones, and Andrei Mikhailovich, who had attended AIT with Shepard, were also going, and so were Daniel Santiago and Gabriela Franco, who were serving with her on the New Delhi. She'd rather have spent the holiday in bed with Kaidan, but that wasn't an option, and hanging out with her friends was definitely second best.


	28. Skyllian Blitz - Part 1

04/18/2176

"C'mon, guys. It's not a weekend without some sand."

"It's Thursday, Mikha," Jones replied.

He shrugged. "You know what I mean. Weekend, Thursday, holiday, whatever."

Shepard had heard a lot about red sand. During AIT, her DIs had explained about its effects on biotics and the dangers of using it. Mikhailovich was already making three lines of that shit on the nightstand. It looked to her like he had about twenty grams left in the small plastic bag he had brought. It must've cost him a fortune. He would die if he consumed all that alone. She hoped he knew better.

Emily was looking wide-eyed at the whole situation, but Saito and Jones seemed unfazed. They had kept in touch with Mikha more than Shepard had, and were probably used to that kind of behavior. At least it didn't seem like they were messing with the drug, too.

"Fuck, Mikha. Don't do this here. You'll get us in trouble."

"Jesus, Shepard. Why are you always such a stick in the mud? C'mere. Do a line with me. It'll make you less of a pain in the ass." He sniffed the first line and rubbed at his nose.

Even standing almost two meters from him, she could feel the surge of dark energy within his body. "Mikha put that away or, I swear to God, I'm throwing you out of here."

"Oh, you can't take me when I'm sand-blasted," he snickered.

"Try me." She flared, and Emily, Saito, and Jones took a step back.

Mikhailovich quickly sniffed the second and third lines, stuffed the bag into his pocket, and burst into obnoxious laughter. "I'll put it away _for now_ , Shepard, but that's just 'cause I don't wanna hurt you."

"Good," she replied, rolling her eyes and letting her biotic corona fade.

The others let out relieved breaths, but the tension remained in the air. Shepard just wished Santiago and Franco would get there soon, so they could all leave the motel and go to that damn Armistice Day Parade.

"God, I feel great! I feel so alive." Mikha was pacing, gesticulating widely, and getting on Shepard's nerves.

She was beginning to wonder if coming to Elysium with these guys had been a good idea, when suddenly they heard what sounded like a string of sonic booms.

"Woohoo!" Mikha shouted, running towards the balcony with his arms up in the air as if he were celebrating something.

There were a few minutes of dead silence, followed by what definitely sounded like bombings, but it was too far away from where they were for them to be able to really see anything. Saito powered up his tool, searching the extranet for information about what was going on, while Jones began surfing through the channels on the TV.

The bombings continued, slightly closer now. It seemed that the news networks still hadn't caught wind of whatever was going on out there. Then, the lights went out and, with the colony in complete darkness, they were able to see the blasts in the distance. The extranet was still working, but all Saito could find were people on social networks reporting explosions on Elysium and all of them as confused as they were about the details.

Shepard tried to contact Santiago and Franco, but got no response. The extranet went dark next. Thankfully, all military-grade omni-tools had radio, which was still working. It wasn't as practical as using a comm unit, but it was all they had with them right now.

Along with the explosions, soon there were shots being fired and people screaming. It sounded so damn familiar to the night of the attack on Mindoir; it made Shepard's blood run cold in her veins. For an instant, she was paralyzed. What made her spring into action was seeing Emily running over to the balcony after Jones and Saito.

"Emily, get back inside. Now!" she yelled at her friend, rushing to retrieve her amp and her sidearm.

Emily gave her a confused look, which she ignored, unceremoniously grabbing the girl by the arm and dragging her back into the room.

"Stay in here," she barked.

Saito and Jones had their pistols in hand and were taking cover behind the railing on the balcony while trying to figure out what exactly was going on. At the same time, they were also wrestling Mikhailovich so he would keep his head down and stop his excited screaming.

Shepard joined them and took a peek over the railing. There was a lot of smoke and the blinking lights of weapons being fired in the dark, but nothing was clear.

Mikha managed to free himself and get up, pulling down his pants to moon whoever was out there. There was no time to pull him back down. He fell to the floor to gasp his last breath with two holes in his chest and one in his head.

Emily started crying and Shepard yelled at her to get into the bathroom and wait there.

With their barriers up, she, Jones, and Saito sprang out of cover and returned fire. Her stomach turned when she realized the people shooting at them were batarians. This was Mindoir all over again and she didn't think she was ready for it. But, of one thing she was sure: she was going to fight back to the death this time and she wouldn't go down without taking some of them with her.

The attackers were wearing armor, had shields, and were using assault rifles. Shepard and her two friends were in civvies, had only their sidearms and knives, and biotic barriers.

They fell back behind cover and Shepard took a deep, steadying breath before closing Mikhailovich's eyes and removing his tool off his arm. She tossed it over to Emily, who had been trying to record the action, despite being terrified and with her hands shaking. Wong almost dropped it, her nervousness making her clumsy, but then she equipped it on her other arm and obeyed Shepard's orders to hide in the bathroom.

When the door closed, the adept felt a little relieved that her friend was out of any immediate danger.

The marines had too little ammo and there was no point wasting it on armored and shielded opponents. The railing was made of metal plates that were large enough for a person to be hidden from view while crouching behind him, but just barely, and it didn't look like they could hold up to much more fire.

Shepard, Saito, and Jones would have to finish those mercs with their biotics and then get the hell out of that motel before more arrived.

After each round of attacks, she talked to Emily over the radio on Mikhailovich's tool, trying to reassure her friend, calm her down, and, at the same time, instruct her on how to send a distress signal over to the Alliance. Someone else had probably done it already, but it was better to be safe than sorry.

There was finally a break from the shooting, and the marines decided it was time to move. Jones took Mikha's dog tags and squeezed his rigid hand affectionately before reaching into his pocket and retrieving the bag of red sand.

"Brianna, what are you doing?" Shepard asked.

"All we have is our biotics. This might be useful," she replied.

Shepard remembered feeling Mikha's powerful surge of energy when he had sniffed that shit earlier and, as much as she hated to admit it, Jones had a point.

* * *

04/19/2176

Kaidan woke up a bit dazed by the sudden commotion inside the Agincourt. The morning cycle hadn't even started yet and Captain Fayad's voice was blaring over the speakers, ordering the crew to return to their stations and the marine detail to suit up and head over to the hangar deck.

On their way down, the soldiers were speculating about what was going on, but no one knew for sure.

Minutes later, Captain Fayad was stepping out of the elevator in full armor with Staff Lieutenant Nathan Price and Operations Chief Charles Pressly right behind him, and all the marines on deck snapped to attention.

"We've just received several distress calls from one of our colonies. Pirates are attacking our people and the Agincourt is the only warship in the area. This will be our first mission. We'll be severely outnumbered, but we can't abandon the colonists to their fates," the captain said.

It seemed that Kaidan was about to face his first combat situation in the service. It was thrilling, and a little bit nerve-wracking, too.

"Sir, the Alliance confirmed the reinforcements. The SSV Kilimanjaro will be there in six hours, and the entire Second Fleet is coming, but it'll take them at least eight hours to get to the colony," Pressly informed him.

"Zimmerman, what's our ETA?" Fayad asked the pilot over the comm.

"Approximately two hours, sir."

The captain grimaced, exchanging a worried look with his operations chief. "We need to do better than that."

"I've plotted all possible courses, sir. Two hours is the best we can do and we'll already be pushing the ship to her limits," Zimmerman said.

"Marines," Fayad turned back to his soldiers, "I want you down here in ninety minutes for a final mission briefing before we hit the ground. Be ready, and pray that this won't turn into another Mindoir. Dismissed."

"Sir," one of the soldiers called. "Which colony is it?"

"Elysium."

The deck exploded with nervous chatter. One marine had a sister living there; others had friends who had gone there for the holiday. Kaidan's blood drained from his face and he drew in a ragged breath as he activated his tool to call Shepard.

"Please, pick up. Please," he kept muttering after every failed attempt.

"Hey, Alenko, why the long face? I thought I heard you say you wanted to spend the holiday on Elysium." It was MacTavish, who had been transferred from Mindoir along with Kaidan and Walker. That had to be the worst timing for a joke ever.

"Hey, moron." Walker slapped MacTavish upside the head. "That was because his girlfriend is there."

"Fuck." The private approached him and gave him a pat on the shoulder. "I'm sorry, man."

Kaidan felt a lump forming in his throat. That sounded like condolences and he didn't like it at all.

"Lydia, right?" MacTavish asked.

"No, it's the other one," Walker replied.

"Alenko, you dog! You've got a girl in every port?" Corporal Rogers chimed in.

Kaidan pinched the bridge of his nose and, without bothering to give his friends a reply, he walked away so he could keep trying to get in touch with Shepard without being disturbed.

* * *

"Go, go, go!" Shepard was providing cover fire as Jones led Emily and some other civilians out of the motel, while Saito was collecting weapons and ammo from dead enemies.

There were a lot of lodges, hotels, and resorts in this area of Illyria―the capital, and most populated city, on Elysium. Entire buildings were coming down with the bombardments and they needed to find a place where there was less of a chance they would get hit by missiles and debris.

Was it too much to hope that they would stumble across an underground bunker as they navigated the streets with a rapidly growing number of civilians behind them? At least it seemed there weren't many enemy forces on the ground yet. All they needed was to find a hiding place before the batarians got the jump on them.

Shepard was about to ask the group if there was anyone more familiar with the city layout who could suggest a safer place for them to hide when she saw a street sign for the subway. It would have to do. "Saito, Jones; let's get everyone down at the next subway station."

* * *

"Kaidan? It's three in the morning here. Did something happen? Are you all right?"

"Ma, Elysium is under attack. Shepard is there, but I can't reach her. She's not answering."

"Oh, God."

"She's on leave. I hope she took her amp," he said, more to himself than to his mother.

"Rylan, wake up!" Barbra shook her husband beside her.

"I have to go." He decided not to tell her he was going planetside, so she wouldn't worry about him, too. "Please, try to contact her and send me a message if…" No ifs. Shepard was alive. She had to be. " _As soon as_ you talk to her."

His mother nodded. "All right, son. And if you hear from her first, let us know."

"What's going on?" his father grumbled, yawning.

"Elysium is under attack and Jane's there on leave," Barbra replied.

Looking considerably more alert, Rylan pulled his wife's omni-tool to his face so he could talk to Kaidan. "What kind of attack?"

"Pirates. We don't know all the details yet."

"Son, listen, Shepard's tough. She's been through this before. She's a survivor."

"Yeah." That didn't help much. The fact that she had gone through this before only made it even sadder.

"Are you…" Rylan squinted, his eyes searching the screen, focusing first on the soldiers in the background sealing their suits and readying weapons, and then on what could be seen of his son's armored chest and shoulders. When their eyes met again, Kaidan knew his dad had figured out what was going on.

Rylan glanced at his wife and the sentinel shook his head slightly in a silent plea for his father not to tell her about it. With a nod, the man acknowledged Kaidan's unvoiced request. "Godspeed, son."

* * *

Because of the parade, there had been tens of thousands of people in the streets. They were all crammed together, down in the subway now. Shepard, Saito, and Jones were guarding them with the help of a few other soldiers that had happened to be on Elysium for the holiday, police officers, and some civilians who knew how to handle a gun and had volunteered for the job. Unfortunately, there was still no sign of Franco or Santiago.

Shepard hated to put civilians in this position, especially because the enemies were much better prepared and equipped, but it had to be done. These people needed to be prepared in case the soldiers and policemen that were holding the line perished. The rest of the civilians wouldn't stand a chance otherwise.

The bulk of the pirate ground forces hadn't reached them yet, but anyone could tell they were coming. The air was filled with smoke; the ground was shaking. Gunshots, screams, and explosions; the ugly noises of death and destruction were getting closer and louder by the minute.

With a sharp intake of breath, Shepard rolled her shoulder and cracked her neck. On one hand, her fingers were tight around her weapon; on the other, dark energy was crackling. Let them come. This time, she would be waiting for them.

* * *

Zimmerman had gotten them to Elysium in two hours, but deployment had to be delayed. There were too many enemy ships in the planet's airspace, and the pilot had had to shoot his way down to the landing zone. However, despite being numerous, the pirate vessels did not have the firepower to match an Alliance frigate.

The LZ was just outside Illyria, the city where the mercs seemed to be focusing their attacks. The marines disembarked quickly with their captain taking point in the M29 IFV (AKA _Grizzly_ ), and started advancing towards the city while Zimmerman got the Agincourt airborne again to keep engaging the enemy vessels.

The scenery on the ground was that of a full blown war, with destroyed buildings, smoking craters, abandoned vehicles, and dead bodies scattered all over the place. If there were any survivors, they were in hiding.

The further they advanced into the city, the more gruesome were the tableaus they were coming across. The people of Elysium had been caught so off guard that they had died in their bathing suits, workout clothes, sandals, cocktail dresses, high heels, and wearing silly hats for the Armistice Day parade. Among the dead, there were kids, men and women, senior citizens; no one had been spared. There were severed limbs and charred bodies and, when MacTavish stopped to throw up, no one said a word about it because they were all struggling to keep it together in the face of all that cruelty, destruction, and the foul smell of death.

Kaidan wanted nothing more than to find Shepard but, at the same time, he didn't want to look at the corpses and find her amongst them. There was no way to describe what he was feeling other than sheer agony.

The first survivors they came across were so badly wounded that there really wasn't anything that could be done for them. They were twelve soldiers on foot, and six in the Grizzly, with limited resources and no doctors, or even a field medic, among them. Until the reinforcements arrived, their priority was to engage the hostiles to prevent more attacks on innocent people.

* * *

Emily Wong recorded with her tool, capturing inspiring images of the people working together and gathering everything they could to make barricades at the bottom of the stairs in the subway station; Saito biotically retrieving weapons from fallen enemies and arming brave and determined civilians; Jones using biotic pulls to get people off the street and into the relative safety of the underground station; Shepard stopping, with a stasis field, a missile that had been dropped right on top of them, and then throwing it towards an incoming wave of enemy ground forces.

While most of the people were safely behind the barricades, the biotic marines were bravely standing outside, along with other soldiers, policemen, and volunteers; using debris for cover as they tried to not let the enemies get to the barricades and to the countless lives behind them.

There was also touching footage of the wounded, dying in the arms of their loved ones; of the subway entrance that Saito had been guarding being buried underneath the debris of a nearby building that had been bombed and was falling apart; of Shepard rolling down the stairs like a rag doll, her face covered in blood after being caught in the blast radius of the missile she had just thrown at the enemies.

The less honorable details of the war were caught by the camera on Emily's tool, too. People breaking into vending machines and fighting over bags of chips and candy bars; Saito lying and saying that he was a commander of the Alliance in order to get people to fall in line and not question his orders; Jones abandoning her post and the people she had been protecting to go dig after Saito; Shepard sniffing red sand and rubbing some on her gums for faster absorption and then going back up the stairs with her biotics on fire and looking more than ready to stop another freaking missile with her mind.

Emily didn't blame them. There was no chain of command, no resources, no power, no communications, no medicine or first-aid, and they had been holed up in the subway for over seven hours now. The stress levels were through the roof.

"Shepard, you need to tell Brianna to come back. You can't keep guarding two entrances. You're going to get yourself killed," Emily said, cautiously approaching the intimidating beacon of light shaped like the woman that was her friend.

It was impossible to see the marine's features past the blinding brightness of her biotic barrier, but Emily was sure her eyes would be bloodshot and red-rimmed, pumped up on sand like she was.

The only sign that Shepard had listened to Wong was the fact that she actually radioed Jones and asked how the search for Saito was going.

"I can't find him, Shepard. Mikha's gone. We can't lose Jun, too. _I_ can't," Brianna sobbed over the radio.

"Keep looking. I've got you covered," Shepard replied.

Emily shook her head. Shepard and Jones were high, anxious, tense, and tired and they were making poor decisions.

"Ground enemy unit incoming at three o'clock," announced one of the police officers who were helping guard the perimeter.

Wong felt herself fly back down the stairs and towards the barricade, and it took her a few seconds to realize Shepard had thrown her biotically to get her out of harm's way.

"You're not taking anything else from me. I will destroy you!" the marine kept yelling at her foes as she sprayed them with bullets and tore them apart with biotic warps.

Although the majority of the pirates attacking the colony were batarians, there were a few other species in the mix. But, Shepard insisted on calling them all 'fucking batarian fuckers.' It was just another thing that wouldn't look too good on the footage Emily was collecting.

Shepard was fully unleashed and she was a force to be reckoned with. Emily had never seen this side of her friend before. Incredibly powerful and brave, but maybe a little too enraged and hateful.

* * *

The Second Fleet had finally arrived, and radio communications were being restored as they finished off the remaining enemy vessels.

Zimmerman contacted the Agincourt ground unit now that the signals were no longer suffering heavy interference or being outright scrambled by the enemy. "Captain, we've picked up some friendlies over the radio. They're pinned down in a subway station two klicks south of your location."

Captain Fayad looked over at what was left of his team. Eighteen had touched the ground last night, but only fourteen had made it through to the morning. They had spent the night advancing slowly towards downtown Illyria and trying to keep themselves hidden as they picked off enemies from cover. It was the most prudent strategy, considering how heavily outnumbered they were. But, despite having lost count of how many pirates they had killed, they had still lost four of their own, and running into so few survivors in the colony hadn't helped morale much either. They were all looking exhausted and disheartened.

Not that it mattered now. They would have to keep going. An air strike in the subway station area would be too risky and endanger even more of the colonists who were hiding there.

"Break is over," Fayad told his marines. "We're going in on foot."

Kaidan got up, finishing off his last energy bar. The pack said it was apple and cinnamon flavored, but to him it was tasteless. He was feeling completely numb. It was like his body was moving on its own, following the captain's orders by itself while he watched from the sidelines in a semi-catatonic estate. Was there any chance that Shepard was still alive? He knew she wouldn't hide; she wouldn't try to stay safe. This had happened to her before and she had told him how much she had hated that she hadn't been able to fight back; how much she wished she could've helped her family. This time, she would certainly throw herself at the enemy; she would see this as her chance to make up for Mindoir, even though nothing that had happened there had been her fault. There wasn't anything she wouldn't do to keep civilians safe and to get her friend Emily out of this alive. She wouldn't think twice about giving her life to protect this colony.

Would he ever see her alive and well again, or would he go around the next corner and trip over her mangled corpse? What if she was hurt and dying alone in one of the buildings they had passed by without checking inside? What if she was one of the unrecognizable burned bodies they had seen?

For the thousandth time, he tried to contact her and got nothing. After so much wasted time, they had just gotten back together; he couldn't handle losing her. This couldn't be it for them. Why did these things keep happening to her? Hadn't she gone through enough already?

"I passed the coordinates over to our other birds, sir. They're sending their ground units to join you," the pilot announced, informing them about much needed reinforcements to the Agincourt shore party.

"Sir." It was Pressly this time, also communicating from the ship. "I'm getting you on the frequency of the subway group. It seems there's a civilian in charge. Her name is Wong."

Kaidan felt his heart skip a beat. This couldn't be just a coincidence. It had to be Emily; she had come here with Shepard. But, then why wasn't Shepard the one contacting the Alliance? Where was she? Was she busy? Hurt? Worse? The captain was on the radio with this Wong now and, even though Kaidan was listening in on the frequency, he couldn't interrupt. But, despite not having talked to Emily in a while, he could swear it really was her. At least, that gave him hope that he was getting closer to finding Shepard.


	29. Skyllian Blitz - Part 2

It had taken the Alliance long enough, but they had arrived and had been engaging the enemy vessels for almost an hour now. Still, there had been no sign yet of a shuttle or a ground team coming to their rescue. Emily hoped they would get there soon, because with the way things were going now, she and the other civilians hiding in the subway wouldn't last much longer.

They had been down here for the last ten hours and, in the past two hours, things had gone downhill. Brianna Jones had burned up her amp lifting debris in a fruitless search for Saito and, without being able to sustain a barrier, she had taken a shot to the gut. Shepard had provided cover while civilian volunteers had carried the sentinel back inside the station, where she now lay, passed out from the blood loss. No one knew if she was going to make it.

The civilians had been working on strengthening the barricades, since most of the soldiers and police officers that had been guarding them had been killed or gotten injured. And, for the past hour, Shepard had been holding the line practically alone. In some of her most stellar moments, she had biotically pulled the weapons out of the enemies' hands before they had even spotted her; she had released huge singularities, trapping a dozen mercs at once in each one; she had obliterated entire waves of foes by throwing vehicles and huge chunks of debris at them.

Now, she was barely standing on her feet. There hadn't even been enough food to feed all the children down there, so Shepard hadn't eaten anything. A group had gone scouting for food outside the perimeter that the soldiers had set up around the subway station and hadn't returned.

Shepard was pale and shaking. She had run out of sand, and it had been long enough that the effects of the last blast had already started dying down. Her barrier was wavering and her breathing was labored. With just a few civilians shooting at them and no biotics to help, the remaining enemies were easily closing in.

There was still no power or extranet, but at least someone had finally responded to their radio hails. Emily told her friend that she had talked to the SSV Agincourt and that the Alliance was coming for them.

In response to Emily's good news, Shepard nodded weakly. "I need you to get down there and hide until they get here, okay? And I need you to give my tool to Kaidan and tell him–"

"No! Nononono. No way." Emily did not like how that was sounding.

"What?"

"I don't want to hear your last wishes, Shepard. Help is coming. The Agincourt is here, and that means Kaidan is here, and you're going to tell him whatever you want yourself. There are thousands of people down here that are alive because of you. And we're all getting out of this. You included."

As if on cue, a grenade landed near two of the armed civilians. Earlier, Emily had seen Shepard fearlessly pick up enemy grenades and toss them right back at mercs. In the state she was in, the marine wouldn't be fast enough to do the same now.

"Fall back! Everyone fall back now!" Shepard ordered, and Emily was thankful her friend was aware she wouldn't be able to get rid of the device in time.

However, falling back also meant giving the enemy more ground and the opportunity to advance on their position.

* * *

The Alliance ground units didn't have room to walk without stepping on corpses. They were all of dead pirates though, and there were easily a thousand of them covering the next five hundred meters to the objective. The M29s were rolling right over them, and the rest of the marines were following on foot.

"Yeah! Our people are fighting back!" some soldiers exclaimed excitedly.

Kaidan and the Agincourt unit were definitely less enthusiastic, given the night they had just had at that colony, but the guys from the Second Fleet had been groundside for not nearly as much time and were considerably more optimistic.

If only he could get on the frequency that Captain Fayad had talked to Emily Wong on and ask her about Shepard. But, the COs of all units were using that same frequency now, and he would certainly get reprimanded if he interfered for a personal matter.

* * *

There were about thirty mercs closing in on Shepard's position. They were probably the last enemies in that area that were still standing because there weren't any attacks coming from any other direction. This had clearly become personal. For the past hour, there hadn't been a single shot fired at any of the other barricades at the other entrances to the subway. It was as if the pirates didn't care about anything else anymore; they just wanted the biotic human woman who had been slaughtering them and rallying people to fight them.

Shepard looked at Emily and at the tired civilians she had armed. They were all standing with her ahead of the barricade and they looked scared and exhausted.

"Listen to me. You're going to get behind the barricade now and seal it. I'm going back up the stairs to buy you time. When the mercs get down here, you kill them while they're trying to break down the barricade, understood?"

"Shepard, you can't go back out there."

"I'm going to need you to shut up, Emily, and get the fuck in there now."

Wong gave her an offended look and did not budge.

"We want to stay here and fight," one of the volunteers said.

Shepard looked at him and felt her stomach turn. "Shit. How old are you?"

"Fif– I mean, eighteen. I'm eighteen years old, miss. Ma'am."

God, what the hell was she doing? He had replaced one of the police officers that had been killed over three hours ago. How come she hadn't seen he was just a fucking kid?

The armored steps of the incoming enemies could already be heard. She couldn't waste any more time. Sucking in a deep breath, she pointed her gun at the civilians. "Get the fuck behind the barricade and seal it. Now!"

They all obeyed her this time. Some were looking sad and disappointed and others were just plain horrified.

Emily was the last one to comply and she was in tears. "Shepard…"

"I had one fucking last wish, Emz, and you couldn't even hear it?!" she spat.

That wasn't fair to her friend. Emily had probably thought she was helping when she had refused to listen to Shepard's last wish, but that didn't matter now, did it? It didn't matter now that the marine was about to climb up the stairs alone and exhausted to fight thirty batarian fuckers so no one else would die on her watch.

How many civilians had she sacrificed today, giving them guns so they could face down armored opponents in their fucking shorts and jeans? How many fucking kids had she recruited and armed?

She was sweating like a pig and her hands were shaking so badly that she could hardly aim her weapon; all because she had dusted up so much sand since the attack had started that now that she was out of it, she was probably suffering a heavy use withdrawal crisis. How weak was she to need some fucking drug to be able to keep going and to get an edge in battle?

If her parents were watching her, they were most likely shaking their heads in disappointment right now. She was not worthy of the Marine Corps; she was weak and a coward. Pointing her gun in the faces of a bunch of civilians, including her best friend and a kid, and yelling at them and threatening them had just been the cherry on top of the cake.

As Shepard climbed up the stairs alone―thinking that it was probably the only good decision she had made all day―she sent a throw field ahead of her to meet the mercs that were closer to the subway entrance. Her barrier was fading, and she quickly rolled to hide behind cover. She tried to pull up another barrier, but only wisps came out.

She was trembling so badly that she was going to need both hands on her weapon to help steady her aim if she wanted to have a hope of hitting anyone. In this case, it was best to go with the assault rifle, since it had more firepower.

The enemies were laying heavy fire on the pile of rubbish that was her cover. It wouldn't hold for much longer; she would have to move. The instant she managed to produce a barrier again, she sprung out of cover, but they had been waiting for her.

Her barrier resisted the first bullets that hit, but there was a biotic among them. A couple of hours earlier and he wouldn't have been problem for a powerful―and sand-blasted―L3 adept like her. Now, however, a warp was all it took to obliterate her barrier and then he hit her with a throw that sent her flying backwards to land, already unconscious, in the middle of the stairs to the subway. Her limp body slid down the last steps until she was lying splayed out on the floor.

* * *

"Multiple enemy contacts, eleven o'clock," a marine shouted, and the M29s started shooting.

The pirates barely had time to return fire before being annihilated. It seemed they had been caught off guard.

Twenty meters from the objective, after they had made sure no merc had been left alive in the area, the marines were ordered to stop. Fayad got off his Grizzly and approached the subway entrance with Lieutenant Price and the COs of the other units. They had to be cautious, since there was a chance hostiles might be hiding down there.

"This is Captain Fayad of the Alliance Navy. Drop your weapons and come outside with your hands in the air."

Long seconds of silence went by until they heard what sounded like someone trudging up the stairs. From where he was standing, all Kaidan could see beyond the first four or five steps was darkness.

"I said hands in the air," the captain repeated, using a warning tone, and all marines trained their guns on the subway entrance.

The noise stopped. Whoever had been trying to reach them halted, and then tried to tell them something. The soldiers were apprehensive and completely quiet, but they still couldn't make out any words between the person's heavy breathing, weak voice, and all the gurgling, coughing, and sputtering as she tried to communicate.

"Don't shoot!" another woman yelled from down there, in a much clearer and healthier voice. There were sounds of metal scraping the floor, followed by hurried steps.

Kaidan could swear that voice was Emily's. The wait was killing him. He needed to find Shepard; he needed to know for sure what had happened. As discreetly as he could, he walked over to stand a little ahead of the rest of his unit.

A very weary-looking and ragged Emily emerged from the darkness, her arm around someone dirty and bloodied who was leaning heavily on her.

"I'm Emily Wong. I'm the one who contacted you."

Fayad gave Price a signal and the lieutenant helped Emily set down the injured person she had been carrying.

 _Oh, no_. Kaidan felt his heart sinking as he realized who it was and, at that very moment, Emily spotted him amidst the soldiers.

Her teary eyes met his and, even though she was speaking to Captain Fayad, she did not break eye contact with the sentinel. "This is Corporal Jane Shepard of the Alliance Navy. She kept us safe until you arrived."

Even being half-dead on the ground, Shepard managed to pull off a salute. Her left arm was limp and swollen, probably broken, but the right one seemed to be fine.

At that instant, Kaidan realized it was very hard to follow rules and regs when it came to her because, before he knew it, and without asking for permission, being ordered to, or being dismissed, he had broken off the formation and had run over to kneel by her side. A medic from one of the other teams was already there, assessing her condition, and immediately enlisted Kaidan's help with administering emergency first-aid.

The other marines took a few steps back as people started coming out of the subway―dozens, hundreds. The survivors were pouring out of all the entrances that could be seen in the area, and probably from other stations further down the street, too. Thousands, tens of thousands.

"She needs immediate medical attention, sir," the medic told her CO.

"We'll take her with us on the Agincourt. The hospitals here, if they're still standing, will surely be too busy. We have a medbay and a doctor on board," Fayad intervened. "Price, radio Zimmerman and request a pick up. Alenko, go with her while we wrap things up down here. It seems you have a penchant for this stuff."

 _Probably not unlike any other marine_ , he thought. During boot camp, they had all learned how to provide basic first-aid in the field, and that was pretty much the entire extent of his medical knowledge. However, this was Shepard, and he couldn't just stand there while the woman he loved was hurt like that; that had been why he had gotten to her almost as fast as the medic.

"Hey, Kaidan," Shepard mumbled, the tiniest smile on her chapped lips.

"Hey, Shepard." He held her hand in his, gently stroking it with his thumb. For the first time, he didn't feel the spark of her biotics. Tears sprung to his eyes and he tried to blink them away.

The medic sprayed antiseptic on a cut on her forehead and she winced.

"I'm thirsty." She sounded and looked so tired and weak; it was tearing at him.

"I'll get you some water."

"Food would be great, too."

"I'll talk with the doc and see what we can get you."

"Don't cry. I'll be fine."

His girlfriend was looking like she might take her last breath at any moment, but she was still trying to comfort and reassure him. How was he supposed to not cry?

The medic stopped what she was doing for a second to ask him if _he_ was okay. It was really difficult to not give her a harsh reply, questioning her sanity. Hell, he needed to get it together.

Taking a deep breath and, as politely as he could manage, he told her to ignore him and pay attention to Shepard.

* * *

April 20th, 2176

The Agincourt had suffered some hull damage while fighting the pirate ships on Elysium and was heading to Arcturus for repairs. Until the frigate was ready for action again, the crew would be allowed a few days of leave.

During the trip back to the space station, Kaidan spent his time off in the medbay, assisting the doctor and helping him take care of Shepard while she recovered. Luckily, she hadn't sustained any major injuries―just cuts and scratches that had been cleaned and stitched by the doctor, and a broken arm. If she hadn't also been recovering from severe dehydration from being a biotic and from going so long without eating and drinking anything, she would probably have already been up and about.

His only worry was that the doctor had run some tests and then had asked to speak with her alone. He hoped it was nothing serious. It was unbelievable how long she had endured, constantly using her biotics, without rest, food, or even an energy drink.

When the doctor was done and had left the medbay to have dinner, Kaidan took the chance to talk to Shepard in private. "What's wrong? You look upset."

"It's nothing."

"What did the doctor say? Is everything all right with your tests results?"

"Yeah… Kaidan, I…"

Something wasn't right. She wouldn't meet his eyes and, when he touched her hand with his, she pulled away.

"Any news on the others?" She kept asking about her friends―Jones, Saito, Franco, and Santiago―and he hated that he hadn't found out their whereabouts yet and that he didn't have any good news to give her. That was probably what was upsetting her most.

At least Emily was okay, and she had been allowed on the ship to provide intel on the pirate invasion to Captain Fayad and the Alliance. She would be on board until they got to Arcturus; she could get back to Earth from there. Kaidan had learned a few things from her about the attack, but not much, and she hadn't let him see the footage she had collected; she had said she needed to edit it first. When he had insisted on watching it anyway, she had started making up some poor excuses not to let him, so he had just given up. It was better than listening to her lie to him.

"Not yet. I'm sorry." He wished he could do more to make Shepard feel better, but she hadn't been very receptive to his attempts at comforting her. Was she feeling guilty for having survived when some of her friends hadn't? "You know it's not your fault, right? Whatever happened to them is not your fault."

"I know. I did everything I could. _Everything_. It was really bad down there. I had no choice. Or, maybe I had, but I… I didn't want anyone to die."

"I wish you could've seen all those people coming out of the subway; it was amazing. You saved tens of thousands. They were calling you their hero."

She shook her head, lowering her face to her palms. "Oh, God."

"Hey." Kaidan cupped her chin and grinned when he felt her dark energy reacting to his and making the tip of his fingers tingle. "I'm so relieved to be able to feel your biotics again."

Finally, she met his eyes, but not his smile. The haunted look on her face was unsettling and he hated it. Something had happened that she was not telling him about.

"Shep–" He glanced around the medbay. The blinds on the window to the mess were closed and the doctor hadn't come back yet, so he sat on the edge of her cot. "Lisa, you can talk to me. Tell me what's going on."

* * *

Shepard was feeling sick to her stomach. The doctor had found out about her use of red sand through her blood work. He would have to inform her superiors if they asked; if he considered her unfit for duty, either physically or psychologically, because of the drug; if he believed she needed to join a rehab program. There was no such thing as doctor-patient confidentiality for soldiers in the Alliance. She had assured the guy she was not a red sand addict though, but she didn't know if he had believed her.

This was going to ruin her. Commander Anderson, the Alenkos, Kaidan… everyone she cared about was going to be so disappointed with her and she was probably going to get kicked out of the service.

"Please, talk to me. Maybe I can help. I'm here for you," Kaidan insisted, worried about her.

After a pregnant pause, she replied, "It's nothing. I'm just worried about Brianna and the others." She was a coward. She couldn't tell him about the things she had done to survive Elysium. He would find out anyway when word about it came out. Even if he didn't, she would either get demoted, or dishonorably discharged, and there was no way she would be able to get out of explaining why to him. Most likely, he was going to dump her for the second time; for having lied to him _again_ , for letting him down _again_ , for doing sand, for endangering civilians and being a failure as a soldier; there were plenty of reasons for him to choose from. Maybe she should end this now and spare them both more arguing and suffering.

"All right." He nodded, but looked unconvinced. "I'll keep an eye on all reports from the units that are still groundside until we find them."

"Thank you."

"I love you, Lisa; nothing is going to change that, okay?"

God, why would he say that now? He was on to her; he knew she was hiding something from him.

"Kaidan, I…" _really am a coward._ She couldn't tell him what she had done; she didn't want to disappoint him. And, she couldn't break up with him either; she didn't want to hurt him.

As if on cue, the doctor chose that instant to return to the medbay.

"…love you, too," she finished with a whisper as Kaidan got to his feet, putting a safe distance between them. Public displays of affection were not allowed on Alliance warships, not even if those involved were off-duty.

* * *

Emily had footage of Elysium that no one else had. With a little editing, she could tell plenty of different stories and create heroes and villains to her liking. If she played this right, it would definitely improve her chances of landing a job at a news agency, or maybe even at a larger media corporation.

Of course, she could just sell the raw footage and let someone else decide what to make of it. But, whoever had these images would be writing history. And, passing up the opportunity to do it… perhaps it was too selfish and ambitious, but she'd rather be the one to do it.

There were three different tales she could tell with those images:

 _The truth:_ This would mean showing the marines as real people. How they had fought bravely, but had also had their moments of weakness. How they had protected the civilians, but had also abandoned some of them. Their mistakes and successes as they had really happened.

 _The tale of the anti-hero:_ Shepard could be the star of this one―dusting off red sand, recruiting a kid, threatening civilians, cursing an entire alien race as if they were all the same; doing whatever it took to get the job done with no regards for what was right or wrong. A true renegade. Unprincipled, immoral, and unethical.

 _The legend of the war hero:_ That would be Shepard, too―the selfless marine who was willing to give anything for the safety of the civilians she had been protecting. Who wouldn't stop fighting, even when she could barely stand. The one who had bled for that colony and had saved tens of thousands of lives. There would be no place for her mistakes and bad choices here. She would be shown as a true paragon and the people would have a war hero to celebrate― _the twenty-two year old human woman who had single-handedly stopped a pirate invasion._

The right thing to do would be to tell the truth. The tale of the anti-hero would probably get her way more attention, though. Still, there was something irresistible about creating a hero.

This could be her big break. For Shepard, it could be a game changer, too. Maybe Emily was biased, since the marine was her best friend, but she was seriously considering masking the truth in favor of making Shepard the lone hero of this battle. She definitely had the footage to back it up.

Shepard might not have been the nicest and sanest person during their final hours on Elysium, but Wong knew the marine had done the best she could given the circumstances and their lack of resources. When the Alliance had arrived and Emily had come out from behind the barricade to help Shepard up the stairs, it had broken her heart to see her friend looking so surprised to see her.

" _You don't hate me?"_

" _How could I? You saved me, Shepard. You saved us all."_

Then, there had been all those civilians coming out of the subway and wishing Shepard well, asking if there was anything they could do to help her, praying for her to recover, referring to her as their hero.

 _The Hero of Elysium_ ―that was the story Emily was going to sell.


	30. War Hero

May 8th, 2176

"Congratulations, 2nd Lieutenant Jane Shepard."

Lisa shook hands and exchanged a salute with Captain Hackett and a couple of admirals as she accepted the Star of Terra. It was the highest honor that could be bestowed on a soldier by the Alliance and she was receiving it.

There had been no word anywhere about her drug use or any of her other morally questionable actions during the pirate attack on Elysium. If Doctor Malik had told her superiors about the red sand, they had chosen to ignore that piece of information, or maybe they had filed it as classified.

It was hard to believe this turn of events. Shepard didn't think she deserved the promotion, or the medal. Mikha, Saito, and Franco were gone. Santiago had been found barely alive and was still in recovery. Jones had survived, too, but, as soon as she had been discharged from the hospital, she had resigned from the Alliance and hadn't answered any of Shepard's calls and messages since then.

Two hundred thousand people had died during the invasion. Shepard was not the hero they were making her out to be. She had fucked up badly down there and she had failed her friends. All this undeserved attention she was getting was Emily's fault. A few days after they had been rescued by the Agincourt, her friend had released a video with incredibly shocking and intense images of the invasion, and its victims and heroes. Well, more like  _hero_. Emily had edited the thing to make Shepard look like the bravest, most selfless and, at the same time, the most badass person in the galaxy. Her moments of weakness and self-doubt, her break-downs, and her bad calls hadn't gotten any screen time.

The video had gone viral and suddenly Shepard was being chased by reporters wanting to interview her, receiving thank-you messages and gifts from survivors, and being congratulated and saluted by random people around every corner on Arcturus.

Emily's life had been changed by that video, too. She had received several job offers and had taken one for a media company from Earth that was opening a news channel on the Citadel; the capital of the galactic community and Emily would be living and working there. It was all her friend had ever wanted; the career of her dreams. Shepard could never come clean about what had really happened on Elysium now. She couldn't ruin things for Emily.

She had, however, confronted her friend about the misleading editing of that video.

"Those are the facts, Shepard. I don't care how; all I know is that you really did all those things. You created singularities larger than my apartment, you threw cars, and even a bus, at the pirates with your mind, and you would've sacrificed yourself for us if the Alliance hadn't gotten there when they did. I'm not changing my story," Emily had said, setting her foot down on her version of the attack.

Kaidan, too, had seen the video the day it had come out. The repairs to the Agincourt had been completed the day before and Fayad had notified his crew that they would be leaving Arcturus the next morning, so he and Shepard had made plans to rent a room and spend his last night on the station together. Needless to say, it hadn't gone as planned.

* * *

_April 28th_

_Shepard was already in their room when Kaidan arrived, bringing Chinese take-out so they would have no reason to leave until the morning. Her left arm was still in a sling, but the right one was fine and she was managing to eat without help._

_The TV was kept off, since Elysium was frequently on the news and Kaidan knew it made Lisa nervous and upset to see images of the attack._

_His tool pinged once and he ignored it. Then, hers did. Suddenly, they were both getting several messages from various people, all with the same vid attached or a link to it._

_Shepard opened the one Emily had sent._

EmilyW.: It aired today. Have you seen it? Let me know how you like it. ;)

_It had aired already? The adept knew Emily was working on something with the footage gathered during the attack, but she didn't know it would get done this fast. She had also thought her friend would show it to her first before making the video public._

_Shepard wasn't sure if she wanted to watch it, especially since she still hadn't come clean with Kaidan about the things she had done on Elysium. But, it was too late for that now. If this video had aired, then the truth was out there. Hiding it from Kaidan would only make things worse. This was probably the end of both her career and her relationship._

" _I know you don't want to talk about Elysium, but I think… I think this is about you, Shepard. Maybe we should watch it," he said._

"The Hero of Elysium – How one woman single-handedly saved an entire colony and its people from annihilation _," she read the title and the description out loud. "This can't be right."_

_Kaidan put an arm around her, pulling her closer to him as if to remind her that he was there for her. It was encouraging and reassuring, and she felt even guiltier for not having told him about her mistakes._

" _So, can we watch it?" he asked._

" _Yeah… Kaidan, look… I'm sorry."_

" _Sorry for what?"_

" _For…," she lowered her eyes and breathed deeply, "… everything."_

" _Shepard, what are you talking about?"_

" _You'll see."_

_His brows were furrowed in confusion as he hit play. Soon he would understand._

_Or, maybe not. The video started with explosions lighting up the Illyria horizon and then Shepard providing cover as a group of people escaped the motel; Shepard protecting civilians; Shepard giving a pep talk to the people fighting by her side; Shepard getting hurt; Shepard bleeding; Shepard shaking it off and getting to her feet to keep on fighting; Shepard pulling off incredible biotic moves; Shepard saving the day like a fucking super-hero; Shepard going up the stairs to face the last enemies alone, sacrificing herself like a fucking saint._

_It ended with the crowds pouring out of the subway and saying prayers to Shepard, wishing her well, and even crying on camera as they tried to express how thankful they were for what she had done for them._

_Halfway through the video though, Kaidan had tensed up. His grasp on her had loosened, and at some point towards the end he had pulled away from her completely. By the time it was over, he was leaning with his elbows on his knees and his face buried in his hands._

" _You should've told me." His voice was strained and she knew he had figured out some of the details Emily had left out._

_He rewound the vid to a point when she was ripping a fully grown red oak tree from the ground with her biotics before hurling it at a pirate vessel and destroying it. She must have been way too pumped up on sand when she had done that, because she had no recollection of it at all, even if the footage was there to prove it had really happened._

" _Do you think I don't know what that is? You're good, Shepard, but not that good."_

_Fuck. She should've told him, instead of letting him find out like this. But, she had been afraid of what the truth would mean to them as a couple and had just wanted to enjoy a few more days with him before it all went to hell. It had been selfish and childish of her; she recognized it now._

_He got up and started pacing, trying not to lose his calm. "When was the last time you used it?"_

" _The day of the attack. It was the_ only _time I used it."_

" _How much?"_

" _I don't know. A lot?"_

" _Give me a rough estimate."_

_She, Saito, and Jones hadn't had a precision scale, but they had tried to split Mikha's little bag of sand between them as evenly as possible. "Six to seven grams."_

" _God, Shepard. People overdose with half that amount. If you hadn't been using your biotics so much to burn it down… Damn. I don't even want to think about it." Kaidan dragged his fingers through his hair, shaking his head and sucking in a deep, calming breath. "Have you experienced any withdrawal symptoms? Wait. I know for a fact that you have. It all makes sense now."_

_She walked over to him. "Kaidan, I'm so–"_

" _I don't care about the sand, Shepard," he cut off her apology, grabbing her arms and looking into her eyes. "I care about_ you _. When I heard Elysium was under attack, when I thought that I could lose you… hell…"_

_Just mentioning that she could have died was making him look miserable. She should've known that he would understand, and that her survival would matter more to him than anything else. Why was it so hard for her to believe that someone really loved her that much?_

" _Hey," she said softly, embracing him. "I'm fine."_

" _You're not craving it sometimes?"_

_She was relieved when she felt his arms around her waist, responding to her, and she looked up at him to meet his worried gaze. "No. The doctor prescribed me some medication to help me through detox and withdrawal. But, I was never an addict. It really was just that one day."_

" _Okay. I believe you, Shepard. It's just that… sand is treacherous."_

" _How do you know so much about it?"_

" _Right after Brain Camp… I was pretty messed up."_

" _Do you want to talk about it?"_

" _No." It sounded a bit harsh, so he tried to fix it. "Look, back then all I wanted was to be normal. I hated biotics and I hated myself. So, when I tried sand, I hated it, too. But, still… that rush you get from it… It's hard to resist, even though I wanted my abilities gone, not enhanced. And definitely not out of control."_

" _I know. That was why you didn't like me when we first met."_

_Gently, he brushed his fingers across her cheek and his lips curled into a smile. "But now, I can't get enough of you. You feel better than sand, Shepard."_

_She raised herself on the tips of her toes, closing the distance to his mouth, but he took a step back before she could kiss him._

" _I just… I just wish you'd trust me. I wish you'd stop lying, stop with the secrets."_

" _I didn't want to let you down."_

" _God, stop assuming, too. Why would you think I'd care that you used red sand? It gave you a chance to survive, and that's all that matters to me. If you couldn't stop using it, if you couldn't come back from it, I'd be there for you just the same. I'd help you quit and heal. How come you don't see that? I was scared to death to run into... your corpse there. Fuck." He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes and sighed tiredly. "I love you, Lisa. You're it for me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you."_

_She gasped, surprised. That was the first time he had told her that. If only it were under better circumstances... "That's what I want, too."_

" _Then why do you have to make it so damn hard?" Shaking his head, he started walking towards the door._

" _Wait! Where are you going?"_

_He let out a huff and rubbed the back of his neck. "I need some time to think."_

* * *

That night, he had slept in the barracks with the rest of his unit. The next morning, he had left with the Agincourt, so they hadn't had time to properly sort things out between them.

Even though they weren't on the best terms, she wished he could have been here today while she'd received the Star of Terra. She didn't deserve that medal and all those people celebrating her were making her feel guilty, as if she were deceiving them. Hackett, Anderson, Mitra, Kyle, Jarell, and the entire New Delhi crew were there. Kaidan, at least, knew the truth. Well, not the whole truth…

"You saved everyone but couldn't save my son?" The reality check was coming from Captain Boris Mikhailovich―the one person who had not praised, or even congratulated her, tonight.

Before she could say anything, Jarell intervened. "Hey, your son was a fucking marine. He could take care of himself. She was looking after the civilians as she should have been."

The corporal had come over to give her a hug after the ceremony had ended. If there were any hard feelings on his part over the break-up, he didn't let them show. He was actually looking relieved to see her alive and well, and he was proud of what she had accomplished. They had still been talking when Mikha's dad had approached her.

Shepard knew Jarell was just trying to defend her, but she would have to tell him off. Mikhailovich was a captain after all, and she wasn't going to disrespect his authority; not to mention that he was obviously still grieving the tragic loss of his son.

"Back off, corporal. I don't need you to defend me. Captain Mikhailovich is the ranking officer here. If I were you, I'd show some respect." Shepard turned to the captain. "Sir, I'm sorry I couldn't do more for your son. Know that he was a good friend of mine and that he died bravely. The colony would've been lost if it weren't for him."

Mikhailovich snorted and stalked out of there.

"Jerk," Jarell muttered.

"Hey, let it go."

"'The colony would've been lost if it weren't for him'? Is that even true?"

"Yes."

"I saw the vid, Shepard. His son wasn't even in it. You saved that colony practically alone."

"It couldn't have been done without Mikha."

"Fine." Jarell gave up and they fell silent. Before it got awkward, he let out an amused laugh. "Can't believe you pulled rank on me. How long has it been since you got your promotion? Five minutes?"

"Well, you were out of line,  _corporal_." She stressed his rank just to tease him.

"Damn, Shepard. It's pretty hot when you do that," he said with a mischievous smile that made her blush. "Command suits you."

She cleared her throat, trying to pretend his comment hadn't gotten her all flustered. "What about you? Are you going to spend the rest of your life as a corporal? If you don't get a specialization or go to college, you might never make it to officer, you know?"

"Yeah. Maybe in a couple of years. Right now I'm fine with being a grunt."

"If you say so," she replied, and he nodded.

"It was nice seeing you, Shepard. Congratulations again," he said, taking his leave when he noticed there were others wanting to talk to her.

Kyle and Mitra came over, both looking happy to see her, and Kyle had some good news of his own. He had been promoted to major and would get a ship and a team with the sole purpose of pursuing batarian terrorists throughout the galaxy. It was the first step of the Alliance retaliation strategy for the  _Skyllian Blitz—_ which was how people on the news were referring to the attack on Elysium.

It was probably related to the  _Blitz_ , too, the decision the Alliance had made to build a space station in orbit around the colony. They had announced it during the ceremony earlier today.

"Our new space station is going to house a school for human biotics, Shepard. I guess we have you to thank for that, too," Mitra said with a grateful smile on his face.

She frowned in confusion. "What? Why?"

"Your vid proved how invaluable biotics are; not only for the Alliance, but for humanity. You're an inspiration for biotics everywhere to join the service and use their powers for the greater good," Kyle answered.

"Last week alone, we had more biotics enlisting than in the past three months together," Mitra added.

She was genuinely surprised by this news. "There must be some other reason."

"After BAat was shut down in '69, the Alliance spent years without showing any interest in setting up another training facility specifically for biotic recruits. It is no coincidence that they've decided to do it now, Shepard. You showed everyone what we can do, and now the brass is afraid they might have been letting our potential go to waste. They even decided to listen to our complaints about the Antares amp. We'll be getting the Solaris now. It's the latest model, manufactured by Aldrin Labs."

It was still not as powerful as the Astrum V Anderson had given Shepard, but it was definitely better than the Antares. If Brianna Jones had had the Solaris on Elysium, it wouldn't have burned out like the Antares, and she wouldn't have lost her barrier and gotten shot.

"That's great, but… Mitra, you  _know_  me. What you saw in that vid, the things I did there… you must know that was not… normal." She gave him a pointed look to make sure her meaning was coming across.

His eyes widened and he looked around, worried that someone might be listening. It seemed they were safe, but, for good measure, he leaned in and lowered his voice conspiratorially. "We really need this school, Shepard. You wouldn't want to jeopardize that, would you?"

"No. Of course not."

"Then, I hope you understand how important it is that you keep the 'not normal' parts of this story to yourself," Mitra said, and Kyle nodded in agreement. "Please."

For a moment, she was rendered speechless as it dawned on her that she would never be able to come clean about how things had really gone down on Elysium. Overall, the good that had come from her actions seemed to be much greater and more significant than the mistakes she had made there.

"You showed every biotic kid out there that they should be proud of what they are," Kyle said.

"And, you proved wrong everyone who is prejudiced against us," Mitra said.

The whole conversation was bordering on hero worship and it was starting to make her feel uncomfortable. Anderson was coming towards her, so she had the perfect excuse to end it. "All right, I… I'll keep that in mind. Thank you, Lieutenant Mitra, Major Kyle. It seems my CO wants to talk to me, so I'd better go. Good luck to you."

They all exchanged formal salutes and she went to meet Anderson halfway.

"Is there a place for another Lieutenant on your ship, sir?" she asked him, trying to pretend she wasn't at the same time anxious and terrified to hear his answer.

"You won't be coming back to the New Delhi, Shepard."

She swallowed hard around the lump that instantly formed in her throat. "May I ask you why, sir?" Did he blame her for Franco's death? Or, for Santiago getting hurt? Maybe he knew about the red sand…

"I saw that vid of you on Elysium."

Of course. Everyone had. "Things weren't exactly like that, sir."

"They never are. I'm sure plenty of details were left out for the sake of a… more captivating story."

She couldn't read him. His face was expressionless, but she had a feeling this conversation could only go badly.

"As your CO," he continued, "I asked Doctor Malik of the Agincourt for a full report on your status after you were rescued."

All the blood drained from her face and she had to take a deep breath to be able to keep it together. God, she was all kinds of fucked right now.

"Lieutenant, you're a good soldier and a talented biotic, but I wasn't sure if you were N-School material."

 _What?_  Where was he going with this?

"Well, if anything, this episode has proved you are. To be honest, I'd been thinking about this even before Elysium, but I wasn't convinced you had what it takes to become an N7."

She cleared her throat, afraid that her voice would come out too rough, given how nervous she was. "And what would that be, sir?"

"There's a reason why we're the Alliance top operatives, Shepard. Failure is not an option. Being an N is about getting the job done, every time, using whatever means necessary. We get the assignments the others say are impossible. When someone messes up a mission, we clean it up. When something has to be done off the records… well, that falls to us, too." He eyed her intently, gauging her reaction to that piece of information he'd just given her.

She still hadn't made up her mind about it, but she nodded once in acknowledgment. "I see."

"I've recommended you to join the Ns. If you accept, training will start in two weeks. I'll send the details to your tool. But, no matter what your decision is, you'll have to communicate it formally to Major Nascimento. He is in charge of the Vila Militar in Rio and he'll get in touch with you in the next few days."

That was most unexpected. The Ns were the best of the best. Hell, Anderson was an N. Was she worthy of that title? Could she even make it to N7?

* * *

"Hey," Kaidan said when she answered his vid-call. "The Star of Terra, huh? I saw it on ANN."

"Yeah." Her tone carried no excitement and she lowered her eyes.

"You deserve it, Shepard."

"You know it wasn't like in that vid, Kaidan. It was nothing like they're thinking it was…"

"I know, and I still think you deserve it."

She met his eyes, giving him a small, sort of sad smile. "Thank you."

"I wish I'd been there with you today."

"You do? You're not angry?"

"No, I… I was upset, but… you're pretty hard to step away from, Shepard. When I said you were it for me, I wasn't lying. Maybe, if you're willing, we could work on your sharing skills together. How does that sound?"

That seemed to cheer her up a bit and she relaxed visibly. "I guess I could use someone to talk to about Elysium."

"Not just about Elysium, Shepard. You can talk to me about anything." He gave her an expectant look and she closed up again.

"You don't mean  _now_ , do you?"

 _Seriously?_  He opened his mouth to voice his frustration with her, but then thought better of it and pursed his lips instead. Starting a fight now wouldn't do them any good. "It can wait until we meet in person, if you prefer."

"I do." However, despite all the reassurances he had given her, she was still afraid the truth would push them apart. There were quite a few things she had done on Elysium that were wrong and unethical and that she was not proud of; ironic, how those seemed to be exactly what had made Anderson choose to recommend her for N-School. "But, I don't know when we'll able to meet again."

"It probably won't be too long. Doctor Malik suggested I take up a medic specialization and Captain Fayad thought it was a good idea. Training starts on June 3rd, on Arcturus, so I should be back there by the end of the month."

"Medic, huh? I never thought that would be your first choice."

"Me neither, to be honest. But, ever since…" The corners of his mouth turned down slightly and his eyes dropped as he remembered that horrible feeling of helplessness that had hit him when he had found her hurt on Elysium. He never wanted to go through that again.

"I know." Thankfully, she saved him from having to say it. Even though it was for different reasons, that subject wasn't easy for either of them.

"When does the New Delhi leave? Maybe I can still catch you there."

"Hmm… I probably won't be leaving with them."

Her vague answer made his eyebrows furrow in concern. "Why? Did something happen?"

"Sort of. Anderson recommended me for N-School."

The worry lines were replaced by a wide grin breaking across his face. "Shepard, that's amazing!"

She didn't look so excited about it, though. The reason she had joined the Alliance had been to save people, to use her biotics for good things, but Elysium had brought out the worst in her. The body count she had left behind was appalling. In all her assignments before the Blitz, she had always avoided killing anyone. This time, she hadn't shown her enemies any mercy. She hadn't been just killing them; she had torn them apart and destroyed them. "Are you sure? I can't decide."

"Yeah. You have to go. You can't miss out on an opportunity like this," he said.

Her eyes wandered off, unfocused. The more she thought about it, the more it seemed that the ruthlessness she had shown on Elysium was the reason she had landed that N-School recommendation.

She wasn't sure if being with the Ns was where she wanted to be, but apparently it was where she belonged.

"This is the fastest way to having your own command. If you complete training and get your N designation, then you'll be in charge for all your next assignments until you make it to N7. Imagine the good you can do. Isn't that what you always wanted? Isn't that why you joined the service in the first place?"

Well, maybe he had a point there. His way of looking at it was more positive at least.


	31. Interplanetary Combatives Training

May 20th, 2176

0200 hrs

Heat. That was what everyone had told her to expect from Brazil. Instead, it was the middle of the night and it was raining heavily when the Alliance cruiser she was coming in on with the other N-recruits docked at the HQ in Rio de Janeiro. From there, a bus took them to the Vila Militar, where they would be staying and training.

Shepard couldn't help but notice she was the only woman among the twenty-five new recruits. They were all looking at her as if they recognized her from somewhere, and they probably did; everyone had seen Emily's vid about the Blitz. The adept wondered what they were thinking about her; if they thought her a fraud or a hero.

When they got to  _The Villa_ , Major Nascimento came over while they were still retrieving their duffel bags from the luggage compartment and they all stopped what they were doing and snapped to attention.

There were four other soldiers in formation behind the major, all wearing the famous black uniform with a red stripe on the right shoulder and the N7 insignia embroidered on the chest.

"Welcome to the Interplanetary Combatives Academy," Nascimento spoke. "I can already tell that you're the worst group of recruits to ever set foot here."

"You will fail," the other four N7s yelled in unison at the top of their lungs.

For the recruits, it definitely felt like they had failed already; all disheveled and dripping wet, trying to find their duffel bags in the dark while the N7s were sheltered from the rain, standing in formation, with impeccable posture and neat uniforms.

"Staff Lieutenant Matthews will take you to the barracks and show you your assigned bunks. If I find any of you looking like this in the morning, you'll be thrown out of here so fast you won't even have time to say N7," the major warned them.

0600 hrs

"Your rank means nothing here. Here, you're all recruits and hold no authority over each other unless I say otherwise. Understood?"

"Yes, sir."

The N-recruits hadn't even had breakfast yet and Major Nascimento and the other N7s were already yelling at them.

"No names either. Lieutenant Commander Borges will give each of you a number and he'll only say it once. You better not forget what yours is because, when we call it, we expect you to answer right away."

"Morello, one. Shepard, two. Jackson, three. Patel, four," the commander started reading the list with each recruit's assigned number.

"What do the numbers mean, sir?" Morello asked once Borges was done, a smug look on his face for being One.

"It's the order in which you'll give up and run back to your mommies. You're One, recruit, because even the farm girl," Nascimento pointed at Shepard, "will last longer here than you. We can read between the lines of a service record, and yours has got 'coward' written all over it."

"You will fail," the N7s yelled, staring at Morello.

"Our academy is no place for cowards, One," Commander Borges said. "We only want the best soldiers here, and you're not it."

"Infiltrators usually work alone, but not you, isn't that right, One?" the major asked.

Without giving Morello a chance to reply, Borges continued. "Why would an infiltrator of your caliber need to send a unit ahead of him as a distraction on every single assignment, even on the most simple ones?"

"You've lost more men to hostile action than everyone here combined, sending rookies fresh out of Basic to do an infiltrator's work. Your work," Nascimento said, shoving an accusatory finger in the man's chest.

"Major, how about we take a moment of silence for all the good soldiers that died for this coward?" the lieutenant suggested.

"Excellent idea, Matthews. Let's do it."

Morello blanched and did not argue. None of the recruits spoke another word about the numbers, even long after the moment of silence had been over.

* * *

May 21st, 2176

The first thing Shepard noticed when she woke up was that Morello was gone. Day one at the Vila Militar hadn't been easy for anyone. They had gotten only a couple of hours of sleep at night and, as if to test their resolve, the DIs had had them doing chin-ups and pull-ups, plus running, swimming, and climbing all day long.

Morello had had it even worse. There had been N7s around him all the time, circling him and yelling at him to quit.

And, since they had succeeded, Shepard feared that today she might be the one on the spot. She needed to steel herself and be prepared to take it. Either quitting or failing N-School wasn't an option; Kaidan, Commander Alenko, and her CO believed in her and she wasn't going to disappoint them.

At breakfast, she rushed ahead of the others and asked for permission to take the seat across from Major Nascimento. Despite the completely uninterested look on his face when he glanced at her, he allowed her. Maybe, he would be willing to talk and give her something that would help her stay. She had to at least try.

"If I may ask, sir, why am I Two?"

"You won't even make it to N; we can tell," Borges replied when the major just sighed tiredly over his plate. "Girls never do. Now, don't get me wrong; we've seen plenty of women succeed here. But a farm girl like yourself, barely out of her teens," he snorted, "this is not the place for you, Two. You can just quit now and save everyone the trouble."

"With all due respect, sir, I disagree."

The major stared her down, a look of disdain on his face. "I don't like you, Two. If not for the Blitz, you wouldn't be here. It was just dumb luck; a matter of being at the right place at the right time. Regardless of what was said on the news about you, that was not a single person job. I wonder how many necks you stepped on to get all the glory for yourself…"

Shepard swallowed hard, grimacing. The major noticed her reaction and took it as a confirmation that he had guessed right. Shaking his head, he muttered an aside to Borges in some other language; Portuguese, most likely.

"However," Nascimento cleared his throat, his eyes falling on her again, "Anderson is a smart man and a seasoned soldier. I know him well enough to know he wouldn't fall for that tale. If he recommended you to our academy, there's probably more to you than that. Let's see if you last here long enough to prove your worth."

It sounded like a challenge; one that she immediately took up on.

* * *

June 17th, 2176

Halfway into their training and Three, Four, Five, Eight, Ten, Eleven, Thirteen, Eighteen, and Twenty-one had already given up. Not Two, though. Shepard was still hanging in there and determined not to quit. The only way she would leave the academy without her N designation was if they kicked her out. And, by now, she knew that, despite Nascimento's constant threats to throw them out of there, he had never actually done it to anyone. He would rather gather the other N7s and bully and intimidate the recruits who were giving unsatisfactory performances until they gave up and quit the program themselves.

All N-recruits were already good shooters and fighters. They all knew about combat strategies and they were all in great shape. The major didn't care about that. He didn't care about the things they were already good at. If they weren't willing to push themselves to go further, to do more and perform better in each and every drill, then Nascimento didn't want them there. For him, it didn't matter that Shepard was a bastion adept. To be worthy of the Alliance special forces, she would have to be as good with a sniper rifle as an infiltrator and as good in hand-to-hand as a fucking pro-wrestler.

She had caught on to that early on and, even though, in the first week, she had often been a target of their bullying, she knew they hadn't really wanted for her to quit; they had wanted to make sure she was committed to the academy and to becoming the best soldier she could be.

* * *

July 12th, 2176

Graduation day was a relief. In the past two months, the former recruits, and now N operatives, hadn't been given a single day of rest. There had been days when they had been woken in the middle of the night for a drill, and more than once they had had a mission simulation last for three or four days straight in which they practically hadn't been able to catch any sleep.

Now, the nine of them that had persevered and seen this training through to the end would have a couple of days of leave until shipping off for their first N-level assignment.

After shower and breakfast, Shepard found in her locker her new black and red N gear, which included a PT uniform, a service uniform, and armor. She felt her chest swell with pride and made a mental note to later send Anderson a thank-you message and a picture of herself in the N uniform.

The graduation ceremony was very brief, shared with several other operatives that were getting different N-designations, from 2 to 7. One of them was being highly praised for having reached N7 faster than any other operative ever, and also for being the youngest soldier in the history of the academy to get to the final designation.

Shepard caught herself checking him out several times. She couldn't help it; he was incredibly handsome and exuded confidence. Once the ceremony was over, he walked out of the parade deck as if he owned the academy. The other soldiers immediately flocked to him. Everyone wanted to congratulate and talk to this guy. His achievements sure were impressive and the way he held himself showed he was aware of that.

" _Otário_ ," someone murmured by her side.

She turned to the man, an eyebrow shooting up. He was wearing the black uniform with the red stripe on the shoulder, and she recognized him as one of the guys that had just received a new N designation at the ceremony today.

"That's Portuguese for 'asshole'. But, don't worry; it was meant for Leng there." He nodded at the N7.

"I see."

"We went through N-training together. Since you're not fangirling, I thought this was a safe environment for me to express my honest opinion of him. Hope I'm not mistaken..."

To be fair, Major Nascimento wasn't looking like he approved of all that fuss over Kai Leng either.

"Second Lieutenant Jane Shepard," she introduced herself to him as an answer.

"First Lieutenant Caetano Correa.  _N4_ ," he stated his designation bitterly.

"Sounds like you're jealous, Lieutenant," Shepard teased him.

" _Por favor_ , call me Caetano."

"Sounds like you're jealous,  _Caetano_."

He scoffed. "Fine, go to him, then."

"Nah, I'm good."

Her reply made him smile and encouraged him to elaborate a little bit more. "Leng is insufferable. He thinks he's better than everyone else."

"Well…" Shepard thought of all the praise Kai Leng had received earlier today, "…from what I heard, it seems like he is."

"Whatever. Enough about this prick. Do you have any plans for tonight?"

"Not really. I wouldn't even know where to go, to be honest." Since she had arrived in Rio, Shepard had never left The Villa.

"Tsk. Tsk. You recruits never have any fun." Caetano shook his head. "Why don't you meet me at the gates at 2200? Tell your friends to come, too, and I'll take you to the hottest club in the city. Most of the Ns go there after these ceremonies. It's kind of a tradition."

"Hm… I'll tell them, but I'm not sure if I'll come." Nightclubs weren't really her thing. Although, a celebration tonight wouldn't exactly be a bad idea.

"Oh, but you should come. You'll thank me later. Now that you're in the special forces, you'll see that free nights are as rare as they come. And, most of the time, you'll be so exhausted, you'll want to do nothing but sleep. And, the other times, you'll probably be too injured to be able to walk, so…"

Shepard laughed at his drama and rolled her eyes playfully. "Okay. Fine. You've convinced me. I'm going"

"See you later then." The N4 winked at her.

* * *

The club was crowded, full of beautiful, well-dressed people. Shepard felt out of place in her dark jeans and gray tee; an attire way too similar to that of her male soldier friends. But, it was not like she owned anything sexy and trendy.

She danced just like the guys, too. Worse, even, considering how Caetano and Jérôme were now practically dictating all the moves on the dance floor with the crowd enthusiastically following their lead. At least her friends Becker and Fontaine were as stiff and awkward as she was.

Still, she would probably feel more comfortable having a drink on her own at the bar, so she headed there.

After managing to claim a stool for herself, she ordered a beer. It was a local brand, and, the instant she tasted it, she thought of Kaidan and how he wouldn't like it. Too light and watery. It was not to her tastes either. Maybe she had caught that from him.

They had never gone to a club together, not that she was complaining. The extremely loud noise wouldn't do any good for someone with a migraine problem. Hell, it was annoying even for her, and she wasn't one to have headaches or anything like that.

Earlier today, Kaidan had called her and they had talked, but she was already feeling like talking to him again. If not for the late hour, she would've gone outside and made the call. But, since all Alliance ships and space stations followed the London HQ time, it would be past 0200 in the Agincourt now.

"Jane Shepard, right?" A sultry voice resonated over her shoulder, cutting through her thoughts. "The hero of Elysium?"

She could feel his breath too close to her ear for comfort and she could even smell the alcohol in it. Hopefully, it was just for the sake of being heard over the loud music that this drunk was invading her personal space like that; otherwise, he would be going home with a broken nose.

Taking a long swig of her beer, Shepard turned to him, ready to lie through her teeth and say that he was mistaking her for someone else, when she realized who he was.

"Kai Leng," he introduced himself, offering her his hand for a handshake before she could salute him. "No ranks tonight."

There was this cocky quality to his smile that made it very aggravating, despite the elegance of his features.

"How about we have a drink together?" Without even waiting for her answer, he ordered them two 'Sex on the Beach'.

If he was trying to convey any sort of message with that odd choice, he was being very presumptuous and was about to become very disappointed.

She couldn't help rolling her eyes when the ridiculously colorful drinks arrived in tall glasses and he kept missing the straw amidst all the decorations on the rim. There was even a fucking natural flower between the strawberry, slices of lemon, and a yellow umbrella.

"Shepard, we're the two most interesting people in this place. How about we get out here and find somewhere more private where we can… talk and get to know each other better?"

She hadn't said a word yet, and the guy had already invaded her personal space, breathed in her ear, dismissed military protocol, and chosen a stupid sugary drink for her without even asking what she wanted. She would rather drink the watery beer. Alone.

"Is this your idea of a joke?" With so many gorgeous women in that club, was it really her that he wanted to sleep with? That couldn't be right.

"Look at me. I could have a beautiful woman in my arms any time I want. But, it's not every day that I get the chance to be with a hero for humanity, Shepard. They say no other human has ever killed as many aliens as you have."

 _Ah, the weird things that turn people on._ "I'd rather not talk about the Blitz." What horrible statistic was that anyway? She hoped it wasn't true. During the attack on Elysium, she had been completely out of her mind, and she wasn't proud of most things she had done there.

"And I bet it's not every day either that you get the chance to be with an N7."

Shepard almost choked on the beer she had ordered after having slid her practically untouched drink over to Leng. He had already finished his and unceremoniously moved on to hers.

"Yeah, I think I'm going to leave now." As she got up from her stool, he grabbed her arm to stop her retreat. The guy was getting on her nerves and, with her patience at its limit, she spun on her heels to tell him to fuck off.

"I could always  _command_  you to come with me, 2nd Lieutenant." He spoke first and wiggled his eyebrows at her, which only made that whole conversation even weirder and more wrong.

She didn't think twice before connecting her fist to his face and messing up the perfect lines of his nose.

* * *

July 19th, 2176

Shepard left the brig at The Villa to go straight to the briefing for her first N-level assignment. If she successfully completed it, she would be granted the N2 designation. Right now, she was already behind schedule, since assaulting a superior officer had gotten her stuck in a cell for a week. Her punishment would've been worse if Lieutenant Correa hadn't interfered in her favor. She had become his hero for breaking Kai Leng's nose, and he had stopped by to see her every day until shipping off for his N5 assignment.

The fact that Major Nascimento wasn't a big fan of Leng definitely helped her case, too; even if he didn't like  _her_  that much either. To her surprise and joy, the major had even given Leng a dressing down in front of everyone for letting himself be caught drunk and off guard and for not being able to defend himself from a newbie like her.

Having lost her cool, however, and punching the N7 was something she regretted. She should've just walked away. Now, she would have that in her file and, had the circumstances been just a little different, this could've ruined her career.

Definitely ruined were her plans of meeting Kaidan before going on her first assignment. They hadn't even talked this last week, since detainees weren't allowed to keep their omni-tools in the brig. Maybe, once she completed this mission, they could try to set something up again.

And, since she was going to ship out on Monday, Shepard went to talk to the Requisitions Officer of the Vila Militar, Isabella Barone, and get the equipment she would need.

"Lieutenant Jane Shepard? You're the one who punched Leng!"

Who knew, huh? This might make her more famous than the Blitz.

"Asshole kept bugging me to find him a katana. Can you believe it? I'm not some fucking antique dealer. Where would he even use that? He can't be stupid enough to bring a sword to a gun fight now, can he?" Isabella shook her head in disapproval.

"Not the best time to ask you for nunchakus, then?" Shepard replied sarcastically.

The Requisitions Officer narrowed her eyes at the marine. "Please, tell me you're not serious."

"Nope," the N replied with a smile. "What I want is that new Warrior IV; Armax Arsenal has just released it. Do you think you can get me that? I heard the Alliance signed a technology cooperation treaty with the turians, so I hope getting one won't be too much trouble…"

"No trouble at all. Give me a day and you'll have your turian pistol. She's a thing of beauty; you're going to love her. Anything else?"

Shepard ended up spending the budget she'd been given for weapons and equipment to the last credit. Being able to choose whatever guns she wanted to use was very exciting. Her first mission as head of a team hadn't even started yet and she was already enjoying the perks of being in charge.

"Oh, we have a shipment of the new Arashi II rifles coming in today. How about you meet me at the shooting range later and we test it?"

The marine sure could use some target practice to blow off steam, especially after a week in lock-up. "Sounds good."

* * *

September 14th, 2176

"Is something wrong, son? I know this isn't how you were planning to spend your leave, but–"

"Ma, it's fine. I like it here." And he really did. His parents were doing a great job with that land. Animals, fruits, flowers… the orchard was looking incredibly alive and colorful. He wished Shepard was there to see it.

They were supposed to meet on Arcturus and come to Vancouver together for the Alenkos' 30th anniversary, but there had been some complication during her N3 assignment and she was still caught up in it. It was all classified, of course, so he didn't even know on which planet she was. The last time she had answered a vid-call from him had been a week ago, and she had had a split lip. It had looked bad, still red and swollen. And, every time she had tried to smile, a pained wince had followed. After that, they had exchanged a few text messages that had consisted mostly of her reassuring him that she was fine. Then, for the past three days, she had gone completely silent. He hated not knowing if that was because she was busy on her mission, or because she was hurt, or worse.

"How did you and Pa do this?" He didn't have to say it; his mother would know what he was talking about. The way she had been fussing around him ever since he had showed up there alone was proof enough that she did know what was upsetting him.

"It can get very lonely some times. And, your father missed a lot while you were growing up. But he was never in the special forces and I was always home waiting for him. So, I guess it was a little bit easier for us."

"The last time we were together was five months ago."  _And I got upset over her keeping secrets from me and left her to sleep alone. Damn it!_

Barbra put a comforting hand on his shoulder and gave him a sympathetic smile. "Maybe… the time is just not right for you two…"

* * *

September 18th, 2176

Lisa reread Barbra Alenko's message for the thousandth time.

_Sometimes, you meet the right person in the wrong moment and you have to let them go. But, if it's meant to be, they'll find their way back to you._

There was a lot more to it than those two sentences, but those had really hit home. Lisa hadn't been able to attend her foster parents' 30th anniversary, she hadn't answered Barbra's calls in ages, and she hadn't had time for her boyfriend or her friends in the past few months. Having a personal life and being in the special forces just didn't go together. She couldn't even reveal to Kaidan where she was or had been. Everything about her missions was classified and way above his clearance level.

More than ever, the sentinel and the adept had their careers to worry about. Kaidan was trying to make it to officer and Shepard was trying to make it to N7. They were both proud to be marines and to be part of the Alliance. They believed in the work they were doing and in what they were fighting for and they would give this nothing less than full commitment.

Which meant that their relationship had become secondary at best.

Shepard would be able to catch a little break between her N3 and her N4 assignments. But, it would be only for a couple of days, in which she would receive her new designation and get briefed on her next mission. And, since Kaidan was still serving on the SSV Agincourt and traveling around the galaxy to destinations he had no control over, they wouldn't be able to meet. So, she decided to spend those days getting to know Rio better and working on her suntan.

The feeling of the sun on her skin was something she had missed badly; a small pleasure she hadn't enjoyed ever since the attack on Mindoir because she had gotten too self-conscious about her scarred body. Now, she couldn't give two shits about what people would think and had gone bikini shopping with Isabella the first chance she had gotten.

She just wished she would have had a chance to show off her golden skin to her boyfriend, but she knew that keeping up the hope of seeing him any time soon wouldn't do her any good. Creating any expectations about their relationship in this moment of their lives would only bring them both more frustration.

Maybe Barbra was right. This was not the moment for them.


	32. The Right Thing

December 31st, 2176

They had last seen each other in April and, this New Year's Eve, he was convinced she wouldn't show. They hadn't talked in days. Her current assignment had her working undercover in some undisclosed location.

Yet, just before midnight, there she was, walking along the shore on Ambleside Beach, weary eyes searching for him amidst the crowd. Her stride was slower than usual and her back was hunched. Not much, but enough for him to notice and worry that there might be something wrong.

He created a small field of dark energy in his palm, letting it shine for a few seconds before extinguishing it. It was just enough to get her attention. Their gazes met and, though their eyes lit up, their smiles were small and sad. It already felt like they were saying goodbye, despite not even having said  _hi_  yet.

Who knew when they would be able to meet again? In another eight months? Longer?

The way it was, their relationship wasn't really working, and he knew she would want to talk about it. They had been dancing around this subject for months, and now that they were finally meeting in person again, they would have to address it.

But, before she could say anything, he captured her lips with his and put everything he had into the kiss, trying, in one action, to make up for eight months of longing and to convince her that they could make this work, even if he wasn't entirely sure they could.

His arms wrapped tightly around her and she stiffened, a pained hiss escaping her lips before she continued on, acting as if nothing had happened. Not ready to let go of her yet, he let her think she had fooled him and deepened the kiss instead of breaking it to confront her. His grasp on her loosened, though; he didn't want to cause her any more discomfort. Delicately, he ran one hand up and down her side as the other went to the back of her neck. His fingers trailed over her headjack, making her shiver and igniting a wave of dark energy that passed on to him before fading away.

With their foreheads touching, they took a moment to breathe.

"Hey, Kaidan," she whispered.

"Hey, Shepard." He searched for her lips again, but this time she pulled back.

She opened her mouth to say something, but then seemed to think better of it and closed it again. The hesitation was probably not a good sign.

"How have you been?" The question that she had settled for was further proof that she didn't know how to even start this conversation and was stalling.

If he answered her question truthfully, it would only make her feel badly and that would be unfair to her. He had been missing her; he had been feeling lonely and either worried sick about her or upset that their plans to meet never worked out. But, she probably knew all that already. She wasn't really asking him and he wasn't going to actually say it. Only, he didn't want to lie to her either, so he just looked down, giving her a chance to gather her thoughts and try again.

And she did. "I… I don't know how to say this. I… we… we need to talk."

He knew what was coming. The last couple of times she had called or texted him, she had said things like,  _'I want you to be happy'; 'I don't want to hurt you'; 'You deserve better than this'_.

It was all bullshit; he didn't want to hear any of that anymore. "Shepard –"

"I can't even answer your calls; I can never tell you where I am and now we don't even meet anymore. This is not fair to you."

"Shepard, please…"

"And it's not fair to me either." She sighed sadly. "This, us… it's not working. Not like this."

* * *

Lisa had known this wasn't going to be easy, but 'hard' didn't even begin to cover it. However, no matter how difficult it was to break things off with the man she loved, it didn't change the fact that right now it was the right thing to do. She had given it a lot of thought. God knew how many lonely nights she had spent in the last eight months and how bad it had been. She couldn't keep doing this to him. To them. She had to let him find happiness somewhere else. With her, all there was to come was more worries, absence, and loneliness for both of them. It would be selfish to keep him stuck in this poor excuse for a relationship. And she wasn't selfish. It was because she loved him that she had to let him go. It was for his own good and she believed that, deep down, he knew it.

"You deserve better than someone who never has any time for you. I don't even have time for myself," Lisa told him.

"Don't do this. Please." His voice was thick with sorrow, and she looked away from him, her eyes filled with tears.

It still was the right thing to do; she wouldn't let him change her mind. She hated that, on the weekend of his parents' anniversary, his mother had noticed how miserable he had been. The message Barbra had sent her was proof enough. The woman was, not without reason, worried about her son's well-being and Lisa had felt responsible for him being so sad and lonely. Which, in turn, had made her feel like shit. This couldn't go on; it wasn't healthy.

"Kaidan, I have to go. I shouldn't even be here tonight. If Major Nascimento finds out I'm on Earth when I shouldn't even be in the Sol System…" But, she couldn't have broken up with him through a call or a text message; she had had to do this in person, no matter how complicated it had been to arrange this encounter. She had even come to Vancouver in a commercial shuttle so there was less of a chance the major would find out she wasn't where she was supposed to be.

Also, Caetano was covering for her. Well, actually now it was Lieutenant Commander Caetano Correa. He had been promoted after getting his N5 designation and after Kai Leng had been dishonorably discharged and sent to jail for the murder of a krogan. Major Nascimento needed a high-level N operative to take over what would have been Leng's next assignment. Caetano was available and fit the requirements, so he got the job and recruited Shepard for his team.

Their mission was to track down and recover a large shipment of military-grade weapons that had been stolen. They also had to find out who was behind the theft, take them down, and dismantle their network. There was nothing simple, quick, or easy about this job, but Shepard was happy to be part of it even if it would delay her progress to N7. Caetano had spoken in her defense when she had punched Kai Leng, saving her career from taking a serious blow. She owed him this.

And now, he had allowed her to take three days of leave so she could be in Vancouver tonight. He hadn't even asked why she needed this time off, even though they had a mission to complete and had just had a major setback two days ago when their cover had been blown.

This was exactly why having a personal life didn't go well with being in the special forces. The mission should always be her top priority but, instead, she had left her CO and her team to attend to a private matter. She had to sort this out now and never let this kind of thing happen again.

"It's best this way. Trust me," she spoke, uncertain if she should hug or kiss him goodbye. She wanted to, but maybe it wouldn't be welcome.

The fireworks started and there were cheers all across the waterfront. The tears got too heavy for her to keep holding them back and she made one last effort to hide them by pressing her fingers to her eyes.

"Why do this, Shepard? I can't believe this is what you really want. I love you." He sounded upset and even angry, having to raise his voice to make himself heard over the noise on the beach.

"I can't commit myself to you, Kaidan. I can't even commit to breakfast tomorrow, because something might come up. And I need to be focused on the mission; I can't have any distractions, because–"

"You're bleeding," he interrupted her, pointing at the dark red stain that was forming on the waist of her jeans.

"– because things like this happen," she finished, sucking in a deep breath.

"What happened? Why are you bleeding?"

"Someone took a shot at me," she said, pretending she wasn't in pain and trying not to groan as she put her hand on her injured side and applied some pressure. "Well, not me exactly. It's a long story."

"I thought you were undercover."

"I was… until I wasn't anymore."

"Where's the wound? Let me see it."

Grudgingly, she lifted the hem of her hoodie along with her tee. The dressing on her injury was completely soaked in blood.

"How long since you last changed these bandages?"

"I didn't." By the look on his face, she could tell he was about to scold her. "I was going to do it during the ride back to…" She stopped talking, pursing her lips before she revealed more than she was allowed to.

"When did this happen?"

"I don't know. Fucking planet with days that last thirty-two hours messed with my head. Yesterday, maybe?"

"What the hell, Shepard. Why didn't you say anything? Please don't tell me there's a bullet in there."

"There isn't. It just grazed me. Look, I should go. I'll take care of it once I get in the shuttle. My duffle bag is in a locker at the spaceport and I've got a first-aid kit in there."

Blood continued to seep from the bandages and he grasped her wrist, making her look at him. "Lisa, listen to me. This wound is still open. We need to clean, close, and redress it. I can take care of it. You don't have to go to a hospital or anything. Just let me take care of it, okay? Then, you can leave. I won't stop you. I won't say another word. We… we'll be done, if that's what you want."

He was right and she knew it. That wound needed to be closed; it shouldn't be bleeding anymore. She had thought gauze and tape would do, but clearly she had been wrong. "Do you think you can do it in the restroom at the spaceport?"

If the disapproving look on his face and the impatient huff he let out were any indication, his answer was  _no_.

* * *

Sitting on top of the counter in the bathroom was not ideal, but she didn't want to make a mess on the fancy bed. Kaidan had booked this really nice hotel room on the off-chance that she would make it to Vancouver tonight and they would spend a romantic night together. He probably wasn't expecting that, instead, he would be tending to a bullet wound on his now ex-girlfriend. They could have gone to his parents, but Shepard didn't want to worry them by arriving there at such a late hour, bleeding and teary-eyed.

Her gaze was fixed on a random tile on the wall as she focused on her breathing, trying not to move and disturb him while he cleaned the injury. His movements were carefully controlled so he wouldn't touch her any more than absolutely necessary and his eyes never wandered from the graze on her side, right above her hipbone, despite the fact that she was only in her bra and that her jeans were open and the waist lowered to give him more room to work.

"This would be a lot of faster if you weren't avoiding touching me at all costs, you know." She appreciated his meticulousness and consideration, but cleaning was the most painful part and she just wanted it to be over as soon as possible.

His jaw clenched and he stilled in the middle of what he was doing. "It's best this way." He sounded so frustrated, she regretted having said anything.

After that, the silence between them turned deafening; the tension in the room, palpable. She considered all the things she could say to make things less awkward. It had taken her so long to break the ice with him and for them to grow closer; she didn't want to revert back to six years ago when he could barely stand being in the same room with her.

"There was another marine working undercover with me." She decided that opening up with him a little more and telling him something he didn't know might help. "I don't know how, but they found out about him; that he was Alliance. He was going to be executed right there in the middle of their compound. There was no time; it all happened too fast and I couldn't find a way to stop it without blowing my cover, too."

He finally looked up at her again, seeming more concerned than upset now. It was a step in the right direction and she reflected on what more she could reveal of the mission without breaching protocol and breaking regs.

"After that, all hell broke loose. Fuckers were using some heavily modded shit, including armor-piercing rounds. It's illegal, but I guess you can't expect weapons thieves and smugglers to observe the law…"

"How did you get out?"

"The rest of the team was nearby, listening in. They came for us."

"Did everyone make it?"

"Two were injured, but yeah."

"Three," he corrected, knowing she hadn't counted herself among the wounded.

She couldn't help flashing him her crooked smile; he knew her too well. When he smiled back, her chest didn't feel so tight anymore. The tension in the air was finally dissipating.

"What is this?" she asked as he applied a mysterious slick substance to the graze. It was cooling and numbing and immediately made her feel better.

"Medi-gel."

Shepard had heard of it. Other species, like turian and asari, had been using it for years, but each had their own race-specific formula and medi-gel for humans was still a novelty. It was already showing great results, but it wasn't being used in the field yet.

"In the next six months, the medbay of every Alliance ship will be fitted with a medi-gel dispenser. And, starting next year, the Alliance will only use armor with a built-in medi-gel distribution system. I heard the N operatives will be the first to get it." He finished applying it, closed the tube and handed it to her as he stood upright, facing her.

She turned it around in her hands, examining it. All that he had said was news to her. This was the first time she was actually seeing a tube of medi-gel. "How come you just happen to have it?"

"I… I got it for you," he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck.

"You got it from where? They don't sell this in drugstores." Her eyes widened and her lips curled in a roguish grin. "Wait. Kaidan Alenko, did you steal this tube of medi-gel?"

"Well, uh, we were learning how to work with it during medic specialization training and this one tube remained intact after class. Everyone left and…"

He was looking more and more flustered and she wanted to put him out of his misery, so she set the tube aside and took his left hand in hers. "Thank you," she said, "for everything."

"We had talked a few days before and you had a split lip, so… yeah, I thought you could use it, you know, in case you got hurt again." He lightly brushed her lower lip with his thumb as if to reassure himself it was healed.

Her breath caught in her throat and she broke eye contact before the moment turned into something more. His touch was incredibly light, but it still felt like he was burning a mark on her skin. The way his finger lingered against her lip was torture. If he kept doing things like that, she didn't think she would be able to keep things from escalating.

"Kaidan…" It sounded dangerously like a moan. That was not what she was going for.

He traced her jaw, encouraged by her reaction and she closed her eyes at his tender touch. Before she could stop herself, her legs opened and he took a step forward to settle between them.

"Stay," he whispered, "please."

It made her shiver to feel him so close. Their biotics responded immediately, their fields of dark energy connecting every spot on their bodies. It was all down hill from there. She never tried to stop it as his lips crashed against hers.

Theirs tongues tangled as her thighs encircled him and tightened around his hips, and eager hands started working on getting rid of the remaining pieces of clothing between them. He lifted her up in his arms and carried her to the bed, always mindful of the injury on her side.

When he entered her it felt inevitable. She could never have resisted him, because, to begin with, she had never wanted to. The minute she had agreed to leave the beach with him, she had known there was a good chance that this was where they would end up. In the morning, she would still leave and he would be heartbroken, but he would understand. He had understood already, because he had stopped trying to convince her otherwise over an hour ago. It wasn't to make her stay that he had given in to her tonight. With the lives they were living, they had to take every chance they got to be with someone they loved, because it might be the last one. And they loved each other. The last eight months of loneliness proved how rare and precious opportunities like this had become for them.

It turned out to be the perfect goodbye, one they wouldn't forget, because, despite being sad, it was also a little bit hopeful. They parted ways with kisses, sex and love, and not with tears, fighting, and anger.

* * *

January 1st, 2177

Kaidan knew she wouldn't be there when he opened his eyes. Her side of the bed wouldn't probably even be warm anymore. Shepard was always the early bird and she would never wake him up, no matter how much he insisted.

He sat up on the bed and rubbed at his eyes, refusing to look over at her side. He had had only one beer as he had waited for her on the beach last night, but he was still feeling like he had a hangover. As he was dragging himself out of bed, he caught a glimpse of gold in the corner of his eye.

The way her name necklace was carefully laid out on the pillow showed that she had left it behind on purpose. With a wistful smile, he picked it up and ran his thumb over the letters. She had left him no message, no note asking him to keep it safe or anything. A whole part of her life, one of the only possessions she had from her childhood, and she had left it in his care.

Not that he needed any notes from her to know what her gesture meant. She was going on to be Jane Shepard, but  _Lisa Mae_  was staying with him. One day, she would find out how to be both; she would realize that it took both for her to be whole. And then she would come back for that necklace. Maybe, to him, too.

Like his mother had said, now might not be the time for them, but that didn't mean they were done.

* * *

February 24th, 2177

Shepard got the datapad with the information on her next assignment, but didn't read past the second line, where her target was stated, before sucking in a deep breath. She closed her eyes for a moment as she tried to bury all her feelings on the matter and keep a neutral expression on her face.

"Is there a problem, lieutenant?" Major Nascimento, impatient and observant as ever, asked her and the hint of hostility in his tone did not go unnoticed.

Shepard cleared her throat and met his perpetually disapproving gaze. "A gang, sir?"

"I'm assuming you've heard of them, since you couldn't be bothered to actually read the whole file."

"With all due respect, sir, but isn't this a matter for the local police force?"

"The Tenth Street Reds are not some group of junkie teenage vandals."

Shepard swallowed and, after a long blink, she faced him again. "Sir–"

"Let me put this in a way you'll understand,  _lieutenant_ ," he stressed her rank, his tone dripping with derision. "You lived in Vancouver. You know that area better than any other N-operative I have available right now. So, you either take this assignment, or you get the hell out of my Academy. I'd be more than happy to send you packing. God knows I've been wanting to do that from the moment you set foot here,  _Hero of the Blitz_ ," he scoffed.

"Sir, I'll carry on with the assignment, sir," she uttered with tight lips and fists clenching in irritation.

"Great. I'm thrilled," he said wryly. "Now go read the fucking file, lieutenant. Dismissed."

Seething, she gave him a bristled salute and left.

Her knuckles turned white with the strength of her grasp on the datapad and she threw it on her bunk, otherwise she might end up breaking it. She wasn't ready to read it. What if Ty and Mano were mentioned there? What if they were running the gang and she was supposed to take them down? Was it foolish to hope that they had left this life behind? Fuck. They might not even be alive anymore.

There was no postponing it. She had to read that fucking file and start preparing for the mission.

A few lines in and her mind was already spinning. Things were much worse than she had expected. The Tenth Street Reds had grown and expanded in the past years. Long gone were the petty crimes and coffee shop robberies. According to this intel, they had moved on to bigger enterprises, such as smuggling weapons and manufacturing synthetic drugs. There were even suspicions that they were behind several assaults against aliens in the British Columbia area, including the failed attack on the committee the Turian Hierarchy had sent to Earth a few months ago to negotiate cooperation treaties with the Alliance.

To earn her N4 designation, Shepard had to disrupt their operations and take down the gang's current leader, known on the streets as The Mayor, and his most probable successors.

Of one thing she was certain: going undercover and infiltrating the Reds was out of the question, at least for her. If her old friends were still with the gang, they would certainly recognize her, jeopardizing the mission and putting her and her team in unnecessary danger.

In hindsight, she was glad Major Nascimento hadn't let her speak. Otherwise, she would have told him about Tyronne and Mano and he would've taken her off the mission. At least now she could try to find them and offer them a second chance. No one else would do that for them. It had to be her.

But, for her plan to work, she could only have in her team people who trusted her absolutely, and there weren't exactly many options for her to choose from out there. It would have to be a small team, which would also make things riskier for them. It was a lot to ask from her friends, but she had to try.

* * *

"Absolutely not."

"I'm well aware I might be pushing my luck here, but I can't go in guns blazing, Kaidan. I need to get them out alive and, for that, I need people I can trust."

"You need people you can trust because you're lying to your superior officers and you don't want them to find out about your relationship with these criminals," he replied, already starting to sound impatient.

" _Relationship_? You know I haven't seen them since that day at the coffee shop, right?" God, this really was not going the way she had planned it. Of course Kaidan wouldn't agree to this, not even for her. What was she thinking? Things with him were black and white; he didn't do grey.

"You mean the day they threatened and robbed a bunch of innocent people?"

Experience had showed her that arguing about this was pointless, but she couldn't help it. "They were good to me. They were my friends when I had no one else. I can't turn my back on them now."

"Your loyalty is misplaced, Shepard. You're an Alliance soldier. That should come first."

"So, your answer is no?" she asked, even though she had a pretty good guess of what he would say.

"Does it matter? No CO in their right mind refuses a request from the Ns. Captain Fayad will probably give me a ride to Rio himself."

"I want  _you_  to agree, Kaidan, not your CO. I could use someone like you on my team."

"Shepard…" He looked down, shaking his head. "What you're asking, it's too much. I'll join you, if that's what you want, but I won't just sit there and watch you risk your career and your life to give two criminals another chance. "

He would never understand. "I shouldn't have called you. This was a mistake," she said, shaking her head before disconnecting the vid-call.

If she wanted, she could make Kaidan join her team just by sending a formal request to his CO, but she didn't want to bring him into this against his will, especially when she was hiding crucial information from her superior officers. There was a chance this might end up blowing up in her face and she didn't want to drag him down with her. And, the mission was already going to be risky enough; she couldn't afford to have anyone second-guessing her.

Fortunately, there were others she could call and that she believed would get one hundred percent behind this crazy plan of hers.

* * *

February 25th, 2177

"First Lieutenant Rajit Singh. Engineer. Corporal Jarell Turner. Soldier," Major Nascimento read the list out loud. "Is this your whole team, Lieutenant? One officer and one enlisted grunt?"

"Yes, sir." She had absolute confidence in her choices for this mission. Jarell was one hell of a soldier; she had fought alongside him when Cerberus had attacked Arcturus Space Station and she knew how capable he was. He could've made it to officer if he had taken up a specialization training, but he had told her he was happy being a corporal and with his posting at Arcturus.

"No infiltrators or low-rank Ns?"

"No, sir." She would've recruited Brianna Jones though, if her friend hadn't quit the service. A sentinel would've been of great help on this mission and Jones was definitely one of the best.

"Well, it's your funeral, Lieutenant. I'm just glad you're not taking one of my guys down with you then."

Shepard ignored his provocation, an impassive look on her face. "Are we done here, sir?" she asked in a flat tone.

He scoffed, trying to pretend he wasn't affected by her indifference. His irritation was clear though in the way his shoulders tensed and his jaw twitched. She thought that bullies were always the same, no matter their age, and by now she had learned how to deal with them.

"Yes. We're done, Lieutenant. I'll talk to their COs and get your men down here. Dismissed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, another Horizon-inspired moment here… Kaidan has trust issues and I need him to work on these feelings and put him through some key character development moments, so his actions will be believable and not OOC when we get to ME2. Yes, I have big plans for ME2 and I hope you stick around until we get there.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who took the time and was kind enough to leave me a comment. I recently lost someone I loved very much and I couldn't concentrate on writing and didn't feel like doing anything for a while, but getting all the e-mails with your kudos and comments was really encouraging and uplifting and, it the end, it was what got me back here.


	33. Reunion

March 21st, 2177

Shepard stopped by the barracks at the Vancouver HQ only to retrieve her duffel bag and left without even bothering to take off her armor. After getting a car from the first self-service car rental spot she found, she drove off with no specific destination in mind. Getting the hell away from all that mess as fast as possible was all that mattered.

There had been times when she had thought the Alliance was her home. Today, it didn't feel like it.

Two hours later, she was pulling up at the Alenkos' orchard. Maybe she should've called first; they might not have even been there, but at their house in the city. She wasn't even sure why she had ended up at that place but, as she got out of the car, she instantly felt more at peace.

The Alenkos were there and they seemed to have heard the car, because they came outside looking surprised and genuinely happy to see her. Barbra hugged her, not minding the dirty armor, while Rylan saluted her and gave her a pat on the back. Lisa suddenly couldn't wait to get into civilian clothes and accepted Barbra's invitation to come in and change.

"Are you staying for dinner?" the older woman asked with a hopeful beam before Shepard could disappear down the hallway.

"If it's okay, I'd like to. Yeah," she replied.

"Of course it's okay, dear."

Rylan was staring at the weary marine in front of him, his eyes traveling from the bruise on her cheek, to the duffel bag on her shoulder, to the dried blood stains on her armor and her clenched fists. "Why don't you stay overnight? We'll set up the guest room while you take a shower," he suggested and looked at his wife for confirmation.

"Yes, that would be great," Barbra added.

Shepard relaxed visibly and nodded. "Thank you."

Once in the bathroom, her omni-tool was thrown aside; all the alerts for unread messages being ignored for now. It was only when she got under the shower that she realized how tired she was. Mrs. Alenko had asked her to stay for dinner, right? This meant she had been awake for at least thirty-six hours straight. But, there was no way she was missing out on a good old-fashioned home-cooked meal, despite her need for some sleep.

She had definitely come to the right place. Any resemblance of normalcy was very welcome today.

In the eyes of Major Nascimento and the Alliance, her N4 assignment had been a huge success. Her team had come out unscathed and the casualties had been considered tolerable — twelve in total, while another sixteen people had been taken into custody.

From Shepard's perspective though, the outcome hadn't been that great.

* * *

_March 20_ _th_

_Vancouver Police Department – 1720hrs_

_After interrogating quite a few suspects the local police had recently taken in for crimes like drug possession and distribution, and possession of illegal weapons, Shepard, Rajit, and Jarell finally got a lead on what could be a storage facility for the Reds._

_They waited for the night to fall and geared up to make their move._

_Tenth Street Reds warehouse – 2245hrs_

_Four thugs were guarding the perimeter and they offered considerable resistance but, in the end, they were no match for trained Alliance soldiers. They had to be neutralized, though, and counted among the casualties for the operation._

_Inside the warehouse, two gang members were arrested. Raj hacked his way into their network and found two other locations where the Reds were operating from. To save time, Shepard left the suspects in the custody of the Vancouver PD and went straight to investigate the first address._

_March 21_ _st_

_Tenth Street Reds hideout – 0030hrs_

_There were just two guys actually guarding the area and they were easily subdued. Inside, there were quite a few people and most of them were high. While a couple managed to flee, seven others were taken in. These, too, were left in the custody of the local police, since the Alliance had no interest in the arrest of junkies and petty criminals._

_In the basement, the marines discovered a red sand lab. There was only one guy down there and it looked like he was trying to pack all the product they had before making a run for it. When he spotted the marines, he realized he had run out of time and pulled his gun on them._

" _It's Mano," Jarell whispered unnecessarily. Shepard had immediately recognized her old friend and, if Raj's hesitation in pointing his gun at the man was any indication, he had, too._

_The possibility of them being caught in such a situation had been discussed to exhaustion during mission briefings. They had prepared for this and, now that it was happening, and at Shepard's signal, they put their plan into motion._

_Slowly, Jarell lowered his rifle and took a step forward. Mano looked like he didn't know what was happening and his gun wavered nervously from one marine to the other._

" _Mano, it's us," Jarell said, removing his helmet. "We're not going to hurt you. Please, lower your weapon."_

_Mano blinked, still uncertain, so Shepard, too, lowered her gun. With a sigh of relief, Raj followed, sheathing his and raising his hands. The marines still had their armor and shields and Shepard had her biotics; she was sure they would be fine even if Mano did something stupid and started shooting at them._

_It didn't seem like it would come to that, though. Even in that poorly lit basement, Shepard saw it as recognition settled in his eyes._

" _Fuck me," Mano breathed out. "Jarell? Raj? Scar? Is it really you?"_

" _Yeah, man. Put the gun down," Jarell said again._

_Mano did as he was told, but did not approach them. "You're all Alliance. The fucking Alliance is after us. Fuck! I told them it was crazy to attack those turians. That's why you're here, isn't it?"_

" _Who's_ them _?" Shepard asked._

" _Fuck!"_

" _We're here to help, man. Shepard got this assignment -"_

" _Lieutenant Jane Shepard," Raj interrupted Jarell when he noticed the confused look on Mano's face. "And I'm Lieutenant Singh now."_

" _Yeah, sure. Corporal Turner," Jarell re-introduced himself to his friend. "Shepard got this assignment and she could've brought a whole platoon here and razed you to the ground before you'd know what hit you, but instead she brought us, Mano. We can sort this out."_

" _Sort this out how? You're not placing me under arrest?"_

" _There's another option. Help us take down your boss and we'll cut you a deal," Shepard said. "No jail time if you agree to join the service."_

 _Shaking his head, Mano let out a mirthless laugh. "You don't know, do you? My boss, the one they call_ Mayor _, that's Jayden."_

_Shepard noticed as Jarell and Raj exchanged a worried look, but she didn't get the reason behind it. "What?" she asked._

" _That's Ty's older brother."_

* * *

Lisa turned off the shower, wrapping a towel around herself. The hot water had soothed her aching muscles, but had done nothing for her unquiet mind.

The bedroom was already set up for her and it was the same one she had shared with Kaidan during that perfect weekend they had spent together five years ago, right after she had finished Basic.

She retrieved the tube of medi-gel he had given her from her duffel bag. There wasn't much left, but it was enough to take care of the bruise on her cheek and the cuts and scratches on her knuckles. There were no broken bones — Jarell had had the presence of mind to check — but, now that the adrenaline had died down completely, her hands were hurting, the small cuts stinging like a bitch. It was nothing compared to what she had done to Ty's face, though.

From the start, she had known that her plan was risky one. Even if her team had prepared for a shit ton of variables, it was impossible to predict everything. And, the situation they were greeted with at the Reds' headquarters was on their list of worst-case scenarios.

* * *

_Tyronne had become Jayden's second in command and he called Mano on his tool when he heard the Alliance had stormed their hideout. The guys who had escaped had warned him and he wanted to know if Mano had gotten out of there in time._

_Mano had taken the deal Shepard had offered and answered as he was instructed to by her. "I'm okay. Heading back to the HQ now and bringing an Alliance soldier with me. Tell our guys to let us in."_

" _What?! You insane?"_

" _It's Scar, Ty. She's gotta deal for us. We're gonna be fine." Mano moved his arm to catch Shepard on the screen and she nodded at Ty._

" _Fuck! You sure about this, Mano? The boss is not gonna like it."_

" _She's coming alone and unarmed."_

" _Her people will follow you here and they'll wipe us out."_

" _She's in charge and she called them off. How do you think I'm still alive? She wants to help."_

" _Ty, your gang got the attention of the Alliance," Shepard said. "If I don't settle this today and they have to send someone else here, there will be no more negotiation, believe me. This is your only chance to get out of this without anyone having to die."_

" _Shit." For a moment, he seemed to be pondering his options. "'K. You can come, but... let's talk just the three of us in private first, before I let the boss in on this."_

_Tenth Street Reds headquarters – 0210hrs_

_There were several people standing guard at the HQ. They seemed jumpy and tense, probably waiting for an assault after having heard what had happened at their hideout and warehouse._

" _Good luck. We'll be right behind you," Jarell whispered in Shepard's ear as he hugged her._

_She squeezed him reassuringly and left with Mano, alone and unarmed like she had promised. As far as her old friend knew, Jarell and Raj would be outside and out of sight, waiting for Shepard to talk things over with Ty. In reality, the two marines would be taking down the guards outside as quietly as possible and making their way into the compound so they could provide her with back-up in case the negotiation didn't go as planned._

_Everyone was watching as she went in with Mano, her N gear making her stand out among the poorly equipped gang members. She and Mano were directed to an empty room without any windows and were told to wait there for Ty._

_Moments later, Tyronne came in flanked by two other men and ordered them to check Shepard for concealed weapons. He shot an angry, irritated look at Mano and then stared at the marine while his guys gave her a disgustingly thorough search._

_Without even blinking, she stared back at Ty the whole time. He might think he had the upper hand, but she wouldn't let him intimidate her._

_The men didn't find anything on her, of course. Even her combat knife had been left behind with Jarell. For her plan to continue working, she needed to gain Ty's trust. Breaking the promise of going there unarmed wouldn't be of any help._

_Jarell and Raj had known Ty longer and would probably gain his trust more easily, but unarmed, they were more defenseless than her; she had her biotics to rely on after all._

" _She's one of those biotics," Ty told his men, his eyes still fixed on hers. It was like he had read her mind._

_The thugs reacted immediately, shoving her to her knees. One of them forced her head down while the other unlatched the top part of her armor and ripped the amp out of her headjack. The abrupt loss of the piece of equipment felt like a shockwave going through her body and she fell forward on her hands. Mano moved to help her, but halted and backed away when Ty drew his pistol._

_Sucking in a deep breath, Shepard recomposed herself, resealing her armor and getting back on her feet. She hadn't even pulled up her barrier, hoping her biotics would go unnoticed or that Ty wouldn't mind, or even remember, she was a biotic and she would be able to keep her amp._

_Instead, she had to watch with a heavy heart as he threw her twenty-thousand-credit amp on the ground and crushed it with his boot._

_In hindsight, it had been naïve of her to think that a normal person would forget about someone using dark energy to make them fly on top of a building. Or, that Tyronne wouldn't see an Alliance soldier as the enemy, no matter who was wearing the uniform._

" _Now we can talk," he spoke and ordered his men to leave._

* * *

The Alenkos noticed Lisa's battered hands the instant she started eating at the table with them.

"Do you want help with that, dear?" Barbra asked.

"Nah. It's all right. Thank you. Kaidan gave me something for it."

"And your neck! Oh my God!" Barbra gasped, covering her mouth with her hand.

Lisa chided herself internally for forgetting to cover it. The bruising must have worsened if it elicited such a reaction from Mrs. Alenko. She didn't know what to say, so she went with the usual. "I'm fine."

The older woman looked like she had some follow-up questions, but Rylan spoke first. "Nailed the motherfucker?"

"I, uh… yeah. Sort of. It's complicated."

Rylan was suddenly looking a lot more serious. "If you want advice or need to talk about it…" He cleared his throat, seeming a bit out of his element. "We can… you know…"

"Thank you, but I really am fine. You don't have to worry." Lisa tried to reassure him. "And, it was an N job, so I can't really talk about it."

The three of them fell into a heavy silence that lasted for a while until Barbra thought of something lighter to say. "Oh, you have to see the mango tree, dear. It has grown so much; I think it might fruit this year."

"I'd love to," Lisa replied and she wasn't just saying it; she really meant it. This was something she had thought she would never have again but, here she was, in this wonderful orchard with this incredible family that had always cared about her and made her feel wanted and loved.

Jarell, Raj, Mano, Ty and Jayden had never had this. If they had had, maybe things would have turned out differently.

* * *

" _I can't believe you agreed to this, Mano. These aliens want to destroy us. They invade our colonies, enslave our people. And the Alliance is bowing to them instead of fighting to protect the human race."_

" _Ty, man, I've told you I don't care about this xenophobic bullshit."_

" _You're wrong and you better not let the 'Mayor' hear about this."_

" _The 'Mayor'? Why do you even bother? The Alliance is here. We're finished." Mano exchanged a look with Shepard and Ty narrowed his eyes suspiciously at them._

" _You told her who the boss is?" He yelled his accusation at them, a betrayed look on his face. "You're an idiot, Mano. He'll kill you."_

_At that instant, a man came in asking, "Kill who?"_

_Given his resemblance to Tyronne and how livid Mano looked to see that man there at that moment, Shepard figured he must be Jayden. She had never met him before. She knew Ty's older brother had lived at the same orphanage as them, but he had already been gone when she had been taken there._

_Jayden looked murderous when he spotted her. "Who brought the Alliance bitch here?"_

" _She's here to help," Mano said, and Jayden immediately pulled his gun on him._

" _You fucking rat!" the 'Mayor' bellowed, fuming._

_When Shepard heard the safety being taken off, she didn't think twice. She pounced at Ty, yanking his pistol from him, and shot Jayden at the same time that he shot Mano._

_Both men fell to the floor. Jayden was clearly dead — the bullet from his brother's gun had gone right through his cheek. Mano was coughing and sputtering on the ground; maybe he could still make it if they could get him help quickly. Ty had another idea, though, and he tackled Shepard, pinning her to the floor as he tried to strangle her._

_He was so enraged and determined, she had no doubt he would kill her right there, with his bare hands. Still, she didn't want to shoot him. All the risks she had taken with this crazy plan of hers had been to get Ty and Mano out of this alive, and she would do all she could to achieve her goal._

_Without her amp, and not having the luxury of time to properly amass and focus her dark energy, she managed to create a biotic pulse strong enough to throw him off of her, but couldn't follow it with a stasis field or anything else that could keep him from her._

_At least it gave her time to get on her feet and, when he came at her again, she dodged and connected a punch to his face. He staggered, but did not give up. Despite being stronger, he had no technique and only managed to hit her once. With four or five well-placed punches, she knocked him out._

_Alarmed by the shooting, her team came rushing in. Jarell immediately called for an ambulance while Raj started administering first-aid to Mano. It looked like the two men had everything under control, so Shepard got a rifle from the corporal and turned to leave and check if the rest of compound had been cleared. Ty was already coming to, and she didn't think he would like to see her just now._

_A hand on her arm stopped her. The grasp was sure and firm; familiar enough for her to know without having to look that it belonged to Jarell. He pulled her right hand up and examined it. Then, he checked the left one. She didn't say a word; he'd probably figured out what had happened already. Only when she felt his fingers on the back of her neck, did she turn to face him._

" _Is that your amp?" He pointed to the shambles of her Astrum V on the ground._

_She nodded._

" _Are you okay?"_

" _Ty needs you. Make sure he'll be fine," she said, her tone stern enough to leave no doubt about it being an order._

" _Aye aye, ma'am," he replied more formally, realizing she didn't want to talk nor to be fussed over, and saluted her as she left the room._

* * *

Lisa came back from a stroll with Barbra around the orchard to find Rylan waiting at the porch with glasses and a bottle of whisky. While the marine accepted the glass he was offering, his wife made no move to join them.

"Aren't you going to have a drink with us, Mrs. Alenko?"

"Oh, no. I think I'll retire early and leave you two to talk." Barbra kissed her husband goodnight and went inside.

"Tough job today, Lieutenant?" Rylan asked Shepard.

"The worst." She took a long swig of her drink, enjoying the warmth it brought as it went down her throat.

"Ran into some old friends?"

That had to be just a lucky guess, right? "Vancouver is a big city," she replied, keeping a neutral expression.

"Yes, but your bruises look very personal."

"How so?"

"Strangling? We don't see that very often. There are so many faster and more effective ways to kill a person. Only someone blinded by rage would go for that. It's… too passionate. And your knuckles… Why would a well-armed biotic N-operative get into a fistfight? My guess would be that you were trying to spare someone. There are not many reasons why an N would do that."

"Not everything is about shooting people. There are other ways to solve problems."

"That's not what we hear about how the Ns operate. But, I can see how a punch to the face can calm down a betrayed friend who is trying to strangle you."

Shepard said nothing; just let out a weary sigh and refilled her already empty glass.

"Did it work? Is your friend alive?" he asked, watching her down another dose.

"Yeah," she answered simply. She would've found his deduction skills very amusing if she weren't so tired and upset over Mano getting shot.

"Jane, dear." Mrs. Alenko came back outside bringing Shepard's omni-tool with her. "Sorry to interrupt, but someone's been calling you and they've been very insistent. Maybe you'd like to answer it?"

She put on her tool and thanked Barbra even if she was still not ready to deal with Jayden's death and Tyronne's hatred towards her — which was probably what this call was about anyway.

"Shepard." It was Jarell on her screen and he looked ragged, even more so than her. "It's Mano. He… he didn't make it."

* * *

March 23rd, 2177

Emiliano Rivas. That was Mano's actual name and Shepard felt badly that she was only learning it now, at the funeral service Jarell had put together for him and Jayden. While the corporal had organized it, she had paid for it, spending all her savings in the process. She hadn't done it out of guilt, though; Jarell and Raj didn't make nearly as much as her, Ty didn't seem like he would take care of it, and she didn't think there was anyone else out there willing to pay for it. Even if she had never known Jayden, Mano and Ty had been her friends once, so she felt like stepping up and giving Mano and Ty's brother a proper funeral was the right thing to do.

There were a dozen people at most in attendance. If Mano and Jayden had any more friends, they were probably members of the Reds, too, and were afraid to come out of hiding when the Alliance had just stormed their HQ and killed their boss.

Under Lieutenant Singh's custody, Tyronne attended the funeral service. Jarell was the only one to speak and he gave a eulogy for both deceased men. Shepard stood alone in the back and left before the end. Ty was still so enraged with her, she feared he might try something stupid if she stuck around, even if he was under Raj's watch. From there, Ty would be going straight to prison and he was already facing so many charges; Shepard didn't want to be the reason he would have another one added to the pile.

Instead of going back to the Alenkos, where she was still staying, she went into the first bar she found. There were only a couple of other customers inside; it was probably too early in the day to be drinking, but she really felt like a having beer right now. It was Sunday, and she was off-duty, so why not?

Jarell and Raj would probably share that feeling, and she was about to message them and tell them to meet her there after the funeral, when she got a call on her tool.

"Hey, Shepard."

"Hey, Kaidan."

"How are you? Ma told me one of your friends passed away."

"Yeah."

"You have my sympathies."

"Thank you," she replied, wondering if he really meant it.

He gave her a small smile and they were quiet for a moment until she asked, "Is that all?"

"I, uh… yeah. Take care."

No lecture? No  _I told you so_? Maybe he did mean it.

Disconnecting the call, she went back to her beer feeling a tiny bit better.


	34. Bias

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mention the events of Akuze in this chapter. It's very brief and I made some small changes to it so it would better connect to the plot I have ongoing. If you're too passionate about the sole survivor background, let me just warn you beforehand that I didn't do it justice. War Hero Shepard is the star of this show, so I needed to keep Akuze simple. I hope you don't mind. Also, Kaidan's POV is back and Anderson makes an appearance. Enjoy and leave me a review if you've got the time!
> 
> Translation for the Portuguese words Caetano uses are at the bottom. All important lines are in English, though, so you don't have to stop reading just to check the translation.
> 
> Thank you to my lovely readers and to my wonderful beta, Suilven.

* * *

April 3rd, 2177

After the ceremony in which Shepard received her N4 designation for the Reds job, she ran into her friend and one-time CO, Commander Correa, and saluted him formally.

" _Para com isso_ , Shepard. It's Caetano for you. Congrats on your N4 by the way."

"Thanks. It's good to see you. I didn't know you were already back at The Villa."

"I've just been briefed on my N7 assignment."

"Wow. That's huge."

"Yeah _,_ I can't fuck it up this time. They're even giving me a ship."

She understood why he would be worried, since he had failed before, in one of his first N-level missions. "That's great, Caetano! I'm sure you'll do fine."

"I need the best squad I can get. Do you have any recommendations?"

"Maybe. What do you need?"

"A good ground team. The ship's crew is already assigned. Well, actually it's a corvette, so the crew is just a flight lieutenant and an engineer who doubles as relief-pilot and I didn't get to choose them."

"Corvette's pretty good. You'll still have room for what? Nine people?"

"Eight. No officers this time. But, no newbies either. A good bunch of experienced marines will do."

"Hm. I guess I'm getting old; I don't know many enlisted anymore. The only one I can recommend to you is Corporal Jarell Turner. He's the best soldier I know. You won't regret having him on your team."

" _Valeu_ , Shepard. I'll put his name on the list."

"Anything you can tell me about your mission?"

"Pioneer colonization team disappeared on Akuze and the Alliance wants to know what happened. It's not top secret or anything."

Lisa didn't say anything, thinking it might sound xenophobic, but she was willing to bet batarians were behind it. "Don't worry. I'm sure you'll get your N7." At least the mission seemed simple enough.

The man nodded and gave her his usual mischievous smile. " _Então_ , you know the drill. After the ceremony, there's always–"

"No nightclub tonight, Caetano. I'm not in the mood."

"Jesus, you really are getting old. What if we go for a beer at Posto 5 on Copacabana? A friend of mine runs the bar and it's usually not too crowded there. Or loud. Very nice place for the elderly."

Lisa rolled her eyes at his teasing, but agreed. "All right. Can I invite Isabella?"

"The Requisitions Officer?  _Claro!_  Do you think she can recommend me some new equipment for Akuze?"

"She hates talking shop in her off-duty hours," Lisa warned him.

"Then I'm surprised she's friends with you," he quipped.

* * *

April 20th, 2177

Shepard was going to ship out for her N5 assignment in the morning and she was just finishing packing up her duffel bag when Isabella showed up at the dorm.

The woman threw her a small brushed metal box and, as Shepard caught it, she realized it was actually an amp case.

"What's this?"

"Do you really not know?"

"I know it's an amp, Isabella, but you already hooked me up with that crappy Alliance standard one." It was very frustrating to have to use the weak Aldrin Labs Solaris series bio-amp after spending so much time using the Kassa Fabrication Astrum V. However, the Alliance provided the Solaris I to V free of charge to all their biotics and, right now, Shepard didn't have any money to spend on a fancy amp.

"Those burn marks around your headjack scream cheap amp. The Solaris is not as bad as the old Antares, but it still can't keep up with most adepts, least of all with you."

Lisa shook her head, but internally she agreed with Isabella. Her curiosity got the best of her and she opened the case to find a Prowess IV. It was a new release by Armali Council with a better cooldown time than the Astrum, but less power. "An asari amp? Are you kidding me? I can't afford this."

"I didn't think you could. Otherwise, why would you have ordered a Solaris? Commander Correa on the other hand, he can afford one. Apparently."

Her mouth fell open in shock. "Caetano got this for me?"

"Yep," the Requisitions Officer said, popping the p. "He ordered it right before he left for Akuze. It arrived today."

"How did he know I…" Lisa remembered going out for drinks with Isabella and Caetano the night she had gotten her N4 for the Reds job. Isabella had asked how she had been adapting to the Solaris amp, which had prompted Lisa to go on a very long rant about how shitty all Aldrin Labs amps were. "Oh. Never mind. I guess I need to call and thank him."

Isabella grimaced and looked down. "Oh, boy. You haven't heard."

"What?"

"He's MIA. His whole team is. The last time they made contact was when they touched ground on Akuze. No one has been able to reach them since then."

Lisa felt her stomach drop. First, she had gotten Mano killed with that stupid plan of hers; now, she might have sent Jarell to his death. And, what a lousy friend she had been to Caetano, dismissing his worries about this mission.

"Where are you going?" she heard Isabella yelling after her as she rushed out of the dorm.

Major Nascimento wouldn't be happy — he never was to see her — but she needed to talk to him anyway.

She found him when he was leaving the cafeteria. Hopefully, having just eaten would put him in a better mood.

"Lieutenant, shouldn't you be getting ready for deployment?"

"Sir, you have to send me on a rescue mission."

Nascimento raised his brows, smirking. "You don't give the orders here, Lieutenant. Is this about your boyfriend being MIA?"

"My boyfriend, sir?"

"You and Commander Correa were fraternizing, weren't you, Lieutenant? Just admit you were. I'd be happy to  _deal_  with it."

 _What an asshole!_  Shepard had to take a deep breath to keep herself from doing anything stupid. "Sir, Commander Correa is a friend and I'm here to volunteer for the search effort."

The major shook his head. "One of our ships that was in the area scanned the planet and–"

"Did anyone go planetside to look for them?"

"This is no way to address a superior officer, Lieutenant."

"You can't possibly be satisfied with that result, sir. Are you just going to give up on ten marines and an N7?"

"Commander Correa was not yet an N7."

Her temper flared with that comment and the major's choice of verb tense only made things worse. "Sir, you –"

"Don't tell me how to do my job, Lieutenant. Do you want to go back to the brig? Are you willing to throw away your career over this?"

Before she could answer him, the fire alarm went off. The major used his tool to access the speakers of the entire villa and immediately started bellowing evacuation orders. While everyone was rushing out, Shepard spotted Isabella, grabbed her by the arm, and dragged her towards the nearest the exit.

"Did you do this?" she asked between gritted teeth.

"Do what?"

"Isabella!"

"You're too hotheaded, Shepard. You were about to ruin your career and I didn't know how else to interrupt the major without getting into trouble."

"You don't think you're going to get in trouble for this?" Shepard whisper-shouted, gesturing to the definitely-not-burning building.

"Not if you don't tell. No one saw me. And you're not going to tell, because I've just saved your ass. Right?"

The marine rolled her eyes at her friend's hopeful beam, but nodded in agreement after Isabella insisted on getting an answer.

"Thank you. Look, I know it doesn't always seem like it, but Major Nascimento cares a lot about his men. No matter what he told you, trust that he hasn't given up on them yet."

Shepard realized she had no option but to do just that. Lieutenants didn't get to make any decisions; they followed orders. Pushing this matter would only land her in the brig and make her even more powerless. The only thing left for her to do now was to get ready for her mission and pray that Jarell, Caetano and the rest of their team would be found alive.

* * *

November 7th, 2177

Shepard received her sixth N designation in the same ceremony that the sole survivor of Akuze graduated from training and officially became an N. It had taken some time for Jarell Turner to recover from the injuries and trauma he had suffered on the planet, but it looked like he was doing fine now.

She couldn't tell for sure, because the last time they had talked had been months ago, when she had visited him at the hospital.

" _I won't say you ruined my life, because it was never put together to begin with, but you're bad news, Shepard. I think I'll be better off if you're not around," the corporal said without even looking in her direction. He didn't sound angry, though; just indifferent, empty._

_His harsh words and dismissive demeanor hit her like a ton of bricks. Realizing she wasn't welcome there, she had turned on her heels and left. If he was blaming her for Mano's death and for what had happened to him on Akuze, she didn't think anything she could say would change that; especially when she also believed she had played a part in both tragedies._

"Your guy, he's… not bad, Lieutenant."

Shepard had to look around to make sure it was really her that Major Nascimento was talking to. He had never approached her this casually before but, there he was, standing by her side after the ceremony was over, making conversation. She wondered how long it would take before their chat turned into an argument. At least it would distract her from how much she was missing Caetano right now and the way he would always drag her to a nightclub or a bar after these functions.

"'My guy', sir?"

"Corporal Turner." He nodded his head towards Jarell. "N-School is usually a place for officers only, but I made an exception for him on the condition that he would take up a specialization ASAP."

"Well, he deserves it, sir. He's not 'my guy', though."

"He was on your team for the Reds job and then you recommended him to Commander Correa, isn't that right? Good call there, since he was the only one to make it out alive."

Shepard thought that was a weirdly positive way to look at the situation. Isabella had been right after all; Nascimento hadn't given up on Commander Correa's team. It had been the search-and-rescue operation he had launched that had found Jarell, saved his life, and brought him back.

Nevertheless, she was sure Jarell didn't see his survival and joining the special forces as a bright side to that tragedy.

"I don't think he's proud of it, sir."

"We had never heard of these thresher maws before. What happened there was no one's fault. Not Correa's and certainly not Turner's."

"He wouldn't have gone through this if it weren't for me."

"For God's sake, Lieutenant. Soldiers die. Missions go wrong. This is the Alliance military, not mall security. When you make a decision, it doesn't matter if it's big or small, you better own it. Every time. Regrets and second-guessing don't get you promoted; they get you killed. And you outrank Turner. If he has a problem with you having recommended him for the mission on Akuze, just tell him to shut the fuck up. Honestly, have you learned nothing from me?"

"Sir, I –"

"Shut the fuck up, Shepard. Dismissed."

He was still scoffing at her as she saluted him and left. Now, this was more like the sort of conversation she was used to having with the major.

* * *

January 1st, 2178

There had been many times when Kaidan had thought Shepard wouldn't show up at the beach for their New Year's Eve tradition: because they had had a fight; because she had been serving far away from Vancouver; because she had been working undercover on a mission.

But, despite all difficulties, she had always found a way to be there. So, this year he was confident she would show. It had been a year since they had last met and he had missed her like hell.

So, he waited; his gaze constantly traveling from the clock on his tool to the sea of faces on the waterfront. When the fireworks began and there was no sign of her, he cracked open a beer and started drinking, but he did not lose hope.

Over one hour and five bottles of beer later — the last one in the six-pack he'd been saving for her— he accepted that she wasn't coming. It was a damn cold night and there was barely anyone left on the beach, so he decided to go to his parents'. He had gotten a hotel room, but he didn't see a point in using it without Shepard; not that there was any guarantee that they would have ended up there anyway. Maybe it had been presumptuous of him to have made a reservation in the first place. He wasn't seeing anyone, but she could be dating someone else for all he knew. Even if she weren't, it didn't mean that she would want to spend the night with him.

But, he couldn't give up hope that they would find their way back to each other, even if they didn't always see eye to eye. And they really didn't, but they were still good together, despite their differences. Or, maybe because of them.

His omni-tool beeped and sent his heart racing. It had to be her.

"Hey, Kaidan." She had her armor and helmet on, but the visor was lifted so he could see her face; sweaty, flushed, and beautiful. "Is it New Year on Earth yet?"

"For almost two hours, yeah."

She turned her head slightly to take a peek over whatever she seemed to be hiding behind. Then, she looked around, apparently searching for another cover spot. Had she called him in the middle of a mission?

"Damn," she muttered, and he didn't know if it was meant for him or for the situation she was in. "Can't believe I missed it." He still couldn't tell.

There was a loud bang and the screen moved wildly. Instead of her, all he saw was debris flying. "Shepard? Shepard!"

She was back in the frame, panting, but with a smile on her face. "Happy New Year, Kaidan."

It seemed she was okay and he let out a sigh of relief.

"Do you know when batarians celebrate New Year? It's not today. That much I can tell you."

Kaidan shook his head, smiling back at her. "Happy New Year, Shepard."

She ducked and rolled on the ground as something exploded next to her. His heart felt like it had stopped for a moment, until he saw her face again.

"Fuck! I should go. Later, Kaidan." This time her voice was strained and before the call was disconnected, he saw her closing her visor with a bloodied hand.

Forget later. He wanted to talk to her now. Was she hurt? Was she going to be okay? She had told him once that she didn't want him to be worried about her all the time. It had been one of her reasons for breaking up with him. It made no difference, though, if he was her boyfriend or not; he still worried about her. All the time.

His tool pinged again — a text from Shepard.

 _Not my blood_ , it read.

She knew him too well; she knew he would be concerned and, even in the heat of battle, she still cared enough to write him a reassuring message. It warmed up his heart.

 _Good to know. Give them hell and please come back in one piece_ , he replied.

The next time he heard from her was days later. Again, she sent him a text.

_Shepard, 2. Batarians, 1. ;)_

* * *

February 6th, 2178

"Commander," Shepard saluted Anderson. She wanted to go for something more formal and professional, but couldn't keep a stupid grin from forming on her face. She had just received her N7 and been promoted to Staff Lieutenant. This was one of the best days of her life and she was ridiculously proud of her herself. Commander Anderson showing up to watch the ceremony was the cherry on top of the cake.

"Congratulations, Lieutenant. How about we have a drink to celebrate?"

"As long as you're paying, sir," she replied, flashing him her crooked smile.

"Come here," he said, pulling her into a hug. "You did good, kid. I'm proud."

"I wouldn't be here if not for you, sir."

"How about you drop the  _sir_  for tonight, Shepard?"

"Yes, sir."

Looking amused, Anderson shook his head and they walked together to get a cab.

"Tell me about your N7 assignment, Shepard. Even Major Nascimento was impressed and, don't get me wrong, but it seems he doesn't like you very much."

"Batarians occupied a moon in the Skepsis System," she said, intentionally leaving her spat with the major out of this. It was her problem to handle, not Anderson's. "They made it look like they were setting up a colony, but it was really a base of operations for one of their pirate groups."

"I heard you killed them all."

"I did, sir."

"How many?"

"Fifty-eight. But I had a squad with me, sir."

"Of course. And they all made it, right?"

"Yes, sir."

Anderson chose the destination once they found a cab. It was a brew pub on Leblon — his favorite bar in the city from back when he was in the N-program. On the ride there, they didn't talk much. The commander seemed to be caught up in thought.

The pub was small and there were no tables available, but the bartender was a friend of Anderson's and made everyone at the counter move so there would be two available stools together for the two marines.

He offered them two shots of cachaça on the house and, while Shepard felt like she was swallowing fire, Anderson downed his with ease, as if he were drinking water. After that shot, the local brew tasted sweet and smooth like a soda and she appreciated it even more.

"Fifty-eight people, Shepard…"

"Batarians, sir," she said, even though he wasn't asking her anything.

He raised an eyebrow at her and she immediately regretted making that remark. "You were sent to the Skepsis System to hunt down  _pirates_ , not batarians, Lieutenant. Remember that the next time you talk about this job."

"I will, sir."  _Although it doesn't change the fact that they were all batarians. Every single one of them_ , she thought, but she kept it to herself.

"Making arrests used to be more your style, Shepard. You'd always avoid killing anyone if you could, even when you were being shot at. Were you anyone else, I'd say being in the special forces was what caused this change. But, you're not anyone else, you're the sole survivor of Mindoir and, looking at the reports from your previous missions up to N6, there had always been more arrests than casualties.

"Now, I'm not saying you should've brought those pirates in; I know I wouldn't have. But, I have some advice for you: Don't let this personal grudge of yours factor into your decision-making process. That is not how things are done in the Alliance. I see a great future for you in the service, but the higher you get in the chain of command, politics become more and more a part of the job; there's no way to avoid it. You'll never be made an admiral, or even a captain, if you can't be impartial every time the batarians are involved."

Lisa had always listened to Anderson. He was the best CO she had ever had and he had become a sort of mentor to her. But, this time, he was wrong. The batarians had razed Mindoir to the ground and had tried to do the same to Elysium. How could he say she had a 'personal grudge' against them? This was so much bigger than some stupid 'grudge'.

"Understood, sir," she said, just to avoid confrontation.

He wasn't convinced. "Just make sure that the next time you shoot someone, you do it for the right reasons. And keep your opinions on their race to yourself."

She gave him no reply this time. In her mind, there was only one thing:  _Shepard, 2. Batarians, 1._  And she was proud of having taken the lead on that score.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English translations:
> 
> Para com isso - Stop that
> 
> Valeu - Thanks
> 
> Então - So
> 
> Claro - Sure


	35. Save the Date

_You are cordially invited to celebrate the wedding of_

_Hendel Nagesh Mitra_

_Lieutenant, Systems Alliance Navy_

_and_

_Martin Hasan Ershad_

_Service Chief, Systems Alliance Navy_

_On Saturday, the 9_ _th_ _of November, 2182_

_8 pm_

_Kolkata Urban Resort_

_New Calcutta, West Bengal_

_Dinner and reception to follow_

Kaidan wasn't at all surprised that things hadn't worked out between Mitra and his civilian ex-boyfriend, Marc; he, too, had tried without success to have relationships with civilians. First, it had been a college student named Lydia. They had met during his shore leave in 2174, in Vancouver. In 2175, after he and Shepard had spent a few days together on Mindoir, he had realized he was still in love with Shepard and had broken up with Lydia. But it wasn't like their relationship had been working before. Lydia had often felt lonely and had complained about how hard it was for them to meet and how he was never there when she needed him.

In 2179, there was Michelle. She was the manager at the karaoke bar on Arcturus. What was supposed to be their first date turned into a whole weekend together. However, the Agincourt only docked at Arcturus every three months or so, and Michelle ended up getting involved with someone else during Kaidan's months of absence. After that one, he had decided to take a break from relationships for a while. He did go on a few dates, and had a couple of one-night stands, but steered clear from labels and commitments.

Truth be told, for most of the time, since 2179 and after Michelle, he had been alone. Having meaningless encounters with random girls was not his style, and it had been more peer pressure that had pushed him into doing it than anything else.

Two other marines serving on the Agincourt had made passes at him over the years but, after he had become a Staff Lieutenant and head of the marine detail in 2180, it hadn't happened again. Fraternization was prohibited, and Kaidan had never, and would never, engaged in a behavior that went against the rules; he cherished his career too much to do something stupid and juvenile like that.

So, he had RSVP-ed for the wedding for himself only; no plus one. Despite not having met Ershad yet, Mitra had still asked Kaidan to be in the wedding party, as one of the officers in the sword detail, and he wasn't going to miss it.

For a while there, he let himself wonder about Shepard — if she would go; if she would be in the sword detail, too; if she would bring a date.  _Enough_ , he chided himself internally. He tried not to think too much about her these days. The last time he had seen her in person had been when she had broken up with him, in 2176. His parents hadn't heard from her in a year and were very upset. Kaidan hadn't heard from her in even longer; for the past two New Year's Eves, she hadn't called, or even sent a text.

She didn't care about him anymore and he… he wished he could say the same about her.

* * *

November 9th, 2182. Kolkata Urban Resort, New Calcutta.

Kaidan and the other seven officers who were in the sword detail for Hendel and Martin's wedding were sitting in the last two rows of chairs, waiting for the ceremony to start. Except for Lieutenant Katrina Makowski, who had been the last one to arrive, he didn't know any of the others. Kat had greeted him informally, which had been unexpected, and he had thought she would take the free seat by his side; instead she had stood at attention. The other marines did the same all of a sudden, and Kaidan followed. Whoever was in charge of the arch of swords must have arrived.

The sentinel had no idea of who it would be. If he were to haphazard a guess, he would go with Major Kyle. Mitra had been a good friend of Kyle's from back when the major had still been a lieutenant. But, then Kaidan had heard that the major had disappeared after the raid on Torfan and had been discharged from the Alliance.

"Lieutenant Shepard, Hero of the Blitz, it is an honor to meet you, ma'am. My parents were in that subway in Illyria. Our family will be forever grateful for what you did there," one of the marines said, his words cutting through Kaidan's thoughts.

Shepard was there. She really was there, looking beautiful and confident in her dress blues and attracting everyone's eyes. His breath got caught in his throat and, not knowing how to react to seeing her after all this time, he just continued standing at attention.

"It's Commander Shepard now, corporal," she replied, pointing to the insignia on her uniform.

The guy looked like he was going to be sick and she put a hand on his shoulder, "Easy, soldier. Take a deep breath. This is the first time I'm wearing this jacket. You don't want to spill your guts on it now, do you?"

"No, ma'am," the guy said, his voice barely coming out.

"Good."

The others introduced themselves to her while Kaidan just watched, unable to move. He probably wasn't even breathing. There were so many questions he wanted to ask her — what she had been doing; why she had disappeared; how recent her promotion was; all those medals pinned to her dress uniform, what she had received them for; and, most importantly, would she like to sit by his side.

"Kaidan." Despite her usage of his first name as she approached him, she looked so damned cold and professional that it set him off.

"It's Lieutenant Alenko, ma'am." It sounded harsh and… had he just chided a superior officer? It was like his brain had shut down for a second and he hadn't been able to help it.

She raised one eyebrow at him, looking a bit taken aback and maybe confused for a second, and then took the seat one of the other marines had offered her. It was only three chairs away from the sentinel, but it might as well be a million.

"Wow. Very smooth, Alenko," Kat said wryly, taking the vacant seat beside his. "You know, I still can't figure out if you're an asshole or if you just don't know anything about women."

Kaidan let out a heavy sigh. This was going to be one long wedding.

"Last time I saw Shepard, she was the one mad at you. But, that was ages ago, so what do I know."

"Kat, look, I don't want to talk a–"

"Correction: last time I saw Shepard, she was on ANN, receiving the Star of Terra for holding off the attack on Elysium. I thought I'd be seeing a lot more of her after that, that she would become the Alliance's poster girl and her face would be everywhere. Instead, she disappeared. It was the right call if you think about it. She was high as fuck on that footage from the Blitz. If the Alliance had tried to capitalize on her image and made the buzz around her last, the press might have found out about the less heroic sides of her."

"She  _is_  a hero, Makowski, and she's right there," Kaidan whispered impatiently, between gritted teeth.

"I know and, when she arrived, I saluted her like one and treated her with the respect she deserves. Can you say the same for yourself, Alenko?"

 _No, I can't._  And he couldn't tell what Katrina's point was; if there was an angle to it, or if she was just trying to piss him off as some sort of revenge for that misunderstanding between them a few years back.

"Dell said you needed someone to set you straight."

"What? Why would he say that?"

"He's worried about you. We're all settling down now," she said, showing him the engagement ring on her finger. "And, you… well, he thinks you're still hung up on Shepard and that you're not even trying to have a life outside of work anymore."

"That's… that's not… that's none of your business, Kat."

"Exactly what I told Dell. But, he reminded me were friends once. Good friends, who looked out for each other and stood together through thick and thin. And he's right, Kaidan. Dell, Marc, Toni, Rahna, Yuri — I don't think we would be here today if it weren't for them. The seven of us, we faced everything together and we took care of each other. We may have drifted apart afterwards, but it was our friendship that got us through that Brain Camp hell. So — and you'll want to pay attention now because this is probably the last non-sarcastic thing I'll say for the rest of the evening — you go get your happy ending. If you're still in love with Shepard, go win her back. If you think Rahna is the love of your life — she's not — but, if you think she is, then go after her. If they're not what you want, then get some closure and move on with your life. They're both here tonight, so this is the perfect opportunity for you to sort things out."

"Rahna is here?" It came out a little bit higher and louder than he'd expected, which caused Shepard to spare a glance in his direction.

Kat made a show of rolling her eyes at him. "Jesus Fuck, Kaidan. You make me feel like we're teenagers back in Brain Camp again."

"I just want to know how she's been doing; that's all."  _I want to make sure that I didn't ruin her life. I want to see for myself that she's okay._

"You'll have a chance to do that during the reception. Right now, we have to assume our positions." Katrina pointed to Shepard, who was signaling them to move to the center of the aisle.

Kaidan hadn't had time to come to this realization before but, if Shepard had been promoted to Lieutenant Commander and she was sitting there with them in her uniform, that meant she was in charge of the arch of swords; she was the ranking officer in the wedding party.

"Officers, draw swords," Shepard ordered. "Center face."

The marines pivoted so they were in two lines, facing each other. The guests got up and Kaidan figured either Mitra or Ershad must have walked in.

"Arch swords," Shepard commanded. The ceremony was about to start.

* * *

Since the grooms were from different religions, they had decided to have a military ceremony officiated by an Alliance Navy chaplain.

It was very brief, but it gave Kaidan enough time to think, and he regretted the way he had talked to Shepard when she had arrived. It might have upset him that she had cut him out of her life, but perhaps she could explain why she had done it. He didn't want to fight; he just wanted to understand.

As the newlyweds were coming down the aisle, Commander Shepard already had the sword detail positioned for the second arch at the exit. The whole ritual was executed to perfection. When it was over and she had dismissed them, Kaidan noticed her eyes remained on him.

He rubbed the headjack on the back of his neck, giving himself a moment to figure out the best way to start this conversation. As he looked up again, with a small smile on his lips to break the ice, she wasn't there anymore. Some guy in dress uniform was leading her away with his hand on the small of her back.

They seemed close, but not boyfriend-and-girlfriend close. Kaidan kept watching them until they found their seats, which were side by side. Okay, not a good sign, but it didn't necessarily mean they were a couple either.

There were two other empty chairs at the table and Kaidan wondered if Dell would've put him at the same table as Shepard. Before he could decide if that would be good or bad, considering that she might've brought a date, two other marines from the sword detail occupied the chairs.

"C'mon, Alenko. You're with us," Kat said, pointing to the table with their old friends from BAaT.

Except for Marc, they were all there. Kaidan almost didn't recognize Rahna. Her hair was styled differently and dyed a darker color. She looked older, of course, and a lot skinnier. Her arms were crossed protectively over her chest and she seemed uncomfortable, as if she didn't want to touch anything or anyone.

She greeted him politely and then excused herself from the table.

"I don't think she wants to sit with us. She's been trying to live a normal life," Toni explained. "Like a  _normal_  person."

Kat just shrugged, but Kaidan felt like he should go after Rahna and try to talk to her. He pretended he didn't see the others shaking their heads at him as he left. Were they thinking he was still hung up on her after fourteen years?

She was talking to someone about switching places when he caught up with her. At least she cared about Dell enough to not leave his wedding early.

Kaidan put his hand on her shoulder to get her attention, but she didn't turn to see who it was.

"Danny," she said, recognizing him from his touch only. The buzz of his biotics were probably a dead giveaway. "Is there something you want?"

Her dark energy was so repressed and under control, he barely felt anything before she flinched from his touch.

"I was wondering if we could talk…"

"Sure," she replied, finally turning to face him. Her voice was as soft as usual, but her smile was tight enough for him to know she was uncomfortable.

"How have you been?" He instantly kicked himself in his mind for opening with that question. Had he caught this from Shepard? The ability of sounding infuriatingly casual in all situations?

"Fine, thank you." Her answer was as shallow as his question.

"You still call me 'Danny'."

"Old habits, I guess."

"Look, Rahna, after BAaT, after we were sent home, I tried to reach you. I really tried. For months. I was worried and I wanted to make su–"

"I know, and I'm sorry I didn't end things properly between us, but I'm not sorry for leaving that life behind. Brain Camp was the worst thing to ever happen to me and I needed to put it behind me."

"You didn't have to ignore us like that, going away without a word."

She looked down, biting her bottom lip. "I didn't. I kept in touch with Dell and Marc. And Toni for a while."

"But, not with me," Kaidan uttered, his tone betraying a hint of bitterness.

"That place needed to be shut down and you made it happen — that was what Dell kept saying. But, the way you did it, what you became… I couldn't live with it. I still can't."

"Rahna, I'm not sorry Vyrnnus is dead. I just regret that I was the one to kill him." It was probably not to the best thing to say in a conversation with Rahna. She was a genuinely good person. There wasn't one mean bone in her body. But, this was how he truly felt about Vyrnnus' death, so he said it anyway.

"Yes, and that's why I did not return your calls."

"He broke your arm."

"He did even worse to others there and he should've answered for it properly. It was not your place to act as his judge, jury, and executioner. And yet, somehow you never answered for it. I couldn't sleep for days thinking that a man died because of me. You killed him because he broke my arm. Who does that?"

"I believe Vyrnnus had a combat knife to his face and Kaidan killed him in self-defense. That was also why he didn't have to answer for it. Isn't that right, Lieutenant?" Shepard chimed in, appearing as if out of nowhere.

"Y-Yeah," Kaidan agreed, looking grateful for her intervention. Shepard was right; Rahna might have been the reason Kaidan had stood up to Vyrnnus at first, but he had killed him to protect himself, not her.

"Hi. I'm Commander Jane Shepard. And you are… Rahna, I believe?"

"How do you know?"

"Kaidan and I are good friends and he showed me some pictures of his Brain Camp pals. You're even more beautiful in person," Shepard said, smiling at the taller woman.

"Thank you. It's nice to meet you, Commander Shepard."

"The pleasure is mine, Rahna. Oh, look, my date is missing me already. I'll leave you two to catch up." She winked at Kaidan and walked away, leaving him completely dumbfounded.

"That's  _the_  Jane Shepard? The Hero of the Blitz?"

"Yeah, that's her."

Rahna sighed in relief. "So glad I didn't shake hands with her when she introduced herself. Did you see that footage of the attack on Elysium? Her biotics are not normal. Touching her could've set me off. I don't think it's safe for someone like her to use an amp."

Kaidan would've started an argument with Rahna for saying that if he weren't still dazed by the amount of information Shepard dropped in his lap with just those few sentences. So, they were good friends now? And she was on a date? What did that wink mean?

She had come to him twice already tonight and, unlike him, she had been friendly enough. Now, it was his turn to make a move and let her know he wanted to repair things between them.

"Rahna, I have to go. It was nice talking to you," he said, reaching out to shake her hand and then retreating as he remembered she was avoiding touching other biotics.

"Bye, Danny. Er, Kaidan. I'll see if they found me another table."

* * *

It was only after the toast and dinner that Kaidan had a chance to properly talk to Shepard. Slow songs were playing and she was dancing with Mitra after having danced with her date.

As Kaidan approached them, he heard Mitra say, "Hot single guy at eleven o'clock, Shepard. Maybe you'd like to have the next dance with him?"

She playfully dipped Mitra and they were laughing when she pulled him up. As they parted, she turned, smiling to find out Kaidan was the one waiting for her.

He took her in his arms and they both felt so comfortable in each other's embrace that their lack of rhythm and inability to keep up with the music didn't matter.

"Hey, Shepard."

"Hey, Kaidan."

"Sorry about earlier. I shouldn't have talked to you like that."

"You're mad at me. I get it."

"I'm not. I just want to know why. Why did you disappear, Lisa? I missed you."

"I missed you, too," she said, pulling him closer and tucking her head in the hollow of his neck.

A faint blue glow surrounded them, making his skin tingle. It felt like heaven and he inhaled deeply, breathing her in. His question remained unanswered but, right now, he only wanted one thing and it was for this perfect moment with her to last.

"So, 'good friends'? That's what we are?" he asked softly. It was more than he could hope for after two years without a word from her.

"I don't know. It's up to you, I guess."

"Good friends… yeah, I think I can live with that." His smile widened when he felt her own against his neck.

"'Danny', huh?"

"Don't start. I never liked it, but I never had the heart to tell Rahna that."

"How is she?" Shepard asked.

"She's… changed."

"Haven't we all?"

"Yeah. She's made choices I don't agree with, but she's standing behind them. I think she's going to be fine."

"What about you?"

"I…" He buried his nose in her hair and it was like there was no one else there but them. "I couldn't be better," he whispered and felt her shudder in his arms.

In the back of his mind, he knew he shouldn't try to kiss her tonight, but right now he couldn't remember why.

The song ended and she gave him a peck on the cheek. "Thank you for the dance."

This was it. She was walking away and he had to stop her, to tell her that being good friends wasn't enough, that he wanted to try again.

"Shepard!" A man called, coming over to meet her.

Yeah, right. That was the reason why he shouldn't try to kiss her tonight; she was on a damn date with some other man.

* * *

Benjamin Becker was an Alliance Navy Lieutenant Commander and an N7. He and Shepard had met during training at the vila militar in 2176. He was also her date for Mitra's wedding. After the reception, they went back to their room and he did not look happy.

"So that's why."

"Why what?"

"Why you're keeping me at arm's length. It's because you're in love with that guy you were dancing with."

"How am I keeping you at arm's length, Benjy? We had sex this morning."

"So, you don't deny you're in love with him?"

"Kaidan is a good friend who I hadn't seen in years." Using his first name probably wouldn't help her make her case with Becker though.

"'Kaidan'?" He shook his head, noticing her slip. "You're still not denying it."

"I'm not in love with him," Shepard said, and her lack of conviction surprised even herself.

"For someone who's often working undercover, I'd think you'd be a better liar."

"I am not in love with Kai- Lieutenant Alenko," she insisted, trying not think of how her heart had fluttered in her chest the instant she had laid her eyes on him earlier today. Or, how right it had felt to be in his arms again. Or, how his voice in her ear as they had danced had sent shivers down her spine.

"Everyone stopped to watch you two on the dance floor. I couldn't even get a waiter to bring me a drink. It looked like you and he had melded together in this lumpy blue ghost-like creature. Very bizarre. Children were scared."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "You and I are not in a relationship, Becker. I thought we'd agreed on that."

They had started this affair in their downtime between missions at the vila militar, almost four years ago. The first time they had slept together, it had happened because they had both been drunk, lonely, horny, and available. It had continued because it was easy and uncomplicated — neither wanted a commitment, the sex was good, and they had no problem keeping it separated from their work.

"We did. Yet you asked me to be your date to this wedding at a fancy resort in India."

"We only get three, maybe four weekends together a year; I didn't want to bail on you."

"You just wanted to make sure you were getting laid this weekend after three months of wiping vorcha off of that moon. Admit it, Shepard, you only brought me here for some stress relief. I'm your fuck buddy."

"This was never an issue for you before," she said, and immediately wished she could take it back. If he was this upset about her dancing with another man, things had changed in the way he felt about her.

He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes and sucked in a deep breath. "You know what? You're right. That's why we have to end this; I shouldn't care about who you're in love with. Who you dance with shouldn't bother me. But, now it's starting to, and that's not what we wanted. It's not what we agreed on. So, let's just call it. I'm done. We're done."

She did not argue. As much as she enjoyed his company, keeping this up would be leading him on and she wouldn't do that to anyone, least of all to a friend.

* * *

December 20th, 2182. Arcturus Space Station.

"Well, what about Jarell Turner? Earthborn, but no record of his family, I believe," Ambassador Donnel Udina suggested.

"He doesn't have one. Grew up in an orphanage in Vancouver," Captain David Anderson said.

"He saw his whole unit die on Akuze. He could have some serious emotional scars," Admiral Steven Hackett said.

"Every soldier has scars. Turner's a survivor," Anderson replied. "However, I think Shepard will be a better choice for this mission."

Anderson had been given command of the SSV Normandy — the most advanced frigate in both human and turian fleets. Her development had been a joint effort between the Systems Alliance and the Turian Hierarchy; all paid by the Citadel Council. This would be her first tour and there was no room for failure. The Council was finally trusting humanity with an important mission, and succeeding would give the Alliance enough leverage to push a name forward to join the Council Special Tactics and Reconnaissance group — the Spectres. And, maybe, in the long run, this could get humanity a seat on the Council, too.

That was why Anderson wanted an N7 operative as his Executive Officer. A famous one, preferably. Someone the Council would have no reason to refuse when Anderson recommended him or her to join the Spectres. So, he made an extensive research on the probable candidates, despite knowing from the start who would end up picking.

"Shepard?" Udina asked. "Mindoir's sole survivor?"

"Yes. She knows how tough life can be out there," Anderson said.

Hackett nodded in agreement. "And, she proved herself during the Blitz. Held off the enemy forces on the ground until reinforcements arrived."

"She's the only reason Elysium is still standing," Anderson added. His choice had been made, but he had to indulge Udina and let him think he was part of the decision-making process. He and Hackett needed the ambassador to work on the political aspects of Shepard's nomination for the Spectres.

Udina didn't look convinced. "We can't question her courage, but is she the kind of person we want protecting the galaxy?"

"That's the only kind of person that can protect the galaxy. Humanity needs its heroes. Shepard's the best we've got."

"Hm. I'm afraid I must insist on Turner, Captain," Udina said.

Anderson spared a glance at the time on his tool and decided he had had enough of indulging the ambassador for today. "Discussing this matter with you was just a courtesy, Ambassador. I answer to Admiral Hackett and he gave me full autonomy to choose my team."

Hackett exchanged a look with Anderson, pleased to see the captain putting the ambassador in his place. "Very well. Shepard it is, then. I'll let her know," he said.

Udina was a humanity enthusiast and Anderson was sure he would campaign day-in and day-out to get the Council on board with the idea of a human Spectre, even if Shepard wasn't the ambassador's top pick for the position.

* * *

December 31st, 2182. Ambleside Beach, Vancouver.

"I didn't expect you to be here."

"I didn't think you were still coming."

"I… I've never stopped coming, Shepard," Kaidan replied and turned to face the ocean until he could get a handle on his emotions. Meeting her on this beach again after all these years was a dream come true, but it didn't change the fact that he was still disappointed with her for having disappeared, and then for dodging his questions at Mitra's wedding.

They might have taken a step in the right direction that day, but he still thought he deserved an explanation.

"Beer?" she offered after a long silence, raising the six-pack she had brought closer to his eye level.

"I'm good." He grabbed a bottle of whisky that had been half-buried next to him in the sand.

"Something stronger isn't a bad idea. Can I have some?"

Without a word, he passed her the bottle and she drank a large gulp. "When did you switch to whisky?" she asked, handing him the bottle back. Their made up New Year's Eve tradition had been to have a  _beer_  together on the beach.

"When you stopped calling."

Another silence, heavy and tense, stretched out for minutes before Shepard spoke. "They were sending me on longer missions. Riskier ones. I didn't want you to worry about me. I didn't want you to miss me if… things went wrong."

He swallowed hard. Just thinking that she had been worried about dying alone out there and that she hadn't wanted anyone to suffer for her, it hurt too much. She didn't understand, did she? That she could be gone for a hundred years and he would still miss her every single day.

With a sigh, she continued, "And, I needed to get over you and move on with my life."

Of course. He didn't know what exactly he had been expecting from her after she had come up to him at the wedding and said they were friends. He shouldn't have been expecting anything but friendship. However, he never could give up on her completely. By showing up here today, she had given him hope that she might still care about him in the same way he cared about her. Now, she had just crushed that hope all over again. "That's why you're back here. Because you're over me. You've moved on," he said, eyes still fixed on the ocean, wondering if she had brought her boyfriend along tonight, too.

"I… haven't.  _That_ 's why I'm back here."

Her reply caught him by surprise and he didn't know what to say. "Shepard…"

People all around them started the countdown to the New Year while Lisa and Kaidan just stared at each other. The beach exploded in cheers, and fireworks painted the sky, and they were still staring. Kaidan was afraid to speak, to move, even to smile, because he didn't want to break this moment.

"There's one more thing I have to do. One more tour. And I can't have any distractions; I need to be on top of my game. I owe it to Anderson to give all I can to this mission."

Kaidan broke eye contact, looking down. A shadow crossed his features as he got ready to be shot down again.

"But, if you're willing to wait for me… One more tour. That's all I'm asking. And then we'll be together, if you still want me. We'll make it work. I promise I won't give up on us again. They have housing facilities at The Villa for all N7s. I have my own place there. It's small, but probably bigger than your apartment at the officers' quarters on Arcturus. We could..."

"Wait, do you want to...?"

"Or, we could stay at your apartment. If I'm still stationed on a ship after this tour, living on Arcturus would be more convenient than on Earth."

A small smile crept up on his face, shy but content. He could barely believe this was really happening. "You want to move in together."

"I, I… Yes. There's no one I'd rather be with, Kaidan. You're the only one for me. You've always been, from the moment you first touched me, the way I felt, the way you still make me feel..."

Closing his eyes as a shiver racked his body, he took a deep breath and then exhaled with a sigh of relief. "Lisa… I'll wait as long as it takes if you get to come home to me in the end. I never gave up on us." He put his hand in his pocket and took out her name necklace. She reached for it, but he pulled back, fist clenched around it. "I… Can I hold on to it?"

She nodded. "All this time, did you have it on you?"

"Every day," he said, blushing a little. Putting the necklace back in his pocket, he rubbed his headjack.

Tears welled up in her eyes and she looked away, trying to keep them from falling. "Thank you," she said, "for keeping it safe."

He wanted to kiss her, to tell her that he loved her, that throughout all these years he had never stopped loving her. But, he couldn't do it; he had to respect her wishes. One more tour. No distractions. They would have the rest of their lives to be together afterwards.


	36. Smoke and Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretending the events of the comic He Who Laughs Best never happened, because in my opinion they don't make sense.

January 13th, 2183. Arcturus Space Station.

"Captain," Shepard saluted Anderson. "It'll be a pleasure working with you again."

"I've been looking forward to it, too, Commander," he replied and they smiled at each other.

"Have you decided on the rest of the crew, sir?"

"Most of it, yes. I've already requested the transfer of Navigator Charles Pressly from the Agincourt, engineer Greg Adams from the Tokyo, and Doctor Karin Chakwas from the Hastings."

"It sounds like there'll be a lot of pissed off COs out there, sir."

"Well, they can complain to Admiral Hackett if they want, but I doubt they will. Everyone knows how important it is that we succeed in this mission. The Council will keep a close watch on us. They're even sending a Spectre on board — Nihlus Kryik."

"A turian? It figures the Council wouldn't want to leave the most advanced ship in the galaxy in human hands only."

"It's their right, Shepard. The Normandy was built with their funds and turian technology. Now, I'd like to discuss with you some of the names I have lined up for other positions."

"Of course, sir."

"To be the head of our marine detail, how about Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko?"

"Two biotics on one ship, sir?" She didn't know how she felt about the possibility of serving with Kaidan. Would she be able to keep her feelings out of the way? Would he? Of one thing she was sure — his presence there would make it harder for her to keep up with her 'no distractions' resolution for this tour.

"Admiral Hackett made no restrictions on who I could recruit and I want only the best on my team, Commander. Alenko's been head of the marine detail on the Agincourt for over two years now; I'm sure he'll do a good job on the Normandy"

"I've never served with Kai- Lieutenant Alenko before, sir." Being stationed on the Normandy would be big to any officer's career; she couldn't take this opportunity away from Kaidan just because she might have trouble keeping it in her pants. "But, I'm sure he'll be a great addition to the team. I've never met another biotic as powerful as he is."

"Good. It's settled then; I'll request his transfer. Would you like to inform him or should I?"

Shepard didn't want Kaidan to think she had gotten him this post. This was a result of the good work he'd been doing and Captain Anderson calling him would show him that. "You go ahead, sir."

* * *

January 20th, 2183

Kaidan thought he would be meeting at least part of the Normandy crew for their first mission briefing. Instead, it was just he and Captain Anderson in a sealed room. The captain was probably worried about him being an L2. This was a matter he had had to discuss with every CO he had ever had.

"Alenko, I'm going to need you to keep an eye on Shepard for me. I think she might have a bit of an issue with aliens."

That couldn't be further from the direction Kaidan had expected this conversation to take. "Aliens, sir?"

"Well… maybe not all aliens, but is she or is she not keeping score of her confrontations with batarians?"

"I don't know anything about that, sir," Kaidan said, the small lie rolling off his tongue easily, as if it were nothing. He hadn't even started serving under her yet, but it seemed she already had his unconditional loyalty.

"She'll be in charge of the ground team and, as the head of the marine detail, whenever you go planetside, you'll be her second in command," Anderson continued. "When she makes a call, it has to be for the right reasons. All eyes will be on her and on this mission and I need you to make sure her head is in the right place. Don't let her forget who we are and what we're fighting for."

"I thought this was just a shakedown run, sir."

"It is not, but, for now, that's all I can tell you. Don't mention anything to the others."

"Understood, sir."

"Just keep an eye on her, Alenko," Anderson reinforced his order before sending Kaidan away.

"Will do, sir."

Kaidan left and went straight to his apartment in the officers' quarters. The SSV Normandy would be docked for a few more days until the rest of the crew arrived, which meant he could enjoy a real bed for a few more nights. The sleeper pods on Alliance ships were usually awful and, even though the Normandy was a state-of-the-art vessel, he doubted the sleeping conditions had been significantly improved.

He wondered about Shepard and where she would be staying. Maybe she'd rather come over to his place, so he called her.

"Hey, Kaidan. Anderson told me you had arrived."

"He's worried about you."

She rolled her eyes. "Tell him I do not have a problem with aliens."

It amused him that she knew what he was talking about before he had even said it. Anderson seemed like a good CO and he seemed to know Shepard well; they must have discussed this matter already. "You're not keeping score against batarians anymore?"

Her expression hardened. "That's… that's different."

"How?"

"Look, Kaidan, I'm busy. Can't we talk about this some other time?"

"You're dodging the question, Shepard."

"I really have to go now."

"Wait." He couldn't let her hang up when the real reason he had called her hadn't even been addressed yet. "Where are you staying?"

"On the ship. Why?"

"You could come over and stay here,"  _with me,_  "at my apartment."

"We'll be starting our tour together in a week and there are rules against fraternization."

"I'm asking as a friend." His worry about her comfort was genuine. If she came over and didn't want to share the bed with him, he would sleep on the couch. And, he would be happy to do it, if it meant she would get a good night's sleep.

Shepard lowered her eyes and sighed. "It's really hard to say no to you, Kaidan."

She was afraid she wouldn't be able to do this. How was she supposed to spend months on a ship with Kaidan and be professional at all times? He was going to be the head of her marine detail; she couldn't just avoid her Staff Lieutenant. They were probably going to work out together, eat together, train together, and sleep only a few meters from each other, too.

"Then don't."

But, she would have to. She owed it to Anderson to give the best of herself to this mission and she would not break the rules on his ship. "I can't. One more tour."

"No distractions," he finished, for her, the sentence she had been repeating like a mantra. "I know, and I won't push it."

"Thank you. See you at the briefing."

* * *

January 27th, 2183

Docking Bay 2B on Arcturus was bustling with activity. The SSV Normandy was about to depart from the space station, and the Systems Alliance command, reporters, and representatives from the Citadel Council and the Turian Hierarchy had come to witness this historic moment of cooperation between species. Turian and human relations had really come a long way since the First Contact War.

At Captain Anderson's signal, the helmsman — the smug, young, and talented Jeff 'Joker' Moreau — took the ship smoothly into the air and flew them off the station. As they headed to the mass relay, Joker announced an impressive ETA of three hours to Eden Prime on the Exodus Cluster. The Normandy really was the best ship in the fleet; four times faster than a passenger shuttle and almost two times faster than an Alliance cruiser.

As they got closer to the planet, the Normandy picked up a weird transmission from an Alliance squad stationed in the colony. Minutes after Joker had forwarded it to Anderson, Kaidan felt rather than saw Shepard coming up behind him in the cockpit. The innovative Tantalus drive core of the ship was powered by element zero, which heightened the buzz of their biotics.

"Kaidan, I want you and Jenkins to suit up and meet me in the comm room in ten for a mission briefing. We're going groundside."

"Aye aye, ma'am."

As she walked away, the sentinel found himself looking forward to the briefing. He and Shepard had barely spent any time together since he had arrived on Arcturus. They had to keep things between them strictly professional while serving together, so she had been keeping her distance. It was the right thing to do, but it didn't mean he didn't miss her.

"So, you and the commander are close, huh?" Joker asked, sparing him a sideways glance.

"We've known each other for a long time."

"I bet you have, ' _Kaidan_ '."

He would have to talk to Shepard about this later and remind her not to use his first name whenever they were on duty. "It was just a minor slip. I'm sure it won't happen again," Kaidan said, going for casual instead of defensive, so the helmsman wouldn't have his suspicions confirmed.

* * *

Alenko stayed behind in the comm room with Shepard after Jenkins left after their mission briefing.

"Is there anything else you want, Kaidan?" the commander asked.

"You shouldn't call me by my first name, ma'am. It's inappropriate."

She looked at him as if he were talking crazy. "There's no one here."

"You didn't do it just now."

Crossing her arms in front of her chest, she raised one intrigued eyebrow at him. "Do you want me to call you Alenko? Is that it?"

He nodded. "Lieutenant Alenko." The look on her face turned almost indignant, so he quickly added, "Or, just Alenko. Ma'am."

"I'm not doing that. Alenko is your father. You're Kaidan."

In hindsight, he probably should have dropped this. If the crew started teasing him for his familiarity with Shepard, he would deal with it. But, instead, he insisted. "This is not how it works,  _commander_."

" _I_  say how it works, Kaidan. This is my mission. Go get ready. We'll meet in the hangar deck in five."

"Commander –"

"Dismissed."

* * *

After he was gone, Shepard thought that he had meant well and that she might have been too harsh on him. Maybe Major Nascimento had rubbed off on her more than she had been willing to admit. Of one thing she was sure — serving with Kaidan was a lot harder than she had imagined it would be. And they had only been on the same ship for a few hours.

She didn't want to treat him differently than any other soldier under her command but, at the same time, she couldn't look at him as just a subordinate.

Dragging her hands through her hair, she sighed tiredly. This tour was going to be a lot more complicated than she had anticipated.

* * *

Eden Prime smelled like smoke and death. Ten minutes planetside and they had already lost a man.

In over two years as head of the marine detail on the Agincourt, Kaidan had never lost a soldier. The fact that Jenkins had been killed in action when they had barely started this mission showed how critical the situation they were stepping into was.

Shepard ordered Kaidan to save the coordinates of the body on his tool and took Jenkins' dog tags in case things went completely FUBAR and they couldn't return to retrieve him.

"We'll see that he receives a proper service, but right now I need you to stay focused," she said, looking Kaidan straight in the eyes.

He was a bit surprised at how flat she sounded and how unaffected she looked. He wished he were this good at compartmentalizing, but he knew that talent didn't come cheap. There was no one he knew who was more familiar with loss than Shepard. Fate had not been kind to her.

This, and the argument they had had earlier today in the comm room, showed him how much the years they had spent apart had changed her. She had matured, grown stronger and more assertive, but also become more removed and authoritative.

"Aye aye, ma'am," he said, steeling himself and getting ready to move on. It was just the two of them now, and he needed to be on top of his game. He was not going to fail her.

As the enemies came at them, he did not hold back, unleashing his biotics on them with full force. Shepard, too, was meeting the husks and the geth head on. Forget taking cover and assessing the situation; she was on fire, running across the battlefield like a goddess made of light and rage. Either she was too confident, or Jenkins' death and all those dead civilians they had come across had affected her after all.

* * *

Ashley Williams had just met Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko and Commander Jane Shepard, but she could already tell there was something deeper than a professional relationship going on between them. That much was clear from the terrified scream that tore from Shepard's throat as Kaidan had gotten trapped by the beacon; from the way she had pushed him out of harm's way and taken his place without a moment's hesitation; from how guilty and tortured he had looked at not being able to save her like she had saved him; and from the careful and loving way he had lifted her unconscious body into his arms, pressing her against his chest and whispering apologies and pleas for her to be okay as they had waited for extraction.

The captain of their ship didn't sound pleased to hear his XO needed medical attention and that the prothean beacon had been destroyed. When the frigate arrived, he was waiting on the boarding ramp with a doctor and a couple of marines carrying a stretcher. Kaidan gingerly settled Shepard down on the stretcher and followed her with his eyes as she was carried away.

"Alenko, I expect a full report on the mission ASAP. Leave nothing out. Every detail matters in a situation like this," Anderson said.

"Aye aye, sir," Kaidan replied. "I think I'm in no position to make any requests, sir, but I'd still like to ask you to consider adding Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams to the Normandy's crew."

"We'll talk about that later, Alenko." Anderson turned to Ashley, "Williams, for now you can ride with us."

"Thank you, sir." She hoped Anderson would take Alenko's suggestion into consideration; getting a posting on this ship would be the best thing to ever happen to her. She needed this chance to prove herself.

"Sir, one more thing — these are the coordinates for Nihlus and Jenkins' bodies." Kaidan sent the data to Anderson's tool.

"I'll send a team to retrieve them and I'll give the news to Jenkins' family before we leave Eden Prime's orbit; they'll probably want to bury him here. Well done, Lieutenant."

"Thank you, sir."

Ashley had never seen anyone look more dejected and less proud to receive a compliment than Alenko did right now. The man was devastated.

"I'm going to check on our XO. Dismissed," the captain said.

* * *

January 28th, 2183

Doctor Karin Chakwas was starting to worry about Lieutenant Alenko. Individuals with biotic abilities needed to eat properly and needed to be well rested, especially L2s. But, Alenko practically hadn't left the medbay, and Commander Shepard's side, for the past fifteen hours. He had written his mission report there, he had eaten one meal, and he had slept in the doctor's chair for an hour or so. Keeping this up wouldn't be good for him.

Captain Anderson was coming by for an update, and Chakwas decided to meet him out in the mess.

"Doctor, how is she?"

"Still unconscious. Physically, she's fine. But, I detected some unusual brain activity, abnormal beta waves."

"That's unfortunate. Shepard's crucial for this mission. Soldiers like her are rare. Women like her… even more rare. She's a hero and… she's dear to me."

"It seems Lieutenant Alenko feels the same way about her, captain," Chakwas said, looking at Kaidan through the window and noticing he had taken advantage of being alone in the room with Shepard to take her hand in his.

"They are close. His parents fostered her after she lost her family in the attack on Mindoir."

"He is her foster brother, then."

"I'm afraid it's more complicated than that, doctor."

"Spare me the details, captain. The less I know the better. I don't like being called in by the brass to testify against marines in disciplinary hearings. What these kids do in their downtime between missions is none of my business."

"They're both career soldiers; they know better than to break regulations. You don't have to worry about them."

"Doctor? Doctor Chakwas! I think she's waking up," Kaidan called from the medbay door.

Chakwas and Anderson went inside to find Shepard already sitting up and giving Kaidan a dressing down.

"You were careless, Kai- lieutenant. The safety protocol for dealing with unknown alien technology exists for a reason. You should have followed it."

"I'm sorry, commander. It won't happen again," Alenko said, his tone civil, but strained.

"Dismissed."

Kaidan walked out looking tense and upset. Chakwas had a feeling this argument wasn't over.

"See, doctor? I told you you didn't have to worry about them. Being a marine comes first. They're professionals and they'll follow the rules," Anderson muttered to Chakwas as they approached Shepard's cot.

The doctor thought that, with these two, and the tension they had left in the room just now, not breaking the rules might only be making things worse.

* * *

Kaidan went straight to the showers, wishing he could wash off this last day, too. How could a mission that had appeared so simple at first, have turned so quickly into such a complete mess? Rescuing Ashley Williams and bringing her to the ship was the one good thing that had happened the whole day. Everything else had been a nightmare of epic proportions: a dead crewmember; geth invading; people being turned into husks; Nihlus being killed by another Spectre; and a train station rigged with explosives.

To top it all off, Shepard had saved him from the beacon at the expense of her own health and well-being. The last fifteen hours had been the worst of his life, just waiting, without knowing if she would ever wake up and if the beacon had caused any permanent damage. The readings of her brain activity on the monitors had been abnormal and worrisome the entire time.

It seemed she was going to be okay now, but he still didn't know what exactly had happened to her.

He came out of the shower just in time to hear Joker announce over the comm an ETA of five hours to the Citadel. Captain Anderson was probably going to report to the Council and warn them about Saren having gone rogue.

Kaidan had always wanted to visit the Citadel but, right at this moment, he couldn't find it in himself to get excited about it. With a towel wrapped around his waist, he looked at his reflection in the mirror above the row of sinks. There were dark circles under his eyes and his stubble was already showing. He needed to be prepared in case Anderson wanted him in the shore party, which meant he had less than five hours to shave, eat, get some rest, and then suit up again. It wasn't ideal, but he would make it work.

The door to the bathroom swished open and Shepard came in carrying a towel. She stopped in the middle of removing her shirt and then pulled it back down when she saw him in there. "Kaidan? Hey."

"Commander." Even though she had seen him naked countless times before and he still had a towel around his waist, right now he was feeling more naked than ever. If she weren't standing between him and the locker with his clothes and other personal items, he would be getting dressed as fast as possible.

"Thank you," she said, "for carrying me back to the ship and for staying by my side while I was out. Doctor Chakwas told me. I appreciate it."

He was disappointed in himself for having failed her; he was upset with her for having given him a dressing down in front of the captain and then dismissing him without giving him the chance to say anything; he was exhausted. But, when he spoke, his tone betrayed no emotion, good or bad. "It was the least I could do, commander."

"Williams was reassigned to the Normandy. I thought you might like to know. Anderson said you were the one who recommended her."

"That is good to know, commander."

"It was the right call. Williams's a good soldier and she deserves it. Thank you for stepping up when I was unable to."

"No problem, commander."

She checked all the toilet and shower stalls to make sure they were alone and then locked the door. Kaidan didn't know what to make of it. She was the XO; a door she locked using her clearance could only be opened by either herself or the captain.

Standing in front of him again, she looked down and licked her lips. "Kaidan, look, I'm sorry if I was too harsh with you earlier."

"I deserved it, ma'am."

Calling her  _ma'am_  when she had just used his first name made her wince. He could practically feel her distancing herself from him again. The discrepancy between the cold professionalism he was trying to maintain and her friendliness and informality was creating a pit between them.

 _No distractions_  — that was what she had told him. But, then she had insisted on calling him by his first name. And, then again, she had scolded him in the medbay as if he were just another marine to her. And, now, she was trying to ease the tension she herself had created between them and apologizing to him as if he were her equal and not a subordinate. He was tired and confused and had no idea of what she wanted from him anymore.

"It was not your fault," she said. "Dead marines. Dead Spectre. Dead civilians. And, in the end, we still didn't get that beacon. The mission failed. I failed. Anderson needed this to be a success. Humanity needed this, and I fucking failed."

She looked miserable. He might not know what exactly she wanted from him, but cold professionalism was only making things worse; he needed to try something different.

"Shepard –"

"Jenkins was just a kid. I knew he was excited to see some action; I should've kept an eye on him."

"You did everything right. It was just bad luck."

She shook her head, not buying it. "I'm sorry that you got dragged into this mess."

Kaidan took a step towards her. "Do not apologize, Shepard. There's nowhere I'd rather be."

Her gaze finally moved from the floor to meet his again, stricken with pain and uncertainty. "Something happened to me, Kaidan. The beacon… the beacon messed with my head."

The sentinel paled.  _Nonononononono. What have I done?_  He needed her to be fine, or he wouldn't be able to live with himself.

"I don't want you to feel guilty. I just need someone to talk to. While I was out, it was like I was trapped in this… nightmare. Synthetics killing organics, nothing but death and destruction…" She took a deep breath, eyes glistening with the threat of tears. "There was so much pain and despair, and I felt it. I felt it all inside me, tearing me apart."

"Shepard…"

"I can't afford to be having nightmares again. It was hard enough to beat them after Mindoir. They almost ruined me."

"Not this time. We'll figure this out. I'm here for you." He pulled her into his embrace and she buried her face in the hollow of his neck."You're not alone, Lisa." There was nothing he wouldn't do to help her get through this.

The tension on her shoulders was noticeable and her biotics were in turmoil, so he enveloped her with his own much more controlled energy field, hoping it would help calm her down.

"I'll link the feed from your suit to my tool; that way, I can keep a close watch on your stress levels and see if there's anything else out of the ordinary," he told her. "Do you think you can ask Dr. Chakwas to send me your medical files?"

"I'll ask her."

After a few minutes, she pulled away from him looking a lot more collected. He instantly missed the exciting buzz of her biotics and the inviting warmth of her body and wished he could just pull her back into his arms.

"I'm going to reassign the sleeper pods so we're side by side. If you notice a surge of dark energy or any agitation coming from my pod, you wake me up. Do you think you can do that?"

"Of course, Shepard," he replied with a small smile.

"Thank you, Kaidan. I'm glad you're here."

For an instant, they stared quietly at each other. She was the one who broke the moment, clearing her throat to recompose herself after letting her gaze wander down his bare chest and getting all flustered. "I'm going to head to the shower. You…," she sighed, and released the lock on the door, "better get dressed."


	37. Big Place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've used, and will continue using, lines from the games every now and then, but only when I have something new to add to the scene and dialogue. As I've said before, this is not going to turn into a game walkthrough fic.
> 
> Thank you to Suilven, my dear friend and beta, and to my readers. If you've got time, leave me a comment. I really appreciate it. :)

* * *

"Hey, lieutenant, put your tongue back in your mouth before you trip on it," Ash teased Kaidan for checking out the dancers in Chora's Den.

"What? I-I'm not… I was not," he stammered, all flustered as Shepard spared him a glance. "Why would you say that?" he muttered angrily to Ashley once the commander turned her attention to some turian general.

"I just wanted to be sure," Ashley said.

"Sure of what?"

"That you and the commander were an item."

"We're not."

She chuckled. "Oh, my God, LT! You're a terrible liar! You were worried that she might have thought you were checking out other women. You even tried to explain yourself. You loooove her," Ash whispered.

"I, uh, I…" Kaidan didn't know what to say.

"Oh, no. LT, I'm so sorry." Ash's expression and tone turned serious for once. "You really are together, aren't you? Did I get you in trouble? I didn't mean to. I'll fix this."

She looked so determined that it got Kaidan worried. Williams was getting too comfortable with her superior officers. He and Shepard couldn't afford to have people thinking they were breaking the fraternization regs, especially when they weren't. Their life together had been postponed for this mission. They had put their careers first, which was already causing them enough heartache. If they got in trouble with the brass for an infraction they hadn't even committed, then it would all have been for nothing.

"I'd rather you just dropped it, chief," he said, following Shepard as she went over to meet Harkin.

"Hey there, sweetheart," the former C-Sec officer said, checking Shepard out from head to toe. "You looking for some fun? 'Cause I gotta say that soldier getup looks real good on that body of yours. Why don't you sit your little ass down beside old Harkin? Have a drink and we'll see where this goes."

Ashley nudged Kaidan with her elbow, egging him on to do something about the former C-Sec officer. Not that he didn't want to, but Shepard seemed to have it under control. She sat down on a chair facing Harkin and signaled Ashley and Kaidan to flank him.

The two marines assumed their positions, crowding Harkin and staring at him with their arms crossed. It was a basic, but effective, intimidation technique, and Harkin fell in line, giving them the information they wanted.

The man even spilled some gossip about Captain Anderson. Kaidan was ready to call bullshit on it, but Shepard didn't seem so ready to dismiss the information. She looked upset, and he wished he could talk to her about it, but he didn't want to do it in front of Ashley.

Hopefully, before the day was over, he would get some time alone with her.

* * *

Shepard was having a bad day. It had been one blow after another. The Council had disregarded her warnings about Saren having gone rogue; Anderson had been cut out of the investigation because of his history with the turian Spectre; assassins had tried to ambush her outside Chora's Den, and everyone seemed to want something from her. Her reputation preceded her, and people had no qualms asking her to do them favors. Apparently, they thought there was no problem the Hero of the Blitz couldn't solve.

After the mess that had been her first mission as Anderson's XO, she needed a win; she needed to prove Saren was a traitor. This would restore the Council's faith in the Normandy team and it would make the mission on Eden Prime seem less like a failure.

She had spent the whole day following leads, and had even made an unlikely ally in a krogan bounty hunter. She wasn't the only one interested in bringing Saren down.

As they were heading to Dr. Michel's med clinic, trying to track down another possible ally, she heard a voice that she would recognize anywhere and that put a smile on her face.

"Shepard! Over here!"

"Emily!"

The two friends hugged, and Lisa sent Ashley and the krogan to the clinic while she and Kaidan talked to Wong. The reporter was looking for a big scoop and seemed to have been sniffing around some dangerous stuff.

Shepard was worried for her old friend, and promised to pass along any newsworthy information she came across during her investigation as long as Emily promised to stay out of trouble.

Meeting Emily had been the highlight of her day so far. She would've stayed and talked longer if she hadn't heard shots being fired from the clinic.

"Kaidan, get her to safety," she yelled, already rushing to provide backup to Williams and Wrex.

"Shooting in the Wards! That's a big story; I have to cover it," Emily protested as Kaidan dragged her away from the area.

"Shepard will give you all the information you need about it later. Right now we have to go."

As he put Emily safely in a Rapid Transit out of there, he realized he didn't like being left behind while Shepard ran into combat.

"Commander, what's the situation?" he asked on the comm.

"Under control. How's Emily?"

"She's safe."

"Thank you, lieutenant. We're heading back to Chora's Den. Meet us there."

* * *

It was too late in the evening when they got the evidence against Saren from the quarian. The Council wouldn't see them at this hour, so Shepard told everyone to meet her at the Citadel Tower in the morning and sent them on their way. To assure the quarian would be safe, she arranged for her to sleep on the Normandy.

"Aren't you coming, commander?" Kaidan asked when Shepard stayed behind as Williams left to escort the quarian to the ship.

"I'm spending the night at Emily's. She sent me a message asking me to come over."

Kaidan watched her go, despite wanting to stop her. This would be her first real night's sleep after the beacon. She seemed tense and tired; a bed would be better for her than a sleeper pod. But, at the same time, if she had a nightmare, he wouldn't be there for her.

"I'll be fine," she reassured him as she got into a cab.

It didn't keep him from worrying about her, though. The look on her face after she had heard the recording with Saren and a female voice talking about the Reapers, the way she had lowered her head to her hands, eyes screwed shut…

" _That's what I saw,"_ she had said, _"the Protheans being wiped out by the Reapers. That's what my vision was."_

No wonder she had been so distraught after waking up from that beacon-induced coma.

* * *

January 29th, 2183

Somehow, Shepard looked worse this morning than she had yesterday. Kaidan wanted to ask her if she had had trouble sleeping, but he wasn't going to do that in front of all these people — Anderson, Udina, Williams, Tali'Zorah, Wrex, and Garrus; they had all come to the meeting with the Council.

The Councilors accepted the evidence against Saren and Shepard offered to bring the former Spectre to justice herself.

It suddenly became clear why Anderson had put Shepard in charge of the mission on Eden Prime and why Nihlus Kryik had been aboard the Normandy. It was all part of a strategy to get the marine accepted into the Spectres.

"Commander Shepard, please, step forward," the asari councilor said.

This was it. Shepard was going to become a Spectre and Kaidan couldn't think of anyone more deserving of that title and honor than her.

"No!" Udina yelled, causing everyone to turn and look at him in shock. "Councilors, this is an event of great importance for the human race. We need to call the press, invite our leaders and a few dignitaries, both human and from other species. I request we postpone the ceremony until tomorrow."

Shepard turned to Udina with gritted teeth and narrowed eyes. "I don't have time for this, ambassador. Every second we waste, Saren is out there, unopposed, and getting closer to his objective."

"Very well. We'll continue tomorrow morning. It'll be the first act in our schedule," the asari councilor said. "This meeting of the Council is adjourned."

"Fuck!" Shepard muttered under her breath.

"Thank you, councilors," Udina said, and then turned to Shepard. "In the meantime, we've got a lot of work to do. You're going to need a ship, a crew, supplies. Anderson and I will take care of it. After the ceremony tomorrow, you'll be ready to leave."

Fuming, Shepard left the Tower with Ashley and Kaidan on her heels. As they waited for the Rapid Transit, Tali, Wrex, and Garrus caught up with them. Everyone got in the same car and got off at the same stop as Shepard, in the Kithoi Ward.

"Are you following me?" she asked the aliens.

"The Pilgrimage proves we are willing to give of ourselves for the greater good. What does it say about me if I turn my back on this? Saren is a danger to the entire galaxy and I want to help you stop him," Tali said.

"Seek the enemy of your enemy and you'll find a friend," Wrex said.

"I want to bring Saren down as much as you do," Garrus said.

"All right. We leave tomorrow after the ceremony. Go pack, get supplies, everything you might need. I'm sure no ship Udina and Anderson might get me will be stocked with dextro food and medication. Or enough meat to feed a krogan."

Once the aliens were gone, Ashley voiced her concerns to the commander about having them on board.

"As far as I know, chief, you're stationed on the Normandy and that's still Captain Anderson's command. So, I don't see how it's any of your business whoever I'm bringing with me on whichever ship they give me," Shepard replied, surprising Kaidan with how sour and rude she sounded.

"I'm sorry, ma'am. Maybe I should go back to my post, then," Ashley said.

"You go ahead, Williams."

As the women went their separate ways, Kaidan followed Shepard. Something wasn't right with her. She was walking fast towards some dingy bar and he stopped her by grabbing her arm before she could go in.

"What?" she snapped, yanking her arm out of his grasp and spinning on her heels to face him.

"Can we talk?"

"Shouldn't you go back to your post, too?"

"You're not pushing me away, Shepard. Tell me what's going on. We're on duty, but you're going into a bar at 9 in the morning. I want to know why."

"I'm not on duty. I'm not part of Anderson's team anymore."

"You're going to have your own command and ship. Isn't that what you've always wanted?"

"Yes. That's not the problem."

"Then tell me what it is."

The angry lines on her face softened slightly, but she still looked reluctant. Kaidan wasn't going to drop it, and he stared at her, waiting until she finally gave in.

"Fine. Emily's apartment is nearby. Come on." Making a gesture with her head for him to follow her, she led the way to an apartment building a few meters ahead.

The reporter wasn't there, but Shepard was feeling at home enough to let herself in and pour them two glasses of whisky.

"I'm on duty," Kaidan said, despite having taken the glass.

"No, you're not. Anderson messaged me saying you sent him a request to be transferred to my command the instant we left the Tower. He's already acquiesced."

Kaidan rubbed the headjack on the back of his neck, a small shy smile on his lips. "Look, Shepard, I know we can't be together if we're serving on the same ship, but I'm not leaving you alone to deal with this. I've got your back."

"Thank you." She clinked her glass together with his and took a swig.

"Now, tell me what happened. What got you so upset?"

Shepard sucked in a deep breath and looked down, a dejected look on her face. "Sha'ira, the Consort. I went to see her this morning, before the meeting with the Council. It was just to let her know I had sorted out that mess she had gotten into with the turian general and the elcor ambassador. But, then she did something to me…" Shepard trailed off and Kaidan took her hand to encourage her. He wished they weren't wearing armor, so he could lace their fingers together and feel her skin.

"She got inside my head. I wasn't expecting it. I didn't even know asari could do that. And so soon after the beacon… It made me feel wrong, weak, vulnerable." She downed the rest of her drink and poured herself another dose.

"You're the strongest person I know, Shepard."

Shaking her head as if she didn't believe him, she sat slumped on the couch. "I have a bad feeling about this mission. We've barely even started and so much has gone wrong already."

Kaidan sat down by her side and touched her shoulder to make her look at him. "I know that it feels like we started off on the wrong foot, but we can turn things around. The Council is backing us now, you're going to have your own ship, and you're going to be a Spectre. That will open a lot of doors."

"I hope you're right," she said with a heavy sigh.

They drank in companionable silence for a while until Kaidan spoke again. "The Consort, how did you stop her? Did you, uh… shoot her?"

"No. I didn't even know what was happening. It was like nothing existed around me and I was trapped in this… void."

"How did you get out?"

"She let me go. She said she saw a lot of pain and loss in me. I guess she was trying to make me feel better, but… it didn't work. Did you know asari could do that?"

"Connect minds? Yeah, I've heard of it."

"That's… messed up. Glad there won't be any of them on my ship. A turian, a krogan, and a quarian… I'd say that's enough aliens."

"Commander, about that… you might want to apologize to the chief."

"Yeah, you're probably right. I'll talk to her."

Kaidan got up, set his and Shepard's glasses down on the coffee table, and offered her a hand. "Now, how about we go get some supplies for your new ship?"

Finally, there was a smile on her face; she looked so beautiful, he couldn't take his eyes off of her. When he pulled her up, she didn't let go of his hand.

"Thank you," she said, her hand squeezing his, her eyes boring into his soul, "for making me feel better."

They were standing so close, it made his heart start racing in his chest. He wished he could just take her in his arms and that they could spend the rest of the day in that apartment.

"You can count on me, Shepard." His voice was low and husky, in that tone she loved and that was usually reserved for more intimate moments. He felt so drawn to her, he couldn't help leaning in a little bit closer.

She licked her lips, eyes still fixed on his. They both wanted too much to close that short gap between them; there was no stopping them.

The door swished open and they jumped, quickly separating and sheepishly looking away, as if they were kids that had been caught doing something wrong.

"Oh, my God. I'm so sorry," said a mortified Emily, standing in the doorway. "I didn't mean to interrupt. I'll come back later. You two lovebirds have fun!"

"Emily, wait! We were just leaving." Shepard rushed after the reporter as she started walking away. Sighing, Kaidan followed.

"I just needed to pick up a couple of OSDs I had left here. It's nothing urgent. You can have the apartment," Emily said.

"Thanks, but we really do have to go." Shepard got ahead of her friend and called the elevator. "Come by the Citadel Tower tomorrow at eight and I'll get you an exclusive with the first human Spectre," she said and winked at Emily.

"Seriously? Is it you? It's you, right?"

"Yeah."

Eyes wide with excitement, Emily threw her arms around Shepard, who hugged her back. "That's wonderful! Congratulations! You're going to do great!"

"Thank you, Emz."

When the elevator arrived, the marines got in.

"What about tonight? Are you coming over again?" Emily asked before the door closed.

Shepard shot a look at Kaidan, who did not return it, keeping his head down instead. He knew what her answer would be and he didn't want to make things harder for her. As much as he would love to spend the night with her, he knew they shouldn't.

"Yeah," the commander said.

As the door closed, she turned to him. "It's for the best."

"I know," he replied, now meeting her gaze. She didn't have to explain herself to him; he understood. But, it didn't mean that he didn't want to push her against the elevator wall and crash his body and mouth against hers.

She sucked in a deep breath and fussed with the collar of her armor as if it had suddenly started to feel too hot and tight. "Gosh, Kaidan, if you don't stop looking at me like that…"

Facing straight ahead, he smiled and said, "Sorry… commander. You're pretty hard to step away from."

"You, too… lieutenant."

* * *

January 30th, 2183

Shepard decided she had had enough of politicians for a lifetime. It was surprising how many of them Udina had managed to gather in such a short time to attend the ceremony of her induction into the Spectres, and they all wanted to take pictures with her afterwards.

Udina also took the opportunity to announce that her ship would be none other than the SSV Normandy. Anderson was stepping down, and freely handing her his ship and the crew he had so carefully assembled.

While many cheered, Shepard felt her stomach turning. The captain deserved better than to be trampled over like this.

But, she barely had time to process this news, let alone deal with it. Her omni-tool wouldn't stop beeping. The Alliance brass, her friends from N-School, and the press; everyone wanted to talk to her. She tried to keep every conversation as brief as possible, only taking more time to give Emily that exclusive interview she had promised.

Udina seemed too caught up in playing the host and entertaining his guests and the press, and suggested they continue this gathering at the embassy. It was the perfect opportunity for Shepard to slip away. There was something more pressing that she had to do.

She asked Anderson if they could talk in private and told the others that they could go ahead, that she and the captain would wait for the next elevator. But, Anderson didn't even try to call the elevator again. He knew this would be a long conversation.

"I want the truth. Why are you steeping down, sir?"

"You needed your own ship, Shepard. A Spectre can't answer to anyone but the Council. And, it's time for me to step down."

She stopped short of calling it bullshit. "Come clean with me, sir. I think I deserve the truth."

When Anderson told her the details of his history with Saren, it made her even more determined to destroy that turian traitor. She would see this to the end and would bring the Normandy back to Anderson.

"I won't let you down, sir."

* * *

The night cycle was already beginning when the Normandy finally left the Citadel. Shepard addressed the crew through the intercom, informing them about their mission, and then retired to the captain's quarters.

They had three different leads to start their search for Saren, and Kaidan wasn't surprised that she had chosen to go to Feros first. A human colony was in danger; that would always be a priority to the sole survivor of Mindoir.

His tool chirped with a message from Dr. Chakwas. All Shepard's medical files were attached. He was glad she had remembered to ask the doctor for the files; it was a sign that she wasn't trying to push him away anymore. And, it encouraged him to go knock on her door to give her a little gift he had gotten her earlier today.

"Kaidan, come on in. I was just talking to your parents." Shepard turned off her terminal and sat on the bed with her back against the headboard and one knee bent in front of her.

The sentinel noticed her new cabin seemed very comfortable. She had her own bathroom and a double bed. It would be good for her, not having to sleep in a pod. But, it was a bit of a shame that they wouldn't run into each other in the crew showers anymore.

"That's good to know, Shepard. They miss you."

"Yeah… I might've promised your mother that we're going to visit on our next shore leave."

 _We_. Kaidan wondered if she knew how much it meant to him that she had said  _we_.

"What's that?" she asked with a nod towards the gift-wrapped box in his hands. Her eyes were tired, despite the smile on her lips. She had already showered and changed into shorts and a loose, well-worn N7 t-shirt for bed. It had been a long day. He shouldn't keep her for too long; they both needed a good night's sleep.

"Something for your cabin." He came closer to her, so he could give her the gift, and she shifted to sit cross-legged on the bed. It looked like she was making room for him to sit with her, but he decided against it and just stood there. It was best to avoid anything that could add to all the tension between them.

She looked uncertain as she picked up the box, as if she didn't know what to do with it. "Like a… housewarming gift?"

"Yeah, I guess. Open it up."

"Okay..." Her eyes lit up as she unwrapped it to find a Destiny Ascension model ship. Smiling, she said, "Kaidan, it's wonderful. Thank you."

"I owed you one of these, Shepard, and it took me long enough to make up for it. You don't have to thank me."

She traced the smooth lines of the small ship appreciatively with her fingers before gingerly setting it up on the nightstand. He hoped this one would help her have a better night's sleep, like the model SSV Geneva he had given her all those years ago had.

It was a shame, though, that this toy Ascension didn't have all those happy memories associated with it like the toy Geneva had. If only they could start making some new ones right now…

"I'd better go. Good night, commander." His thoughts were taking him to dangerous places. Leaving was the prudent thing to do.

Before he could get to the door, she stopped him with a hand on his elbow. It was the slightest touch, but it still disturbed his biotics and sent a shiver down his spine.

"Good night, Kaidan." Getting up on the tips of her toes, she kissed him on the cheek. Her hand ran down the length of his arm as she lowered herself, causing a rush of dark energy inside him.

And then she was gone, returning alone to that bed big enough for two. He wished he had held her to him, kept her from retreating. He wasn't going to break the Alliance fraternization regs, he just wanted one more instant with her, one more second of feeling her warmth, her skin, her biotics.

Walking away from her was getting harder each time, and this was just day one of their mission to hunt down Saren. As her favorite android would say, they were doomed.


	38. Feros

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ME Wiki assumes the Mako has at least four seats, since Lizbeth Baynham rides with Shepard and the team on Feros. So, that's the number I'm going with in this story.
> 
> Happy Easter for those who celebrate it, and Happy Sunday for those who don't!

February 4th, 2183

Makeshift defenses. Untrained civilians. It was a miracle the colony was still standing. The situation was dire indeed. The colonists on Feros were in need of food, water, and power and were being targeted by the geth. Shepard had left Kaidan and his marine detail in charge of guarding the colony in case there were more attacks; had sent Garrus and Ashley on a supply run; and then had gone with Tali and Wrex to investigate and get to the bottom of this geth problem.

That had been yesterday. Garrus and Ashley had already returned, having succeeded in finding power cells and a food source, and solving the water shortage problem. Shepard and her team still hadn't come back, though, and the last time they had made contact had been over twelve hours ago. The geth were probably jamming the signals to block communications. Being left behind and not knowing what was happening was making Kaidan feel uneasy and upset.

To make the situation worse, it didn't look like the colonists were that happy for the Normandy's crew help and presence there. Maybe it was just tension caused by the geth attacks, but everyone in the colony was acting strange. Things there were getting weirder by the hour.

* * *

"I repeat, Normandy to shore party. Are you reading? Anyone there? Normandy to shore party. Come on, commander, talk to me."

Lisa was relieved to hear Joker's voice on the comm. She felt like she was breathing for the first time since she had learned about the Thorian and what it could do. Not being able to communicate with her crew to warn them about it and its mind-control abilities had been driving her insane with worry. No doubt they had been worried back on the ship about the lack of communication with their commander, too, because the instant she had gotten rid of the geth dropship, Joker had contacted her and it sounded like he'd been trying for a long time.

"Joker, this is shore party. What's the situation over there?"

"We're in lockdown here, commander. Something happened to the colonists and to some of our marines, too. They started to freak out and now they're banging on the hull, trying to claw their way inside the ship."

 _Fuck._ "An ExoGeni VI told me there's some lifeform they call  _Thorian_  underneath Zhu's Hope. It's some kind of sentient plant and apparently it can control minds."

"Sentient plant? What the shit?"

"Kaidan, Williams, Vakarian, are they still… themselves?"

"Yeah, looks like it."

 _Thank God._  "Tell Chakwas to keep an eye on everyone aboard the ship that might have been affected."

"What about the people outside, commander?" Joker asked.

"Patch me through to Vakarian."

"Aye aye, commander."

"Shepard, it's Vakarian here," Garrus said on the comm.

"Vakarian, you were C-sec. You must have training on crowd control, right?"

"Yes, commander."

"Until I get back, you're in charge. Protect the ship and avoid harming the colonists and any of our marines that are under the influence of the Thorian. If possible, try to disarm them. Joker can tell you what the Thorian is."

"All right, commander."

Shepard couldn't let this mission go sideways, especially when that utter mess that had been Eden Prime was still so recent. More dead marines so soon after Jenkins' passing would be devastating for morale. She had to return to Zhu's Hope as fast as possible and deal with this Thorian.

As she came out of the ExoGeni facility with Tali and Wrex, Lizbeth Baynham was waiting for her. Angry at the scientist for hiding crucial information about the Thorian from her, Shepard grabbed the woman by the collar and dragged her to the Mako with them.

"Start talking, Baynham. My crew is in danger; the whole colony is going insane. I want the truth. Now," Shepard yelled heatedly in her face, before shoving the scientist in the seat next to Wrex.

The krogan gave Lizbeth one of his menacing smiles that showed a million teeth, and the woman immediately started telling them everything she knew.

* * *

Shepard had a tough choice to make: either to lead her weary, sleep-deprived squad to take down the Thorian now and risk the creature taking advantage of her exhaustion to control her; or get some rest and go after the Thorian in the morning, risking her crew becoming mind-controlled pawns for that monster overnight.

She pondered her options as she crossed the now quiet Zhu's Hope with Wrex and Tali. Fai Dan had been the only casualty; they had managed to spare the other hostile colonists with gas grenades.

At least for the moment, the situation seemed to be under control, and they headed to the Normandy to restock and update the rest of the team.

In the area outside ship, there were several knocked out colonists. Garrus was waiting for Shepard at the airlock and reported that four crewmembers had fallen under the influence of the Thorian. Between his and Ashley's concussive shots and Kaidan's biotics, they had successfully restrained all four who now lay sedated in the medbay.

Shepard immediately went to see them. On top of being sedated, the four crewmembers were tied to their cots. They were just kids, servicemen younger than Jenkins. Shepard hated that she hadn't even learned their names yet, but had already put them through so much. Everyone who had been off the ship was infected by the Thorian's spores. These four were just the beginning. It was only a matter of time until they all turned into thralls. Her crew deserved better. She had to find this creature and put an end to this now.

Gathering the team in the comm room, Shepard briefed them on the situation in the colony and on what she knew about the Thorian.

"Grab your weapons, extra ammo, stims, medi-gel, energy bars, everything you might need. I know we all need some rest, but you saw what happened to the colonists and even to some of our crew. We can't risk leaving this thing alive for another night. Let's find out what Saren wanted with it and then take it down. Go get ready and meet me in the airlock in ten."

They all nodded, acknowledging her orders, and left.

"Joker," she called the pilot on the intercom, "as soon as we leave the Normandy, get her airborne. Let's try to keep the crew's exposure to this thing to a minimum."

"Aye aye, ma'am."

"I'll radio in when we're ready for extraction."

"Good hunting, commander."

* * *

Shepard told her team to wear oxygen masks, even though in the last two days, they had all already been exposed to the Thorian spores. Tali was the exception. Her suit provided more than ample protection, filtering all the air she breathed.

The commander had to be prepared for the worst, and also brought along sedatives, in case anyone in the team turned on the others.

"One more thing," she said before they went down the stairs underneath the freighter, "I'm assigning each of you a partner. You'll stay together at all times and keep a close watch on each other for any signs that the Thorian might be gaining control. Vakarian, you're with Wrex. Williams, you're with the lieutenant. Tali, you're with me."

Kaidan would be better at recognizing any signs that Shepard might not be acting like herself, but Tali was the only one who wouldn't be in any danger of turning on them, which meant Shepard didn't have to worry about the quarian and could focus all her attention on leading the team and completing the objective as fast as possible. Wrex, with his redundant nervous system, would most likely be safe, too. That was why she paired him with the turian. If Garrus needed to be restrained, the krogan, being the strongest one in the group, would probably be able to handle it better than the humans.

Despite all precautions she had taken, the situation started deteriorating quickly once they approached the humongous creature. And, creepers' vomit and cloned asari commandos were the least of their problems.

* * *

"Chief, I think there's something wrong…" Kaidan trailed off, having a hard time concentrating on his thoughts. His mind was foggy and his vision was blurry. He blinked a few times, hoping to clear it; it didn't work. "Chief," he tried getting Ashley's attention again. His aim was wavering dangerously. He wanted to sheath his weapon, but his arm was not obeying.

It took him a lot of effort to look at her and be able to see what exactly was going on. But, when he did, the fog instantly cleared. Williams was taking aim at Shepard's head and he quickly shoved her to the ground while releasing a biotic throw to get the commander out of harm's way.

Shepard scrambled to her feet and used a stasis field to contain Ashley. Kaidan was surprised that she hadn't even for a moment thought that he might be the one attacking her.

"Thank you, lieutenant," she said, walking over to them.

In response, he gave her a curt nod. He needed to concentrate on one thing at a time in order to keep the Thorian out of his mind, and right now that thing was getting a syringe ready to sedate the chief.

Shepard must have noticed the strain on his features and figured out he was struggling. Her hand shot up to cradle his face, but then she spared a sideways glance at the others and her hand settled on his shoulder instead. "I'll radio Joker and call for an extraction. Can I trust you to carry Williams safely back to the ship?"

"Yes, ma'am."

He hated leaving his commander's side, but he didn't know for how much longer he would be able to resist the Thorian's influence. It was best to go now rather than stay with her and put her at risk.

* * *

"Alenko, man, you're going to wear a hole in my floor."

Kaidan stopped pacing and looked at the pilot, who had turned his chair to face him. "Didn't your shift end four hours ago?"

"Yeah," Joker said, "but I don't like leaving my baby to some relief pilot when the commander is ashore and might need emergency extraction."

"Shepard is not going to approve of her helmsman not getting any shut-eye."

"And you think she's going to approve of her staff lieutenant doing the same?" Joker retorted.

No, she wouldn't. But, there was no point in getting himself into a sleeper pod right now. He would never be able to fall asleep while she was out in the field and the readings he was receiving from her suit looked this bad. In the last hour, her stress levels had hit a new high and then all her vitals had suffered a sudden drop. There was something very wrong going on groundside.

Upon hearing the familiar buzz of a comm link being activated, Joker turned back to the console and Kaidan came closer to stand behind the pilot's chair.

"Normandy, come in. This is shore party requesting extraction."

It was Tali's voice and Kaidan felt his blood drain from his veins. Joker exchanged a sober look with the sentinel before answering, "Shore party, this is the Normandy. Heading to the rendez-vouz point. ETA three minutes. Is the commander with you?"

"She is, but I'm afraid she's unconscious. Ask the doctor to clear two beds in the medbay, please."

"Two?" Joker asked.

"Tali, what happened down there?" Kaidan couldn't help interfering.

"The Thorian is dead and we have the Cipher. Well, Shepard has it."

"What happened to Shepard?" He would find out what that Cipher was later; right now, he needed to be sure Shepard was going to be okay.

"Who's the other bed for?" Joker asked while aligning the ship for docking.

"Vakarian. The Thorian was taking control of him, so Wrex headbutted him."

"I thought we'd save on sedatives," Wrex said, and Kaidan and Joker shook their heads as they heard the krogan's deep laugh in the background.

"What about Shepard?" the sentinel insisted.

"The asari told us the Cipher is the knowledge and experience of the Protheans. It allows other species to understand the visions from the beacons. For Shepard to have it, she needed to join minds with the asari," Tali explained.

 _Oh, no_. Kaidan didn't even need to hear the rest to understand the peak in the commander's stress levels and the subsequent loss of consciousness.

When the airlock opened, Tali came in first and ran off to clean her suit from that stinky creeper goo. Wrex had Shepard thrown over his shoulder, his arm looped around her ass to keep her in place. With his other arm, he was dragging an unconscious Garrus behind him by the ankles.

Kaidan wanted to pick Shepard up, but Wrex brushed him away, heading towards the stairs to the crew deck and leaving Garrus behind.

"Ask for a gurney and four marines to carry Vakarian to the medbay," Kaidan told Joker and went after Wrex.

The krogan dropped Shepard in a heap on one of the cots Chakwas had just cleared, and left mumbling something about squishy humans. Kaidan and the doctor rushed to their commander's side and, while the sentinel made sure that she was in a more adequate position and started removing her armor, the doctor was already hooking her up to machines and running diagnostics.

"Hm. I'm afraid this is the same thing that happened after the beacon on Eden Prime," Chakwas said after a few minutes of assessing the situation. "She's going to be fine, Alenko. You don't need to stay here. I'll let you know when she wakes up."

"Doctor Chakwas, I think I'd rather wait here."

"I thought you'd say so. Here." She gave him a set of disposable bedding. "You can use the cot by hers."

* * *

February 5th, 2183

Shepard woke up sweaty, with her heart racing and a scream stuck in her throat. Irritatedly ripping the IV and everything else the doctor had connected to her to monitor her vitals, she stood up. The machines started beeping, causing Garrus to stir on the cot to her left. On her right, Kaidan was already sitting up. For a second, she forgot her anger to wonder why he was there. Had he been injured? Over-used his biotics? Had a migraine? Had he been enthralled by the Thorian? The last time she had seen him, he had saved her from Williams while fighting a battle with the creature in his head. He had looked pained and afraid, and she had had to send him away. If he had stayed and lost his mind to the Thorian, if he had attacked her, he would never have forgiven himself. She could not let him go through something like that. But, that didn't mean things couldn't have gone wrong while he was returning to the ship with Williams

Chakwas came running to power down the noisy equipment and examine the commander, but Lisa expertly ducked and sidestepped the doctor.

"I'm fine; I just need a shower," she said. Turning to Kaidan, she asked, "Why are you here, lieutenant?"

"I was worried about you," he replied with a hint of a smile on his lips. "Commander," he remembered to add.

"You're not hurt?"

"No, ma'am."

 _Small mercies_ , she thought and exhaled in relief. "Doctor, what about Vakarian?"

"Nothing medi-gel won't fix. He's going to be fine."

"I don't see Williams."

"She's already fully recovered."

"Thank you, doctor, lieutenant." Shepard nodded at them and left in a hurry to her cabin, crossing the mess in her flimsy hospital gown without giving it a second thought.

She didn't even bother taking it off before getting into the shower. Now that she was alone, she wanted to scream, she wanted to break something, she wanted to break down. It made her shudder just to remember Shiala saying that they needed to join minds, that it was the only way that she could have the Cipher.

On the Citadel, when Sha'ira had invaded her mind, she hadn't been expecting it. It had made her feel weak, vulnerable, violated. This time, with Shiala, she had given her consent, but it hadn't been like she had had another option. It was either letting that asari into her head or allowing Saren to remain comfortably in his position a few steps ahead of them. Shepard was an N7; she got the job done, no matter what. The Council was counting on her; her crew was counting on her; Anderson, Kaidan, they were all counting on her. It was on her shoulders to stop Saren from wiping out life in the galaxy and she was starting to feel the weight of that responsibility. From day one in the military, she had been prepared to give her life for the mission. She had never prepared for it to cost her sanity.

But now, every time she closed her eyes, she saw memories that weren't hers, shared a pain that she wasn't supposed to suffer. The torments of an entire species, an agony so great she couldn't fathom, but she could still feel it tearing at her heart. The Cipher put those horrible memories on top of her mind, made them more graphic and discernible, but did nothing to help her comprehend all that pain and make sense of all that suffering.

She was afraid to go to sleep, knowing for certain she would have nightmares again. Even awake she was having them.

The water stopped running and she got to her feet. She hadn't even noticed she had sat down on the shower floor at some point or that she had been in there for ten minutes already. That was the longest the showers on the ship would run continuously, to limit waste and save resources.

So, she dragged herself out, only now removing the drenched hospital gown. She got under the covers and curled into a ball. There were messages waiting for her on her terminal; her armor needed cleaning; she needed to write her report on the mission; she needed to gather the team for a debriefing; she needed to update the Council on their progress; and, she needed to choose the next destination for the Normandy. Also, before leaving Feros, she wanted to return to Zhu's Hope and make sure the colonists would be fine and didn't need anything else from her. But, right now, more than anything, she needed some time for herself.

"Shepard." It was Vakarian, knocking on her door.

She couldn't tell him to go away when he had just been injured under her command; she owed him better than that.

With a heavy sigh, she got out of bed. Her exhaustion was such that even putting on her fatigues felt like a strenuous task. She wondered if a turian would even mind seeing a naked human. Would they even know the difference? Elcors wore very little clothing and no one seemed to mind. Hanars and keepers didn't wear anything at all.

"Come in," she said once she was decent. "How are you feeling, Vakarian? I'm sorry about what happened on the mission. Wrex wasn't supposed to –"

"It's all right, commander. He did what he had to."

"Well, he didn't  _have to_  headbutt you, but... isn't that why you're here?"

"No. Alenko said you were in the medbay earlier and he asked me to check on you."

 _Oh?_  Kaidan had seen her scurry out of the medbay looking anything but fine. Of course he would be concerned; he cared about her too much, probably more than she deserved, considering everything she had put him through over the years — the lying, the secrets, the constant pushing him away. But, if he had asked someone else to check on her instead of going there himself, that could only mean one thing. "How bad is he?"

"I can't tell for sure. Doctor Chakwas was medicating him when I left."

"I'll be right there. Thank you, Vakarian."

* * *

All the lights were off in the medbay. Shepard tried not to make any noise as she walked in. Kaidan was on the same cot where she had seen him last, but now he had an arm slumped over his eyes.

Doctor Chakwas told her in a hushed tone that he had had to be dosed with painkillers stronger than usual. Shepard couldn't help but feel guilty that he was having a migraine. She had pushed them too hard, leading her sleep-deprived team to fight a creature that preyed on people's minds. Not to mention how worried Kaidan had been about her in the last few days.

"Do you think he'll wake up if I..."

"I don't think he would wake up if the ship exploded, commander. I'll give you the room," Chakwas said, closing the blinds to the mess and taking her leave.

Shepard put the doctor's chair by Kaidan's bed and sat down, concern etched on her features. It seemed dark enough in the medbay, and she lowered the arm that was slumped over his eyes, settling it more comfortably along his torso. She stroked his cheek before sliding her fingers into his hair and softly massaging his scalp, hoping it would help to make him feel better. It was so quiet, and she could hear his breathing, deep and even. His skin was warm, the buzz of his biotics unusually serene. She felt so at peace, like she could stay there forever. For a few moments, she even dared closing her eyes and was grateful when the only thing on her mind was the two of them. No Reapers against Protheans. No fear, no death, no destruction.

"Commander, Admiral Hackett wishes to speak with you," Joker said on the comm.

It was a shame having to leave. She really could use more moments like this. If only she could lie there with him, snuggled against his chest...

With a sigh, she stood. "I'll take it on the CIC, Joker."

Cupping his cheek, she hovered above her lieutenant for a few seconds and gave him the lightest peck on the lips. "Feel better, Kaidan." As she walked out, she could swear she heard a tiny, low groan of protest coming from him.


	39. Noveria

February 7th, 2183

Lisa cringed and spun on her heels, trying to find what had caused that agonizing high-pitched scream that had cut through the quietness of Eletania.

She had hit groundside in the Mako a few hours earlier with Kaidan, Williams, and Wrex. An Alliance probe that had been gathering intel on geth activity had crashed on the planet and, since the Normandy still hadn't left the Attican Beta Cluster, Admiral Hackett had asked them to make a stop on Eletania and retrieve the probe's data module.

The worst thing about that scream was that they had already cleared the area and were returning to the Mako. Shepard hated to think that she might have missed something or might have made a mistake.

The first thing she noticed was that Wrex had separated himself from the group. Another disturbing scream echoed, and she spotted him, wringing the neck of pyjak.

"Wrex, what are you doing?" she asked, running over to meet him.

"I thought we could have a roast tonight on the ship," he said with his shark smile, and casually threw the dead monkey on top of the first one he had killed.

"I don't think anyone will want to eat a pyjak, Wrex."

Ashley shrugged. "I wouldn't mind trying it."

The krogan chased down and grabbed another one, snapping its neck while Shepard shook her head at him.

"Why don't you just shoot them?" Ashley asked.

"It would ruin the meat," the krogan replied.

"Wrex, I'm not going to let you bleed, skin, and gut animals on my ship. Think of the smell! And, who's going to clean up this mess afterwards?"

"So, no barbecue then, commander?" Ashley asked, and Shepard could swear she sounded disappointed.

"It seems like a waste of good pyjak," Wrex said.

"Well, they  _are_  already dead, commander," Kaidan added, and Shepard shot him an incredulous look, as if to say ' _You, too?'_

Throwing her hands up in the air, she gave up. "Whatever."

* * *

Never in his entire life had Kaidan thought he would eat monkey meat but, here he was, doing just that, and it wasn't bad. It seemed this was going to be a tour of many firsts. In less than two weeks serving on the Normandy, he had visited the Citadel and several other places he had never been to before; he had met new species; teamed up with aliens; fought new enemies. Actually, in comparison, eating pyjak was ranking pretty low on the list of exotic new experiences of the past few days.

Wrex's barbecue turned out to be a great bonding activity for the crew. Not everyone was eating the unusual meat, but everyone who was off duty was hanging out in the mess. Kaidan, Joker, and Adams were teaching Tali how to play cards; Ashley was taking bets while Wrex and Garrus prepared to arm wrestle; Grenado and Lowe were making out in a corner; Chakwas was entertaining a group of marines with stories from the first time she had served with Captain Anderson. Kaidan could also swear the doctor was secretly sharing some booze she had stashed somewhere, because the kids around her were starting to look drunk.

Gambling and drinking were prohibited on Alliance military vessels. So was fraternization. But, those things would sometimes happen, and everyone knew they did, but it was like there was this unspoken agreement among marines of  _don't ask, don't tell_.

Of course, no one was crazy enough to engage in such activities in front of their commanding officer. That was why Shepard was not attending the barbecue. Instead, she had locked herself in her cabin as soon as they had returned from Eletania. She had said that the crew was never going to relax and have fun with their CO around.

Kaidan was sure that there was more to it than that, though. Earlier today, as they had been heading to the extraction point on Eletania, they had picked up a strange signal on the Mako's radar and Shepard had decided to investigate it.

_She blanched when they got there and realized it was actually a Prothean ruin. A strange orb was floating in the middle, and Kaidan saw fear, doubt, anger, and, lastly, resignation on Shepard's face as she accepted that she couldn't turn her back on it. She would have to check it out; she would have to touch that mysterious relic and subject herself to whatever it could do to her, because it could be one more piece of the puzzle. Maybe it could help her understand her visions; maybe it could tell her what the Conduit was; maybe it could put her one step ahead of Saren for a change._

" _It's my fucking duty to activate this damn thing," she muttered between gritted teeth, as if trying to convince herself and push herself to just go ahead and do it._

_Like the previous times, she passed out as soon as the relic released her. Kaidan rushed to her side, picking her up before she could hit the ground, and carried her back to the Mako. He hated to see her go through that again but, thankfully, this time she came to only minutes later. And, she was pissed. It seemed this one relic hadn't been of any help against Saren and it had burned new unrelated memories in her mind. From what he could pick up from her grumbling and ranting against everything Prothean, it had been something about a cro-magnum hunter this time._

"Hey, Chase, why don't you take over for me here?" Kaidan said, handing over his cards to one of his privates. The crew might feel more comfortable without their CO around on their off-duty hours, but that was not the case for the sentinel. He'd rather spend time with her, and he had been thinking of checking in on her anyway after they had returned to the ship and she had locked herself in her cabin.

"Commander?" Before he could knock, her door unlocked and slid open for him. It wasn't typical for a lieutenant to be able to access their CO's quarters just like that. Wondering if they were having a security issue, or if she had given the whole crew access to her quarters as some sort of open door policy, he checked the ship clearances list on his tool. What he found out put a smile on his face — other than Shepard, the only two people who had clearance to enter her cabin at any time were him and Dr. Chakwas. It might seem silly, but Shepard was so guarded, and she had spent so long keeping him at arm's length, that even a small thing like this felt like a huge step.

Yes, she had told him she wanted to get back together, and even wanted to move in together, after this tour was over, but everything about this tour was so uncertain right now. The only thing about it that he was sure of was that the end was nowhere in sight. So, for now, he was just happy that they were serving on the same ship and that she wasn't trying to push him away anymore.

"Shepard?" he called, but there was no answer. Her cabin was in complete darkness.

Thinking that she was probably already asleep, he was about to turn away and leave when he stepped on some broken glass. Good thing he was still wearing his service boots. Using his omni-tool as a source of light, he saw pieces of her armor scattered all over the place, objects thrown on the floor, and an empty bottle of whisky by the bed where she was sleeping on top of the covers, curled into a ball.

Kaidan found a blanket and covered her with it, hoping it would bring her some comfort, even though he didn't think her fetal position had anything to do with the cold. Over a decade of Shepard working through her PTSD and making peace with her demons was being thrown away with this mission.

Despite wanting to stay, he disposed of all the broken glass he could find, gathered the pieces of her armor to be repaired, cleaned and stored, and left. It seemed like the right thing to do, all things considered.

* * *

February 8th, 2183

"Thank you," Shepard mouthed to Kaidan over her cup of coffee in the beginning of the morning cycle on the Normandy.

In acknowledgment, he gave her a curt nod.

Once most of the crew had cleared out of the mess and returned to their posts, he approached her. "Do you need help cleaning up?" he asked, making a discreet gesture towards her quarters.

"I already took care of it. Thanks."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No. I'm okay. It won't happen again." She was turning away and he held her arm out to stop her. "Shepard…"

The contact felt like a small shock and caused wisps of dark energy to fly between them. A couple of marines who were still in the mess looked at them, so Kaidan let go of her and took a step back.

"Noveria," Shepard said. Kaidan looked confused, so she added, "Isn't that what you were asking about, lieutenant? Our next destination?"

"Yes, commander." The sentinel quickly caught up.

"Commander, Admiral Hackett wishes to speak with you," Joker said on the intercom.

"Unless the Alliance wants us to make another detour first," she muttered before heading towards the stairs. "I'll take it on the CIC, Joker."

* * *

February 16th, 2183

Having gone to Luna to deal with a rogue VI in an Alliance training facility delayed their arrival on Noveria by several days. The Sol System had been completely out of their way, but Shepard couldn't deny Admiral Hackett's request for help; she owed him and the Alliance too much.

But, now, she was back following Saren's trail and it seemed she had come to the right place. Matriarch Benezia was on Noveria. That meant Shepard was closing in on them.

"Commander, if Matriarch Benezia is here, maybe we should go find her daughter, Dr. T'Soni, first," Garrus suggested, once they had left Anoleis' office. "She might help us reach her mother."

"Benezia is working for Saren. Dr. T'Soni could be, too. I'd rather deal with them separately than bring her daughter here and risk them teaming up against us." There was also the fact that she wasn't exactly looking forward to working with, or even meeting, any more asari; let alone having one catch a ride on her ship. But, this part was better left unsaid. "Come on. Let's see Lorik Qui'in about that garage pass," she said, ending that subject.

As they entered the hotel bar after the turian, an asari tried to enlist Shepard's help with some shady scheme. The commander couldn't have been faster to shut her down; asari were really not her favorite people right now.

Like everyone else on Noveria , Qui'in already knew who Shepard was. He wanted her to do him a favor in return for his help. But, at least he was willing to answer all of her questions about Benezia.

"She caused quite a stir. It's not every day that a matriarch arrives with a guard detail of commandos. She was also dressed for the role. An asari in a pinstriped suit set tongues wagging among the younger male employees, so to speak," the old turian said.

"It does sound like something you would find on an extranet fetish site…" Kaidan said and Garrus nodded in agreement. The others looked at the sentinel, making him blush. It was an unnecessary and inappropriate comment for an officer on duty to make in front of his CO (and soon-to-be girlfriend, considering their plans for after this tour) but, while he looked like he wanted to disappear, Shepard just raised an intrigued eyebrow at him and gave him a sly half-smile.

"I fail to see why a clothed female is more interesting than a naked one," Wrex said, and Kaidan looked relieved that the group's attention was redirected towards the krogan.

"That's because krogan lack imagination," Ashley replied.

"Hey, everyone, focus. We need that garage pass," Shepard said with no heat, just to get them back on track.

* * *

They had spent less than a day docked on Noveria, and Lisa already hated the planet. The bureaucracy was getting on her nerves and it seemed corruption was the rule there. Maybe she could do something about the latter if she convinced Qui'in to testify against Anoleis. She had fulfilled her part of the deal with him, which should give her some leverage.

"Everyone on this station is chafing under Anoleis' extortion. You might end up a hero," she told the turian.

"My employers rely on the goodwill of the Executive Board to work here," he replied.

"If these 'executives' don't blame Anoleis for provoking this, they're fools. You should eat them," Wrex said and Shepard had to contain the urge to facepalm.

"All right! It is obvious that I cannot dissuade you. Very well, I will testify. Make whatever arrangements you need with your contact. I will wait here," Qui'in agreed.

On their way over to tell Gianna Parasini that the situation was sorted out, Shepard took the opportunity to talk to the krogan on her team. "Wrex, a disagreement is not enough reason for someone to eat someone else. You can't go around telling people that."

"And what is enough reason, commander?" Ashley asked in her usual cheerful and slightly ironic tone. "When should we start eating each other?"

"Have you eaten many people, Wrex? Of different species?" Garrus asked, looking genuinely interested.

"It probably wouldn't be good for quarians to eat levo species. If it came to it, I guess I could only eat you, Garrus," Tali said.

The commander couldn't decide if bringing the whole squad along with her had been her best or her worst idea so far. But, they sure made things less dull. Tali, Wrex, and Garrus, they were all right. She had to admit she was starting to like their company.

* * *

February 19th, 2183

"I hate waiting," Ashley grumbled as she disassembled her rifle and assembled it again for the millionth time.

"Me, too. The commander rarely picks me to go on missions," Tali'zorah said, fussing with her locker.

The soldier hadn't even noticed the quarian's presence there before she had spoken. Had she been there for long?

"You were with the commander the whole time on Feros while I was left in the creepy colony," Ash replied.

"Hm. That's true. I guess I get picked some times."

Williams shook her head, smiling, and settled her rifle on the weapons bench. God, she was bored. Shepard had left with Alenko, Vakarian, and Wrex for Peak 15 almost three days ago and still hadn't come back. The last time the shore party had contacted the ship, it had been to tell them they had found Benezia. Unless there was an emergency, the next scheduled contact would be in three hours.

"I think the commander wanted biotics for this mission. They'll probably be facing asari and –"

"Garrus is not a biotic and she picked him," Tali said, interrupting Ashley.

"Yeah, you're right," the soldier sighed. "Do you… want to get something to drink? At the hotel bar?"

"Sure."

As Ashley left the ship with Tali, she thought that she, too, was having a tour of many firsts.

When they arrived at the bar, they found two free stools together at the counter and sat down. Williams ordered a shot of tequila and a beer and Tali ordered some unnaturally pink dextro drink.

"Oh, no. I have to go back to the ship. I forgot my induction port," the quarian said.

"What is that?" Ash asked, downing her shot of tequila and already signaling for a second one.

"It's a hollow, partially-flexible cylinder my species uses as a duct for ingesting liquids without having to remove our face plates."

Ashley reached for a straw dispenser and passed Tali a straw. "Here. I found you an… emergency induction port. Try it."

The quarian hesitated. "It's a straw."

"Or an emergency induction port," Ashley insisted.

Tali tested it and, it worked so well, she finished her drink without even taking a breath.

A couple of hours and several colorful drinks later, Ashley was laughing her ass off as Tali started to seriously consider the straw as her Pilgrimage gift to her people.

"On one hand, our induction port industry would go bankrupt. But, straws are so much cheaper. My people would save millions of credits. Oh, no. Does this mean my Pilgrimage is over?"

"Didn't you promise the commander you were going to help us stop Saren?"

"Oh, Saren! Right! Then I guess I'm staying a while longer."

"Good. Wrex's got nothing on you with a shotgun. I'd hate to see you go," Ashley said and, to her own surprise, she actually meant it.

* * *

Shepard's head was hurting from sleep deprivation and the strenuous fight against Benezia and her asari commandos. And now…  _this_. It wasn't right. She shouldn't have the power to decide the fate of an entire species. No one should. She was just some soldier; this decision shouldn't fall to her. It wasn't fair.

Wrex was raging that the rachni shouldn't be allowed to live, that his people had gone through enough to wipe them out the first time, and that he would activate the acid tanks rigged up on the queen's cage himself if Shepard didn't do it.

Garrus looked strained and tense. His eyes were on the krogan, his hand on his sheathed weapon, ready to draw it if Wrex became a problem.

"Shepard," Kaidan said, his voice soft as he approached her, "if we kill her, we kill an entire race." It was in his choice to use her name instead of her rank, in the light touch of his hand on her shoulder, in the way he said  _we_  instead of  _you_ … it might all seem too small, perhaps too little, for the others to even notice, but it was exactly what she needed right now. Having him there was like an island of calm and reason in the sea of torment that the mission had turned into.

She knew what she had to do; the only choice she could make that she would be able to live with afterwards. "I'll set you free," she told the queen.

"Are you stupid? Your people didn't fight these bastards, so maybe you don't get it, but millions of my ancestors died to get rid of these bugs." Wrex took a menacing step towards the commander and Kaidan and Garrus immediately positioned themselves on either side of her, weapons drawn.

"Fine. Then do what you want. My people will clean this up later. Just like we did for the salarians. But, mark my words, Shepard, you'll regret this," Wrex said, storming out ahead of them.

They met him later in the hot labs, covered in blood and slime, and with at least fifty rachni corpses around him.

"What happened here?" Shepard asked. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I just needed something to kill," he replied.

"Well, I'm glad that worked out, then."

* * *

February 20th, 2183

Before leaving Noveria, Shepard gathered her team for a debriefing in the comm room. Benezia was dead, but they still had no idea about where to find Saren or the Conduit. They had the coordinates to the Mu Relay, but it was of no use if they didn't know where to go from there.

"What about Liara T'Soni? The matriarch's daughter? Isn't she some kind of expert on the Protheans?" Garrus asked.

"Yeah, right. Her mother was working for Saren. I bet she is, too," Williams said.

Shepard thought the same, but they had no other leads at the moment. There was no postponing this anymore; she would have to go after this asari scientist.

"Benezia helped us in the end. Maybe Dr. T'Soni will, too. At the very least, we should head to the Artemis Tau cluster to find her and see what's going to happen," Garrus said.

"Who put you in charge? Did the commander resign when I wasn't looking?" Ashley snapped.

Shepard looked at her, eyebrows raised. "Hangover put you in a bad mood, Williams?"

"Sorry, commander."

"This is a tough mission. We're all on edge. Everyone go get some rest. Crew dismissed," the commander said. She still wanted to talk to Williams about her behavior, but she wasn't going to do it in front of the whole crew.

* * *

"Williams, do you have a few minutes to talk? One-on-one?" Lisa approached the soldier in the lower deck.

"Of course, commander. I was just watching some mail from home."

" _Oh, before I go, we saw Kaidan on a news vid about the Normandy. He's cute! Later, sis."_

Ashley's eyes widened at that last part of the vid and she blanched. "Can we pretend this never happened?"

A million things went through Lisa's head and she couldn't help asking, "Are you interested in the lieutenant, chief?"

"Nu-uh. Nope. No, ma'am."

"Williams, if you –"

"I really don't want to get in the middle of anything you and the LT ha–"

"There's nothing to get in the middle of, chief. The lieutenant and I have known each for a long time. That is all."

"Yeah, right," Ash said, smirking.

They were getting into dangerous territory here. Lisa needed to put a stop to it. She couldn't have her crew thinking their commander was ignoring regs and having an affair with a subordinate. "Mind the protocol, chief. That is no way to address your commanding officer."

"Sorry, commander. Too much in the family mindset. My sisters and I have always been close. With Dad on duty so much, I had to help Mom raise them."

Shepard looked down, trying to think of the last time — if ever — she had been in a  _family mindset_. That thought made her feel badly for calling Ashley out on her overly friendly behavior towards her. The chief probably didn't mean anything by it and was just missing her sisters.

Williams started telling stories from home and her family and Shepard let her talk. The chief was very lucky to have a big family and it seemed they were very close. It sounded so nice that Shepard felt a hint of jealousy.

"I'm sorry, commander. I got carried away and I forgot about your… family situation."

The last thing Lisa wanted was for someone to feel bad about having had a happy childhood and having a close family, but being the sole survivor of Mindoir could sometimes suck the joy out of a room. It would happen in spite of herself and she didn't know how to avoid it. Someone would start telling a long, happy story about their family and then they would remember who she was and would feel embarrassed or even guilty.

"It's all right," she told Ashley, "I… I've dealt with it. You don't have to apologize. Well, maybe to Garrus."

"Yeah. I already took care of that. I never thought I'd say this but, for a turian, he's… he's not that bad."

"We're all part of the same team here, Williams, and we need to get along if we want to succeed on our mission."

"I know and you're right, commander. You can count on me. If you say jump, I say how high. If you tell me to kiss the turian, I ask which cheek."

Shepard let out a laugh. "I don't think it'll come to that, chief."


	40. Ghosts from the Past - Part 1

February 24th, 2183

They were on their way to the Citadel to restock before heading to Therum when Shepard received an urgent message from Admiral Hackett. L2 biotics had kidnapped Martin Burns, the chairman of the Alliance Parliamentary Subcommittee for Transhuman Studies. She would have to make yet another detour, but this time she was glad Hackett had come to her for the job. Those biotics had already been written off as fanatical terrorists by the brass. Hackett had even told her that saving the chairman would be his preference, but that her top priority was to neutralize the biotics. However, being a biotic herself, and familiar with the injustices and prejudice her kind suffered, Lisa suspected there was more to that kidnapping than the Alliance was letting on; she was headed there, willing to listen to the demands of the 'fanatics', to try to understand their motives, and to do her best to achieve a peaceful resolution for the situation. Not many other soldiers would be this open to dialogue, especially when the brass had specifically given her the order to do just the opposite.

This assignment reminded her of her mission to take down the Reds' command a few years ago. That time, too, she had had her own agenda and a risky and unconventional plan to achieve her goal. Kaidan might have refused to help her against the Reds back in 77, but this time he readily agreed.

* * *

Shepard and Alenko exchanged a reassuring look as they boarded the MSV Ontario with their barriers up but unarmed, and with hands in the air. Besides protection, their barriers were also to let the supposed terrorists know they were biotics, too, and possibly sympathetic to their cause. The rest of the team stayed on the Normandy, listening in and ready to provide back-up if things went south on the Ontario.

"I'm Commander Shepard. Alliance Navy," Lisa said when the hostiles had surrounded her and Kaidan. "Lieutenant Alenko here is an L2 like you. We understand what you're going through and we're here to help you."

"She's the Hero of the Blitz. The one in the vids," Shepard heard them whispering to each other. Thanks to Emily, every human biotic out there knew who she was.

"I remember Alenko from BAaT. It's true. He's one of us," a woman said, and Kaidan nodded at her.

"We need to speak to your leader…" the sentinel hesitated, racking his brain to get the woman's name right, "… Mancini."

The woman smiled and Shepard breathed out, relieved.

Cautiously, Kaidan lowered his hands and the commander did the same, following his lead. There was some muttering between the hostile biotics before they agreed, and then Mancini led the marines further down into the ship and into a cabin.

Martin Burns was there on his knees, and the leader of the biotics was holding a gun to his head. "See how it is? You write letters and everyone ignores you. Force is the only thing people appreciate. So how about if I kill Chairman Burns and finish this charade?"

"Please, I was trying to help you people!" the hostage yelled.

"Calm down. Let's not do anything we're all going to regret," Shepard said, taking a step towards the man with the gun.

"Why not? What have we got to lose? Since the chairman here decided we don't get reparations, we've got nothing left to live for. Some L2s are nearly crippled from side effects of the implants, but he voted against reparations!"

"Think about this," Shepard tried again. The tension in the room was palpable. She had to keep things from escalating. "Burns is the only one who can hel–"

"If you r-release me, I can take another look at the reparations request," the chairman interrupted her, adding more tension to the already critical situation. He was bumbling and a nervous wreck. "You've c-changed my mind. Seeing you all, i-it's clear you all d-deserve reparations."

The terrorist leader pressed the barrel of his gun harder against the hostage's head, making him shut up. "What? Are we supposed to trust you now?"

"Hey, I'm an L2, like you," Kaidan said. Behind him, Mancini nodded to the guy in charge in confirmation. "Trust  _me_. Commander Shepard can make sure Burns follows through."

"Who's to say you're not going to double-cross us as soon as we surrender?"

The room was charged with every biotic in there amassing dark energy, getting ready to attack if it came to it. Shepard did not want to kill these people; they deserved better. She had seen first-hand how much Kaidan suffered with his migraines, how bad they were, and he was one of the 'lucky' L2s.

"We are not. Burns is going to take another look at the request, right, Burns? Say it," she told the chairman.

"Absolutely. The reparations will come. For whatever it's worth, I promise that," Burns said.

The hostile leader kept his gun trained on Burns, but his finger slipped from the trigger. His resolve was wavering and Kaidan picked up on the signals. "You've never been so close to having these reparations happen," the sentinel said. "Don't do anything stupid now. Surrender and give Burns a chance to make this right."

"You… you have a point. I don't want to die. Maybe something will happen this time. We surrender." The kidnapper put down his gun and his followers stood down, too.

"Thank you, commander. I thought I was dead when they took me," Burns said as Shepard helped him to his feet. "I'll see to it that the reparations discussion is reopened. I didn't know they were so desperate."

"Then you weren't doing your job, chairman." She turned to the leader of the biotics. "A Fifth Fleet cruiser is coming to pick you up. The rest of my squad will board the ship now to make sure everyone will be safe and that the pick up transpires without any problems. Tell your people to stand down and let them in."

"Yes, commander."

Within seconds, Williams, Vakarian, Wrex, Tali, and a marine detail from the Normandy were aboard the Ontario.

"Lieutenant, I'm going back to my ship. You're in charge here," Shepard told Kaidan.

"Aye aye, ma'am." He saluted her, but she made a signal for him to walk with her to the airlock.

"You did a good job here today," she told him once they were alone.

"Thank you, commander."

"I'm not saying it as just your commander. I'm proud of you, of the man you've become. And, I told Anderson that, if anything happens to me, I want you take over the Normandy and carry on with the mission."

He looked blown away for a moment, as if that was the last thing he expected to hear right now. "Shepard, I… I'm just a lieutenant."

"Anderson can take care of that. I've already talked to him about it."

He took a deep breath, trying to recover from the shock. If he could, he would've gotten closer to her and cupped her jaw as he looked into her eyes to make he sure his point was coming across, and that she knew he really meant what he was going to say now. It wouldn't be appropriate for him to act like that with his CO while on duty, though, so he settled for putting a hand on her shoulder. "This is your mission and it'll be yours until the end. Nothing is going to happen to you, Shepard. I've got your back."

She loved how he always chose the right moments to breach protocol and drop the  _ma'am_. But, it changed nothing. She had to be prepared for every contingency and her death was one of them. This mission was too important for her to leave anything to chance.

"I know," she said to reassure him and gave him a small smile. "Admiral Hackett will want to hear from me. I should go. Later, Kaidan."

"Later, Shepard." He was still a little taken aback and wide-eyed as she left.

* * *

February 28th, 2183

The Normandy finally docked on the Citadel to restock. The commander had planned for this to be a quick stop but, the instant she got off the ship with her team and saw Rear Admiral Boris Mikhailovich standing there in the docking bay, she knew she could kiss her schedule goodbye.

Ashley and Kaidan immediately snapped to attention and saluted him formally.

"At ease," he told them and turned to Shepard. "I don't expect you to remember who I am, commander, though –"

"You're Boris Mikhailovich, Corporal Andrei Mikhailovich's father. Last time we spoke, you were a captain. Congratulations on your promotion, Rear Admiral. What can I do for you?"

Another thing about the last time they had spoken — he had accused her of having let his son die on Elysium. Even though seven years had gone by, for a father who had lost a son, she didn't think any amount of time could make it better. He probably still despised her for it.

He let out an unimpressed huff. "The Normandy was slated for the 63rd Scout Flotilla after shakedown, commander. Then, the Council got their claws, paws, tentacles, whatever; they got them on our ship."

"I still serve the Alliance, sir, and I'm the commander of the Normandy."

"What you are is a pawn of the Council. I don't begrudge the political decision of throwing you to them. I do begrudge this over-designed piece of tin, though."

She sucked in a deep breath, trying to keep in mind that Mikhailovich was her superior officer. "The Normandy is a fine ship, sir. She's served us well so far."

"Has she really? I'm here to make an inspection and see if she's up to snuff. She is an Alliance warship after all."

"Please, sir, go ahead. I'm sure you'll find everything in order." She didn't offer to go with him to keep him from asking her to unlock her quarters so he could conduct an inspection in there, too; she had a few bottles of whisky stashed in cabin, even though drinking was prohibited on Alliance ships. That wouldn't look good.

While they waited for Mikhailovich to return, Shepard asked Garrus and Tali to go get supplies to restock the ship, and Wrex and Ashley to go browse for new weapons and armor mods.

"Where is the rest of your ground team, commander?" Mikhailovich asked when he returned.

"I sent them to run some errands for me."

"Are you saying that those aliens who were here earlier are part of your ground team? That krogan? A quarian? Even a turian? What are you thinking, commander? You can't allow aliens free access to Alliance equipment!"

"I'm the Normandy's commanding officer, sir, and that means I have the authority to say who does and doesn't come aboard."

"Hmph! You still know what color your blood is, Shepard?

"Sir, is this really about the Normandy and her crew?" She had to ask, given their history.

"What are you implying, commander?"

"I think you have a problem with  _me_ , sir," she said, and made a signal for Kaidan to give them some privacy.

Mikhailovich waited in silence for a moment until it was just him and Shepard. "I know what happened to my son was not your fault, commander. When the coroner's report came out… Andrei was on sand. I didn't know. I had no idea. I failed him."

"Sir," Shepard said, taking a step towards him and meeting his eyes. She was going to take a huge chance now and she just hoped it would pay off. "Jones, Saito, and I, we couldn't have saved all those people if it hadn't been for your son. And Jones and I would've never made it out alive. It was all thanks to Mikha. Thanks to the… his, uh..."

"I saw the vids," he said, putting her out of her misery. "You did what you had to to save those civilians. I... I respect that."

"Thank you, sir."

"I'm not convinced the Normandy isn't a waste of taxpayer money, but I believe you'll use it to its best ability, commander. I'll be submitting a report to the brass. It will not be as negative as I had planned. Good hunting, Commander Shepard." After they exchanged a salute, he left.

They should have had this talk a long time ago; ideally, when Mikha had died. But, he had been too hotheaded for it and she had still been too bewildered and a little rattled by the aftermath of the release of Emily's vid about her.

She was glad they had had a chance to sort this out now. Better late than never. And, that reminded her...

"Lieutenant," she called Kaidan to rejoin her over the comm, "Emily said she needed help with a story. Let's go."

* * *

"Scar."

Lisa felt her blood running cold in her veins. There was only one person alive who still called her that and it seemed he had gotten out of jail earlier than expected.

She was sure Kaidan hadn't forgotten the only other time he had heard that nickname — the robbery at the café in Vancouver twelve years ago — because Lisa could feel dark energy starting to build up quickly inside him, as if they were running into a dangerous situation. Actually, they could be, considering how things had gone down between her and Tyronne the last time they had met.

"Ty." She approached him cautiously. There was a sneaky looking guy beside him she did not recognize.

"This is Finch, my associate," Ty said.

Her only reaction was flicking her eyes to the man and then back to Ty.

"When I saw you on the news with your fancy new ship, I thought Jarell and Raj would be riding with you. It must've slipped my mind how quick you are to betray and abandon your friends."

"We were assigned to different posts. You're smart, Ty. I'm sure you know how this works."

"Bullshit. You're the Council's bitch, now, Scar. Everything the Alliance ever wanted. They gave you their best ship and they would've given you anyone you wanted for your team, but I heard you chose to recruit aliens instead of humans."

Kaidan was about to interfere when Shepard made a hand gesture to stop him. This was a very delicate situation and she didn't want to make things any tenser; if she could, she would like to fix things with Ty. But, they had both made so many bad decisions during the few times they had met after leaving the orphanage that, now, it looked like there was nothing left to salvage of the friendship they had once had. Maybe a more reasonable goal at this point would be not letting this exchange escalate into a shootout.

"Just tell me why you're here, Ty. It can't only be to insult me."

"You owe me, Scar. I'm here to collect."

"What do you want?" she asked, avoiding making any eye contact with Kaidan. He wouldn't approve of this and she didn't want to see the disappointment in his eyes. The minute she had seen Ty, she should have sent the lieutenant away.

Tyrone explained about this other 'associate' of his who was in the custody of the turians and said he wanted her to use her power and status to have him released.

"I'll see what I can do," she said, heading out to search for the turian guard that was responsible for the prisoner. She was still avoiding looking Kaidan in the eyes, but she knew he was right behind her.

As they were going down an empty hallway, he called her name a couple of times, but she did not stop or even turn to face him.

"Shepard!" He grabbed her armored arm and she spun on her heels, getting in his face.

"What?"

He did not back down. "Have you thought about this? You didn't even ask why this guy was arrested. You don't want to know who you're putting back on the streets? Who you're abusing your Spectre authority for?"

"This is something I have to do, Kaidan. I don't expect you to understand. I knew you wouldn't."

"You didn't even try to explain it!"

"Actually, I did. I tried to explain it that day of the robbery at the café. And, the following week, when you came to see me at your parents'. I tried to explain it when I asked you to come with me to Vancouver for the Reds assignment. But, you never even tried to understand. That's why we're having this argument again. After all these years, you still haven't changed."

"I could tell you the same thing, Shepard. You're an Alliance marine and a Council Spectre, but for some reason you're still protecting those criminals."

"Fine. But, when we went after those L2 biotics who had kidnapped Burns, you had no problem with going against Admiral Hackett's orders and negotiating with them!"

"It's not the same thing. It's about doing what's right."

"Those biotics had taken a hostage. That makes them criminals, Kaidan. Yet, you put your life at risk for them without a second thought. How is that any different from what I tried to do in the Reds job?"

"Shepard, y–"

"Look, lieutenant, I can do this on my own. You can go back to the ship now. Dismissed."

He shook his head, blowing out a mirthless laugh. "What am I to you, Shepard? Your friend? Boyfriend? Or just another subordinate? You call me by my first name in front of everyone, you give me clearance to your quarters, you say you want to move in together, but when I try to talk to you, when I try to help you, you dismiss me and send me away as if I am just some unruly recruit who has a habit of speaking out of turn."

"Kaidan, I..." She didn't know what to say. He was right about that; she had been sending him mixed signals. This situation they were in, it was a very complex one. There was a lot of pressure on her shoulders and this mission had turned into an infinite source of stress. He was the only person in her life that could give her some emotional support and help her deal with all this on a more personal level, but all it took was a small disagreement for her to start pushing him away again. If she didn't break out of this toxic habit of hers, they would never be able to have a healthy relationship.

"Don't 'Kaidan' me." She had said her piece and he seemed determined to say his. "What am I to you, Shepard? If it's just a subordinate you want… I'm not sure I can do it." He looked down, his voice losing its heat at the end. "When someone is special to you, you help them. Try to keep them from making mistakes. And this… helping this guy, it is a mistake. You're abusing your Spectre authority and, when you start cutting corners like this, it's not always obvious who pays for it."

Fuck. She sighed, dragging her fingers through her hair. He was right about this, too, wasn't he? She needed to at least know what this guy had done, before deciding if she was going to have him released. And… she should never have treated Kaidan this way. How was she going to fix this?

While she hesitated, not knowing what to say, he gave up waiting. "I… I need some time to think. You can take care of this alone, like you wanted. I won't get in your way," he said.

Shepard just nodded and turned her back to him, closing her eyes and sucking in a deep steadying breath. She couldn't watch him walk away from her again. Each time, it hurt more.

* * *

It was the beginning of the night cycle on the Citadel when Kaidan decided to go back to the ship. He hadn't heard from Shepard all day after he had left her to deal with her old friend's request and, now that he had cooled off a little, he was just hoping she hadn't done anything she was going to regret.

He was in the elevator on the way to the Normandy's Docking Bay when he heard a newscast about a man named Tyronne Mitchell who had been arrested earlier today for assault and attempted murder against a Council Spectre. The Spectre had subdued the man and handed him over to C-Sec. His associate, known only as Finch, had escaped, and C-Sec was searching for him.

If it had come to that, it could only mean one thing — Shepard had taken his advice and had refused to help Ty.

Kaidan let out a breath of relief. It gave him hope to know that she could change; that she might resist, and even fight him, when he tried to help her, but it didn't mean she wasn't listening.

He wondered if she had already returned to the ship. He wanted to talk to her, see what she had to say, and make sure that she was all right.

As he got out of the elevator, an Alliance officer stopped him. "Are you part of the Normandy's crew?" the man asked in a hushed tone.

"Yes. Staff Lieutenant Alenko."

"First Lieutenant Girard, sir." The man saluted him, still keeping his voice down. "I'll have to ask you to either wait here or go straight to the ship. We have a situation going on and we can't risk having anyone wandering around in this area."

"What's the situation, lieutenant?"

"A woman was rescued from batarian slavers a few weeks ago, sir. She was taken on the raid on Mindoir."

 _Oh, no._  Kaidan saw Shepard talking to the woman by some supply crates. The woman was visibly shaking, her gestures were wild, and she had a gun. From this angle, he couldn't see Shepard's face, but he knew this couldn't be easy for her.

"The woman escaped while we were taking her to a psychiatric facility. Grabbed a gun from one of my guys," Girard continued. "She says she wants to die. We asked your commander for help, and I've got a sniper positioned."

 _Fuck._  "No matter what happens, you can't give your sniper the order to shoot. Shep– Commander Shepard wouldn't want this woman to die. Understood?" Kaidan was sure that Shepard would go to any lengths for this woman to survive.

"Yes, sir. We gave her a syringe with a sedative to use on the woman if she has the chance."

Shepard had come closer to the woman now, but the situation did not look at all like it was under control. From where he was standing, Kaidan couldn't listen to what they were saying, but the tension in the air was palpable. If he got closer to them, he risked spooking the woman and making things worse, so he would have to stay where he was and wait to see what was going to happen.

All of sudden, the woman started moving the gun to her own head. Shepard yelled and tackled her. The weapon went off as Kaidan and Girard were rushing over. As they got there, Shepard was rolling off the other woman after taking away her gun and injecting her with the sedative. The woman curled into a weeping ball on the floor before passing out. Thankfully, no one appeared to have been hit by the gunshot.

Lieutenant Girard picked the Mindoir survivor up in his arms and Kaidan thanked him and dismissed him. The sentinel then turned to Shepard, who was still sitting on the floor, staring blindly at nothing. He offered a hand to help her up, but she didn't budge and didn't even look in his direction, so he sat down by her side.

"I was not prepared for this," she spoke, her voice just a whisper. "I didn't know how to handle it. I was never trained for this."

"Shepard, you did –"

"It was so much worse than I thought it would be. I freaked out and I scared her. As if she hadn't gone through so much already, I had to put her through this, too. Having someone jump on top of her like that, inject her with a sedative against her will… oh, God."

"Hey, this was an impossible situation, but you handled it the best way you could and you saved her life. That's what matters, Shepard. Now she can recover, get better, and it's thanks to you. You did a good job here."

For the first time since he had gotten there, she met his eyes, and she looked like she hadn't heard a word of what he had said before and was just seeing him now. "Why are you here, Kaidan?"

"I was coming back to the ship when I saw you and..."

"Talitha."

"Talitha. It's a beautiful name." He smiled at her, and she nodded once in response, but the look on her face was like she wasn't even there. "Then, Lieutenant Girard told me what was happening and I thought you might need me, so I stayed."

"Thank you."

"I told you, Shepard, I've got your back. And I shouldn't have left your side earlier today, even if you had ordered me to."

"Kaidan, I… I think I want to be alone." She put a hand on his knee and gave him the tiniest smile, before pushing herself to her feet.

"Shepard, are you sure?"

"Yes. I really don't want to be here right now and… I need some time to myself."

"Call me if –"

"I will. But, I'm fine. You don't have to worry. I've gotta go," she replied, walking fast towards the elevator.

He did not like this. She was scratching the scar on her face as she left, which was something he hadn't seen her do in ages. It was not a good sign that she had started doing it again. But, he had to respect her wish for privacy, so he let her go.

* * *

March 1st, 2183

It was the middle of the night when he finally gave up waiting for Shepard to be back and climbed inside his sleeper pod. A couple of hours ago, he had stopped receiving readings of her vitals from her suit, which meant she had taken it off.

He considered calling her, but it was very late, and he didn't want to put any pressure on her or make her feel like he was disturbing her alone time.

His tool started beeping with a call and, even before answering it, he knew it in his gut that there was something wrong and that it involved Shepard.

"Kaidan?"

"Emily? What happened? Is Shepard with you?"

"Yeah… I'm sorry to disturb you at this hour, but… do you think you could come over? Please. And, like, really fast?"

He was already out of the sleeper pod and getting into a pair of boots. "Where are you? How's Shepard?"

"We're at my apartment. You know where it is, right? I think she's having a nightmare about a fight. Or bad guys. Or Elysium. I don't know, but her biotics are out of control. Things are falling from the walls, and she knocked over the nightstand… I would wake her up, but I don't know how. I don't want to scare her. What if she thinks I'm trying to hurt her? I'm afraid to get too close, and‒"

"Don't. Do not get close to her. If she hurts you, she'll never forgive herself. Wait for me outside. I'll be right there."

* * *

Kaidan pulled up his barrier, just to be safe, as he approached Shepard. Her biotic corona was wavering and slowly fading; she had probably worn out her biotics before he had gotten there. He could tell it had been bad, because the bedroom looked like it had been hit by a hurricane. No wonder Emily had been scared.

Shepard looked so small in the bed, all curled up into herself and with her arms wrapped around her head. As he came closer, he heard her weeping and murmuring barely intelligible pleas and apologies in her sleep. It was heartbreaking.

Thirteen years had gone by since the attack on Mindoir. It had taken Shepard one year to talk about it for the first time. Two, to finally get a good night's sleep. Five, to be able to visit her old home again. And, six, to stop scratching her scarred cheek.

A month into this tour, though, and all the progress she had made throughout all these years had gone to waste. Kaidan was starting to have a bad feeling about this mission. The price Shepard was paying was too great already, and it did not look like they were anywhere near the end of it. What more was this tour going to cost her?

He sat on the bed, but before he could do anything else, she woke up by herself. For a moment, she seemed confused, looking around and trying to figure out where she was. When her eyes landed on him, she sighed in relief to see a familiar face.

"Kaidan," she breathed out his name, giving him a sad smile as she sat up on the bed. "I felt your biotics and then I knew it wasn't real, that I wasn't on Mindoir. It was just a… dream."

It did not escape him how she had avoided using the word  _nightmare_ ; she probably didn't want to admit she was having them again.

"Shepard..." Kaidan looked down, not knowing what to say. She had taken his advice earlier, but she had never answered him; if she wanted to keep things strictly professional between them, then he was already crossing a few lines now.

"Thank you."

He didn't think he had actually done anything, but he accepted her thanks nonetheless. This did not seem like the best moment to sort out their relationship anyway.

"Am I… at Emily's?"

"You don't remember coming here?" he asked, his eyebrows furrowing in concern.

She shook her head and grimaced to see the mess she had made on her friend's spare room. "Did she call you? Did I hurt her?"

"She's okay. She was just worried about you."

"I shouldn't have come here. I need to clean this up. And pay her for what I broke. Fuck."

"Shepard, what happened last night? You really don't remember coming here?"

"No, I… Can we talk about this later? I need a shower."

As she locked herself in the bathroom, Kaidan went to find Emily. The reporter had already come back inside her apartment and was waiting in the living room.

"She's awake now. Went for a shower," Kaidan told her.

"Did something happen to her yesterday?"

"Yeah. You could say so. There was this girl… a survivor from Mindoir. She was at the Docking Bay, threatening to kill herself."

Emily did not need to hear more. "Oh, that explains it."

"What? Did Shepard say anything?"

"No, but it was very late when she showed up here last night and she was drunk. Like, really really drunk. I had to help her out of her suit."

 _Again_ , Kaidan thought, remembering how he had found her passed out in her cabin with an empty bottle of whisky not too long ago, the night after they had returned from Eletania. He would have to talk to her about this before it became a problem. Or, maybe ask Dr. Chakwas to do it, if his help wasn't welcome anymore. Their mission was very demanding. They didn't have time for much else, let alone therapy or hobbies. But, they would have to figure something out. She needed to find an alternate coping mechanism; something healthy and that wouldn't add to her problems. Drinking definitely wasn't it.


	41. Ghosts from the Past - Part 2

March 3rd, 2183

"Is everyone okay? Tali? Wrex? Vakarian?" Shepard turned with some difficulty to check on her companions. They were all upside-down, being held in their seats by their safety harnesses.

"Honestly, Shepard, I didn't think it was possible to land the Mako overturned like this. Its safety mechanisms were supposed to prevent this from happening."

"Glad you're okay,Vakarian," she replied. It felt like all her blood was going to her head and it was starting to hurt. She needed to find a way to get out of the Mako and flip it back upright.

"It was not bad driving. We were hit," Tali said. Further indication that she was right were all the blinking red lights on the Mako's panel.

"Okay, but hit by what?" Garrus asked. "Why is it not attacking us anymore?"

"Thresher maw," Wrex said, unstrapping his harness and falling head first on the Mako's ceiling as if it was nothing. "Must've gone back under the dirt. They're not very smart. I'll take care of it."

Thresher maw? That was the thing that had killed Caetano and his entire squad except for Jarell on Akuze six years ago. How were they supposed to fight it with just the four of them? Fuck! She should've brought heavier weapons.

Wrex was already forcing the door open to leave the Mako. Shepard couldn't let him go alone, so she unbuckled her harness but used her hands for support, so she wouldn't fall on her head like the krogan had.

Garrus and Tali were already following her when Wrex turned back to speak to Shepard, "Tell the quarian to stay here. Threshers spit acid. If it burns a hole through her suit, she's dead."

"My name is Tali! And thank you for the concern, but I can take care of myself," Tali replied.

As they were coming out of the vehicle, the thresher's acid spit hit one of the tires and it started to dissolve right in front of them.

"Stay inside, Tali!" Shepard ordered. "Work on fixing the Mako so we can't get out of here!" Wrex was right; he, Vakarian, and the commander could survive if the acid breached their armor, but a quarian might not.

This shitstorm had started immediately after they had come out of the relay in the Artemis Tau Cluster. The Normandy had picked up a distress signal with an Alliance signature coming from the planet Edolus, in the Sparta System, and, since there had been no other Alliance ships in the area, the commander had decided to make one last stop before going to Therum.

She had asked Joker to drop the Mako as close as possible to the source of the signal, and this wide area of plains had seemed perfect for a drop. But then, even before having touched the ground, the Mako had been hit.

Now, her ride was flipped over; she was shooting at a thresher maw with a fucking pistol; the krogan looked like he had gone berserk, chortling loudly and bellowing about his kroganhood as he sprayed the beast with bullets; and Vakarian was running around on the sand while trying to handle a huge sniper rifle and dodging killer spit… it looked like the turian could really use a pair of wings.

Since her pistol didn't seem to be doing much damage, Shepard started using singularities to distract the thresher and give Garrus and Wrex the opportunity to land more hits.

Eventually, the monster went down, and the commander had to sit on the ground for a moment to catch her breath.

"The head is mine!" Wrex yelled as he rushed over to the thresher's carcass.

"Sure," Shepard said, but then jumped to her feet and went after him as the realization hit her. "Wait, what?"

"I'm taking the head," Wrex informed her.

"Taking it where? You're not bringing that on my ship. Where are you going to put it?"

"Are we just going to leave it here? You can't kill a thresher maw and not brag about it, Shepard. That's not how it's done."

"Can't you just take the antennae or whatever those things on its face are?" Garrus suggested, joining them by the dead thresher's side.

Shepard turned to the turian, making him a gesture to cut it out, but it only made him look confused. Apparently, her gesture was a human thing only and it meant nothing to turians. Why hadn't she brought Kaidan and Ashley with her instead of a party of aliens only? Oh, right. She had wanted all the different species on her ship to get used to working together, so they would be more cohesive as a team. That was what any good CO would do, wasn't it? Plus, she wanted to give Kaidan some extra time to rest after she had made him lose a night's sleep by showing up drunk at Emily's and scaring the shit out of her friend.

They all jumped and drew their weapons as they heard the boom from a cannon being fired. Shepard breathed out in relief to see it was Tali who had made the Mako's cannon work, and had fired a shot into the ground, as close to the vehicle as possible, trying to take advantage of the weapon's force to flip the Mako back over.

It  _almost_  worked.

"Do it again, Tali," Shepard said on the comm. "Wrex and I will pull it biotically from the other side to see if we can get it to fall upright. Let's go, Wrex."

"The head is mine," he warned the turian, as if Garrus were going to take the thresher's head while the krogan wasn't looking.

Shepard rolled her eyes at Wrex as Vakarian shook his head to assure her he did not want it. She would deal with this later. Right now, the priority was to fix the Mako, so they could get out of there.

* * *

Ashley and Kaidan came running as the ground team climbed out of the Mako on the Hangar Deck.

"Oh, my God! What is that?" Williams asked, pointing to the long, weird, scaly…  _thing_  precariously tied to the hood of the Mako.

"A compromise," Shepard replied, as Wrex took down his trophy with a proud smile on his face.

He dragged the thresher's claw across the deck and settled it by the lockers. "Hey, Shepard, these lockers are too small."

"No kidding!" Ashley teased him.

"Not my problem, Wrex," Shepard said. "Vakarian, talk to the requisitions officer and order a new spare tire to replace the one we used today."

Wrex looked around, trying without success to figure out a place to store it. "All right. I'll just leave it here then. Tell everyone that it's mine and that they are not to take it." He turned to Garrus. "I'll be watching you, turian."

"No one wants it, Wrex," Shepard said as Garrus was rolling his eyes and, again, shaking his head.

"Commander, what did you find down there? What is that thing?" Kaidan asked, walking with Shepard towards the elevator.

"Tali, please, send that picture you took planetside to the whole crew," she said.

"Yes, Shepard," the quarian replied, already taking care of it.

Kaidan's tool pinged from receiving the file and, as he lowered his head to check it, Shepard got inside the elevator and pressed the button for the crew deck. His mouth fell open to see a photo of Vakarian, Wrex, and the commander posing on top of a humongous dead creature: one of the ill-famed thresher maws.

The sentinel looked up again just in time to catch Shepard winking at him as the elevator door closed.

* * *

He probably wouldn't want to talk to her. No doubt he still resented her. But, Shepard had to talk to him and she would make him listen to her even if she had to take a page from Major Nascimento's book and tell Jarell to shut the fuck up and do as he was told. She was a commander after all, and he was still a lieutenant.

"Lieutenant Turner."

"Shepard?" Jarell was looking at her like she was the last person he had expected to receive a call from. "Ma'am," he added in an attempt to fix his breach to protocol.

"I know I'm not exactly your favorite person, so I'll make this brief and straight to the point. I found a missing Alliance marine unit today. Admiral Kahoku's men. They were killed by a thresher maw after being lured to its nest by a transmitter sending a false Alliance distress signal."

"This… Are you sure? Shepard, this is exactly what happened to my unit on…"

"Akuze. I know, Jarell, and I'm sorry to bring it up. But, whoever set that trap up for your unit, they might have just done it again." She remembered when Jarell had been rescued, the state he'd been in. And, how most of the bodies of the soldiers in his unit, including Caetano's, had been never found. If she could help it, she wasn't going to let anyone else go through that. Back in 77, Major Nascimento hadn't allowed her to join the search parties. Now, he couldn't do anything to stop her and she was was going to get to the bottom of this. "I know this is hard, but if there's anything you can tell me about Akuze, anything that can help me find the people behind this…"

"Damn." Jarell lowered his face to his hand, frowning.

"I have a ship, resources, and a team. I can bring them to justice. All I need is something to go on; a clue, a place to look, anything. I talked to Admiral Kahoku, but he has no idea of who could be behind this. I need your help."

He took a moment to consider his options and she took his hesitation as a bad sign.

"Jarell, this is our chance to find out who's responsible for killing all those marines and make them pay. I'm not trying to be back in your life. Just point me in the right direction and I'll leave you al–"

"Let me come with you." His eyes met hers again on the screen.

"What?" She hadn't seen that coming.

"Let me come with you."

"This is my command, Jarell. You'll have to defer to my authority."

"I know and I will. Let me come with you, ma'am. Please. I have a lead on this. A good one. I can tell you the details when we meet."

After a moment's hesitation, she agreed. "All right. I… I'll make the arrangements."

"Thank you, ma'am."

She just hoped this wouldn't blow up in her face.

* * *

The crew was clearing the mess after dinner when Joker announced a change of course and the ETA for their new destination. Kaidan was surprised to hear it, especially when they were already so close to arriving on Therum.

"Commander, why Earth?" Ashley asked.

Kaidan was curious about it, too, and he approached the women.

"We're going to pick someone up in Rio," the commander replied.

"Who is it? New crew member?"

"Lieutenant Jarell Turner."

Ashley looked shocked to hear it. "We're not replacing the LT, are we?"

"No. I would never do that, Williams. Kaidan is an essential part of our team; he's my… right-hand man." Shepard might be talking to Ashley, but her eyes were on the sentinel. "Turner will be staying on the Normandy, but it'll be temporary. Just until we take care of some business."

Kaidan didn't know what he thought of that. Wasn't finding Saren supposed to be their top priority? Shepard had complained about every detour Admiral Hackett had asked her to make so far. Why was bringing Jarell Turner on board suddenly so important? And, why Jarell of all people?

"Wait. Jarell Turner? Isn't he the sole survivor from Akuze?" Williams asked, and Shepard nodded in response. "Oh, my god! Where do you know him from, commander? N-School? I've always wanted to meet him. He's so..."

"Brave?"

"I was going to say hot but, yeah, brave, too."

It made Shepard laugh to see Ash so excited. "Don't worry, chief. I'll introduce you. He's one of the best soldiers I've ever met. I think you're going to get along great."

"Will he be going groundside with us on our next assignments?"

"He will."

"Yes! I can't wait!" Before returning to her work station on the Hangar Deck, Ashley playfully punched Kaidan's arm. "Our shore party will be unstoppable, LT. Can you believe we're going to see two N7s in action, working together? This is going to be awesome!"

Despite not sharing her excitement, the sentinel still managed to smile at her.

"You look like you want to talk about this, lieutenant. Come on." Shepard made a gesture for him to follow her into her cabin.

There was actually a long list of things he wanted to talk to her about. This was just one of them.

* * *

"Going to Earth is going to delay us by several days, Shepard. Are you sure about this?" he asked her the moment her door closed behind them.

"I have to do this, Kaidan." She knew he wouldn't like this answer, but it was the truth; this was how she felt about this whole situation.

"That's the same thing you said when you were considering using your Spectre status to free a criminal."

"This has nothing to do with that."

"Give me a real reason for us to be doing this, Shepard. I think I deserve at least that."

"Fine." With a long blink and a deep breath, she started. "After Jarell was rescued, I went to see him. He was... broken. Just like I was after the raid." She had seen her younger self in Jarell's empty eyes, in his indifference, and she had hated that she didn't know how to help him. So, when he blamed her for what had happened to him, she took it; it was the only thing she could do for him at that moment. "He needs closure. I needed it, too, and you helped me find it, eight years ago, when I returned to Mindoir. Now, I have the chance to do the same for him. How could I not?"

"That's admirable, Shepard, but he's going to come on board and then what? We have no leads on who's setting up these traps."

"Jarell does."

"All right," he sighed. "You're the commander. I shouldn't have interfered." He was turning to leave when she put a hand on his arm. He stopped, but did not look at her.

"Kaidan, that favor Ty asked me… I didn't do it."

"You still reamed me out for having an opinion, Shepard. I thought we respected each other more than that."

"You're right and I'm sorry. You've been invaluable to the team. To me. Ty and Mano, I guess they were my blind spots. You helped me see things clearly."

"Ty and Mano, but not Jarell?"

"It's... different with Jarell."

"How is it different, Shepard? We were less than a day from Therum, but now we're heading to Earth instead. I thought our mission was to stop Saren." He sounded disappointed and he still wasn't looking at her; it was driving her crazy.

"This is not just about Jarell. It's about Kahoku's men. It's about Commander Correa, who was one of the few friends I had in Rio. Someone is feeding marines to thresher maws, Kaidan. We have to do something about it." Well, it didn't  _have to_  be them to investigate this. They already had their mission and their orders, and taking care of this thresher problem was not part of it. There were thousands of other officers in the Alliance who could conduct this investigation.

Kaidan was aware of that. He nodded in agreement, but she didn't think he was buying into her reasoning. He was probably taking this as confirmation that he was right and that Jarell was indeed one of her blind spots.

"Jarell is an N7. He can take care of this without you, Shepard. But... I see your point. We're involved in this, too. That distress beacon lured us to Edolus. We fell into the same trap Kahoku's men did. I agree that we should investigate and get to the bottom of this. But, it doesn't have to be now. We were already so close to Therum. Why not meet with Dr. T'Soni first?"

She had to admit that going to Therum first, and then to Earth, would've been the more logical thing to do.

"Shepard, is it because Dr. T'Soni is an asari?" He was looking at her now, searching for the truth in her eyes, because he knew her enough to know it couldn't always be found in her words.

She had tried not to think too much about this, but when this problem with the thresher maws had come up, she had felt a little bit relieved at having a reason to postpone the trip to Therum. Commander Shepard, N7, Hero of the Blitz and first human Spectre, was afraid of meeting an asari scientist.

"No. It's not that." She broke eye contact and then immediately regretted doing it. He would pick up on that and he would know she wasn't being totally honest with him.

"Hey, you won't be alone there, Shepard. She won't get into your mind against your will."

"It's not just that." Lisa leaned on her desk, letting out a heavy sigh. "She's in a fucking Prothean dig site. Every piece of Prothean garbage we've come across so far has messed with my brain. Every. Single. One."

"Shepard..."

"I'll carry on with the job, Kaidan. God knows I always do. But, I need to take a breath before searching for a fucking asari in a damned Prothean dig site."

"Okay. I understand."

"You do?" she asked, eyebrows raised.

"Yeah. What? You're surprised?"

"Well, you're not exactly the most open-minded and understanding guy out there."

He frowned, looking slightly offended. "And you're definitely not the most honest, Shepard."

Now, it was her turn to look offended. "Maybe it would be easier for me to be honest with you if you weren't so judgmental."

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"Are we done here?" he asked her after taking a deep breath.

"Yes. You can go, lieutenant."

As he walked away, she slammed her fist on her desk, and then buried her face in her hands, trying not to scream in frustration. How had they managed to make things even worse?

* * *

March 7th, 2183

It was their first briefing with Jarell on board, and the N7 told Shepard and her crew about the lead he had for them to start the investigation on the thresher maw attacks.

"Captain Anderson contacted me and said someone is killing former Alliance scientists who had worked on a classified project on Akuze. He wanted to send me to investigate, figured I would be interested. He even talked to Major Nascimento about it and the major agreed. The project dates coincide with with the attack that killed my unit," Turner said.

"You think these scientists might have been behind the attacks somehow?" Shepard asked.

"I don't know, but it's worth investigating. Major Nascimento was going to give me a team, but then you told me about Edolus and Kahoku's men, and that you wanted to investigate this, too. I thought joining up with you would get us results faster."

Shepard looked into his eyes. "We'll find out who's behind this and put an end to it, lieutenant," she promised.

After the briefing was over and the crew had left, Jarell stayed behind. "Shepard, do you have a moment?" he asked.

"Of course, lieutenant. What's on your mind?"

He winced to hear her using his rank even if there was no one else in the comm room with them. "I guess this is my fault."

"What are you talking about?"

He looked around as if to make sure they were alone, even though he knew they were. "Akuze was the worst thing to ever happen to me, Shepard. And… that's saying something. I was traumatized and guilt-ridden. Putting the blame on someone else made it easier to bear. But, I know it was not your fault and I'm sorry for saying it was. I shouldn't have thrown that at you."

She had not been expecting an apology. "All these years… I thought you hated me."

"I should've said I was sorry years ago, but I was too ashamed of what I'd done. I didn't think you'd ever want to see me again."

"I thought  _you_  wouldn't want to see me again."

"Yeah, but you still called me and you offered me a chance to make things right. Now, I'm taking it: I'm sorry, Shepard. Do you think you can forgive me?"

Her response was to smile at him and offer him her hand for a handshake. "We're good, Turner. Don't worry."

He took her hand to pull her into his arms, giving her a hug. "Damn, girl. I missed you."

* * *

March 8th, 2183

Shepard was not one to stay up late, but Kaidan noticed how she and Jarell were still talking in the mess when most of the crew had already retired for the night. The last thing he heard before climbing into his pod was the sound of her laughter; low and collected, but still laughter, and not of the self-deprecating or mirthless kind. It was the first time he had heard her having a genuine laugh ever since this mission had started, and it was good to hear it, even if it was not for him nor with him.

* * *

March 9th, 2183

During breakfast, Kaidan noticed how Jarell brought Shepard coffee with just a spot of milk, the way she liked it; how Shepard stole a bite of his grilled cheese; how he teased her for eating too much; how they left together for a workout session.

Ever since coming aboard the Normandy, Kaidan had been watching himself around Shepard, trying to act professional whenever there were people around. He didn't want anyone to think they could be fraternizing. And, now, Jarell was there, acting all familiar with her and giving zero fucks as to what anyone else would think. Wasn't that just great?

A couple of hours later and the crew was rushing to the Hangar Deck as word came out that the two N7s were sparring. Kaidan stayed right where he was, updating the terminals on the the crew deck. He didn't want to see Shepard and Jarell in workout clothes, grabbing each other and rolling on the floor, all sweaty and panting. No, thank you. It was bad enough just imagining it.

It didn't take long until he was receiving vids of the match on his tool, though. Several crewmembers were recording it, of course. He ignored the notifications and tried to concentrate on his task, until he heard her coming out of the elevator with Turner.

"Thanks for the fight, lieutenant. I needed it."

"Nothing like a good hand-to-hand to relieve some stress."

"Couldn't agree more. Same time tomorrow?"

"Only if you promise not to cheat. I'll be confiscating your amp."

"Couldn't let the crew see their commander get her ass kicked. Wouldn't be good for morale."

"You're just postponing the inevitable, Shepard. Now that I know you fight dirty, I'll be ready. Tomorrow, you're getting your ass kicked."

"We'll see about that, Turner."

"I'm gonna hit the showers. Catch you later?"

"Sure."

As she was passing by the mess, she spotted Kaidan and gave him a polite nod before going into her cabin.

How had they gone from barely being able to keep their hands off each other to this? It was like they were worlds apart again.

At least Shepard looked more relaxed, and it wasn't because she had been drinking. If there was a silver lining to Jarell being there, spending all this time with her, this was it.

* * *

March 10th, 2183

Kaidan was on the bridge, talking to the relief pilot — even Joker had left his chair and gone to the Hangar Deck to watch Jarell and Shepard spar — when Dr. Chakwas summoned him to the medbay.

Because of his medic specialization, whenever the doctor needed help, he was the one she called.

As he got to the crew deck, he saw the droplets of blood on the floor, forming a trail from the elevator to the medbay. He remembered hearing the two N7s talking about fighting dirty the day before. Of course, things had gone sideways. Hoping that Shepard hadn't gotten herself hurt was probably too naive and optimistic.

He saw Turner first, his face covered in blood. Then, he saw the commander. She had her head tilted back in a fruitless effort to stop the flow of blood that was running down from her nose.

"Lieutenant Alenko, will you take care of the cut on Lieutenant Turner's eyebrow while I put the commander's nose back in place? Supplies are on the table." Chakwas pointed Kaidan to a tray with medical gloves, antiseptic, cotton balls, medi-gel, and bandages.

Without a word, Kaidan put on the gloves and started cleaning the cut on Jarell's face. Despite his utter annoyance at the situation, the sentinel tried to hold it all in and keep his expression impassive the whole time.

"No sparring for the next few days, commander," Chakwas warned Shepard as soon as she was done with her nose.

"Don't worry, doctor. We're going planetside tomorrow, so we probably won't have time for a rematch until… the day after tomorrow."

"Oh, you're on, Shepard," Jarell replied.

"I'd advise waiting a week for your nose and the lieutenant's eyebrow to heal properly," Chakwas insisted.

"You heard the doc, Turner. We can only hit below the neck for the next few days."

Sighing tiredly, Dr. Chakwas shook her head at them.

"You should come down for a match, too, Kaidan. You look like you could use it," Shepard said, giving his shoulder a squeeze before she left.

As soon as the door slid closed behind her, Kaidan gave up pretending he was okay with this situation. "You hurt her?"

"I'll give you two some privacy," Chakwas said, going into the adjacent room.

"I gave her what she needed," Jarell replied, getting up from the cot where he had been sitting.

"How is a broken nose what she needed?"

"It was just a minor fracture. We got carried away. It happens."

Shaking his head, Kaidan removed his gloves and tossed them on the tray. "All done. You're going to be fine, lieutenant," he said, his irritation showing in his tone.

As Jarell walked out, Chakwas came back in.

"We all need some stress relief, Alenko. But, maybe you can think of a less hazardous activity for the commander. I'm sure she'd be open to your suggestions," the doctor said, giving him a knowing look.

Was she saying what he thought she was? Was everyone on to him and Shepard? Had they been going through all this trouble of not breaking fraternization regs for nothing?

* * *

March 11th, 2183

"Let  _me_  do it," Jarell interrupted Toombs in an attempt to spare the corporal from doing something that would make his life even harder.

"Damn it, Turner. This is my kill. You got out with a few scratches and a scary reputation. I'm the one they tortured."

"Toombs, if you kill him, you're a criminal. But, we're N7s. Shepard's a Spectre. We can make this go away. No one will question us." Jarell looked at the commander for confirmation and she nodded in agreement.

"What?" Kaidan couldn't believe his eyes. He thought they had gone to Ontarom to save the scientists. Instead, Turner was offering to execute the only one left without a trial and in cold blood. And, Shepard had just given him her blessing.

"Kaidan, Vakarian, we have the situation under control here. Can you please wait outside?" the commander asked them.

"Yes, commander," Garrus replied and left.

"Shepard," Kaidan started, but she didn't let him finish.

"Do I have to make it an order, lieutenant?"

The sentinel pressed his lips together in a thin line and walked away, his hands balling into fists.

"You can't join up with a Spectre and expect them to follow all the rules," Garrus said once Kaidan had caught up with him outside the facility.

"We're still Alliance."

"Shepard and Turner are N7s. At C-Sec, we used to say they were the ones the Alliance called to... take out the trash, if you know what I mean. Every military organization has a group like that, one who gets the job done, no matter the cost."

"Shepard is not like that."

The noise of a single shot being fired that came from inside the facility made Kaidan wince and grimace.

"It looks like she is," Garrus replied.


	42. Talk Turkey

It was already late when they left Ontarom. Shepard had contacted the Fifth Fleet, requesting a pickup for Toombs, but Jarell hadn't wanted to leave his old squadmate behind again, so they had all waited planetside with him.

As they climbed out of the Mako, back on the Normandy, Jarell looked lost. Kaidan watched as Shepard guided him to the lockers and helped him out of his armor. No words were exchanged. Neither of them had spoken much since their talk outside the facility on Ontarom while still waiting for the pickup for Toombs.

" _Maybe now the screaming will stop," Toombs said and the N7s exchanged a haunted look._

_Jarell put a hand on the corporal's shoulder. "I'm sorry, man."_

" _You have to keep on going," Shepard said._

Kaidan had felt like he had just witnessed something very private. Two of the toughest and most famous soldiers in the Alliance — the Hero of the Blitz and the Sole Survivor of Akuze — being caught off guard by such a simple question, looking vulnerable and uncertain.

They shared something Kaidan couldn't even begin to understand. Shepard had lost everyone once. Jarell had lost his entire unit. It had changed them to the point that they had seen no problem in executing an unarmed man in cold blood. Revenge had become a valid option.

The silence grew heavy on the Hangar Deck. No one else but Alenko and Vakarian knew what had happened groundside, but there was this lingering tension in the air that made everyone clear the area, leaving the two N7s alone.

Kaidan left, too. It felt like he would be intruding if he stayed. He had never felt so out of place on the Normandy before. Shepard and Jarell had so much in common and so much history together, and they understood each other in a way Kaidan didn't think he would ever understand. Had he been wrong all this time? Was Jarell the one for her and he was getting in their way?

* * *

March 12th, 2183

"So, what did you find out? Did you talk to Kahoku?" Jarell asked Shepard as he came into her cabin.

She made a gesture for him to sit on her bed with her and passed him the bottle of whisky she had been drinking from. "All evidence points to Cerberus. Toombs' statement was just further confirmation."

"Damn." Jarell took a swig and returned the bottle.

"Kahoku found out they have facilities in the Yangtze System." She couldn't wait to go after Cerberus again. This was business that had been left unfinished since she had first served under Anderson on the SSV New Delhi.

"He  _found out_? How?"

"My guess would be that he resorted to unofficial means. He doesn't want to take this to the brass."

"He's right, you know?"

"Yeah." Back in '75, someone high up in the chain of command had given Anderson a promotion and a new assignment just to get him to drop the investigation on Cerberus. They might have gone rogue, but that didn't change the fact that Cerberus was an organization born and bred within the Alliance. And, they were already shady and unscrupulous long before cutting their ties with the military. Anyone who looked close enough would eventually get to the members of the brass that were to blame for Cerberus' existence.

"So, are we headed to the Voyager Cluster now?" Jarell asked.

Shepard nodded. "I already gave the coordinates to Joker."

"Good. I'm glad I'm not doing this alone, Shepard."

"If I can help you get some closure, that's all that matters."

The lieutenant looked down. "This kinda makes me feel ashamed. When you went to Mindoir, I was so upset about Alenko being there with you, I didn't stop to think about how important it was to you to go back there and face that place again."

"Kaidan helped me more than any doctor or therapist. But, you and I were dating back then, so I understand why you would be upset; I wasn't being completely honest with you."

"We were both young and stupid, Shepard," Jarell said, taking the bottle again. "I'd like to think we know better now."

"Maybe," she sighed, thinking of how Kaidan had complained just a few days ago — and not without reason — about her not being honest with him. "But, I don't think I could have handled going back to Mindoir without him. I would've fallen apart if he hadn't been there with me."

"Damn. He really is important to you, isn't he?"

"More than anyone else."

"You should tell him that," the lieutenant said.

"He knows."

"Are you sure? You're bad at showing your feelings, Shepard. And, I've seen the way he looks at us. At first, I thought he was jealous. But, now… I don't know anymore. He just looks sad and resigned."

"We had a fight right before you came on board," she admitted.

"I didn't know. That's too bad."

"This mission is taking a toll on all of us. But, once it's over, Kaidan and I will give our relationship another try."

"Are you sure you want to wait until the mission is over?"

"There are regs, Jarell. You know that."

"Yes, but there are quite a few of them you're already breaking." He gave the bottle of whisky a pointed look to prove his point before passing it over to her.

She exhaled loudly and took a long swig, eyes downcast. "I know."

"I have to confess: I enjoy that Alenko feels threatened by me. It boosts my ego."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "As if you need a bigger ego. You used to feel threatened by him, too, when we were dating. Remember?"

"Threatened? Shepard, I lost you to him. It was always him for you. I never had a chance. But, hey, that's fine. We weren't meant to be. I realized that when I met Riley."

"How are things between you two?"

"We've been living together for almost a year now. I think she is it for me. We've even talked about having kids."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I mean, we talked about it and decided to have none. We're both in the Ns; you know what this life is like."

She nodded. "I remember Caetano telling me, the day we had met, that I'd rarely have a free night being in the special forces. And that, when I'd have one, I'd either be too tired or too injured to go out or do anything else."

"True that," Jarell agreed.

"He was a good friend," Shepard said, staring pensively at a random spot on the floor.

"And a good CO," he added, putting his arm around her.

She leaned her head on his shoulder and they drank in companionable silence for a while.

"This is nice. I've missed this," Shepard said with a soft sigh.

"What? The whisky?" Jarell asked just to tease her.

"Us. Our friendship, you asshole," she replied, playfully elbowing him on the ribs.

* * *

March 13th, 2183

"LT, what happened? I thought you and the commander were together."

"What? Why?" Kaidan had just sat down at the mess table with his coffee mug. He was barely awake and Ashley was already putting him on the spot and asking complicated questions.

She nodded towards the hallway, where Jarell was coming down from Shepard's cabin in wrinkled fatigues that were clearly from the day before.

Kaidan felt a lump forming in his throat, his gut twisting into knots. He wanted to run away from there but, at the same time, he couldn't move. Shock, disappointment, humiliation, anger, hurt; he was feeling everything at once and it was overwhelming.

The N7 met his gaze and stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes wide, before grimacing and lowering his face to his palm. It was not a reaction Kaidan expected Jarell to have in this situation.

"Chief, I need to have a word with Lieutenant Alenko. Can you give us some privacy?" the N7 asked Williams.

"Yes, sir," she replied, quickly disappearing with her mug.

Kaidan was rooted to his chair. If he moved, he was sure he was going to break something. His fists were clenched so tight, his knuckles were turning white. "You don't have to say anything, lieutenant. I –"

"Actually, lieutenant, I do." Jarell poured half a mug of coffee with a spot of milk and sat down facing Kaidan at the mess table. "I noticed my relationship with Shepard was bothering you, but I didn't say anything. I let you think… Damn. Let's just say I let my pride get the best of me."

Kaidan looked at him, trying to see through this sheer agony he was feeling and understand what the other man was saying.

"Look, Alenko, I'm just her friend and that's all I want to be. There's nothing going on between us. There hasn't been for eight years. I have a girlfriend back on Earth and yours is in there," Jarell made a gesture to the commander's quarters, "and she could use a cup of coffee." The N7 pushed the coffee with a spot of milk he had just poured towards Kaidan, who was still trying to process what he had heard.

Was it true? Shepard and Jarell hadn't slept together? He hadn't lost her?

After a moment's hesitation, the sentinel took the mug and walked over to her cabin. Jarell looked like he was being honest, but Kaidan was afraid to trust him completely and, then, have to watch everything fall apart again.

The door to her room swished opened and the first thing Kaidan noticed was the empty bottle of whisky on the floor by the bed. That was probably why Jarell had said she could use a cup of coffee.

"Hey, Kaidan," Shepard spoke softly, catching his attention. She hadn't changed yet and was wearing shorts and a black tank top with the N7 logo.

"Coffee?"

"Thanks." With a polite smile, she took the mug, careful not to brush her fingers against his.

It just seemed so wrong that she would avoid touching him like that. He hoped they weren't broken beyond repair.

"Hey..." He took her free hand in his, stopping her from walking away, and she looked up at him.

Her eyes searched his face, trying to make sense of what he was doing. She looked both surprised and confused, as if his hand on hers was something completely unexpected.

"I've talked to Jarell," he said.

"What about?"

"His relationship with you. Actually, he talked and I… listened."

"You know he and I are friends, right? Nothing else."

"That's what he said and he told me to come here."

"You mean you talked to him  _now_?" She grimaced. "So, you saw him coming out of here. Fuck. I know how this looks, but there is nothing going on between us. You have to believe me, because I really don't want to fight over this."

It was still early in the morning cycle, but she already sounded tired. He didn't want to be responsible for making her feel this way. She was in a stressful position, being the first human Spectre, commanding the best Alliance ship, and in charge of stopping Saren. He should be helping her; not adding to her problems. It was past time they talked and set things straight between them.

"I do. I believe you."

She blinked at him, a suspicious look on her face. It was never this easy with him. "You do?"

"I do. Shepard, for a few moments there, I was in hell. Seeing him walking out of here this morning," Kaidan let out a short mirthless laugh, "I thought it was over. I thought I had lost you again and I… I couldn't bear it."

With a sad and concerned look on her face, she set down her mug and took a step closer to him. "Kaidan, there's no one else for me. There never was. Being with you is the one thing I have to look forward to after this mission."

Listening to her say that, it was like drawing breath again after having drowned; knowing that he hadn't lost her, that they both wanted the same thing… it filled him with hope.

"But, I'm not the woman you thought I was. I see you looking hurt and disappointed and I know that I caused it, but I don't know how to fix it. I can't be what you expect of me. I can only be myself and I don't know if that's who you want to be with…" She trailed off as he let go of her hand, his fingers slowly running up her arm, skimming over the N7 tattoo she had gotten and that he had only found out about the day she had been unconscious and he had helped the doctor get her out of her armor. He hadn't had time to appreciate it then.

"Shepard," he began, but shook his head and took a deep breath; he could do better than this. This was his chance to make things right with her once and for all and he was going to take it. "Lisa, I know that we don't always see eye to eye, but that doesn't change the way I feel about you. I... I love you. I've always loved you, through all these years, through everything."

She lifted her gaze to meet his, her eyes warmer now.

"I'm sorry that I made you think you couldn't count on me," he said. "But, please, don't push me away again. I want to help you. You're not alone in this."

With his thumb, he traced her jaw, her chin, and then her lower lip. Her mouth parted and a faint breathy moan escaped her as her biotic corona took form around her. His eyes fell shut for a moment as he, too, relinquished control, letting dark energy envelop him.

Slowly, he bent down until his lips touched hers. He kissed her softly, breathing her in, taking his time without deepening the kiss. Her arms curled around him and he felt her shudder, as if fighting the urge to let things escalate. She had always been more impatient than him and, when her tongue brushed his lips, he gave in and let her change the pace and take this as far as she wanted to.

Their bodies were pressed impossibly close together and her hands were clutching his back, his uniform, his skin; her grasp was so tight it was almost painful. Desire and responsibility were waging a war within her. They served together and they were on duty. She was his commander. There were so many regs they were already breaking without even taking their clothes off.

"Kaidan," she breathed out his name, breaking the kiss, "we shouldn't."

He lowered his forehead to touch hers, his hands still tight around her waist. "I know."

They let their biotics settle down, but didn't let go of each other.

"When this tour is over..." she said, and he nodded.

Before parting, they kissed again, lightly and quickly so they wouldn't feel too tempted to stay inside her quarters for the rest of the day.

* * *

March 14th, 2183

Shepard took advantage of the Normandy's stealth systems to secretly scan the surface of Binthu, searching for the Cerberus research facility Kahoku had mentioned. What she discovered was that the organization actually had three facilities on the planet.

They would have to hit all of them simultaneously, otherwise they would lose the element of surprise and give their enemies time to escape.

The low visibility on the planet's surface — a result of its toxic atmosphere of carbon dioxide, with clouds of sulphur dioxide and a haze of chlorine — allowed the Normandy to land without being seen less than five klicks from the first objective, and the commander went ashore with her entire ground team, a marine detail, and the Mako.

They headed together towards the labs, some of them on foot, some inside the Mako, and some riding on top of it. Kaidan was driving the tank slowly, keeping pace with his squadmates that were on foot.

As they approached the first facility, Fire Team Alpha — Turner, Wrex, and Tali — took position and stayed hidden, waiting for the other teams to reach the other two labs so they could start the attack.

One klick ahead, Fire Team Bravo — Shepard, Williams, and Vakarian — split from the group to take out the second facility.

Kaidan and his marine detail — Fire Team Charlie — continued on to the third and last lab.

Once Shepard received radio confirmation that they were all in position, she ordered all teams to begin the attack. It had taken them hours to set up this coordinated offense, and she hated splitting her ground party like that, but it was the right course of action in this situation. Cerberus was laying down traps for marines, luring them to thresher maws' nests, and torturing the survivors. That was monstrous. She was going to end them to the last man. Not a single one of those fuckers would escape, not if she could help it.

* * *

Kaidan was tired but, despite the late hour in the night cycle, he didn't think he would be able to sleep yet. What he had seen on Binthu, he wouldn't forget it any time soon. He had been the one to find Kahoku's body, marked by needles and torture and tossed aside like trash; it was revolting. And all those husks, confined together, clawing at each other… those were people once. That was not science; it was cruelty, plain and simple.

Now, he understood why Toombs had been so thirsty for revenge. Cerberus had no scruples. The ones that worked for them were just as evil, otherwise they wouldn't comply with those practices. What kind of human being was capable of doing that to another?

"Can't sleep either?" Shepard asked, joining him in the mess by the coffeemaker.

"Yeah. Maybe we could continue that talk we started earlier?"

She nodded and made a gesture for him to follow her into her quarters.

"First of all, I just want to say that you were right," he started once the door closed behind them. "Cerberus needs to be stopped. I'm glad we're doing this."

"I just hope all this delay pays off. Saren is running loose while we chase Cerberus down."

"Hey, you made the right choice. Someone needed to take care of this. Cerberus could not continue unopposed."

"You know, I had given orders that we were not to take any prisoners today, but I wasn't so sure you'd follow them. I kind of expected you to try and bring the scientists in alive so they could be taken to trial," she said while retrieving a bottle of whisky and two glasses from her stash.

"You're surprised that I changed my mind, or that I followed your orders? Shepard, I'm not as thickheaded as you and Ma seem to think. You were right. You're my superior officer. I let what I feel for you speak louder. I wanted to protect you, to keep you from making mistakes. But, I'll watch myself now. I won't question your orders in front of your crew," he said, and accepted the glass of whisky, taking a swig. It had been a long day. They both could use a drink. He just hoped he could convince her not to finish the bottle by herself after he left her room.

"Thank you. I know I don't often show it, but you've been looking out for me and I appreciate it. Your opinion is not unwelcome. It's good to have a different perspective. I have to admit, sometimes I let my… baggage interfere with my better judgment."

"Yeah, I know."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "That's why you said you won't question me  _in front of my crew_."

"Look, Shepard, I –"

"No, that's okay. That's good. It works for me," she said with a smile, clinking her glass to his to show him that she meant it.

"You know, we should find you another way to relieve stress," he said with a pointed look to the drink in her hand.

"I've tried sparring with Jarell, but you didn't look like you approved of it either." She gave him a teasing look, her eyes more bright and lively than he'd seen in days.

"You think I was jealous?"

"I know you were."

"Well, I'm an only child. I'm not used to sharing."

Looking amused, she shook her head. "I left him for you once. You remember that, right?"

And, then, she had left him for the special forces. But, that thought would ruin the moment, so he didn't voice it. Still, the mood shifted. Maybe she was thinking the same thing.

"Do you think we'll ever have time for… us?" she asked, looking serious now. "I know that I asked you to wait for this tour to end, but… what if they keep me in charge of the Normandy? What if you're still my staff lieutenant? What are we going to do then?"

At the same time that he didn't want to serve under anyone else but her, he also wanted them to be together as a couple again. And, those two things just couldn't go together. The Alliance wouldn't allow it. "We'll figure it out."

He finished his drink in one large gulp and set down his glass. She was going to pour him another dose, but he refused it. "Why don't we finish this bottle some other night?"

"It's okay. I have three more hidden in here."

Was she buying in bulk? "Shepard," he took the bottle and glass from her and put them away, holding her hands in his instead, "I know you're having trouble sleeping again. This mission… when it started, we had no idea it would be like this. But, you don't have to bear the weight all by yourself. You can lean on me. I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you. You don't have to be  _Commander Shepard_  when you're with me."

"You think I've been drinking too much?"

"I think it would be good for you if you considered other ways to relieve stress, too."

She licked her lips, a hint of mischief in her eyes. "Like what?"

They were standing so close to each other, he could feel her biotics coming to life and the warmth that was radiating from her body.

"Hell, Shepard." He rubbed the back of his neck, starting to blush. "You're not making this easy." Right now, he had only one idea for how to relieve stress and it, too, involved breaking a few regs.

"All right," she smiled, "I'll save this bottle for when this mission is over. For us."

"Sounds like a plan."

"It's late. I… I shouldn't keep you. If Cerberus' main base of operations really is on Nepheron, we'll face some heavy resistance. I need my ground team focused and well-rested."

"Yes, ma'am," he said, but neither moved.

Gaze locked on his, she rose on her toes until her mouth was level with his. "Good night, lieutenant," she whispered.

His eyes fell shut as their lips connected, softly and briefly. Too briefly, but anything more than that and he wasn't sure if they would be able to stop themselves from breaking those damned fraternization regs.

"Good night, commander," he replied, reluctantly taking his leave.


	43. Therum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in updating and for the chapter shorter than usual. I've been distracted by the World Cup. But, I think you'll enjoy this chapter, even if it's a short one. Let me know. ;)

March 20th, 2183

Their lead was wrong; Shepard knew it in her gut. It had been too easy to take down the facility on Nepheron. There was no way that was Cerberus' main base of operations. It had all been too similar to what had happened when she had been serving on the New Delhi, chasing Cerberus down under Anderson's command. The base on Nepheron — just like the facility they had destroyed back in '75 — was a decoy, she was sure of it; something to throw them off, make them think Cerberus had been dealt with.

They didn't have any other leads, though, and she had no choice but to drop the matter, at least for now. Major Nascimento had an assignment for Jarell and had requested he return to Earth as soon as possible. And, the Council was on her back, wanting updates on her mission to stop Saren.

So, as the Normandy docked at the Alliance spaceport in Rio to refuel, restock, and drop Jarell off, the commander asked Joker to plot a course to Therum.

"I hope we get to work together again soon, Shepard," Jarell said, duffel bag slung over his shoulder, as he walked to the airlock to disembark. Alenko and the commander were accompanying him.

"I hope so, too. It was nice having you around. I'm going to miss you, Jarell," Shepard replied.

"Gonna miss you, too," he said, pulling her into a hug that lifted her feet off the ground. As he was putting her down, he turned to Kaidan. "Take care of her, man."

"I will. I mean, I'll try. You know how show she is," Kaidan said and Shepard rolled her eyes at the two men.

As Jarell stepped out of the ship, the sentinel and the adept stood at attention and saluted him. "Good luck on your next assignment, lieutenant," Alenko said.

"Good luck on your mission, commander, lieutenant," he replied, returning the gesture.

Shepard let out a heavy sigh as she watched her old friend walking away, and wondered if she would ever have time to enjoy this city again; to go to the beach in Ipanema and lie under the sun, to sleep in her bed in her house at the vila militar…

"You know, we could spend some shore leave here after this tour is over. What do you say?" Kaidan asked her.

It was like he had read her mind and she couldn't help but smile brightly at him. "I'd love to."

* * *

March 23rd, 2183

"Go, go, go!" Shepard yelled at her squadmates as the dig site on Therum started to collapse around them.

The asari doctor was barely standing on her feet, too weak after being trapped in a force field for who knew how long, and Ashley and Tali were having to support her so they could get to the extraction point faster.

Kaidan was ahead of the group, trying to find a way out and guide them through the dust and smoke, while Shepard was in the back, providing them with cover.

"Joker, bring the Normandy as close as possible to the dig site," she ordered on the comm. The heat was reaching unbearable levels. The situation was deteriorating by the second and there was a very real possibility they wouldn't make it out of there before the whole place fell on their heads. They surely wouldn't have enough time to take the ramp down to the ground and put enough distance between them and the collapsing dig site before it all went to hell.

"Open the airlock, Joker, and try to align the ship with the topmost entrance. We'll have to make a jump for it."

"Aye aye, commander."

As they came outside, the Normandy was already there. Tali jumped into the airlock first and, as Kaidan and Ashley pushed the asari up, the quarian reached for her and pulled her up, getting her safely into the ship. Williams was the next one to jump into the airlock.

Shepard was the last one emerge from the dig site. "Go!" she yelled at Kaidan when she saw he hadn't boarded the ship yet, but he hesitated, waiting for her instead of following her order.

The instant she reached him, a huge explosion made the ground crumble underneath their feet, generating a shockwave that caused the Normandy to sway out of their reach. Smoke engulfed them and Shepard felt herself being hurled away and into the airlock.

"No! Kaidan!" Desperately, she scrambled to the edge of the airlock. The energy field of the biotic throw he had used to get her to safety was dissipating and it tore at her heart to think that it could be the last time she would feel his biotics.

She wasn't going to let that happen; she wasn't going to lose him.

Joker was warning her that they had to leave immediately, but she yelled at him to hold their position and released biotic pulls into the smoke and dirt below them, targeting the area where she had last seen the sentinel.

Only seconds went by, but if felt like an eternity until she caught him in her pull and he came flying towards the ship amidst the debris and dust.

"Joker, go! Now!" the commander cried as soon as she had Kaidan safely in the airlock. Unsealing the sentinel's suit, she removed his helmet. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, ma'am. Thank you for getting me out of there."

Shepard shook her head, fuming. How could he do that? Disobey her direct orders and put his life at risk like that? What if she had lost him? What was she going to do then?

Ashley and Tali were looking at her, waiting for orders, so she took a deep, calming breath and turned to the women.

"Tali, pass the coordinates for the Mako over to Joker and see how close he can get the ship to it. Tell Vakarian and Wrex to retrieve it." Shepard didn't want any of her squadmates wandering around alone on that planet. There could still be geth out there. "Williams," she continued, "take the asari to the medbay and keep an eye on her until we can make sure whose side she's on. She's probably starved and dehydrated. Tell Dr. Chakwas to see to it. We'll have a debriefing once she's released from the medbay."

Tali and Ash were barely out of there and Shepard turned back to Kaidan already looking angry again. "And you, lieutenant, I need to see you in my cabin. Now!" Seething, and without waiting for him, she left.

He had to run to catch up with her, and the moment the door to her quarters closed behind them, he opened his mouth, but she didn't let him speak.

"What were you thinking?!" she yelled, tossing her helmet violently on the floor, her chest heaving and her face all flushed and sweaty. "I told you to  _go_. You disobeyed my orders! Deliberately!"

"Your orders were to leave you behind! You think I could do that?" he argued, matching her tone.

Grabbing him by the collar with both hands, she shoved him forcefully against the wall, knocking the breath out of his lungs. She was enraged, and a sliver of fear crossed his features. She was not going to let his defiance slide. This fight was shaping up to be the worst they had ever had.

"You have to! I'm your commanding officer. Orders are orders. They're not up for debate, especially when there are lives on the line!"

"Shepard, I –" he tried to explain himself, but his attempt was cut off by her mouth crashing against his.

Her kiss was loaded with fury and despair, almost suffocating, but he didn't even for a moment consider stopping her. The surge of dark energy in them was uncontrollable, activating their implants and causing a burst of blinding light around them.

When she let him draw breath again, it was just so she could attack his jaw and neck, kissing and biting him. Her hands were already working on the seals and clasps of his armor, deftly freeing him from each of piece of gear. He responded by undressing her just as expertly, until all their gear was on the floor around them.

"Promise me you won't pull another stunt like that again," she said breathlessly as she reached around his back to pull down the zipper on his undersuit.

He stepped out of it, only in his boxers now, and grabbed her shoulders. With a swift movement, he spun them around so she was facing the wall and he was standing behind her.

"Promise me you won't order me to leave you behind again," he replied, unzipping her undersuit and pushing it off of her to leave her only in her underwear.

She tried to turn back to him, but he pinned her against the wall with his body, his chest pressed flush against her back. He pushed her hands together above her head, and held her wrists with one hand while the other snaked underneath her panties.

His grip wasn't tight. She could easily break free if she wanted to, but the fact that she didn't and simply relinquished control to him was incredibly arousing.

"I can't lose you, Lisa," he whispered, making her shiver as he rained kisses on the back of her neck, around her headjack. His ministrations incensed her biotics even more if that was even possible.

"I can't lose you either, Kaidan." She could barely finish that sentence as his fingers began teasing her, making her gasp as he rubbed her clit.

Hopefully, no one could hear them, because the husky groan that escaped his throat when he delved a finger inside her to find her all wet and ready for him, and the needy sound she made as he pressed his erection against her ass would leave no room for doubt about what was happening in the commander's quarters.

"Inside me. Now. Fuck me, Kaidan." This was the most coherent thing she could manage to say at the moment. There was no 'please', but it still sounded like she was begging. She needed relief from the torture that had been these last two months stuck on a ship with him, spending all this time together, but not being allowed to have him the way she wanted.

He released her wrists and she turned around, hurriedly getting rid of her own underwear as he took care of his. The finger that was inside her went straight into his mouth; he wanted a taste of her, and she licked her lips to see how delighted he looked to have it.

Then, his mouth was back on hers and they kissed just as hungrily as before; they hadn't had nearly enough of each other yet. There was too much lost time that they needed to make up for.

He picked her up, his hands on her ass for support, as she curled her legs around his hips and guided him inside her with one hand.

Kaidan fucked her right there, against the wall, even though the bed was just two meters away. The pace was hard and fast, the way she wanted, the way they needed it to be because they both had been waiting for this reunion for far too long. There was too much need, too much frustration and pent-up desire between them for it to be any other way. He just needed to be inside her again and she needed to have him inside her again. For both of them, it was like finding their way back home after being stranded for years.

Their biotics wouldn't settle, and dark energy was burning around them, violently and chaotically like a wild fire. Each thrust of his hips was feeding that fire like tinder.

She had to bite down his shoulder to muffle the wanton moans that were coming out of her mouth as she neared her climax. When it hit, her orgasm was so intense, it turned her into a quivering mess in his arms.

It was hard to resist the way the velvety walls of her sex were squeezing his cock, and he let himself be dragged over the edge with her. Some other day they could take their time. Right now, they needed a release for that maddening unresolved sexual tension that had been hanging between them.

When it was over, all they could do was slump on the floor right where they had been standing. They were breathing heavily, bodies glistening with sweat, but it didn't matter; they weren't ready to part just yet. So, he pulled her to him and she snuggled against his chest.

They would enjoy this moment while it lasted, because they knew it was as rare and fleeting as it could be. Soon, her crew would come knocking; Joker would request her presence on the bridge; the Council would demand an update on their mission; Admiral Hackett would give them a new assignment. But, right now, at this instant, everything was perfect, happy, and peaceful and there was no one else but them in the universe.

"You know," she spoke softly, fingers tracing lazy patterns on his chest, "you never promised not to pull another risky stunt like that again."

"You never promised not to order me to leave you behind again," he replied.

It made him smile to feel her eyelashes lightly brushing his skin as she closed her eyes, and her own smile against his chest. It seemed those promises would remain unmade.

"I love you, Kaidan."

He tightened his arms protectively around her and lowered his head to hers, kissing her hair. "I love you, Lisa."

* * *

March 24th, 2183

The Normandy still hadn't left Therum's orbit. Shepard was hoping to get a clue as to their next destination from the asari they had rescued, but Dr. Chakwas had kept her in the medbay for a whole day and had only released her now.

Immediately, the commander summoned her ground team for a debriefing.

Dr. T'Soni looked overwhelmed by all the news they had for her, from her mother's death to the fate of the Protheans; from the Reapers to the beacon and the Cipher. But, to her credit and Shepard's surprise, she kept it together and even offered to join them on their hunt for Saren.

"There's one more thing," Liara said. "Commander, with your permission, I'd like to try something. I might be able to help you put all the pieces of the puzzle together — the vision from the beacon and the information from the Cipher. My knowledge of the Protheans may clarify the images you saw."

Shepard swallowed hard around the lump that instantly formed in her throat. The asari was suggesting they join minds and she didn't know what to say. They needed to find Saren and figure out what the Conduit was; they needed to make sense of the images the beacon had burned in her brain, but having her mind invaded yet again… Shepard wasn't sure how much more of that she could handle before losing her head.

Risking sounding like a spoiled brat, she protested, "Nobody's messing with my head anymore, doctor. I'm sick of dealing with these visions." Maybe they could find another way to resolve this.

"I understand your reluctance, commander. But, the visions are already there. I only want to help you make sense of them. It may be the only way to stop Saren," Liara said.

Everyone was looking at Shepard, waiting for her answer. The asari was right about this; they all knew it and Shepard knew it, too. Refusing to do it now it was only postponing the inevitable.

"Looks like I don't have a choice," she muttered, and approached Liara, so they could get it over with.

Kaidan saw the flicker of fear and doubt in her eyes, her nervousness in the unusual tremble of her fingers, and he wished she hadn't saved him from the beacon back on Eden Prime. It was hard watching her have her mind invaded like that. She always looked fragile while it was happening, and she was always angry and miserable once it was over.

"Goddess! All this pain… and grief. The images were rather vivid. I never imagined this experience would be so intense." Liara put her hands on her head, sounding worried and exhausted.

"Yeah, horrible fate the Protheans had," Shepard said. At least this time no new images and outside memories had been burned into her brain and she hadn't passed out.

"No, not the…" the asari started and Kaidan figured she had seen more than just the images from the Prothean beacon in Shepard's head. "I mean... that, too. Everything."

The way the commander's eyes widened at that, how she paled and the look on her face turned haunted… it was just further proof that Liara had dug deep and found more than just the visions from the beacon.

"Commander, maybe we should talk in private," T'Soni suggested.

Shepard nodded in agreement and dismissed the rest of the crew.

* * *

"The beacon on Eden Prime must have been badly damaged. Large parts of the vision are missing. The data transferred into your mind is incomplete," Liara said once she and Shepard were alone in the lab at the back of the medbay. "Even with the Cipher."

"Was this for nothing?"

"Not at all, commander. We just need to find the missing portion of the data and I'm confident I can put all the pieces together."

"This still doesn't get me a destination."

"You're right. It doesn't. I'm sorry, commander."

"It's okay. I should go. The Council probably wants to speak with me."

She was already at the door when Liara called out, stopping her.

"Commander, wait. I saw… I didn't mean to intrude, but I don't have much experience joining minds, and…"

"Just say it, Liara," she huffed, some irritation showing in her tone. She knew where this was going.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know what you'd been through. Losing your home and your family like that… there was so much violence, so much trauma."

"It happened a long time ago. I wish you hadn't seen it. It's not something I want to discuss."

"It's still in the forefront of your mind, commander," Liara said, her voice soft and polite. Her eyes were staring deep into Shepard's, watching her intently as if trying to read her and understand her.

The adept tried to school her features the best she could, not wanting to give anything else away to this asari. "Joker, head to the Citadel, so we can drop off Dr. T'Soni," she said on the comm.

"Aye aye, ma'am," the helmsman replied.

Liara frowned, finding Shepard's reaction completely unexpected. "Commander, please, I want to help."

"You look more like you want to study me," the marine retorted.

"No, I… I never meant to offend you. I just… I am used to dealing with computers and data disks. I'm not very good with people. Please, forgive me."

"You're still getting off my ship at the Citadel," Shepard warned her, walking out of the lab.

Doctor Chakwas didn't let the commander go too far, though, catching up with her by the medi-gel dispenser. "Maybe you're being too hard on our new guest, commander," the older woman said. "I had a lot of time to talk to her while she was recovering here in the medbay and I believe she can help. I've never seen someone with so much knowledge on the Prothean race."

"She joined minds with me, doctor, and saw things she wasn't supposed to. I couldn't stop her. I was… helpless." Shepard shuddered at that last word. Being helpless was the worst feeling in the world. It was how she had felt during the attack on Mindoir; it was how she still felt every night she had nightmares about the colony. She had joined the Alliance and learned how to use her biotics so she would never feel that way again. And, for a time, it had worked. But then, she had been given this mission, with all its Prothean garbage and fucking asari invading her mind. Not to mention the whole mess with Talitha at the Citadel. Now, it felt like she was back where she had started — feeling helpless, vulnerable, and having fucking nightmares every other night.

"Commander, I would still like you to reconsider," Chakwas insisted.

"Noted," she replied dryly, taking her leave from the medbay.


	44. Heat Hazard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We don't know exactly how the Mako works or how it is inside, but it's an important part of this chapter, so I made up a bunch of stuff about it to fill in the blanks. I hope it makes sense and, if it doesn't… please, bear with me, because there's only so much time in my life that I can dedicate to theorizing about non-existent military tanks from the future.

March 26th, 2183

"What are we doing here, Shepard?" Kaidan asked as soon as the Mako was deployed on Xawin. There were several odd things about this mission. For starters, there had been no briefing before they had gone planetside. Also, instead of her usual four-people team, Shepard had brought only the lieutenant with her. Lastly, they had been en route to the Citadel when she had made this sudden change of course to the Horse Head Nebula.

"A man named Garoth asked for my help finding his brother. Evidence shows he might be on this planet."

Kaidan looked at her, eyebrows furrowed. "You're willingly running an errand and it's not even for the brass?" Something was not right, he was sure of it. "What's the  _real_  reason why we're here, Shepard?"

After some hesitation, she gave in with a heavy sigh. "I needed some time to… sort things out and I thought my head would be clearer if I went away from the ship for a while. And, while I'm at it, I might as well help someone who needs me."

"Does this have anything to do with Dr. T'Soni?"

"Fuck. Is it too obvious?" The commander grimaced and shook her head as if disappointed with herself for letting her feelings show like that.

"Shepard, you don't have to hide these things from me. You know that."

"I do. That's why you're the only one here. I wanted to talk to  _you_  about what I should do about her. And, I'd rather the others didn't know how I feel and that I'm... having doubts."

He didn't say anything, but that ship had probably sailed already. "We could've talked in your quarters," he said instead.

"Yeah... That's another thing we need to talk about," she replied, and he looked away, certain that this wouldn't be good news for them. She was going to say that what had happened between them after Therum couldn't happen again, wasn't she?

"First, about the asari... I want her off my ship, but I have to admit she might be useful."

Kaidan had actually given this matter a lot of thought in the last two days. This mission was too hard on Shepard as it was. In principle, having an asari on board could make things even worse for her; it was undeniable, however, that Liara could be the difference between winning or losing this race against Saren for the Conduit. If anyone could help Shepard understand the information burned into her brain by the beacon, it was Liara; with her ability to join minds and her knowledge of the Prothean race.

It was tough to figure out what to say when the interests at play were so conflicting. What was best for their mission was not what was best for Shepard. He wanted her to be fine but, at the same time, their mission was too important and they needed to succeed.

"She wants to stay and I believe her when she says she wants to help," he finally said.

"You talked to her?"

"Yes. She... she knows about us, Shepard."

"Dammit. That's one more reason why she can't stay on my ship."

"She's not going to tell anyone. She only mentioned it because she's worried about you, worried about what she saw when you joined minds. I think that, maybe, if you'd give her a chance, she could help you with more than just the Prothean beacon."

"Are you suggesting I make friends with this asari?"

"She already knows about Mindoir, Elysium, us... She saw everything."

"Fuck."

"Perhaps keep her around for a few more days, start calling her by her name, and things might work out." He truly believed in what he was saying and, even though he was putting the mission first, he hoped that was what would be best for Shepard, too, in the long run.

"Yeah. Fine. I guess I can do that," she conceded.

Before they could get to the second subject Shepard had wanted to discuss with Kaidan, the radar on the Mako picked up a strange occurrence — a life form that simply vanished after a few seconds.

They had no idea where Garoth's brother was, so it was best to check everything, including whatever life form that was and where it had gone to.

Shepard drove the tank towards the coordinates where the mysterious creature had last been registered when it suddenly appeared again, right behind them, according to the radar.

The commander turned the vehicle around, already knowing what she would find. "Kaidan, man the cannon! Now!"

"What the hell?" He had never seen such a massive creature before. "Is that a –"

"Thresher maw!"

The lieutenant was doing the best he could, but there were more misses than hits when Shepard was piloting the Mako like a mad woman as she tried to dodge the thresher attacks. There was no avoiding it, though, when it went underground and then came out again right in front of them.

The creature hit the Mako's hood with spit and its tongue — or whatever that thing on its face was — compromising the vehicle's weapons and causing the electronic systems to go haywire.

"Cannon offline," Kaidan yelled.

The monster attacked the tank again; there was nothing but blinking warning lights on the panel.

"We have to go outside, take it down on foot," Shepard yelled back, already sealing her helmet and unbuckling the safety harness.

"Cold hazard on the surface is one level higher than the environmental control and life support systems in our suits can compensate for," Kaidan informed her, but he did not hesitate to follow her outside.

"How long do we have until we freeze to death?"

"About twenty minutes, but we should start feeling the effects of hypothermia before that."

"All right. Barriers up. Let's split up and try to keep a safe distance from the thresher. While it's distracted by one of us, the other can cause some damage."

Kaidan nodded, acknowledging her orders, and they started to run in opposite directions.

Their tactics were working, and the next time the thresher went underground, it was visibly hurt and bleeding. But, it wasn't dead yet, and the marines apprehensively waited for it to come out again.

Shepard suddenly lost her balance, falling to the ground, and Kaidan knew that could only mean the monster was moving underneath her. In horror, he watched as she scrambled to her feet, but failed to run away fast enough to get herself out of its way. The thresher surfaced again, dislodging huge amounts of snow, rocks, and dirt, and the lieutenant lost sight of his commander.

Harnessing every bit of dark energy in him, Kaidan attacked the creature with the most powerful biotic throw he could muster, hoping he could get that thing away from Shepard. The attack was so taxing and depleting, Kaidan felt light-headed and fell to his knees. But, he still saw the thresher maw being ripped from the ground, squirming as it was hurled meters ahead, enveloped in dark energy.

His relief at seeing Shepard rising from the snow, apparently unharmed, only lasted for a second, though. He was too weak and too far away from her to be able to do anything but, again, watch in shock as she sprinted towards the definitely-not-dead-yet thresher maw.

He couldn't even yell her name properly with the blood that was running down from his nose and into his mouth and that he couldn't wipe away, because of his helmet. Dragging himself to his feet, he moved as fast as he could towards her but, in his poor state, his fastest was still frustratingly slow.

When he finally saw her clearly again, he couldn't believe his eyes. She was on top of the convulsing monster's head, her combat knife sunk to the hilt into its eye, cutting it open until she could push a few grenades inside. She then jumped off of it and rolled away as the grenades exploded, killing it at last.

The relief Kaidan felt this time was overwhelming. Coupled with the cold that his suit couldn't keep outside anymore, and the exhaustion from depleting his biotics, his legs just gave up. His vision went black next and he lost consciousness.

* * *

He would have been confused at waking up in this dark, small, unfamiliar place if it hadn't been for those bright brown eyes staring straight into his that he immediately recognized.

"Shepard… are we in the Mako?"

"Yes. How are you feeling?" she asked, already passing him a protein bar and an energy drink.

"How long was I out?"

"Just for a few minutes."

Kaidan remembered his bleeding nose but, when he touched it, he realized she had cleaned his face already. She had also removed his helmet and his gloves.

"You were amazing out there," she said with a proud smile that he reciprocated.

"You, too. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

He was eating his snack and having his drink when he suddenly stopped to give her an inquisitive look. "You said I was out only for a few minutes. How did you get me here so fast?"

As a response, she quickly created a biotic field around her hand and then extinguished it.

"Yeah. Of course," he said, shaking his head at himself. He should've figured it out. "Is the Normandy coming for us?"

"Nope. Comms are not working. I was hoping you'd be able to do something about that."

"Hm. I'll have to run a full set of diagnostics," he said, bringing up his tool.

She put a hand over his and gently pushed his arm down. "Finish your food first."

He agreed with a nod and did as he was told. A few minutes later, he was done, and started scanning the Mako from inside. "Apparently, the first attacks that hit us caused a hull breach and compromised our power cells, which led the Mako's VI to trigger the emergency setting. Which, in turn, diverted all the remaining power to life support and climate control as a way of ensuring our survival in this hostile atmosphere and generating enough heat to compensate for the cold hazard. All other non-essential systems were shut down to preserve energy. Our main problem is that the subsequent attacks damaged our computers and the VI went offline."

"So, what do we do now?"

"If we repair the hull breach and fix the fried circuits to make the computers work again, even if we don't bring the VI back online, I can override the emergency setting and restore functionality to the other systems, so we can get out of here."

"You said our power cells were compromised. How long do we have?"

"Only the two of us in the emergency setting: forty-eight hours. But, once I restore the other systems, twelve hours approximately."

"All right. How are you feeling?"

"Better." Although, his head was already starting to hurt. He could only hope that the annoying pain wouldn't develop into a full-blown migraine.

"Then let's get to work."

* * *

Shepard had used omni-gel to patch the hull. However, they hadn't managed to bring the vehicle's other systems back online yet, and the climate control was still working on the same setting as before, when it had been trying to compensate for the cold that had been coming in through the breach.

But now, with the breach sealed, there was no cold coming in or heat going out, and it was getting insanely hot inside the Mako. What a ludicrous problem for someone to have on a frozen planet.

It didn't help that Kaidan had taken off his armor and had lowered his undersuit to his hips. He had pushed the front seats as far back as possible and, now, he was lying on the floor, holding a flashlight between his teeth as he fussed with the circuit boards that could be reached from underneath the panel. His bare chest, defined abs, and that patch of dark hair going straight into his boxers were making Shepard sweat even more. If only she could rip off that undersuit the rest of the way...

It was probably for the best that he was so focused on what he was doing, or he would've caught her staring.

"I can practically feel your eyes on me, commander," he teased her, pointing the flashlight at her and making her blush.

"Dammit. I'm going to sit in the back."

"Hey, I don't mind," he said with a charming smile that made her want to crash her lips against his. How could he be so damn sexy without even trying?

"Yeah, but it's hot as hell in here and I need to get out of this suit," she said, already unlatching the seals on her collar.

"And, you don't want to do it in front of me?" The way he was looking at her, making an adorably sad face, it was killing her.

"Kaidan..." She broke eye contact, otherwise she didn't think she could do this. "What happened after Therum, between us... it can't happen again."

"Shepard, we –"

"We can't break regs like that, without even giving it a second thought. People on the ship already suspect about us. Fuck. The asari knows for sure. There's too much at stake. We can't keep taking chances like this."

"Understood, commander." He changed so quickly from flirty to removed and professional; it made her wince.

She knew she had just hurt him again, but it had to be done. She was his CO; it was her responsibility to make the right decision for the both of them.

* * *

An hour later, Kaidan was still working on the circuit boards without much success. The heat had driven them to strip to their underwear, but Shepard didn't want to risk falling into temptation, so she had stayed in the back, sulking. They hadn't exchanged a word since she had said they couldn't be together again on the Normandy.

When she heard a muffled grunt coming from him, she started to suspect there might be other reasons behind his complete silence for the past hour.

"Kaidan, are you okay?"

It took him a few moments to answer and, when he did, he sounded strained. "Yeah. It's just a headache."

"Why don't you take a break? We have time. Come on." She slipped back into one of the front seats and offered her hand to help him up.

He did not argue, taking her hand and settling in the other seat.

"It's not just a headache, is it?"

"No."

He hadn't let go of her hand and she laced her fingers in his. Her thumb was slowly moving up and down his, a small gesture, but one that she hoped would be at least a little bit soothing without disturbing him or causing him any more discomfort. It seemed he appreciated it, because his eyes fell shut and he gave her hand a light squeeze.

"Your medication…?" she asked quietly.

"On the ship."

_Fuck_. She reached for the medkit they always carried inside the Mako for emergencies and started going through the items in there. "Medigel?"

"Doesn't work for this."

"Painkillers?"

"Injectable?"

"Yes." At least it would act fast and give him some relief. "We have either codeine or morphine-based."

"One shot of the codeine-based should do."

She hoped it would.

* * *

Kaidan woke up to find Shepard lying on the floor, in the same spot where he had been earlier, working on the same circuits. "Hey. How long was I out?" he asked her.

"Hey." She cocked her head to look at him from behind the opened panel, smiling. "About two and a half hours. How are you feeling?"

"Better. Any luck there?"

"Sort of. The connection from the auxiliary systems to the mainframe seems to have been severed somehow. And, I don't know how to repair it. I think the attack might have caused a series of short-circuits."

"Let me take a look." He was going to crawl underneath the panel with her, but she stopped him with her foot on his chest.

Her bare foot with bright red toenails on his bare chest. He sucked in a deep breath, swallowing his desire to run a hand down her leg, and looked away, pretending he hadn't noticed how her legs had spread for her foot to reach his chest. If only looking away would make him forget she was only in her underwear — a black sports bra and panties, matching in color, but made from different fabrics: supportive lycra for the bra, comfortable cotton for the panties.

No. He shook his head, trying to redirect his focus to anything other than the fact that he and Shepard were stuck alone in the Mako in their underwear, and that it was damn hot in there.  _What happened after Therum, between us... it can't happen again_ , he remembered her saying.

"You need to eat." She pointed to the compartment where they kept MREs stored for long missions on the Mako and slid her foot back down.

It was like he couldn't have moved even if he had wanted to while she had been touching him. And, now that he was 'free', it felt like something was missing. Even his head started hurting again. It had probably never stopped; she had just distracted him from the pain for a few moments. The worst of the migraine had passed, but there was always this mild, but still very annoying, headache that would linger for a while afterwards.

He nodded, reaching over to open the compartment. "What about you?"

"Already ate," she answered, her attention back to the circuit boards.

"You..." he rubbed the back of his neck, over his headjack, "... you removed my amp?"

"I thought it would help with the migraine."

"It does. Thanks." He had been in so much pain earlier, he hadn't even been able to think straight. If he had, he would have taken the amp out himself. Not that he didn't trust her to do it. Actually, she was the one person he didn't mind touching his headjack or handling his amp.

"It's safely stored inside the medkit. You don't have to worry."

He smiled at her. "I'm not worried."

"Savant IX…" she said, "no wonder you're throwing thresher maws around."

"It was a gift from Pa when I got assigned to the Normandy. What about yours?"

"Prodigy VII."

"Asari?" He frowned as if it was a big shocker that she would use an asari amp.

That made her feel weird, embarrassed even. Had she been coming across as prejudiced against asari? Was she? "I've been using only Armali Council amps ever since a… friend gave me a Prowess IV six years ago," she remembered to answer.

"A friend, huh?"

If Kaidan was acting a bit jealous, she didn't even register it. In her mind, she was going over her interactions with Liara and the other asari she had met lately, and realizing she hadn't been exactly fair and tolerant with their species. She had let her bad experience with Sha'ira set the tone for all the other interactions she had had with every asari since then. Maybe, she should try paying more attention to that from now on. Liara was still on board; she could make this right.

"Commander Caetano Correa. He died on Akuze," she replied.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Finish your juice and come help me out here."

* * *

Lisa knew she was venturing into dangerous territory when she scooted over and made room for Kaidan to lie by her side on the floor so they could try to bring the Mako's computers back online. It wasn't exactly spacious down there, and their sweat-slicked bodies ended up stretched alongside each other.

His biotics were buzzing low and frustratingly under control and she was trying to resist the urge to tease him into flaring.

But, despite their closeness, he seemed completely absorbed by the task at hand, while she was having a hard time focusing.

"Shepard?"

"What?"

"I asked you to hold this." He gave her the flashlight.

If there was something that could take her mind off of anything else, it was an unclothed Kaidan within her reach. "Sorry. I wasn't listening, I..."

"You were staring."

"Dammit," she muttered, thankful he was looking at the circuit boards and not at her because she was blushing at being caught again.

But, what if Jarell had been right? What if waiting for this tour to end was pointless, just a waste of time? She and Kaidan loved each other; they weren't just fooling around. And, they could've died on Therum. Hell, they could've died today. Their mission was too risky. Why deny themselves this now when life might not give them another chance later? Not to mention that, if they succeeded, the odds were that they would continue to serve together. This was a great team Anderson had assembled, and he wouldn't want to break them apart after just one tour. Nor would she.

"You know what? Those fraternization regs… they're bullshit," she said.

Kaidan stopped what he was doing, but did not look at her. "Shepard..." He seemed uncertain and sucked in a deep breath. "You need to make up your mind."

"I did."

Now, he met her eyes and she dropped the flashlight, turning on her side so they were face to face. "And?" he asked, one brow raised.

Her answer was to draw him into a kiss that he immediately responded to by putting a hand on the back of her head and pulling her tighter against him. Things quickly got heated and they had to separate, because they both hit their heads on the panel above them.

That didn't stop them, though. They laughed it off and moved from the floor to one of the front seats. Kaidan sat down first and Shepard settled in his lap, straddling him. Her lips met his again and eager hands started roaming, trying to grasp and grope and fondle, but slipping against sweaty skin.

"I never thought you'd be this willing to break regs, lieutenant," she teased him as they pulled away so he could take off her bra.

One day, they would do this without being in a hurry and desperate as if they were about to draw their last breath. That day was not today, though.

"It's hard to care about fraternization regs when everything is so uncertain," he said, his hands on her ass, pulling her even closer. "That seems so petty when, every day, we put our lives on the line for this mission."

It was good to know he agreed with her on this.

He trailed a path down her neck and collarbone; his lips, tongue, teeth, licking, nipping, tasting the salty skin, until he reached her breasts. His mouth closed around a nipple and he sucked it while rolling the other between his fingers.

"When I think about losing you... I can't stand it," he said, his voice coming out a little rough before he switched breasts. His hand was cupping the first one now, kneading it, and making her moan and grind against him as he suckled on the other nipple.

"You're not losing me," she reassured him.

"Promise me?"

Her answer was to crash her mouth against his again.

Lowering a hand between them, she freed his erection and began stroking him with a firm grasp. His breath got caught in his throat and he pushed her panties aside, wanting, needing to be inside her.

She raised her hips then slowly lowered herself onto him, her hand still on his cock, guiding him in.

Her biotics were burning stronger than his, taking him by storm and making him hyper aware of every spot where their bodies were in contact.

Sweat was dripping down her body as she rode him, her pace hard and punishing the way she liked it. He was trying to keep up with her to the best of his ability, considering how his sweat-slicked body was sticking to the seat and his hands and arms were slipping and sliding against her wet skin.

Pressure was building up fast and he knew she was close, too, when he felt her quivering and tightening around him. With a sharp thrust of his hips, he sunk even deeper into her, pushing her over the edge. She came crying out his name in between moans, her short nails digging into his shoulders.

With both hands he grabbed her ass again, holding her to him, keeping her in place as his own climax hit and he emptied himself inside her.

They stayed connected for a while longer in a sticky wet hot mess. She was slumped on top of him, both panting and sucking in ragged breaths, taking a moment for their racing hearts to calm down.

"You know... we missed the last scheduled contact with the Normandy. They must be looking for us already," she said, rolling off of him and putting her panties back in place.

"You might want to get dressed, then. Or, maybe tell them not to come just yet."

"Tell them?"

"Yeah. The Mako is fixed. I mean, what could be fixed without any spare parts…" He quickly fussed with something underneath the panel and they heard the electronic hiss of the vehicle's systems coming back online. "We could still finish the mission. The remaining power cells should last for ten more hours."

"Functionality restored to 78%," Shepard read on the monitor. "Nice. When were you going to tell me you were done with the repairs?"

"We still had some things to settle," he said, his charming half-smile looking a little bit smug now. "Why didn't you deploy a distress beacon and get the Normandy here hours ago?"

"We still had some things to settle," she replied with a smirk.

* * *

March 27th, 2183

Before they could hit the relay out of the Horse Head Nebula, Wrex came over to tell the commander that, with Tali's help, he had tracked down a turian mercenary who had something that belonged to him and that he wanted back. It seemed her crew had been busy while she had been on Xawin with Kaidan.

"Just drop me off on Tuntau," the krogan said. "I'll get my family's armor and find a way out of there."

"Drop you off?" Wrex had proven himself to be a valuable member of her team. Shepard wasn't letting him go so easily. "How about I help you find it?"

"Haha! I should've known you wouldn't run away from a good fight, Shepard."

"Yeah. I'll tell Joker to plot a course to… Is that in the Hydra System?"

"Phoenix."

She nodded and went over to the intercom to inform her helmsman and the crew of their new destination. "Done."

"Bring the asari with us on the ground team. Her biotics might come in handy."

"Hey, I'm a biotic, too," Shepard protested playfully. "And so are you. How many biotics do you even need, Wrex?"

"She's better than you," he replied bluntly.

"Ouch! How can you even know that?"

"We were practicing here while you were mating groundside and she kicked my ass."

Shepard looked at him, eyes wide and mouth falling open in shock. "W-What was that again? I wasn't  _mating_. We were on a mission."

"Don't play coy, Shepard. I can still smell it on you and Alenko," he said, looking infuriatingly amused.

It seemed there was no fooling this krogan. "You can't tell anyone about this, Wrex," she told him, her tone serious enough for him to know she meant business, even though she was blushing to the tips of her ears.

"You think the others can't smell it?"

"God, I hope not." The marine was mortified; she just wanted this conversation to end. Thankfully, they were in her quarters and there was no one around to hear them.

"And, Shepard," he lowered his head so they were face to face, getting a bit too close for comfort, "next time you go hunt a thresher maw, you take me with you."

"Let me guess: you could smell it, too?"

"It's all over the Mako. You and your mate still smell stronger though." With that, Wrex left, laughing out loud, while the commander hung her head in utter embarrassment.

The Normandy was supposed to be back en route to the Citadel where Liara would be dropped off, but since Shepard had told Kaidan she would give the doctor a chance, going to Tuntau first and testing her in the field seemed like a good idea. If the asari was as good as Wrex was saying she was, that was one more reason for Shepard to keep her around. Plus, this detour would give the two women more opportunities to talk. It was a chance for Shepard, too, to give Liara a fair shot, and to prove to herself that she was worthy of the loyalty and trust that her alien squadmates had placed in her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to my dear friend Sharilin. She made some awesome renders of Lisa Mae Shepard (just look for Lisa Mae Shepard or Sharilin on DeviantArt and you should find them) and, in return, I promised her to write a scene she would like to see happen in this fic. What she asked for was some shenko action aboard the Mako. I hope I delivered... ;)


	45. Bring Down the Sky

"I've noticed we're not headed to the Citadel anymore, commander. Have you reconsidered? Are you going to let me stay?" Liara asked as soon as Shepard entered the lab at the back of the medbay, where the asari had been spending most of her time.

"I've decided to…" The commander trailed off, frowning as she came closer to Liara. "What's that on your face?"

"W-What?" The asari looked surprised for a moment, until she figured out what Shepard was talking about. "Oh, these?" Self-consciously, she touched the 'eyebrows' she had drawn on her face.

Her skin was turning a darker shade of blue and Shepard felt bad for her. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you."

"It's okay, commander. I know you don't like my species. I was trying to make myself less… alien for you." Her voice was so soft and her manner so gentle, Shepard was feeling like an uncivilized vorcha in comparison.

"I haven't been fair to you, Liara. I had one bad experience with your kind and I let it cloud my judgment and get the better of me. But, I know you mean well and that you want to help."

"I would never join minds with you without your consent, commander."

"You know about the…?" Shepard shook her head and blew out a huff. "Of course you do. It seems I have no secrets from you," she said, and looked away in a vain attempt to disguise how upsetting it was for her that this asari she had met just a few days ago already knew everything there was to know about her.

"Would it help if I told you some things about me?"

"Look, Liara… you don't have to. Really."

"But, I want to, commander. Please, let me."

Shepard wasn't sure if this would be of any help, but it wouldn't hurt trying. She nodded in agreement and, for the next hour, she sat there and listened to Liara talk about her mother, the place where she grew up, her career choice, and the asari people in general.

The way T'Soni spoke was very enticing. Her voice was so even and her tone was so calm and controlled; it was almost hypnotic.

"I have to confess I did not know much about your species when we first met, commander. I found it hard to take humanity seriously. Your kind just seemed so rushed and high strung. But, looking into your mind gave me a greater understanding of your species. And, of you. I can see why the Council chose you as the first human Spectre. What you did during the Blitz was a remarkable display of courage and heroism. You really are the best humanity has to offer."

Shepard shifted in her seat, suddenly feeling uneasy. Getting that kind of praise always made her uncomfortable.

"Did I say something wrong, commander?" Liara asked, a concerned look on her face.

"No. Do you mind if we change subject?"

"Of course not, commander."

"You can call me… Shepard." It wasn't the most friendly and personal option, but it was what everyone else called her.

There were a few people who knew Jane wasn't her real name but, except for Kaidan, nobody knew it was actually Lisa Mae. She wondered if Liara had learned that little detail about her, too, when they had joined minds.

"All right. What do you want to talk about,  _Shepard_?" Liara asked with a small smile.

"Do you have any combat experience?"

"There were times when I ran afoul of indigenous lifeforms, or stumbled upon small bands of mercenaries or privateers, and I always could handle myself. I mean, until the geth followed me to Artemis Tau…"

"Well, they didn't get you, so I'd say you didn't do so bad there either."

"Thank you, Shepard. But, if you hadn't shown up –"

"Look, Liara," Shepard interrupted before the asari could start with the praise again, "I only asked because Wrex thinks you might be useful when we hit the ground on Tuntau. There's a merc there who stole something from him and we're going to get it back."

The doctor looked surprised. "Oh, you want me in your shore party?"

"If you think you can handle it… yes."

"I can. You can count on me, Shepard."

"Great. Talk to Chief Williams. She'll hook you up with the weapon of your choice and find you some spare armor that fits."

"Does this mean you're letting me stay?"

"Yes. And, if things work out during the mission, we'll get you your own gear."

"Thank you, Shepard. You won't regret this."

"Wrex and Tali will be in the shore party, too. The four of us will meet on the Hangar Deck for a drill later, so we can see how we can integrate your skills to our combat dynamics. I'll also teach you all the signs and commands I use during ground assignments."

"I'm looking forward to it."

Shepard was about to leave when she thought of one last thing — Liara had come on board with nothing but the clothes she had been wearing. "Do you need clothes? Any personal items?"

"Doctor Chakwas arranged for a few things for me."

"I see. But, you must have a home somewhere, right? Give the coordinates to Joker and we'll stop by when we have the chance so you can get anything you might need."

"That would be nice, commander. Thank you."

* * *

April 5th, 2183

Liara could more than handle herself in combat. After facing mercs on Tuntau and retrieving Wrex's family armor, the commander had brought the asari to Metgos, where they had been ambushed by geth when answering to a distress call. Organics or synthetics, it hadn't mattered. Liara had brought them all down with her powerful warps and well-placed singularities.

Shepard had definitely warmed up to the asari, because this mission on Asteroid X57 was their third one in a row with Liara in the shore party.

It was also their most stressful mission to date. It had all started to spiral out of control when they had entered the first torch facility and Shepard had realized it was batarians they were up against. She didn't even give her team any orders; just rushed ahead of them to engage the enemies. Kaidan, Liara, and Tali ran after her but, if it hadn't been for her biotics burning so brightly around her, they would've lost her in that mess of singularities and floating crates and bodies she had already created inside the facility.

The batarians were disorganized. It didn't look like they had been expecting any opposition, and they were quickly neutralized by Shepard and her team. When Tali disabled the first torch, the woman that had been helping them over the radio contacted them again.

"Who are you? What's going on?" Shepard asked the woman.

"My name is Kate Bowman. I'm an engineer. I was part of the team assigned to bring this asteroid to Terra Nova. We were attacked yesterday by batarian extremists. I've been hiding since they arrived. I think they know the torch went out."

"It seems we might have lost the element of surprise. Expect heavier resistance in the next facilities," Shepard warned her squadmates before talking to Bowman again. "What do they want?"

"I don't know. But, if this asteroid isn't slowed, millions of people on Terra Nova are going to die," the engineer replied.

Shepard inhaled a sharp breath, fists clenched at her sides. Kaidan noticed her distress and approached her quietly, putting a hand on her shoulder. After her first tour in Egypt, she had served on Terra Nova for a year. But, even if she hadn't, a human colony under attack never failed to set her off. The fact that batarians were behind this only made things worse.

"We won't let that happen," he said, hoping to reassure her.

"If I find out anything…" Kate stopped talking mid-sentence. There was a metallic noise on her end she gasped. "Oh! I've got to go! Good luck."

"Dammit! Fucking batarians!" Shepard shrugged Kaidan off and slammed her fist on the console in front of her. "She's in danger. Something happened there. Let's go."

As they followed the commander out of the facility, Kaidan exchanged a look with Liara. The asari would know how sensitive this mission was for Shepard and, silently, they agreed to keep an eye on her.

At the exit, they met Simon Atwell — the chief engineer on the asteroid — who told them everything he knew about the batarians extremists and what would happen to the planet if the enemies had their way.

"There are four million people down there. We don't have enough ships or enough time to get them off-world. If this asteroid is not stopped, Terra Nova will die. Not just the colony; the planet. There'll be a climate shift. Mass extinctions. The ecosystem won't recover for thousands of years. Millions, maybe."

"Typical batarian move," Shepard scoffed. "The batarians burned my home to the ground thirteen years ago. And, they tried to do the same on Elysium. They don't change."

Kaidan considered interfering and telling her the batarians weren't all the same, but he recognized this wasn't the best time for them to have this conversation. It would only make things worse if she got angry at him and sent him back to the ship. Right now, he didn't exactly trust her judgment. He needed to see this mission through with her. It was his best shot at trying to keep her from doing anything she might regret later.

"I've heard all the stories," Atwell said. "Slave rings ranching people like animals. Pirate bands razing colonies to the ground. But, this is… The Citadel Conventions forbid asteroid drops. I never thought the batarians would go this far."

"The Conventions only apply to Council-aligned races. The batarian government is a rogue state," Shepard replied.

"The batarians aren't stupid. If they make a policy of this, the Council will declare war on them. My opinion: these guys aren't backed by their government. They've got to be working on their own. They're ruthless. I saw them smash the faceplates of guys working in a vacuum. And those varren… I don't think they always wait for a corpse before feeding."

"I'll kill every single one of them." Shepard spoke with such conviction, it made Liara shiver and Tali shift uncomfortably on her feet.

Kaidan had no doubt that the commander would go to any lengths to make good on that promise and that worried him.

* * *

"We can do this the hard way or we can end this peacefully," the batarian named Garn said. According to Atwell, the leader of the extremists was Balak, but this Garn seemed to be part of the chain of command, too. There were a quite a few men standing by him, waiting for his orders.

"I've got nothing to say to a batarian terrorist," Shepard replied, and Kaidan could feel dark energy rippling through her body in preparation for her next biotic attack.

"Look, I was just doing my job here. Hijacking this rock wasn't my idea. I signed on to make a little profit. A quick slave grab. Nothing more," Garn replied.

It was the wrong thing to say to the sole survivor of Mindoir. She just raised her pistol and shot the man several times in the face. His companions immediately turned hostile, and Kaidan, Liara, and Tali engaged them.

"Shepard!" Tali yelled, sounding so alarmed, Kaidan knew there was something wrong.

That was when he saw the commander was standing in the middle of the crossfire, Garn's corpse at her feet. She was looking down at him, shooting him repeatedly, without even sparing a glance at what was going on around her.

She hadn't pulled up a barrier and her shields had just gone down, which was probably what had prompted Tali to scream her name like that.

Liara reacted faster than Kaidan, using her biotics to pull Shepard out of the line of fire and dropping her behind cover. The sentinel moved hurriedly to hide behind the same crate as the adept.

"What the hell, Shepard?" Kaidan snapped. He was so mad at her, he couldn't help himself. How could she act so recklessly and take such an unnecessary risk?

"A 'quick slave grab'? He had to be put down."

"That's not what I meant. You need to get it together."

She gave him an indignant look, as if he had no reason to be saying that, and took a peek over the crate, getting ready to move out again. He grabbed her arm with bruising force, stopping her and causing her to glare at him.

"Pull up your barrier, Shepard. I'm not losing you to them." His tone was dead serious. Even though he was the lieutenant and she was the commander, he meant that as an order and not a request.

She yanked her arm out of his grasp, still glaring at him, but pulled up her barrier as she sprang out of cover to return fire. Kaidan was fine with being on the receiving end of her anger. She could scowl at him all she wanted. As long as she was alive; that was all he cared about right now.

* * *

After hours on that rock, finding the dead bodies of the scientists that had been working there, fighting varren and batarians, racing against time to prevent the collision with Terra Nova, Shepard finally found the man behind it all. And, she was determined to kill the fucker, even if it was the last thing she did.

"You don't get to leave, Balak. Not after what happened here."

"This is nothing. You humans are far worse than batarians. We were forced into exile. Forced to survive on what we could scrounge up. It's been like that for decades."

"Don't make it sound like you're the innocent party here. That was your own damn fault. The batarians brought it on themselves."

"Really? You invaded our space. Took our resources. And, when we asked the Council for aid, they rushed us off. We were left to defend ourselves. It was you! You and your kind are the only reason we're in this position."

"What's your point? How does killing innocent people make up for that?"

"I could ask you the same thing. How many innocent batarians did the Alliance kill on Torfan?"

"Torfan was retaliation for Elysium. You pushed us; we pushed back."

"We had no other options. Sometimes you need to attract someone's attention before they'll listen. That was why we attacked Elysium. You forced our hand!"

As if she weren't too pissed off at this batarian asshole already, he had to make this personal.

"What about Mindoir?" she vociferated, and she knew she was on the verge of losing it again. Her blood was pumping loudly in her ears, her implants were buzzing. Out of the corner of her eyes she noticed how Kaidan and Liara shifted, probably fearing how the direction this conversation was taking would affect her. Even Tali, despite Shepard and her never having talked about Elysium or Mindoir, sensed the tensions rising and came closer, her grip on her shotgun tightening.

"I saw what you did there," Shepard continued, her tone dripping with contempt. "I saw your kind dragging little girls away to enslave them. You started this. You attacked us first. And, when we retaliated, you ran off to the Council asking for help."

"Enough! You couldn't possibly understand. Actually, you just don't want to understand. And I'm done wasting my breath. Now, if you want your friends to live, I suggest you step aside."

"I'm not letting a terrorist like you go free," she said, and Kaidan immediately spoke up, hoping to change her mind, but his protests fell on deaf ears.

"I hope you find this worth it," Balak smirked as he brought up his omni-tool. "I'm gonna enjoy gutting you."

After that, it all happened too fast but, to Shepard, it felt like it was happening in slow motion. She started shooting at Balak. Bullets traveled faster than biotics, but his shields bought him enough time to successfully detonate the explosives in the room where the hostages were being held. For a split second, she could hear their terrified screams before they were permanently silenced by the explosion.

Those horrible few seconds — from Kaidan's attempt to convince her to let Balak go, to that dreadful quiet that came after the explosion — dragged out forever, as if to make sure everything about that moment would stay etched in her memory.

She focused her shots on Balak until he was on the floor, breathing heavily, and with blood seeping through his armor.

"You're no better than us, Shepard," he uttered, sounding infuriatingly pleased, even though he was badly wounded. "I gave you a chance to save the hostages and you threw it away. Who's the real terrorist here?"

She marched towards him, determined to put her pistol to his head and end this bastard once and for all. But, the fight was still going on around her and, when he whistled, a varren came running and knocked her down. Her weapon flew away from her hand as her back hit the ground and the varren fell on top of her. The animal was heavy, strong; she could feel his claws digging into her, piercing through her armor as she tried to wrestle it away and keep it from biting her head off. Getting an arm free long enough to execute a biotic throw was proving to be quite the challenge when someone else suddenly did it for her. The field of dark energy that surrounded the varren was so powerful and strong that, for a moment, it kept Shepard from feeling her own biotics. It was Liara, again, coming for her. When the asari had pulled her out of the crossfire earlier today, Shepard had felt her dark energy even more intensely. It had been all around her and it had felt oppressive and dangerous, as if she could drown in it; but, at the same time, it had also been thrilling and alluring to the point of making drowning in it not seem that bad.

Now, what mattered was that the varren was off of her, and Shepard got back to her feet to stop Balak as he tried to limp away. She retrieved her pistol and shot the varren a few times to make sure it wouldn't get up anymore before catching up with batarian. Grasping his shoulder, she spun him around to face her and then shoved him to the ground on his knees. She wasn't going to shoot him on his back; she wanted his four eyes on her as she killed him. And, she did just that, shutting him up for good just when he had started ranting about the imminent rise of the batarian rebellion.

* * *

The instant Shepard was back on the ship, Joker passed along a message from Hackett. The admiral wanted to speak with her about some kind of emergency on Agebinium.

Since it seemed important, she dismissed the ground team and cancelled the debriefing on their mission on Asteroid X57. Truth be told, she was actually thankful for having an excuse to cancel that debriefing; she wasn't ready to discuss what had happened on that rock yet.

After she talked to Hackett and ordered Navigator Pressly to plot a course to Agebinium, she went straight to her room, hoping no one else would want to see her for the rest of the day.

She took a shower, slathered medi-gel on all the cuts and scrapes the varren had given her, slipped into shorts and a tank top, and poured herself a shot of whisky from her private stash. Joker had just announced an ETA of fourteen hours to their new destination and she wondered if her crew would notice if she stayed holed up in her cabin the whole time until they arrived there.

It wasn't that she was hiding. Well, in part, she was. But, she needed some time alone to reflect upon the choice she had made on the asteroid.

She remembered Anderson's words after her N7 assignment, how he had been worried if her judgment could be trusted whenever batarians were involved.

 _Don't let this personal grudge of yours factor into your decision-making process. That is not how things are done in the Alliance. I see a great future for you in the service, but the higher you get in the chain of command, politics become more and more a part of the job; there's no way to avoid it. You'll never be made an admiral, or even a captain, if you can't be impartial every time the batarians are involved,_ he had said _._

Back then, she had been so sure that he was wrong and that she was right, she hadn't even taken his words into consideration. Now, she realized how arrogant it had been of her to simply dismiss advice from a soldier as seasoned as Anderson, and who also cared about her a great deal.

It wasn't the part about being promoted or not that worried her, but the fact that he might have been right about her better judgment being clouded whenever batarians were in the mix.

Had the assailants today been from any other species, would she still have chosen to kill them instead of saving the hostages? Sacrificing three innocent lives shouldn't be done so lightly.

"Shepard?"

It was Kaidan coming into her cabin. She knew he didn't approve of her choice earlier today, and she really didn't feel like going over this with him. Not right now.

His eyes narrowed at the sight of the glass in her hand. That was another thing she wasn't in the mood to talk about.

"It's my first dose. I'm still using a glass." If she were having one of her getting-drunk-to-escape moments, she would be drinking straight from the bottle. Probably.

His gaze traveled to the several spots where her skin was slick with medi-gel and the medi-gel stains on her clothes, until settling on the one spot she had missed: the bruise on her bicep.

Yet another thing she didn't want to talk about. Kaidan had given her that bruise during the fight against Garn's men. She had been acting recklessly and he had stepped up, calling her on it and making her get her act together.

Damn. She really hadn't been at her best today. Far from it. Liara had had to save her twice. Saving each other was a normal part of fighting together with your team in dangerous ground assignments, but Shepard was usually the one doing the saving and not the one being saved.

Anderson had been right after all. Add batarians to the equation and she couldn't think straight anymore.

"If you're feeling bad about this," she made a gesture to point out the bruise, "don't."

She went into the bathroom, squeezed some medi-gel out of the tube, and smeared it on the bruise.

"I'm not," Kaidan said, surprising her as she came out of the bathroom. She had honestly thought he would say he was sorry. "I was trying to keep you alive. That's not something I can apologize for."

The look in his eyes changed then, his gaze growing too heavy for her to hold it, and she looked down and away.

"What happened down there, Shepard?" He sounded rough, his voice charged with a mixture of sadness and disappointment that cut right through her.

"I… " She didn't know what to say. She had lost her head, failing to properly lead her squadmates during combat; putting herself in unnecessary danger; and risking jeopardizing the mission. "I want to be alone right now."

"You're not pushing me away. Why did you cancel the debriefing? We need to talk about what happened today."

"No, we don't."

"You know, before this tour started, Anderson talked to me. He was worried about you, worried if you could be trusted whenever batarians were involved. He even knew you were keeping score, Shepard."

Well, Anderson hadn't been wrong; she had already arrived at that conclusion. If only she hadn't been so stubborn and listened to him back then… "Whatever you're thinking, whatever you want to say, I've said it to myself already."

"What about the fact that we have to hit the ground again in fourteen hours and you're getting yourself drunk?"

"Are you kidding me? You know how much it takes for me to get drunk, Kaidan. I'm a biotic for fuck's sake. But… fine." She put down the glass. "Would you please get me a cup of coffee? Then, we can talk."

He sighed. "Okay."

Kaidan left and, when he came back just minutes later with the coffee, the door to her cabin wouldn't unlock anymore.

"Shepard," he called from the outside.

"I don't want to talk, Kaidan. I want to be alone."

"Did you revoke my clearance?"

After a moment's hesitation, she answered, "Yes."

"Fine," he said bitterly, and walked away without insisting.

She knew she was acting childishly, and that Kaidan meant well, but this was something she wanted to sort out by herself. Also, they would be dealing with a nuclear bomb in a few hours and she needed him to be well rested for the mission. Having some stupid argument with him over her life choices wouldn't do them any good right now.

* * *

April 6th, 2183

Shepard screamed in anger and frustration as she kicked the holodeck that Elanos Haliat had left behind just so he could annoy the hell out of her before trying to kill her.

That man, that fucking human man, had been responsible for Elysium. And, he had also trapped her with an old-timey nuclear bomb.

"Hey, Skipper," Ashley said, putting a hand on her shoulder, "he'll get what's coming to him. We'll get out of here in no time and we'll hunt him down."

Shepard just nodded. Kaidan and Tali were working on disarming the bomb while the commander tried to digest the new piece of information: a human, not a batarian, had tried to raze Elysium to the ground.

She had been damn sure that every single hostile she had killed there had been batarian. Now, she wasn't so sure anymore. Not that those pirates hadn't all deserved to die for what they had done there, but she had raged specifically against  _batarians_ , cursing and hating their entire species as if they were all the same.

Anderson had called her on that, too. When she had told him how she and her team had killed fifty-eight batarians during her N7 assignment, he had corrected her.  _You were sent to the Skepsis System to hunt down pirates, not batarians, lieutenant. Remember that the next time you talk about this job_ , he had said.

One by one, all her excuses to hate the batarians and treat them as if they were all the same were crumpling down before her eyes.

Once the bomb had been diffused and disassembled — with each piece individually destroyed and the uranium core secured into a lead container to be returned to the Alliance so no one else could make use of it — Shepard and her crew escaped the mine through the nearest exit.

They came out on top of a hill from where they could see a group of men camping down below. Shepard ordered her team to halt and put down the lead container they had been carrying. They all crouched to make themselves less visible, and Williams took out her sniper rifle, using the scope to investigate the camp.

"Oh, my God. I think that Haliat guy is down there. Look." She passed the rifle over to Shepard.

It was really him. The same man Shepard had seen in the holo inside the mine. She could just pull the trigger right now and blow his brains out, but that wasn't good enough for her. She wanted him to see her face. She wanted him to know that it was her — the Hero of the Blitz — who was taking his life.

"Tali, Kaidan, we're climbing down that path over there so we can flank them. Williams, you stay here and keep those guys in your sight. Once I give you the signal, you start sniping them out. Shoot to kill, people. We're taking no prisoners today. And, leave Haliat to me." She gave the orders and they all sprung into action.

* * *

Shepard went looking for Kaidan after the debriefing on the mission on Agebinium and after she had reported to Hackett. She caught up with him on the crew deck. "Lieutenant, I'd like to see you in my cabin. Are you busy right now?"

"I was going to hit the showers, but it can wait."

He had barely said a word the entire time they had been planetside. She figured it had been because he was still upset with her, and it was not without reason.

However, once the door to her quarters swished closed behind them, he spoke first. "I'm sorry about yesterday, Shepard," he said, surprising her again. This time, she hadn't been expecting an apology. "You said you wanted to be alone. I should've listened."

Indeed, she had told him several times she had wanted to be alone. "Apology accepted. And, for what it's worth, I'm sorry, too. It was childish to lock you out."

"Yeah, but I understand why you did it."

"Still, I shouldn't have done it. There were better ways to deal with that situation."

"Okay. We're both sorry, then. Can we move past this?"

She nodded, flashing him a small smile, and he smiled back at her.

"These last two missions… how are you taking them?" he asked.

She sighed, crossing her arms in front of her and leaning her hip against the desk. "Things got… more personal than I expected. I was forced to open my eyes to a lot of things I had been ignoring. Misconceptions I had about humans and batarians, you know? I'm still trying to wrap my head around everything."

Kaidan leaned against the desk by her side. "Anything you want to talk about?"

"Thank you, but… no. I think I'll come out a better CO out of this, after I work out all these…  _personal grudges_  I have. But, I want to get there by myself."

"All right. I respect that."

"If I need to talk, I'll come to you."

"Okay. Should I leave you alone, then?"

"Hm... Didn't you say you were going to hit the showers?"

"Yeah."

"Well," she gave him one of her signature crooked grins with an eyebrow raised, "there's a shower right here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to the ME wiki, Elanos Haliat was supposed to be a turian, and ended up shown as human in the game by mistake. His name and dialogue are weird for a human, but I thought this 'mistake' could actually benefit this story, so I went along with it.


	46. The Calm

April 9th, 2183

Shepard couldn't believe the day she was having. For once, things were going great.

Using the same strategy from their mission on the MSV Ontario, she and Kaidan had solved the problem with the biotic commune on Presrop without a single shot being fired. Everyone had made it out alive, and Major Kyle would now receive proper treatment for his PTSD.

Since she had taken only Kaidan groundside with her, instead of having the regular mission debriefing in the comm room, Shepard asked him over to her quarters and they used her terminal to call Hendel Mitra.

Dell was really happy to hear from them and relieved to know his old friend Kyle was no longer missing. Kyle would still have to answer for the deaths of the Alliance officers that had gone to Presrop to deal with his cult prior to Shepard's arrival, but the fact that he had surrendered without a fight showed how willing he was to cooperate and pay for his mistakes. Justice would be served.

After disconnecting the call, Shepard looked up at Kaidan with a bright smile on her face. She was sitting in the chair at the desk and he was standing by her side with his arm on the back of her chair. "We saved almost one hundred people today. Can you believe this?"

A mission transpiring this smoothly, with every little thing going according to plan, it was exactly what Lisa needed after that mess on Asteroid X57.

"Days likes this make it all worth it," Kaidan replied, returning her smile.

They held each other's gaze a moment too long and she couldn't resist grabbing his uniform and pulling him down for a kiss.

For a change, they took it slow. Her tongue brushed his lips and she could feel him smile again against her mouth before parting them invitingly for her.

Putting one hand on her waist and the other on the back of her neck, he gently drew her up until she was standing and their bodies were pressed together. His hands traveled down her sides, fingers barely touching her breasts, leaving her wanting more as he continued to her waist and then to her hips. Without breaking the kiss, he hoisted her up on the desk and she opened her legs, curling them around him and pulling him even closer to her.

She tugged on his shirt, wanting him to get rid of it, and he complied, removing hers next. Her hands explored his chest, nails grazing his nipples and causing his biotics to ripple through his body, incensing hers. Always the more impatient of the two, she kicked off her boots and took off her bra.

"Pants off, lieutenant," she said, a devious smirk on her lips.

"Aye aye, commander." Obediently, Kaidan took a step back and removed the rest of his clothes except for his underwear as Lisa watched him with predatory eyes.

Sliding off the desk, she began unbuckling her belt, but he stopped her and finished undressing her himself, leaving her bare before him.

Kaidan took a moment to appreciate her body, the well-defined muscles, the smooth curves.

"Perfect," he whispered, lowering himself to one knee in front of her.

His hands ran up her thighs until settling on her ass. He squeezed and kneaded her behind as he kissed her stomach and lower, making a path down to the warmth between her legs.

She whimpered as she felt his breath against her folds, and he used his hands on her ass to adjust her position so he could better reach every part of her. Her legs trembled and she gasped as he ran his tongue from her entrance to her clit. Their eyes met and he licked his lips before closing his mouth around her nub, pressing and circling it with his tongue.

Her knuckles were turning white with the strength of her grip on the edge of the desk; her other hand clutching his hair tightly. She moaned and bucked her hips shamelessly as he slipped one finger inside her. A second one soon followed and he started thrusting them into her as he sucked her clit.

It didn't take long until her whole body was shuddering and his name was falling from her lips over and over again with her orgasm.

He kept his fingers inside her, pumping, rubbing against her walls and making her climax last longer. Her knees felt like they would give out but, before that could happen, he hoisted her back on the desk. With a lot more urgency now, he took off his underwear and pushed her legs apart, positioning himself between her thighs. Instead of entering her, though, he started dragging his erection against her folds, the head brushing her slick entrance, teasing her.

"Kaidan, please," she begged breathlessly, her hips pushing against him.

There was no way he could resist her when she sounded like that and, with one swift, relentless movement, he was buried inside her.

She wrapped her legs around him and wiggled her hips to encourage him to move, but he held still and told her to lean back. She obeyed and yelped in surprise when he pulled her legs up and pushed her knees to bend at her chest.

That position allowed him to go even deeper inside her and he groaned at how good it felt.

Slowly, he started to move, dragging himself out of her and then back in, his eyes on hers, enjoying how wonderful she looked writhing underneath him, moaning wantonly with each thrust of his hips.

"Faster," she demanded, but he denied her, a wicked grin on his face as he kept that torturously slow pace.

"Kaidan, please."

Now that was more like it. Was it bad that he liked it so much when she begged?

Grasping her hips to keep her in place, he started pumping harder and faster. Pressure was building quickly and, when he felt her getting closer, twitching and tightening around him, he couldn't hold back anymore.

"Come for me, Lisa," he said, lowering a hand between them and pressing his thumb against her clit.

That was all it took to send her tumbling over the edge, with his name on her lips, her back arching into him and hands grasping the edges of the desk.

Almost at the same time, he came, too; his head thrown back as a guttural sound ripped from his throat and he spilled inside her.

When it was over, he slumped on the desk chair and pulled her into his lap. She lowered her head to the crook of his neck and he caressed her back softly, lovingly, as they caught their breaths again.

"One of these days, we should try making it to the bed," she said, a lazy smile on her lips as she ran her fingers along his collarbone.

"One of these days we will. We've got time," he replied, tightening his arms around her and kissing her forehead.

* * *

April 14th, 2183

The Normandy would be leaving dry dock today after refueling and restocking on the Citadel but, when Kaidan told the commander it was Williams' birthday, Shepard decided to remain ashore a little longer and give the crew the night off to celebrate.

Ashley invited everyone to a nightclub in the Wards and, when they were about to leave the ship, Shepard came out of her room with a gift for the chief.

"Oh, my God, ma'am! This is Spectre grade weaponry. I can't accept it," Williams said, though she was already unboxing the HMWA X assault rifle and inspecting it closely.

"You deserve it, chief. I haven't met many soldiers with your level of skill and you need a weapon to match."

Ignoring protocol, Ash pulled Shepard into a hug. "Thank you, Skipper." When the two women parted, she looked her commander over from head to toe. "You're not coming to Flux in military fatigues, are you? I know some people here who would love to see you in civilian clothes," Ash said and winked at Kaidan.

The sentinel and the adept were so used to Ash teasing them at this point that they just shook their heads, knowing better than to say or do anything that she could – and probably would – mistakenly take as encouragement.

"Thanks for the invite, chief, but I'm not going. You have fun out there and try to stay out of trouble," Shepard said.

"Oh, c'mon, Skipper. It won't be a party without you."

"I would just get in your way. No one wants to party with their CO."

"I wouldn't mind," Kaidan said with that rich husky voice and charming half-smile that were capable of convincing her to do just about anything, even go dancing.

"I, too, would like for you to come with us, Shepard," Liara said softly.

"It will be good for you to unwind, commander," Garrus said.

"See that, Skipper? You have to come," Ashley insisted, and the commander gave in.

"Fine."

* * *

"Hey, commander, you really know how to party, huh?"

Shepard was sure Joker was being ironic, but she wasn't sure why. She was drinking beer at a club during the night cycle. How was that not partying?

The confused look on her face prompted him to explain. "Alliance fatigues? Sexy!"

"I didn't pack any clothes to go clubbing. Didn't think I would need them on the Normandy," she said. She didn't even own any sexy clothes to be honest, at least not compared to what most women in this nightclub were wearing. Maybe she should've borrowed something from Emily before coming here. It would've made her feel less out of place if she had. Blending in with civilians was nice sometimes, relaxing even.

"You could've at least left your pistol on the ship. It would've saved us the trouble with the bouncer."

She looked at him as if he were talking crazy — maybe she couldn't really blend in with civilians after all — but Joker missed her reaction, his attention now focused on finding a place to put his crutches and, next, on climbing into the chair by her side.

"You're sitting here with your CO. How is that partying for you?"

"Brittle bones and crowded dance floor — not the best match. If you want your flight lieutenant at the helm when we set sail tomorrow, believe me,  _this_  is all the partying I should be engaging in."

That made perfect sense to her, so she just accepted his company without any further teasing.

"Kaidan looks like he's enjoying himself," the pilot said after a very short while of companionable silence.

Shepard scanned the club, looking for the sentinel. She spotted him on the dance floor with a beautiful young woman. Her hand was on his bicep and her mouth was really close to his ear as she tried to talk to him and make herself heard over the loud music.

"Ha! I don't think your staff lieutenant will be reporting back to the ship tonight, commander," Joker said, a cheeky grin on his face as if he were the one getting lucky.

Shepard did not respond and just kept watching Kaidan. By the upset but understanding look on the woman's face, it seemed he was letting her down gently and, a moment later, she walked away.

"Where's she going? He ditched her? Why?" Joker was shaking his head in disbelief, while Shepard smiled quietly and finished her beer.

Kaidan met the commander's gaze briefly and went over to the bar to get a drink. A handsome well-dressed man approached him, leaning on the counter by his side and starting a conversation. Like the woman on the dance floor had done, this man eventually started talking closer into his ear and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Huh, I bet he's wishing he'd told me he was into men before I forwarded him all that girl on asari porn," Joker remarked, still observing Kaidan.

Shepard managed to keep a straight face, despite the hint of mirth in her eyes, secretly relieved that the pilot had no idea of her relationship with Kaidan. There were too many people on to them already. Liara and Wrex knew for sure they were fraternizing, while Chakwas and Ash were highly suspicious.

It didn't take long until Kaidan was letting the man down easily, too.

"Hm… Do you think he has someone back home?" Joker asked the commander.

Shepard rolled her eyes, letting out an annoyed huff. It was just her luck that her pilot would take up watching Kaidan, of all the people in that club. "God, Joker. Why are you so interested in the lieutenant's love life?"

"Just people-watching, ma'am. Not much else a guy in crutches can do in a nightclub. And, in my defense, I only started watching Kaidan because of that babe that was talking to him earlier."

"Right."

Kaidan was coming from the bar now, bringing two beers with him. He took a seat at the table with them and passed one of the bottles to Shepard. She thanked him and he clinked his beer to hers before taking a sip. His expression was peaceful, happy, as if he had everything he wanted right now. She couldn't help but grin, too, to see that beautiful easy smile on his face.

"I'm glad you decided to come here with us, commander," he told her.

Joker gaped. "Oh? Ooooh! No wonder you didn't have eyes for anyone else. I mean, the Hero of the Blitz and the first human Spectre… talk about shooting for the stars. Never thought you had it in you, Alenko. I mean,  _you_ … breaking regs… wow!"

"Joker!" Shepard gave him a stern look to cut him off and wipe that smug grin off his face. "Keep your fantasies to yourself. The lieutenant and I are old friends. There are no regs being broken here."

She was lying through her teeth, but it was still a better option than letting one more person into her and Kaidan's dirty little secret.

"Sorry, ma'am," the pilot said, though he did not look apologetic at all.

Fuck. She shouldn't have come here tonight. Shaking her head, she said, "I should go. Thanks for the beer, lieutenant."

Kaidan shot Joker an angry look and rushed after the commander as she was walking out. "Shepard, wait. I'm coming with you."

"You should stay. Let's try not to give them any more reason to talk."

He opened his mouth to object, but then closed it and nodded in agreement. She had a point.

"Make sure everyone gets back to the ship in one piece."

"Aye aye, commander."

She gave him a small smile. "Good night, lieutenant."

"G' night, commander."

* * *

"Sorry I blew your date, man," the pilot said when Kaidan got back to the table.

"Just drop it, Joker."

Ashley came over from the dance floor with Liara, Tali, and Garrus. "Where's Skipper?"

"She left," Kaidan said.

"It was probably my fault," Joker said.

It was starting to bother Kaidan how nonchalant the pilot always sounded about everything, no matter what was being discussed.

Williams flicked the tip of his cap. "Damn. What did you do?"

"It wasn't his fault. The commander wanted to get some shut-eye. That's all," Kaidan intervened before Joker could say something compromising.

A trace of suspicion crossed Liara's eyes, but the others seemed to have bought that excuse.

"I'm going to go, too," the asari said. "I'm not used to loud and crowded places, and I think I've had enough for today."

Kaidan would have rather gone back to the ship as well but, since Shepard had asked him to stay and keep her crew out of trouble, that was what he would do.

* * *

It was past 0300 hrs when the rest of the crew finally returned to the Normandy. Instead of getting into his sleeper pod, Kaidan found himself at Shepard's door. He wasn't completely sure of what he was doing there.

Yes, he wanted to check on her. Also, he wanted to find out if she had restored his clearance to her room. All of that could wait, however. There was no reason for him to disturb her at this late hour.

Yet, there he was at her door anyway, and it promptly slid open for him.

What he did not expect was to find Liara sitting on the bed with Shepard, holding the commander's trigger-calloused hands in her delicate blue ones.

The asari got all flustered to see him and jumped to her feet as if she had been caught doing something wrong.

After an instant of awkward silence, Kaidan and Liara started to apologize at the same time, both saying they were leaving.

Shepard got up and told Kaidan to wait. Then, she hugged Liara and told the asari they would talk more later. As the asari took her leave, Kaidan approached the commander.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know you had company."

"It's okay."

"Was she here long?"

Shepard looked at her tool to check the time and seemed surprised to realize how late it was. "Yeah, I guess she was."

"You know," Kaidan rubbed back of his neck as he tried to figure out how to say this without it looking like he was being jealous, "there's a lower deck rumor that she's, uh, interested in you. As more than a source of Prothean data."

Shepard came closer to him, the corners of her mouth quirking up a bit. "Are you jealous?"

He let out a nervous laugh at having failed so miserably at disguising his feelings. "She's, uh, a very interesting lady."

Her eyes narrowed slightly, though there was still a trace of amusement in them. She was enjoying his discomfort, wasn't she? "Should  _I_  be jealous, then?"

"No, ma'am. She's not to my tastes. You know I prefer  _adventurous_  women." He put his arms around her waist, pulling her to him, and they stared into each other's eyes. "Seriously, Shepard, I enjoy being around you, but I don't want to take up all your personal time."

"You don't take up nearly enough, Kaidan, but we'll rectify that as soon as this tour is over." Standing on her toes, she met his lips, her kiss slow and full of promise.

"I'm looking forward to it."

* * *

April 29th, 2183

After days of planet-hopping, cleaning out geth outposts in the Traverse, Shepard thought that her crew could use a break. So, when they docked at the spaceport in the city of Tykis, on Thessia, for Liara to get her clothes and personal belongings from her apartment, the commander gave the crew three days of leave. No one on the Normandy, except for Wrex, had visited the asari homeworld before, and they were all excited to have this opportunity to explore the place.

That was, as soon as they managed to get cleared by the customs agents. Thessia was more strict and bureaucratic than the Citadel in regards to outside visitors.

Not even Shepard's Spectre status was enough to convince the authorities to let the mandatory inspection for all incoming ships slide. The commander didn't have anything to hide, but that didn't mean she liked it when strangers went sniffing around on her ship.

After that mess had finally been sorted out, Shepard accompanied Liara to her apartment noticing, on their way there, the colorful and sparkly decorations all over the city.

"It's beautiful here, Liara. Is it always like this?"

"No. I had almost forgotten! Tomorrow is the  _Alesi_."

" _Alesi_?"

"It's a major asari holiday, celebrated worldwide. It's similar to the New Year on Earth, only the  _Alesi_  marks the passage of every ten thessian years."

"Hm, the crew will be happy to find out about this. How do you celebrate it?"

"It starts at dawn. We go out in shiny dresses and face paint in the same colors and patterns used by our family ancestors. In small towns, there's always one arena where everyone gathers for the celebration. Big cities like Tykis have several places of gathering."

"What do you do when you gather?"

"We showcase our talents, whatever they may be, and share knowledge."

"Share knowledge? How?" If the  _Alesi_  was actually some sort of class or seminar, then the crew would probably be disappointed.

"By joining minds. Every asari is encouraged to join minds with another for the purpose of sharing something they've learned."

"I thought you didn't have much experience joining minds."

"I don't. Joining minds with asari under one hundred years old is frowned upon. This is the first time I'll be sharing knowledge during the  _Alesi_. I mean, if I'm allowed to attend. This shore leave you gave us... I'm not sure about how it works."

"You're allowed to do whatever you want, Liara. You're not military, you're not being paid, and we're not on my ship. I have no authority over you."

From the look on the doctor's face, it was like she was upset to hear that.

"For those on active duty, shore leave is like a vacation," Shepard continued to explain. "But, I'd still like to have you back on the ship in three days with the rest of crew."

Liara gave her a bashful smile. "I want to be back, too. Thank you, Shepard."

"So, how do you decide who you share with and what to share during the  _Alesi_?" Shepard asked before things started to get awkward between them.

"When we're showcasing our talents, that's when we're supposed to find a partner. And, what we share must be something the other has little to no knowledge of."

"What about aliens who are visiting? Do we have to participate?"

"Not with the melding. Tradition dictates that it has to be done with one of our own."

Shepard was actually very relieved to hear that.

"But, you can participate in everything else," Liara continued. "The festivities last until the next dawn."

"That's one long party. What else do you do?"

"We eat, drink, and dance. There are always plenty of vendors in the places of gathering, offering food and drinks from all regions of Thessia."

"That sounds really nice, Liara."

"Perhaps you would like to come?"

"Sure. I don't have a shiny dress, though."

"It's okay. You can use one of mine. And, I can do your face paint, too."

"All right. Thank you."

* * *

Liara's apartment looked liked no one had visited in a long time. She opened the windows to let in some light and fresh air before starting to pack the duffel bag Shepard had gotten her for the things she wanted to bring with her on the Normandy.

"These are the dresses I used in the last three  _Alesi_." She splayed them out on her bed for Shepard to see.

They looked more like robes, comfortable and loose, and made with some sparkly fabric she had never seen before. For some reason, the commander had expected they would be revealing and sexy. It seemed she had a lot more misconceptions about the asari than she realized.

One of the dresses was pink and Shepard immediately thought of Williams. "This one will be perfect for the chief. Can I wear the red one?"

"Of course." Liara sounded aloof, distracted by a package that had been sitting on her nightstand. "Odd. I don't remember seeing this here when I left."

Shepard immediately sprung into action, pulling up a barrier and knocking the package out of Liara's hands before dragging her away from it.

"It's from Bene- my mother, Shepard."

For the commander, that was all the more reason to be suspicious, but Liara seemed confident that the package was safe.

"We might have drifted apart in the last few years, but she would always craft me my dress for the  _Alesi_."

"Do you think that's what's in the box?"

"Yes. She must have left it here before... before Saren got..." Liara's voice wavered, her lips trembling slightly.

"Hey..." Shepard gave her a stiff, uncomfortable hug and patted her on the back awkwardly. "Let me just scan the package first, okay?"

It turned out Liara was right and she was very disappointed, despite trying to pretend she was fine, after she'd read the message that her mother had sent with the robe.

Shepard didn't know how to read their language, but Liara read the note out loud and the translator picked it up.

_To my daughter. Enjoy the Alesi._

It was obvious Liara had hoped for a longer note, containing a more meaningful message.

"It's a beautiful dress, Liara. Why don't you try it on?" Shepard said, attempting to lighten the mood.

"I know it'll fit. Mother never got one wrong."

The commander looked down, feeling out of her element. There were exactly two ways she knew of for comforting others. One was reserved for Kaidan only, so she tried the other. "How about we go for a drink?"

* * *

Kaidan decided to get a hotel room in Tykis instead of staying on the ship, and sent Shepard a message with the location and room number, inviting her to come over.

She answered that she would come, but hours later there was still no sign of her. He was about to give up waiting and go to bed alone when the door slid open and she came in unannounced, using the access code he had sent her earlier. She wasn't wasted, but he could tell she'd been drinking.

"Hey, where have you been?"

"With Liara." She gave him a peck on the lips and went straight to the bathroom. "She wants us to come to the  _Alesi_  party with her tomorrow."

"They told me all about it at the front desk. It starts at the break of dawn."

"Yeah, but nights are longer here. We've got time…" Shepard came out of the bathroom only in her underwear, giving him a mischievous smile.

His eyes darkened at the sight of her and he pulled her into his arms. "Let's go to bed. We can talk about this later."

"This party is kinda like New Year's Eve. You have to come with me. It's our thing."

"Or, we could stay here, just the two of us," he said, already taking off her bra, "and go to Vancouver in December when it's actually New Year's Eve."

"What if we can't make it? We could be on a mission or… I don't know. Why not have this early celebration tomorrow, just in case?"

He picked her up and threw her on the bed on her back, grinning to see how that made her squeal and giggle. "Fine," he said, crawling on top of her, "now, shut up." To make sure she would comply, he crashed his mouth against hers in a searing kiss.

* * *

April 30th, 2183

It had been years since they had last spent a whole night together and Kaidan was happy for it, even if Shepard was up before it was even morning yet.

"The party starts at dawn," she said from the bathroom as if she had read his thoughts, "which should be in less than an hour."

"Yeah, I know." He dragged himself to the bathroom. She hadn't gotten dressed yet, and he stopped to stand behind her, admiring her reflection on the mirror.

"Morning, Kaidan," she said softly, giving him a sweet smile.

"Morning, Lisa," he replied, dipping his head to kiss a path from her shoulder to her neck, his fingers curling around her waist.

She moaned in approval, leaning into him. "I left my duffel bag on the ship. Do you mind if I use your toothbrush?"

"You already did, didn't you?" He was kissing the back of her neck now, around her headjack, making her shiver in his arms.

"Yeah..."

"Gross."

She ground her hips against his, feeling his hardening cock pushing against her ass. "I might have to borrow some clean underwear from you, too."

"And, I might have to punish you for forgetting all your stuff," he whispered in her ear, pleased to see how her skin broke out in gooseflesh with his words.

"Hmm, I think I'll start forgetting to pack more often, then."

* * *

They were late, but it had been totally worth it. What Kaidan hadn't expected was to find Tali, Ash, Garrus, Wrex, Chakwas, Adams, and Joker at Liara's place, too. But, if any of them noticed he and Shepard were arriving late together, they were discreet enough not to remark on it. It helped that they all seemed too caught up in getting ready for the  _Alesi_  and helping each other apply the face paint in the same colors and patterns Liara was using.

The doctor had somehow found sparkly robes for everyone, including Wrex, who looked even bigger and, surprisingly, more menacing in a loose flashy purple dress. Which was probably due to how toothy his grin was and how he couldn't stop laughing at himself and the others.

T'Soni gave Shepard and Kaidan their robes and explained that attending the  _Alesi_  without the traditional attire and makeup was considered disrespectful. Even Tali had the markings painted on her face plate and was wearing a glittery yellow dress on top of her enviro suit.

The marines slipped their respective robes on over their uniforms, too, but, when Shepard reached for the face paint brushes, Liara put a hand on top of hers.

"Please, Shepard, allow me to do it for you."

The commander agreed, sitting back as T'Soni fussed with the dyes.

Kaidan suspected Liara had a crush on Shepard, but he had already brought that up once and the commander had made light of it. He hadn't insisted, because he wasn't sure of Liara's feelings or if she would ever act on them, and he didn't want to seem jealous for no reason.

Maybe, watching Shepard and the doctor together now could provide him with more clues to help him figure out what Liara's intentions were.

The asari started with the commander's forehead, cupping her cheek as she drew the first markings.

"Let me do yours, LT. Close your eyes."

Kaidan would've liked to watch Shepard and Liara longer, but Ashley had already taken the brush from him and started painting his face.

She got it done faster than Liara, who was painting Shepard with a lot more care and delicacy. Kaidan still got to see the asari draw the last marking, a thick line that ran down the length of the commander's nose and ended at her upper lip.

"You look beautiful, commander," Liara said, her eyes full of admiration for probably more than her own work.

Dawn was breaking in the sky of Tykis and they all headed out, splitting between four rental skycars.

The area near Liara's arena of choice was packed, and they had to park at a considerable distance from their destination. She was leading the way, telling them to hurry, and Kaidan barely had time to worry about Joker when he passed by, getting a piggyback ride from Wrex.

"We're never mentioning this again," the pilot told the krogan when they arrived at the arena and Wrex let him down.

"Don't worry. I never mentioned the other thirty-seven times I carried you either," Wrex said, making everyone laugh while Joker scowled at him.

Getting in, Kaidan felt his skin crawl, his implants activating despite himself. The same unease was etched on Shepard's face, while Wrex had already pulled up a barrier.

"There's no danger here. You'll see," Liara told them as her own dark energy erupted and enveloped her.

A few more steps in and they could finally see what was going on. There were thousands of asari in the arena and they were showing their talents which, in most cases, consisted of biotic moves and tricks.

There were some playing instruments Kaidan had never seen before, others doing crafts, performing dance moves, and even demonstrating hand-to-hand fighting techniques, which was something asari rarely engaged in.

However, the large majority were using their biotics in ways that for Kaidan — and for Shepard and Wrex, too, judging by the looks of astonishment on their faces — were new and unexpected.

"Kaidan, look at that! We've got to learn how to do that," Shepard said, pointing at an asari that was sending a biotic shockwave through the ground, knocking everything out of its way for a few meters until it finally faded. "Damn, that would be great against husks!"

He and Shepard ended up separating from the group, running around the arena like kids in a candy store, watching wide-eyed at all the incredible things the asari were doing. Some could even use dark energy to smoothly float down from higher ground.

After some time, the adept and the sentinel had even picked their favorites moves: the slam, the nova, the charge, and the shockwave. They didn't have the chance to learn them, though, as, on the speakers, it was announced that it was time for the asari to pair up and join minds.

Kaidan and Shepard regrouped with the Normandy crew and waited for the mind-melding to end, along with plenty of other alien tourists that were in the arena.

Liara didn't take too long with her chosen asari partner and came running over when she saw Shepard was back with the group.

"Commander, there's something I'd like to share with you. Something that can help you, that can make you feel safer."

Shepard took a step back, tensing up visibly. "How?"

"By joining our minds again."

"Liara, you know I don't –"

"I know, but this won't be like the other times. I just want to show you how to protect your thoughts and memories if others of my species ever meld their minds with yours again. They will only be able to see what you allow them to see; nothing else."

Kaidan saw the uncertainty in Shepard's eyes as she met his gaze. By now, he was convinced T'Soni had more than just a crush on her and he didn't like the idea of them joining minds again, especially when he knew how upsetting that act was to Shepard.

However, what Liara was offering was something that, had the commander known it was even possible, she would've undoubtedly wished she could do it.

Shepard looked away for a moment, running her fingers through her short hair, considering. When she drew a deep breath and straightened her back, steeling herself as if she were going into battle, Kaidan knew she would agree to it.

He also knew how intimate a mind-melding could be but, if Shepard could overlook her extreme dislike for that act to willingly agree to take part in it again, then he, too, could swallow his jealousy and support her.

The next time she met his eyes, he took her hand, squeezing it in his, and gave her a nod to encourage her.

Thankfully, Shepard and Liara weren't joined for too long and, when it was over, the commander seemed perfectly fine. Liara, on the other hand, was looking a little woozy and Shepard found her a place to sit.

The party had started for real now, with loud music, dancing, and drinking. Shepard asked Dr. Chakwas to stay with Liara, and signaled Kaidan to join her as she went to get them drinks.

"So, how was it?" he asked.

"She did what she promised. No prying into my head this time. It was like having something downloaded to my brain, but in a... gentle way. Nothing like beacon."

Kaidan was relieved to hear it.

"There's something else," Shepard said. "You were right."

"About?"

"Her. Her interest in me."

"So you noticed it,too. Did something happened while you were… joined?"

"Sort of. She let me see this fantasy she has where we... we're together, she and I. I think it was deliberate, because the first time we joined minds I couldn't see anything in hers. The same with Sha'ira and Shiala; I could only see what they chose to show me."

"What kind of fantasy?"

"It was more like an illusion, I guess. It's hard to explain. I could see and hear her. Even feel her by my side, holding my hand as we walked through various places I wasn't familiar with, but somehow I knew they mattered to her. She used this illusion to show me how to keep others out. Unless I let her guide me, all I could see in her mind was darkness. She was the only one who could shed light on the places we walked by. And, she showed me how to do the same."

"What about her feelings for you? Do you think she might…"

"I don't think she'll act on it. She knows we're together, Kaidan. And, she had plenty of opportunities to come on to me last night, but she didn't. She kept it to herself."

As much as Kaidan liked hearing Shepard so casually acknowledging their relationship, as if they were a normal couple and not Alliance officers breaking some serious regulations, there was still a small part of him that worried about the possibility of Liara coming between them. Things had never run smoothly for them before. There was no reason why that would change now.

"Hey, listen to me." She stopped and turned to face him, her hand shooting up to cup his cheek, dark eyes boring into his, as if she had sensed his uncertainty and wanted to reassure him. "I love you. I've loved you for almost half of my life but, now… now it's the first time we have a real shot at having a future together and I'm not wasting it. I won't let anyone or anything keep me from you. Not anymore. I know I've let you down before. You don't have to believe me. Just… stay and I'll prove it to you."

He lowered his forehead to hers. The weight of her words and the intensity of this moment caught him by surprise, and he sucked in a steadying breath. "I'm not going anywhere. I believe you."

They both moved at once, closing the last few centimeters to each other's mouth. For a brief second, Kaidan worried about the mess this kiss could cause to their face paint before deciding he didn't care.

When her omni-tool started playing the Rebel Alliance theme song from Star Wars, she broke the kiss. "Sorry. I have to take this."

"The brass?" he asked, and she nodded, accepting the vid-call.

"Shepard, where have you been? The Council has been trying to reach you. They…" Hackett trailed off as his eyes narrowed on her. "What's that on your face? And, what are you wearing?"

"I'm on Thessia, sir. Today is the  _Alesi_."

"Ah. I see. Well, try not to have too much fun. I heard things can get wild at that party after a few hours and we need you in one piece."

A few instants after Hackett disconnected the call, the commander's tool started ringing again.

"Captain Anderson."

"Shepard?"

"Yes, sir. What do you need, sir?"

The corners of his mouth curled up visibly, which was the closest Anderson would get to chuckling. "Admiral Hackett told me to call you ASAP. He didn't tell me why, just said it would be worth it."

"And, was it, sir?"

"Indeed it was, commander."

"Glad to be of service," she said sarcastically.

"Dr. T'Soni is her name, right? Matriarch Benezia's daughter?"

"Yes." She had no idea where he was going with this.

"Is it just the asari culture that is rubbing off on you or are you two – You know what, Shepard? Don't tell me. Just don't let it interfere with your duties. The mission must always come first."

"I know, sir."

"Then go clean up and call the Council. They have a lead on Saren."

"Yes, sir."

"Good hunting, Shepard."

The commander disconnected the call and turned to Kaidan. "Tell everyone to report back to the ship ASAP. Shore leave is cancelled. We have a lead on Saren."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was turning out huge and I didn’t want to split it in two, I just wanted to wrap it up and move on with the plot, so I edited out a sex scene. I know fade to black can be disappointing (and I did it twice this chapter), but there was already all that smut in the beginning, so… Anyway, I might post the scene later, here or on tumblr, probably during the next Kaidan Porn Week. If I do, I’ll let you know through an author note in the upcoming chapters.
> 
> All the stuff you read here about Thessia and the asari was made up. I hope it wasn’t bad and you enjoyed it.


	47. The Storm

May 4th, 2183

Everything went wrong on Virmire.

And she had thought things couldn't get any worse when Wrex had put his shotgun in her face.

_Out of the corner of her eye, Shepard noticed how the rest of her crew trained their weapons on the krogan but kept their distance, not wanting to make the situation any tenser and giving her the chance to try and talk him down._

_They were a good crew. The best she could've asked for, and she would be damned if she was going to let them start shooting at each other._

" _Wrex, this isn't a cure. It's a weapon. And if Saren is allowed to use it, you won't be around to reap the benefits. None of us will."_

_He looked down, considering her words. The safety on his gun was still on. That was not a mistake a veteran warrior like Wrex would make. He didn't want to shoot her as much she didn't want to shoot him. So, she decided to take a chance and sheathed her pistol, raising her hands up in the air._

_The krogan seemed taken aback by her action. Shepard had fought alongside him enough to see he wasn't just some greedy merc looking for personal gain. Wrex fought with honor, and there was no honor in shooting a comrade who posed you no threat._

" _These krogan are not your people, Wrex. They're slaves for Saren. Tools. Is that what you want for them?"_

She had convinced him and, then, when they had found Saren's lab inside the base, she had asked Tali to download all the research data for this supposed cure for the genophage that had been synthesized there. She owed Wrex at least that.

Dr. Chakwas and T'Soni were examining the data right now. If everything checked out, if there really was a cure for the genophage in those files, Shepard could use it to rally the support of the krogan for her fight against the Reapers. Even though Sovereign had actually talked to her on Virmire, the Council still wouldn't believe her. They were too focused on Saren and the geth and refused to see what the real threat was.

This war was shaping up to be a lot bigger than she had anticipated, and she would need to start gathering allies. The krogan would be a good start, but they wouldn't be enough.

Letting out a tired sigh, Shepard lowered her head to rest on Kaidan's bed in the medbay. He was still recovering from the shot he had taken to the gut at the bomb site. Chakwas had told her that he was going to be fine, but that he had lost a lot of blood and needed to rest.

"Commander." Liara approached her, gently putting a hand on her shoulder. "When you're ready, I would like to join minds with you again. The information from the beacon on Virmire might help us understand the whole picture and the full extent of the Reaper threat."

Shepard had known this was coming. The asari had been dancing around this subject from the moment she had watched the commander get trapped by the Prothean beacon in Saren's lab.

"One thing at a time, T'Soni. I need you and Chakwas to finish analyzing that research data first."

"We're almost done, commander," Chakwas said. "But, don't get your hopes up. I don't think this… 'cure' is what we thought it would be."

Great. The bad news was just piling up, then. Kirrahe asking her to assign one of her crew to his command had been but the start.

She hadn't wanted to do it, of course, but the salarian had forced the issue, and she'd needed him if she'd wanted to have a real shot at stopping Saren so, in the end, she had conceded.

" _Williams, you go with the salarians. Kaidan, go get the nuke ready. Take your marine detail with you to guard the device and wait for my signal to bring it in. Vakarian, Tali, Wrex, Liara, and I will infiltrate the base to disable their defenses and clear the bomb site."_

_They all nodded in acknowledgment of her orders, but there was this feeling of unease lingering amongst them. Kirrahe's plan was very risky. It was all or nothing now, and they all knew how much was at stake._

" _Look, it doesn't matter if we're not in the same unit. We're still a team," Shepard told her crew, hoping it would boost their confidence. "Watch each other's backs, keep your eyes open, and fight like I know you can. Good hunting. I'll see you on the other side."_

All teams had kept radio contact during the operation. Shepard and her squad had done everything they could to help Williams and the salarians, but it hadn't been enough. Realizing she wouldn't have time to get all her people on board before the bomb went off had been one of the worst situations she had ever faced as a CO.

" _Heads up, LT. We just spotted a dropship heading to your location."_

" _It's already here. There's geth pouring out all over the bomb site."_

_Fuck! Shepard ordered her team to halt. "Lieutenant, can you hold them off?"_

" _Negative. There's too many of them."_

" _Just hold on. I'm coming back to get you."_

" _I don't think we can survive until you get here. I'm activating the bomb."_

" _Kaidan, what are you doing?"_

" _It's already done, Shepard. I… I'm sorry. Go get Williams and get the hell out of here."_

_Ashley immediately started protesting, but Shepard wasn't going to let them argue over who would get to be sacrificed for the mission. This was not their call to make._

_Choosing who to save wasn't a problem, because this wasn't really a matter of choice. Kaidan was the ranking officer between the two. Military protocol dictated that, in extreme situations, survival of the officers higher in rank took priority. It might seem cold, but the military wasn't known for its warmth and compassion. There was no Williams or Alenko for the Alliance. There was a staff lieutenant and a gunnery chief and, strategically, the staff lieutenant was more valuable. Not only that, but the entire marine detail of the Normandy was at the bomb site with the lieutenant, and they were being overpowered by the geth. For the mission to be completed, the bomb needed to go off. Shepard couldn't risk having the geth wiping everyone out and deactivating it._

_So, running back to the bomb site wasn't that much of a choice, but her duty as the officer in charge of this operation. That did not mean, however, that she was fine with leaving people behind. Far from it._

The simple fact that it had come to saving one or the other reeked of failure. It should not have come to that.

Williams hadn't even been the only casualty. Two of the men in the marine detail had perished, too. Private Ming and Private Torres. Or was it Pontes? Shepard scratched the scar on her face hard enough to redden the skin around it, an anguished groan escaping her throat. These kids were following her into hell, giving their lives for the mission, and she could barely connect their names to their faces.

Kaidan stirred in the cot, catching her attention. It had been a few hours since Chakwas had put him under to remove the bullet and close the wound, and it was about time he woke up, even though she wasn't exactly looking forward to talking to him about the mission.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Shepard put a hand softly over his as he opened his eyes and felt a little better herself when he laced his fingers with hers.

"I… I'll be fine. Williams?"

The commander shook her head, eyes downcast.

"I can't believe we left her down there," he said. His voice was hoarse and Shepard got him a bottle of water and helped him sit up to drink it.

"She knew the risks going in and she gave her life to save the rest of us."

"Yeah, but –"

"Kaidan," she interrupted him, shooting a glance at Liara and Chakwas, "I'm not doing this here. Come over to my quarters later and we'll talk."

* * *

May 5th, 2183

Dr. Chakwas kept Kaidan under observation in the medbay until the morning. When she finally released him, the Normandy had already docked at the Citadel and Shepard had gone ashore, leaving Pressly in charge.

The deck was quieter than usual, which was more than expected after the death of three crew members. Kaidan wanted to talk to Shepard about the mission but, since she wasn't around, he went for a shower first. When he came out, Pressly was announcing the ship lockdown. The sentinel immediately tried to contact the commander, but she wasn't answering her tool. He checked the feed from her suit, but the last data recorded was from Virmire; she hadn't put it on today.

That reminded him that his suit would need fixing and cleaning, and he went down to the hangar deck to take care of it. Maybe, in the meantime, Shepard would come back to the ship.

The sentinel sucked in a deep breath, preparing himself to face Ash's workbench, expecting to find it exactly as she had left it — tools organized by size, mods and upgrades categorized according to the weapons they were compatible with, ammo boxes neatly piled up.

Instead, what he found was his own armor, fixed and cleaned, and everything else in complete disarray. It had to be Shepard's doing.

"Joker, do you know where the commander is?" he asked over the comm as he started reorganizing the workbench.

"She went to see to the Council. I don't think it went very well."

"Who grounded us?"

"Udina. I didn't even know he could do that. But, I checked, and the lockdown codes are legit."

"I need to talk to Shepard."

"I bet you do, man. How are you holding up?"

"I... I'm not used to losing people."

"Yeah. Me neither. Glad we didn't lose you, too. The commander carried you to the ship on her back. Guess fear and adrenaline make you do things you didn't even know you were capable of. You're a lucky man, Alenko. I think she would die before letting anything bad happen to you."

"I think she would die for any one of us, Joker."

* * *

Shepard tried everything she could think of without breaking the law to get the lockdown on the Normandy revoked, but nothing worked. Official channels were closed and she was having a hard time not letting a feeling of defeat take over her. Getting drunk in some dingy bar was starting to seem more appealing by the minute.

There were several unread messages and missed calls on her tool from Kaidan, Liara, Joker, and Dr. Chakwas. For one reason or another, they were all looking for her. But, it wasn't like any of them could help with the lockdown, so she could just answer them later. She didn't want to go back to the ship empty-handed and face her crew without having any ideas on what they were going to do next.

So, dingy bar it was.

"Shepard."

She hadn't even finished her first drink and one of them had already found her.

"Wrex."

The krogan asked the bartender for two shots of some mystery drink and passed her one. "Drink it. I'm buying."

She shrugged and downed it all at once, hissing at how much it burned going down her throat. "Damn it, Wrex. What is this shit?"

"Ryncol. Not recommended for humans, but I'm starting to think you're part krogan, Shepard."

"Uh, thanks, I guess."

"Everyone on the ship is looking for you."

"Well, you found me."

"I wasn't really looking. Just followed your smell."

"That bad, huh?"

"Not worse than other humans."

They downed two more shots, one for each, and she let out a heavy sigh, bringing up her tool. "I better tell them to standby for orders while I figure this out."

"Whatever you decide to do, you can count on me, Shepard. I just have one condition: when we find Saren, I want his head."

"Not literally, I hope. I can leave him to you, but don't try to bring another severed head aboard my ship, Wrex. It's just not happening."

Wrex laughed out loud, but did not confirm or deny what his true intentions were.

Shepard rolled her eyes at him playfully, but then sobered up when she realized what the real reason was for him being there, buying her drinks and trying to be nice. "I assume Chakwas and T'Soni told you about Saren's research?"

"Yeah. It was not a cure. That  _krankvart_  was rewriting our DNA with a Reaper code to make us resistant to the genophage. Good thing we nuked that place."

The commander nodded. "I'm just sorry it costed Williams' life. I'm tired of losing people."

"And what are you going to do about that? You're not just going to sit here and watch the Reapers roll through, are you?"

"No."

"No," she repeated after a few moments, sounding more determined the second time.

Standing, she straightened herself up and squared her shoulders. "I have an idea. Let's go."

* * *

"Shepard? I was trying to reach you. I have an idea."

She let out a relieved sigh. This was not the reason why she had called Captain Anderson, but all suggestions were welcome right now. "Thank God, sir, because I was about to do something very bad."

"Where are you? What were you going to do?"

"I'm outside Udina's office and I was planning to put my gun in his face and threaten him until he lifted the lockdown." Sheepishly, she added, "Sir."

That was why she had called Captain Anderson — to give him a heads-up on what she was about to do and ask him to keep the heat off her back at least until she stopped Saren.

"You are serious about this, aren't you?"

"Yes, I am, sir. Please, tell me you have a better idea."

"Well, I'm not proud to admit this, Shepard, but I was thinking along the same lines. Just… don't do anything yet. I'm coming over."

"Yes, sir."

* * *

Pressly relayed Shepard's orders through the intercom to the whole ship. Human or alien, everyone was to step outside immediately and wait for her at the docking bay.

Kaidan complied, of course, and hoped Shepard would get there soon. There was a lot of murmuring among the crewmen. Everyone was looking worried and apprehensive.

Once Shepard came out of the elevator, the whispers ceased. Wrex was by her side, and they crossed over to the small crowd and stopped to stand before them.

"As you all know, our ship is grounded," Shepard said. "Our warnings have fallen on deaf ears. The Council and the Alliance are rallying the fleets here at the Citadel but, if we don't go to Ilos, if we don't stop Saren from using the Conduit, then life as we know it will be over. So, I'm giving you a choice. In a few minutes, the lockdown will be overrun and I'm going to steal the Normandy and carry on with the mission. Up til now, it was your duty to serve aboard this ship. From this point on, it'll be your choice. If you come back on board, you'll be mutineers. And, if we don't pull this off... well, you know how the Alliance treats mutineers. But, if Saren and the Reapers continue unopposed, if we don't stop them now, there won't be an Alliance for you to answer to."

The silence in the docking bay was deafening. Shepard needed at least seven people to safely fly the Normandy, including a flight lieutenant and an engineer. If she didn't have that, then all this would have been for nothing. But, she wasn't going to lie to them just to get them on board. They had the right to know what they were getting into.

"So, who's coming with me?" she asked, stepping into the airlock with Wrex.

Garrus, Tali, and Liara were the first to spring into motion and get on the ship, which was no surprise. From the start, it had been their choice to follow Shepard into this mess and the Alliance had no authority over them whatsoever.

Joker was the first marine to do the same, clumsily poking the others with his crutches until they had cleared a path for him to move through. "You know how much trouble it is for me to get out of the helm with these things?" He stopped in front of Shepard, indicating his crutches with a nod, and shook his head. "If you'd told me what this was about, I wouldn't have bothered coming outside."

"C'mon, Joker. If you want me to carry you, you can just ask," Wrex said, laughing as he followed the pilot inside.

Shepard felt honored and moved to see Chakwas, Adams, Chase, Negulesco, Lowe… the whole crew, even Pressly, who was a complete stickler for the rules, board the ship.

When there was no one but Kaidan and the commander in the docking bay, he walked over to her, a small smile on his lips. "Hey, you've been gone all day. I was worried about you."

"I needed to find a way to get my ship off of this damned station."

"I would've helped you."

"You were shot. You needed to rest."

He nodded, not quite agreeing, but seeing her point. "Can I come over to your cabin later? I'd like to take you up on that offer to talk about what happened on Virmire."

She raised one intrigued eyebrow at him. "Does that mean you're helping me steal the Normandy and break every damned regulation in the book?"

"Hell, yeah. I'm with you to the end, Shepard. All in."

"Thank you."

"Commander." He saluted her and walked into the ship.

* * *

Anderson had succeeded on lifting the lockdown on the Normandy and they were already en route to Ilos when Kaidan came to see Shepard in her quarters.

He sat down stiffly in her desk chair, the wound he had suffered on Virmire still not fully healed and causing him some discomfort. The look on his face, both tired and anguished, was probably not due to physical pain, though.

"How are you dealing with Ash's death? And, Ming's and…"

"Torres'?"

"Yeah."

"I'm… dealing. How do you do this, Shepard? I keep thinking that maybe, if I had done something differently…"

There it was. She knew there was something upsetting him. "It was not your fault, Kaidan."

"I activated the bomb and told you to leave. I made the choice so you wouldn't have to make it, Shepard. The bomb would go off and the mission would've been completed. Why did you come back for me?"

Fuck. She hadn't looked at that shitstorm this way. If she had... she still wouldn't have done anything differently. Kaidan was too noble for his own good. "Alliance regulations state that in a situation where –"

"Don't quote regs at me, Shepard. You've been breaking them from the start. We've just stolen the Normandy for fuck's sake."

"Fine. Then what do you want, Kaidan? What is this about?"

"If I were the gunnery chief and Ash was the staff lieutenant, who would you have saved?"

"Kaidan…" She didn't want to think about that. She couldn't.

"Did Ash die because of me? Because of us?"

"Kaidan, please." She sucked in a shaky breath as she tried, and failed, to keep her eyes from watering.

"I need to know, Shepard."

God, why was he doing this to her? She swallowed hard around the lump in her throat and clenched her fist to resist the urge to start scratching her scar again. If she didn't get a hold of her emotions, this conversation could deteriorate very quickly.

"You asked me how do I do this, how do I keep going, and the truth is that I'm still trying to figure it out," she said, reaching for a bottle from her stash. "On Mindoir and Elysium, I took it personally and that mess on Asteroid X57 was the result. So, now… now I'm trying to not take it personally, because if Ash's death was on me and not on Saren, if she's dead because I love you and could never leave you to die down there... that's not something I can live with on my conscience."

He got up and started walking towards her, but she turned away from him, downing a large gulp straight from the bottle as she tried to blink away the tears in her eyes. He took the whisky from her, taking a sip himself before putting it away, and put his arms around her, his chest pressed to her back as he enveloped her with his larger frame.

"I'm sorry," he whispered and she couldn't help the strangled sob that escaped her.

"Ash's sacrifice was for the mission. It was not for us. Her blood is on Saren's hands."

"I know. You're right. I shouldn't have doubted you."

"No, you shouldn't have. Fuck, Kaidan." She pushed him away in a burst of anger and he winced, putting a hand on his injured side. If anything, that only made her angrier. "What the fuck was that about, activating the bomb and telling me to leave? You promised me you wouldn't pull another stunt like that after Therum."

"No, I didn't."

"You know what?" She shook her head and took a step towards him, getting in his face. "It doesn't matter. I'm the one in charge here. That means I make the calls. You don't have to make things easier on me, especially not by trying to make choices for me. I wouldn't have come this far if I couldn't handle it."

"Shepard, that's not what... I didn't mean –"

"And, you don't get to sacrifice yourself for me either, because you, us, our plans to have a life together... that's what keeps me going." She drew a ragged breath, her expression turning more hurt than angry as she slid down the wall to slump on the floor, pressing the heels of her hands to her eyes. "Fuck. I've lost too much already, Kaidan. Please, don't make me go out there without having something to come back to."

She was feeling like she was on the verge of having a breakdown, so she buried her face in her arms, folded on top of her knees. If she met Kaidan's gaze, whatever she might find in his eyes could be more than she could handle right now, and she couldn't afford to fall apart when they were so close to catching Saren and Sovereign.

To her surprise, Kaidan just sat there by her side, close enough for her to feel the warmth of his body and the hum of his biotics. A corona of dark energy formed around him, placid and cool. Not a barrier, just a natural, unrestrained flow of his power. All him. No amp. It felt rather comforting for her, soothing even, and she relaxed her own control, letting her biotics emerge to mingle with his. If he was doing this to calm her, it was working.

"I really am sorry, Shepard."

"No, you're not." She raised her head to lean on the wall. "You're a hell of a soldier, Kaidan, but you're too damn opinionated for a subordinate."

There was no heat in her words. She was just stating a fact.

"I don't make a habit of complicating the chain of command, but serving under the woman I love... I had no idea what that was going to be like."

He often said that he loved her but, for her, it felt special every single time, and she finally met his eyes again, even if she was still upset over what had happened on Virmire.

"It's not easy," he continued. "We throw ourselves into life-or-death situations every day. This is the most important mission I've ever been a part of, and the hardest. We've already lost four people and, when I think about losing you... I can't stand it."

"So you know how I felt when you activated the bomb and told me to leave, right?"

"I… yeah, I guess I do."

After a long moment of silence, he offered her a hand and pulled her with him as he got up. "I should let you get some sleep."

"Stay," she said with a breathy whisper. Barely audible, but he was close enough to hear her.

"Shepard..."

"Bunk here tonight. Please."

"Hey, you don't have to..." He sighed. She didn't have to plead. Not for this. Not ever for this. He would never deny her comfort when she needed it. "I'll stay."

* * *

_THE TIME OF OUR RETURN IS COMING._

"Shepard."

_OUR NUMBERS WILL DARKEN THE SKY OF EVERY WORLD._

"Shepard, wake up."

_YOU CANNOT ESCAPE YOUR DOOM._

"Shepard!"

Lisa woke up with a start, her heart racing in her chest, her skin breaking out in cold sweat, and her implants buzzing. Kaidan was hovering over her, eyes filled with concern.

"Are you okay?"

"I... I'm fine."

"Can I get you anything? Maybe water or –"

"No. I'm fine. Thank you. I'm fine."

"The more you say it, the less true it sounds, you know?"

She gave him one of those small smiles that he knew better than to believe they conveyed her true feelings and he held her, stopping her as she was getting off the bed.

"Hey, where are you going?"

"I don't think I'll be able to fall asleep again right now and I don't want to get in your way. You need to rest."

"I'd prefer if you stayed and we talked about this."

"It was just a nightmare."

"It seemed pretty bad. And, not like the others."

"What do you mean?"

"It wasn't about Mindoir, was it?"

"No..." That answer wouldn't be good enough for him, so she settled back in the bed, taking a moment to gather her thoughts before she continued. "It had more to do with the beacons and the fate of the Protheans."

" _Beacons_?"

"Yeah. There was a second one, in Saren's lab."

"Shepard…"

"I had no option. I needed to know what Saren knew."

"And then, you and Liara…?"

"Yeah," she sighed. "We joined minds before my meeting with the Council."

"That's how you found out about Ilos."

It wasn't a question, but she still nodded in reply.

Kaidan pulled her closer and she snuggled against his chest, her head resting on his shoulder and their legs entwined.

"You know," he said, softly running his fingers up and down her arm, trying to comfort her, "I still feel bad for breaking the Geneva. You told me that it helped you with the nightmares, and I guess this," he jerked his head towards the toy Destiny Ascension on her nightstand, "is not the same, is it?"

"It was the memories that helped. Looking at that ship always took me back to that weekend we spent together at your apartment in Vancouver. It was a good thing to fall asleep to. But, I have you here now and that's much better." She pressed herself even tighter into him, hoping he wouldn't feel bad anymore for something that had happened a decade ago and that she didn't hold against him at all.

"I would've gotten you an Alliance ship, but they didn't have any to sell anywhere in the Citadel. Only asari, turian, and salarian ships. Kinda prejudiced if you think about it."

"We pull this off and they might have a Normandy model ship to sell next time we visit."

"We pull this off and we might just get drummed out of the service instead of getting the firing squad for mutiny."

Shepard scowled to hear that, but as grim as it sounded, it was the truth and she knew it. "If the greatest casualties are our careers, we'll be damn lucky."

"Yeah. Fifty thousands years to figure this out and it's down to twenty-five mutineers. Way to go, Team Milky Way."

"It's only our first time saving the galaxy. We'll be better prepared next time."

They both chuckled, but it died quickly. There was a sense of finality in the air and it wasn't helping with their mood.

"Shepard, if things don't go well –"

She didn't let him finish that thought, rolling on top of him and cutting him off with a kiss. There really was a chance this could be their last night together, and she'd rather try to make it count than talk about the impossible odds they were up against.


	48. Silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry to leave you waiting this long for an update. I moved to a new place and it was a lot of work getting everything installed and organized. It didn't help that I was without wi-fi for a week, too. But, the updates should come back to a more regular pace now, assuming I can still English. ;)
> 
> The lovely maryread (auditoreos on tumblr) made a fantastic playlist for this fic on 8tracks. If you have some time, check it out. Just look for maryread and you should find this and more of her playlists.

June 28th, 2183

There had been a lot of discussion about whether this ceremony should be held on Mindoir, where she had spent her childhood; or in Vancouver, her second home; or on Arcturus Station, where she had trained and then helped defend it from Cerberus; or on Elysium, where she had become a hero for humanity; or in Rio, where she had become an N-operative and lived for the past seven years; or, finally, on the Citadel, where she had become a hero for the galaxy.

For her friends and loved ones, who had needed to say goodbye and have some closure, the wait had been hard to bear.

In the end, the Council and the Alliance had reached a compromise: they would have a human ceremony, fully coordinated by the Alliance, but held on the Citadel.

Kaidan was relieved that Anderson had offered to take care of it, because he didn't think he could do it. He still hadn't fully accepted what had happened.

 _May 6th_ – _Ilos_

_"I'm not in your shore party?"_

_"You were shot, Kaidan. Only three days ago."_

_"I'm fine. You have to take me with you."_

_"I don't_ have to _do anything, lieutenant."_

_He did not care about her pulling rank on him. "Shepard, don't leave me behind. Please."_

_"You could've died on Virmire. I had to carry your limp body back to the ship. Your blood was all over me. Do you have any idea what it did to me seeing you like that?" She took a deep breath as if even remembering it made her feel nervous. "You're all I have, and I'm not bringing you groundside when you're still recovering from a wound. This is not a game to me. Remember what we talked about last night? If I lose you, I lose everything. Do you understand?"_

_More like_ accepted _it. He wasn't completely happy about it, but he gave up arguing. "Yes, ma'am."_

_She grabbed him by the collar and pulled him into a secluded alcove past the Mako, kissing him hard on the lips. "I love you."_

_He relaxed a little; still upset, but not angry at her anymore. "I love you, too."_

_"I'm leaving you in charge. Already talked to Pressly."_

_He nodded. "Be careful, Lisa. I can't lose you either."_

_"I'll be back soon." She kissed him again and then took a step back to salute him formally. "Acting-Captain Alenko."_

_He mirrored her gesture, proud of the trust she'd placed in him. "I'll get her back to you in one piece, commander."_

_They were about to try a very risky Mako drop, and Kaidan went straight to the helm to monitor it. Garrus and Pressly joined him there to render assistance and, for the next four hours, they remained in the cockpit, listening to the radio chatter from the ground team and monitoring the feed from their suits._

_The conversation with Vigil — a Prothean VI Shepard had found in a bunker on Ilos — and the information it had about the Prothean war against the Reapers and the true purpose of the Citadel was shocking to say the least._

_Even more shocking was Shepard's announcement that she was going to hit a relay on the Mako — the Conduit was actually a small scale mass relay that connected directly to the Citadel, bypassing its defenses and security checks._

" _Are you sure about this?" Kaidan asked her on the comm._

" _No, but we have to try."_

_He nodded even though she couldn't see him. "Take care, commander. We'll meet you on the other side." After disconnecting, he took a deep breath, trying not to think about the millions of ways her plan could go wrong. "Joker, head back to the Citadel. We need to get there as fast as possible. Shepard will want the Normandy at the head of the fleet."_

" _Aye aye, sir."_

_May 7th – Citadel_

_They got to the Citadel to find Sovereign and its geth fleet already engaged in full blown combat with the Council forces and the Alliance._

_Kaidan ordered Joker to get the Normandy in formation with the Fifth Fleet as they advanced on the enemy ships and, at the same time, he started trying to reach Shepard on the comm. During their eight-hour trip from Ilos back to the Widow System, they hadn't been able to contact the ground team once and they hadn't even been able to access the feed from their suits with their positions and vital signs._

_When a communication channel was finally opened, somehow bypassing the geth jamming signals, Kaidan felt his heart skip a beat._

" _Normandy to the Citadel. Normandy to the Citadel. Please, tell me that's you, commander."_

" _It's me, Joker."_

_In the helm, the men sighed in relief to hear her. Vigil's data file had worked; Shepard had control of the Citadel. Kaidan checked the readings from her suit on his tool and the information was finally updated; she was well except for the signs of strain and exhaustion that were more than expected considering that her deployment on Ilos had happened almost fourteen hours ago._

_There was no time for catching up now, though. The Destiny Ascension was under heavy fire and requesting assistance. As the CO of the Fifth Fleet and ranking officer in the battle, Admiral Hackett ordered his ships to move in and save the Ascension._

_Kaidan kept the comm channel with the Normandy's ground party open, and heard as Wrex, Liara, and Tali voiced their concerns that those ships might be needed to take down Sovereign._

" _The Alliance must have enough ships here that sending the Fifth Fleet to assist the Ascension won't jeopardize the mission. Hackett wouldn't give the order otherwise," the commander said, using the Citadel controls to keep the relays open for the human fleet._

_Kaidan agreed with her. She might have led a mutiny just yesterday, but it was clear that, despite breaking a million regs, she was still first and foremost an Alliance marine._

That was just one of the many reasons why it was fitting that the Alliance presided over this ceremony to honor her memory.

* * *

Wrex snorted as Councilor Valern went up to the podium to give his speech.

Shepard was a warrior like few others and deserved a true krogan send off, not this parade of mushy politicians who had never held a gun, pretending they had known her well and that they hadn't disagreed with her every step of the way.

Not that Wrex hadn't had his share of disagreements with her, but it had been different between them.

_Wrex sprung out of cover to fire his shotgun after his biotic attacks proved to be ineffective. "If you'd have let me take his head, this wouldn't have happened."_

_Shepard just huffed a curse in response. Saren had somehow come back to life as a half synthetic creature, mutated by Reaper technology, and he was giving them a lot of trouble. In his husk form, the turian had developed annoying new tech abilities. He'd overheated Wrex's shotgun so many times that the krogan had given up shooting and started charging him, trying to hit him in the head with his useless overheated weapon. But, husk Saren was faster, much faster than Wrex, and agile like a geth hopper. As he dodged the krogan, he took Tali out of the fight with a carnage aimed straight to her head. It cracked her face plate and Shepard ordered Liara to cover the quarian while Tali tried to fix it with omni-gel. She could die if her face plate fell apart, and the only thing Shepard could do to help her at the moment was to try to get Saren's attention and make him focus his attacks on her instead of Tali._

_Wrex might have lost his cool during that long, annoying fight, but not Shepard. She had kept her head in the game and she had brought Saren down. Her talent for identifying and exploiting an enemy's weak spots, her ability to come up with a new strategy in the blink of an eye, and her leadership skills made her the best battlemaster Wrex had encountered so far._

He had never told her that, of course. Warriors gained nothing with compliments. Head butts were more useful. Not that he had ever actually headbutted Shepard. But, they had had a good run and, secretly, he wished he had asked her to come with him when he had left the Normandy to find his own battles. She might be alive today if she had said yes, and if she had said no, at least he wouldn't be regretting not having asked. Wrex had never expected this to happen, but he missed this human.

* * *

Kaidan couldn't help noticing how all three alien Council members hadn't said a word about the Reapers in their speeches. They had spoken of Shepard's fight against Saren and the geth. Nothing else.

An election to decide who was going to fill the seat humanity had been granted on the Council would be held in a few days. Shepard had suggested Anderson run for it, but he hadn't taken it seriously, and she hadn't mentioned it again.

Udina was probably going to win; he was ahead in the polls. The other candidate was Claude Menneau's daughter, Sabine. Kaidan wasn't even going to bother voting. He was still trying to figure out how to go on, how to deal with this mundane stuff and the day-to-day life without her.

" _Normandy to shore party. I repeat, Normandy to shore party." Joker shook his head at Kaidan. There was no response._

_While the fleet celebrated the victory over Sovereign and the geth, the Normandy had been trying nonstop to contact the ground team. Seeing gigantic Reaper parts crashing against the Citadel Tower made them fear the worst. Kaidan was constantly checking the readings from Shepard's suit and he did not like what he was seeing — she was injured, her medi-gel reserves were depleted, and her low respiratory and heart rate were indicative that she might be losing consciousness._

" _Joker, bring the Normandy to dock. Garrus, come with me. Let's go find them." Over the intercom, Kaidan also enlisted the help of his marine detail and Dr. Chakwas. They all met at the airlock while waiting for the Citadel Space Traffic Control to give the Normandy clearance to dock._

_The station was a mess of panicking civilians, busy C-Sec officers, and prying reporters. When they arrived at the Tower, Kaidan and his party encountered more destruction than anywhere else they had passed by, with enormous Reaper parts blocking access to several areas._

_Captain Anderson was already there, leading the search effort, with marines, medical professionals, and volunteers._

" _Sir," Kaidan saluted him._

" _Lieutenant, it's good to see you. Do you have their locations?"_

_Considering Anderson's friendly tone and how promptly Hackett had accepted the Normandy back into the Fifth Fleet a few hours earlier, it appeared the brass was willing to overlook their mutiny and theft of a prototype warship._

" _Yes, sir."_

" _Good. Lead the way."_

__Kaidan wasn't losing her. Not today. He would find her. _  
___

* * *

Like any Alliance marine that lived long enough these days, Anderson no longer stopped to wonder if it was fair whenever a soldier died too young. Whenever a friend got killed, he didn't dwell in denial and pointless wishes for different outcomes. Whenever one of the good ones was lost, he didn't agonize over thoughts that they might be irreplaceable. Cemeteries were full of great admirals, honorable politicians, inspiring heroes. With or without them, the galaxy kept going. Life kept going. None of them had actually been irreplaceable.

This time, however, he was feeling like a newbie who had lost his commanding officer mid-mission and knew he had to carry on, but had no idea how. This thought hadn't crossed his mind in ages, but what if they had indeed lost someone irreplaceable this time?

The Council was already denying Sovereign was a Reaper. Without Shepard, would the galaxy really keep going? Would life?

_The first ones they found were Tali and Liara. The asari had created a barrier large enough to protect them both from the collapse and, other than Tali's faceplate being smudged with omni-gel which was impairing her vision, they seemed fine._

_Liara even joined the search and rescue effort, helping Kaidan to biotically move the larger debris out of the way._

_They found Wrex next, crawling out from underneath a pile of rubble. The krogan was limping, but refused any assistance, already calling out for Shepard as he headed towards the most wrecked part of the tower._

_Anderson was not surprised that Shepard had gotten her whole crew on board with the idea of committing mutiny and stealing the Normandy. He was not surprised that she had gotten the job done despite the odds being against her. He was surprised, though, that she had gained the loyalty of all these aliens, since dealing with other species had never been her strong suit. It seemed this tour had taught her a lesson in tolerance._

_She did not look well when they finally freed her from underneath the Reaper debris. Her right arm had gotten stuck and it was broken and bloodied. There was another bleeding wound on her leg and her face was all scrunched up in pain._

_Dr. Chakwas suggested they take her to the Normandy medbay, and Anderson agreed; the hospitals on the Citadel were probably too busy already with the wounded from the geth invasion._

_The captain waited in the mess with the rest of the crew while Alenko and the doctor tended to the commander._

_The small crowd only dispersed after Chakwas came outside to let them know Shepard was going to be fine. Apart from the arm — broken in two places — all her other injuries had been superficial._

_"Can I see her?" Anderson asked, and Chakwas acquiesced._

_Two steps into the medbay and the captain turned around and left. Shepard and Alenko had been kissing. On the mouth. Passionately. Anderson could've called them on that blatant disregard for Alliance regulations, but decided not to. They had seemed so taken with each other; their nervous kiss, the way they had been clinging to each other... Anderson knew this feeling — after close calls, when all you wanted was to be with the one you loved and celebrate the fact that you had made it out alive. He and Kahlee had had their share of moments like this, but they had let other things get in the way of their happiness, always postponing the beginning of their life together. Anderson was happy to overlook Shepard's transgression now and let her have a shot at love and having a personal life. She had just saved the galaxy; she deserved it._

* * *

Tali's request to say a few words was unexpected, but welcome; a nice change of pace from all the politicians that hadn't really known the commander, but had insisted on speaking anyway.

Shepard hadn't been one to make friends easily and she had lost way too many of the few she had made. In her last tour, however, she had had better luck in that area. Kaidan found some comfort in the fact that all her friends, old and new, were here today. All but one.

 _May 12th_ – _Sirona_

_The Williams family was having memorial service for Ashley on the colony world where she had been born and where they still lived. Most of the Normandy crew was in attendance._

_But for her arm still on a sling, Shepard was healed from the wounds she had sustained in the fight against Saren. In her dress blues, she went up to the podium to give the eulogy she had prepared. "I'm Commander Jane Shepard; Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams' CO. But today I'm here as Ash's friend, Skipper. I tried to be just her CO, but she wouldn't have it. She missed her sisters and she treated me as if I were one of them — one of hers. Everyone on the Normandy called her Ash, not because she asked us to, but because she treated everyone with such openness and honesty; familiarity came easily with her. Before her, we were just a crew. She made us a family."_

_Shepard's eulogy continued for a few more minutes. It was true and heartfelt. She spoke of Ash's dedication and loyalty to both her friends and to the military, and then stepped away to let Sarah Williams speak. As she came back to sit by his side, Kaidan took the commander's hand in his, meaning to just give it a light squeeze to show his appreciation for her speech, but she laced her fingers with his and didn't let go until it was time to fold up the Systems Alliance flag and present it to Ashley's mother._

That had been a hard week. Williams' memorial hadn't been the only one they had had to attend.

 _May 14th_ – _Arcturus Space Station_

" _Shepard, what are you doing?!"_

" _Coping."_

_Kaidan knew that grieving in a healthy way wasn't exactly her style, but since he had never experienced loss on the level that she had, he had decided to not interfere with her grieving process. That changed, though, the minute he walked in on her barefoot, in dress pants and a sports bra, shooting the model Destiny Ascension while reciting the names of the Fifth Fleet ships that had been destroyed in the push to save the Council during the Battle of the Citadel._

_Earlier that day, they had attended the collective memorial service for Ming, Torres, and the nearly six hundred Alliance soldiers that had perished in the battle. After the ceremony, Shepard was supposed to be settling in at Kaidan's apartment in the officers' quarters while he was out getting groceries. Instead, the personal effects she had retrieved from her cabin on the Normandy were still packed; the exception being the model ship, now in pieces from being used for target practice._

_He held out his hand to her and was relieved when she passed him the pistol without any objections. At least she had bothered to use a silencer. As he put the gun away, she slumped on the bed with a heavy sigh. If there was a bright side to this, it was that she seemed as comfortable in his apartment as if she were in her own._

_Kaidan joined her in bed, minding her injured arm as he pulled her into his embrace. "What's this?" he asked, lightly putting his finger on a bandage on her side._

_"New tattoo." She sounded much calmer now, if a bit tired._

_"Really? When did you get it?"_

" _Right after the memorial service. Apparently, if you save the galaxy, you don't need to make an appointment."_

" _Already reaping the benefits, huh?" He chuckled. "Can I see it?"_

_"It's just a poem."_

_"I didn't know you liked poetry."_

_"I'm not sure if I do. I haven't read many."_

_"You liked this one enough to get it tattooed. At least tell me what it is if you don't want to show me."_

_"It's..." she swallowed hard, her gaze becoming unfocused, "Tennyson."_

_She didn't need to say more. He should've figured that out without having to ask. Everyone remembered seeing Ash around and about with that book. Kaidan was sure he could even guess which poem it was._

_He tightened his arms around Shepard, and she sagged against his chest, sucking in a ragged breath. Even if it was in her own messed up ways, Shepard was honestly trying to find alternative coping mechanisms that worked for her._

_At the same time that Kaidan was upset over all the friends they had lost, he was also content for Shepard and himself. This tour, as hard as it had been, had made them grow a lot and had brought them much closer. He had no doubt that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. When the time was right, he was going to ask her to marry him._

* * *

Emily Wong had never refused a job. She had covered everything about Shepard's career so far. Hell, she had even covered the Normandy crash and the rescue of the surviving crew.

That changed today as she told her boss that she couldn't attend this ceremony as a reporter. She needed a break to say goodbye to her best and oldest friend.

_May 17th – Citadel_

" _Is there anything else you'd like to add, commander?"_

" _The threat to the galaxy did not end with Sovereign. It started. Humanity is part of the galactic community now and we must stand together with the other species and prepare for what is coming."_

" _Powerful words, commander. Thank you." Emily Wong turned to face her flying cam and addressed her viewers one final time before ending the broadcast._

_The Council had just awarded the Fifth Fleet with the Palladium Star, and the Taralos Amphitheater in the Kithoi Ward was packed with reporters._

" _Are you giving any other interviews today?" Emily asked Shepard, now off the record._

" _You know I only give interviews to you, Emz."_

" _And to Al-Jilani."_

" _She ambushed me. If I just blew her off, I'd look like a complete asshole."_

" _Yeah, I guess. You nailed that interview by the way. But, try not to make a habit out of it. Thanks to our exclusivity deal, every network here is after me. My boss even doubled my salary because she was afraid that she might lose me to the competition."_

" _Hey, don't worry. It's not like I enjoy being on camera anyway."_

" _So, anything else you have to do here or..."_

_Shepard spared a glance at the ambassadors, politicians, and members of the Alliance brass, some already coming her way with photographers after noticing she wasn't busy anymore. "Nope. Let's get out of here."_

" _What about Kaidan?"_

" _I believe he's… busy. I'll text him our location; he can meet us later," the commander said, smirking as she slipped outside the amphitheater, already hailing a cab._

_Before following her friend outside, Emily saw the dignitaries and reporters flocking to the sentinel after having lost sight of Shepard. Shaking her head, Wong walked out and got into the cab the commander had gotten them._

They had gone to a bar on the Silversun Strip that night. As if he had known that that would be the last time Emily and Shepard would get to spend time together before the commander's death, Kaidan hadn't shown up to join them. He had just replied to Shepard's text saying that he would go back to the hotel and that she should have a girl's night with Emily.

While at first Wong had been angry that she hadn't spent as much time as she would've liked with her best friend, she now felt grateful for the time they had had together. Everyone knew Commander Shepard — the Hero of the Citadel; few could say they had known the woman. Emily was proud to have been one of those few.

* * *

Barbra watched her son as he walked over to the podium. She had cried for Jane, but today her tears were for Kaidan. She could only imagine how hard it was for him to attend this memorial and keep his voice steady as he talked about the loss of his CO, pretending it was not for the love of his life that he was grieving.

They had seemed so happy when they had visited Vancouver last month, announcing they would be moving in together, making plans for the future, and standing up for themselves and their relationship when Rylan tried to berate them for not following the rules.

 _May 19th_ – _Vancouver_

" _Why not stay at the house in Rio?"_

_Smiling, Rylan shook his head at his wife. "Your Ma is only saying that because it would be easier for her to visit you in Rio than on Arcturus."_

_She waved him off. "Of course not. I mean, yes, Rio is closer. But, living in a house near the coast is much better than living on a space station. Just imagine when you have ki–"_

" _One thing at a time, Ma," Kaidan interrupted at the sight of Shepard's quickly widening eyes._

" _She was going to say pets, right, Barb? Kaidan always wanted a dog." Rylan laughed and winked at them._

" _We're planning to keep the apartment on Arcturus just while we're serving on the Normandy. Then, we'll move to Shepard's house in Rio," Kaidan explained._

" _Wait." Rylan suddenly looked a lot more serious. "You'll still be serving together?"_

_The sentinel rubbed the back of his neck, and exchanged a glance with Shepard. "We've completed this mission, but the tour is not over yet."_

" _So, you'll be breaking the rules until the tour ends? Do you think that's a good idea?"_

_The marines tensed up at Rylan's tone and Barbra put a hand on his shoulder, silently asking him to let it go._

" _Commander Alenko, you must know that serving aboard the Normandy is one of the most prestigious postings the Alliance has today. Kaidan was personally chosen by Captain Anderson for this position and I'm not taking it away from him. He's not only the head of my marine detail, but also my right hand man. If anything happens to me, the Normandy will be his. I need him on the ship."_

" _Nothing will happen to you, Shepard," Kaidan told her and then turned to his father. "We've dedicated our lives to the Alliance. Our careers have always come first. That's why we'll both remain on the Normandy. We fight better together."_

_Shepard nodded in agreement. "We are a team. A great team, to be honest. We're used to going into combat together and we rely on each other. We've discussed this already and decided that it would be for the best if we continued serving on the Normandy."_

_Barbra was proud to see them defending each other and their relationship like this. She had no doubt that they could keep their personal lives separate from their jobs. And, she felt better knowing they were together out there, watching each other's backs._

It hadn't been enough, though. Things had fallen apart for them in the most heartbreaking way possible. Barbra was thankful that Kaidan had gotten out alive, but she doubted he would ever be the same again. His eyes had lost their sparkle, always ridden with guilt now, and he wasn't taking care of himself like he used to. At least he had cut his hair, shaved, and put on a clean uniform for the ceremony today. It was a start, although the dark circles around his eyes, the way his uniform seemed a bit loose, his empty gaze, and his tired voice were a dead giveaway that he was far from being fine.

* * *

Kaidan Alenko had never given a speech before. In another time, being put in this position would've gotten him all worried, writing and rewriting his words, and practicing for hours in front of a mirror. He would've felt nervous and embarrassed and would've probably given a stiff presentation. But this was not another time.

This was the most important speech he would ever give and it would be flawless. He would honor Shepard the way she deserved, and nervousness, embarrassment, and stiffness were not that way. So, he'd begun to prepare for it ten days in advance, and had started by getting out of his apartment; he couldn't give a speech from his bedroom, where he had been holed up for most of the time. He also started seeing the grief counselor Anderson had recommend to him; he couldn't honor Shepard if he couldn't talk about her without getting angry or emotional. He started shaving again, drinking less, and eating better; it would be an insult to her legacy if he showed up at her memorial looking like anything less than a model marine.

He did not, though, feel the need to practice in front of a mirror. And, when he went up to the podium, he did not feel nervous or embarrassed. It came as no surprise to him that talking about the greatness of Shepard was easy as hell.

"Lieutenant Commander Jane Shepard gave everything for the galaxy — a galaxy that wasn't always kind to her, as her scars would attest to," Kaidan started. He could do this. "But, she never wavered in her fight to make it a better place. All the violence she suffered, all the hardship that permeated her early life only made her fight harder to make the galaxy safer. Every night that we sleep soundly, every moment we spend with our loved ones, it is thanks to her. She saved Elysium, she saved Eden Prime, she saved Feros, Terra Nova, and the Citadel. She saved every single one of us here today."

Pausing, he took a deep breath. Talking about the great Commander Shepard was easy indeed, but keeping his mind from wandering to Lisa Mae — the woman he loved more than anything in the world — that was difficult as hell.

_May 21st – Rio de Janeiro_

" _So, what do you think?"_

" _Ma was right."_

" _About… ?"_

" _Here. This would be a great place to raise a family."_

" _Kaidan… "_

" _Marry me, Shepard."_

" _W-What?"_

_He went down on one knee in front of her, his hands holding hers. "Lisa Mae Shepard, will you marry me?"_

" _You're serious. You're doing this for real."_

_She was speaking mostly to herself and wasn't really asking anything, but he still answered her, a reassuring smile on his lips. "Yes, I'm serious. Marry me."_

_She dropped to her knees in front of him, crashing her mouth against his. "Yes." She kissed him again. "Yes." Pushing him to the floor on his back, she straddled him and then bent over him to connect their mouths a third time. "Hell, yeah, Kaidan Alenko. I will marry you," she whispered against his lips._

The Normandy crew had been given three weeks of leave while the ship had been docked on Arcturus for repairs, but with all Shepard and Kaidan had planned to do during their leave, coupled with the official appointments they had had to attend, there hadn't been enough time to shop for a ring. But at least, when the opportunity had presented itself, he hadn't wasted it, and had proposed to her.

Kaidan put his fingers lightly to his lips, hoping he would never forget how hers used to feel pressed against his, and took another deep breath. He would finish this speech. He could do this.

"Some may question what they would live for or what they would die for. For Commander Shepard, there was never any doubt. She lived for protecting others, and that was what she died for. We still don't know what attacked the Normandy. It was not a fair fight. Many were lost that day, and more would've been, if not for the commander. She put everyone else's safety ahead of hers."

Scanning the crowd with his eyes, Kaidan spotted Joker in the last row of chairs. The pilot had his face half-buried in his palms. He looked different, ragged and tired with his beard unkempt and wearing civilian clothes. That was not the man Shepard had given her life for.

The sentinel understood that there would have been no survivors if not for Joker's skills as a pilot. He had bought the crew time to escape but, at the same time, he had been too cocky to admit defeat and abandon the ship when the time had come.

Kaidan looked away and took a deep breath. He could do this.

"The Normandy was falling apart, but she wouldn't leave until she had gotten everyone she could into the escape pods. And she died rescuing the last crewmember still aboard the ship. Saving a life; that was the last thing she did. Although she took part in countless ground assignments that ended in direct confrontation with enemy forces, that was not what took her down in the end. She did not die in a shootout. She died giving her life to save another, and that says a lot about Shepard — the marine and the woman."

Kaidan did not blame the pilot for her death. How could he, when only minutes earlier he had safely escaped the ship, leaving Shepard behind? Given his history of insubordination under her command, it was a damn cruel irony that on the day that it could really have made a difference, he had chosen to be a good soldier and not to question her. If he had gone with her to get Joker, maybe he would've been able to get her in that damned escape pod. Or, maybe he would've died with her. Either way would've been better than surviving her and having to live with this guilt and grief that seemed to know no end and that were eating him alive.

_June 9th – Amada System_

" _Fuck!"_

" _Shepard? Shepard!"_

" _Kaidan…" Her breathing was labored and her voice wavered in an unusual way._

" _We saw that last blast. Did you get Joker?"_

" _Kaidan, I'm so sorry."_

" _Shepard, what do you mean? Where are you?"_

" _Joker is safe, but I couldn't get into the pod."_

_For an instant, while realization dawned on the lieutenant, it was like the whole galaxy had come to a halt. Everything sprang into motion again in the following second as he tried to come up with a plan to rescue her. "How much oxygen have you got?" he asked and opened his tool to check if the feed from her suit was still being updated._

" _Nine seconds. There's a leak."_

_Just like that, everything stopped again. He lowered his eyes to his tool and saw the numbers dropping._

_00:00:08_

" _Can you reach the leak? Seal it with omni-gel?" he asked, even though he already knew the answer. If she could have, she would've done it — and by any means that could keep her from running out of air long enough for them to rescue her._

_00:00:07_

" _Tried. Can't reach it."_

_00:00:06_

_He shouldn't have wasted one of her last breaths with that stupid question. How were the comms even working and the feed being updated in real time anyway? He couldn't tell if that was a blessing or a curse._

_00:00:05_

" _Shepard, please…" He didn't know what he was begging for. A miracle? To wake up and find out this was just a nightmare? His life ending with hers?_

_00:00:04_

" _Kaidan, it's okay. I'm going to see my family." She sounded so calm, as if she had already made her peace with what was going to happen. He couldn't accept it._

_00:00:03_

" _No. It's not okay. It's not." He couldn't help how his voice came out, all shaky and heavy with emotion._

_00:00:02_

" _I love you, Kaidan."_

_00:00:01_

" _I love you, Lisa."_

_Just like he couldn't take his eyes off that horrid countdown showing her running out of air, he also couldn't turn off the comm while she heaved, and gasped, and choked. He heard everything, with clenched fists and gritted teeth, trying to keep his biotics under control and not put the other marines in the pod at risk._

_He fell to his knees without even noticing as he clawed at the back of his own head until he had ripped his amp out of the jack. Despite his efforts, dark energy still erupted around him, making gravity shift inside the pod and warning lights flash on the control panel._

_There was one last strangled gasp on the comm and then all he heard was silence._

Kaidan took a deep breath. He had been wrong. He couldn't do this.


	49. Grief

"Thank you." Kaidan practically ran away from the podium as Anderson rushed over to continue with the ceremony as if it was all going according to plan and the sentinel's speech hadn't just met an abrupt end.

How did people move on from losing a loved one? For Kaidan, right now, that seemed impossible. He would be lying if he said that everything reminded him of her, because how could he be reminded of something that had never left his mind in the first place? Whatever he did, wherever he went, all he could think of was that she was not there with him. She was gone and that was fucking unfair.

He hadn't just lost her that day over Alchera. He was still losing her, every single day. The pain he had felt as he had heard her expire was there every night as he went to bed alone, and every morning as he woke up without her. Every breath he took he wished he could give it to her instead.

* * *

Shepard's death had hit her crew pretty hard. Jarrell could tell by how lost the turian looked, the weeping asari, and the ragged helmsman. He had no doubt, though, that her lieutenant was taking it harder than anyone else.

As he saw the distress that was etched on Kaidan's face when walking away from the podium, the N7 pondered if he should try talking to him. He exchanged a glance with Riley, who understood his intentions and nodded in encouragement.

"Alenko," Jarrell called, stopping the lieutenant before he could leave the premises. "I'm sorry for your loss."

"Our loss," Kaidan said in a small voice, eyes downcast. "I'm sorry, too."

"Yeah. It's hard to believe she's gone. When I heard..."

_June 9th - Rio_

_Jarrell was taking a shower at the house where he lived with Riley when she burst into the bathroom in full body armor. "Why won't you answer your tool?"_

_He raised one eyebrow at her. Wasn't it obvious? "Uh, I'm in the shower?"_

_Riley shook her head, unamused, and Jarell worried that there might be something wrong. He turned off the water and picked up his towel._

" _What's going on, Ri? Weren't you supposed to be scaring some recruits for Major Nascimento today?"_

" _It's the Normandy."_

" _What about it?"_

" _They were attacked. The ship was destroyed."_

" _W-What? When? What about Shepard?"_

" _She..." Riley grimaced, as if she didn't want to finish that sentence, and Jarell knew it could only mean bad news. "She was KIA. I'm sorry, Jay."_

Jarell inhaled a sharp breath, trying not to let that memory affect him, but he still felt a tightening in his chest and a lump forming in his throat. "If there's anything you need, if you want help cleaning the house in Rio..." he offered, his voice coming out a little on the rough side, and he put a hand on Kaidan's shoulder.

A look of both sadness and torment crossed the sentinel's eyes. He might not have thought of that yet, but the Alliance would soon pass Shepard's house at the Vila Militar to another officer and, if her belongings remained there, some random marine would be put in charge of boxing them up to send them to her next of kin. And, since she didn't have a next of kin, her things would either be donated to charity or end up in the nearest recycling bin. "I thought you might want to do that yourself, to make sure nothing gets broken or left behind. It's what most relatives do."

"Yeah. Sure," Kaidan said, still seeming a little disturbed by that thought. "Thank you. I'll do that."

Jarell went back to his seat by Riley's side thinking that, despite his good intentions, he might not have been of much help.

* * *

Anderson shot Kaidan a concerned glance. The lieutenant had arrived at the ceremony today looking much better than all other times the captain had seen him post the loss of his CO. But, now, Anderson realized it might all have been an act.

The captain hadn't told him yet, but Shepard had recommended Kaidan for a promotion to be granted as soon as their current tour of duty ended. With the destruction of the Normandy and the need to find new postings for the surviving crew, Anderson had pushed the request forward and the brass had already approved it. He had planned to give Alenko the good news and brief him on his next assignment today, but now he was thinking it might not be the best idea; the lieutenant sure could use a couple more weeks of rest and counseling before going off-world in charge of a team.

Shepard's death had caught everyone by surprise and Anderson himself was still struggling to accept it, so he didn't expect any less of someone as close to her as Alenko had been.

_June 9th - Arcturus Space Station_

" _Sir, we've just received several distress calls from the SSV Normandy and its crew. They were attacked by an unknown enemy force."_

_Anderson immediately stood up, leaving his meal unfinished in the cafeteria as he headed back to his office. "Get me Commander Shepard on the comm."_

" _Sir, the ship was destroyed."_

" _Destroyed?" That seemed impossible. Best ship in the fleet, top N7 operative in charge, best helmsman in the Alliance, handpicked crew..._

_"Yes, sir."_

_"What about the crew? Did they make it out?"_

" _Some of them, yes, sir."_

_"Thank God," Anderson breathed out in relief. "Then get me Shepard."_

_"Sir, Lieutenant Alenko is in charge. Commander Shepard and Navigator Pressly were KIA."_

Anderson hadn't believed the report at first. After all she had done, after defeating Saren and saving the galaxy, it didn't seem right that Shepard would have been killed during such a trivial geth hunting assignment. But the moment the captain had gotten in touch with Kaidan and had heard that empty, carefully emotionless tone to his voice, he had known it was true.

* * *

Barbra was about to go after Kaidan when she was surprised by Captain Anderson presenting her with a folded Systems Alliance flag in honor of Shepard's sacrifice.

"I… uh..." she hesitated, not knowing what to do or say. Since this ceremony wasn't exactly a funeral, she hadn't been expecting this. And, even if it were a funeral, she didn't think they would give her the flag.

"You should have this. You took her in, gave her a home. You're her family," Anderson said.

Retired Commander Rylan Alenko nodded solemnly while his wife accepted the flag. She tightened her fingers around it and closed her eyes, already filling with tears. "Thank you."

_June 9th - Vancouver_

" _Alenko?"_

" _Captain Anderson, it's been a long time," Rylan said, and saluted the man on the screen of his terminal._

" _Yes, it has. Is your wife there?"_

_Rylan tensed up at the captain's somber tone. A call from a high officer at an odd hour, asking for his wife to be present, too… this could only mean one thing. While in the service, he had made his share of calls like this one. "What happened to him? How? Tell me, Anderson. I deserve to know."_

" _Calm down, Alenko. There was an attack. We don't know all the details yet. The Normandy was destroyed, but your son is fine. I've talked to him; he's in charge of the survivors. We've just sent a team to retrieve them."_

" _Damn. Barbra!" Rylan called. "You need to come here. It's about –"_

" _Jane," she finished for him, coming over to sit by his side. She had been at the door from the moment she had heard Anderson's voice and the mention of the Normandy._

" _I..." the captain took a deep breath, "I believe it is my duty to inform you. I didn't want you to learn this from the news."_

" _Oh, God. No." Barbra was on the verge of tears and her husband held her hand tightly in his._

" _I'm sorry to inform you that Lieutenant Commander Jane Shepard has passed away in the fulfillment of her duties earlier today in the Amada System."_

_Rylan pulled Barbra into his arms, his own eyes stinging with the threat of tears as she sobbed into his chest. "Thank you, captain."_

Anderson had been very kind with them that day, telling them everything he knew about the destruction of the Normandy and the rescue effort, and answering all their questions. No doubt he cared deeply about Shepard, too. It brought Barbra some comfort knowing that the girl who had once lost everyone she had known and loved, had touched the lives of so many and gained the respect and admiration of an entire galaxy.

She hoped Shepard had died knowing that she did have a family and that they would miss her dearly.

* * *

July 10th, 2183

Kaidan came home from his meeting with Anderson and grabbed a bottle of whisky before slumping on the couch. Despite having once criticized Shepard for buying it in bulk, he had been doing the same, always hoping that maybe it would be at the bottom of the next bottle that he would find some peace of mind.

He had tried to keep it together and be a model soldier at the ceremony in her memory, only to find out later that he couldn't. Not yet. Everything about her death made him feel guilty and angry at himself.

Being promoted to Lieutenant Commander made things even worse. A month ago, Kaidan had left his CO and fiancée behind to die. How could that have earned him a promotion? It didn't sit well with him.

He was not on the same level as Shepard, therefore not worthy of the same rank as her. Proof of that was that she had come back for him on Virmire, while he had left her to die on the Normandy. Whatever she had seen in him when she had chosen him as her successor — giving him command of her ship during the final assault against Saren, and telling Anderson the Normandy should be his if anything happened to her — she had been mistaken.

Why would she even think that he would want to captain her ship after her death? How cruel was that?

Oh, and he was rich now. Shepard had left him every damn thing she had. Between the apartment on Intai'sei, a life insurance policy that had him as the sole beneficiary, and a savings account with years worth of Alliance paychecks, he had become a fucking millionaire. He had left her to die and he kept being rewarded for it; it wasn't right.

He didn't want the apartment, the money, or the promotion; he wanted her. Alive.

The life insurance was what annoyed him the most. The date on the policy indicated Shepard had gotten it after her promise on New Year's Eve that they would be together once the first Normandy tour ended. She must have already figured out the mission wouldn't be just some simple shakedown run, which made this life insurance look like some sort of 'consolation prize' for him in case she didn't make it in the end.

Kaidan was not keeping that money. With the apartment on Intai'sei and her lifetime savings, he still didn't know what he was going to do, but the insurance money was going to be donated to the rebuilding effort on Eden Prime.

He had already contacted the people in charge and they were so grateful that they said they were going name a school after her.

The sentinel furrowed his brows. She might not like that.

_April 18th_

" _So, what are you all going to do for shore leave?" Ash asked her fellow marines during one of their work out sessions on the Normandy._

" _I'm not sure. I heard Ilyria is nice," Adams said._

_Williams looked at Shepard, waiting to see if she was going to say anything. When she didn't, Williams asked, "You've ever gone back there, Skipper?"_

" _A couple of times. Official business only."_

" _How about we go for some well-deserved vacation this time?"_

" _Thanks, but… I'd rather not."_

" _Too many memories?"_

" _No, it's not that. I mean, it's that, too, I guess, but I feel weird there. Did you know they have a Jane Shepard spaceport? And, a Jane Shepard road. A Jane Shepard bridge. Jane Shepard elementary school. Jane Shepard square. It makes me uncomfortable. They couldn't at least wait for me to die before starting to name stuff after me?"_

" _Well, in their defense, Skipper, it doesn't look like you're going down any time soon. I mean, you're Commander Shepard. You, alone, stopped a full-scale pirate takeover on their city."_

_Shepard let out a resigned sigh. "I was not alone."_

" _We all need heroes."_

Ashley had been right about that. Humanity needed its heroes and Shepard had been the best of them. The people on Eden Prime, Elysium, or anywhere else, had every right to name every damn thing they wanted after her. She deserved it, and it wasn't like she was going to complain about it anymore.

She wasn't going to do anything anymore. She was fucking dead.

His grief counselor would probably be delighted to find out that he had finally moved on to the anger stage of his painstaking, life-consuming grieving process.

His tool started ringing, reminding him of the life that kept going outside the walls of his apartment. Kaidan couldn't even pretend to care. He took a long swig from his bottle of whisky before answering it. And, what a fucking coincidence: it was the grief counselor Anderson had recommended to him and she wanted to confirm their next appointment.

Sure, he would attend. The fact that his promotion had come with a desk job, and not a ship and a team, was proof that the brass was thinking he was not fit to be in the field. Since he was an L2 biotic, it wouldn't take much more for that to evolve into a discharge from service due to mental instability.

He needed to pull himself together, but it just didn't seem feasible. There was so much anger in him right now. Everything about Shepard's death made him feel angry these days. For starters, he absolutely hated how their last day together had gone.

_June 9th_

_He thought he was having a wet dream about her when he woke up to find her trailing kisses down his chest as she stroked him into hardness. She took him in her hot wet mouth and he groaned, all sleep instantly gone from him. His fingers threaded through her hair as he looked down, watching entranced at how her cheeks hollowed as she sucked him, her pouty lips stretched around his cock. Her small hand wrapped around the base of his erection, moving up and down in time with her mouth, her tongue swirling around him._

" _Shepard…" He always warned her when he was about to come, whispering her name, tugging gently at her hair in half-hearted attempts to draw her up. Sometimes, she would come up and he would sink himself in the inviting heat between her legs. Sometimes, she would just ignore him and keep sucking and pumping him until he finished in her mouth._

_This time she did not come up. Afterwards, she let him pull her up and kiss her, her lips still tasting like him. It took him a few moments to recover his breath and will his body to move, so he could pleasure her, too. But, she stopped him before he could even start. "Seven minutes until our shifts start, lieutenant. Guess you owe me one, and I expect you here at 1800 to arrange a settlement." She winked, her signature crooked smile on her face._

_Yeah, he would be there, no doubt about that. "Aye aye, commander," he played along._

_What he really wanted was to stay in bed with her, making her writhe underneath him, her teeth marking his skin as she muffled her cries and moans on his shoulder._

_It was a damn shame that they couldn't. His sleeper pod hadn't been used once since they had returned to the ship after shore leave. By now, the whole crew knew about their fraternization, even if their engagement was still a secret. So, the least they could do was to not break any more regs. Starting their shift late just so they could stay in bed longer was out of question._

_His consolation was that, at 1800, they would be together again and he would make it up to her._

If only he had known those would be the last moments they would have together, he never would have let her leave that room.

There was a lot more he would've done differently, to be honest. And, it might seem selfish, but he caught himself wishing he hadn't returned her name necklace.

_May 28th_

_For their last week of leave, Shepard decided to go to Pinnacle Station. Kaidan was not surprised that she would consider the two of them taking up a bet in a high-stakes battle simulator at a top-secret Alliance facility a nice way for them to celebrate their engagement._

_Hell, they hadn't been in a combat situation for almost a month now, and since they would be back in the field with the Normandy in a few days, maybe going to Pinnacle Station wasn't that bad of an idea after all._

_Shepard and Kaidan had always fought well together. They were used to it. And, they cleared all the scenarios with ease. When Admiral Ahern raised the stakes, they did not back down, and Shepard got out of it with a new apartment. Of course they went straight to it after leaving the station. They wanted both to 'christen' it and to get some well-deserved rest in a real bed._

_The place was much nicer than they expected, considering its remote location and Ahern's willingness to simply give it away in some stupid bet. After a quick inspection of all the rooms, they were undressing to jump in the shower together, when Shepard's name necklace fell out of Kaidan's pocket._

_She picked it up before he could. "Still carrying it around, huh?"_

" _Always. I made a promise to keep it safe."_

_Smiling, she kissed him lovingly on the lips. "You know, I think I'm ready to have it back."_

" _Yeah?"_

_For a moment, she was lost in her own thoughts, tracing the letters of her name with her thumb. "Yeah. I can't marry you using a fake name. It wouldn't be right."_

_Kaidan grinned, feeling himself very lucky for getting to spend the rest of his life with her. Taking the necklace from her, he kissed her slow and sweet as he clasped it around her neck._

* * *

July 18th, 2183

"What do you think, man? Are you ready?"

"No. But it has to be done." Kaidan took a deep breath and got out of the car. Jarell had picked him up at the spaceport in Rio and now they were parked in front of Shepard's house at the Vila Militar.

The N7 nodded in agreement. "Are you sure you don't want any help?"

"I'm sure. Thank you."

"Give me a call if you need anything."

After Jarell left, Kaidan just stood there at the door for a long moment, trying to find the strength to go inside and do what needed to be done. In a week, this house would be given to another officer and it had to be cleared of Shepard's personal effects. The house where they were supposed to live once they got married. Where they would raise a family and live until they retired from the Alliance. Where he had asked her to be his wife and she had said yes.

They did not deserve to have their happy ending ripped away from them like that.

As he went inside, Kaidan took the datapad by the door with the house inventory. Any objects not on the list were Shepard's and had to be removed. He started with the kitchen. A french press and a mug turned out to be the only items in there that belonged to her. And the mug had the Alliance symbol on it. She had bought a fucking Alliance mug as if everything else in the house having an Alliance stamp on them hadn't been enough. Her loyalty and dedication to the service had known no limits.

There was nothing of hers in the living room. Jarell had left him a few boxes to pack her things, but it seemed a single one would suffice.

Kaidan went into the bathroom next. He figured the hardest part would be to clean out her bedroom, so he would leave that for last. Up to now, he was doing better than he had imagined. But then he committed his first mistake — he opened her half-used bottle of shampoo and smelled it. He knew he shouldn't have done it, but at the same time it was like he couldn't help it. He didn't want to heal, he didn't want to move on; he wanted to hurt and be angry and miserable.

* * *

July 21st, 2183

"Alenko! Are you in there? Open up."

There was no response, so Jarell nodded at Riley, who began hacking the door to get it open. In two minutes, they were inside Shepard's house.

"Alenko!" Jarell went looking for him, searching every room, until he found him in the bedroom.

The closet was open and empty. Shepard's meager belongings were in a box by Kaidan's feet. There was an empty bottle of whisky on the floor and a second one, still half full, in the sentinel's hand. Kaidan was passed out in front of Shepard's terminal and there was a picture of her as a kid on the screen.

Riley and Jarell grabbed him and put him under the shower, turning the cold water on.

"Fuck." Alenko shuddered at the cold, finally looking alert, but did not try to stand.

"What the hell are you doing, man? You were supposed to be back on duty today. At Arcturus. There's people looking for you. Where's your tool? Why are you -"

"I don't know."

"You don't know where your tool is?"

"I don't know what I'm doing."

"Shit." Riley pointed to the used syringes in the sink.

"What the fuck are these, Alenko? You're a damn Alliance commander."

"It's migraine medication. I'm an L2. I'm not doing anything wrong."

"How about the fact that you're here when you're supposed to be on duty?"

Kaidan got up and turned off the shower. "They gave me a desk job. They don't want some mentally unstable biotic in the field."

"If they thought that, they wouldn't have promoted you." Jarell tossed him a towel.

"Shepard got me that promotion. I did nothing to deserve it."

"If she got you that, it was because she believed you deserved it. Do you not trust her judgment?"

"I do. Of course I do. It's just -"

"You have to snap out of it, man. All this… wallowing in self-pity, getting drunk, failing to report for duty; she wouldn't like to see you like this."

"Well, she doesn't get to like or dislike anything anymore, does she?"

Jarell grabbed him by the collar and pushed him hard against the wall, knocking the breath out of his lungs. Kaidan did nothing to stop him. "Enough with this crap, Alenko, or I swear to God -"

"Hey." Riley put a hand on Jarell's shoulder, pulling him back. "Why don't you come with me to the kitchen? Let's make him some coffee." Before leaving, she turned to Kaidan. "Go put on some dry clothes, commander. We'll help you finish packing and then we'll drop you off at the spaceport."

* * *

"I didn't know she had anything left of Mindoir," Jarell said, staring at the picture of a twelve-year-old Shepard on the screen of her terminal.

"When I was serving there, she showed up one weekend and we went to her farm. She only brought three things with her from the house; she didn't want anything else. One of them was the OSD with these pictures. I've never seen them. She never showed me."

"I'm sure she would have, once she was ready."

"Yeah. I think so, too."

All her belongings were packed except for that OSD. Kaidan sat at the foot of her bed with Jarell and Riley, drinking the coffee they had brought him. He had changed into clean BDUs and was looking way more presentable now.

"There's a picture of her at church with her parents. Do you think she would've wanted to get married in a church?"

"I didn't know she was religious."

"She never talked about it and I never asked. I should've asked."

"You two were thinking about getting married?"

Kaidan nodded, eyes downcast and unfocused. "We were engaged. I proposed to her right there in the living room. She said yes."

"Fuck," Jarell and Riley both muttered under their breaths.

The sentinel retrieved a bottle of whisky from underneath the bed.

"Don't you think you've had enough?" Jarell asked.

"Yeah. These bottles were hers. This is the only one left and I'm taking it with me. I want to save it for... some other time." He put the bottle in the box along with the OSD and shut down the terminal. "Let's go. Let's get out of here."

* * *

At the spaceport, Kaidan shook hands with Riley and apologized for the way he had behaved earlier. He was going to shake hands with Jarell, too, but the man pulled him into a hug instead. "Thank you," Kaidan said, returning the gesture.

As he took his seat in the shuttle, he turned his tool back on, determined to face the consequences of his failure to report for duty and to never let this happen again. Jarell was right; Shepard believed in him. She wouldn't have chosen him as her successor otherwise. The Normandy might be gone and they might have given him a desk job, but he would perform it and fulfill his duties to the best of his abilities. He was not going to let them prove her wrong. He was going to be everything she believed he was. As long as they didn't kick him out of the service for his disappearance this weekend. Damn, he had really fucked up this time. That was not something an L2 could afford to do.


	50. Survivor Guilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Survivor guilt and its consequences, including suicidal thoughts, are the theme of this entire chapter. If you think this subject might be upsetting or triggery to you, please proceed with caution.

July 30th, 2183

Kaidan was packing up another apartment. His own, this time, on Arcturus. Captain Anderson had intervened and saved his skin. He had talked to Captain Holtz to whom Kaidan had failed to report to two weeks ago. Anderson had said he had requested Kaidan's assistance with an N assignment gone wrong and it had held him up longer than expected.

 _"I can't tell you any more. It's all top secret. N7 business — you know how it is,"_  Anderson had said, and Captain Holtz had believed him or just hadn't cared enough to press it any further.

Anderson had then requested for Kaidan to be transferred to serve under him on the Citadel. Udina had won the election and had taken humanity's seat on the Council, and Anderson was working as his advisor and Systems Alliance liaison.

Moving to the Citadel, to an apartment free of memories of Shepard in every corner, might be just what Kaidan needed to get back on his feet. He was actually feeling a little bit excited about this transfer, which was a welcome change from the misery of his first month and a half without Shepard and the numbness that he had fallen into in the subsequent weeks.

* * *

_"We break atmo in five, sir. Perhaps you'd like to strap in," one of his marines said._

_Right now Kaidan didn't care if he got himself hurt, but he didn't want to risk hurting anyone else, so he took his seat and fastened the harness._

_The landing was not the smoothest. The terrible weather on Alchera had certainly made things more difficult. Kaidan tried to focus. Shepard was dead. Pressly was dead. He was in charge._

_"Sir, we lost the readings from the perimeter. The pod sensors must have been damaged in the landing."_

_Kaidan took a deep breath. He knew what he had to do; he just needed to compartmentalize his pain and he would be ready to deal with all of their immediate problems. Easier said than done. He had just gone through the most traumatic experience of his entire life and he couldn't even take a moment for himself. "Fredricks, see if you can establish communications with the other pods. Tell them to pass on their coordinates, name and rank of all survivors, damage report on the escape pods, and to deploy their distress beacons. I'll go outside to try to fix our sensors."_

" _Alone, sir?"_

" _I don't see anyone else here wearing an enviro-suit, Fredricks. Do you?"_

" _No, sir."_

" _You all stay inside. That's an order."_

* * *

August 4th, 2183

"Alenko, good to see you here. I wasn't sure if you'd show."

"I made a mistake, sir. It won't happen again."

"It better not. I don't think I could get you out of it a second time."

"Couldn't or wouldn't, sir?"

"Both," Anderson said sternly.

"I appreciate your honesty, sir."

"This… everything that's happened," the captain let out a heavy sigh, "it's been hard on me, too, Alenko. That was why I helped you and had you transferred here. I think that working together will be good for us. She would've liked that."

Anderson lowered his eyes and Kaidan noticed a framed picture of Shepard on his desk. She was wearing an N dress uniform and had a proud smile on her face. He tried to think of something else to say, to keep his mind from dwelling on memories of her.

"What about the others, sir?" Tali and Wrex had left the Normandy and gone back to their people right after the Battle of the Citadel, but everyone else that had stayed and survived the crash, Kaidan didn't know what had happened to them.

"T'Soni and Vakarian dropped off the radar; I have no idea where they might be. Chakwas, Adams, and the other survivors are being reassigned one by one, according to the results of their psychiatric evals. Now, Joker… Joker is being difficult, rebellious. The psychiatrist doesn't want him back out there. Not until he attends a few more months of therapy at least."

Being kept from flying — that was probably Joker's worst nightmare and it had come true. Kaidan thought about reaching out to him, but what was he going to say? He was barely holding it together himself; how could he be of any help to anyone else?

"So, are you ready to begin?" Anderson asked him.

"Yes, sir."

"Good. We're putting together Councilor Udina's security detail. I need you to interview and background check all the candidates, then forward me a list with your top picks for the position. We have four spots to fill. Udina demands that they're all human."

"I'll get on it, sir."

"Udina's personal assistant is waiting for you outside. She'll give you the candidates' resumés."

* * *

_Kaidan found himself in the middle of a snowstorm as he walked out of the pod. The cold hazard was reaching levels higher than his suit could handle and, according to the information on his HUD, he had approximately twenty minutes of safe exposure to that environment._

_It took him fourteen minutes to fix the pod sensors._

_For the next six minutes, he walked. He didn't want to go anywhere; just put some distance between himself and the pod. His service boots were sinking in the deep, fluffy snow which made his progress slow and strenuous._

_His HUD showed that his time was up. The efficiency of the environmental control and life support systems on his suit dropped to 99%. He sat down._

_Fredricks contacted him with an update on their situation; comms were online, sensors indicated there were no hostiles in the area, the distress beacon was deployed, the Alliance had already made contact, all escape pods were accounted for, and they had a list of the survivors. 95%. The crew was going to be okay. Kaidan had done his job. 94%. They did not need him anymore and he turned off his radio. 93%. It was just a matter of time now._

* * *

"Commander Alenko, it's a pleasure to meet you. Ludmila Llosa," Udina's assistant introduced herself and they shook hands. "I put all the resumés in one datapad to make it easier for you. Here."

Kaidan took it, but his eyes stayed on the woman. She was tall and muscular, probably in her early thirties, and the way she carried herself...

"Anything wrong, commander?" she asked him.

"Were you in the military?"

"C-Sec."

"And, did you quit or ...?"

"I was already interviewed for this job, commander."

"I'm sorry, it's just that –"

"I don't fit the profile for a typical personal assistant?"

"No. I mean..." Why would anyone want to quit a job at C-Sec — or any other job, really — to becomes Udina's personal assistant? "Never mind."

"Councilor Udina is paranoid about his own security. Everyone working for him has either a police or military background."

"I see."

"If you want to know the whole story, buy me a beer one day and I might tell you."

He was not ready to go out, socialize, and have fun yet, but he also didn't feel like getting into his personal issues with this woman. "Yeah. One day. Sure," he said, just to end the subject, and he hoped nothing would actually come out of it.

* * *

_The cold had began to seep into his suit, its efficiency below 50% now._

_"Kaidan!"_

_He saw Liara and Garrus approaching and couldn't believe they had found him so fast in this weather._

_"Kaidan, thank the Goddess we found you! Where's Shepard?"_

_"Fredericks said she didn't make it and that they had lost contact with you," Garrus said, lowering himself by the lieutenant's side. "Are you hurt?"_

_Liara ran a quick scan on him with her tool. "What are you doing out here? Your environmental control systems are failing. We need to get you back inside a pod."_

_"I'm staying here. You can go ahead," Kaidan replied. 42%._

_"Oh, no. It's true then. She didn't make it," Liara said, her voice breaking already at the end._

_"Spirits," Garrus muttered under his breath._

_The asari fell on her knees, putting her arms around the marine. "I'm so sorry."_

_"Me, too." 41%._

_"We can't stay here. We have to go." Garrus helped Liara to her feet and put his arm around Kaidan's shoulders, dragging him up. "I'm sorry, Kaidan, but I can't let you die out here. I owe Shepard more than that. We all do."_

_40%._

* * *

October 17th, 2183

"What about that beer, Alenko?" Ludmila asked as he was getting ready to leave after his shift.

They had been working together for a couple of months now, but since that talk about them going out for a beer had never been mentioned again, he was hoping she had forgotten about it.

"Oh, my God!" There was another woman with Ludmila and she was looking at him in awe." You're Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko from the Normandy! You helped save the Citadel from the Geth!"

Kaidan considered telling her that the Reapers had been the real threat the Citadel had been saved from, but he stopped himself before he could do it. The Alliance was already echoing the Council denials that the Reapers even existed and right now he couldn't afford to go against them. He was still benched, sitting behind a desk instead of out in the field, and having to undergo monthly psychiatric evaluations. One step out of the line at this point could mean the end of his career.

The woman shot Ludmila an indignant glare. "I can't believe you didn't tell me you were working with one of the Normandy's crewmembers. We're the ones who are supposed to be buying him beers, not the other way around!" She turned to Kaidan. "Can I get a picture? Better yet, would you like to join us for dinner?"

"This is exactly why I didn't tell you," Udina's assistant hissed at her. Then, with a slightly embarrassed smile, she spoke to Kaidan. "Commander Alenko, this is my wife Denise."

"Hi. It's a pleasure to meet you," he said.

"The pleasure is all mine. Did Ludmila tell you we have a Normandy model ship in our living room? We got it the day it came out."

Flustered, Ludmila looked down and away from him.

"We wouldn't be here today if it weren't for you," Denise continued. "We both worked at C-Sec at the time. I still do — customs officer — but Ludmila quit after… ah… She was on patrol at the Citadel Tower. Not many people made it out of there alive. C-Sec lost lots of good officers that day."

"He doesn't want to know about that, Denise. Commander Shepard and the Normandy were saving the entire station. What do C-Sec and a few casualties matter?"

"C-Sec does important work. I'm sorry that you lost so many people," Kaidan said. "I wish we had arrived here sooner."

"Thank you," she replied with a small smile.

Denise squeezed her wife's hand before turning back to him. "Why don't you come to dinner with us? Please, we'd love for you to come."

Ludmila nodded in agreement and Kaidan decided to accept their invitation. He had been living on the Citadel for a couple of months now; it was time he started making friends and going out again.

* * *

_"We need to move. How's your suit holding up?"_

_37%. "It's holding."_

_"Joker won't answer his comm. Dr. Chakwas asked us to check on him. She would've come, but she's not wearing an enviro-suit."_

_Garrus was the only one talking. Kaidan couldn't see Liara's face under her helmet, but he could hear her sobs._

_36%. "Fredericks said all pods were accounted for."_

" _Yes. Joker checked in, but then he stopped answering. Dr. Chakwas believes he might be injured."_

_Shepard had given her life to save the helmsman. There was no way Kaidan was going to let him die now. "Let's go. I'll help you find him."_

_35%._

* * *

October 26th, 2183

Anderson was calling his tool. Kaidan wished it were anyone else, so he could just ignore it.

"Alenko, where are you?"

"At home, sir. It's my day off."

"How about we go for a drink?"

"I'm sorry, sir. I can't. Not today." Shepard would have turned thirty today and Kaidan couldn't stop thinking about all the things they could be doing, moments that she wouldn't get to live, experiences that she would never get to have. It was so damn unfair.

"I know you're busy being miserable by yourself, Alenko, but I'm afraid I must insist."

"Sir, with all due respect, this is not a good time for me."

"That's why I insist. I didn't want to, but I'll make it an order if I have to."

Feeling backed into a corner, Kaidan sighed in resignation and agreed with a nod.

* * *

_The cold was verging on the unbearable. It was getting hard to breathe and each step was feeling like too much of an effort._

_"That's his pod at two o'clock. It's only fifty more meters, Kaidan. Come on," Garrus said, probably noticing the lieutenant was struggling._

_13%._

_"He's not going to make it," Liara said after running another diagnostic on him._

_Kaidan felt her dark energy engulfing him. It was heavy and oppressive to the point that he couldn't feel his own at all. And, then, he was flying and being dropped right in front of Joker's escape pod. Moments later, Garrus was being dropped beside him and he immediately started hacking the pod's hatch to get it open._

_10%. Kaidan couldn't will himself to move. He didn't have the energy. His eyes wanted to shut. His muscles wanted to relax. His brain wanted to fall asleep._

_The hatch slid open and Garrus dragged the lieutenant inside with him. In the climatized environment of the pod, the numbers on his HUD began to rise. Kaidan didn't care what those numbers stood for; what he was reading from them was that he had survived Shepard. The woman he loved had met an early death and he had survived her. It was like a nightmare coming true._

* * *

"I know loss, son," Anderson said, his tone softer and a lot friendlier than usual now that they had had a few drinks. "I know Shepard wasn't just your CO. The thing with losing someone you love is that there will always be days like this, when you can't seem to think about anything else. And I won't ask you to. We can talk about her all day if you want. I just want to help you keep it positive. You'd rather be back in the field, I know that, and your last psychiatric eval showed you're making progress, but days like this can send you back to square one if you're not careful."

So, besides his failure to report for duty after his trip to Rio, besides him leaving his CO to die on the Normandy, Anderson had also known he had been breaking fraternization regs. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you doing all this for me? Did she ask you to?"

"She cared about you and she did tell me she wanted you to be her successor should anything happen to her. But I didn't need her to tell me how good of a soldier you were. I always do my research before I choose my officers, and I chose you to be the head of my marine detail on the Normandy because you were the best man for the job."

There was a long silence between them. Anderson ordered a refill while Kaidan just stared down at his glass.

"You got lost after her death. It happens," Anderson continued. "You'd known each other for years. Your family took her in. Even if you two weren't together, I imagine this still would've been hard for you. Everyone deserves a second chance, but I wanted to make sure you had time to grieve and heal, so you wouldn't screw up yours. I know this is not the job you wanted. I didn't want this position here, either. What soldier in their right mind would prefer to sit behind a desk humoring politicians all day instead of being in the field where it matters? But rest assured that I'll have you back out there with your own team as soon as the psychiatrist clears you."

"I... I don't know what to say, sir. I don't think I deserve what you're doing for me."

"I've been reading your evals; you feel guilty. I could say that what happened to her was not your fault, but I don't think that will be of much help. You have to realize that yourself, Alenko. The thing is, she was right to want you as her successor. Everyone may be denying it now, but you and I both know that what attacked the Citadel was a Reaper and, when the time is right, you'll have to carry on with Shepard's mission and find a way to stop their invasion."

"Me?" Kaidan let out a mirthless laugh and shook his head. "I'm not half the soldier Shepard was."

"Well, she thought you were at least as good as her. She wouldn't trust you to captain the Normandy otherwise. And, I agree. You could be the next human Spectre, Alenko. You have it in you. You just have to believe it, too."

* * *

_Kaidan took a seat in the pod across from Joker. Garrus waited for Liara to come inside and then sealed the hatch closed._

_The helmsman's head was hanging between his shoulders and he didn't look up or acknowledge their presence in any way._

_"Joker, are you all right?" Garrus asked._

_"Yeah, I'm great. Just leave me, okay?"_

_Liara took off her helmet, wiping the tears from her eyes and recomposing herself before approaching the pilot. "His arm, it looks broken."_

_"I said leave me."_

_"Doctor Chakwas is worried about you," Garrus said._

_"Me? What about Shepard? Aren't you gonna ask about her?" Joker raised his voice, his tone angry and sarcastic, but he still wasn't making any eye contact._

_"We know what happened to her," the turian replied, sparing a glance at Kaidan._

_"Great." Joker looked at the sentinel, too. "So I imagine you're here to punch me or something? Go ahead. Just get it over with."_

_"I'm not going to hurt you, Joker. It was not your fault," Kaidan said. "It was mine. She told me to go and I did. I left her there to die."_

_Joker scoffed. "She only stayed for me; to get me out. I killed her."_

_"Enough," Liara cut them off. Kaidan had never heard her speak this loudly before. "Shepard sacrificed herself so you could be safe," she told both the helmsman and the sentinel. "She was a true hero. This is about her; it's not about you. She saved us all several times. That was what she did. Stop fighting and act like adults. You," she turned to Kaidan, "she loved and protected you and you went out there to die? And you," she spoke, now specifically to Joker, "you turned off the radio, refused medical attention. How is rescue supposed to find you? Do you understand that if you die here, then she died for nothing? She gave us the rest of our lives and we all better do something with them."_

* * *

December 31st, 2183. Ambleside Beach, Vancouver

Kaidan didn't know why he had come here today. He must be a masochist or something.

_"That's why you're back here. Because you're over me. You've moved on."_

_"I… haven't._ That's _why I'm back here."_

For a moment, he had wondered if he had heard her right. Her words had been too good to be true.

_"One more tour. That's all I'm asking. And then we'll be together, if you still want me. We'll make it work. I promise I won't give up on us again. They have housing facilities at the Villa for all N7s. I have my own place there. It's small, but probably bigger than your apartment in the officers' quarters on Arcturus. We could..."_

_"Wait, do you want to...?"_

_"Or, we could stay at your apartment. If I'm still stationed on a ship after this tour, living on Arcturus would be more convenient than on Earth."_

_"You want to move in together."_

He still remembered his joy and relief to hear that. What was one more tour for someone who had been waiting for her for years already? He had been so fucking happy that they were finally on the same page. It was all that had mattered.

But, it turned out that one more tour was all she would get and, now, one year later, he had been left with nothing. He had thought they would have the rest of their lives to be together. He had thought he would get to live years, decades by her side.

Nothing.

He was making something out of his life, like Liara had said he should. He was carrying on, like Anderson believed he could. He was living a comfortable life. He was in no way happy.


	51. Lazarus - Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I briefly mention events covered by the Redemption comic book in this chapter, but my version of them is completely AU.

August 12th, 2183 - Citadel

C-Sec Officer Garrus Vakarian pulled out his datapad. "Tell me, sir, what exactly was stolen?"

"Three OSDs. I'm pretty sure I left them in my skycar, but when I came back, they were gone."

"Are you positive they were stolen?"

"Yes. They contain sensitive data about this new product my company is developing. It's supposed to hit the shelves in three weeks. There's nothing like it on the market. I'm sure one of our competitors is behind the theft."

"Can I take a look at your skycar? The thief might have left traces of their presence."

"Sure. Go ahead." The worried man stepped away, giving Vakarian access to the vehicle.

After some rummaging through the car, the turian returned to speak with him. "Pyjak Barbecue flavored noodles. Was that the product in the stolen OSDs?"

The man looked at him with wide eyes, mouth open in shock. "Yes. It'll be marketed toward the krogan. No noodle brand has ever made a product like this. How do you know?"

"The OSDs with your 'secret' recipe are actually labeled in four different languages." Garrus handed him the supposedly stolen discs.

Suddenly flushing with embarrassment, the man cleared his throat. "Er... We have several different species working in product development, but... uh, where did you find these?"

"Underneath the passenger seat in your car. They must have slipped there after a sharp turn."

"Thank you, officer. Thank you," the man said, sounding relieved and a bit ashamed. "Sorry to have taken your time."

"Not a problem. Happy to be of service," Garrus replied mechanically.

Two months ago he had been helping a Council Spectre save the galaxy from impending doom. Now, he was investigating petty theft. This last case hadn't even been a real theft nor required any actual investigation. A complete waste of his time and skills.

" _Shepard gave us the rest of our lives and we had all better do something with them,"_  Liara had said that day on Alchera and she had been right. He had to do something meaningful with his life and this was not it.

* * *

November 5th, 2183 - Alchera

"By the Goddess! Feron, this is it. It's her. We've found her."

"Are you certain, Doctor T'Soni? According to our calculations, she was likely to be found in this area, but I can't even tell for sure if these remains are human or not."

Liara took a deep, steadying breath. She could feel it in her gut that this was Commander Shepard's body, but she had to be absolutely certain and it seemed like there was only one way to do that on a frozen planet with no resources or time to spare. "See if you can unseal her helmet."

The armor was in shambles and the remaining pieces were burned and appeared to have fused to the skin and flesh beneath it. The helmet, on the other hand, being the thickest part of the armor set, had survived reentry with very little damage other than a couple of cracks and scorch marks on the paint.

Feron had to use a knife to cut through melted parts of the latches and, when the helmet came off, there was no doubt left in Liara's mind that that burnt and broken body was Shepard's.

She would've spewed her breakfast right there if bullets hadn't begun to buzz around them. There were others looking for Shepard's body and Liara couldn't afford to feel sick right now. "To the shuttle," she yelled at Feron.

Lifting the corpse biotically, the asari brought it with them to the vehicle as fast as she could without risking causing it more damage. In there, they had a cooler pod they had brought to properly store it.

"What about her helmet?"

Bullets hit the shuttle door the instant Liara got it closed. "Leave it. There's no time. Get us out of here, Feron. Now!"

* * *

March 25th, 2184 - Citadel

"So, Tanya really liked you."

"Tanya?"

"Oh, don't be that guy, Alenko. You two spent the whole night talking to each other. Don't pretend you don't remember who she is."

"No. I mean," Kaidan scratched the back of his neck, anticipating the direction this conversation was going and already starting to feel uncomfortable, "she's great. Of course I remember her."

"Good," Ludmila replied. "I was thinking that we could go out this weekend. The four of us."

"I can't. I'm busy this weekend."

"There's nothing for you in the schedule."

"It's... a personal matter."

"You can just say you didn't like her. No need to come up with excuses. It seemed like you two were hitting it off, though." She shrugged. "My mistake, I guess."

"I meant it when I said she was great. I'm just not ready to be dating yet."

"Bad breakup?"

Kaidan lowered his eyes, taking a deep breath. "No."

"Oh." Ludmila covered her mouth with her hand, a look of sympathy on her face. "They died. You're a widower."

It seemed his tone and posture had been enough for her to figure it out.

"Yeah. Sort of. She was my fiancée."

"I'm sorry for your loss."

"Thank you."

"If you don't mind me asking, when did it happen? You have been here for seven months and you haven't missed a day."

Kaidan opened his mouth to answer her, but nothing came out and he closed it again with a heavy sigh.

"On the Normandy," Ludmila correctly guessed, and he gave a curt nod in response. "I thought fraternization was forbidden in the Alliance."

Kaidan flushed slightly in embarrassment. "It is."

"Oh, boy. Don't worry. I won't mention it. I promise."

"It… it doesn't really matter anymore."

"Seven months… that's a long time."

"I'm not ready, Ludmila."

"All right. Forget I said anything."

* * *

June 9th, 2184 - Elysium

Kaidan stood beside Anderson as a statue of Shepard was unveiled on Illyria. It was in the middle of Jane Shepard Square. If Shepard had already been bothered by all the streets and buildings named after her in this colony, she would probably be extremely peeved by this statue. They even surrounded it with blue spotlights that were to go off every sunset and wash the statue in blue as a reminder of her biotic abilities.

Councilor Udina was making a speech right now — the exact same one that he had uttered many times before at other functions in her honor.

This was not how Kaidan had wanted to spend the one year anniversary of her death. He wished he could be at home, alone with his memories, instead of chaperoning a politician.

The crowd broke into applause for the human councilor and Kaidan fell into step with the rest of Udina's entourage as the man made the rounds shaking hands.

"It was Commander Shepard, wasn't it?"

The marine shot Ludmila a surprised glance. "What are you talking about?" he asked her just to buy himself some time; he knew exactly what she had meant by that.

"Your fiancée."

"Others died that day, too."

"It's her. The strained look on your face and the way you carry yourself at these functions, they give you away."

Kaidan didn't deny it, which would probably be confirmation enough for Ludmila. There was no harm in letting a friend know the truth, was there? "I'm not having the greatest time here," he admitted.

"Sounds like an understatement."

It was. He just wanted this ceremony to be over, so he could head back to the hotel and spend the night alone and miserable with his memories.

"How about we go out for a drink tonight? It might cheer you up," Ludmila said.

"Thanks, but I'm turning in early."

"Well, I'm going and you look like you could use one. Or five."

"Denise doesn't like it when you go drinking without her, you know?"

"That's just 'cause I tend to exaggerate and make stupid decisions."

"Seems like a good enough reason to me."

"Well, I'm still going, so you'd better come with me and make sure I don't do anything I'm going to regret."

"Fuck," he muttered under his breath.

* * *

"So, Commander Shepard, huh? It's go big or go home with you, Alenko. I respect that."

"It wasn't like that. We'd known each other for years. Before the Normandy. Before Elysium. Before... everything."

Kaidan knew Ludmila wouldn't be able to resist bringing up his relationship with Shepard. He shouldn't have let her know the identity of his fiancée. It was a bit surprising that it hadn't come up even earlier, actually. They were into their fifth drink now and while, for a biotic, that made little to no difference, the same could not be said about the  _muggle_.

"Wow. Quite the privilege, but it also sucks, I guess. No wonder you haven't moved on."

The marine took a sip of his drink. He had nothing to say in response to that. It was not a subject he liked to discuss with anyone, whether they were a friend or not. He had only talked about his and Shepard's relationship with the grief counselor he had seen on Arcturus right after the Normandy had gone down, and then with the Alliance psychiatrist on the Citadel.

"She was on both mine and Denise's three list," Ludmila said with a sigh. It seemed more like an afterthought; Kaidan almost hadn't heard her.

" _Three list_?" he asked, not knowing what she meant by that. Maybe he had heard her wrong.

"Three people we're allowed to sleep with without our better half getting mad about it."

He frowned. That sounded like the kind of silly, normal couple stuff that he and Shepard had never had the chance to engage in — the sort of thing that he would often catch himself wishing they had had time for. Some normalcy would've been good for her. For both of them, actually. "Shepard and I never made one," he said simply.

"I mean no offense, but I can't imagine why  _you_  would."

Raising one perplexed eyebrow at her, he asked, "Why not? Wait, you think Shepard would?"

"Alenko, you're my friend and you're a great guy, but she… she's Commander Shepard. She's the greatest hero of our generation. One can't do any better than her. Whoever will come after her in your life, I actually feel sorry for them. I wouldn't want to be in their shoes."

"You're not the best at this 'cheering up' part, are you?" Kaidan didn't mean to sound bitter, but that was how it came out.

"No. Sorry. I bummed you out even more, didn't I?"

"It's fine. Let's just go."

"I will make this up to you."

"I said it's fine, Ludmila."

"I will. I promise. There's someone who's perfect for you out there. I'll find them and set you up. You will not die alone, Alenko. Not on my watch."

 _Yeah, definitely not great at the cheering up part_ , Kaidan thought. This night had been a disaster. Shepard had been dead for year now and he was still stuck trying to figure out how to have a life without her.

* * *

October 17th, 2184 - Tiptree

Joker had never seen a woman like that. Not on Tiptree at least. And, of all people in that food court, she was looking at him. Him. That couldn't be right.

He broke eye contact for a moment, trying to figure out what to do, what his next step should be. Maybe he should smile at her and, if she smiled back, he would go talk to her. Only... she would see he was disabled the moment he got up. What were the odds that she would still be interested?

When he looked back up, she had disappeared. Of course a woman like  _that_  wouldn't be interested in him. What was he even thinking?

Shaking his head, he turned back to the datapad in his hands. He had reached his limit and was writing a request to the Alliance to be discharged from service. They would never let him fly again. Four hundred and ninety-three days since the Normandy had gone down and they hadn't once let him past the flight simulator.

"Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau?"

"Yes?" Joker looked up to see the woman right in front of him. There was not a chance in hell that her interest in him was anything other than professional. Her tone and posture were completely businesslike.

"I'm Miranda Lawson. This is my associate, Jacob Taylor. Would you mind if we joined you?" Without waiting for his answer, Miranda and Jacob sat with him.

Joker studied the pair for a moment, trying to figure who they were and why they had come after him on Tiptree, but he came up empty.

"Our company is launching a new, billion-credit venture and we'd like to have you onboard. Our offer is in this datapad. You'll find that we're being very generous."

Joker took the pad, but kept his eyes on Miranda and Jacob. There was something fishy about this whole situation. "I'll check your offer and get back to you in a few days. Thanks," he said, hoping to send the duo on their merry way so he could start by researching their names on the extranet and on the Alliance databases.

"Time is of the essence, Mr. Moreau. I'm afraid we can't leave without an answer," Miranda said, not budging.

With a heavy sigh, Joker started reading the datapad. Their proposition seemed too good to be true. Besides the huge paycheck — over three times what the Alliance paid him — they promised him top of the line treatment for his Vrolik disease. Clearly, they had done their research on him.

"Which company did you say you worked for again?" Joker asked, even though he didn't think they would fall for that. He had a hunch as to why they hadn't told him the name of the company yet.

"Two months ago you were approached by one of our headhunters. You pulled your sidearm on her and told her to leave you alone without even looking at the offer. So you understand why we had to come see you in a public place and hide our affiliation until you were ready to discuss our offer in a more civilized manner."

Joker stiffened in his chair, straightening his back as much as he could so he wouldn't look as fragile as he actually was. Cerberus. Again. He remembered that headhunter. The instant she had told him who she worked for, he had drawn his pistol and told her get away from him. "You think I don't know what you are? What you do? I know about Akuze, about Toombs, about Kahoku. I helped Shepard to hunt you down and I regret that we didn't have the time to finish you off. Leave me alone."

"You are mistaken about our company, Mr. Moreau," Miranda said, looking as cool and impassive as ever. "My associate, Mr. Taylor, used to be Alliance. I believe he can help you see reason. I'll give you two a moment."

* * *

Miranda was growing impatient, watching from afar as the two men talked. She shouldn't be here. There was way more important work for her to be doing at the Lazarus Project lab. This was the first time she had been away from there since Shepard's body had been recovered. Wilson was in charge during her absence, something that did not please her in the least.

The incompetent headhunter that had been sent to recruit Joker was to blame for this. Miranda agreed with the Illusive Man that they needed the pilot. His advice would be invaluable in building Shepard's new ship. There was also another reason why they wanted Joker on board — having a familiar face around would make it easier for the commander to accept the idea of working with Cerberus. Nothing a control chip couldn't do, and with guaranteed effectiveness, but the Illusive Man's fascination with the myth of Commander Shepard was clouding his better judgment in this specific matter, so Joker was now their best bet.

Jacob was shaking his head as he walked back towards Miranda. He, too, had failed to convince the stubborn pilot. They were wasting precious time here. She needed to get this over with, so she could go back to the lab. Failure to bring Joker along now would only mean that, in a few days, they would again have to devote resources and personnel into finding him and doing all this for a third time. So, she was getting this done right now.

Purposefully, she strode towards his table as he was getting up. "Sit down, Mr. Moreau," she said, and her commanding tone was enough to get him to comply. "We have Shepard. Here." She transferred an image file from her tool to his.

Joker stared at the picture in confusion. "A necklace?"

"We've recovered Shepard's body and we're rebuilding her and her ship. This picture is all the proof I can offer you at the moment. All project files are classified."

"Project? What project?"

"I've already told you more than I'm allowed. If you want to know more, you'll have to come with us. Or perhaps you'd like to walk away and leave her behind again? If not, I suggest you accept our offer."

* * *

October 22nd, 2184 - Lazarus Research Station

For all he knew, they could be lying. He couldn't make sense of the image Miranda had sent him, but she had said they had Shepard and that had been enough for him to agree to come here. He had to see for himself. He had to find out the truth. On the off-chance that they were in fact bringing Shepard back to life as she had been, then he needed to be here for her. He owed her that much.

They let him look at the lab through glass windows, showed him their progress on monitors, presented him with scans and test results, but the science behind it all was too much for his understanding. He couldn't be certain that was the real Shepard and not a clone or some advanced android AI. He was just a pilot, not a scientist or a doctor.

"Wait," he told Jacob, who was escorting him to the station's living quarters. "Is there some way I can make a call? The signal on my tool is blocked."

"We have several protective measures in place to ensure the safety of this station and the secrecy of the Lazarus Project. Communications with anyone on the outside is not allowed."

"I can't accept your job offer if I don't make this call."

"You're already here, Moreau. There's no going back now."

"What? Is this some sort of threat?"

" _Mr. Taylor, please_ ," a male voice sounded over the nearest intercom, " _Mr. Moureau is our guest._ "

Jacob furrowed his brows in confusion. "I was not aware of the change in his status, sir."

"Change from what? Prisoner?" Joker felt angry at himself for having given them the benefit of the doubt. Cerberus was the enemy. They should never be trusted.

"Lazarus Project employee," Jacob corrected him, but he wasn't buying it and just huffed a curse in response.

" _Mr. Taylor, would you please bring Mr. Moreau to my office? I'd like to speak with him,_ " the disembodied voice said.

"Yes, sir."

As he followed Jacob, Joker chastised himself internally for not realizing earlier that he had indeed been made a prisoner of Cerberus. His tool wouldn't work in the station and he had willingly surrendered his sidearm at the security checkpoint upon disembarking. They had used Shepard and his guilt over her death to manipulate him and he had fallen for it.

"Wait here. Stay still," Jacob said, leaving him alone in an empty room.

Suddenly he was being scanned and meeting the man in charge of Cerberus via a high-end holographic projection. "Mr. Moreau, it's a pleasure to meet you. I would like to reiterate that you are indeed a guest here."

"So, can I get a signal on my tool?"

"Yes. It should start working again in a few minutes."

"Can I have my sidearm back?"

"It'll be brought to you momentarily."

"Can I leave?"

"We'll have a shuttle ready for you in two hours."

"Well, I guess that'll be all. Thanks."

As Joker walked out of the room, Jacob went in.

"It was hard enough getting him to come here, sir. Are we just going to let him leave?"

"He won't leave, Mr. Taylor. Don't worry."

"What if he tells the Alliance about the project?"

"Guilt is a powerful feeling. It changes a man. Ruins him. Mr. Moreau wants to believe us. He wants this project to succeed as much as we do. He wouldn't do anything to jeopardize what we're doing here. This is his only chance to get rid of the guilt he carries over Commander Shepard's death and he will seize it. You'll see."

* * *

As promised, the signal was back on his tool and Joker started looking for a quiet, secluded place from where he could make a call to Dr. Chakwas. If there was one person in the galaxy that could confirm if this Shepard was the real one, it was her. He would probably be putting her in Cerberus' sights though if he made this call.

A security officer found him in the men's restroom and gave him back his sidearm. It seemed there were no unmonitored spaces in this facility. But at least they were keeping their promises and he had his pistol back and his tool working again. He wondered if they would really have a shuttle ready to get him out of there in two hours.

Before bringing Chakwas into this, he needed more proof that he wasn't putting her in danger over nothing. He opened the picture Miranda had sent him and that he still couldn't make sense of — it showed a slightly worn and scorched golden necklace with the name  _Lisa_  on it. Maybe someone who had been closer to Shepard than him could tell what it was and if it proved anything.

 _Does this mean anything to you?_  he wrote in a message with the picture of the necklace attached and sent it over to Kaidan Alenko.


	52. Lazarus - Part 2

October 22, 2184

_Does this mean anything to you?_

Kaidan read Joker's message and opened the file attached to it. For an instant, he was paralyzed. His hands clenched into fists in spite of himself and he had to blink a few times to make sure his eyes weren't deceiving him.

So much went through his mind at once, he felt dizzy.

This was not something to be discussed over text messages. He needed to talk to Joker right now.

* * *

"Kaidan?" Joker had sent him a message literally two minutes ago. He was not expecting an answer so soon and definitely not by vid-call.

"Where did you get this picture?"

"So it's legit?"

"How do you know about the necklace?"

"I don't. That's why I asked you about it."

Kaidan was livid and Joker started to think that sending him that pic might not have been the best idea. The necklace clearly meant something to him. Joker had already killed the woman he loved; he didn't want to put Kaidan through anymore suffering.

"Where did you get this picture?" Kaidan asked again, growing impatient.

Joker froze. What was he going to say?  _Cerberus. Remember those guys? They used to feed marines to thresher maws and tortured Admiral Kahoku to death? Yeah. So now they have a whole new, creepy and unethical science experiment with an unwilling subject. That's right — they've got your girlfriend's body and instead of giving it back to her loved ones for a proper funeral, they are playing God with her. Also, I'm thinking about working for them now._  Seemed like it would go well. Who wouldn't love to hear that? "It's complicated," he said.

"What are you playing at, Joker?"

"Nothing. I made a mistake."

Kaidan looked down, inhaling a sharp breath in a visible effort to keep his emotions in check. "That necklace... Shepard had one just like it. I thought I was the only one who knew about it."

Joker wondered why Shepard had a necklace with the name Lisa on it. She had probably taken it from someone in her family who had died on Mindoir — her mother or perhaps a sister. "I'd never seen it before and I can't say more right now, but I'll try to find out what I can and I'll get back to you."

"I need to know more. You can't just drop this on me and hang up."

The pilot was considering doing exactly that, actually.

"Please, Joker, I need to know."

"I'm sorry, Kaidan." With a heavy heart, Joker disconnected the call. If the sentinel found out that Cerberus had Shepard's body, he would go to any lengths to get it back. Letting the enemy experiment on her was wrong on so many levels and a betrayal to her memory and legacy. But... what if it worked? What if they brought her back? Joker knew the odds were next to none, but he was willing to wait and see. And if Cerberus succeeded, he promised himself he would come clean to Kaidan about it.

Now that he had confirmed the necklace was a somewhat valid piece of evidence that Cerberus had Shepard's body, he felt more encouraged to call the one person he trusted to provide him with a definitive answer on the matter.

"Dr. Chakwas?"

"Jeff, how have you been? Are you taking your meds?"

"Yeah. Look, I need your help. It's about Shepard."

She listened with great interest as Joker told her all he knew about the Lazarus Project, his recruitment, and his conversation with Kaidan. "Do you think they would want to have me along?" she asked once he was finished.

"Why would you want to join up with Cerberus?"

"To take care of Shepard and of you. I don't think they would let me see what they're doing to her body otherwise. I also want to make sure the treatment they promised you is carried out in the best way possible."

"What about Kaidan?"

"You did the right thing. I wouldn't want to put him through anymore pain. If this Lazarus Project works, then we'll tell him."

Joker was relieved to know that Chakwas agreed with him on this.

* * *

December 31st, 2184. Ambleside Beach, Vancouver

Kaidan had had a terrible year and he was glad it was over. These last couple of months, after Joker had sent him that picture, had been torture. Day after day, he had tried without success to contact the pilot again until he found out that he had quit the Alliance and his tool had been deactivated. Kaidan had then called Joker's family on Tiptree, hoping to find out his whereabouts, but they had said they hadn't heard from him ever since his discharge from duty in October.

Not knowing what else to do, Kaidan had gone to Anderson. The captain had seemed skeptical that the picture could mean that Shepard's body had been found or that it had any relation with Joker quitting the service.

" _It's been a year and a half, Alenko. You need to move on,"_  he had said.  _"This is not doing you any good."_

Anderson had been right. That picture meant nothing. Someone else knew about the necklace, so what? Shepard was still dead. He needed to let her go.

When midnight hit on that cold night on Ambleside beach, Kaidan watched the fireworks, drank his beer, and, looking up at the starry sky, he said goodbye to Shepard and their New Year's Eve ritual. He wouldn't be coming back here next December 31st.

* * *

April 29th, 2185

"There's something wrong here," Ludmila said.

Kaidan was already signaling Councilor Udina's security detail to stay alert. "I know," he replied. "Too many vorcha."

"They don't strike me as a crowd that attends fancy benefit events, especially not in these numbers."

Vorcha tended to travel in packs, but their packs were never this big. Kaidan was counting eighteen of them at the casino right now.

They all started moving at once, heading to the doors, and Kaidan knew they were about to attempt something — a heist or kidnapping; he knew something bad was about to happen. He immediately ordered Udina's security detail to get him out of there, but there was no time. The vorcha pulled out their weapons, ordered the casino guards to surrender, and closed all the entrances, making everyone inside their hostages.

Udina refused to obey their orders for everyone to get down, bellowing what an outrage that was, when one of the vorcha walked towards him, his gun aimed at his chest. One of the councilor's bodyguards stepped between him and the hostile alien and, right at that moment, Kaidan knew everything would go to hell.

As the vorcha's finger twitched on the trigger of his gun, Kaidan threw him biotically on top of one another while, with the other hand, he threw Udina and the bodyguard at one of the doors, flinging it open. People started running in panic towards the newly opened exit and the vorcha opened fire on them. The sentinel expanded his barrier as much as he could so he could cover the civilians as they ran, but there were too many enemies shooting at his barrier for him to be able to hold it up until everyone was out safely.

Ludmila, Anderson, and the three remaining bodyguards began to return fire, diverting some of the enemies' attention, which gave the civilians a few extra seconds to escape. As Kaidan's barrier fizzled out, he rolled behind cover with his sidearm in hand and helped the others to neutralize the hostiles.

C-Sec was fast to arrive and render assistance. Once half the vorcha were dead, the other half surrendered to the authorities.

Anderson stormed out of the casino, enraged, and Kaidan and Ludmila followed him. The N7 grabbed Udina by the shoulder, making the councilor turn to face him, then punched him straight in the gut. "Ten dead civilians in there. That's on you,  _councilor_ ," Anderson said, scoffing at Udina's title.

Out of breath, Udina bent over as Ludmila rushed to his side, acting as if she were horrified by Anderson's attitude.

Kaidan stuck around, waiting until the councilor had dismissed Ludmila so he could walk her home.

"Are you okay?" he asked her. She had quit C-Sec after the geth attack in '83, and Kaidan worried that the situation at the casino tonight might have brought on bad memories.

"I'm okay. I'm more worried about you, actually," she said, surprising him.

"Me? Why?"

"I chose to work for Udina while you were given no option. Tonight it became apparent how wasted your talents are here. You deserve better than being stuck with this poor excuse for a councilor." Sighing, Ludmila shook her head. "Ten dead civilians... I'm glad Anderson punched that entitled asshole, though I doubt he'll learn anything from this."

"I didn't know you were packing. We'd have had more casualties if it weren't for you."

"I'm always packing. Might have quit C-Sec, but... old habits, you know?"

"Yeah, I do," he replied with a small smile.

"Would you like to come in?" she asked when they arrived at her place.

"It's late."

She pulled a bottle from her bag and wiggled her eyebrows.

Kaidan looked at the five-thousand-credit bottle of whisky in disbelief. "Is this the bottle Councilor Udina bought at the auction tonight?"

"Yep. If he asks, I'll just say it was lost in the shootout. What do you think?"

"I'm in. Let's open it."

* * *

May 18th, 2185

"You look happy," Ludmila said, eyebrows furrowed in surprise. "Did you find another five-thousand-credit whisky bottle lying around or something?"

"Anderson is putting me back in the field," Kaidan replied. He had also been promoted to staff commander. It seemed things had finally started working out for him.

"Does that mean you won't be around anymore?"

"I won't be working here, but I'm keeping my apartment in the wards, at least for now."

"Well, that's a shame. I had just thought of the perfect person to introduce you to."

Kaidan laughed and shook his head. "You still haven't given up, huh?"

"I'm sure you'll like this one. Her name is Waleska Nicallis. She works for C-Sec as a forensic doctor."

"Waleska Nicallis? That's an usual name."

"So is  _Kaidan Alenko_."

"Good point." He smiled. "She sounds very interesting, but now is not the best time for me."

"You always say that. Did I mention that she's asari?"

Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck, a sheepish look on his face, and Ludmila realized she had piqued his interest. "I still have a few days until I ship out..." he said.

She gave him a knowing a smirk. "I'll set you up."

* * *

May 23rd, 2185

"The colony simply vanished, sir. There were no bodies, no signs of hostility. It's like everyone just dropped what they were doing and left," Captain Lee Riley said.

Admiral Hackett exchanged a glance with Anderson before turning back to the marine on the holoscreen. "So we have nothing to go on, captain?"

"There's one thing."

"What is it?"

"Cerberus was here when we arrived."

"Do you think they're behind the disappearances?"

"I don't know, sir. It looked like they were just gathering intel. They came in a shuttle. Eight people. Half of them unarmed. Probably scientists."

"Thank you, captain. We'll get back to you after we read your report."

"Sir," Riley said before Hackett could dismiss her, "Cerberus might not be behind the missing colonists, but they're up to something."

"How do you know, captain?"

"They've been doing some heavy recruiting within our ranks."

"They've always done so, unfortunately."

"It's different this time. They have Joker. And Dr. Karin Chakwas."

Anderson frowned, approaching the screen. "Two former crewmembers of the Normandy? That can't be a coincidence. Are you certain, captain?"

Riley nodded. "Yes, sir. They were both here. The thing is… Cerberus had to know the Alliance would come to investigate a missing colony, so why would they send their people here at the same time? And why Joker and Chakwas? They have plenty of other operatives. There's something fishy about this."

For Anderson that could only mean one thing. "They wanted us to know Joker and Chakwas signed up with them. But why?"

"Captain, well done. Leave these details out of your report. If you find out anything else, come straight to us. Dismissed," Hackett said, turning off the screen. "So, Anderson, what do you think? Is this connected to that Cerberus project we've been hearing about?"

"Lazarus? It must be. They're doing this on purpose; leaking bits and pieces of information."

"Any theories of what they might be up to?"

Anderson knew the mythology behind that name and he thought of the picture Kaidan had shown him a few months ago — the image of a scorched necklace that Shepard had been supposedly wearing when she died. But it was just a picture. There was no proof that it really belonged to her or that it had been retrieved from her body. It seemed like a huge stretch to think it had to do with Cerberus bringing her back to life. Reviving the dead was a technology that no species possessed. If Cerberus had recovered her remains, however, they would have enough genetic material to clone her. Maybe they had been hearing about Lazarus because Cerberus wanted them to think they were resurrecting Shepard when in truth they were cloning her. "Admiral," Anderson finally said, "I do have a theory."

* * *

May 28th, 2185

Kaidan hadn't been on a date in years, and he was so nervous he was sure he was going to blow it. Shepard had been on his mind all day, which was making him question if he was really ready to be dating again. If Waleska hadn't been so punctual, he would've probably bolted and called her with some excuse.

They met at the bar of a fancy salarian restaurant that Ludmila had recommended to them. However, there was a big biotiball game going on tonight and Waleska wanted to watch it, so they ended up at an asari sports bar in the Kithoi Ward instead of making use of their dinner reservation. Kaidan welcomed that change of scenery; it made him feel more comfortable to be on this date.

She talked a lot. All the time, which he actually appreciated. It gave him time to calm his nerves and kept his mind from wandering to the depressing thoughts that had populated his head ever since the Normandy had gone down. Waleska's smile was easy and contagious and he was happy just to listen to her as she told him her life story.

He learned that, before pursuing a career in C-Sec and forensic medicine, she had spent eighty years as a professional biotiball player. After she had quit, one hundred and twenty years ago, she had spent fifty years traveling the galaxy and spending the money she had earned before deciding to settle down on the Citadel. It was mind-blowing to hear that and to try and wrap his head around their age difference.

"That's fascinating," he told her.

"Oh, please. You were on the crew of the Normandy. You're four hundred years younger than me and you've already saved the galaxy. Tell me about that. I'd love to hear all the details that didn't make the news."

There it was. His mind went to straight to Shepard, the woman he was supposed to be married to. They should be in their house in Rio, talking about the future and starting a family. Instead, she was dead, and he was going on dates with asari.

"If you don't want to talk about it, it's okay. Did I tell you I have a daughter? She's three hundred and twenty-seven years old already. Goddess, I was so young when I had her. She has two daughters of her own now, with a turian. Her father was a turian, too."

Kaidan was relieved that she was doing all the talking again. It was what kept him from cutting their date short. Her stories were quite distracting and the way she told them was very entertaining, to the point of effectively keeping him from thinking about all the tragedy that he had endured in his personal life.

After they left the bar, Waleska invited him to her home, and he was surprised to realize that he was actually okay with the idea of sleeping with her. Well, not her exactly. Joining minds with a biotic seemed a bit too much for his first night with someone else after the death of his fiancée. But at least the act of sleeping with another didn't appear so unthinkable to him anymore.

Politely, he refused her invitation, but he was glad he had let Ludmila set him up. Maybe Waleska wasn't the one, but that didn't mean the right person for him wasn't out there. And at least now he knew that though dating again might not be easy, it wasn't that hard either.

* * *

 

It started with a buzz. She would hear it sometimes, disturbing the quiet darkness that surrounded her. Next, there was cold. It would come and go, until it settled for good, as if it were inside her. And, it hurt. It got worse when the tingling started. Like the cold, it just wouldn't go away and, at some point, it became painful, too.

There was a single sensation that didn't turn into pain. A touch, soft but still intense. It soothed her. For a brief moment, while she felt that touch, there was no cold, no tingling, no pain.

Kaidan… For some reason that name came to her. That one instant of peace and comfort she had, her foggy mind associated it with that name. Kaidan.

* * *

" _Kaiden_?" The Illusive Man pulled back from the woman on the metal gurney in front of him. On this particular project, he liked to watch their progress closely. And, when the time came, he wanted to be the one to wake her up.

"You shouldn't be touching her without gloves, sir," Miranda told him.

He was aware of that, but he wanted at least once to feel her skin.  _Soft as a baby's_ , Wilson had said, and since then he had wanted to see for himself. There was something that appealed to him about seeing the greatest hero humanity had ever had look this fragile and vulnerable. He had saved humanity's savior; it was his most important and successful endeavour so far.

"She mumbled something. A name," he said. " _Kaiden_?"

"I'll have to increase the anesthetic. She's not ready yet," Miranda replied, rushing over to Shepard's side.

"That would be Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. He was stationed on the Normandy with her," Wilson supplied.

"Oh, yes. So he was not just her lieutenant, I presume."

Lawson sighed heavily. "There were traces of him... everywhere. It was not easy to scrub him off of her."

The Illusive Man smirked. "And he survived the crash, did he not?"

"Yes."

"We'd better keep track of him, then. It could come in handy."

"He's still with the Alliance. Promoted, I believe. His file is surprisingly well-classified," Miranda said.

"So, we're already watching him?"

"Yes."

"Hm, I never thought our best leverage with her could come from some lower deck serviceman. At least she wasn't taking aliens to her bed." The Illusive Man looked at Shepard a little longer and lightly ran his fingers over her cheek.

"Sir, it is not advisable to touch her," Miranda said.

"Give him a break, Lawson. The only way in here is through the decontamination chamber. He's clean."

She shot Wilson an icy glare. "And you ask why I don't like to leave you alone with her."

"Miranda is right, Wilson." The Illusive Man headed to the door. "It looks like she's almost ready. You're doing excellent work. I'll leave you two to it."

* * *

May 30th, 2185

Kaidan didn't know what to think when he arrived at his mission briefing to find Admiral Hackett, Captain Anderson, Captain Lee Riley, and Commander Jarell Turner waiting for him. It had to be something huge for them to put three N7s and this many high-ranking officers together.

Hackett conducted the briefing and, as he went on about Cerberus, the rumors about the Lazarus Project, and Joker and Chakwas' defection, Kaidan felt like he needed to sit down.

It all started to make sense — Cerberus must have found Shepard's body and used the necklace as proof that they had her so they could get Joker and other Alliance officers to join their cause. In the meantime, they would clone her and eventually use her to get public opinion on their side and to gather support for their human-supremacy ideals.

Kaidan felt so enraged, it was like his blood was boiling in his veins. How could Joker and Chakwas have joined up with the enemy, betraying Shepard and everything that she had fought for? Why wasn't the Alliance doing more to stop Cerberus? There were no limits to their villany. They were defiling Shepard's body, her memory, and her legacy.

"Captain Riley is going to conduct a covert operation to investigate Cerberus and find out more about this Lazarus Project. If it really is what we think it is, then we'll put a stop to it," Anderson said.

"This is bullshit." Jarell, like Kaidan, was barely containing his horror and anger at hearing all that. "A covert operation to  _investigate_ Cerberus? With all due respect, it's not enough, sir."

"Commander Turner, you're out of line," Hackett said.

"C'mon, Alenko, you okay with this?" Jarell asked him.

"Commander Turner," Riley intervened, "don't make me regret bringing you here."

Jarell looked at Riley as if he had been betrayed, disappointment etched on his face. "I wish you'd told me what this was about before we got here. An investigation?" He scoffed. "The time to investigate Cerberus is long gone. The Alliance should've launched a real offensive against them and ended them back when they attacked Arcturus. You all know what they did to my unit on Akuze. Years later, they did the same with Admiral Kahoku's men. What more do they have to do for you to decide that we need to take action?"

"Turner!" Riley chided him.

Shaking his head, Jarell stormed out without bothering to request to be dismissed.

"Sir, permission to leave?" Riley asked Hackett. "I can talk to Commander Turner and get him to fall in line."

"You'd better, captain, or we'll take a disciplinary action against him. Get back in here once you've handled it."

"Yes, sir."

As Riley walked out, Hackett and Anderson turned to Kaidan. "What about you, Commander Alenko?" the admiral asked.

"We have a theory of what this Lazarus Project is about, but we'd rather not take offensive action until we know for sure," Anderson said. "You understand that, Alenko?"

"Yes, sir." Even though Kaidan thought Jarell was justified in his revolt, he was willing to brush aside the Alliance's tolerance towards Cerberus in order to help with the mission that could finally put Shepard and his own mind at peace. "Tell Captain Riley that she can count on me."


	53. Alive

June 9th, 2185

Kaidan was leaning on the table in the comm room of the SSV Trafalgar, his head down. Jarell had been pacing for what felt like hours now, clenching and unclenching his fists, and Kaidan just couldn't stand to watch it anymore.

Riley was sitting down, shoulders slumped and face buried in her hands, not minding that two of her subordinates were in the room with her. They were all too tired and frustrated to mind protocol.

She had convinced Admiral Hackett that she could deal with Jarell's insubordination and get him to fall in line, and then she had convinced the N7 to come along for this mission. Up to now, it had all been for nothing though. They had been on this assignment for over a week and they had made no progress. No new leads, no new information; nothing.

"Two years..." Kaidan muttered bitterly, shaking his head. There were times when Shepard's death felt so fresh, he wondered how much more of this grief he could handle before losing his mind. Every time he thought he was doing better, there was something to set him back — her birthday, New Year's Eve, the picture of the necklace, this insane theory that Cerberus could have found her body and might even have cloned her, and today there was also the two-year anniversary of her death. "I need a drink."

"Me, too," Jarell said.

Riley pushed herself off the chair. "Right behind you."

They went into the mess together and each proceeded to fuss with their own locker.

"Wait, what are you two doing?" Riley asked the men.

"I've got a bottle of whisky stashed here," Kaidan replied. "Ma'am."

"I've got one, too. Vodka," Jarell said.

"I see." Riley raised an eyebrow, looking amused. "So I guess we won't be needing the one I brought. Let's go back to the comm room. I don't want to set a bad example to the crew."

* * *

"Captain?" Flight Lieutenant Linda Harrison called on the intercom.

Riley hastily hid the bottle they had been drinking from as if the pilot could see them. "I still don't have our next destination, Harrison. Shouldn't you be off-duty at this hour anyway?"

"No. I mean, I should ma'am. But… Lieutenant Gregory Adams, former crewmember of the SSV Normandy, just contacted our ship. He wishes to speak to you."

Riley exchanged a glance with Kaidan, who straightened himself up and sucked in a deep breath, getting ready for whatever was coming. "Patch him through, Harrison," she said.

"Yes, ma'am."

After a few seconds, Adams was greeting them on the holoscreen. Kaidan was glad to see him again. Riley, on the other hand, had her eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"First of all, lieutenant, I need to know how did you get clearance to contact my ship?" she asked, since their operation was being carried out off the record and communications were restricted.

"Captain Anderson, ma'am," Adams replied. "I came to him about the situation I found myself in and he ordered me to contact you."

"And what situation was that, lieutenant?"

"Earlier today I was coming home for my leave when I saw a Cerberus shuttle docked at the spaceport. Now, Holetown is not a big city and our spaceport is only for small, private shuttles, so I found it odd that Cerberus would be here."

"How did you know it was Cerberus?"

"Believe it or not, ma'am, they paint their insignias all over their ships."

Riley looked at Turner, who nodded to confirm Adams' statement. "All right. Go on," she said.

"I know bad things happen when they're around, so I waited until the passengers cleared the area and the pilot took a bathroom break and I downloaded the logs from their shuttle's computers. I haven't had time to go over the data yet, but if you think it can be helpful with your mission, I can transfer it all to you right now."

"Did anyone see you? What was Cerberus doing in a small town in... which country was that again? It could a be trap," Jarell said.

"Barbados," Adams replied. "No one saw me; I'm sure of it. The shuttle's passengers were just a headhunter and her bodyguard. They came here to recruit me, but I only found out about that half an hour later, when I got home and they were there waiting for me."

"We need to know everything they told you. Word for word. And send over the data you got from their shuttle," Riley ordered.

"Yes, ma'am. But they didn't tell me much. They offered me a generous salary and showed me holos of a ship they're developing. They said it's ready for shakedown, though it's hard to believe they could really build such a ship."

"Why is that, Adams?" Kaidan asked.

"It looks like an enhanced version of the Normandy. Twice the size of the original and with better performance, or so they claim. How could they build a Tantalus drive core big enough and yet stable enough to safely power a ship that size? The best human and turian engineers combined couldn't figure that out. And it's not economically viable either."

Kaidan needed a moment to digest that piece of information. So the enemy had a ship like the Normandy, was recruiting the surviving crew of the original Normandy, and could also be in possession of Commander Shepard's body, perhaps even a clone of her. This couldn't be real; it had to be some kind of nightmare — one especially tailored to haunt him, nevertheless.

"There's one more thing," Adams said, a hesitant look on his face.

"Just spit it out, lieutenant." Jarell sounded impatient and Riley shot him a stern glare, mouthing at him to tone it down.

"Some of our people might have joined up with them," Adams said, his eyes on Kaidan.

"So I've heard," Alenko replied.

"Dr. Chakwas... she was the one who wanted Cerberus to recruit me."

Why would Chakwas not only leave the Alliance and join up with the enemy, but also try to get other Alliance officers to defect, too? It didn't add up. She didn't seem like the kind of person who was in this for the money. Either Kaidan didn't know her at all, or there was an essential piece of this puzzle missing. The same could be said about Joker, too.

"Did they at any point threaten you or your family to get you to their side?" he asked Adams.

"No. It really was just an offer. I myself was surprised."

"I'm running a covert operation, Adams. You understand that secrecy is paramount here, right?" Riley said.

"Yes, ma'am."

"All right. I believe your data will be of great help. Good work, lieutenant."

"Thank you, ma'am."

She gave him a nod. "If you remember anything else, come straight to us. Riley out." As she turned off the comm, she came closer to Kaidan, who was already pulling up the data on the comm room terminal. "Think we can get anything from it?"

"I hope so, but it's going to take time to crack the encryption."

Riley took a seat beside him. "I can help."

"I'm going to make us some coffee," Jarell said, leaving the tech work to the engineer and the sentinel.

* * *

June 10th, 2185

"It seems the shuttle's entire navigation history is in here," Kaidan said. After a day's work, he and Riley had finally broken the encryption on the data from the Cerberus shuttle.

Jarell came over, his eyes widening as he looked at the screen. "There are hundreds of coordinates. It'll take us months to check all of these."

"We can rule out some of the locations they've been to, such as Adams' hometown in Barbados, and then travel to the remaining ones. One of them could be a Cerberus base, maybe even the one where this Lazarus Project is being held," Riley said.

Feeling tired and disheartened, Kaidan rubbed at his eyes. "Even if we filter out the less probable locations for Cerberus to be hiding a secret facility, it'll still take us months to check all of these coordinates. There are four years worth of traveling in these logs."

Riley put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't give up, commander. We're much closer now than we were yesterday."

"I'm not giving up. I'm just worried that, when we finally find anything, it might be too late."

* * *

June 21st, 2185

" _Shepard_."

Someone was calling her. The tone was urgent, but the voice seemed to be too far away.

" _Commander Shepard, do you hear me? Wake up._ "

She wanted to get up. Whoever was calling sounded like they needed her, but her body did not respond.

" _Commander Shepard!_ "

She tried to reply, but as she opened her mouth, she gasped for air instead, inhaling a breath so deep and sharp, it caused her to choke. The effort to cough it out forced her body to move and every part of her hurt. Her eyelids felt like they were glued shut and she had to make a conscious effort to open her eyes. The cold white light that met her was blinding, and when she tried to use her arms to shield herself from the brightness, they fell on her face, sluggish and uncoordinated as if she had slept on top of them the whole night.

" _Shepard, get out of the bed now! This facility is under attack._ "

That urgent voice was calling her again. It sounded familiar, but somehow it didn't bring her any memories. How could something be familiar when she couldn't associate it with anything at all?

" _Shepard!_ "

She fell to the floor as she tried to stand, her knees buckling under her own weight. Realizing she was naked, she pulled the sheet that had been covering her on the gurney.

What was happening? Was she at a hospital? As she glanced around, panic started to rise in the pit of her stomach — the place looked more like a lab than a hospital. Immediately, she touched her headjack. It was still there, but it felt different somehow. The skin around it was smooth as if that crappy Antares amp had never been fried in there once.

" _Commander, there's a pistol in the locker to your left. Hurry!_ "

A pistol? What about her armor and amp?

She opened the cabinet as the voice had instructed her and found a lab coat with the name  _Lawson_  embroidered above the breast pocket. It didn't offer any protection and barely covered her ass, but it was better than tying the sheet around her torso, so she took it. Beneath the lab coat there was the gun the voice had mentioned.

Mechs came into the room and started shooting at her. Clumsily, she ran to hide behind cover. Her limbs were still feeling weird, heavy and inept.

She needed to get herself together or these mechs would kill her before her thirst. And hunger. God, she was starving.

Popping out of cover, she took the first one down. It took more shots than it should for an N7 to deal with such a basic model of security mech. This could only mean one thing: She was rusty. For exactly how long had she been unconscious in this lab?

After she cleared the area, she wondered if the voice speaking to her could also hear her; she had so many questions. The most important one right now was where she could find water.

Her attempt at asking sounded like a low and rough growl. She was so parched, it was hard to speak loud and clear. Giving up talking for the time being, she moved on to the next room. She couldn't use her biotics, starved as she was, or she might collapse. The pistol would have to do.

* * *

This was just the second set of coordinates that they were checking, but it seemed they might have already found what they were looking for.

The space station was definitely a Cerberus facility. Shuttles with their insignia were zooming out as Harrison brought the SSV Trafalgar closer to the docking area.

"There's something wrong here," Captain Riley said. "Turner, Alenko, we're taking the Kodiak down. Tell the marine detail to get ready in full assault gear. Harrison, keep the ship at a safe distance and standby for orders. Let's move."

Riley and her team found a station in chaos. They wouldn't have been able to dock there completely unopposed otherwise. Shots were ringing around them as men and women in Cerberus colors ran for their lives, pursued by hostile security mechs. The humans were being massacred.

"Engage the mechs only," Riley instructed her team.

The further they advanced into the facility, the marines were finding only corpses. There were no more survivors and the dead were mostly unarmed people in lab coats.

"What do you think happened here?" Kaidan asked.

"Mechs went rogue. Caught the people by surprise," Jarell said.

"Yeah, but why? What caused the mechs to turn on the people they should be protecting?"

"After we clear the station, we'll check the computers and see what we can find out. And if there are any survivors, we'll bring them in and interrogate them," Riley said.

* * *

Kaidan had the chance to access only one log from the Lazarus Project before all the data on the computers was wiped out remotely and power was shut down in the entire station.

" _Test Subject has been recovered, but the damage is far worse than we initially feared. In addition to the expected burns and internal injuries from the explosion, subject has suffered significant cellular breakdown due to long-term exposure to vacuum and sub-zero temperatures. Despite the extent of the physical trauma, Wilson assures me the subject is salvageable. The Lazarus Project will proceed as planned."_

It was about Shepard. It had to be. She was the  _Test Subject_  the woman in the log was talking about. It all fit. Anderson's theory was on point. Cerberus had recovered Shepard's body and they might already have a clone of her walking around. Kaidan couldn't help thinking that he would inevitably run into it. She would look the same, but it wouldn't be her. She wouldn't remember him or their history. She would be working for the enemy and he would have to take her down. Having to shoot her — that would kill him, assuming she didn't shoot him first.

Joker and Chakwas would know the difference between the real Shepard and an impostor. A clone wouldn't fool them. So why would they agree to this? Why would they quit the Alliance for a clone bred by the enemy? It didn't make sense. Unless...

"Shore party, do you read?" It was Harrison on the comm and she sounded worried.

"Lieutenant, this is the captain speaking," Riley replied. "What's going on?"

"Captain, you need to get out of there right now. We've just intercepted communications from a Cerberus shuttle. They're going to blow up the station."

"Shit!" Riley turned to her team. "Everyone back to the Kodiak now. On the double."

* * *

As they watched the Lazarus Research Station falling apart from the safety of the Trafalgar, Riley came over to stand next to Kaidan and Jarell. The former looked miserable while the latter was cursing, and when he threw a punch at the wall, she put a hand on his shoulder to calm him down.

"I'm sorry," she told the men. "I know you wanted to sweep the place and find out what exactly Cerberus was doing there."

Kaidan sighed. "They were the ones who leaked the information about Project Lazarus. Why would they destroy the facility? Don't they want people to know that they have Shepard?"

"We don't know for sure if they have her."

"That log was about her. Her body. I… I know it was."

"Maybe they destroyed the station so no one would make use of the technology and research from the project," Jarell said.

"Yeah, but cloning? It isn't worth anything; it's no secret." Kaidan dragged his fingers through his hair in frustration. The essential element for all this to make sense was still missing and a clone of Commander Shepard was not looking like a good enough explanation for everything that was happening.

* * *

"Shepard, you have to let me take a look at your wounds."

"Miranda is right, Commander," Jacob said.

"You're Cerberus. You're not touching me." Shepard held up her pistol, her aim wavering between Lawson and Taylor.

Miranda pulled up her barrier, but looked otherwise unaffected by the Commander's threats. If anything, she seemed bored. "I rebuilt you. I know your body better than anyone, including yourself."

Shepard shuddered to think about that. It was so damn creepy.

"Commander, you're bleeding. Let her help you. The Illusive Man spared no expense to bring you back and Miranda dedicated two years of her life to you. We're not your enemy." Jacob was trying to reason with her and she hated that he was making sense.

She lowered her gun, but did not put it down. At least for the time being she would have to accept their help. There was nothing she could do right now considering that she didn't know where she was, all she had on was a lab coat, and her only weapon was a pistol with a half-spent thermal clip. "Fine, but you'll have to answer all my questions. And be honest. If I find out you lied to me, I'll –"

"Commander, I understand this can't be easy for you, but I promised you I'd tell everything you want to know and I will. You can trust me," Jacob said and Miranda shot him an annoyed sideways glance.

"All right." Shepard took a seat in the medbay and Miranda approached her. "Where are we?"  _Where's my crew? Did they make it out of the Normandy alive? What happened in the last two years? How did you rebuild me? Why? Am I the same? What do you want from me? Where's Kaidan? Tali? Wrex? Liara? Garrus? Joker?_ She had a lot of questions. If Jacob was being truthful when he'd said he would tell her everything, then they would be there for a long time.

* * *

June 24th, 2185

Lisa couldn't wait to get out of that Cerberus armor. It was the only set they had available at the auxiliary Cerberus base they were staying at after having fled the Lazarus station. She had been out of her coma for three days now and she'd barely had a moment to rest. But, after what she had seen on Freedom's Progress, she'd begun to understand the urgency of their mission and why a human supremacist group like Cerberus would be worried about that situation. She'd rather investigate these abductions under the Alliance flag, but it seemed that for time being she'd have to resign herself to working with Cerberus. The Alliance had been nowhere to be seen on Freedom's Progress and, up to now, she hadn't had a chance to contact them. Tali had been at the colony with a squad of quarian soldiers to find one of their own, but there hadn't been any sign of the Alliance to find over a thousand of theirs. Why weren't they doing anything? They should at least be investigating.

She set down her helmet after yet another contentious chat with The Illusive Man, and rubbed her scalp with her gloved fingers. Her hair was even shorter than she used to keep it; it would need around three weeks to get back to the usual length. That had never been a great concern of hers, but now she had been feeling… wrong. The only mirrors at the base were in the bathrooms, but at the same time their location made it hard to avoid them completely. Whenever she spared a glance at her reflection, she would feel disturbed. The scar on her cheek was gone, her skin smooth as a baby's. There were some new marks throughout her body, though — skin grafts that were still growing and mending. They looked weird and unnatural and reminded her of Frankenstein's monster. That was what she was, wasn't it? The Cerberus' monster? Her eyes didn't help. There was this bizarre red glint in them that was a dead giveaway of her reconstruction. They weren't real and they made her wonder if the same could be said about herself. How much of her was real? She was actually thankful for the bullet that had grazed her arm back at the Lazarus station. At least it had hurt and she had bled red; those meant two notches on the 'human' side of the 'human vs synthetic' scoreboard she'd been keeping in her head ever since learning she had been brought back to life by a Cerberus cell.

That was why her hair length suddenly mattered so much; she wanted to recognize herself in the mirror, she wanted to feel right again, and she would take anything she could get.

"Hey, Commander! Just like old ti–"

"Joker!" Shepard cut him off, eyes wide in horror, and grabbed him by the collar of his uniform, shoving him into a dark corner.

"Ouch!"

"Why are you here? Are they forcing you? Are they threatening your family? I'll take care of it. We'll make them pay."

"Commander, it's fine." The pilot began to carefully pry her fingers open so she would release her grip on him. "I chose to be here. The Alliance grounded me after the… you know, the crash. Cerberus let me fly, they're helping me with my brittle bones and they… they saved you."

She released him and made a gesture with her head for him to follow her. " _They_  are watching, so you're afraid to talk. I get it," she whispered. "Next time we go groundside, you're coming with me. I'll make sure you're safe and then you can tell me what are they doing to keep you here."

"Shepard," Joker started, but Miranda fell into step with them and didn't let him finish.

"Commander, he's a helmsman with Vrolik's syndrome. He's not a field operative. We're not bringing him groundside. It's not safe."

Shepard shot the other woman a piercing glare. "Were you eavesdropping on us, Lawson?"

"I won't just sit here and watch you jeopardize everything we've worked for in the past two years over some petty grudge you have against Cerberus."

"'Petty grudge'? It was just a few weeks ago for me that the Normandy was being lured to thresher maw nests and we were following your trail of dead marines."

"That was not us, Commander. The Lazarus cell was never involved in that sort of operation."

"Commander, listen," Joker said, "it's gonna be fine. I chose to be here and now you're here, too, and we've got each other's backs."

Shepard nodded, a tad less agitated.

"And there's also this," Joker said, leading her to the docking bay.

Her mouth fell open at the sight of a brand-new ship that looked a lot like the Normandy, only bigger.

"We'll be flying around in style, Commander. C'mon, I'll give you a tour."

"How about you let me do that, Joker, and you can go sit at the helm and rest your legs," Dr. Chakwas said, meeting them at the airlock.

Lisa was relieved to see another friendly face there, but she was also upset to find out Joker wasn't the only one of her former crew to abandon the Alliance for Cerberus. "Dr. Chakwas? They got you, too?"

"Come, Commander. We have much to talk about."

* * *

The last stop on their tour of the ship was the captain's quarters. Chakwas went in after Shepard and waited by the steps while the Commander checked the room out.

"This," Shepard waved her arms around and stopped in front of the aquarium, "is ridiculous."

"It was Joker's idea. He was pulling a prank on Miss Lawson, but it seems she took it seriously." Chakwas went over to stand at Shepard's side. "I know it's hard to believe, Commander, but Cerberus really wants you to succeed. They spared no expense so you could have the best treatment, the best ship, and the best gear." With that, the doctor took an amp box out of her pocket.

Shepard ran her fingers over her headjack. "Something feels different about my biotics."

"That's expected. They gave you new implants: the L5x — it's specific for field biotic soldiers with adept training. That was why I got your new amp from the armory. I wanted to be around the first time you put it in to make sure that everything would be fine."

Shepard gave the doctor a nod in appreciation for her care and took the box. "Don't stand too close."

As Chakwas backed off a few steps, Shepard slid the amp into her headjack. The sudden activation of her implants as they connected to the amp felt like being shocked and made her squirm. Dark energy built up incredibly fast and, to not risk overloading the amp, she released this initial burst of energy through a barrier. After this first discharge, channeling and controlling her biotics felt easier than it had ever been. The new implants made the whole process smoother somehow.

For the first time since she had woken up, something felt right.

* * *

June 30th, 2185

"Alenko, you're here. Good. I was about to send you this vid Denise got just a few minutes ago."

"Hey, Ludmila. Can it wait? Captain Anderson is expecting me."

"I know, but I think you'll want to see this before you go in there. The captain will probably be interested, too."

Kaidan watched the video, unblinking even when he heard her voice and everything suddenly became too real. "When did she record this?"

"I just told you: a few minutes ago."

Kaidan played the vid again. It showed Shepard or maybe her clone going through customs at the Citadel. When the scanners recognized her as a dead person, she asked for the records to be changed and her status to be updated.

Dragging Ludmila with him, Kaidan went into Anderson's office to show him the video. While Kaidan's mind was in complete turmoil, the captain seemed unaffected by the footage.

"Thank you, Ludmila. You can go now," Anderson said and as she walked out, he offered Kaidan a chair.

The captain started briefing Kaidan on his next assignment as if they hadn't just watched a dead woman walking. The whole time Kaidan could barely make sense of whatever it was that Anderson was saying.

"Alenko, are you listening?"

"Sir, she's here. We need to find her."

"We don't know if it's really her. This could be dangerous, Alenko. Plus, I already gave you an assignment. Go meet your team and get ready. The cruiser that'll take you to the Terminus leaves in the morning."

Kaidan thought that there was something off with Anderson, but didn't press it. The faster he left that office, the longer he would have to find Shepard or whatever that thing wearing her face was.

"Denise is still posted at customs, right? That's how she got this footage?" he asked Ludmila once he was outside Anderson's office.

"Yeah. Why?"

"The scan recognized Shepard. I need to see those readings. Do you think Denise can get them for me?"

"I'll ask her and tell her to send the file to your tool."

"Thanks."

He was turning to leave when Ludmila stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, if you want to talk or if you need anything, I'm here."

Kaidan gave her a nod, acknowledging her offer. "Just get me that data."


	54. Out There

July 1st, 2185

As the first light from the morning cycle came in through the window, Kaidan slung his duffel bag across his shoulder, ready to leave.

He had spent the day before chasing Shepard around on the Citadel, wanting to find her, but not ready to confront her. For all the people who had said they had 'just' seen her and that she had left 'minutes ago', he could tell that he had been close. Really close. Had he tried a little harder, he might've actually met her face-to-face. But, after two years and the certainty that she had died over Alchera, he didn't want to jump blindly at the chance to be reunited with her.

She could be a clone and not recognize him. Or maybe she would, but just because she had been briefed about him as part of her training to fool people into believing she was the real Commander Shepard. What would he do then? Walk away? Expose her? Fight her? No matter what he chose, only pain would come from it.

She could be an advanced AI engineered by Cerberus scientists and completely under their control, which meant she could be hostile on sight against an Alliance officer like him. What would he do then? Was he capable of shooting her or would she kill him first?

It seemed unlikely, and it was naïve of him to even consider this possibility, but he couldn't stop himself from going there: She could be the real Shepard; the woman he had loved for most of his life, exactly like she used to be and somehow back from dead. What would he do then? Would he even believe her if she told him that? Would he demand proof and taint their relationship with mistrust? After two years, what relationship was there between them anyway? She might not even care about him anymore, considering that she was alive but hadn't tried to contact him.

These were just part of the reason why he wasn't ready to meet and confront her yet. He needed to know more about her so he could at least try to prepare himself for their inevitable encounter. The data from the scanners that had recognized her would help him with that; their readings might give him some clue as to the nature of this being with Shepard's face.

* * *

Shepard went to the gym on the Normandy. Maybe the punching bag would work to relieve her frustrations from her meeting with the Council. And Anderson.

He didn't trust her; she could tell from the way he'd avoided giving her any relevant information about anything and refused to help her contact Kaidan. She understood his caution, but that didn't mean she didn't feel bitter about it.

Walking around in Cerberus gear and with two Cerberus operatives shadowing her at all times hadn't helped her case. She had just recruited Kasumi Goto, so maybe now she could convince Lawson and Taylor to not tag along every single time she stepped off the ship.

Taylor had reassured her that she was in charge of their mission and that they wouldn't second-guess her, but she couldn't simply believe him. She had to see it for herself. So, when Miranda had said they should go to Omega first and pick up the salarian doctor — the same course of action suggested by the Illusive Man — Shepard had ordered Joker to the Citadel instead.

Miranda had looked slightly offended that her advice had been ignored, but she had not challenged the commander's orders. No one had, which was a good sign, but it was not enough for Shepard to fully trust her new team. She would have to push them further.

"Joker, head to the Imir System. I want to pick up the krogan," she said on the intercom.

"Aye aye, commander," the pilot replied.

After only a few seconds, EDI popped out from the nearest console. "Commander, operative Lawson wishes to speak with you."

Time to see who was really in charge. "Tell her she can meet me in the gym."

Miranda was down there in an instant. To Shepard's surprise, she again tried to make her case as to why picking up the salarian doctor should be their priority. Shepard's authority was never threatened. Miranda might not agree with her, but wouldn't overrule her either.

"As soon as we have the krogan, we'll head to Omega," Shepard said, and Miranda accepted it without further discussion.

That eased the commander's worries about the Cerberus crew accepting her authority. It didn't convince her they could be trusted, though. There's was only so much of this journey that she could take along with Cerberus. Their ways were too different, if not opposing, and they would part sooner rather than later. Right now, she was sure most of this crew would sell her out to the Illusive Man in a heartbeat. She needed to start working on that. She needed to gain their loyalty.

* * *

July 3rd, 2185

On his first night on Horizon, instead of getting any sleep, Kaidan went over the readings from the Citadel Customs scan that Denise had sent him and compared them with the feed from Shepard's suit from back when he had served under her. After their mission on Eden Prime, he had asked her to link her suit to his tool. Her stats from their whole tour had been recorded and he had never deleted that data. He hadn't given it another look; not after her death, and not until now.

Everything about this 'new' Shepard was off. Nothing checked out with her average results from two years ago. Wouldn't a clone get more similar results? Or was she something else entirely? The most appalling data was the amount of synthetic materials underneath her skin that had been revealed by the full-body scan on the Citadel. Cerberus could have enhanced a clone with cybernetics, but why use it so erratically, like on one of her shoulders but not on the other?

Even odder, the shoulder with cybernetics was the one that had gotten shot when she was sixteen — the one that was always causing her discomfort and that she always rolled. It looked like they had fixed the muscle damage caused by the bullet. The same could be said about the cheek where she used to have a scar. The cybernetics in her face were specifically to fix the nerve damage that caused her mouth to crook to the right whenever she talked or smiled.

It was as if that was not a clone, but the real Shepard, somehow 'fixed' and resurrected.

Kaidan rubbed at his eyes and shook his head. That was impossible. His exhaustion must be keeping him from thinking straight. Synthetic components were all over the place in that impostor's body, like in her knees and spine, too. It was naïve of him to focus on her cheek and shoulder, hoping to find the woman he loved in that thing created by Cerberus. Even her eyeballs were synthetic implants, like the ones used on patients that were not born blind, but had lost their sight due to some accident.

Damn it. Why would a newly bred clone need those? It didn't add up.

* * *

July 9th, 2185

After recruiting the doctor, Shepard did not return to the ship. She told Grunt and Kasumi to accompany Mordin to the Normandy while she waited at Afterlife for Chakwas and Joker to join her. She finally had a moment of freedom, groundside for the first time without any Cerberus operatives breathing down her neck. It was her chance to take care of a few personal matters.

Once they arrived, she started. "I need more people I can trust aboard my ship. If you know how to find them, now is the time to tell me."

"I'm sorry, commander. I tried to get Adams to join, but he refused," Chakwas said.

"I don't blame him. I'd like to have my old ground team back, but asking them to work with the enemy... it's too much." Shepard muttered a curse under her breath. She shouldn't even want anyone of her old team back. Joining up with Cerberus would make them criminals and ruin their careers. They deserved better.

"Zaeed and Kasumi, you don't think you can trust them? At least they're not Cerberus," Joker said.

"They were hired by the Illusive Man to join my crew. This is just another job for them. And Grunt wasn't even given an option; he was  _born_ on my ship. Wrex, Liara, Tali, and Garrus joined me last time because they believed in what we were fighting for. It's different than doing it for a big paycheck or because you have nowhere else to go."

Joker fidgeted in his chair, uncomfortable and a bit anxious, too. "It all fell apart after you died, commander. I don't know if we can bring them back. I don't even know how to find them."

"Hey," Shepard put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it lightly, "it's fine. I'll figure it out."

"Yeah, of course you will. But you shouldn't have to."

His snappy tone caused Shepard to furrow her eyebrows in worry. "Joker, nothing that is happening is your fault. I don't want you to feel guilty. That was not why I called you here. You're here because you're the only ones I trust on the Normandy right now," Shepard told him and Chakwas.

Chakwas gave her a nod. "Maybe there's someone in the Alliance that I could help you contact, commander. I did not sever my ties with them."

"There is. Isabella Barone — the requisitions officer at the  _vila militar_  in Rio. Do you think you can get me in touch with her?"

The doctor seemed surprised by that request. "I'll see what I can do."

"And Kaidan Alenko..."

"Well," Chakwas gave her a knowing smirk, "it took you long enough."

* * *

Shepard remained ashore on Omega after Chakwas and Joker went back to the ship. She had gotten a message from Yeoman Chambers saying that Zaeed and Mordin were already settled in, but other than that there hadn't been any contact from the Cerberus crew.

Like a leashed wild animal that suddenly realized its leash was loose, her first thought was of running away. Back to the Alliance — her _natural habitat_. The problem was that no one seemed to want her there, not even Anderson. Her forced ties with Cerberus appeared to have sealed her fate as an outcast and a criminal.

She was alive, yes, but if she tried to claim her old life back, she would only cause problems to the people she loved. How would she explain to her foster parents that she worked with Cerberus now? Commander Alenko would never accept that. He would see her as a defector.

And Kaidan had probably moved on by now. Even if he hadn't and wanted her back, how were they going to make it work when she was in bed with the enemy? Not to mention that it would be really bad for his career if he started fraternizing with the people he was supposed to be fighting against.

Emily, perhaps, would accept her and what she had become, but Shepard had been too much of a coward to visit her back on the Citadel. Emily was too nice, too sweet, too good of a friend. She would want to talk about and understand what had happened. Shepard wasn't ready for it.

Running away was not a viable option. Not only did she not have anywhere to go, but she couldn't abandon Chakwas and Joker on a Cerberus vessel either.

With no money of her own, no home, and not even her old tool with her contacts, it seemed this was it for her. Cerberus had revived her and she would die as their agent.

"I want the strongest thing you have," she told one of the bartenders at Afterlife. This felt like the right moment for her first drink after waking up.

* * *

July 10th, 2185

Squinting her eyes, Shepard tried to figure out where she was. There was a blue hand reaching out to pull her up. "Liara?" She heard a cold, hard laugh and the hand was gone. "Aria," she sighed, disappointed.

"On your feet, Shepard."

"Where am I?"

"In my home."

Shepard hastily got up, her head feeling like it weighed a ton. "What happened? Why am I here?" She only remembered having one drink. Someone must have drugged her.

"One of my bartenders tried to kill you," Aria said casually. "I've already dealt with him. Killing customers is bad for business."

"Uh... thanks?"

"I gave you information on Archangel and just saved your life, some would say you owe me a few favors."

Shepard raised one eyebrow in suspicion. "Some? Not you?"

"Please, Shepard. Look around you. Does it look like I need any favors from you?"

Aria's place was an ample loft with high ceiling, walls decorated with pretentious black-and-white photography, and furnished with designer pieces that looked impractical and uncomfortable. No wonder she was always on her couch in Afterlife. "Whatever, Aria. I have to go."

"Just remember you're in my debt," she said as Shepard was about to leave.

"I thought you didn't need anything."

"That's because I don't ask for favors, commander. I make demands. Keep that in mind the next time I summon you to my club."

"Fuck," Shepard muttered as she left. This hole she had gotten herself into kept getting deeper and it didn't look like there was a way out anymore. Her people were now hired mercs and thieves, Cerberus terrorists and pirate queens.

Her omni-tool was giving her alerts for unread messages and missed calls; her Cerberus babysitters were probably worried that she might have bailed on them. She was already at the docks, so she decided not to answer them. They could panic for two more minutes until she got to the ship.

That was when she noticed the commotion in the area. Shuttles packed with hired guns were taking off in great numbers. The assault on Archangel's base was today; she couldn't miss it. She was tired, her head hurt, her ammo was depleted, and the armor plating on her right arm needed repairing after a missile had exploded a bit too close to her yesterday. Whatever. She had fought in worse conditions than this. Without giving it a second thought, she signed up with a Blue Suns merc and hopped on a shuttle to their rallying point.

* * *

"So?" Miranda asked Jacob when he returned to the ship with Kasumi and Zaeed. Shepard wasn't with them, so she knew things hadn't gone well. Right now she was just hoping they hadn't found the commander's body in a ditch somewhere.

"Nothing."

"I should've implanted her with a tracker."

"I'm surprised that you didn't," Jacob said.

"The Illusive Man thought tracking her through her suit and omni-tool would be enough."

"She's just momentarily offline," Kasumi said. "Soon her tool will find a network to log in to and we'll be able to locate her."

"The last records show her at the docks. She could be in transit to anywhere right now. For all we know, she could've destroyed her suit and tool so we wouldn't find her."

"She's logged in. I have her location," EDI announced, causing Miranda to sigh in relief.

Kasumi shrugged, unworried. "See?"

"EDI, where is she?" Miranda asked.

"At the building known to be Archangel's base. I'm picking up two hundred and fifty-two enemy signatures surrounding the area. "

Miranda should've known her feeling of relief would be short-lived; Spectres and N7s were always trouble and Shepard was both. "Suit up, everyone. I want all hands on deck for this. Let's go get our commander back."

* * *

The body count on the way to Archangel's base was immense. Miranda and the rest of the team picked off a few stragglers, but most of the work there had been done already.

"Gunship!" Jacob yelled.

"Everyone take cover," Miranda ordered.

"Everyone return fire. Let's take it down," Zaeed said as if he were the one giving the orders.

A missile flew out from the upper level to explode at the gunship hull. "Look! Shepard must be up there," Kasumi said before activating her tactical cloak and disappearing.

"Shepurd!" Grunt stormed off, calling for the commander.

Miranda shook her head. This was an undisciplined crew, formed by people more used to working alone — and a newborn krogan. They would never beat the Collectors like this.

"Orders?" Jacob asked. As she had commanded, he and Mordin had taken cover and were waiting for her next instructions. That gave her a tiny bit of hope. And, it seemed that at least Kasumi and Grunt had taken a liking to Shepard already, which was… something. But there was still a long way to go until they turned this mess into a cohesive and effective team.

* * *

Covered in turian blood, sweat dripping down her face, Shepard grabbed Mordin by the collar. "Do something!"

The fury in her tone was not enough to throw Miranda off. She saw the despair the commander was trying to mask with her bad attitude. Shepard must've known this turian from before. Could he be the one that had fought with her on the first Normandy?

Mordin stabilized Archangel and asked the others to find them transportation to his clinic.

"Right outside, doc," Kasumi said. While everyone else had been distracted, she had broken into and hotwired a shuttle from one of the merc groups.

Mordin's assistant, Daniel, was already waiting for them when they arrived at the clinic and, as they rushed the turian inside, Shepard and her team settled in the waiting room.

Miranda hoped they could save the turian. If this was Garrus Vakarian, he could work as a stabilizing element for the commander. Physically, she had never been better; Miranda had made sure of it during the reconstruction. Her mental state, on the other hand, might have been overlooked. Discovering that she had lost two years of her life, that everything had changed and her friends had moved on, and then getting tasked with saving humanity and being thrown right back into action without having time to process any of that — it could not have been easy. People have lost their minds over much less. Shepard would need to reconnect with her loved ones somehow and find something to live for. Their mission was too important for them to take any chances with an unstable commander, who could at any minute run off alone into danger and get herself killed again.

* * *

July 12th, 2185

"Lilith? Shouldn't you be at the harvest festival?" Kaidan wasn't expecting anyone to come knocking on his door tonight. Or any other night. The colonists on Horizon had made it clear that they did not want Alliance officers there. But, to be fair, Lilith had been the one person who had always been kind to him. She was an engineer and was helping with the assembly of the AA Guns.

She smiled, her cheeks blushing slightly. "I brought you dinner. You didn't come over for the festival and I thought you might be hungry."

"Thanks." He was starving and was glad he wouldn't have to cook tonight.

"Why didn't you come? Were you busy? Are we behind schedule with the guns?"

"No. It's not that." Sighing, Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't think anyone would want to see me there."

"Hm. I know at least one person who would've liked it if you had come," she said, the look on her face making it clear that she was talking about herself.

"Maybe next time," he replied with a small smile.

"Wow. I think this is the first time I've seen you smile. Perhaps I should bring you food more often."

Were they flirting? The thought of that made him instantly uncomfortable and he suddenly didn't know what to say anymore. "Lilith, I… Uh, I'm turning in early tonight, so… see you tomorrow?" He walked her to the door. "Thanks again for the food."

Lilith was nice, smart, pretty, and available. Had this happened a month ago, Kaidan would've asked her out on a date. But all it took was someone with Shepard's face to be spotted here and there, and now he couldn't even flirt with anyone else anymore. He was back at square one, where the only woman he wanted was one that he could never again have.

* * *

July 18th, 2185

Doctors Chakwas and Mordin had finally cleared Garrus for action after he had gotten hit by a rocket on Omega, and he was going to need a new set of armor. Jack, too, since she had come on board with nothing but her prison uniform. So, Shepard decided to stop by the Citadel again and go shopping.

This time, she brought her whole ground team along — even the Cerberus operatives. After they had come to help her and Garrus escape his hideout on Omega, she had begun to appreciate them more. They might be Cerberus, but that didn't mean they were evil terrorists. They were... people; with qualities, weaknesses, fears, and worries, just like everyone else. Miranda was a good leader; determined, smart, and confident. After Shepard had run off alone to recruit Archangel, something had changed and Miranda had become a lot nicer and more open to dialogue. Perhaps she was just afraid to lose Cerberus' billion-credit investment — her faith in the organization and loyalty to the Illusive Man remained strong and unwavering — but Shepard was sure Lawson would do anything for the mission and that meant Shepard could trust her as XO and second in command.

Now, Jacob was a true soldier; focused, reliable, and grounded. Shepard was starting to like him. They had a lot in common and she felt that if she survived this mission and got to a point where she no longer needed Cerberus, he would follow her. He had a good head on his shoulders and an infamous organization like Cerberus was no place for someone like him.

It wasn't just about Lawson and Taylor; Shepard was feeling better about herself, too. After running various tests, Dr. Chakwas had given her the full scope on her condition. She was relieved to learn that Miranda hadn't done any unnecessary changes to her body. The replacement and mending of organic tissue with synthetic 'spare parts' had been done solely where the damage had been absolutely irreparable. The bone and muscle weaves had been necessary, so her body could better sustain its new synthetic parts. There were no bugs, trackers, control chips, or kill-switches inside her.

The same couldn't be said about the Normandy, though. Mordin had found a few bugs in the research lab, so Shepard had asked him to do a full sweep of the ship. He was taking care of it now, with Joker's help, while the others were ashore.

Feeling for the first time since her resurrection that she was in control, she decided it was finally safe enough for her to contact the people she cared about and let them know she was alive. So, once she and the team were done shopping, she gave them the rest of the day off and headed to Emily's apartment. That felt like the right place to start.

She was a mere block away from her destination when she was ambushed. Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani appeared as if out of nowhere and cornered her. "I'm here at the Citadel with Commander Shepard, who has just resurfaced after two years off the grid. Why did the Alliance have the public believe you were dead, commander?"

It was a live broadcast. Even if Shepard ran away now, her face would still be out there for everyone to see. This was not how she wanted her friends to find out she was alive. "Miss Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani," she said, trying to buy herself some extra time to think about the best way to answer the question. She didn't want to make the Alliance look bad, nor did she want to mention Cerberus at all. "When the Normandy was destroyed, I was spaced. The Alliance didn't know I'd been rescued and it was uncertain if my full recovery would be possible. It's been only a few days since I've regained conscious."

"So you're not an Alliance officer anymore?"

"Not at the moment. No."

"Then I believe it would be no problem for you to disclose what really happened at the Battle of the Citadel. Sources claim that though Admiral Hackett gave the order for the fleet to assist the Destiny Ascension, you were the one who opened the relays, making it possible for the human fleet to reach them in time. Can you confirm that?"

"Yes." Shepard remembered that day as if it were yesterday. She had been relieved that Hackett had been there to make that choice and give the order for the fleet to save the Destiny Ascension. It was the right thing to do, though she wasn't sure if she would've done it, had it fallen to her. The political gain of having all the councilors owing their lives to the Alliance had been enormous. The very next day, they had granted humanity a seat on the Council. It was exactly what the Alliance had wanted but, for Shepard, it had soured her victory. Hundreds of human lives sacrificed for political gain — that was what it had felt like for her. After the memorial for the fallen soldiers, she had destroyed the Ascension. Not the real one, but the model one Kaidan had given her on her first day in command of the Normandy. It hadn't made her feel that much better, though.

Al-Jilani wouldn't let her get away with such a short answer. "This decision cost hundreds of human lives and secured the continued dominance of the Citadel Council. Do you think –"

"The turians lost twenty cruisers in the battle. Figure each had a crew of three hundred. The Destiny Ascension had a crew of nearly ten thousand. Saving them was the right call."

"But surely the human cost –"

"The Alliance lost eight cruisers. Shenyang, Emden, Jakarta, Cairo, Seoul, Cape Town, Warsaw, and Madrid — I remember them all. Everyone in the Fifth Fleet is a hero. The Alliance owes them all medals. The Council owes them a lot more than that. And so do you." With that, Shepard walked away. There was no way she was granting Al-Jilani the satisfaction of asking her anymore trick questions.

The problem was that her face was out there now. The Alenkos, Kaidan, Emily, Jarell — they would learn that she was alive from the news. It wasn't fair to them. The rest of the way to Emily's, she ran. She wanted to get there as fast as she could and contact them.

As she was about to knock, the scan recognized her and the door unlocked. It seemed Emily hadn't bothered to revoke her permission to go in after she had died.

Her friend wasn't home, but Shepard decided to stay until she came back. In the meantime, she could use Emily's terminal. She didn't trust the ones on her ship or even her omni-tool; Cerberus surely was monitoring those.

First, she tried to reach Kaidan several times, but got no answer. The contact Chakwas had given her could be outdated. Or he could be in the middle of a mission and calls to his tool were disabled. Or maybe he was out of reach of any comm buoys. She would try again later, after she talked to the others.

The Alenkos were next. She made the call, hoping that Barbra could be found under the same user ID she remembered.

"Mrs. Alenko?"

"Jane? Oh, my God! Is this a recording?"

"No. It's me. I…" Shepard smiled awkwardly. "I'm alive."

"Rylan, come over here now," Barbra called, her eyes already filling with tears as she looked back at Shepard. "How? Does Kaidan know? Is he with you? Why didn't you tell us? You're part of our family. Losing you was so hard on us. Kaidan was devastated."

"Barb, you won't believe who I've just seen on TV," Rylan said as he came in.

His wife smiled at him through her tears. "Was it Jane?"

"Yes." He looked at Shepard on the screen, his eyes narrowing in suspicion. "We were told you were dead. There was a memorial in your honor."

"It was so sad and beautiful. They gave me the Systems Alliance flag," Barbra added.

Shepard knew it was not her fault, but she still felt bad for putting them through all this. "I'm sorry. If I could have, I would've contacted you as soon as I woke up."

Rylan shook his head. "I don't understand. Why wouldn't Anderson tell us you survived?"

"Because I didn't. I died."

There was a long pause, during which they just stared at her, waiting to hear what else she had to say, but she wasn't sure about how to go on. It wasn't an easy conversation to have.

"My body was found," she continued, "and… the people who found me, they brought me back."

"No. There's something wrong. Barbra, end the call."

"No, Rylan. We need to hear what she has to say."

"Please, don't hang up," Shepard said.

"Fine. Then tell us who found you. How did they bring you back? Why did no one tell us about this? We're your family. We deserved to know."

Shepard pondered which would be worst — lying or telling the truth. No matter which she chose, she felt like this conversation could only go badly. Maybe making this call hadn't been a good idea.

"Cerberus." She took a deep breath. "They brought me back to life so I could help with the missing colonies. I woke up a few days ago."

"Cerberus," Rylan repeated the name with a huff, a scowl on his face. "End the call, Barbra. This is not the Jane we knew."

"No! Let me talk to her. Go wait outside," Mrs. Alenko told her husband as she pushed him out of the room.

"It's not safe," he yelled as she closed the door, locking him outside.

"Now, dear, can you tell me what happened to you?" she asked, sitting back in front of her terminal.

"I can prove it's really me, Mrs. Alenko. Ask me anything."

"It doesn't matter what he says, I know it's you. Call it mother's intuition."

Shepard was relieved to have Mrs. Alenko on her side. "I went to the Alliance, I talked to Anderson, but they were not interested in reinstating me."

"They're suspicious. I guess that's normal." Barbra nodded towards the door where she had just thrown Rylan out.

Shepard smiled, but it didn't last. "I'll work with Cerberus just until I have the means to be on my own."

"Be careful. They might not want to let you go."

"I'll find a way."

"Have you talked to Kaidan? He needs to know you're alive. He can help you."

"I tried, but I couldn't get in touch with him."

"He's on some classified mission out in the Terminus. The only way to talk to him is going through the Alliance first."

Shepard was familiar with that policy. One couldn't simply call officers who were working undercover or on classified assignments; it could endanger the mission, so the Alliance intercepted and filtered all attempts to contact the officer's omni-tool. That meant she wouldn't be able to talk to him any time soon. The Alliance would never put her through. When she had asked Anderson about Kaidan, he had immediately shut her down.

"I should go now, Mrs. Alenko. Thank you for... believing me."

"Of course I believed you, dear. You haven't changed a bit."

Shepard scratched her cheek, where there used to be a scar.

"Well," Barbra said, "maybe you changed a little, but the way you talk, the way you hold yourself, that hasn't changed."

Talking to Mrs. Alenko was heartwarming. In the end, Shepard was glad to have made this call and grateful that such a loving person was in her life. She wished they could meet again in person. There would be some serious hugging and Shepard could use those.

"Come visit as soon as you can. We really miss you. And don't worry about Rylan; I'll talk some sense into him."

"Thank you." It was a shame that they couldn't talk longer, but Shepard had other people to contact and not much more time until Lawson put together another search party to find her.

The next person Shepard called was Isabella.

"Shepard? You're not dead? You're not dead! It was all a ploy, wasn't it? Were you undercover? Did you get plastic surgery? Was it so people wouldn't recognize you? You could have said something, sent out a signal, at least. There was even a memorial in your honor. Was it part of plan? 'Cause it looked very genuine. Have you seen it? Look it up on the extranet. Or maybe not. It could be weird."

Shepard wasn't sure if the babbling had ended, but there was a pause and she took advantage of it. "Isabella, it's good to see you."

"It's good to see you, too."

"I wasn't undercover. I really went down with the Normandy, but some people rescued me and, for the past two years, they helped me heal and rehabilitate."

"I'm so happy you're not dead!"

"Look, I need your help."

"Anything for you."

"I need a new set of N7-grade armor."

"Sure. The standard gear for N7s is good, but if you give me an extra day, I can customize it for you with the best mods to go with your biotics."

"That would be great.

"Where are you stationed so I can send it over?"

"I'm not exactly with the Alliance anymore."

"What? You quit? Shepard, I'm a requisitions officer, not an arms dealer. I can only provide equipment to Alliance officers."

Shepard hated to put Isabella in this position, but she couldn't keep walking around in Cerberus gear, nor could she use that cheap, off-the-shelf stuff sold in civilian markets. "You can scrape the N7 logo off or maybe get a set before it's even engraved; I don't care. I just need..." She pressed her fingers to her eyes, taking a shuddering breath. "...something, anything without  _this_  damn logo on it."

"Which logo?"

With her head down, Shepard straightened her back so Isabella could see the brand on her breastplate.

"Cerberus? Shepard, what are you doing with them? Did you desert? You wouldn't. They are the 'people' who rescued you, aren't they? Jesus Fucking Christ, they're forcing you to work for them!"

"It's a bit more complicated than that, but you're not wrong."

"I'm so sorry. How can I help you?"

"I could really use that armor."

"I'll get it for you. Send me an address and I'll have it delivered there in three days tops."

Shepard sighed in relief. "Thank you, Isabella. And, please, don't tell anyone about this."

"I won't as long as you keep me updated on your situation. One week without any news from you and I'll make Major Nascimento launch a rescue operation to get you back to us."

Shepard grinned to hear that. Isabella was a good friend and it was adorable (and funny) how she thought she could get Major Nascimento to do anything, let alone something for one of his least favorite recruits of all time.

The moment they ended the call, Shepard heard the door behind her whooshing open and the click of the safety on a pistol being taken off. With her arms raised, she slowly turned around. "Hi, Emily."

"Who are you? What are you doing here?"

"I'm your friend. Shepard. I'm going to pull up my barrier now until you lower your weapon, okay?"

Emily didn't answer. Her hand was shaking badly on the gun, so Shepard pulled up a barrier anyway, lest her friend accidentally shoot her.

"Shepard is dead. What are you?"

"I died, Emz, but I was brought back to life. It's me."

"Prove it."

"Okay... You convinced me to dye my hair blonde when we were sixteen. We went to Niagara Falls together before you began college. You think I have a poor taste in music."

The look on Emily's face changed from suspicious to hesitant and she lowered her gun, but did not put it down.

"You taught me how to do my make up and pluck my eyebrows," Shepard continued, "and you were my only friend for years. Well, you and Mrs. Alenko, but you used to say that she didn't count, 'cause I wouldn't even –"

"Call her by her first name."

"Yeah."

Emily smiled, her eyes filling with tears as she finally put her gun down. "How?"

"You might want to sit down for this."

For the next hour, Shepard told Emily everything, including all the details that she had left out when she had talked to Mrs. Alenko, Anderson, and Isabella. It felt good to get it off her chest, and she had chosen the right person to open herself up to; Emily believed her and was very supportive the entire time. In the end, they gave each other a long overdue hug.

After they let go, Shepard snorted, looking amused. "I can't believe you pointed a gun at me. And with the safety off!"

"I can't believe you gave al-Jilani the scoop of your return," Emily countered. "Of course I'd think you were an impostor. My best friend wouldn't take news as big as this to the competition."

"She ambushed me. You know what she's like."

"Give me an exclusive with a little something extra that you did not tell her and I'll never mention it again."

"Only if you tell me the story of how you came to have a gun on you."

Emily sighed heavily. "Being a reporter on the Citadel used to be my dream and I got to live it. But now, after nine years, I think I might've outgrown it. The Citadel has nothing else to offer me in terms of my career. It's either interviewing politicians or exposing a smuggling ring in the wards… I mean, it's not bad, but I want more. Being on Elysium with you all those years ago — it was terrifying, but it meant something. We made history, Shepard. Now, there's another war coming. You said so yourself when you defeated Sovereign. The Council might deny it, but I know the Reapers are coming and I'm not going to be here following politicians around, waiting for a chance to ask them what their view is on the war. I want to be reporting from the frontlines. Out on the Terminus or maybe from a warship. "

"So, you bought a gun?"

"No. I got a license, learned how to shoot, and then bought a gun. I don't think it'll be of any help against a Reaper, but if I'm going to be with the soldiers out there, I can't be burden. I need to pull my own weight and have a way to defend myself. Against smaller threats, I mean."

"I wish you'd stay where it's safe, but when the Reapers come, I don't think anywhere will be." Shepard smiled at her fondly. "You know, when I ditch Cerberus and find the means to keep fighting on my own, you're welcome to come aboard my ship."

"Seriously? That would be fantastic! I'd love to," Emily said, hugging her again. "And, for now, how about that exclusive interview?"

Shepard thought about Kaidan, of how she had already talked to quite a lot of people, but hadn't managed to reach him yet. Hell, she had appeared live on al-Jilani's news program. It would seem like she had let the whole galaxy find out she was alive before she had even bothered to look for him. He would see this as betrayal. She would, if she were in his place. God, she didn't even want to imagine being in his place. She would be so furious and heartbroken, she wasn't sure how they could come back from it.

Of course she was assuming he hadn't moved on. But two years was a long time. He could very well be in a relationship with someone else by now.

"Sure. Let's do it," she told Emily, taking a sharp breath as she hid her fears under a mask of determination. The damage was already done. Denying her friend this interview wouldn't change anything.


	55. Horizon

July 19th, 2185

Kaidan played the vid with her interview with al-Jilani again.  _Shenyang_ ,  _Emden, Jakarta, Cairo, Seoul, Cape Town, Warsaw, and Madrid_. On the day he had caught her shooting the model Destiny Ascension in his apartment, she'd been reciting those ships' names with that same weight to her tone. How could an impostor sound so much like someone who cared?

That vid was haunting him. He needed to stop watching it.

As he was about to close the tab, he spotted Emily Wong's face on the list of related vids. The title read  _Commander Shepard lives! Wong uncovers the full story_. It had been uploaded only minutes ago.

Kaidan felt his stomach twisting into knots. Emily knew Shepard too well to fall for such a farce. The same could be said about others who had bought into this madness, like Joker and Dr. Chakwas. This was why he couldn't shake the idea that there must be more to her return.

He had to watch this interview. Maybe it would help him make sense of what was going on.

The vid began with a quick recap showing highlights of Shepard's career in the military. When it cut to her face in the present day, the lack of the scar on her cheek was glaring.

_"Commander Shepard, for two years the whole galaxy believed you were dead. Now you're back and, I have to say, you look a little different. What happened in those last two years?"_

Emily was pretty straightforward with her question; Kaidan admired that. The way she conducted her interviews felt more honest than al-Jilani's.

Still, Shepard didn't give up much. She maintained her story that no one knew she'd been rescued or if her full recovery would be possible. She added that she'd been unconscious for the most part of those two years. About her missing scar, she said that she'd needed extensive surgery, skin grafts and "other treatments", which could explain why she didn't look exactly the same anymore. Answering Wong's follow-up questions, she confirmed that she was no longer part of the Alliance military, but stressed that she maintained humanity's best interests at heart. She also said that she was still a Council Spectre and that she was investigating the disappearances of human colonies out in the Terminus.

That was about it. It was remarkably little information to give in a fifteen-minute-long interview.

Also, Cerberus was never mentioned. Kaidan thought part of their interest in cloning Commander Shepard would be to have humanity's hero advocating for them and their cause and turning public opinion in their favor. But she had already given two interviews and hadn't spoken a word about them.

It was really frustrating that he couldn't figure out what the deal was with this woman.

* * *

July 22nd, 2185

Kaidan and Lilith had finally finished installing the AA guns, but he hadn't been able to bring them online yet. Configuring their targeting matrix and IFF system was no simple task, especially for him. That was not his area of his expertise. If he thought about it, it was odd, being a sentinel and a staff commander, that he would get such an assignment. The Alliance had engineers and weapon experts that would be way better choices than him for this job.

He could fix a terminal, mod an omni-tool, hack into an enemy database and, given enough time, crack any encryption he was presented with — that was the kind of tech work he did. Setting up an automated defense system for a colony was new territory for him.

"Any luck?" Lilith asked him.

"Not yet."

"Oh, God! Kaidan, look! What is that?"

A swarm of big black beetles was coming straight towards them. Kaidan immediately pulled up his barrier and opened fire on the bugs. "Run. I'll cover you," he told Lilith and the other colonists in the area; he wouldn't be able to create a barrier large enough to protect all of them.

The beetles were fast and aggressive, and their sting was paralyzing. Everyone around him got frozen in place before they could hide and the bugs started flocking to him, trying to get past his barrier. He went inside the nearest house and closed the door. A few bugs got in with him, but he managed to kill them with his sidearm. He checked the whole house and once he was sure there were no openings from where the beetles could come in, he picked up a dead one on the floor to examine it.

It was quite sturdy, with synthetic and organic parts woven together in the most ingenious way to make it stronger and more resistant. Kaidan tried to contact the Alliance and his marines that had been patrolling the colony to warn them about the attack, but the comm channels were jammed.

He looked through a window to see what the situation was outside. The swarm was spread out and there seemed to be no other movement in the colony.

The strangest and one of the largest ships he had ever seen — even bigger than a geth dreadnought, but smaller than Sovereign — landed about a klick away from his position.

There were long minutes of complete quiet during which he continued trying to find a clear comm channel while keeping an eye on things outside.

That was when he saw life forms no one was sure if they really existed or if they were just a myth: The Collectors. They were putting the paralyzed colonists into pods and taking them away. Their work was methodical. They were checking every corner and every house.

Kaidan realized that this was how whole colonies were disappearing without even a distress call being made. The Collectors were behind it, but why? Why were they taking entire human populations alive with them?

A group of enemies was coming towards the house where he was hiding, so he tried to find a vantage point. His only chance to escape would be if he could get a jump on them. Even if he beat this group, he was one man against hundreds of hostiles. Chances were that he was going to be captured with the rest of the colonists.

There was a beep from the lock on the door being overridden. Kaidan tightened his grip on his gun and started to amass dark energy for a biotic kick. The Collectors halted before they could enter the house though, as gunshots were heard in the distance. Turning around, they went to find whoever was shooting at them.

Kaidan couldn't imagine a way for someone out in the open to have escaped the swarm other than through a strong biotic barrier, but he hadn't seen any other biotics in the colony.

Taking advantage of the distraction provided by the unknown attackers, he cracked a window open just enough to fit the barrel of his gun and started firing at the Collectors from behind.

The opposition was gaining ground quickly. Kaidan could hear their shots getting closer. When he saw an enemy being hurled away biotically, he knew the friendlies were just around the corner, so he got ready to sprint out of the house and join their offensive.

The first one to come into view was a krogan, charging at the Collectors with a mix of fury and enjoyment that reminded him of Wrex. Next, there was a person enveloped by such wild biotic flames, he couldn't tell if they were human or asari.

There was also a man, who seemed to be a trained soldier, and a woman fighting side by side in practiced consonance. They covered for each other and didn't need any words to communicate in the field. Kaidan couldn't help thinking of how he and Shepard used to be like that. He really missed fighting alongside someone with whom he shared such a strong connection.

He missed fighting by her side.

He missed her.

That thought made him even more eager to engage the Collectors and beat them. No one deserved to have their families and loved ones taken away like that.

A woman in a hood materialized in front of the group. Unlike the other humans he had seen up to now, she was not a biotic. Somehow, the swarm had not affected her. It hadn't affected the krogan either, but Kaidan had thought it had something to do with their redundant nervous system and natural resistance to most toxins.

More Collectors were converging to their position, trying to stop their advance. Kaidan refreshed his barrier and left the house to help them, but stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Garrus Vakarian. At that moment, he had a feeling that Shepard would be there, too.

He wasn't ready to face her, but he was given no say in it as his eyes instantly found her in the field. Even if one of those bugs had stung him, he wouldn't be this paralyzed. He wasn't even sure if his heart was beating properly. Seeing her alive after two years of mourning and misery was a dream and a nightmare, all at the same time.

"Kaidan!"

Following the urgent calling of his name, she flew towards him in a flash of dark energy and knocked him down just as a spray of bullets cut through the air right where he'd been standing. That move consumed her barrier, so he expanded his to include her.

Her shudder at feeling his biotics around her didn't escape him. "Thank God you're okay," she said with what felt like genuine relief and lightly bumped her helmet to his forehead.

Before he could respond, she rolled off of him, pulling her own barrier up again, and dragged him to hide behind cover with her. As if this were two years ago and he were still her staff lieutenant, she signaled him to provide suppressive fire as she sprinted to a spot with a better visibility of the area.

The confrontation with the Collectors was too heated, so Kaidan just went along with her and the rest of the team. There was no way he could talk to her now or even take a moment to try and make sense of everything that was happening.

She looked a little different, yet sounded the same. The way she fought and commanded her team was the same, yet her biotics felt different.

Too different.

Kaidan felt his blood running cold in his veins. He had let himself get carried away there for a moment, but the truth was that this woman might very well be an impostor. Shepard's dark energy used to set his own on fire, make him feel more powerful and less in control. Touching her used to be thrilling and enticing every single time.

Now, it was unnerving. They hadn't had any skin contact, but even with armor between them he could tell that there was something wrong. For one, that burst of energy that she had used to reach him had felt aggressive and uncontrolled.

How come Garrus had bought into that farce and was following her? There were even people in Cerberus armor on her team. Was Garrus fine with working with a human supremacist group?

Anger started building in the pit of his stomach. Shepard's memory and legacy was being defiled right in front of his eyes and no one but him seemed to care.

Saving the civilians on the colony had to be his priority now, so he kept pushing forward, fighting husks and several different types of Collectors — including a very creepy one that kept calling Shepard by name — until someone from her ship managed to bring the AA guns online, which forced the rest of the enemies to retreat before their weird ship was destroyed.

Kaidan cursed and punched a crate in frustration. Half the colony had already been taken onboard and now they were gone.

"Hey," Shepard put a hand on his shoulder, "we'll get them back."

He immediately shook her off and spun around to face her. "Who are you?"

"What?"

"You're not Shepard. I was there when she got ..." He drew a shaky breath and powered through his anger and frustration. "I heard her die."

"Kaidan, it's me. I did die, but my body was found and I was brought back to life."

"You expect me to believe this? Your body 'was found'? You 'were brought back to life'? By whom? Why won't you say it?"

"It's not what you're thinking."

"You don't know what I'm thinking."

"Fine. Cerberus brought me back and I'm  _temporarily_  working with them to stop the Collectors."

The woman in Cerberus gear scoffed to hear that and Kaidan shook his head.

"Shepard would never work with Cerberus. You're either not her, or... if you're her, than I don't even want to think about it."

She spared a glance at her companions. They were all staring wide-eyed at Kaidan and her. "Is there a place where we can talk in private?" she asked him.

"I'm not going anywhere with you."

"Kaidan, please, it's me." As she motioned to touch him, he took a step back, causing her to stop herself before any contact could be made. For an instant, hurt crossed her eyes and Kaidan was surprised at how much seeing that moment of vulnerability in her affected him. He felt guilt and regret and a sudden urge to apologize and comfort her. If he just gave in to her without question, wouldn't that be so much easier and painless? Maybe he would finally be happy again. All he had to do was to blindly trust her; ignore her association with Cerberus; pretend he hadn't noticed all the small things that were different about her; forget she had died...

Easier and more painless, yes. But that wasn't him. He was no believer. He would never follow anyone blindly. It was in his nature to question things that didn't seem right. Hell, he had questioned decisions Shepard had made when they were together and she was his boss. There was no way he could give this 'new' Shepard a pass.

"I'll do anything to prove it to you."

"If it's really you, than why didn't you contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive? I loved you, Shepard. Your death tore me apart. Why would you let me go through that? Or was our relationship a lie?" That wasn't the line of questioning he had intended to pursue, but it seemed his emotions were getting the best of him.

"No! Kaidan, please, you ha-"

"Did you ever love me? Did you ever even care?"

His words stunned her. The heartbreak in her eyes seemed too real and it wasn't gone in seconds this time. He took a few steps back. He needed to leave before he started to feel bad for her again. She was a Cerberus agent; she didn't really care about him and she couldn't be trusted.

"I've got to report back to the Citadel." As he turned to leave, she just stood there, with her head down, scratching her cheek.

 _Scratching her cheek._ Just like she used to do, as if the scar was still there. She wasn't used to it being gone. Or maybe she missed it...

"Shepard!" He ran back to her as realization hit him.

The missing piece to the puzzle of Shepard's return had been in front of him the whole time, but he hadn't seriously considered it, because people don't just come back from the dead. But the necklace; Joker, Chakwas, and even Garrus joining Cerberus; the intel about Project Lazarus and the log retrieved from the station; the scans on the Citadel; the synthetic 'repairs' on her body; Wong's interview; the way she had risked herself to save him when he had first seen her earlier today—it all made sense now. This woman was the real Shepard. She was alive.

_The woman he loved was alive._

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he whispered in her ear, wrapping his arms around her.

She hugged him back, blowing a heavy breath of relief against his neck that made him tighten even more his grasp on her.

The emotion of having her alive again in his arms was overwhelming and he close his eyes to hold back the tears that were trying to spill.

They needed to talk in private. He was already trying to come up with a plan to help her get away from Cerberus and back to the Alliance where she belonged. But first he needed to know what exactly had happened to her after the Normandy went down.

* * *

After giving orders to her team to make sure no enemies were left on the colony and to see if the surviving colonists needed any assistance, Shepard went with Kaidan to his place so they could talk.

Exhausted from the long fight against the Collectors, she sat on the couch, removing her gloves and loosening the seals of her armor around her neck before accepting the cold energy drink he offered her. She drank the whole thing at once and put the empty bottle on the coffee table. "Thank you. So, how have you been?"

There was a seat by her side on the couch, but Kaidan got his drink and sat in an armchair instead. He leaned forward, with his elbows on his knees, suddenly looking more guarded than he had been a moment before. She tried not to read too much into it. This sure was an awkward situation for both of them. What if he had someone else now? He had just said that he'd  _loved_  her—past tense.

"It's been too long..." she said, uncertain of how to start this conversation.

He huffed, shooting her an incredulous look. "Is that all you have to say? You've been gone for two years and now you're with Cerberus. You're not going to act like nothing happened, are you?"

"Uh, I'm sure you have a lot of questions."

"'A lot' doesn't even begin to cover it."

"I died that day over Alchera, Kaidan. Cerberus found my body and for the past two years they worked on bringing me back. But I'm… me. Doctor Chakwas ran tests, scans, everything. They didn't implant me with control chips, tracers, kill switches… nothing."

Kaidan grimaced, pressing his fingers to his eyes as if he didn't want to even think of those possibilities. Or maybe he was having a migraine. It bothered her that she couldn't tell which of the options were true. He was not the same man she remembered. Reading him wasn't so easy anymore. It might have been only weeks for her since they were last together, but it had been two years for him and he had changed. She wondered what had happened to him during that time. He looked hardened, more austere, and at least five years older instead of two.

"Chakwas, Joker, Garrus, Wong. When were you going to contact me?"

"I tried, but Anderson stonewalled me. And with you in a classified assignment, I couldn't get through to you through normal channels."

"You've talked to Anderson? Does he believe you?"

"Considering that he refused to give me any information on your whereabouts, I don't think he's completely convinced I'm really me."

Kaidan nodded. "Okay. We'll start there."

"Start? What do you mean?"

"I mean that we'll go see Anderson first and sort this out, so he can vouch for you when you ask for your reinstatement."

"Kaidan, uh..."  _Fuck._  "I can't go back to the Alliance. Not right now."

He was taken aback, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. "You're staying with Cerberus?"

"Our colonies are disappearing and the Alliance isn't doing anything about it. Cerberus are the only ones willing to take action. They brought me back and gave me a ship, resources and a team to fight this threat. Until I see this through, I can't leave them. I can't abandon all these colonies and our people to their fate."

He stood up as she leaned forward, the rapidly rising tension making them both feel uncomfortable. "You can't be serious. You know what Cerberus is like, what they're capable of. We fought them together. Do you even remember Kahoku and his men? What about Jarell, Toombs, and their whole squad?"

Shepard looked down, hating to be in this position. Kaidan was right, but she had no other option right now. She couldn't go back to the Alliance and waste precious time with the bureaucratic mess that would be the reinstatement of an officer that appeared as KIA in their records. It would be way too late, if ever, until she'd have a ship again and clearance to conduct a mission against the Collectors.

"I wish there was another way, but… I have to continue working with Cerberus. At least for the time being." She got up, taking a few steps towards the door. It was better to leave now than to let this argument escalate. She didn't want to fight him. "I'm sorry. Thanks for the drink."

"That's it? You're just gonna go and turn your back on everything we believed in? You're betraying the Alliance, Shepard. You're betraying me!"

"Kaidan, you know me. You know I'd only do this for the right reason."

"Do I? 'Cause I'd never expect something like this from you."

She couldn't say anything in reply. There was a lump in her throat that she couldn't get rid of. The disappointment in his tone and his eyes made her feel like shit.

"You've changed. But I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier. Always will be. Goodbye, Shepard."

This was it. He was letting her go. They were done. Unable to meet his eyes again or even say anything else, she walked away. She needed to leave his presence, that house, that colony ASAP.

"And be careful," she heard him say when she was already outside. Why had he even bothered, she couldn't understand. Or maybe he hadn't really said anything and her mind was tricking her. That had to be it. It made more sense.

* * *

 _Be careful_. After calling her a traitor, he had gone with  _that_. He didn't know what had gotten into him. The whole reason he had brought her back to his house had been for them to talk. If he was going to help her, he needed to know her side of the story. But he hadn't given her the chance to say much.

He had dreamed about them having their happy ending for so many years. Things kept going wrong, but he'd loved her too much to give up, which had made her death even harder for him to accept. When he was finally coming to terms with her fate, the rumors of her return started and threw him in for a loop. He didn't want to let himself believe she was back because he couldn't go through the process of losing her again. If he'd believed those rumors and she turned out to be a clone or an AI, he would have been devastated.

What he had never even considered was that she would be the real Shepard and a willing Cerberus agent. She was in a place he couldn't follow and her choice to continue working for the enemy made him doubt everything he had thought he knew about her.

He still cared about her, though. Hell, caring didn't even begin to describe what he felt. How could he just let her go when he had spent the last two years mourning her?

Kaidan decided he had to do something about it. He didn't know what yet, but he couldn't just give up. While he tried to figure it out, he sat in front of his terminal to report back to Anderson.

* * *

July 30th, 2185

"Commander, you have seventy-three unread messages and thirty-eight unanswered calls on your private terminal."

"Thanks, Chambers," Shepard answered without sparing a glance towards the yeoman nor breaking her stride towards the elevator. The moment she got into her quarters, she called the ship's AI. "EDI, alert the ground team the mission debriefing tonight is canceled. Keep an eye on Jack and don't let any of the Cerberus crew near her. If you notice anything unusual on her readings, alert me and Dr. Chakwas only."

"Understood, commander."

"Unless Jack needs anything, I don't want to be disturbed."

"Yes, commander. Logging you out."

Shepard stripped off her armor, running her fingers over the N7 logo on the breastplate before putting it away. She would be forever thankful to Isabella for getting her that set. If she were still running around in Cerberus gear, especially after today, she would hate herself. Hate herself even more, that was, since she was already feeling pretty down and disgusted with herself for her association with this horrible humanity-first organization.

The way Kaidan had looked at her when she had said she would continue working with them had been but the start. It had gotten her feeling bad and ashamed, and she had thrown herself into work, taking up one mission after another, hoping to always be either too busy or too tired to think about the consequences of her choice. But going to Pragia today and seeing what Cerberus had done there, and then going back to a ship bearing their insignia had left her feeling sick. She couldn't pretend this was just another mission and that the means to the end didn't matter, even if the end was saving humanity.

The means did matter and aligning with terrorists made her one, too. She could never come back from this. There was no future waiting for her after Cerberus. If she succeeded and survived this mission, she would still be a criminal.

Cerberus had done monstrous things to Caetano, Jarell, Kahoku, Toombs, Jack, and who knew how many other children, and she was still taking their money and working with them. Kaidan was right if he despised her for it.

Her terminal wouldn't stop blinking with alerts from all the messages she had been avoiding since coming back from Horizon a week ago. She hadn't wanted to stop and think about what had happened and what her life had become, but that ship had sailed now. She might as well face whatever else was waiting for her in those messages, too. Anderson's disappointment at her? A request from the Alenkos that she stayed away from them?

Kaidan's report on Horizon had already reached every single member of the brass by now. It would all depend on what he wrote and, considering how their reunion had gone down, she would probably be on top of the Alliance's most wanted list now.

If she hadn't already picked up Tali, she surely wouldn't have anymore. She didn't want to drag her friends down with her.

It was time she checked those messages and found out what her situation with the Alliance was. Maybe this could help her come up with a plan to make sure her friends would get away with having served on a Cerberus vessel.

Ordering all the incoming mail from oldest to newest, she started opening them. The first important message she found there was from Admiral Hackett, sent a day after Horizon. The tone was… friendly, which surprised her. He would've heard from Kaidan already by the time he had sent that. There was something weird about that and all other messages from Alliance accounts in her inbox though.

"EDI?"

"Yes, Shepard."

"These e-mails sent from Admiral Hackett, Captain Anderson," she skimmed the list, looking for other Alliance names there and felt her heart skip a beat when she spotted a third one, "and Commander Alenko…"

"Yes, commander?" EDI prompted, making Shepard wonder if she had been quiet for a moment too long.

"Were they like this when they arrived?"

"I do not understand the question, commander."

"Weren't they encrypted?" Hackett, Anderson, and Kaidan wouldn't send messages to someone on a Cerberus ship without taking any safety precautions.

"They were."

"And...?"

"I broke the encryption to save you time, commander."

"EDI!" Shepard wanted to give the AI a lecture on privacy violation, but no doubt one of the reasons Cerberus had installed that thing on her ship had been to spy on her. "Ugh. This is pointless. Just leave me alone."

"Logging you out, Shepard."

The commander focused back on the messages. She had planned to answer them according to the order in which they had been sent, but her eyes kept drifting off to Kaidan's name. When she saw the subject, she couldn't stop herself from opening it.

 _About Horizon_.

Fuck.

There was no text. It was an audio-message and it had been sent four days ago.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

She should have picked up a bottle of whiskey from the bar before coming up here tonight.

* * *

Dr. Chakwas looked surprised to see Shepard down at the medbay tonight."Is something the matter, commander?" One closer look at the younger woman and she reached for the bottle of brandy in her cabinet. Shepard had gotten her that just a few days ago. "Forget I asked. How about we open this?"

"I thought you'd want to save it for a special occasion."

"Spending time with my commander who died two years ago and is now alive again seems special enough."

Shepard gave her a small smile and took a seat in a desk chair next to hers.

"So, how is Commander Alenko?"

"Straight to the point, huh, doc?"

"I was hoping you'd bring him on board after Horizon, but when that didn't happen I figured something bad must've happened between you two."

"Yep." Shepard took a long swig from the glass Chakwas had just served her. "Cerberus."

"He wouldn't be joining Cerberus. He would be joining you, commander. Your crew."

"That's not how he sees it." Shepard sighed. Were she and Cerberus really two separate entities? It was their ship, gear, and dirty money funding this mission. "That's not even how I see it."

"But he did reach out to you, didn't he? I thought he might've changed his mind."

Shepard gave her a look, one eyebrow raised. "You know about the email he sent me?"

Chakwas cleared her throat and took a sip from the brandy. "Your yeoman is quite chatty."

In a small enclosed space like that of a frigate, and a little too much idle time while flying from a system to another, gossip was bound to happen. Shepard was too tired to be angry about it now. And, she had come here looking for someone to talk to, so she was probably going to end up telling Dr. Chakwas about the damned email anyway. "Well, it was actually an audio-message."

"Oh. And what did he say?"

Shepard gulped down her brandy and poured herself some more before playing Kaidan's recording from her tool.

" _Shepard, I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let a friend talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?_

_Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night at your place in Rio? That night meant everything to me. I thought we'd go back there as husband and wife, to start our life together. Instead, I had go there alone to clear out your stuff. Do you have any idea of what that did to me?_

_But... that feels like a long time ago now. A lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside._

_Just please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die — on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember, I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself._

_When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care."_

"Oh, my." Chakwas had a smirk on her face, which Shepard thought was a little mean, considering how miserable this message had made her feel.

"Yeah, he's over me," she said at the same time that Chakwas said, "he's still in love with you."

"What?" Shepard couldn't see how the doctor could have interpreted that message in such a positive light.

"Why would he even mention a meaningless date with some doctor if he weren't still in love with you?"

"Maybe to hurt me and push me away? To make sure I know it's over between us and he's moved on?"

"Of course not. He's hoping you can meet again after the mission is over. He wouldn't have said that if he were over you. Now that he knows you're alive, he feels guilty for having gone on a date with someone else. He's coming clean with you about it, so there's nothing hanging between you two when you rekindle your relationship."

"That's... not at all how I took it. But, I hope you're right."

"You should try talking to him again. If it took him two years to go on a date with someone else, I'm sure he would never have done it if he knew there was the slightest chance you could be alive."

"You know there isn't much chance we'll come back from this mission, Doc. No one comes back from the Omega 4 relay."

"I know and I'm as ready to die for this as I'm sure you are. That's why you need to try and talk to him again; you need closure. You're helping everyone here get theirs. There's no reason why you shouldn't get yours, too."

Shepard stared at her glass for a moment, thinking about Chakwas' words before nodding in agreement. The next time they docked at the Citadel, she was going to look for Kaidan and try to get her closure. "To second chances." She raised her glass in a toast and Chakwas mimicked her.

"To second chances."


	56. Re: About Horizon

August 2nd, 2185

Kaidan still hadn't gotten a new assignment after the mess on Horizon and the wait was making him anxious. Anderson had rushed him to deliver a detailed report on the mission and, after he had turned it in, the captain had told him to stand by for orders. Days later and he still hadn't received any orders. Kaidan had a feeling that whatever his new mission was going to be, it would be related to Shepard, and he could only hope he wouldn't be ordered to arrest her or worse. He was convinced she was the real Shepard and he could never do her harm, even if she was working for the enemy.

Days ago he had sent her a message and she still hadn't answered him. At this point, he had lost hope that she ever would. Thinking that he might've pushed her away for good was already causing him enough pain. Having to fight her would destroy him.

A knock on his door disrupted his thoughts. Seeing who it was threw him completely off balance. He hadn't been ready to see her on Horizon and he wasn't ready to see her now.

"Shepard?"

"Hey." She gave him an awkward little smile.

"Hey," he replied and then shook his head. He wasn't going to let her nonchalance infect him. "How did you find me?"

"EDI."

"Who?"

She grimaced as if she had said too much and regretted it, even though she had given him nothing but a first name. Was he supposed to know who this Edi was?

"A colleague," she replied. "Not important. Can we talk?"

"Yeah."

"Can I come in?"

Her question made him realize he was standing protectively in the doorway to his home. "Sorry. Of course." He led her in and towards the kitchen, where he poured them both coffee; hers with a drop of milk that he heated quickly in the microwave.

She stared at her cup for a whole minute before taking a sip.

"Is it wrong?"

"N-No. It's perfect. Thanks."

He wasn't sure if there really was a tremble to her voice or if he had imagined it. "Are you okay?"

"No."

That was probably the first time he had asked her that and hadn't gotten a fake 'I'm fine' for an answer. "Why are you here?"

"Dr. Chakwas."

"Dr. Chakwas?"

"She thinks you might still have feelings for me. That's crazy, right?"

"Shepard..." Of course he had feelings for her. The woman he had loved most of his life, his commander and fiancée was back from the dead and they couldn't be together because she was working for the enemy. He had a lot of feelings about it all and they were all over the place. It was hard to even contain himself long enough for them to have a normal conversation.

"That woman you're dating, is it serious?"

"I wasn't sure if you'd gotten my message. Why didn't you answer it?"

"I don't know. Things have been hectic and... I didn't know if you'd want to talk to me."

If that was what she'd thought after listening to his recording, then he had failed miserably in conveying his feelings. "I really meant it when I apologized for what I said back on Horizon."

"What about the woman you're dating? Why would you tell me about that?"

Why indeed... "It was only one date. I guess I wanted you to find out about it from me. I didn't want to leave that hanging between us."

Her eyes lit up a little with his answer. "I was dead. You weren't doing anything wrong."

"I... no, I guess not." Damn. That was so messed up. He didn't want to think about it too much, but he couldn't help it.

Silence fell between them as they finished their coffees. She was sitting on a stool by the counter and he was standing across from it. He took their empty cups to the sink and, as he came back, he held out his hand to her.

"We'll be more comfortable in the living room."

After a moment's hesitation, she took his hand. Even through the gloves of her armor, he felt a small shock from her biotics and couldn't help flinching. She noticed it and immediately let go of him.

"I'm sorry. Your biotics feel..."  _unnerving, out of control, weird,_  "...different."

"Cerberus gave me new implants. L5x."

"Right."

She sat on the couch, but he didn't join her there, choosing the armchair instead. The same had happened at his house on Horizon and she looked like she remembered it.

"It's my biotics, isn't it?"

Her biotics, Cerberus, the two years he had spent mourning her, the odds of the Alliance pitting them against each other... there were a lot of things that bothered him about their situation.

She looked down, probably taking his silence as a yes. "Do you really think I'm a traitor?"

"Shepard... I told you I was sorry."

Although she nodded, she didn't seem convinced.

"Why won't you come back to the Alliance?" he asked, sounding almost like he was pleading. That really lowered the chances of her buying his apology, but he couldn't stop himself. He still loved her and he wanted to help her. He couldn't just leave her with a terrorist organization.

"Please, Kaidan, let's not do this again."

Frustrated, he dragged a hand down his face, sighing heavily."Why are you here, Shepard?"

"Closure."

With the message he had sent her after Horizon, he had meant to leave the metaphorical door open for them, but it seemed that was not what she wanted. He had broken her heart and now she had come to return the 'favor'.

"I'm getting my crew and ship ready to go through the Omega 4 Relay after the Collectors."

That was not at all what he had expected her to say. "No." It was the only word that came out of his mouth and this time he didn't even try to pretend it wasn't a plea. "No. Shepard..."

"I have to take care of this. No one else is doing anything about it. That's what Cerberus brought me back for."

"No one knows what's on the other side of the Omega 4 relay. No one has ever come back. There must be another way..."

"I wish there was."

It might be selfish, but he couldn't help thinking that mourning her for a second time might be too much for him to bear.

Garrus contacted her through her comm unit and she got up to leave. Kaidan was still stunned by her news about the Omega 4 relay and just stared at her, not knowing what to say.

"I should go."

"Shepard, wait." He had to do something; he couldn't let her walk away again. "Let me help. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. The Reapers are still coming and I might not be here when they do. The Alliance needs to be ready for them. You need to be ready. Promise me you won't let them keep ignoring this threat."

"I'll do what I can."

"Commander." She saluted him before rushing out of his house.

"Commander," he replied, saluting her back even though she was not within earshot anymore.

* * *

August 3rd, 2185

Kaidan went inside Anderson's office without a word to Ludmila other than a dry 'good morning.' He was still upset at her for not telling him that Shepard had been there on the same day he had gotten his Horizon assignment, and only minutes after he had left to look for her.

"I'm so sorry. Anderson ordered me not to mention anything to you," Ludmila yelled at him as the door to the captain's office was closing.

Anderson must've heard her because he was shaking his head and Kaidan thought he would have to deal with that later. He might be upset, but that didn't mean he wanted to get Ludmila into trouble.

After exchanging salutes, the captain played Kaidan some security footage he had just received from C-Sec. It showed Shepard talking to a turian that ended up shot in the head mid-conversation. Instead of calling for help, Shepard just walked away as the man fell to the ground.

"What do you think went on there, Alenko?" Anderson asked.

"I have no idea, sir."

"You assured us this was the real Shepard and not some Cerberus peon."

"Yes, sir. I did."

"Is she some sort of contract killer now?"

"I'm sorry, sir, but it's clear from this footage that she could not have been the one to shoot the turian." If Kaidan were to guess, he'd say that was Vakarian's work. It had to be a pretty good and confident sniper to take that shot amidst a crowd of innocent people and from at least 150 meters away; considering that the shooter didn't appear in the frame, even though the security cam was picking up a fairly wide area around the victim. Also, yesterday, Shepard had left his apartment immediately after Garrus had contacted her.

"Admiral Hackett thinks Shepard might be a great asset to us. She could turn in valuable intel on Cerberus and their operations. But for that, we need her to trust us. Make her see the Alliance as her safety net."

Kaidan didn't want to ask this question, but he knew this was where this conversation was going. "What do you want me to do, sir?"

"I'm going to get this murder investigation out of C-Sec's hands. If she's the real Shepard, I have to trust there was a good reason for her to want this turian dead. Hackett is going to keep in touch with her and give her the coordinates to the Normandy wreckage as a show of good faith. She might want to visit the site, get some closure, you know?"

Kaidan tried to swallow around the lump that instantly formed in his throat just at the mention of the wreckage. He still remembered the day of the crash vividly. It was the worst experience he had ever had, and if he never saw Alchera again, it'd still be too soon. For Shepard, it couldn't be any easier to visit that place. Kaidan hoped Garrus, Chakwas, and Joker would be there for her if she decided to go, so she wouldn't have to face it alone.

"And you..." Anderson continued. "Shepard cared about you, Alenko, and I believe she might try to... reconnect with you. Regardless of your feelings on the matter, you're gonna let her. This might just be what will ultimately bring her back to our side."

Kaidan didn't know what to say. There was nothing he wanted more than to reconnect with her, but being ordered to do that made it feel wrong. He didn't want to pretend everything was okay between them; he wanted to work things out with her until they were  _truly_  okay. But, with her going through the Omega 4 relay, would they even have time for that?

He considered telling Anderson what she planned to do and beg him to do something, anything, to stop her. Knowing her, though, Kaidan was certain that the only thing that could stop her would be if someone solved the Collector problem first, which was unlikely to happen. The attacks on the human colonies had been going on for a while now, but it had been just recently that the Alliance had devoted personnel to looking into it, and only in an investigative capacity.

"Is something wrong, son?"

"I don't think I can lie to her, sir. I can't just pretend..."

"Do you think Commander Turner could do it?"

Kaidan thought he could. Jarell and Shepard were close and she trusted him, but he would probably be angry as hell at Anderson and the brass for giving him an assignment that required him to tolerate Cerberus and be dishonest with an old friend. A few moths ago, when they were sent to investigate Cerberus together, Jarell had gotten into an argument with Hackett and Anderson that could've really hindered his career if Captain Riley hadn't intervened in his favor. After all that, getting him involved into another Shepard/Cerberus mess and without Riley there to keep him out of trouble, this could easily end up with Jarell acting out and getting written off for insubordination. "I don't think he's the right person for the job, sir."

Anderson nodded. "You know how to get through to her, Alenko. I'd prefer to have you on this. Even if you don't think you can do it, I have to insist that you try."

"I..." Kaidan didn't want to agree to this, because he had a feeling he would regret it, but Anderson wasn't leaving him much choice. "I'll see what I can do, sir."

* * *

Back at home, Kaidan paced a bit nervously in his living room as he waited for the food he had ordered to be delivered. He had no idea how to even get started on that weird assignment Anderson had given him.

He wanted to reconnect with Shepard and bring her back to the Alliance, but that would never happen unless they could offer her the same resources and autonomy to fight the Collectors that Cerberus had given her. There was no chance of that ever happening, though.

Someone buzzed in and it turned out to be Ludmila with a six-pack and a pizza.

"I'm here to apologize. I should've called you when Shepard showed up to see Captain Anderson," she said as he let her in.

Damn. He had forgotten to talk to her after leaving Anderson's office today. "It's okay. I'm sure he had his reasons to order you to keep it secret."

"Wow. That's very understanding of you."

"Huh... right." No one had ever told him that. Shepard used to tell him the opposite, actually, whenever they'd had a fight.

"Well, it is. I mean, if Denise had died and then, by some miracle, came back to life and someone kept me from being reunited with her, man... I would end them."

Kaidan let out a throaty laugh. "Shepard would've liked you."

"Hey, what kind of talk is that? She's alive."

"Yeah..." But he had ruined their reunion and she was going through a relay that led to an unknown place from where no one had ever returned.

"What? Did something bad happen?"

"I don't think there's a future for us."

* * *

Shepard wasn't sure what she was doing at Kaidan's door. Perhaps their talk yesterday hadn't been enough to give her a full sense of closure. Or perhaps she wasn't ready to let him go yet. She straightened her ugly overalls—the only piece of clothing in her wardrobe that didn't have a Cerberus logo—in a failed effort to make it look less hideous, and buzzed in.

She was embarrassed when he told her to come in and she realized he had company. They had pizza, asari take-out, and beer. Shepard felt like she was intruding. "Sorry. I shouldn't have come."

"No. Stay. Don't worry about me. I was just leaving," the other woman said, and Kaidan did not protest. "Nice to see you again, Commander Shepard."

Again? Shepard wracked her brain, trying to remember if and when she had met the woman before.

"Ludmila Llosa — Councilor Udina's assistant. We met on the day of your appointment with Captain Anderson and the Council."

Shepard was relieved that the woman was so kind as to refresh her memory before she embarrassed herself more. The day of that meeting had been so frustrating, she had avoided thinking about it too much lest she ended up quitting the Spectres and telling the Council to shove it. "Of course. You asked to take a picture with me."

"Yes! It was for my wife. She's a big fan."

Ludmila seemed excited to be remembered, which made Shepard feel even worse for having forgotten who she was and for intruding on her dinner with Kaidan. "Nice to see you again, Ludmila. I didn't mean to interrupt you two. You should stay. I'll go."

"Actually, Shepard," Kaidan said, "I'd like for you to stay. We need to talk."

"Yes. I'll be leaving now. He's all yours," Ludmila said, which made Shepard worry that she might've come across as jealous. To be honest, she'd been a little jealous until she'd learned Ludmila was married.

Kaidan walked his friend to the door while the commander stood uncomfortably in the middle of the room.

"You've got this. Go get her," Ludmila whispered to Kaidan. Shepard heard it, though, and searched for his eyes with a flicker of hope in her own.

He spared a nervous glance at her, looking all flustered, which she found confusing. Was he nervous because she had heard what Ludmila had said? Did that mean Ludmila had gotten it right or wrong?

When he came back, Shepard sat on the couch and was surprised when he joined her there instead of going for the armchair like the previous times.

She gave him a tentative smile to see how he would respond, but any hopes she might have cultivated for them tumbled down with what he said next.

"There's footage of you distracting a turian until someone put a bullet in his head. I'm guessing it was one of your teammates. Vakarian?"

"Kaidan..." They were mere centimeters apart, but it felt like a pit had opened between them. "I can explain." Could she? How could one explain colors to someone who only saw black and white?

"Explain your willingness to become an accessory to murder?"

 _Fuck._  "For the past two years, Garrus had a team of… vigilantes on Omega. They were fighting against merc groups, until one of his men betrayed them to the mercs. The whole team was killed and the traitor escaped. When Garrus asked for my help to avenge them, I couldn't say no."

"Vigilantes, revenge, murder." Kaidan huffed. "I'm trying to see your side, Shepard, to understand why you've been acting the way you have since you came back, but you're not making it easy."

"When I started talking to the guy, I didn't want to go through with it. He looked miserable, tortured by what he had done. I can't stop thinking that maybe I could've convinced him to turn himself in."

"Why didn't you try?"

"I'm taking my team through the Omega 4 relay soon. One ship against an entire species and on their turf. I have no illusions about what that means. The crew is calling it a suicide mission, but they're all willing to go through with it anyway. Helping them set their affairs in order and get closure is the least I can do when I'm demanding their sacrifice. Whatever their last wish is, that's what they get. I'm not passing judgment."

Kaidan met her eyes with concern in his own. "That can take a toll, Shepard. It's a lot to carry on your shoulders."

Was he convinced by her explanation? Had that been enough? The change to his demeanor towards her seemed a bit sudden, but she wasn't going to complain. She didn't want to fight anymore; she wanted to kiss and make up and pretend for a moment that their relationship hadn't met a tragic ending.

"Yeah." She had just started assisting her crew with their unfinished business, having helped only Jacob, Jack, and Garrus until now, but each mission had been emotionally draining in its own way. "It hasn't been easy," she said, her voice but a whisper as her mind wondered to Aeia.

_The situation on the planet had been a shock for her. Nightmare stuff. Watching Jacob put a gun to his father's head, seeing the turmoil that was going on in his eyes... At that moment she regretted the way she had been avoiding getting close to the Cerberus crew. A good friend was more useful than a commander in that situation._

_She put a hand on Jacob's shoulder—it was the first time she had ever touched him— and squeezed lightly, hoping it would be enough to let him know he had her support. He was tense for a split second with the unexpected contact, but then he took a deep breath and, with the tiniest smile, he thanked her._

She was brought back by Kaidan, his hand carefully covering hers. It was a small gesture, but it almost made her fall apart. She missed his touch and focused on controlling her dark energy and keeping her implants from being activated so he wouldn't pull away from her.

"When we talked on Horizon, I didn't understand why you were making the choices you were making. Today, I saw the footage of you with that turian and I still didn't understand..." Kaidan blew out a quiet, mirthless laugh. "But I see it now. You don't expect to survive the Omega 4 relay, so things like the colors you're flying, or following the Citadel laws, have lost their importance. I can't say that I agree, but I understand."

He might've said on Horizon that he hadn't changed, but she could see that he had. Two years ago, she didn't think he could have been this understanding. Or maybe a good, honest talk was all they needed. Horizon had been full of bad surprises for both of them and their emotions had been all over the place. Now, they had had more time to think and get their heads on straight. It was easier to talk like this. "Thank you."

He smiled at her, but she did not reciprocate. Even if she managed to come back from the Omega 4 relay, there would be nothing for her here. Her affiliation with a terrorist organization wouldn't be just forgiven and forgotten by the Alliance.

There was nothing for her on the other side either. When she had been dying, she'd believed she would be with her family again, but that hadn't happened. There had been no Heaven, no reunion with the people she had lost. Nothing.

Dead or alive, she didn't feel like she belonged anywhere anymore.

"If anyone can defeat the Collectors and come back, it's you, Shepard."

It was nice to know that he believed in her, but that didn't change anything. If she beat the Collectors and somehow managed to return, Cerberus wouldn't just let her go. She would be a fugitive from them and from the Alliance.

"Hey," he cupped her cheek and scooted closer to her, looking into her eyes, "Shepard _,_  you can't give up. You have to come back."

"There's nothing for me here, Kaidan. I have nothing to come back to."

"You have this," he said as he closed the distance to her mouth, catching her lips in a kiss; slow, soft, almost innocent.

As delicate as it was though, it still got her heart racing and caused a surge of dark energy within her. Knowing that her biotics had been causing him discomfort, she tried to pull away, but he stopped her.

"Let it go. I want to feel it; I want to get used to it, to you, again."

She wanted to say there was no point, that this wouldn't work, it wouldn't last, and pursuing this—whatever  _this_  was—would only leave him alone and heartbroken again once she went through the relay to never come back.

But, she didn't say any of that. She let her biotics flow to clash with his. She opened her mouth for him when he tried to deepen the kiss, holding on to him as if her life depended on it.

Maybe it did.

"You have to come back," he repeated against her mouth, his voice no more than whisper, "Promise me."

"Anderson, Hackett… they sent me messages and seem to trust me. That was you, wasn't it? Your report from Horizon?"

"Yeah. I told them you were back; the real you. And that you were fighting the Collectors."

"Thank you." Smiling, she gave him a peck on the lips. "If I request to be reinstated after I stop these abductions, do you think the Alliance will accept it?"

"I'll do everything I can to make sure they do."

"And what about... us?"

"I'll be waiting for you, Lisa. Always."

Hearing that was like coming out in the sun after a long winter. "I'll do my best to come back. I promise."

He kissed her again and she closed her eyes, focusing on how his skin felt against hers. How his lips lingered, his kiss—lasting, loving, perfect—made her feel like they would be all right.

Yeah, they would be all right.


End file.
